Jamie Lewis - Issuance Of Insanity Iii. Nutritional Psycho (1) 45919

ISSUANCE OF INSANITY III: NUTRITIONAL PSYCHO

JAMIE LEWIS

DIGITAL PRINTING ©2013

Copyright © 2013 by Jamie Lewis First Printing All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in a form by means, electronic, magical, mechanical, psychic, alchemical, photocopied, recorded, or otherwise without the prior consent of the publisher. This means you are a bad person, will arouse my ire, and will probably catch a beating that will leave you unrecognizable if I discover you've posted this on Scribd, Mediafire, RapidShare, or wherever else you decide you want to take money out of my pocket. This book's not expensive enough to warrant theft, so don't steal it. The author and publisher disclaim any responsibility for any of your actions, injuries you incur misapplying the brilliant suggestions herein, or any other stupidity that might result in a lawsuit by the readers of this text. Though the words contained herein are awesome, you may not match it as such, and by turning the page the reader assumes all responsibility for their future actions. In the event of injury, embarrassment, or any other adverse effects resulting from the misapplication or ill-considered use of the information presented in this text and should simply find a nice quiet place to die rather than initiating a lawsuit, as the author and publisher wash their hands of you. Copyeditor – Krishtha Spuglio Cover Design- Krishtha Spuglio ISBN Pending Printed in the United States of America

Issuance of Insanity III

Jamie Lewis

CONTENTS 1. INTRODUCTION 2 2. MORE MENTAL THAN PHYSICAL, AND HARDER THAN YOU’D THINK 4 STEMMING THE TIDE OF DE-EVOLUTION, a.k.a. HARDEN THE FUCK UP 11 YOUR FAT IS UNEQUIVOCALLY YOUR FAULT 14 YOUR FAT IS UNEQUIVOCALLY YOUR FAULT 2: Biggest Loser, Activists, and Loudmouthed Internet Shitbirds- I’d say “Fuck ‘Em”, But Who’d Want To? 20 PALEOLITHIC DIETING: CAVEMEN HAD IT RIGHT Eat Like a Motherfucking Caveman, and You’ll Look Like a Motherfucking Caveman 25 READ A FUCKING BOOK, ALREADY: The Paleo Solution by Robb Wolf 28 KETOGENIC DIETING 31 KETO DIETS: 35 Why They Work, How To Make Them Work For You, Why Vince Gironda Made a Song About Them... 35 MY SECRET DIET FOOD: You’ll Never Guess It, And It Fucking Rules. 39 METABOLIC TYPING Metabolic Typing Gets in the Mix, Finally 41 METABOLIC TYPING PART 1.5: If You Need a Little More Convincing 43 METABOLIC TYPING, PARTE DVAH: A Brief History of Metabolic Typing 44 MODERN METABOLIC TYPING: MISCELLANEOUS DIETS AND DIETING GOODNESS The French Have Finally Given The World Something Of Value- The Dukan Diet 57 SIMPLE AS A, B, Bloody C, D, E! 61 STEW-ROIDS Stew-Roids Like A Muthafucka 64 THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS TOO MANY STEW-ROIDS 73 STEW-ROIDS FOR THE WIN 83 VEGETARIANISM/VEGANISM On Veganism 98 VEGETARIANISM AND VEGANISM: The Best Indicators of Severe Mental Illness Since the Tinfoil Hat 99 VEGETARIANISM AND VEGANISM 2: As Logical As A Poopie-Flavored Lollipop 102 MAKE IT FUCKING STOP! The Skinny Bitches Are Back 106 FINISHING OFF THE SKINNY BITCHES 110 PHYTO/XENOESTROGENS: SOY IS THE DEVIL, AND NOT IN A FUN WAY, 22 1/2 116 STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT PH BALANCED IS HORSESHIT 119 YO DOG! I WANNA LOOK LIKE YOU! Wanna-be Necromancer and Randomly Herbal Pharmacist 125 The Supplements You Own End Up Owning You 126 Page 1


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The Supplements You Own End Up Owning You I Only Eat Food In Bar Form (The Supplements You Own End Up Owning You, Addendum) HOW TO RAISE YOUR TEST LEVELS LIKE A FUCKING CAVEMAN YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MUCH TESTOSTERONE, SERIOUSLY HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE- BEHOLD THE ! ENOUGH ALREADY: ENOUGH ALREADY: EVIL WILL ALWAYS TRIUMPH, BECAUSE GOOD IS DUMB. Evil Will Always Triumph, Because Good Is Dumb: The Science EVIL WILL TRIUMPH, BECAUSE GOOD IS DUMB: STOP BEING A PUSSY: GO FUCKING FERAL GO FUCKING FERAL 2: You Can Gain Weight Without Looking Like a Fat Fuck YOU CAN GAIN WEIGHT WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE A FAT FUCK 2 YOU CAN GAIN WEIGHT WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE A FAT FUCK 3 CAN’T GAIN WEIGHT? GUESS WHAT- YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG 1 CAN’T GAIN WEIGHT? GUESS WHAT- YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG 2 CAN’T GAIN WEIGHT? GUESS WHAT- YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG 3 IT’S TIME TO STOP MOCKING INDIANS FOR THEIR CLUBBELLS #4: And You Thought Sumo Wrestlers Had A Fucked Up Diet DIETING THE CNP WAY: THE APEX PREDATOR DIET, IN FULL AND GLORIOUS DETAIL APEX PREDATOR DIET IF YOU’RE LEAN AS SHIT APEX PREDATOR FOR ATHLETES, ITALIANS AND GIRLS (APD & CARBS) TINKERING WITH THE APEX PREDATOR DIET THE NOT TOO FAT, BUT NOT TOO FUCKING LEAN APPROACH. APEX PREDATOR DIET, PART 4:

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YOU’RE FOCUSED ON ALL THE WRONG SORT OF DETAILS: IF YOU ABSOLUTELY FUCKING MUST EAT DOGSHIT, EAT THIS THE GOVERNMENT DOESN’T LIKE YOU: In All Probability, It Hates You. THERE’S A BUNCH OF FUCKING HORSESHIT FLOATING AROUND... CHEAT MEALS: GLYCOGEN SUPERCOMPENSATION & WEIGHT MANIPULATION NOT SAYING YOU SHOULD BECOME AN ALCOHOLIC, BUT… Works Cited

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“There are no more barriers to cross. All I have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil, all the mayhem I have caused and my utter indifference toward it I have now sured. My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better

1. INTRODUCTION This book has, for many people, been a long time coming. Over the last couple of years I have posted a wide array of seemingly disparate articles on diet that have left more than a few people scratching their heads, wondering exactly what it is I recommend. The short version is, of course, nothing. I recommend no one diet for all people, as I lack the requisite haughtiness and Such simplicity is folly, and it would be embarrassing for a person to accept the idea that such a thing was possible.

We are not machines. We did not issue forth from the maw of a mechanical womb, the mass-produced offspring of a digital god. Instead, we are the produce of a number of disparate genetic backgrounds and geographic locales from which each individual has received a unique set of instructions from their maker. There are no simple answers to the question of diet- just simple people in search of an illusion that could not possibly exist. As thinking beings, we need to embrace the fact that our conception of the simplicity of the world around us is no more real than the ideal diet we seek to Abandon your belief in egalitarianism. All humans were not created equal. As such, all humans and your strengths. They are the clues that will lead you to the diet that will unleash your inner Übermensch. Now, sit back, relax, and prepare your mind for the brutal onslaught of informational overload you are about to receive. What follows is the culmination of four years of research and writing on nutrition. When I began day studying any given subject, they would be an expert on that subject in a year. Having spent a solid year reading a variety of texts on nutrition, I realized that the adage must’ve been coined by a person who was only an expert at spouting original, if wholly incorrect, platitudes. Despite the hundreds of hours reading, the countless espressos chugged while reading every bit of the dreck gotten corners of university libraries, and the revisiting of all of my old bodybuilding tomes, I felt Page 3


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as though I still had a picture of the ideal human diet so incomplete that I might as well have been night. As such, I continued my research and experimentation with my own diet to determine what, if anything, constituted the ideal human diet. Even before I’d embarked on this intellectual journey, I’d already read a number of books, pored over thousands of nutrition articles in bodybuilding magazines, and tried nearly every type of diet of which one could think- the typical high carbohydrate, low fat bodybuilder diet, the traditional ketogenic diet, “Zone” dieting, Paleo, and then varying permutations of each. As such, the picture should have been, I thought, far clearer than it actually was. ideal eroded further, and the realization that even within a single person, the ideal diet might change from period to period in that person’s life. If that seems obtuse, allow me to explain- there are huge biochemical, physiological and hormonal differences in a person’s internal environment throughout his or her life. One’s body is hardly a static environment, as it’s impossible for a person to continually repeat the “perfect” day for maximum hypertrophy and minimal fat storage. As you and progesterone. That alone would play merry hell on your dieting, and that fails to take into your stress levels, sleep, training, exposure to environmental toxins, sexual activity, and illnesses. There are far too many factors at play for anyone to state unequivocally that a given diet is best in all cases, for all people, at any age. Any statement to the contrary is either a blatant lie or the product of an idiot. This is not a cop-out, nor is it an excuse for the possibility of dietary failure if you follow my dieting strategies to a “t”. Instead, this is a rational, educated adult attempting to impart a simple fact of life to other rational, educated adults- there is no magic diet that will work for you every day for the rest of your life. Instead, there’s the perfect diet for you, right now, and it’s up to you to pull on

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Patrick Bateman: I’m on a diet. Patrick Bateman: Well, you can always be thinner... look better. Jean: Then maybe we shouldn’t go out to dinner. I wouldn’t want you to lose your willpower. Patrick Bateman: That’s okay. I’m not very good at controlling it anyway. 2. MORE MENTAL THAN PHYSICAL, AND HARDER THAN YOU’D THINK One discussion I have more regularly than Charlie Sheen calls his coke dealer is with a woman (and any woman at that), wherein she expresses no small amount of angst, horror, disbelief, and a little bit of jealousy, at my “feed the machine” mentality towards eating. For those of you who aren’t already aware, I more or less eat to feed the machine- it’s much more about the macronutrient composition and my dietary needs than it is about what makes my inner child smile. In fact, fuck my inner child- my inner Hulk determines what I’m eating at any given moment. I’d never really given much thought to why that is so easy for me and so hard for most other people until this recent dialogue, at which point I stumbled across what seems to me to be the most important piece of the puzzle. , however (especially any women reading this) that I am an outsider looking in on this subject. Eating to satisfy some sort of inner emotional need is so far in the distant past I don’t even if it actually existed. Thus, I’ve no idea what I’ll be able to contribute in of actual steps to take to become a fucking machine- I’m just going to identify the problem The Problem, As I See It The problem before most people when embarking on a diet, a real, restrictive, extreme-end-goal, fuck the world and the fat burners diet, is twofold. First, they have to deprogram themselves from years of shitty dietary habits and the concomitant emotional attachment to certain foods. This is a massive problem for most people, as they tend to associate certain foods with certain feelings. Just about every broad I know, for instance, avoids the fuck out of protein and eats nothing but fat and sugar when they’re upset, and that shit generally comes in the form of baked goods, pasta covered in cheese, and potatoes. Frankly, that makes no sense to me, because half the time they’ll tell you they’re depressed because they feel fat. The answer, then, should be pretty simple [DIET HARDER] bullshit over the rational solution sitting in front of them. I assume guys do this as well, but all of the guys with whom I generally hang out are just as robotic about their eating as I, or take enough

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Whatever biochemical/hormonal response you’re getting out of the food pales in comparison to testosterone you’ll have from eating meat, getting lean and jacked, and getting the fuck up off the couch. Eating meat and getting lean does more for your psyche than you can imagine, as your body becomes a testosterone producing perpetual motion machine as you get leaner and more jacked (Habito et al, Li). Thus, you will be happier over time if you simply stay the course and abandon wounded inner child after looking at yourself in the mirror. While we’re not on the subject of jacking off, you’re far better off jerking off yourself than allowing your brain to jump into a rape van equals better everything [Editor’s note- More orgasms MAY equal more testosterone. Science has yet to arrive at a consensus there]. Additionally, if you’re suffering from moodiness and irritability, it’s likely due to to the high levels of estrogen running through your body if you’re overweight. Estrogen and fat are a perpetual motion machine of bullshit- fat produces estrogen and suppresses testosterone, and excess estrogen encourages fat storage. Suppressed testosterone also leads to moodiness (Barrett-Connor et al.), which, in turn, will generally lead to poor food choices. Additionally, allergens and other toxic chemicals in your environment (like the preservatives in that horrible shit you call “comfort foods”) can lead to moodiness and irritability (Watson 42-46). Furthermore, there appears to be a correlation between high protein consumption and high testosterone, as low protein diets show increased levels of sex-hormone-binding-globulin, a chemical that attaches to testosterone and keeps it from becoming bio-available (Schuler 70-71). This means that the shit most of you generally use to improve your mood is actually having the opposite effect. Thus, there’s something to be said for that ridiculously overused quotation you’ll see on every “thinsperation” site on the internet, “Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels,” because being lean feels fucking AWESOME. Every time you look in the mirror, you feel good about being you. Having a shitty day? Guess what, there’s a brand new vein on your bicep waiting to cheer you right the fuck up. It’s just that simple. Dough nuts likely do not have the same effect. In re “Thinspiration”, which is what sites dedicated to pictures of extraordinarily thin chicks claim to be, I’m not really a fan of the waif look, but you have to appreciate the dedication of being the hunger artists those broads are. Turning starvation into a philosophy is pretty Kafka-esque, and anyone who’s down with the author of is good by me. Tragically, those broads are probably just too fucking stupid and lazy to diet and exercise correctly, so they just avoid food altogether and completely dissemble my argument above. Alas. The Dark Period The second issue facing most dieters is what I’m going to call the “dark period.” That would be the time in which you seem to be spinning your wheels, since there’s not really all that much apprePage 6


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ciable difference in your appearance and you’re just hungry and pissed off. That period blows, and I’ve gone through it more than once in my adult life in spite of my draconian dieting regime, simply stantly get bigger and stronger, not to mention mentally exhausting. Were I to simply resign myself thing in the world that’s awesome is violently illegal over there, but I managed to get as lean as I’d day. I was, however, fucking tiny. Thus, I’ve got to overeat like a motherfucker and train my ass off to stay in the 190+ area, and at times that’ll wear you down. Thus, I’ll let my diet slide, and I’ll gain fat that’s hard as fuck to take off while maintaining a level of musculature my body apparently hates. When that happens, I go though the following stages: 1) Denial that I’m getting fatter. (So I keep eating the shit that’s been making me fatter). 2) Acceptance that I’ve gotten fatter. (Deliberation about diet and half-assed dieting). 3) Resolve to get lean again. (Hard dieting begins). 4) Initial awesome fat loss stage. This is when veins I’d forgotten about start popping out on my biceps, and my lower abs start to show a bit. This is massively encouraging, so I diet and train harder. 5) The Dark Period. with lean meat and Baked Lays more than once a week). At this point, I am angry as fuck that my appears to be stalled. At this point, I start to question if it’s even worth it and if I should stay the course. The Dark Period will likely be the worst fucking time of your dieting life- it trumps the initial stages Dark Period generally lasts a couple of weeks, which is livable. The duration of this period is blissfully short for me because I think 12% bodyfat is unspeakably obese, and thus never really get obesity, this period will likely far outlast mine. My Dark Period still fucking blows, but it’s nothing whatsoever like what most people have to endure. For most people, the Dark Period can last multiple months, as there’s a really weird period of time that occurs wherein you can see major changes in your physique, and it’s more disheartening than discovering your favorite slutty friend is averse to anal gangbangs. The bit of happy news for those of you who are under 15% bodyfat is that once you get under 10%, you pretty much see new detail in your physique on a daily basis, which is excellent motivation to continue dieting. For the rest of you, however, you’ll have to contend both with the loss of the foods that gave you temporary joy while eating them and a protracted period in which nothing appreciable seems to be happening, which most people consign themselves to failure because their lose their resolve for lack of a visible “light at the end of the tunnel”. People Page 7


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will then decide that they cannot get any leaner, and they’ll make innumerable excuses for why that is. , however, that “certainty is a cruel mindset- it hardens our minds against possibility and closes them to the world we actually live in.”(Langer 24) Given that it’s far easier to fail than succeed, and the fact that we’re awash in a sea of fucking elephants these days, it’s easy to convince yourself that failure is ok. That, however, is nothing more than lazy thinking and defeatism, and fuck defeatism. You’re no more designed to be fat than house cats are designed to be vegetarianshumans are apex predators by design, not fat lumps of shit who need Lipitor to keep their arteries The Solution The simplest solution here is a tangible, Van Damme-style hard target of a goal. By this, I do Something in which you’ll look like an ass if you fail. You need the fear of failure and a desire for success simultaneously pushing you forward, and likely to greater heights than you ever imagined. As such, if you want to get lean, here’s what you should do- pick a meet that’s in a sport in which you want to compete and in which YOU HAVE A REASONABLE DEGREE OF SKILL. For retarded. Thus, this aside: Certain people are good at certain things and not others. Others are good at a shitload of aren’t reading this shit- they’re busy playing with My Little Ponies in their parents’ basement most success in life are those who work hard getting better at what they’re good at, while devoting far less time (though some) to improving on their weaknesses. If you spend all your time working on your perceived weaknesses, the best for which you can hope is mediocrity, and mediocrity is a stupid fucking goal mine what your competitive strengths are. Having done so, weigh them against what you enjoy. The shit that has the most crossover is the shit in which you should compete. Before you people start making claims about my claims about being unmuscular and generally unsuited for powerlifting, consider the fact that I NEVER consulted with other people about training. I never asked detailed questions of a complete stranger about training. If I did a great deal about training, and I pushed the fuck out of myself. As such, you are almost certainly nothing like me. My success comes from nearly twenty years of breaking my fucking ass in the gym 5 or more days a week, through illness, training, vacations, travel, divorce... you fucking name it. I have a burning desire to rule everything around me, and I will bend the fucking world to my will. Thus, I can be pretty fucking awesome at just about anything I want, because I hate losing more than I like watching tv. Get me? In short, what I’m saying is there seem to be a lot of you out there who pick what you want Page 8


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so many ridiculous emails claiming improvements in their squat after 5 years and they’re not even hitting 300 lbs at 190. NOTE: If you’re 190 lbs and you cannot squat 300 lbs after two years of training, DO NOT POWERLIFT. You will not only never be good at it, but you’ll embarrass yourself, your family, and your friends in the process. The same goes for people who want to be olympic lifters but suck at visage. This seems elementary to me, but the internet seems to have put it in everyone’s head that they should research the fuck out of things (badly), then discuss those things on message boards (using pseudo-intellectualism that would make a beret-wearing junior college philosophy major blush), and only then try them. If you’ve done that, punch yourself in the face- you’re likely too stupid to succeed in killing yourself, so you might as well not bother bottom, pick something else to do. that much simpler, as you don’t have to worry so much about strength. If it’s anything involving a hell of a lot of running around (I’m looking at you, rugby players) you’re you’re doing naught but announcing your sloth and idiocy to those around you if you’re not fairly lean. If it’s a strength sport, you’re likely going to be concerned about losing strength. Don’t be, for a couple of reasons: 1)

Dieting keeps you focused on training, and vice versa. The harder you diet, the harder

you hit the gym, because you’ve already made a shitload of concessions about your training (in the fuel selection), so you’re retreating from success before you even touch a bar. If you’re entering the gym pissed off and a little hungry from dieting, you’ll take out your frustration on the weights, and you’ll want to break your fucking ass so that the effort of dieting isn’t wasted. 2) lose muscle or strength from dieting. Anyone who says otherwise was dieting like a bodybuilder, which is fucking retarded. Bodybuilders diet the way they do because they’re mentally weak and rely on drugs to do the majority of the work. In strength sports, you do all the heavy lifting- a vial of test has never lifted a goddamned thing. 3) Even if you managed to lose strength, dropping fat means dropping weight, which means dropping weight classes. As such, your relative strength will likely rise. For instance, you decide to do a meet, and you currently have a 1500 lb total at 200 lbs, with 15% bodyfat. You diet your ass off, and in 5 months are 181 with 6% bodyfat, a badass set of abs, but only a 1450 total (which would be HIGHLY unlikely, but this is just for the sake of argument). Your Wilks coefPage 9


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of getting best lifter than you would have been as a fat 198 lber. In any event, you’re going to pick a competition not more than six months away. I say not more than six months away because you need a sense of immediacy driving you forward. You need to hear a clock ticking in the background, and you need to be without room for error or failure. You need a time limit so that your every action must be near-perfect to achieve your goal. Once you decide on the meet, mail in your participation forms and fees immediately. Spending money on entry fees, whatever equipment you’ll need, and travel will guilt you into training. Additionally, you will have to set a tangible goal on that form, because you will ostensibly have picked a weight class in which you realistically want to compete. Take your bodyfat, decide what’s doable in the time allotted, and where you would like to be, and then start dieting. THAT DAY. Not tomorrow. Not on Monday. Right then and fucking there. Starting the diet’s not the hard part- sticking with the diet is. Like I mentioned, you’re initially going to see a lot of progress. That will motivate you to train and diet harder, which will initially produce even more pronounced results. Then, quite without warning, those results will seem to stall. I have no idea what the fuck your body is doing in this period, or why it happens. What I can tell you, however, is that it even fucks with my head. You will start to doubt everything at this point, and you’ll start blindly grabbing for solutions to kill the stall in your recomposition. What people do most commonly at this point, if they don’t quit altogether, is to either take a layoff or change what they’re doing entirely.

DO NOT DO EITHER. Neither one of those things is what got you to where you are, and you’re not a pre-industrial explorer who’s run out of land and has to start building a boat. You’re simply a pilot who’s hit a badass headwind in the middle of a fucking hurricane. Like that pilot, you’re just going to have to give it more gas to keep making any progress, and keep going the exact same way you’re going to avoid having the hurricane spin you around and slam you into the fucking ground. Make no mistake- if you stray from the course that got you to your stall, you will fucking crash and burn. Instead, you just give that fucker more gas to get through the dark period. Like that pilot, you will get out of the storm, and you will be fucking happy with the results when you do. Sequential shifts in behavior spur the most change- not radical ones (Young 45). Thus, when you •Add a weighted vest to your light workouts and just wear it throughout the lift. •Add in a long morning walk on an empty stomach. •Stand up while you play Xbox. •Cut down on the number of carbs you eat during a refeed, spread them out throughout the day, or try concentrating them into one big burst. •Add a couple of sets to each workout of piddly shit you’d like to improve. Page 10


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Any improvement you make to what has already been proven to work will help get you through the dark period. If you spend too much time analyzing and not enough time doing, however, you will suffer from paralysis of analysis, and you will utterly fail. Over-analysis anchors you in the past, causes you to associate the problem with odd and often downright fucking ridiculous things, and or the minor details of this or that, and just fucking TRY HARDER. If I had a fucking dollar for every email I’ve received where the obvious answer was “try harder, you fucking pussy”, I’d have a shitload of money. If you simply do something, and you believe what you’re doing will work, it will. If sugar pills can cure 50% of depression cases simply because the patients believe in the efsuccess, because unlike the whiny pussies in the depression study, you’re getting off your ass and taking charge of your own life. During this period, you are going to have to work harder than ever to stay focused. It is going to suck. You’re going to need more sleep. You’re going to get pissed off at little shit, because you’re are going to start making suggestions about making concessions, about how what you’re doing is unnatural and possibly unhealthy, and they’re going to reinforce your doubts and that shitty little voice in the back of your head. It is at this point that you need to the following:

You are better than every single fucking person around you. You’re a goddamned demi-god- you have transcended the human condition and become something better, and you’re on your way to becoming a godhead. If, that is, you can stay the course. To do this, I use a variety of techniques. I listen to even more aggressive music, and I am constantly on the hunt for new music to get me pumped up. I will only read books in which the protagonist is Child’s Reacher books, Vlad the Impaler’s biography, or my ultimate pump-up book, Gates of Fire. fast and aggressively. On top of that, I’ll diet even harder, reduce my carbs during my refeed days, and cut any sugars during my Rampage. Prevention of mental stalls is done through pre-programming a response to cut reaction time. “Preprogramming appears to circumvent the strategy formulation stage and directly s the motor program into the central nervous system”(Siddle 70-71). For me, preprogramming is as simple as cloaking myself in superhuman, aggressive awesomeness. It is NEVER, however, reading tales of woe and failure on the fucking internet, so avoid message boards like the goddamned plague during that time. There’s nothing in them but fucking fail. 135 lb form check? I only want to see it if it’s a 6 year old girl doing it and she cuts the throat of some dickbag in Under Armor you’ve made enough progress? Only if the last picture posted is you opening the veins on your wrists while chugging bleach.

Keep it positive, and keep it aggressive. You will prevail. Page 11


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have two choices- be a strong person or a weak person. There’s no in-between. If you fail at dieting, you’re fucking weak. There is no other reason- it’s not your thyroid, or your genetics, or the fact that you didn’t use this or that drug- it’s because you’re fucking weak. Should you choose to be and their mental state could not possibly matter less to me. It should, however, matter a great deal to you. Thus, you should succeed at your diet to make yourself a stronger, better person. You will thank yourself, and the more miserable the experience, the more you’ll appreciate it thereafter.

Failure is not an option. STEMMING THE TIDE OF DE-EVOLUTION, a.k.a. HARDEN THE FUCK UP There is little case to be made, in my mind, against the idea that humanity has de-evolved since the advent of agriculture, and further with the adoption of Christianity by the vast majority of the world. In the last hundred years, advancements have been made in human health, and the stature and longevity of the human race as a whole has improved rather markedly. This is hardly something to jump up and down screaming about, however, as humanity’s health had been in a steady decline since the abandonment of hunting and gathering, and then had its genetic pool continually diluted and systematically destroyed by the Christian ethic of mercy, which has allowed the genetthe “mercy” inherent in allowing those children who would have been left to wild dogs to wander about in society, increasing the prevalence of mental and physical retardation, in addition to every sort of mental illness one might encounter. This problem was exacerbated by the adoption of a diet wholly unsuited to humanity, that of agrarian fare, in lieu of the meat and veggie-intensive diet of our paleolithic ancestors. Fact: “Many Neolithic groups routinely resorted to infanticide in order to control their numbers so that their lands could them. Decapitated skeletons of hominid children have been found with evidence of cannibalism. Joseph Birdsell believes in infanticide rates of 15-50% of the total number of births in prehistoric times. Williamson estimated a lower rate ranging from 15-20%. Both believe that high rates of infanticide persisted until the development of agriculture. Comparative anthropologists have calculated that 50% of female newborn babies were killed by their parents in the Paleolithic” Additionally, “Exposure of newborns was widely practiced in ancient Greece. In Greece the decision to expose a child was typically the father’s, although in Sparta the decision was made by a group of elders. Exposure was the preferred method of disposal, as that act in itself was not murder; moreover, the exposed child technically had a chance of being rescued by the gods or any ersby.” Wikipedia (Infanticide). According to archaeologists, skeletal remains show that paleolithic humans developed musculariPage 12


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ty similar to today’s elite athletes (Eaton)- in the paleolithic era, humanity resembled professional as killing megafauna with nothing more than a sharp stick. They were hardly the stooped, sickly, grubby motherfuckers that archaeologists of yore would like to have you think they were. Instead, they were heavily muscled, heavily tatted, meat eating motherfuckers who were bigger, on average, THAN MODERN MAN (Ungar). Additionally, archaeologists believe that the fact that the average paleolithic person only lived to be 35 was due to “the combination of stresses of nomadism, climate, and warfare, not because they died of old age, sickness, or malnutrition. The latter is especially clear in the Jebel Sahaba population, where projectile wounds affecting bone are very common and ‘almost half the population probably died violently.” Over the subsequent few thousand years, the average lifespan only increased about 5 years, until the advent of modern medicine, when it then doubled (Nicholson [ed.- The chart from which I pulled this info is in the appendix]). Not all of the softness and shittiness of the modern human can be attributed to diet and religion, however, as it is fairly obvious at this point that the mere sloth of the modern human is not to be underestimated. We’ve all heard our grandpas tell us how much tougher people were back in the day- I having my college roommate’s insane, one eyed grandpa relate to me the following tale: “I lived on a FARM. You DO know what a farm is, eh boy?! Well, it was the Depression, and and PUSHING DOWN THE CORN. PUSHING DOWN THE CORN! WHY WOULD A PERSON SLEEP ON TOP OF CORN STALKS?” [At this point, I was edging away from the man, as he was practically foaming at the mouth, and he was screaming at me from a distance of about 4 inches, nose to nose with me.] So this one guy, a real hardass, tells me to go fuck my mother when I told him to get off the property. I got out of the truck and whooped his ass for him. I was 19 or 20, and I wasn’t about to let some bum talk like that about my mother. So, I beat his ass, and he was laying there, whining and weeping in the dirt. As I picked him up to throw him in the bed of my truck, he rolled over and STABBED ME IN THE FUCKING EYE WITH A CORKSCREW. [He emphasized this point my pointing at the pirate patch over his left eye.] Dumbstruck, I asked what he did next.] WHAT DO YOU THINK I DONE, BOY? I STABBED THAT BASTARD IN THE THROAT WITH THE CORKSCREW. Then I drove myself to the hospital, where they gave me a patch, an aspirin, and some sulfa. That’s how we did it in the OLD DAYS. You boys are soft!” To summarize, the man pulled out his own eye and stabbed a man to death, whom I later found out fuck who you are, THAT is the essence of brutality. Other impressive past feats: •In 1834, a Norwegian sailor named Menson Ernst ran from Paris to Moscow, a distance of about 1550 miles, in 14 days, 18 hours. We’re talking unpaved, muddy country roads in the middle of one of the shittiest areas in history, and the fucker SWAM 13 RIVERS on the way. Two years later, he worked as a courier to the East India Company and traveled 5625 miles from Calcutta to Page 13


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Constantinople in 59 days- crossing almost nothing but desert and mountains, and ing through India, Tibet, Afghanistan, Persia, Mesopotamia, Syria, and Turkey (Willoughby). •Milo Steinborn SQUATTED 553 pounds. 1927 (Ibid). •The usual load carried by porters in Izmi, Turkey was 560 lbs in the early part of this century, and frequently carried 840 lbs (Ibid). •Turkish porters in Constantinople used to carry regular load of 600 lbs, sometimes at a trot, and some of the strongest porters carried 800 lbs (Ibid). To make matters worse, modern man has proved himself to have been weighed, measured, and found wanting in comparison with his ancestors. Multiple times, modern Americans have attempted to mimic the daily efforts of the people of the past, and have not only been incapable of doing so, but have even deemed their efforts impossible. How were the pyramids built? CERTAINLY NOT BY HAND! Easter Island? Must have been magic. Until recently, archaeologists didn’t think that Viking longships were SEAWORTHY, because they couldn’t replicate their acts. That’s rightthey didn’t think that Vikings, who have left shit scattered all over Minnesota, could navigate the ocean, in spite of the fact that they were well-documented sailors. In the last few years, a number of efforts have been made to replicate the actions of the Vikings, and have been disasters. It was Olympic rowers (Viking Voyage). Bear in mind that Vikings would regularly row to where they wanted to go, then immediately disembark and begin killing everyone they saw with massive broadengage in a bit of rapine. Modern athletes can’t even ROW the fucking things, much less row somewhere and then storm a beachhead thereafter and lay waste to a city. So, what does this tell us? We’re a civilization softer than any in mankind’s history, and we’ve not even regained the stature of our prehistoric ancestors. The word “pathetic” hardly even describes our collective physical state in comparison to our predecessors, and there’s no excuse for it.

“We don’t have a great war in our generation, or a great depression, but we do, we have a great war of the spirit. We have a great revolution against the culture. The great depression is our lives. “ -Chuck Palahniuk Our revolution, our purpose, should be to undo the millennia of bullshit and nonsense that has gone on in the human race. We should resolve to be stronger, faster, and leaner than any group of people in history. We shall return to the age wherein men looked like men, acted like men, and did manly shit. Gone is the time wherein you should feel comfortable bitching about physical shit- just do it. Your lower back hurts because you’ve done a few sets of deadlifts, and you want to stop? You’re a fucking pussy. If a Turkish porter could do it a hundred years ago, I’ll be a Chinese jet pilot if you can’t muster up the balls to lift it now. Arthur Saxon drank lager beer mixed with gin and eggs and then proceeded to outlift EVERYONE, in an era before testosterone had been isoPage 14


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lated, and was lean as fuck while doing it. Want to eat more food but not be a fatass? THEN LIFT MORE. Want to get stronger and bigger? LIFT MORE. If people could do it in an era wherein they had no idea where their next meal was coming from, you sure as shit can do it now. If the guys above managed to somehow live through what any slack-jawed pussy on Bodyspace would swear is overtraining, and thrive, if the pyramids do indeed exist, if the Vikings managed to do what they did, and if TURKISH PORTERS ROUTINELY LIFTED MORE IN A DAY THAN YOU EVER HAVE IN A WEEK, overtraining can suck it. The “take it easy” crowd can suck it. The “10 minute abs” people can suck it. The next time you hear some Under Armor clad asshole in the gym tell you that if you train chest twice in a week you’re overtraining, grab him by the throat and pound his fucking face until you see bone and brain. He shouldn’t be allowed to procreate. No one ever got manlier by doing less, and training smarter rather than harder makes you a corner cutting pussy, not a weightlifting virtuoso.

“There’s no use in denying it: this has been a bad week. I’ve started

YOUR FAT IS UNEQUIVOCALLY YOUR FAULT A few years ago, a book was released entitled Your Fat Is Not your Fault. Though the book likely wasn’t popular enough to have effected great change in the American zeitgeist, it certainly echoed the strongly held beliefs of a lot of extraordinarily fat people trundling their worthless asses around your local Walmart. Virtually anything other than their lack of self-discipline and willpower is marketing, governmental complicity, societal pressure, and vast conspiracies implicating some or all of the aforementioned. Of the lot, certainly poverty is bandied about the most, as a number of studies have drawn a correlation between poverty and obesity. Unsurprisingly, this correlation does not hold if one looks at the United States in prior eras, nor does it hold consistently outside of the United States. As these statistics are easily obtained through a google search it seems obvious that obesity is more strongly correlated with sloth and stupidity. Again unsurprisingly, that correlation holds no matter what spatial or temporal boundaries are employed, and actually extends further. As such, I propose that the root of the problem behind obesity in America is a combination of stupidity and laziness, with the amusing correlates of religiosity and bad driving to boot.

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Your Fat Is Not Your Fault didn’t blame any of those things, but rather ascribed fatness to bad parenting, food allergies, and a bunch of other happy horseshit. Irrespective, it still takes the onus off the fat person and places it on everyone else, which is preposterous. If you’re stuck in a room slowly

unless they enjoyed wallowing in sewage. One would think that a penis disappearing under folds of fat would cause people react with much the same level of distress, alarm, and heightened motivation towards resolution, but they’re too fucking lazy to bother. Thus, they blame everyone and everything else for their problems and continue to get fatter while they scream about their rights as an alleged human being, their persecution by the skinny right, and the fact that their obesity is not a direct result of their own actions. No matter what their preposterous accusations, however, it’s not society that made them fat, and the only thing keeping them from resembling an actual human is The most common correlation mentioned between fatness and anything else is poverty. Fat people and leftists love to claim that obesity is the result of poverty, and use a variety of studies to illustrate the correlation. If you’re thinking to yourself that this makes no sense, you’re right, but they confuse correlation for causation because they’re stupid and lazy, and they seem to think that all poor people are so fucking dumb they don’t know what food is bad for them and what’s not. As I show above, there’s much more to this issue, but it appears clear to me that stupidity and sloth, not poverty, are at its root. Fat people aren’t fat because they’re poor- they’re poor because they’re fat and stupid. To wit: Stupid, lazy people make terrible decisions. As such, they get fat, a condition exacerbated by the fact that they’re incredibly lazy. Perhaps to whatever low-paying jobs they might have been able to obtain. They are only able to obtain low-paying jobs because ugly people earn less than attractive people. This isn’t fatism- it’s a simple sociological fact that people are nicer to attractive people, and attractive people are more successful Mart, they fall back on the idea that their station in life is divinely ordained, and that they can do created. This, then, explains why they’re poor. Before you shit your pants screaming about the logical leaps I’ve just made, consider the following: I added in the bad driving and religion simply because I thought it was amusing, but it seems obvious that fat people are genetically predisposed to anything, it’s sucking at life more than Channing Tatum sucks at acting. ed to be an in-depth statistical analysis. Even if it were, everyone worth a shit (read: everyone but fat people) who has been through business school has read all or part of . Page 17


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If you’ve not, it’s a book that clearly explicates the fundamental problem with statistics, which is that they can be manipulated by clever statisticians to nearly any political, sociologicial, or otherwise theoretical aim. Irrespective of the shallow nature of my statistical analysis, I’m certain that were students of anthropology were to look deeply into the data, my supposition would likely be borne out in great detail, but would then be blasted in the press and suppressed for being “mean.” Why would it be suppressed? Because nonsense like the following is more accepted than the truth: “It’s no secret that there’s a correlation between poverty and obesity. We’re living in the supposedly richest nation in the world (thanks to a glorious legacy of slavery and property theft), where the majority of the people are either poor, or hopelessly debt-riddled and overtaxed middle class. The majority of Americans don’t have enough money relative to the quality of life we’re expect to maintain for our families, and at best rely on consumer debt to survive, and at worst criminal activities that may land us in jail. Many of us live or work in areas where we don’t have access to affordable healthy food. We may not have the time or money or energy or desire to work out or cook healthy meals at home when they’re already working 2 or more jobs to barely get by. Most of us don’t have adequate healthcare. Most of stairs), can’t afford or don’t have access to a public gym, and may not live in areas where it’s safe to go jogging at night, or for our children to get exercise by playing outside. We’re encouraged to self-medicate our exhaustion and misery with booze, cigarettes, television, video games, internet, and processed food that is literally chemically engineered the hit the pleasure centers of our brains like narcotic drugs, driving the urge to eat more (a hence, buy more). This narcotic food is cheap, even cheaper if you go for the 64 oz. Big Gulp, the King Size candy bar, the supersize fast food “value meal.” You can buy this “food” almost anywhere, and it’s a quick makes you feel good when you’re tired or cranky, at least temporarily. And it’s no big surprise that this lifestyle often leads to obesity, diabetes, and other issues”(James). To summarize: fat people are fat because rich, thin, blood-thirsty capitalists force them to live beyond their means and internalize the belief that they can afford anything and everything. Thus, having overspent on trinkets, there’s no money left for food, so the overworked and under-appreciated proles are forced to feed their families processed foods because they’re too lazy to cook real food. Then, they’re not given free gym hips or rides to the gym by the aforementioned blood-thirsty capitalists, replete with top hats and monocles, and they must live with their bigscreen TVs and smart phones in undesirable areas with people in the same situation yet are apparwith junk food, nicotine, and alcohol to escape from the reality in which they live, and those medications are the only things that the rich provide them, as a soma for the Betas, Deltas, Epsilons, and Gammas of our cruel world. Only the fattest simpletons on Earth could possibly buy this ridiculous tripe. The fat broad who penned that ridiculously intellectually disingenuous bullshit has cast herself as nothing more than Page 18


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an easily led herd animal manipulated into a lifestyle she could have easily avoided if she didn’t suck, and then managed to paint her fellow cattle as dangerous miscreants and criminals. Had this genius ever read Rhetoric, she might have developed the ability to formulate a cogent argument, but that would again require she not be a lazy piece of shit. She’d also know, were she not so fucking disgracefully slothful, that the correlation she mentioned between poverty and obesity only exists in the last decade of the 20th century and the beginning of the 21st century and only in the United States. This, of course, brings me back to my premise- our problem is that people are hideously, shockingly, and inexcusably fucking stupid and lazy. The fatty above blames everything on capitalism and income inequality, but fails to take into that the United States of the early 20th Century had nearly as much income inequality, yet they were far leaner. The immigrants coming across the ocean weren’t whining about how fat they were, simply because they were too busy working hard and making their own fucking food to get fat, in spite of the fact that they were hard-drinking, chain-smoking, lifestyles kept them from getting fat. Nor does this correlation exist outside of the United States, because the correlation is nothing more than the root of a stupid fucking argument that’s the brainchild of intellectually lazy socialists. The less intellectually lazy socialists at PBS had this to say to their red-banded compatriots last year: “There are an estimated 1.46 billion overweight adults worldwide, and 502 million of them are considered obese. While nearly all countries are seeing rates rise, the severity of the problem varies greatly from country to country, said the WHO. In Japan, about one in every 20 adult women is obese, compared to one in four in Jordan, one in three in the United States and Mexico, and up to seven in 10 in Tonga. percent of the adult population could be obese by 2030 if current trends continue, a team from Columbia University and Harvard University wrote in a separate paper in the series”(Miller). In other words, everyone’s seeing people getting fatter, and it has little to do with poverty- in poor countries, the rise in obesity is among the rich. Where’s the indignation on their behalf, fat bitches? On what day shall we weep for them- people who are likely getting rich off the literal blood of their countrymen. It’s not like there are any motherfucking Sudanese getting loot by expanding their cosmetic lines to serve outlying populations in northern Uganda. People in truly poor countries will eat anything on which they can get their hands, and still, unsurprisingly, manage not to be fat. affordable food, which is utter fucking nonsense. Think I’m lying? It’s possible, even in Europe where meat is hideously expensive, to eat a Paleolithic diet on the cheap. I personally managed to eat very well for about $30 bucks a day, and I was eating 2 kilos of chicken breast and a big bag of mixed veggies daily in Vienna, the 24th most expensive city on Earth (Bloomberg) [Editor’s note: Though the author believes $30 a day is living on the cheap, I tend to disagree. However having Page 19


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lived in Europe as well and eaten for around $7 a day (in Berlin) and remaining pretty Paleo, I also have to agree]. I’m not saying that paleo’s the only healthy manner of eating, but it’s indisputably healthier than what most poor people in the US eat, and it’s generally considered to be hideously expensive. The former-American-turned-Czech over at the blog Prague Stepchild ran a 7 day challenge with his readers, and the three winners showed it was possible to not only eat extremely healthily, but also extremely well for between $25 and $85 a week per person- “Brendon spends $30-35 a week in South Korea. Jonathan spent $27.75 for a week, simply shopping at his local supermarket, and Margaret spent $85.49, around the national average, for very high quality food (grass-fed beef, etc).”(Prague) Thus, it’s not a matter of cost, but a matter of sloth, which the fat bitch freely its- “We may not have the time or money or energy or desire to work out or cook healthy meals at home.” Thus, it’s not a matter of accessibility or affordability, but rather of work ethic. This is why the poor Americans in the early 20th Century looked like badasses and many of the poor people of this century looks like the shiftless, disgusting sacks of shit that they are. To be fair, however, the poor people of the 19th century could afford healthy food because they didn’t spend all of their cash on crack, guns, and iPhones. Let’s get back to my awesome chart, though, since I went to the trouble of making it. On that chart, we see a very strong correlation between shit test scores in grade school (which we can attribute to a combination of shitty parenting and laziness), low rates of college graduation, religion, and poverty. Perhaps we should start broadcasting public service announcements that science and math are not the works of the Devil, and if you actually work hard in school you can get a job that will allow you to shop at Whole Foods if they wished. Certainly, I’m not going to blame Jesus for this problem, as that motherfucker had a badass six-pack, but the cattle who worship him around the clock seem to love Ring Dings and couches just as much as the Good Book and hate learning, exercise, and vegetables like they’re the Devil himself. So, what are we left with? How about the fact that people are so lazy that they consider it a victory to walk a marathon. That they will put on exercise clothes to walk the dog, because that, to them, constitutes exercise. That’s not exercise- that’s LIFE. Living your life the way humanity was intended to- moving the fuck around. Fat people are fat because they’re lazy. They don’t understand it because they’re stupid. They’re stupid because they’re as intellectually lazy as they are physically. Think I’m exaggerating? Think again. “Only 5.07% of Americans reported doing any vigorous-intensity activity like running, while at the other end of the scale, more than 95% said they had engaged in the highly sedentary activity of eating and drinking. The next most common activity was another sedentary one — watching television or a movie, which 8 in 10 Americans did. The “most frequently reported moderate activities were food and drink preparation (25.7%), followed by lawn, garden, and houseplant care (10.6%),” the study said” (Song). Food preparation, my friends, is not moderate exercise unless you’re a teppanyaki chef at a JapaPage 20


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sode of Dragonball Z for hours on end. The problem, obviously, is that people are incredibly lazy, and that’s why they’re fat. For whatever reason, the government decided to exacerbate this issue by deeming housework as moderate activity, which must be how the obese decided that preparing the food they jam down their gullets is exercise.(Rhone) By prepare, of course, I assume that they mean “drive to KFC, order KFC famous bowl, return home, eat disgusting gelatinous brown glop in shame.” Speaking of lazy, how about we address the laziest of all excuses that land whales bandy about as the source of their bodyfat- hypothyroidism. Whenever anyone blames glandular issues or their hormone. Fat people generally assign blame to this in addition to their genetics, which they seem to think are part of the vast global conspiracy to consign them to a life trapped in a fat suit and the ridicule and scorn that comes with it. Again, this is nothing short of laziness, because if they were in any way motivated to come up with anything other than a half-witted rationale for being a disgusting fatass, they’d know that only 4.6% of the population of the United States suffers from hypothyroidism(Golden). Again, we’ve got nothing more on our hands than a pack of fat, stupid, lazy people who can’t drive to Dunkin Donuts without smashing into other cars and parking on the sidewalk while bellowing odes to Jesus at the top of their lungs and shrieking in horror at the sight of a book. It might surprise you to discover that I have no problem with people being fat if that’s what they want to be. I believe that the male archetype is the Farnese Hercules and the female archetype is however, is the intellectual disingenuity that begins with people whining about the alleged discrimination under which they supposedly suffer for a condition they themselves embraced and actively cultivated, only to turn and state that they’re victims of a mysterious and nebulous third party. It’s the same bullshit that resulted in 10 Minute Abs and the Thighmaster- sloth. If they love eating and fucking and want to lay around all day eating cheesecake, awesome, but keep your fucking mouth shut about discrimination- they chose a lifestyle that led to their current state. Thus, I think there’s a compelling case to be made for the idea that a person’s fat is his or her own fault. Whether or not they choose to do something about it is one thing, but they certainly can have a coke and a smile and shut the fuck up about it. They made their soft, pillowy beds, and now they can lie in them- a state of repose should be fairly natural for them at this point, anyway.

YOUR FAT IS UNEQUIVOCALLY YOUR FAULT 2: Of all of the horrible dreck foisted upon the American public by television production compaPage 21


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nies, the worst of them is without question the paean to failure called The Biggest Loser. No one, no matter how disconnected from society they are, can possibly be unaware of this circus sideshow of obesity, given its ubiquitousness around the world. I found the fact that it’s a worldwide phenomenon to be rather surprising, given that it’s accepted as a matter of course that Americans are the sloppiest bunch of hamburger-guzzling, sloth-like gluttons on the planet, but our fatness has apparently spilled over into other countries, like a wheezing fat man’s gut over and under the armrest separating your chair from his on the airplane. No fewer than 27 other countries and regions have aired this pathetic spectacle at some point, and America’s actually had two concurrent shows at once- one in English and one in Spanish. My problems with the show are hardly the average litany of criticisms, as I am hardly the average drating themselves and subsisting on a starvation diet to win a game show. Welcome to high school wrestling, big wide world- they’re not doing shit high school and collegiate wrestlers do as a matter of course. Shit, powerlifters cut weight all the time, and there’s nothing but a medal at the end of the meet, rather than the Losers’ hundreds of thousands of dollars. •They bemoan the fact that two contestants were hospitalized after a 1 mile foot race. A one mile foot race? Those fat fucks should have been shot on the side of the road, as the laggards (rightly) were in the Kurt Russell epic movie Soldier. If you cannot make it a fucking mile on no excuse on Earth to be in that kind of shape, and if you’re in it, fucking die already. You’re a disgrace even to a species that worships people like the Kardashians and who think that living under a fascist dictatorship is “safety”. •They claim that the show sets unrealistic expectations for weight loss. We’re talking about a show wherein obese people go on hiatus from their jobs and train with trainers and have meals prepared by chefs and nutritionists while on a weight training vacation. Did I mention they get paid on that vacation? Well, they do. Thus, they effectively have sponsorship while taking that weight training vacation. How could that be anything but unrealistic? Who on Earth, other than Marius Pudzianowski and Stan Efferding, can do that? What could possibly be realistic about that? Moreover, if you’re a fat person using that show for inspiration, you’ve already failed- there’s no pot of gold sitting at the end of your fat loss rainbow. There’s just a lot of loose skin and a gremlin sitting on your shoulder screaming at you to eat Oreos. •They decry the fact that most of the contestants regain the weight they lost. Welcome back to reality, people- that’s what fucking happens. Apparently, the concept of a bodyfat set point is as elusive to most people as it is that a distinct and driving predilection to make shitty food care enough to do something about waistlines growing faster than the yeast infections between their sweaty thighs, they’re certainly not going to do something about their weight after they get off the show, either. We’re talking about people who need a $300k carrot and a stick wielded by screaming trainers who chase them hither and yon for 12 hours a day and direct their every movewithout external motivation, those fatties are completely fucking useless. Page 22


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Clearly, the world is missing the point entirely. If anything, the show the Biggest Loser exists because it makes less fat people feel better about themselves, and most of America is fat as shit. It’s a visual Xanax for fatties thinking of (rightly) blowing their brains out because they’ve failed to keep the machine that is their body in top working order. You don’t see gearheads whining that the autojunk. That’s because they know it’s fantasy come to life, just like taking a 500 lb pile of dogshit and attempting to transform them into a productive member of society. There’s a difference, howeverthe car played no part in its own destruction, whereas the fatties’ self-destruction is pointed, willful, and persistent. Quite frankly, I have no idea how I have come across these things, but one blog has stood out as a bulwark of nonsense amidst all of the moaning about the fatties on the Biggest Loser- the ridiculously titled “Dances With Fat”. This blog is the produce of a morbidly obese broad who champions the cause of “size acceptance” and rails against “fat discrimination”, two concepts that are as stupid as they are pointless. Fat acceptance, for instance, violates a deeply ingrained cultural response to the obese that all of the whining in the world isn’t going to resolve- the Western World’s distaste for obesity. There are three categories for social stigma, according to anthropologists and psychologists- tribal stigma, abominations of the body, and blemishes of physical character. Over the last half a century researchers have determined that obese people fall into the latter two categories, as they are considered “undesirable and physically unattractive”, and because their obesity is indicative of sloth and other moral failings in those around them (Carr). There is little evidence, however, to suggest that these stigmas manifest in actual discriminatory action- people are too scared of being perceived as discriminatory to act on their distaste for land whales (Carr). Instead, Carr argues, it is the Jabbas’ own self-loathing projected onto other people that leads them to believe that they are the victims of discrimination. They literally hate themselves so much that they (rightly) think everyone else should as well. “Size acceptance” is an equally pointless enterprise, as whining about how equal you are when all empirical evidence shows otherwise, and because heath care costs are rising due to the fact that the self-destructive lifestyles of homosapiens hippopotamus. It’s one thing to have to dodge their ridiculous mechanical conveyances in Wal-Mart because they’ve given up on walking and suffer behind them as they slowly trudge down an isle that they block completely with their bulk- it’s yet another to have to subsidize those things because they’re covered by Social Security and Medicare. No one will accept a person’s willful attempts to inconvenience those around them because they lack the self control in the baked goods isle necessary to keep themselves to a svelte 299 lbs. That said, the author of the website recently railed against the current, horrifyingly disgusting season of The Biggest Loser. For those of you who (blissfully) do not have that awful shit playing on the televisions in your gym nightly, this season has some of the whiniest fat kids you’ve ever seen making failed attempts to visually resemble their peers. Not a moment goes by without Page 23


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complaint or tears, and 30 seconds into each episode you want to drag those fat fuckers to death behind your car blasting “Good Vibrations” from the radio and chugging a protein shake. Never before have I been stronger in my resolve that we should just round up obese children and send created by their bulk), because if there’s anything worse than children, it’s whiny fat children in constant search of a Ring Ding while ostensibly well-intentioned people are trying to help them achieve their goals. That’s right, each of these fat fuckers has delivered a tearful missive describing the horrors of being left out of kickball because they can’t run, or the shame of getting stuck on the slide. The kids have explicitly stated that they want to lose weight, yet they bitch the entire goddamned time about the unfairness of having to diet and exercise. I don’t know about you guys, but when I was a kid, I didn’t need to “exercise”, because I was constantly playing. I ran everywhere, jumped off shit, rode my bike, and did the normal kid shit that keeps you from becoming a fat piece of shit. If anything, the show is a waste of time because those lazy little fuckers are incapable of enjoying physical activity. Rather than chain them to a treill, it’d be easier to drive them to the long-term lot at the airport in a stolen car, shoot them in the back of the head, and leave the car there to be discovered months later. No one will miss hearing those fucking kids cry, and we’ve saved ourselves the time and money of trying to resuscitate their fat asses when they keel over from a heart attack at age 30. Dick Talens, who apparently is someone people on Reddit care about, insists that it’s not a lack of willpower that’s keeping that winter coat of fat on the good people at your local buffet, it’s that ness” your goal is fucking retarded. In any event, he argues that The Biggest Loser is a terrible role model for the poor fat people of the world because it suggests that they should work really hard to achieve their goal, with the single-minded focus of a young Jeffrey Dahmer torturing his neighbor’s cat. Heaven’s no! Not hard work! Anything but hard work! What Talens fails to take into when making his positive loop is that the rewards must outweigh the costs for the fat slobs to become champions, and that’s often not going to happen. Giving up Oreos for some people is tantamount to the French Foreign Legion throwing down their weapons the second they entered the city limits of Camerone. We’re talking about people whose entire existence is based with the incremental progression they might get if they can avoid too many dietary indiscretions while doing something they hate (i.e. exercising). This, my friends, is because fatness is not caused by genetics, or environment, or bad parenting (unless the kid is very young). It’s from failure. A fat adult is a person whose life history is written on their body- they’ve failed. They’ve failed themselves, they’ve failed their sexual partners, they’ve failed their children... fuck, they even fail their pets, because those fat motherfuckers aren’t taking their pooches on a needed 2 mile walk. These are people who think “KFC Bowl” is a legitimate answer to the question “what’s for dinner?” They’re the people who think a 40 inch waisted pair Page 24


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of jeans isn’t a horrifying prospect and who haven’t seen their genitalia without the aid of a mirror in years. These, my friends, are unmitigated failures, and no amount of positive loops are going to reverse the damage their failure has wrought- they will push those failures uphill for eternity, giant sloppy, Sisyphean sacks of cellulite rather than boulders, up a hill paved with Oreos and dried tears. In summary, The Biggest Loser would only be acceptable entertainment if the contestants were constantly mocked and tormented with their favorite foods, all while the commentators for Most Exand cracked jokes at the contestants’ collective expense. Sadly, the show fails to for the inherent hilarity in fat people running and jumping, and focuses more on their incessant weeping and complaints. Since a Venn Diagram displaying the body types of the people featured on the TV show Hoarders and the people on The Biggest Loser would consist of a single circle, it might just be easier to drive around to their houses, shoot all of the occupants, and burn them to the ground. Either way, fat people should shut the fuck up about their fatness and suffer the miserable lives they’ve chosen to live in silence or fucking do something about their fatness, also silently, and not on television. As they likely will refuse to do so and claim they have one of the many genetic disorders they love to insist are the problem, I’ll just have to settle for mocking them in public and having a rage seizure every time Biggest Loser airs in the gym.

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disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don’t PALEOLITHIC DIETING: CAVEMEN HAD IT RIGHT As I mentioned earlier, and is mentioned in a study published in the journal and Physiology in 2003, skeletal remains show that paleolithic humans developed muscularity similar to today’s superior athletes (Eaton). On one hand, that’s pretty awesome because everyone back in the day was fucking jacked, but on the other hand, it sucks that most of humanity has devolved to the point where your average American looks like a shaved walrus and is as weak as a newborn kitten. In any event, the fact that these bad motherfuckers of yore probably looked a lot like turn of the century strongman Maxick is due to a combination of diet and exercise that is rarely emulated in the modern world. Though we could easily make a case for the degenerative effects of poor breeding habits in the Western World since the advent of Christianity and the development of modern medicine, both son behind their superhumanity is due to Paleolithic nutrition. In the early 20 Century, a roughand-tumble professor who apparently grew bored enough with the ease of daily life decided to roll up to snowy Eskimoland with no gear and live amongst the Eskimos while studying their culture. Whilst he lived amongst the people to which Canadians refer to as “snow monkeys”, “polar gooks”, and “ice beaners”, Vilhjalmar Stefansson ate nothing but meat, and found himself to be healthy as shit thereafter. When he returned triumphant and ripped to New York City with tales of his diet, everyone called him insane. Stefansson, then, decided to prove just how insane he was by embarking on a year-long clinical trial of the diet to prove that it would not ruin his health. Unsurprisingly to anyone who’s ever tried the diet, doctors concluded in 1929 that his all meat, high-fat diet was the shit, and so was Stefansson. Supergenius inventor of the geodesic dome, R. Buckminster Fuller, then decided there was some merit to the diet and expanded it to include some fruits and veggies, but little else (Audette). Later, a dentist from Ohio named Weston Price noticed that his patients’ teeth were becoming an ever-worsening shitstorm of cavities and dental caries. He started traveling all over the world and studying the teeth and diets of indigenous cultures, discovering that none of the problems he was seeing in Ohio were extant in cultures that abjured the conth

earning him the undying hatred of the Amerdentistry. As a result, the diet sat dormant for years, until the mainstream medical journals picked Page 26


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evolutionary medicine. For those of you unfamiliar with the term evolutionary medicine, proponents of it contend that during which time hunter-gatherers who ran around in loincloths, killing shit and eating it. Secondary adaptations occurred later, and were localized based on the available foodstuffs. For instance, people in the Subarctic and Central Asia evolved to eat very high fat and protein diets that contain little or no vegetable matter while others like the Indians of Central America and various peoples in Central Asia, adapted to higher carbohydrate, lower protein, and lower fat diets. Obviously, this all occurred after the Neolithic revolution, but as various foodstuffs were adopted as local favoreating patterns. Perhaps the most glaring examples of this phenomenon would be the ancestral Russian diet versus that of the Mediterranean, and the ancestral diets of the Masai, which are mainly animal products, and the Bantu, who are wholly vegetarian (Wharton, 281). Irrespective of where they were, Paleolithic people ate, on average, half the fat we currently eat, but three times the amount of protein in the modern diet. The fats they did eat were by and large polyunsaturated, but their cholesterol was much higher than ours (which lent itself to higher test levels, I’m sure). Addi(and much more potassium), two times as much calcium, tons of micronutrients, and 130-150 g of in controversy (Eaton, 6). to 42% protein, 26% fat, and 32% carbs, eating roughly 3000kcals a day (Ungar, 79). Modern hunter-gatherers have varied diets due to geographic limitations and the general availability of various types of food, but it generally comes down to 30-40% protein no matter where they live, save for a couple of vegan tribes in Africa, who manage to eke out an existence in a place that barely even has dirt, much less any food worth digging out of the ground. (Eaton, 373) The result, however, is that modern hunter-gatherers are strong little fuckers, ripped to pieces, and can outperform Western athletes in their indigenous athletic events. Ten Commandments of Paleo Dieting (as described by Ray Audette) Do Eat Don’t Eat •grains

•beans

•potatoes

•dairy

•sugar -

that with metabolic typing and carb cycling to spur greater gains in the gym, and the basis of my Page 27


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diet is undeniably Paleolithic. I have, however, a couple of caveats to traditional Paleolithic dieting as described by Ray Audette. One, this diet is a pain in the ass, as you can’t eat sandwiches. As which I tote to work with me in Tupperware. It transports easily and tastes good, but it gets old after awhile, just as turkey meatballs lose their luster after a month of eating nothing but. Neither of these is strictly Paleo, as they’ve been processed and generally contain something in the way of nitrates or nitrites to prevent spoilage. Audette also cautions against cheating, as he states that certain foods have a “drug-like effect” that may cause withdrawal symptoms. I personally think this is horseshit, and I religiously adhere to a program of one three to four hour cheat windows on Tuesday and Friday nights. Lastly, both Audette and Cordain counsel against eating tubers, which is odd, as Cordain stated in the that cooking arose at the same time that tubers came to prominence in the human diet. Modern hunter-gatherers eat a shitload of tubers, as did of today. As such, it’s tough to draw a comparison between the old and the new. Nevertheless, I see nothing wrong with a post-workout yam, or one in the morning on a high-carb day, and have used dried yams as a snack periodically throughout my adult life as an awesome snack when I’m not watching my carb intake too carefully. If you’re still unclear on what, exactly, Paleo dieting is, I’ll put it as simply as possible: back in the day, motherfuckers wandered around with spears and rocks, killing anything they could and eating every last morsel. With the advent of cooking, consumption of all foods became easier, as it reduced the amount of mastication necessary to swallow and digest the food. Still, humans only ate sional handful of berries thrown in for good measure. Each locality had its own distinctive selecIn a turn of events likely due to the advent of large settlements and cities in Mesopotamia and Turkey, people in the Mideast and Southeast Asia began eating a shitload of grasses, and planting them, which eventually resulted in modern rice and grains. This was apparently a necessity, as animal husbandry alone could not the populations increasingly crammed into small, wall-off spaces. When that occurred, people shrunk in stature, developed metabolic diseases that were at that time unknown, and generally fucked themselves right in the ass. Though most people know of the adage “those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it”, no one in our government has taken a close enough look at the history of humanity to recognize the fact that the consumption of grains and abandonment of a meat-heavy diet produces frail, sickly dwarves. Those of us with functioning brains, however, can use this as an object lesson and determine what not to eat, and why. Here’s the list: •Soy- For the love of all that’s holy, avoid this shit like the plague if you’re a non-Asian man. Asians might have adapted to eating that crap, but it’s sick, unhealthy, and downright unnatural for any non-Asian male to eat it. An unpublished study from Dr. Mike Fitzpatrick of New Zealand associates soy consumption with biological changes in the function of sex glands, thyroid, and central Page 28


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which blocks the uptake of calcium, zinc, and magnesium. Low zinc throws your copper levels out of whack, which in turn destroys your thyroid function. Formula with soy in it delivers more estrogen to the babies who consume it than is contained in 10 birth control pills! For the love of your test levels, avoid that shit.(Eaton, 79-81) •Beans in general- Many beans are extremely toxic if consumed raw (like soybeans and lima beans), while all others are inedible. All beans contain alkaloids that protect them from animals (lima beans contain high levels of cyanide), and fava beans contain 3 different toxins that cause favism in some people (even if cooked). (Wharton, 56) Even grean beans contain prussic acid, which is toxic in high levels. Thus, beans are bad, mmmmkay? Peanuts and cashews are beans, by the way, and cashews grow from a plant related to poison ivy, so they can be fatally toxic raw (it’s one of the most common plant-related calls to the Poison Control Center). •Tubers- Like I earlier, it’s well documented that hunter-gatherers and ancient hominids ate tubers. This might for the fact that the various paleo authors disagree on which tubers are ok to eat. Turnips are ok’d by Cordain, but poo-pooed by Audette, which is silly to me. Turnips are hardly high in carbs, but Audette forbids them, yet allows beets, which are basically a giant block of sugar. •Cornesophageal cancer. They are thus bad. (Wharton, 55) •Grains- Wheat, corn, rice, oats, barley, rye, and other seeds of grasses require milling and long cooking to be made edible. When ground, raw grain and water make paper mâché, and causes severe digestive distress in all primates. As such, it’s wise to avoid them. (Wharton, 54) Should this be something by which you badger those around you and on which you should base your entire existence? Likely not- dietary zealots are perhaps the most annoying people in a world separating “good” from “bad” foods, and gives an easy framework for any diet.

READ A FUCKING BOOK, ALREADY: The Paleo Solution by Robb Wolf Few facets of our daily lives are dominated so wholly by trends than dieting and nutrition. Diets seemingly go through rapid shifts in popularity throughout the years, and without question one of the biggest trends in nutrition today is the paleolithic/ancestral/caveman diet. I’ve blogged at on the subject, all of which seemed to be at odds with one another. Though all of them provided some manner of anecdotal evidence to their claims, and in some cases described the deleterious effects of certain modern foods on the body in some detail, none of them offered the comprehensive, heavily cited, and engaging and well written-but-denser-than-a-fucking-black hole Page 29


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Paleo Solution by Robb Wolf. Thus, I present to you what I consider to be the seminal work on paleolithic dieting. Short Synopsis Pros: • heavily cites archaeology, nutritional texts, and anecdotal evidence. • he explains that paleolithic man was healthier because of his lifestyle, not just due to food choices. gious excuse for people to whine like bitches and proselytize about their food choices. • his writing style is both intelligent and conversational, making it far easier to read than most nutritional texts, while providing ample for his suppositions. • he adapts the paleolithic lifestyle to that of modern man- i.e. he takes into people are going to party and their jobs consist of sitting around all day doing nothing, and explains how to work a paleo lifestyle into that. Cons: • the workout section’s more or less worthless- it’s designed for your average coach-potato shitbag, not people who have a vested interest in being awesome. • he fails to get into the wildly impressive physical feats of paleolithic man, outside of a short bit lifted pretty much directly from Manthropology. The John Holmes (i.e. Long) Treatment pretty short list of cons. I loved this book and ate it up. As such, I’ll give you guys some of the highlights from the book, and then you can read it for yourself: • He started out as a competitive athlete, then became a vegan because he (like I, which I thoroughly enjoyed) loved fucking dirty hippies. Though I’d never take it to that extreme, I appreciated the fact that he go so into veganism that he was seeking semi-spiritual advice from vegetarian gurus at one point. That story’s actually pretty amusing. • After he stared death right in the fucking eye due to his idiotic foray into herbavorism, he spat in the Grim Reaper’s face, got a degree in nutrition, and took a steaming shit on conventional nutritional wisdom, as any intelligent, free-thinking person should do as a matter of course. • He explains in great detail, the reasons why grains are particularly bad for you, but gives thing no other paleo writer has done. To sum up his stance against grains, all grains contain lectins and protease inhibitors, which means that giant protein molecules end up punching holes through your intestinal walls and contribute to a wide array of literally shitty GI problems after you eat them. • He describes in great detail the metabolism of carbohydrates and explains how its the virtually every medical problem plaguing modern humans on excessive carbohydrate consumption. Page 30


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the root of most prevalent diseases, including cancer. It contributes to cancer by blocking the natural process by which your body regulates growth of abnormal cells, by the way. • Though he glosses over the deleterious effects of legumes and dairy (presumably to prevent losing his readers by providing too much information, he gives some citations that offer answers to why those foods are also off the table, pun fucking intended. • He explains the negative effects of modern living on our cortisol levels, which contributes to a variety of metabolic problems. He pointed out a couple of stressors that wouldn’t immediately pop into one’s head, like having a healthy and rich social life. He also gives a decent, Paul Chek-esque explanation for how and why sleep is so important, which I found enlightening. • He gives the recipe for the infamous NorCal margarita, and explains why all of the included ingredients are there. Curious? The Infamous NorCal Margarita 2 shots of gold tequila Juice of 1 lime (the whole damn thing) Splash of soda water “ There is some chemistry behind the recommendations. The lime juice blunts insulin release and the CO2 bubbles in the soda water act as what’s called a “nonpolar solvent.” This actually lextracts the alcohol from the drink and delivers it to your system faster. Better living through chemistry!” (139) He goes on to mention that alcohol isn’t paleo, but au contraire, my friends- being the nerd I am, I have evidence that disproves this: studies of the Bertram palm show that it contains “alcohol concentrations in the nectar , and found that nectar inside the bud contained up to 3.8% alcohol (roughly equivalent to beer)”(Hodge). Finally, Wolf rounds out the book with a treatment on protein choices and a list of decent recipes. Think what you will about paleo dieting, but the shit seems to work, and Wolf ’s arguments supplans to purchase this book, you’ve failed at life. Get this book and caveman it the fuck up.

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“My depersonalization was so intense, had gone so deep, that the normal ability to feel comion had been eradicated, the victim of a slow, purposeful erasure. I was simply imitating reality, a rough resemblance of a human being, with only a dim corner of my mind func-

KETOGENIC DIETING Though the subject has been covered a million times by a million authors, no one resource seems to make available all of the information necessary to make an informed opinion about ketogenic dieting. As such, I felt that it was high time to break it down for you people in simple chapter and verse. I personally like ketogenic diets for a variety of reasons, but I don’t consider them to be the ue of metabolic typing in the coming week, so before you go off all half-cocked, wait for the entire story. Bear in mind that everyone’s biochemistry is remarkably different, and as such, you can’t simply look at some random motherfucker who’s physique you appreciate and think that his training and diet regime are going to work for you as they did for him. Random insane shit like Intermittent Fasting (Leangains), apparently works for some people, as does the Warrior Diet. I’ll review both of those diets at some point, if there’s any interest, but for not I’ll just hold them aloft as examples of shit that works for some people, but is CERTAINLY not ideal for all people. Likewise, Chaos and Pain is a training style that will suit some people incredibly well, and be abhorrent to others. What the Fuck is a Ketogenic Diet? A ketogenic diet is a diet wherein you consume few or no carbohydrates, so that your body begins utilizing ketones (the byproducts of fatty acid metabolism when carbs are not present), for energy. This typically occurs when your blood glucose levels are at or below 50 mg/dl. That’s 50 milligrams of glucose per deciliter of blood, for you fuckwits out there. In a ketogenic state (when there are more ketones than glucose in the blood), ketones are the primary fuel source. Low levels of blood glucose result in increased glucagon secretion, which causes catabolism of liver glycogen and can stimulate glucogenesis (the manufacture of glucose from not-glucose substances). Glucagon’s purpose is to stimulate the secretion of fat and liver glycogen breakdown, which aims to raise blood glucose concentration by increasing the release of glucose from the liver (Protman, 22). There’s Nothing New Under the Sun

Numerous cultures since time immemorial have followed low-or no-carbohydrate diets. Central Asian horse nomads, for instance, have typically subsisted on a diet of meat, mare’s milk, and animal blood since before recorded history. Likewise, the Inuit have subsisted and thrived on a diet Page 32


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ples did so simply as a matter of exigency- there was little or no edible foliage for them to cultivate or gather and eat. Instead, they subsisted and thrived on diets consisting of nothing but animal products, eating everything in an animal from the marrow to the intestines, and every fucking thing in between. Sound gross? Yeah, well, that’s what you do when there’s no Publix [Editor’s note: if you’re not in the South, replace Publix with Acme or Albertsons] within 500 miles. If you think your ancestors were reticent to adopt this sort of diet, think again- paleolithic people in England 12,000 years ago had a diet nearly identical to wolves and bears- nearly 100% carnivorous (Richards). Just as we lost knowledge of central heating, we forgot that meat-eating lends itself to high levels of awesome. Luckily, this diet was reintroduced to the west by the pioneer and general godsend William Banting, who published his “Letter on Corpulence” in 1863. Banting advocated a diet that had been recommended for epileptics for centuries, which consisted of four meals a day of nothing but meat, veggies, and dry wine. His diet was wildly popular throughout the 19th century, and was considered so revolutionary that his name actually became an adjective for a while. Banting’s work was expounded upon by James Henry Salisbury, M.D., the inventor of the Salisbury Steak, and a proponent of a diet consisting of two parts meat, one part veggies. His eponymous food, to aid in his fat loss after reading Banting’s work and recommended it be eaten three times a day. Later, Vilhjalmur Stefansson advocated the diet of the Eskimos, which as I stated earlier consists of nothing but meat. Building upon that diet was Richard Buckminster “Bucky” Fuller, who was most well known for his invention of the geodesic dome. Fuller applied his energy theories to diet as well and spent the remainder of his years following and espousing a meat-and-veggies style ketogenic/paleolithic diet. Robert Atkins later adopted this diet and popularized it in American culture the way Banting had in England, giving rise to the ever-popular yet perennially fucked-up Atkins diet. We’ve all seen those fat fucks eating ten lbs of burgers at McDonald’s who claim they’re on Atkins, yet remain fat as fuck and repulsive to the point that we question their humanity. Don’t- if they’re that fat, they’re no longer human, and should be treated as such. Feel free to feed them arsenic- they’ve already demonstrated that they’ll eating anything you put within their reach. Keto Dieting for Those Who Are Still Confused

There’s a bit of debate on what, exactly, constitutes a ketogenic diet. Dan Duchaine, considered by some to be “the most notorious expert in bodybuilding”, believed that a true ketogenic diet consisted of NO carbs, 30-35% protein, and 70-75% fat. He believed that the slightest introduction While I respect his Spartan approach to dieting, in the modern world it is both unrealistic and unreasonable. According to William Willey, author of Better Than Steroids, you can get away with up to 5% of your diet from carbs before you exit ketosis. Nevertheless, the name of the game is to eat as or fewer carbs a day will all but assure that you’re hitting ketosis. Whether you choose to go with 0 or 30 grams of carbs, Body Opus, the brainchild of Dan Duchaine, Page 33


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and the Keto run espoused by Warren Willey, consist of a roughly 7 day low-to-no carb period, in which your diet consists of 25-30% protein and 30-35% protein, for Duchaine and Willey respectively. To enhance the effectiveness of such a diet, or any diet, a 7-14 day period of uninterrupted ketogenic dieting might be necessary (Lavale, 51). Once you’re in ketosis, the diet works through “metabolic trickery”, as Duchaine put it. By starving your body of carbs, insulin secretion is reduced, and that causes your pancreas to produce glucagon, which supplies energy to the brain and converts fatty acids into ketones (Duchaine, 253). Those ketones then supply your body with the energy you need to get through your day The Icing on the Fucking Cake

It’s not hard on your kidneys, for one. Your family, your friends, and your coworkers will warn you of the alleged dangers of this diet. The basis for their warnings is jealousy- they know they lack the intestinal fortitude for such an extreme dietary methodology. They suck. Ignore them- science is on your side. Doctors will lambaste ketogenic diets for causing myriad deleterious effects, but I’ll cauahead of the game if he looked as good as the comic book nerd on the Simpsons. Asking an MD about diet is like asking your dog about astrophysics- you’re not getting a single useful thing out of the motherfucker. Doctors will decry keto diets for making the blood acidic, if they’re even familiar with blood pH, or they’ll claim they’re hard on the kidneys. Ketosis is only hard on the kidneys for sedentary people, as the ketones only make the blood acidic while they’re waiting to be burned (Duchaine, 254). As for the kidney statement, that’s patently absurd. On its face, it denies the theory of ontogenics, on which the majority of the theory of evolution is based. You might be wondering, at this point, how any of this shit pertains to you. Diet, after all, is just about eating the right shit, and every bodybuilding magazine on the planet spouts the same shit every fucking month, none of which includes massive bloody steaks dripping with grease- it’s all steamed chicken and broccoli and yams and blahdifucking blah blah blah. There are two different approaches to diet, however. There’s the thermodynamic approach, which is what bodybuilders and other assorted idiots use, which treats the body like a machine that rolled off a mass-production line, and balances input and output to arrive at a generalized “perfect” dietary plan. Who here is a cybernetic organism sent back in time to kill John Connor? Anybody? Exactly. You’re not a machine. I guarantee you, your basal metabolic rate is NOT what the myriad online calculators tell you it is, and that your metabolic equivalent of task calculation for a given activity is wildly different than your next door neighbor’s. Using those fucking calculators is fucking ridiculous. Do you honestly think that a 250 lb., hard charging, muscular motherfucker is burning the same number of calories as some elephantine broad who just heaved her fat ass out of her Lark scooter long enough to do the same activity as the aforementioned beast? If you do, you should probably head to the store and buy a frisbee with which to commit Seppuku, because you need to stop breathing, stat. Page 34


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This brings us to the second type of nutritional approach- chaotic. The chaotic theory addresses the complexity of the human organism, and the wild diversity that exists in individual human biology. This is the theory, obviously, to which I ascribe, and the one I think any rational thinking person would adopt. It is because I ascribe to this theory that I depart from Duchaine’s caloric restrictions. Caloric restriction is an integral part of Body Opus, and he recommends that you set your calorie levels before you even embark upon a regime of carbohydrate restriction and elimination. Given that one’s metabolism is changed so drastically during ketogenic dieting, I consider his methodolofucking bullshit. Studies have shown that low carb diets, calorie restricted or not, cause fat loss, and increase postprandial (post-meal. You learned a new word, fuckers!) thermogenesis by two times (Willey, 81; Cordain, 17). Additionally, the more protein you consume, the hotter your metabolism burns, as protein has 3x the thermic effect of carbohydrates or fat (Crovetti), and high protein diets have been shown to increase the metabolic cost of digestion by about 30% when compared with high fat diets. But what about all of the silly motherfuckers who claim we’re eating too much protein already? Generally, they’ve already demonstrated that they are dumb enough to be stripped of their right to an opinion by stating that the human body can only process 30-40g of protein at a time, a statement for which there is absolutely no clinical evidence, and a preponderance of anecdotal evidence (and just plain old fucking common sense) to the contrary. Beyond that, they’ll claim that too much protein is hard on your kidneys, which is patently untrue, given that there are multiple studies showing that kidneys easily adapt to high protein diets and function perfectly at the end of clinical trials of high protein diets (Skov), and that kidney function IMPROVES with increased protein consumption (Eades 138). This is called ontogenesis- your body has the ability, and really a biological modate both increased workload and increased protein consumption, and will perform better than you had ever dreamed it would simply by force of will, which extends even to the cellular level. What’s that mean to you? To get the absolute highest metabolic rate, your diet should be high protein and low-to-no carb. But the question is, what’s chaotic about that? Nothing. Sounds a lot like eating nothing but paleo all day long, which is hardly chaotic. Well, I’ve got another trick up my sleeve. Studies have shown that overeating after undereating leads to greater thermogenesis, an acceleration of anabolic processes, and a replenishment of glycogen reserves and intramuscular ishes your intra-muscular energy, so that your next Viking raid will go swimmingly. Additionally, a 2003 study at Johns Hopkins showed that intermittent fasting (a day of fasting followed by a day of overeating 2x the amount of daily calories) led to an increased life span, reversal of diabetes, and increased resistance to brain damage (Audette, 47). Before you people jump to conclusions, I’ll become an intermittent faster when the apocalypse comes and food becomes scare. Until then, I’ll let that remain the purview of Swedish people with Page 35


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a fetish for starving themselves. It does, however, lend credence to the idea that cycling your calories might be a good idea. So, where does this lead us? • keep your protein insanely high at all times • rotate your caloric levels • keto runs are your friend That, my friends, ends up being some chaotic shit. It’s also the basis for the Chaos and Pain style of dieting.

KETO DIETS: Vince Gironda says: “Fuck you, Carbos. You can suck my dick. You can’t get me, Carbos, because you’re just In the information age, more than ever, it seems extremely common for trends in what es for rational and intelligent thought and discourse to emerge wherein a particular opinion is held aloft as unassailable truth. For whatever reason, one of the most insidious and pervasive of these opinions in nutritional circles seems to be one that presents ketogenic diets as catabolic and useless for strength athletes. Simply put for the new jacks in the audience, this means they believe that ketogenic diets will cause you to lose muscle mass faster than an AIDS patient in a Somali slum. This, however, is simply not the casein fact, the polar opposite is true. In fact, catabolism is blunted as the body metabolizes ketones for energy during a ketogenic diet. I realize it’s a popular notion that I’m some sort of genetic freak who thrives on a diet that would kill a lesser man. True, I am awesome, and true, most of the shit I do on a daily basis would kill lesser men, but I’m hardly a genetic anomaly in regards to the ketogenic diet. A study conducted at the University of Connecticut in the early part of the last decade showed that thyroid function gain occurred- all of the participants had extraordinarily positive recomposition in a short period of time, and they accomplished this in spite of being fatties and saddies. If fatties and saddies can lose an average of 7 lbs of body fat and gain 2 lbs of muscle in a six week period, I’d think that the average techno-death metal-Viking Hooligan would thrive on it. Dave Palumbo certainly did- at his best, he squatted 800 for four and deadlifted 600 for 8, which is pretty fucking impressive for a guy

while I torture metaphors like they’re Chechen teenagers in the greater Boston metropolitan area: • ketosis is protein sparing, which means your body will not metabolize protein for fuel at any point in your day, provided you’re eating enough fat. Your body will actually learn to love burning ketones for energy more than the Japanese love tentacle rape and your protein synthesis will dramatically increase (Nair, Harber, Kadowaki). Page 36


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• IGF-1 levels will raise like a true Belieber’s current interest in shitty tattoos and girlish haircuts due to your body’s low levels of insulin, which in turn will lead to greater hypertrophy (Harber). • ketosis allows your body to utilize stored bodyfat for energy because of the aforementioned low insulin levels, and insulin blocks stored fat utilization like a fat girl cockblocking at a bar. • ketosis suppresses your body’s release of ghrelin, which means you will be less hungry on a ketogenic diet than you’d otherwise be. This is particularly useful for the aforementioned saddies and fatties, who often have Charley Sheen-esque impulse-control issues when it comes to • ketosis may make you smarterthan glucose (Amerman, but for a ridiculously complex explanation, go here and skip to the paragraph beginning with “We will use Alzheimers”). • recovery will occur quickly and wounds will heal like you’ve got a hirsute, irascible, pocket-sized Uncle Logan (Nishira). • ketosis turns your body becomes a furnace that would be the envy of every man named Goering in 1940s , as you burn fat simply by breathing and pissing (Perez-Guisado). • for those of you amusingly concerned with the effects of dietary salt in your diet (and there appear to a be lot of you people living in 1982 in that way), high protein diets seem to counteract the negative effects of high sodium intakes and lowers blood pressure (Debry). As ketogenic diets are almost necessarily high protein, you’re safe from an exploding heart on the ketogenic diet as well. Sounds pretty fucking awesome, doesn’t it? Quite frankly, it is- I’ve been on a cyclical ketogenic diet for going on three years and have gotten continually stronger and leaner. I’m not the only one who thinks this diet is the tits, either- one paper from the University of Cordoba (Spain) stated that pressure and decrease resistance to insulin with an improvement in blood levels of glucose and ketosis is not associated with metabolic acidosis, nor do such diets alter kidney, liver or heart functions”(Perez-Guisado).

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Keto doesn’t appear to be hurting my gainz- weighing in at 195, carb depleted. That’s all well and good for the average saddie, you might be thinking, but it’s got fuck-all to do with athletes and strength athletes in particular. There’s a reason for that- there have been almost no studies on the effects of ketogenic dieting on resistance training. I was able to hunt down a single study on the subject, but it’s not particularly relevant to the issue at hand, as it studied the effect of resistance training on obese, middle-aged women on the ketogenic diet. We’re about as dissimilar to that sample group as toasters are from Transformers, so there’s no point even delving into that one. Nevertheless, anecdotal evidence shows that ketogenic diets, in their myriad forms, have worked pretty fucking well over the last few decllenium for hominids. As I believe I’ve not ever done so, it seems useful to outline for you guys exactly what ketogenic dieting is, and what forms it can take. A ketogenic diet is a diet in which a person consumes so few carbohydrates that their body beings breaking fat down into fatty acids and ketones for use as • SKD (Standard Ketogenic Diet) – This is the diet of which most people traditionally think when they hear the words “keto diet”. Developed in the West by an undertaker named Banting in the 19th Century, it was resurrected as the Atkins diet in the US in the 20th Century. Amusingly, the peoples of the Arctic Circle have been eating this way forever and haven’t known they were dieting at all. In any event, on a traditional ketogenic diet you simply keep your carbs at a certain low • CKD (Cyclical Ketogenic Diet) – Cyclical keto diets are my personal favorite, and that’s what my Apex Predator Diet is. On a cyclical keto diet you rotate between ultra low carb and high carb days and in a less common fasion, rotate between low and high carb periods every day. • TKD (Targeted Ketogenic Diet) – Targeted keto diets are diets in which one eats exthese types of diets in my Apex Predator Diet For Italians And Athletes entry and noted that there is a difference of opinion by noted authors on when best to consume the carbs, but they’re generally consumed either immediately before or after a workout. Page 38


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Clearly, I’m the biggest fan of the CKD, as that’s what I’ve been on for years. I monkeyed with the TKD a bit in the past, but I never liked the idea of eating high fat and then spiking my insulin, so I never ate high enough fat to really have called it a particularly ketogenic diet. It was more of a the traditional cyclical ketogenic diet for myself (i.e. the Apex Predator Diet), but thought it might be prudent to share with you a few of the tricks, hacks, and cheats I’ve developed along the way to make the diet work even better. Thus, without any further adieu: • Protein is your primary concern at every meal. I’ve seen nonstop gibbering out of people whose opinions would best be left alone in their empty heads about the value of coconut oil online, and it’s ridiculous. One douche actually asserted that his diet of naught but eggs and coconut oil was one to follow, which I found as fascinating as I found it absurd. You are not eating unless you’re getting upwards of 40 grams of protein. Less than that isn’t a meal and can barely be construed as a snack. Cheat meals should start with protein and be followed by shakes- I always kick mine off with some kind of meat, be it hamburgers, wings, nuggets, or a meat-lover’s pizza. The more protein you consume, the greater the thermic effect of your meal and the better you will look and feel overall. • Get at least two grams of protein per pound of bodyweight per day. Chicks can get by with a gram to a gram and a half- apparently more than that fucks with their hormone levels. The mysteries of the vagina aside, no man is truly eating for strength if he’s consuming less than two grams of protein per pound of bodyweight per day. • Take a break every once in a while. That’s not to say you should adopt the asinine practice utilized by people who follow a “periodization” routine wherein they take one week per month off from lifting. Every now and again, though, it’s good for your mind and body to stop giving a shit so much about your diet. I realize that sounds fairly ridiculous for a guy who’s essentially been on a diet for three straight years, but I do actually take a couple days to a week off from my diet after meets, and take a week or so off from my diet over the holidays as well. I don’t go nuts eating garbage, but I don’t eat super-strict or super clean. Instead, I keep my protein levels very high and ly sugary foods. Thus, when I am REALLY off my diet, the worst thing on which I’m generally snacking is Cinnamon Life, unless it’s Thanksgiving Day or Christmas, when I’ll eat desserts. Eating sugary shit will make you fat. It’s science. • Modify your total food intake to match your activity level. This does not mean you should count calories, which is pointless even off a keto diet by truly worthless on one. Instead, you should be eating more if you’re training harder, longer, or heavier, and less if you’re training lighter. • Do not skip your carbups. Skipping your carbups might have a small effect on fat loss to function, and depriving them of that glycogen will force you to train lighter, which defeats the and no one gives a fuck if you’re strong and you’re fat. The goal is to be strong as fuck and ripped to the bone, so you need to do your refeeds if you’re keeping your carbs under 30 grams a day 5-6 Page 39


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days a week. • Experiment. Once you get your bodyfat to a manageable level, feel free to experiment. I’ve tried supplementing with BCAAs post workout, and I think that post-workout BCAAs with additional leucine are a tremendously good idea, since leucine uptake and utilization is higher when in ketosis. Try utilizing insulin modulating supplements like cinnamon and chromium to see if they accelerate fat loss. ProSupps has a new product out called iLoad that looks to be good in that regard. Mix up days wherein you have multiple food meals and days wherein you only eat solid food once or twice if you’re doing the Apex Predator Diet. CKDs work and work well for powerlifting, no matter what the message board know-nothings might assert to the contrary- I’m living proof, and science has my motherfuckin’ back. Eat like a beast if you want to lift like one.

MY SECRET DIET FOOD: You’ll Never Guess It, And It Fucking Rules. I have tried many, many diets over the years. In college, as a wrestler, I stuck with an ultra-low fat, fairly high carb diet for nearly two years, eating almost nothing but turkey lunch meat, lettuce, and bagels (obviously, I was eating a lot of bagel sandwiches). After waking one night starving to death and craving sausage biscuits like a lunatic, I made a drastic switch to the Atkins diet. Due to the fact that I didn’t research it all that well, it didn’t quite have the effect I would have liked. I did enjoy my couple of months of eating nothing but sausage patties and hamburgers, at least until I awoke in a massive amount of pain, constipated as all hell, feeling the cumulative effects of two months of and in spite of 5 or 6 days a week of lifting and running, and wrestling hard 6 months out of the year, I was not “ripped”. Sure, I was muscular (for a guy who wrestled 134 lbs), and fairly lean, I was not the stack of brutally lean and vascular muscle that I am now. From there, I moved to Tucson, where I started eating steamed chicken and broccoli for three meals a day, doused in the manna of the gods, Sriracha sauce. This meal was accompanied by at least a full cup of white rice, which I usually faced after drowning it in Sriracha, and then followed it up with a couple of protein shakes a day (at the time, I made my own chocolate shakes using weight up to around 170, and was pretty lean, but the white rice kept me from getting much leaner. I mixed in the occasional hoagie as well, in addition to chicken soft tacos from Del Taco. Del Taco fucking rules, FYI, although every single one of their restaurants is a fucking shithole. After trying the Chipotle diet for a few years (grilled chicken and white rice from the restaurant Chipotle, 3-5 times a day), which put a few more pounds of muscle on me, and the chicken soup diet (which I’ll outline in another post, mostly for the ladies), I discovered Metabolic Typing, found Page 40


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that I’m a meat type, and started doing occasional keto runs (a period of time in which you keep your daily carbs below 5% of your daily intake) in conjunction with carb cycling. The carb cycling, another thing I’ll outline in a later post, basically boils down to a couple a days of keto dieting, a couple of days of medium carbs, and a couple of days of high carbing it (typically on the days I have a cheat window).

So, for the secret: drum roll please... CHICKEN WINGS. This is not a joke. I can attribute the veins on my abs DIRECTLY to my massive consumption of unbreaded chicken wings. Allow me to tell you why.

Wings have the perfect macronutrient ratio for low carbing it. 60% of the calories in wings come from fat, and almost all of the remainder come from protein. Thus, when you combine a couple (or few) pounds of wings a day with a couple of protein shakes, you end up with a macronutrient breakdown that’s split almost exactly down the middle between protein and fat. Thus, wings pretty much the ideal macronutrient ratio for low-carbing. Most diet gurus suggest a ratio along the lines of 55-70% fat, 5% carbs, and the remainder of your caloric intake to come from protein, and that’s the breakdown with which you’ll end up if you allow wings to become the (awesome) cornerstone to your diet.

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“I feel I’m moving toward as well as away from something, and anyMETABOLIC TYPING Metabolic Typing Gets in the Mix, Finally

This image lays out my dietary methodology in simple chapter and verse. The basis of the whole philosophy is paleolithic nutrition. Paleolithic people, however, had widely varied diets, depending That’s where the rest of the CnP nutritional considerations come in. Roger Williams, the father of the modern concept of Biochemical Individuality, claimed that “every individual organism that has a distinctive genetic background has a distinctive nutritional need which must be met for optimal well-being” (Williams, 190). The American Medical Association, supplement companies, and your doctors will have you believe differently- we’re all exactly the same organic machines propelled through life utilizing the exact same nutritional regimen, and requiring precisely the same fuel for our biological power plants. Until recently, most in the scibelieving instead that a Centrum was nutritional overkill, and that every single person on Earth Page 42


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needed a precise 60-30-10 ratio of carbohydrates, protein, and fat to achieve optimal health. If philosopher Lucretius, who was a student of Epicurus (the founder of the eponymous school of philosophy based on the belief that pleasure is the chief good in life), stated 2300 years ago that there was a single diet that would serve every athlete best, then, the Romans proved once more that they were far more reasonable, rational, and introspective men than “scientists” of a modern age, most of whom seem content to ape their colleagues and follow the status quo. Their funding, after all, comes from a government whose commitment to dietary suicide and concomitant economic growth, and anything that contradicts the government’s stated plan for economic growth is essentially an effort to “bite the hand that feeds.” Thus, practitioners of modern medicine have actually regressed in their understanding of human nutrition, much like the astronomers’ adoption of geocentrism and abandonment of heliocentrism in the Dark Ages. Super fucking sweet, right? When it comes to the issue of nutrition, most people in the medical science and nutrition communities are like mongoloids with horse blinders on- about as useful for advice in the extreme strength athletics community as the fat bitch from the movie Precious. Their argument, at its core, would seem to be at least partly right- deep down, we’re fundamentally the same biological organism and all share similar nervous, endocrine, and hormone delivery syswe’re all remarkably different thereafter. What similarities do you share with Gabriele Sidibe? I hope not many... that bitch is barely even a human being. If you have trouble taking a lap around a McDonalds without sitting down for a break, you’re in need of a hot lead diet, because there’s nothing as slimming as rotting in a gigantic, unmarked grave. Getting back to the point at hand, though, paleolithic nutrition is still the basis of any sane dietary prescription due to the fact that the human genome has changed less that .02% in the last 40,000 years.(PD 9) In the grand scheme of things, that seems unimportant, as homo sapiens have been around for around a million years. They, however, didn’t diverge from Neanderthals, who were almost exclusively carnivorous, until around 250,000-500,000 years ago, however. That means that as recently as 250,000 years ago, European humans were as carnivorous as tigers. Cro-magnons, who sort of bridged the physical gap between Neanderthals and homo sapiens sapiens didn’t even arise until 36,000 years ago, so the fact that we’ve only had a deviation of .02% of our genetic code since humans, then, it would stand to reason we share many of the same dietary requirements as our pre-modern ancestors. There’s more to our dietary requirements, however, than simply genetics. Far from a static construct, change within our genetic code can occur within a generation due to ontogenic biological alterations. Blending inheritable traits between populations constantly introduces new variants to a gene pool (Slatkin, 2), as do utero conditions (temp, water, O2 supply), which leads to a wholly Page 43


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different biological makeup and subsequent nutritional requirements than preceding generations. If I’ve lost you, let me sum up- a combination of heredity and environment that create vast biologrequirements.

METABOLIC TYPING PART 1.5: If You Need a Little More Convincing In spite of the fact that my argument for metabolic typing is to this point pretty much iron-clad, I’m certain there remain many skeptics in regards to the idea that people of different racial/ethnic phenotypes are biologically varied enough to justify markedly different diets. That’s fairly understandable given the fact that the most popular of these types of diets are wholly discredited and only championed by housewives with less understanding of the human body than tapeworms likely have (the Blood Type Diet of the early 2000s springs immediately to mind). For those of you who remain skeptical, consider this- natural selection, as an educated person knows, is a phenomenon in nature in which the mean phenotype of a given species moves a fraction of the way towards the lo-

that a person’s ethnic diet would rely solely on the area from which his ancestors came and the which those people lived would also exert a profound effect upon that ethnicities’ biological makeup as well. Thus, not only would they develop a pronounced increase in the ability to digest lean meats if they lived in a rocky, mountainous area like the Caucasus, where goats might be a prevalent source of calories, but the people living there and hunting those goats would develop greater lung capacity and ability to metabolize oxygen, due to the altitude in which they lived. Their physiques would then change over time, both ontogenetically and genetically, to facilitate success in these regions, because the most successful hunters would thrive while the least successful would exit the gene pool. As such, the development of traditional diets and activity levels, sports, breeding patterns, and either social / genetic isolation or interbreeding, that certain ethnicities developed a genetic predisposition to certain types of exercise- the Kalenjin of Kenya became the world’s most dominant runners due to a long and storied tradition of running great distances at high altitudes, while the Norse and Germans (described throughout ancient texts about the Germanic tribes as ‘immense’ and ‘strong’) developed world-famous size and strength (Eades, 171-172, 181). As you can imagine, these traditional diets and lifestyles would continually reinforce themselves, creating a distinct biological phenotype for that ethnicity. It’s not just the placement of their organs or the levels of bodyweight, would also emerge, which would then create in that phenotype a distinct biological nutritive need. Page 44


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In regards to the latter argument, the human body is comprised of two major types of muscle tract, have an abundance of mitochondria and are surrounded by capillaries to bring in nutrients viously, would be the type associate with strength, contracting and relaxing faster, having higher glycolytic activity (that means greater use of muscle glycogen, and greater stores thereof, for the slow ones), greater phosphagen stores, and fewer capillaries (Ivy, 151). No matter what the initial ability to perform according to the way they’re trained. Training aerobically, like the Kalenjin, in-

crazy-ass log running Xavante Indians in Brazil good at running long distances carrying 200 lb logs. Westerners, however, suck shit at that sport, because we haven’t developed a genetic adaptation to competitions of that kind or trained to develop it ontogenically. You can see, then, how traditional physical activity would impart demands on the physiques would place on a phenotype’s respective metabolisms would be altered even further. It is this combination- dietary availability, traditional recreational activities, traditional work activities, and basic environment- that creates the basis on which metabolic types have arisen. It’s because we no longer stick to our traditional stomping grounds, due to displacement and migration owing to the general shittiness of modern life, that have left us utterly confused as to how to eat. Well, that and ridiculous subsidies by the asshole peddlers of shit we shouldn’t eat, like corn, the makers of Twinkies, and all of the other evil motherfuckers that comprise multinational corporations worldwide.

METABOLIC TYPING, PARTE DVAH: A Brief History of Metabolic Typing Metabolic typing systems have existed about as long as an organized practice of medicine has. Given the fact that prehistoric peoples practiced such detailed and systematic medical treatments as trepanation (there’s evidence that prehistoric peoples bored holes in peoples’ heads to treat anything from mental illness to head trauma in cave paintings and the fossil record) and acupuncture (Otzi the Iceman was covered in tattoos, many of which corresponded with traditional acupuncture points for treating the arthritis with which he appeared to have), it stands to reason that systems choices were also extant. According to the historical record, metabolic typing began with the Indians and Chinese, who are essentially the only two peoples worldwide whose traditional medicines have remained unfucked by modern medicine. Frankly, I don’t put much stock in either system, but this is where the whole shitterree starts, so this is where we shall begin.

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type. There appears to be no real consensus on the types, but as nearly as I can tell, here are the basics (Constitution, Diets): 1. Hot (Yang abundance) Picture the quintessential Scot, Irishman, or Scandinavian and you’ve got a good idea of what a hot type is like. They’ve got sturdy bodies, often feel hot, experience dryness of the mouth, prefer cold drinks when thirsty, have a reddish complexion, are easily annoyed, and tend to suffer from insomnia. Though I’d contend that this would be entirely contingent upon their level of hydration, practitioners of Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) claim that they usually discharge scanty urine of a dark color and have hard stools. If you were so inclined to inspect ing, or may have no coating at all. As you’d expect, these guys are very sensitive to high temperatures. 2. Cold (Yin abundance) Individuals have a frail body. They usually feel cold, have an aversion to wind, and their limbs are cold. I would assume, then, that 95% of all women would then fall into this category. They prefer hot or warm food and drinks, are reluctant to speak, get easily tired and have a pale or whitish complexion. They usually discharge clear urine frequently, stools are soft, and tend to suffer from diarrhea easily. Upon examination of the tongue, it appears pink and bulky with a whitish coating. Such individuals are very sensitive to cold temperatures. 3. Dry (Qi abundance?) According to TCM, individuals belonging to this constitution feel thirsty easily and experience dryness in the eyes, throat, lips and skin. As such, they’re usually chartime shitting, all of which is apparently due to lack of lubrication. Any guys’s worst date, in shortthe blowjobs are going to suck, and sex would probably feel like masturbating with extra coarse sandpaper on top of an Ethiopian corpse in late-stage rigor mortis. Finally, they are very sensitive to low levels of humidity, as corpses are wont to be. In short, fellas, if some Chinese woman tells you your broad is a dry type, it might be time to move on to the next one unless you’re sponsored by a lube company and your oral skills are tighter than a born-again Christian chick’s asshole at the AVN awards. 4. Damp dler” or “Chester the Molester” type, these people prefer sweet food, likely due to its utility into luring small children into vans with blacked-out windows. They experience heaviness in the body, dizziness, and tire easily, look fatigued and sleepy in day time, and snore easily during sleep. Unsurprisingly, these sweaty-palmed saddies have a low metabolic rate, tend to become overweight or bloated due to retention of water, and lack energy unless in the presence of an elementary school playground. Discontented with the level of horror they’ve already displayed, these fatties also boast moist and bulky tongues covered with a greasy coating. According to the Chinese, these guys are very sensitive to damp weather, but I’d posit they’d brave it to watch a grade-school kickball game or attend a NAMBLA meeting. 5. Neutral ciency thereof, but I’ve neither the time nor the interest in determining how it works exactly. Skipping that, then, we’ll move on to what happens once an individual’s type is determined. According to Dr. Henry Lu, “The individual’s balanced diet, therefore, is always a mixture of foods with Page 46


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better, and therefore lend themselves better to assimilation. “Flavors can be pungent, sweet, sour, bitter, and salty. Inherent energies are cold, hot, warm, cool, and neutral, and are food qualities quite apart from the temperature of the food. Food movement includes outward, inward, upward, downward, glossy, and obstructive. For a person vomiting, a food with a downward movement might be recommended. A patient with a runny nose might solve that problem with an obstructive food. Pain with an inguinal hernia might be relieved with an upward food” (Diets) Slurpees, Not Casinos The Indian Metabolic types are somewhat simpler to discern. Ayurvedic medicine divides people into three distinct types (doshas), and each individual is comprised of varying degrees of the three types. Ideally, you’d like to have 33% of each to have a balanced internal system, but most people have a dominant type, for which they must compensate with diet in order to achieve optimal health. ate seven subsets of the 3 doshas. They are (Constitution, Diets, Dosha, Wharton): • Vata (Ether/Space and Air) People with more Vata in their constitutions tend to be thin, with a slender frame and prominent ts, delicate skin that is naturally dry, and dry voluminous hair. They are quick and lively in thought, speech and action, and make friends easily. There is an element of airiness to their step, a quality of lightness in their laughter. Change is usually their second name. They are light sleepers and gravitate towards warm environments. Creativity and enthusiasm are hallmarks of balanced Vata. • Pitta (Fire and Water) People with more Pitta in their constitutions tend to be of medium proportions, with a frame that is neither petite nor heavy, warm skin that is very fair or ruddy and and determined in thought, speech and action. There is an element of purpose to their step, an intensity to their voice. Ambition is usually their second name. They are moderate sleepers and of balanced Pitta. • Kapha (Water and Earth) People with more Kapha in their constitutions tend to be of larger proportions, with a robust frame and padded ts, thick smooth skin that may tend towards oiliness, and rich, wavy hair. They are stable and calm in thought, speech and action, and are easy-going and ive in relationships. There is an element of steadiness to their step, a quality of serenity in their smile. Loyalty is usually their second name. They are long, heavy sleepers and uncomfortable in damp, clammy environments. Calm and sweetness of disposition are hallmarks of balanced Kapha. • Vata - Pitta (combination of Vata and Pitta doshas) • Vata - Kapha (combination of Vata and Kapha doshas) • Pitta - Kapha (combination of Pitta and Kapha doshas) Page 47


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• Vata - Pitta - Kapha (combination of all 3 doshas in balance) Just as it is in TCM, food in Ayurveda is divided into 6 tastes (neutral, sour, salty, pungent, bitter, astringent), which are thought to have varying effects on individual’s types. There is a diet for each of the 3 basic types, while the combined metabolic types will use parts of several different diets. Avurvedic medicine takes it a step further than Chinese medicine, though, in that it dictates the manner in which one should eat, sleep, drink, exercise, and live based on your unique combination of the three doshas. A bit much, in my opinion, and I’m not really in the habit taking medical advice from a group of people who wash, shit, and bury their dead in the same river from which they draw their drinking water. In the event that you are, though, take any of the Ayurvedic Typing tests (Vata: 3 Pitta: 5 Kapha: 2)- had I gotten Kapha out of the fucking thing, I’d tell you to avoid the whole thing altogether, but check it out if you’ve got some time to kill. For more information on that shit, you can check out the Ayurbalance site I posted in the bibliography. And for the love of 8 lb, 6 oz., tiny baby Jesus, don’t give Matt Furey a fucking cent- if you want info on Indian training techniques, club bells, or diet, go here ( ) for free e-texts, which I guarantee you is the source of that fucker’s training “secrets”. Gyros and Baklava The Greeks also formulated a metabolic typing system they used in the treatment of mental and physical disease based on what they called “the four humors”. This system was established around 500 BC with a great deal of input from Hippocrates and persisted until well into the Middle Ages. The crux of the system revolves around on four liquids common in the body, all of which are the source of all of the major health problems found in your average human. Though it seems simplistic in retrospect, it bears mentioning that the Greeks regularly discarded babies with visible health defects, a practice which eliminated most of the extreme health problems a person might develop later in life. In any event, Hippocrates’s theories became known as “humorism “ or “humoralism” and basically stated that everyone has all four humors, though the imbalance of one relative to the others (which he called “dyscrasia”) is the root of sickness. Each of these humors was believed to be associated with one of the four elements which, when combined in various proportions, make up all things: • Blood- This humor was interestingly not associated with the heart, but rather with the liver and with air, which like blood is a hot and moist element. A person in whom blood predominates was then expected to be staid and optimistic, or “sanguine,” from the Latin “sanguis” (blood). Natural follower, blood types were thought to be composed, chill bros who adjust easily to change, prefer informality, and are generally feckless hippies. Naturally, the Greeks were not overawed with the value of your average stoner to society, and thus generally held these Harold and Kumar-esque motherfuckers in disdain. • Yellow Bile this humor was associated with neither mouths nor penises. Instead, yellow bile was associated

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zero fucks about consequences, have a hair trigger, and bear all of the markers of that one friend with who you love to hang out but who’s almost always getting you into altercations that end with a collect call to your girlfriend to post bail. Described by the Greeks as “choleric,” they’re impulsive, touchy, hypocritical, prideful, angry sonsofbitches. • Black Bile- Known in every Warhammer book as the most ubiquitous word ever used, ichor is associated with the gall bladder and with Earth, which is the cold and dry element. Your typical goth or whiney emo bitch, these saddies are said to be “melancholic,” from the Greek “melas” (black) and “khole” (bile). Comprised of every horrifyingly unpleasant characteristic you could possibly wedge into a human being, these Nick Cave-loving sad sacks are sensitive, intuitive, self-conscious, touchy, fussy, introspective, moody loners who are generally depressed fatties who write poetry to chicks they have no hope of ever banging. • Phlegm- As you might have already guessed, this is where we get the word “phlegmatic,” from the Greek “phlegmatikos” (abounding in phlegm). Phlegm is equally unsurprisingly associated with the lungs and brain and with water, which is the cold and moist element. Phlegmatics are generally peaceniks in the biblical manner- they’re quiet and keep to themselves and generally have little impact on the world at large, for better or worse. According to a weirdly Catholic website that provided the most in-depth examination of this pre-Christian medical system, “Humorism greatly affected medieval cuisine as cooks endeavored to es or prepared with wine, which was also considered hot and dry; game was considered to be dry, so was prepared in moist fats; vinegar was considered cold and dry, so was tempered with honey, which was considered hot and moist, etc. The goal in cooking for the ill, however, wasn’t “a balanced diet,” but a diet that would counteract the effects of the humor causing the illness. Worth cation as hot or cold, dry or moist; it is its inherent quality and its effects on the body. The degrees of hotness/coldness and dryness/moistness were often rated on a scale of 1 to 4, with 4 being the highest. Humorist theory also affected cooking techniques: dry foods were boiled instead of roasted, moist foods were baked instead of boiled, and so on” (Temperments). As you can see, all of these traditional systems share a decent amount in common, which means one of two things- either they all independently arrived at similar conclusions, making them at least somewhat valid systems of thought, or that they all arose out of an earlier universal system that coexisted with the pre-Chinese acupuncture techniques of the Neolithic era. Either way, the fact that all three systems persisted for thousands of years lends a bit of credence for them, and provides a fairly solid basis upon which modern methods of metabolic typing were formulated.

MODERN METABOLIC TYPING: No trip to the grocery store would really be complete without the visual assault of few ambiguously brown, giant-assed trannies lauded as women by gossip rags bearing the name “Kardashian”. Not Page 49


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only have those idiots done more to set back Western anti-woman-beating sentiment than would a looped clip of Rosie Perez saying anything at all played at high volumes in every city center 24 hours a day for years on end, but they’ve somehow managed to trick the females of the Western world into thinking they should give two fucks about those vapid, gold-digging shitbirds. Mind you, I don’t care that those gigantic trannies continue to try to as women- I’ve nothing against trannies. We’ve all gotten drunk enough to make one or two mistakes in that regard in our lives, and after 30 agonizing minutes wondering what in the fuck this means in the grand scheme of your life, you realize that making out with a dude dressed as a particularly hot woman is likely far less embarrassing than the time you banged a fat girl on a charter bus in front of your entire grad school class. I, however would not have been fooled by a seven foot tall t-girl built like a professional bouncer and bearing a chin and jawline that make Jay Leno look like Prince Edward, and have no idea why American women are. er to do with metabolic typing, but if you think about it, it makes a certain kind of sick sense. The Kardashians are perhaps the best example of something so wholly devoid of utility that its exispersist for no reason any rational person could possibly discern. The metabolic typing diet, however, is not one of those fad diets. Instead, the metabolic typing diet carries forth a very long-standing system of beliefs held the world around about how one should optimize their diet to maximize

few different typing diets, none of which are necessary to detail but about which you can read in Charles Heizer Wharton, PhD’s book Metabolic Man should you so choose. As should surprise none of you, none of the many metabolic typing authors seem to agree on much of anything, other than the fact that there are differing metabolic types and that each person is uniquely placed on a bell curve between the types- while one glandular type is invariably dominant, it’s exceedingly rare tion of a metabolic type harder, rather than easier. If it seems at this point that I’m heading in the direction of “fuck this shit”, it’s because I am. Whenever anyone has to make a litany of qualifying statements for any given theory that takes up the majority of the book, it’s because their theory is shit to begin with. I think, however, that the idea has merit in spite of the innumerable caveats offered up by the authors, all of whom seem

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ter for all of us if we just shot that fucker, burned their house to the ground, and sowed their land with salt to ensure that nothing so useless will grow to take the place of the worthless cocksucker behavior was stamped out in the middle of the last century when people became distracted with Meandering back to the subject at hand, don’t allow yourself to be distracted by the caveats and homages to possibly non-existent diseases and health problems. Instead, let’s focus on the positive, for once. We have all witnessed or experienced a scenario that should prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the idea of metabolic typing has a least a modicum of merit. Perhaps you’ve seen the random person who actually got fatter on a ketogenic diet, or you saw someone get incredibly lean on a high carb diet while they did the same workout program as you, while you slowly got fatter. Maybe the obverse is true, and you’re the genetic anomaly who manages to get ripped to shreds and jacked to fuck eating lots of carbs and a moderate amount of protein, which your friends wither away to skinny-fatness and curse the day you were born following the exact same diet. We’ve all seen these phenomena, and they’re as infuriating and perplexing as Justin Bieber’s continued popularity. How to explain this? It could only be the fact that people can have vastly different metabolisms, and that different diets will suit different people. The problem remains, however, of selecting that perfect diet. Though I am unconvinced that the vide a starting point for those people who want immediate and simple answers to what is invariably a complex problem. Were the answer as simple as the question, there’d likely not be an endless stream of mealy-mouthed, whiney, sad sack, unimaginative, demanding, intolerable bitches whining endlessly on the internet about their lack of progress or their inability to get started on a diet. Given the alternative, completing a short survey in the hopes it will shed some light on the answer to your question seems reasonable, though for those parties who truly enjoy bitching, I’m sure this is just one more intolerable inconvenience about which they’ll feel free to vent their insipid frustrations all over the internet. Provided you’re an individual with a modicum of dignity and self-respect, however, you might try taking the following quiz. 1. In the morning you: a) don’t eat breakfast b) have something light like fruit, toast, or cereal c) have something heavy like eggs, bacon, or hash browns 2. At a buffet, the foods you choose are: b) a mixture of A and C Page 51


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c) heavier foods like steak, ribs, pork chops, cheeses, and cream sauces 3. Your appetite at lunch is: a) low b) normal c) strong 4. Your appetite at dinner is: a) low b) normal c) strong 5. Caffeine makes you feel: a) great- it helps me focus b) take it or leave it c) makes me jittery or nauseated 6. The types of foods you crave are (sugar is not included because everyone craves sugar when they are tired or run down): a) fruits, bread, crackers b) both A and C c) salty foods, cheeses and meats 7. At dinner you prefer to eat: b) no preferences-choice varies daily c) pastas, steak, potatoes 8. After dinner you: a) need to have something sweet b) could take dessert or leave it c) don’t care for sweets and would rather have something salty like popcorn 9. The types of sweets you like are: a) sugary candies like skittles or hot tamales b) no preference c) ice cream or cheesecake 10. Eating fatty foods like meat or cheese before bed: a) prevents me from sleeping b) doesn’t bother me c) improves my sleep Page 52


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11. Eating carbs like breads and crackers before bed: a) disturbs my sleep, I sleep better on lighter foods b) doestn’y affect me c) is better than nothing but I sleep better on heavier foods 12. Eating sweets before bed: a) doesn’t keep me from sleeping at all b) sometimes makes me feel restless in bed c) keeps me up all night 13. How often do you eat each day? a) 2 or 3 meals with no snacks b) 3 meals with maybe one light snack c) 3 meals with constant snacking 14. Your attitude towards food is: a) I often forget to eat b) I enjoy food and rarely miss a meal c) I love food- its a central part of my life 15. When you skip meals, you feel: b) I don’t function at my best, but it doesn’t bother me c) I feel shaky, irritable, weak, and tired 16. How much do you like fatty foods? a) not at all b) moderately c) I crave them regularly 17. If you eat fruit for breakfast or lunch, you feel: b) okay, but I usually need a snack between meals 18. What kind of foods drain your energy? a) fatty foods make me feel lethargic b) no food affects me this way c) fruit, candy, or confections give me a quick boost and then a sugar crash 19. Your food portions are: Page 53


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a) small- less than average b) average- not more or less than other people c) I eat large portions of food, usually more than most people. 20. How do you feel about potatoes? a) don’t care for them b) take them or leave them c) love them 21. Red meat makes you feel: a) tired b) no particular feeling one way or the other c) strong 22. A salad for lunch makes you: a) feel energized and healthy c) sleepy 23. How do you feel about salt? a) foods often taste too salty for me b) don’t notice one way or the other c) I crave salt and put it on my food regularly 24. Your snack of choice is: a) I don’t really snack, but if I do its something sweet b) I can snack on anything c) I need snacks but prefer meats, cheeses, eggs, or nuts 25. How do you feel about sour foods like pickles, lemon juice, or vinegar? a) strongly dislike them b) they don’t bother me, but I don’t particularly like them c) I like sour foods 26. When you eat sweets, you feel: a) sweets alone can satisfy my appetite b) they don’t bother me, but don’t satisfy me 27. When you just eat meat (bacon, sausage, ham, salmon) for breakfast, you feel: a) sleepy, lethargic, irritable b) it varies day to day Page 54


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28. Of the three followng choices for dinner, you’d prefer: b) a mixture of A and C c) lamb chops, cooked carrots, and baked potatoes 29. When you eat heavy, fatty foods, you feel: a) irritable b) doesn’t affect me c) often alleviates my anger or irritability 30. When you feel anxious: a) fruits and vegetables calm me down b) eating anyting calms me c) fatty food calm me down 31. You concentrate best when you eat: a) fruits and grains b) nothing in particular affects my concentration c) meast and fatty foods 32. You feel more depressed when you eat: a) fatty or heavy foods b) food doesn’t affect me in this way c) fruits, breads, sweets 33. You notice you gain weight when you: a) eat fatty foods b) no particular food makes me gain, I gain when I overeat c) eat fruits and carbs 34. What type of insomnia, if any, applies to you? a) I rarely get insomnia from hunger b) I rarely get insomnia, but if I do, I often need to eat something in order to go back to sleep c) I often need to wake up during the night to eat but if I eat something right before bed, it alleviates the insomnia. 35. Your personality type is: a) aloof, withdrawn, introverted b) neither introverted nor extroverted c) I am an extrovert Page 55


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36. Your mental and physical stamina are better when you eat: b) any wholesome food c) fatty foods 37. Your climate preference is: a) warm or hot weather b) doesn’t matter to me c) cold climates 38. You have problems with coughing or chest pressure (if no, skip) c) yes 39. You have a tendency to get cracked skin or dandruff (if no, skip) c) yes 40. You have a tendency to get dizzy or lightheaded (if no, skip) c) yes 41. Your eyes tend to be: a) dry b) don’t notice one way or the other c) my eyes tear often 42. Your complexion is: a) noticeably pale b) average color

a) thick b) average c) thin a) very hard to make me gag b) normal c) I gag easily 45. You get goose bumps: a) often Page 56


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b) occasionally c) very rarely 46. Your body is more prone to: a) constipation b) no stomach problems c) diarrhea 47. When insects bite you, your reaction is: a) mild b) average c) severe 48. Your body type is: a) short and stocky b) average c) tall and thin 49. Your nose is: a) dry b) normal c) runny Once you’ve answered all of the above questions, add up your total for a, b, and c answers. If you because you’re a fucking retard. Carb Type / Slow Oxidizer. This means that you get to follow the prototypical bodybuilder diet on your path to Valhalla, and you’ll eat a diet comprising of 60-70% carbohydrates, 20-25% protein, Type / Balanced Oxidizer. You will thus be a full on Zone diet champion, eating a roughly balanced mix of fats, carbs, and protein, though you’ll still shoot for 30% or less of your calories to come from fat. Metabolic typing guru, professional Pavel lookalike, and strength coach Paul Chek, being a wild-eyed fatophobe, would assert you need to restrict your fats to 10% and split your calories evenly between carbs and proteins, but other, more reasonable authors will assert that you can lite. unclear exactly how to even go about structuring your ideal diet. Humanity would not have adPage 57


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hered to metabolic typing diets for this long, and they’d hardly have been as ubiquitous as they are were there nothing whatsoever to them. As such, it might behoove you to at least do a bit of investigation into your metabolic type, if for no other reason than to divert your attention from Reddit and Facebook for a few minutes with a topic that’s at least marginally intellectual.

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MISCELLANEOUS DIETS AND DIETING GOODNESS nearly unmitigated suck, decided to give the world something useful. That thing, as it happens, is a book about nutrition- The Dukan Diet. I realize that the above statement makes about as much sense as an announcement to the effect that a New Guinea tribesman has just made a breakthrough in quantum physics, but I am actually quite serious. The French will surprise us from time to time, as they have over the course of the last 100 years produced Charles Rigolout, Rise of the Northstar’s song “Protect Ya Chest”, and the Dukan Diet. In much the same way as the other two French products were excellent, the Dukan As a bit of background, the Pierre Dukan, progenitor of the Dukan Diet, is considered to be ’s answer to Dr. Atkins. Like Atkins, he’s regarded as a saint by some (notable celebrities like the broad who married into British royalty, the ridiculously nicknamed J-Lo, and Gisele swear by the diet) and a devil by others (including another popular dieting author who essentially said that Dukan’s poisoning the minds and bodies of the French).(Nazar, Pichi) Additionally, Dukan is a legitimate doctor, and he seems to have developed his diet after years of receiving diet questions from his patients and combining what he found through research with what he saw working in real life. Though someone to whom I recently described the diet responded with something akin to horror at the perceived complexity of the diet, I think it’s unbelievably simple. The diet is broken down into four separate parts, all with very simple-to-follow rules: 1. Attack Phase- this is a pure protein diet utilized to kickstart fat loss 2. Cruise Phase- pure protein days alternated with quasi-paleo days on which you can add select vegetables 3. Consolidation Phase- intended to prevent rebound, this phase is a bit looser than the cruise phase 4. Permanent Stabilization Phase- basically, eat whatever the fuck you want, with one protein day 5. In my opinion, it hardly gets simpler than this. Additionally, this appears to be the ultimate [effective] female diet, as it eventually allows the women to eat their much sought-after carbs after training them and their brains how they should focus their dieting efforts. That’s one of the most genius parts of the Dukan Diet, as it has built in game mechanics that essentially allow s to Page 59


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“level-up” and get access to tastier foods. Additionally, this diet is far less draconian than anything I follow on a regular basis, requires little to no calculations, and keeps its food rules fairly simple. some interesting highlights: • On determining one’s ideal weight: it’s better to ask yourself what weight is realistic and at which you’d feel good than to fantasize about looking like a celebrity. Abstractions in shit like this generally lead to failure. • Your body’s biological memory of your most common bodyweight can never be erased. As such, you should focus on losing weight gradually, rather than in big jumps- big jumps will waste the willpower you’ll need to stabilize your weight at a reasonable level, rather than momentarily hitting a new high or low. • The DD includes a true weight calculator, which is pretty interesting, and Dukan notes that a man’s stable bodyweight increases 2.6 lbs per decade, and a woman’s increases 1.8 lbs. • On a diet, you should refrain from using too much salt- this will reduce water retention and help keep your appetite at bay. Salt intake increases salivation and gastric acidity, which trigger feelings of hunger. Also, Dukan mentions that an increase in water with a concomitant decrease in salt will reduce the appearance of cellulite. • Fats are public enemy #1, and simple carbohydrates are #2. I, of course, disagree with this sentiment for strength athletes (see last blog for more info). ATTACK. The attack phase of the Dukan Diet (heretofore D.D.) lasts 2-7 days, based on personal fatness, the average of which is 5 days. During this phase, you limit yourself to foods that are as close to pure protein as possible- lean meats, skinless poultry, 90% lean ground beef or better, veal, pork, game meats, seafood, eggs, nonfat dairy... essentially, anything but duck, goose, and ribs. This can be prepared any way you like, but without butter, oil, or cream. As I mentioned, poultry has to be skinless, though it can be cooked with the skin on to preserve the meat’s moisture as much as possible. If you’re eating eggs, you should limit yourself to two yolks during this phase, but you can eat unlimited portions of the rest. Did I mention the dairy? I found that to be the most interesting part of this diet, and especially to the fairer sex, who is forever fucking whining about the lack of cheese, milk, ice cream, cheese, and ice cream in their diets. Also, ice cream. Anyone who’s ever tried to help chicks with a diet has suffered through this, as chicks tend to whine about ice cream a fucking lot. In any event, no sugar added dairy is right at the top of the fucking list for Dukan, who somehow believes lactose to be more or less harmless. As such, fat free cheese can be eaten in unlimited amounts, skim milk can be drunk, and sugar-free yogurt can be eaten. This makes life fairly easy for most chicks, as they all seem to love cottage cheese, and you can pretty much make this phase the cottage cheese phase if you so choose. In retrospect, I suppose it doesn’t necessarily allow ice cream, but dairy is dairy in ice cream thing, as provided by the good people over at My Dukan Diet. Page 60


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The only hard and fast rules on this bitch is that you must consume 1.5 tablespoons of oat bran every day (he recommends making it into a galette), drink 1.5Q of water per day, and eat as much of the allowed foods as you want. Insofar as duration is concerned, he recommends a 3 day attack for people looking to lose less than 20 pounds (total), a 1 day attack for people looking to lose less than 10 lbs, and 7-10 days for Wal-Mart fatties. Finally, he recommends 20 minutes of walking a day, but quite frankly if you think 20 minutes of walking constitutes exercise, then the series of odd CRUISIN’ The cruise phase essentially takes the attack phase and adds veggies. Like I stated earlier, this diet is so simple, the fucking book could have been written in crayon and Simple Jack could have understood it without a problem. This phase is continued without a break until the dieter hits their target weight, and just alternates pure protein days with protein and vegetable days, all in unlimited amounts. The average length of the phase is three days per pound of bodyweight lost, which is actually pretty reasonable, and retains the same oat bran and water prescription from the previous phase. Vegetables that are ok’d by Dukan for this phase: tomatoes, cucumbers, radishes, spinach, lettuce, asparagus, leeks, green beans, cabbage, mushrooms, celery, fennel, eggplant, zuccchini, summer squash, peppers, and provided they’re not at every meal, carrots and beets. No amount of whining, pleading, cajoling, or other tomfoolery will make potatoes or corn vegetables. They’re not. It’s science. Accept it and move on with your lives. CONSOLIDATE YOUR POSITION At this point, you’ve conquered your body like Hitler raped , and you’ve got to install your own puppet regime. Instead of enlisting the help of the Vichy, you’ve got to continue the Cruigets “fun” in female parlance. At this point, you get to add two slices of bread and a portion of fruit every day. Additionally, you can have two portions of starchy carbohydrates a week, and two planned cheat meals. At this point in the diet, you should have a pretty fucking good idea of what got you to where you are, a healthy respect for that knowledge, and a desire not to blow the whole goddamned thing because you’ve already broken your ass dieting for a month. This phase takes that and rolls it into a ball with what regular (FAT *cough* FAT) people consider a “normal”/”balanced” diet. The idea here is to train yourself to have portion control so you maintain your weight. Your body’s not takly, it’s a big bag of bullshit. To get your body to fuck right off with that nonsense, Dukan reintroduces whole grain bread, cerPage 61


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tain fruits, and the wondrous cheat meal. I’ve already outlined the myriad reasons why cheat meals are awesome (here and here), and Dukan agrees with my sentiments. He does, however, add limitations I do not, and which might well prove useful to a lot of you who are struggling with fat loss: • eat anything you want, but you only get a single portion, and your portion size should be moderated by reason • eat one of every one of the haute-cuisine courses to provide yourself with a full meal experience- 1 appetizer, 1 entree, 1 dessert, and 1 glass of wine. • cannot have two celebration meals in a row • As I stated, this is in many ways similar to my suggestions about cheat meals, though my suggestions lack the effete trappings of that esteemed French gentleman’s. In any event, they’re reasonable. In addition to the above, he suggests that you have a single day of pure proteins per week, and recommends that the following fruit hierarchy to guide your decision making there: • Apples> Strawberries and Raspberries> Melon> Grapefruit> Kiwis, peaches, nectarines, mangoes. You cannot have bananas, grapes, cherries, dried fruit, or nuts. Additionally, you still cannot have starchy “vegetables” like corn, potatoes, or yams, unless it’s one of your starch meals. Speaking of which, the plan for the starchy meals is not too dissimilar from the cheat meal plan- it’s governed one serving a week, and then you bump it up to two servings once you hit the halfway point. As for what you can stuff down your gullet at these meals, you can have an 8 oz (cooked) serving of pasta, corn, breads, couscous, polenta, or lentils, 6 oz of white or 8oz of brown rice, or a baked potato without butter. While it’s not quite an evening at the Olive Garden, it’s something for those of you who love their carbs. At Least Your Weight Will Be Stable The DD is structured so that you never have to return to a life of bulimia to manage your weight, and the Permanent Stabilization routine is the key to the whole shitteree, according to MM. Dukan. This phase is actually simpler than the rest, as it involves eating whatever the fuck you want 6 days a week (provided you’re still getting your 2TBSP of oat bran a day, eating the pure protein diet one day a week, and never using an escalator or elevator again in your life. The latter recommendation century, but would likely be suicidal if you lived in the Burj Khalifa or wanted to stand at the top of the Empire State Building. According to Dukan, however, this thing will keep you slender as a baguette-eater for the remainder of your days, and apparently does not require that you own a beret to do so. Questions I Have Been Asked About This Diet Already bran’s yang, or the Skeletor to bran’s He-Man. On this diet you will have to eat oat bran, which is Page 62


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al isle. You can also get it cheap on amazon if you so choose.

A: Yogurt, like all dairy foods, contains sugar. This sugar is called lactose, and is the alleged culprit when any person shits their pants after drinking a glass of milk. According to one study, “Approxleast moderately lactose intolerant. That fascinating sidebar aside, there’s no way to get sugar-free No honey, no agave, and no other hippie faux sugars are allowed either- you want good, old-fashQ: Where should I go to get recipes/more information/anything else because I’m too fucking lazy to read the book? A: My Dukan Diet seems to have some good recipes and breaks shit down a bit. Thus, if you’ve got a member of the family with Down’s syndrome but who wants to lose some weight (and when was the last time you saw someone with Down’s who couldn’t stand to get their ass around the block a couple of times?), or you want recipes, go here. Q: Is cum allowed on this diet? [Editor’s note: I very literally was asked this question. Twice.] A: Yes, cum can be a very important part of any diet for anyone who wishes to partake (edited for the hyper literal readers out there). This means that gays, bisexual guys, guys who like to eat their “Although cum may look creamy and opaque, it contains very little fat, and few calories. One teaspoon of cum contains about 5 calories, and the average ejaculation produces about a guess that it has a few carbohydrates, but considering the relatively small volume of semen per “serving” we’d guess the total amount to be negligible.Given that cum is a high-protein, low-carb snack, you’d think the Atkins Diet people would be all over it by now. Plus, when you factor in the calories expended in performing oral sex, chances are you’re burning off much more than you’re consuming. The only way that swallowing during a blow job will make you fat is if you cover your lover’s dick with whipped cream and chocolate syrup” (Don’t Spit). Per Wikipedia: “Semen is primarily water, but contains trace amounts of almost every nutrient the als, such as potassium, magnesium, and selenium. One typical ejaculation contains 150 mg of protein, 11 mg of carbohydrates, 6 mg fat, 3 mg cholesterol, 7% US RDA potassium and 3% US RDA copper and zinc.” Page 63


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SIMPLE AS A, B, Bloody C, D, E! I mentioned in a previous blog that I was a bit of a fan of a guy of whom you’ve likely never heard, Torbjorn Akerfeldt. Akerfeldt is a former bodybuilder and doctor who pioneered a pretty innovative diet in the 1990s called the ABCDE diet, which Bill Phillips jocked like it was the second coming of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Why? Because based on Akerfeldt’s theories, you can diet hard for two weeks, then blow your diet completely for two weeks, and still get bigger and lose fat. For obvious reasons, this diet’s been hit with a massive amount of scrutiny, and no longer really gets any press. The science behind it, however, is compelling, and I’m of the opinion that it can be incorporated into one’s diet, however sparingly. How sparingly? I’m of the opinion that if you diet your ass off for a couple of months, this might just be the way to get your body anabolic again, throw on some muscle in a hurry, and get your head right after weeks of deprivation. How it works: This diet’s about as simple as they come- overeat for 2 weeks, then undereat for two weeks, then repeat ad nauseum. According to Akerfeldt, you should end up with a net lean muscle gain and overall fat loss, no matter how shitty your diet during the two weeks. Protein intake is not an issue on this diet, as the only thing you’re tracking on this diet is caloric intake- you want 1000 surplus with no restrictions or recommendations on macronutrients. have similar aims to McDonald’s - i.e. manipulation of thyroid, testosterone, and leptin. A word to the wise, however- I’ve linked the studies associate with this diet, and I’ve yet to read a writeup on the web that’s got the details recounted faithfully, accurately, or in some cases, even remotely correctly. Science seems to it as well, as one study shows that a 3 week period of overfeeding in a bunch of chicks resulted in an average weight gain of 9.5 lbs, of which about 4 was lean mass. All of the subjects experienced increased testosterone, IGF-1, and insulin, which meant that they were highly anabolic. Unfortunately, they also gained 5 lbs of fat in three weeks. I highly doubt they were particularly psyched about this, but given that most females gain the next study associated with the ABCDE diet shows that in small samples of men over 12 days, guys who ate more calories gained more muscle than fat, and guys who under ate lost more fat inversely proportional to carbohydrate intake- i.e., the less carbs you eat, the more fat you burn. As with this diet investigated the effect of a caloric and nitrogen surplus on nitrogen retention, though this positive nitrogen balance was not maintained after the diet ended. Thus, my take is that your you’ve got to keep the protein high. Why, then, tell you about this diet? Because it’s fucking interesting, for one, and because it could Page 64


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my sentiments: • “Our genes have not evolved much during the last 100,000 years; thus, they are still developed for our hunter/gatherer and, more recently, pastoral ancestors, who, whenever they succeeded in killing an animal, lived on meat for a week or two. At other times, when they had bad luck hunting and a crop failed, they lived on a low-calorie diet. This selective pressure gave man adipose tissue with almost unlimited storage capacity and a very adaptive metabolism to cope with periods of different diets” (Phillips). • “During a calorie [or any macronutrient] restricted period, the number and activity of enzymes which govern storage will increase, while the degrading enzymes and those which promote tion, the body is now optimized for a forthcoming period of “excess” intake of calories. When this period takes place, the body will store excess calories at a tremendous rate. This applies to carbohydrates [glycogen] and is the basis for “carb loading.” It also applies to fats [triglycerides] and amino acids [proteins]. Sometimes this mechanism is called “super-compensation” (Phillips). • “During the bulking phase of the ABCDE program, several things happen. First of all, er’s theory of cellular hydration5,6 and Millward’s “full-bag” theory,9 the cell will actually stretch. system. Bag enlargement is remodeling of the connective tissue. Remodeling is stimulated during the stretching or eccentric components of exercise and is further enhanced by the incredible pump you’ll get while training during this phase of the diet” (Phillips). but one could logically surmise that consuming a higher protein diet during the bulking phase may stimulate anabolic drive and produce even greater nitrogen retention. If you followed a high-carbohydrate diet during the low-calorie phase, the accompanying increase in fat oxidation would make you put on a lot of fat during the next bulking phase” (Phillips). His recommendations for calories in the two phases: • “Take your bodyweight times 12 [to approximate maintenance-calorie intake for an individual who’s not extremely active] and add 1,500 calories to this number. For example, a person who weighs 200 lbs, like yourself, would consume about 4,000 calories a day during the bulking phase calories equal to your bodyweight times eight. That would be about 1,600 calories for you [200 x 8 Seems fairly simple, right? Though I might not agree with every bit of his premise, the theory is certainly enticing, especially if you know, for instance, that you’ll be eating your ass off on vacation for two weeks. Should you have such a plan, it might behoove you to undereat for two solid weeks prior to that caloric bonanza to get the most out of it (and look your best while you embark upon Page 65


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a Kobiyashi-style gastronomic catastrophe). The best bit to take away from this diet- experimentation is fucking key. Every bit of information you can pick up will be useful at some point, no matter whether you agree with the author’s premise or not... but fuck you if you disagree with me.

STEW-ROIDS ly with the idea for the article. The title for this post eluded me, however, as if I were an obese, mustachioed, unwashed child molester, rocking a turgid 4” hard on, chasing the last remaining child through a McDonald’s Playland with a leaky bag of opiate laced candy with ten minutes left before the end of the world. This is odd, because hilarity usually comes fairly easy to me, and I know exactly what it is this article is to be, and yet the best I can come up with is “Holy Shit, Westerners Are All Retarded”, because holy shit, Western lifters are fucking retarded. Blinded by an endless spate of fad diets, immersed in endless debates about nutrition and buried in mounds of research conducted by people who have no understanding of weightlifting outside of theory, and in the US in particular without a traditional ethnic diet, we’re left standing on a desert island with a vile proisland replete with lifters pushing weights of which we can only dream, drunk out of their skulls, and eating delicious foods. For the kids on message boards with sub 315 squats, the only answer is “DRUGS, LOTS OF DRUGS”, because they’re giant retarded vaginas with less understanding of what it takes to get strong than my 75 year old ice cream-obsessed, white collar father, who could easily outlift 85% of message board posters simply because he’s a fucking man with full grown testicles and a modicum of personal pride. The missing element in English speaking countries isn’t drugs, and though it’s partially related to work ethic, that’s not it either. Instead, the missing element is the paucity of giant iron kettles congirlfriends’ jeans. That’s right- we are not eating enough stew. That is the problem, and this is not a joke. For those of you with short attention spans, let’s run down a quick list of people who traditionally eat stew and their concomitant skill at strength sports: • Russians and Ukranians. They eat stew by the bucketful, and they probably just recycle their trophies and medals in weightlifting at this point because they’ve got nowhere to store the fucking things. • Bulgarians. Bulgarians have, per capita, more trophies in Olympic weightlifting than any other country in history, in spite of the fact that they live in a tiny, landlocked, dour, cold, poor country whose only traditional export is humongous mustaches. Like their former Eastern Page 66


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bloc comrades, they’re slurping down wheelbarrows full of stews called moussaka and kavarma 24/7/365. • Iranians. Persian traditional cuisine is pretty much just kebebs and stew (khoresht) with a variety of breads and rice. For a small country, they have a disproportionately massive number of Olympic medals in weightlifting and wrestling, and have an incredibly long and rich history of strongman and wrestling training called varzesh e bastani that literally could not have existed in a place wherein the diet wasn’t centered around their traditional fare. Unlike the Indians, they never gave up on a meat-heavy diet, so they’ve been able to keep dominating strength sports while the Indians have languished in estrogen-fueled vegetarian weakness. • Turks. Most of the meals cooked in the home start with meat-rich soup followed by thick stews made with beans and minced meat. If you’re unaware, the Turks always do well in Olympic weightlifting, and have wiped the mats with foreign wrestlers since the dawn of man. • Hungarians. Though you don’t think of Hungary when you think of strength sports, Hungary has 20 medals in weightlifting and a shitload in wrestling, in spite of the fact that they have fewer people in their country than live in Paris. Their secret? Goulash by the bucket. • Sumo Wrestlers. All those motherfuckers do is eat stew and drink beer when they’re not training, and they average 412 lbs at 6’2”. Yes, they’re fat, but science says “so what?”, because sumo wrestlers carry more lean body mass than bodybuilders (Kondo). The average sumo carries only 26% bodyfat, which means that that in contest shape they’d be stepping onto the bodybuilding stage at 307.8 lbs. • Icelanders. Iceland has long been renown for its strongmen, all of whom credit their dis• Chinese. Though neither soup nor stew is a mainstay of the traditional Chinese diet, Chinese weightlifters eat loads a heavy soup made of chicken and pork ribs, and they’re working over the lighter weight classes in Oly lifting like they’re mini Mike Tysons hanging beatings on Robin Givens lookalikes. I realize that due to the fact that no renowned author has written at length about the utility of stew, my contention here is likely being viewed with no small amount of skepticism. No bodybuilder credited stew with their success. As such, stew could not possible be in vogue, because nowhere are people more lemming-like than in Western strength sports. As such, my theory begs more investigation. Prepare yourselves for a fact dump that makes your typical deuce dropping in German scat porn seem positively reserved by comparison. Stewed foods are probably as old as pottery, likely due to the fact that stewing is a very simple way to cook a wide variety of foods, and is perhaps the best method of retaining as much nutrition in the cooked foods as possible. The Scythians, a tribe of man-eating, death dealing superhumans who dominated the Russian steppes for centuries were huge fans of stewing, and would stew their food whenever they weren’t sewing their enemies’ scalps into horse blankets and capes. As ingenious as they were pants-shittingly brutal, the Scythians were known to cook their food by Page 67


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(Wiki) Ever fans of stewing, one neighboring tribe to the Scythians known as the Issedones would walk their elderly men right into a crock pot and cook them up, then gild their skullcaps and use them as drinking vessels. Motherfuckers back in the day knew how to throw a fucking party.

The reasons behind stewing are simple: • none of the nutrients generally lost in drippings from roasting or in the water from boiling are discarded- instead, they’re either cooked right back into the meat or remain intact in the broth. • meat loses less weight by being stewed than if cooked by any other method. • stewing denatures protein, making it far more digestible (hydrolyzed whey is denatured, for instance) • for those of us who view vegetables as a necessary but horrible evil, you end up eating far more of them in stews than you would otherwise. • stews can be easily kept hot and reheated. • acrylamides (cancer-causing agents in starchy foods) are not formed in stewing.

veggies, grans and beans all together in one pot. The popular practice today of barbecuing or grilling meat, which caramelizes or burns its surface, denatures the protein and creates toxins that are widely believed to be carcinogenic”(Hofmekler 73). While Ori might not understand that denaturing protein is often actually a good thing, he has a point- there is a reason the greatest military of the ancient world cooked the way they did- it worked, and it provided the army with the best nutriBeyond the above list, there is one other reason that you should be eating a wheelbarrow full of stew daily- history has shown that the biggest and strongest people on Earth eat stew with more alacrity than a dog shows when drinking from the toilet. Stew isn’t just food- it’s stew-roids. Take, for instance, the example of Icelandic strongmen. These gigantic motherfuckers buck the trend of small bodies leading to long life, as the Icelanders are second only to the Japanese in of longevity, and are second in the world for males under the age of twenty. Their secret? A stew called kjotsupafor- a traditional lamb soup made of fatty lamb, rutabaga, onion, carrot, celery, size and strength, and claim that this was the stew that made their Viking ancestors the skull-smashing, cervix-displacing, monastery-burning behemoths they were. Currently, Icelandic strongmen eat kjotsupafor before, during, and after training, and up to six times per day to fuel their training (Bourdain). If you’re curious how it’s made, here’s a recipe: Page 68


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Kjotsupafor Yield: 6-8 servings of kjötsúpa Ingredients 2 Tbsp. olive oil 3 pounds lamb, on the bone (thick chops or shoulder … whatever is cheapest!) 1 medium onion, sliced 1/3 cup brown rice (traditionalists use rolled oats as an alternative) 6 cups water 1/2 tsp. dried thyme 1/2 tsp. dried oregano 1/2 cabbage, roughly chopped 3 carrots, diced into 1/2” pieces 1/2 rutabaga, uniformly diced 4 potatoes, scrubbed well and diced into uniform 1/2” pieces (see alternative note below) Directions 1. medium heat (do not brown). Add the lamb pieces and brown on all sides. Add the sliced onion to the pot and sauté very lightly (about 1 minute), then pour in the brown rice and water. Raise heat to high, bringing the soup to a low boil; allow to boil for 5 minutes, skimming away the froth as it rises. 2. Reduce heat to medium, stir in dried thyme and oregano, cover pot, and cook for 40 minutes. 3. an additional 20 minutes, or until vegetables are fork-tender. 4. Remove meat and bones from pot, chop meat coarsely, then return. Warm for an additional 5 minutes. (Alternatively, some Icelanders will remove the lamb and potatoes from the pot and serve these on a plate, separately from the soup. If presenting the meal this way, chop the potatoes into larger, 1” chunks). One bowl of kjötsúpa yields the following nutrition:

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Perhaps Iceland isn’t your thing- you hate Vikings, prefer samurai, and are the one fucking asshole on Earth who thinks Deadliest Warrior got it right when they stated a Viking would lose 522 out their basement, you were the smelly, paste-eating kid in school, and you likely have never been in a more often than a 1920’s cartoon hobo, because that’s just about all sumo wrestlers ever eat, and if you’ve already forgotten, scientists have declared that sumo wrestlers carry the most lean body mass of any humans on Earth, so it’s not as though they’re simply giant babies tottering around in diapers. The stew, of which sumo wrestlers eat prodigious amounts, is called chankonabe, and is comprised of tossed sliced tofu, carrots, cabbages, leeks, potatoes, lotus roots, daikon radishes, shiitake mushrooms, and giant burdock in chicken broth. they wash all that down with massive amounts of beer and saki, then take a nap to allow the massive meal to digest. Chanko is considered a “sort of legal steroid” in Japan- “Of all the performance enhancers used in sports, it’s perhaps the oldest and most venerated. Chanko dates to at least the late 19th century, when short-order cooks from Niigawith ‘nabe,’ the name for one-pot meals often served at the table. ‘It’s the main course of a sumo meal,’ says Konishiki. ‘All the sumo wrestlers have to eat it, whether they like it or not’” (Lidz). Here’s how chankonabe is made in Tokyo’s Tomoegata: Tachiyama Chanko-Nabe (Tachiyama’s Beef and Chicken Hot Pot) Serves 4 Page 70


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Ingredients 3 lbs. chicken bones 1 2.8-oz. package abura-age (deep-fried tofu), cut into large pieces 1 clove garlic, peeled 1/4 cup soy sauce 2 tbsp. mirin (sweet rice wine) Salt 1 medium waxy potato, peeled, quartered lengthwise, sliced crosswise, and blanched 2” piece daikon, peeled, quartered lengthwise, sliced crosswise, and blanched 1 small carrot, trimmed, peeled, sliced on the bias, and blanched 1 leek, white part only, trimmed, washed, and sliced on the bias 1/4 head napa cabbage, cored and cut into large pieces 4 shiitake mushrooms, stemmed 4 oz. shimeji mushrooms. trimmed and separated 4 oz. fresh burdock root, trimmed, peeled, and shaved into long thin strips 10 oz. yaki-dofu (grilled tofu), halved lengthwise and cut into 1/2”-thick pieces 1/2lb. boneless chicken thighs. cut into thin strips 1/2 bunch chrysanthemum greens, trimmed 1/2 lb. very thinly sliced prime rib eye of beef 1 lb. udon noodles Directions 1. Bring a medium pot of water to a boil over high heat. Put chicken bones and fried tofu into 2 separate colanders set in sink and pour two-thirds of the boiling water over the bones to rinse off any impurities and the remaining boiling water over the tofu to rinse off excess oil. Transfer bones to the medium pot and set tofu aside to drain. 2. Add garlic and 14 cups cold water to pot with bones and bring to a boil over high heat, skimming any foam that rises to the surface. Reduce heat to medium-low and simmer until broth has reduced by one-third, about 21/2 hours. Strain broth into a clean, wide medium pot, discarding solids, and skim off fat. 3. At the table, set pot on a portable stove in center of table, add soy sauce and mirin, season to taste with salt, and bring to a simmer over medium heat. 4. Add about one-third of the potatoes, daikon, carrots, leeks, cabbage, mushrooms, burdock, grilled tofu. chicken, fried tofu, and chrysanthemum greens to simmering broth. 5. Cook until vegetables begin to soften and chicken is just cooked through, about 5 minutes. Add about one-third of the beef. 6. Simmer until just cooked through, about 1 minute. 7. Once all the vegetables, tofu, chicken, greens, and beef have been eaten, use a small sieve to pick out scraps. Bring remaining broth in pot back to a simmer, add noodles, and simmer until cooked through, 6-8 minutes. Serve in individual bowls. Page 71


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One serving of Chankonabe yields the following nutritional awesome:

As though the above information weren’t compelling enough, lifters at David Rigert’s training camp recommends that lifters eat stew as a regular part of their diet, and the Chinese Olympic weightlifting team eats chicken and pork rib soup as a staple of their diets. Essentially, everyone BUT a tragedy for us Westerners, but this tragedy can be averted... with the liberal use of a crock pot and a willingness to depart from the norm. To give you an idea of what it is you’re missing out on, here is a bit of the nutritional information for some of the best choices for stew: Beef Goulash nutrition:

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Borscht nutrition:

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Khoresht nutrition:

Beef Chili nutrition:

As you can see, stew is pretty much the balls if you’re looking for a shitload of calories and a shityou with the power of all of your viking ancestors currently drinking in Valhalla and awaiting your arrival. For those of you who are still in the “get ripped” phase and not in the “get huge motherfucker” phase of life, stew might not be the best choice. For anyone who’s looking to the coming winter months with a twinkle in their eye and an idea about packing on some serious mass and throwing around weights that would seem positively fantastical to the 150 lb. nutritional gurus on the internet- time to start jacking some stew-roids so you can leave the world of bitch mode behind. Page 75


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THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS TOO MANY STEW-ROIDS Before I start the second installment in this series, a warning- If you’re unaccustomed to eating taking it easy on spices might be a good idea, no matter how spicy you like your food. the reason behind this warning is that after eating chili made with two cans of Texas Rancheros beans, a couple of pounds of lean beef, and a shitload of poblano peppers, wasabi, habenero pepper sauce, for the last 14 hours, and am feeling not unlike I did when I had dysentery in China, though I am as of yet not bleeding from my asshole. Quite frankly, the popularity of my stew idea has me taken a bit aback- I honestly believed the world at large would accuse me of having holed up in my house, collecting my own urine and fecal samples, and basically writing nonsense while living full-on Howard Hughes style. It appears, however, that I’m onto something, so I believe it behooves me to continue with my stew series- the more I research, the more I discover that the correlation between stew and gigantic, badass motherfuckers is 1:1, no matter where you are in the world. As it happens, my initial idea for eating stew didn’t come from my research, but rather arose out of my inquiry into the ideal bulking diet, as I’ve grown unbelievably weary of constant dieting and have been looking around for a method by which I can alter my diet and increase muscular mass without becoming one of the giant, fat pieces of shit you see waddling around most gyms in sweatshirts with cutoff sleeves and sweatpants that appear to have been new when Flashdance was initially released on Laserdisc. Putting on a bit of fat in the pursuit of huge numbers is no issue- losing the appearance that I actually lift weights is. As such, the traditional “see food” diet was not an option, nor was the hideous nonsense I reposted from Dave Tate about eating pizza drenched in olive oil. Instead, I thought to look to how people have done it around the world in a logical, sensible, sane manner, though with a mode of execution extreme enough to justify its use with my training methodology. That thought then sat on a dusty shelf in the back of my mind as I rummaged through it looking for odd bits and pieces for the new nutrition ebook, and I’d occasionally catch a glimmer from that abandoned shelf that’d draw my attention whenever the word “stew” popped up in a book or article. I then recalled Ori Hofmekler’s bit on stew, which I posted in the last installment of this series, and the entire concept began to congeal in my head. I’d already thought in the past that chili could be made into the ultimate food, and then it dawned upon me- there is no need to make it into the ultimate food, because it already Assuming you make your chili with one pound of 93% lean beef, 425 grams of pinto beans, 425 grams of kidney beans, and a can each of tomato soup and diced tomatoes, you’re lookand 168g of protein, all for around $6. Thus, for maybe $16 bucks you could double that and have three protein shakes to top out around 5000 calories and 450 grams of protein. Depending on how you look at it, you’re hitting a split of 50% carbs, 37% protein, 13% fat without Page 76


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to grow on anything. Additionally, all of the health concerns constantly issuing forth from the mouths of your wives/girlfriends/parents/coworkers are obviated by the fact that you’re getting an insanely balanced diet jam-packed with more fucking nutrition than you’d get just about any other way. For those of you who are curious about my chili recipe, here it is: Jamie’s Pants-Shitting Scorched Anus Chili 4 servings Ingredients 2 lbs 93% lean ground beef 2 cans Bush’s Best Texas Rancheros beans Brown Bag Chili Mix 8 oz tomato sauce 5 poblano chilis, minced 6 TBSP Sriracha 4 tsp wasabi powder 4tsp habanero sauce 2 tbsp crushed red pepper 2 tsp ancho chili powder 2 tsp cayanne powder Directions your tap (16 oz). Mix thoroughly while adding our large packet of seasonings. Let simmer overnight in a crock pot. think of stew, as a general rule, I think of the stew one sees in every medieval movie, ever. There’s invariably an iron kettle brimming with meat and potatoes simmering in the backdrop of any medieval period piece, and that or roast meat are usually the only things you see eaten, along with bread. That, I’ve learned, is known as hunter’s stew, perpetual stew, and hobo stew, and it sounds like it’s a gigantic Santa Claus bag of awesome. Basically, this type of stew, which was extremely common er got emptied- as it was consumed, more random shit was thrown in- whatever meats, veggies, or tubers they had lying around got chopped up and used. This is why stews are so fucking cool- you can use endless variations, and the quality of the meat is inconsequential because even the toughest, stringiest cuts of meat are rendered tender by the slow-cooking process. Though that description likely conjures up images of hulking, brutish, unwashed and bloody men Page 77


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at the top of their lungs, that type of a meal would have been just as common in the medieval era as it was in the Roman, the pre-Roman era of the Scythians, the early 20th century, and even in modern Iceland, Japan, Hungary, and elsewhere in non-Americanized countries. In fact, the stew-grain-alcohol combination of the medieval era was used with great success by the Saxon Trio of the early 20th Century and is the mainstay of the sumos and Russian strongmen- a healthy reikishi may drink up to six pints of beer at a midday meal (Scott), Saxon was apparently “weaned on beer” (he once drank 50 beers pre-performance) and ate a tremendous amount of stew and soup (Inch) and still perform, and everyone who’s ever lifted in Russia has some tale of drunken deseems to have arisen right out of the Middle Ages, as stew was referred to as “companaticum”(‘that which goes with the bread’) and was thus nearly invariably served with booze and bread (Wiki). If you’re curious, I managed to rustle up a medieval stew recipe to give you an idea of what it was those fuckers had bubbling away in a cauldron awaiting the return of King Arthur and his men. The following recipe comes from a book that might be more aptly titled 700 Years of Culinary Failure, but the author instead went with 700 Years of English Cooking, which while accurate lacks the descriptive necessary to warn the reader of the culinary disasters bound within the pages of the book. Medieval Spiced Beef Stew Serves 6-8 Ingredients 1.5kg lean braising steak, chopped into bite-size chunks Oil for frying 1/2 tsp ground cinnamon 1/4 tsp ground mace 1/8 tsp (small pinch) ground cloves 4 black peppercorns, crushed 1/2 tsp cardamom pods, crushed and green pods discarded 900ml beef stock 50g stale wholemeal bread, torn into small pieces 3 tbsp cider vinegar Pinch of saffron threads Directions 1. of oil and place over a medium high heat. Add the beef in batches and fry, stirring occasionally, Page 78


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until browned. 2. Return any browned beef to the pan with its juices. Add the spices, onion and parsley with a splash of the stock and fry, stirring frequently and scrapping up the crusty layer from the bottom of the pan with a wooden spoon, for about 5 minutes until the onions have started to soften. Add the rest of the stock with a pinch of salt and bring to a gentle boil. Cover, reduce the heat to low and simmer for 2 hours, until the beef is tender. 3. Meanwhile, soak the bread in the vinegar with the saffron. Stir into the stew and simmer, uncovered, for about 20 minutes until the bread has broken down and the stew is thick. Taste and season with salt and freshly ground black pepper. Serve with bread and buttered green vegetables, garnished with chopped fresh parsley. Obviously, that’s one stout ass meat soup. While it’s not really fatty enough to be considered fully keto, you could diet for a bodybuilding show on this stew and show up grainier than a cameraphone pic from 2001. Additionally, cinnamon isn’t just a dessert spice- it’s used a hell of a lot in mon’s inclusion into any meal is usually a good idea, as cinnamon confers a variety of health beneyeast infections in those sad sacks who’ve picked up the HIV on a trip to Thailand or their local bathhouse. As such, this stew is pretty much the ideal thing for anyone to eat from time to time, hell of a postworkout meal.

Macedonian Stew Frankly, the Macedonians have done exactly fuckall since conquering much of the known world, but as a former title holder in the World Domination Championships, their food deserves some mention. As for sporting events since then, they’ve only been a country since 1996 (they were part of former Yugoslavia, and prior to that part of the Bulgarian Empire), but have pulled down a number of medals in Olympic wrestling in spite of the fact that their country is essentially six people standing around a goat in the ass-end of Bulgaria. Though I didn’t even know there was a such a thing as Macedonian cuisine prior to researching this, a restaurant in Indianapolis is famous for their stew, which is of course Macedonian- John’s Famous Stew in Indianapolis. The stew, which is called Turli Tava, is supposed to be the balls, and you can make it considerably hotter (as the Macedonians are wont to do) by adding a bunch of Hungarian wax peppers. Quite frankly, I have never had a Hungarian dish I found the least bit spicy and could rinse my s with the juice from Hungarian wax peppers, but Macedonians apparently love ‘em and think Page 79


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they’re capable of rendering stew spicy. That aside, cranking up the heat on your stew is a damn mation with decent potency, and prevent cancer with indeterminate potency” (Examine.com). If you’re more inclined to use horseradish or wasabi, that works as well, as the isothiocyanates that make the brassica family spicy inhibits cancer growth. As such, you should do as the Macedonians consult the following complete list of people who do not like spicy foods: • Pregnant women • Breastfeeding mothers • Menstruating women • Women on menopause • Children • Old People As Maddox says, “this is a complete list of people who do not like spicy foods,so if you don’t like spicy food, you must one of the above listed. Animals, old people, and children can’t read, so I guess that makes you a bitch” (Maddox 68-69). Turli Tava Preheat oven to 400. Ingredients 1 pound of mixed meat – pork and beef – cut in chunks for stew Sea salt freshly ground black pepper 1 medium onion, peeled and roughly chopped 3 cloves of garlic, minced 2 medium potatoes, peeled and roughly chopped 2 medium carrots, peeled and roughly chopped 1 medium eggplant, stem removed and roughly chopped 2 red or green bell peppers, stems and seeds removed, roughly chopped 1 large tomato, roughly chopped 1 1/2 cups of okra, tops and tails cut off, blanched in salted water for 1 minute, rinsed and drained (if unavailable replace with green beans) 1 tablespoon paprika salt and pepper to taste 1/4 cup olive oil 1/2 cup water Parsley, roughly chopped to garnish Directions 1. Season veal, pork and chicken with salt and pepper and set inside the clay dish. 2. Mix in the vegetables. Page 80


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3. Season with paprika, salt, and pepper. 4. Add in the olive oil and water; mix well. 5. Put it in the oven and cook it uncovered for 1 hour and 30 minutes, stirring occasionally. 6. Garnish with parsley. 7. Let cool for 20 minutes then serve it warm with crusty bread. Utensils not needed- this stuff is chunky enough to eat with your hands or chunks of bread, just the way Conan would have done it.

Bulgarian Stew Provided you’re an adult human being who lifts weights and does not have their head jammed so far up your own ass that you know what your own duodenum tastes like, the Bulgarians require no introduction. Given the spate of prolapsed rectum gobbling I’ve noted (with pleasure) on various porn sites, I suppose I might as well introduce them anyway. Long known as the swarthy asshole of Eastern Europe, Bulgaria emerged as an Olympic wrestling and weightlifting powerhouse under the benevolent eye of the Soviets. No country has amassed medals in those respective sports as have the Bulgarians, a people as un-numerous as they are un-hirsute. Culturally, the Bulgarians are cians, one of the only Greek nations to stand with the Spartans at Thermopylae, hailed from what and South Slavs (the rest of whom eventually ended up as Yugoslavia) to comprise the population the dinner table as a Bulgarian favorite-Monastery gyuvetch. Monastery Gyuvetch Ingredients 2 lbs beef 4 tomatoes, chopped 1/2 lbs mushrooms 1 cup rice 1 onion, chopped Page 81


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15 olives, whole a bunch of parsley 2 tbsp vegetable oil 1 tbsp butter 1 tbsp sugar 2 1/2 cups beef stock black pepper, paprika and salt Directions 1. Cut the beef into cubes or small pieces and fry in a pan with a little oil for about 5 minutes or until brown. 2. Add the onions, beef stock and paprika, 5 minutes later add the mushrooms and rice and simmer for about 15 minutes. 3. Add the tomatoes, salt to taste, butter, sugar and olives, and cook for another 5 minutes. Preheat oven to 400F. 4. Transfer the content of the pan into a baking dish and cook for about 30 minutes. Sprinkle with parsley and pepper before serving. 5. Or you could sprinkle that with some parsley and pepper before eating.

Maori Stew of you who are unaware, the Maori are some of the hardest motherfuckers to ever walk the Earth, and earned their massive statures from a diet so meat-heavy that they eventually turned to cannibalism to supplement their diets after hunting most of the animals in New Zealand to extinction. When I say “massive” this is of course relative- the average Maori male was about 5’8” prior to colonization, which was considerably taller than Europeans of the time, and were much more heavily Page 82


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muscled, as the average Maori was generally between 170 and 200 lbs. Replete with a shitload of badass tattoos and more bludgeoning weapons than one would like to see in hulking, heavily muscled natives in a tropical paradise they wish to conquer, the Maori were the last major indigenous group to fall to European colonization, holding out until the mid 19th Century after eating more Europeans than a French cunnilingus specialist. As it is everywhere else I’ve mentioned, the mainstay of the Maori diet was stew- in this case, the Maori Boil-Up. Unlike many of the other stews I’ve thus far outlined, the Maori Boil up is interestingly Zone-ish- it’s almost exactly 33% protein, 33% fat, and 33% carbohydrates. Given that it’s still the mainstay of Maori cuisine and the fact that the All Blacks dominate rugby harder than Max hardcore dominates skinny chicks’ tonsils, it stands to reason we could all stand to get a little Zone in our lives and rock this stew like it’s Infant Annihilator’s full length- all the live long day. Maori Boil-Up (with pork tenderloin, though traditional recipes generally use pork bones and pork neck added to the broth) Servings: 6 Ingredients 4 cups chicken broth 2 cups water 1 lb pork tenderloin 2 bunches watercress 1 large kumara, peeled and chopped (sweet potato) 1/2 large onion, peeled and chopped 3 green onions, sliced 6 cherry tomatoes 1 teaspoon salt 1 tablespoon fresh cilantro, chopped (optional) Doughboys 3 tablespoons unsalted butter, in pea sized pieces 1 teaspoon baking powder 1 pinch salt 1 pinch sugar 1/4-1/2 cup milk Directions 1. Add stock, water and pork to pot, bring to a boil then cover and simmer for an hour. 2. Soak watercress in cold water for 10 minutes. (This removes bitterness) Squeeze out moisture and break into pieces. Set aside. Page 83


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3. Add kumara, onion, green onion and tomatoes to stock and simmer for 15 minutes. 4. Remove pork and chop into pieces. Return meat to stock and boil for 5 minutes. Add salt and watercress and simmer for 15 minutes. 5. Meanwhile make the doughboys. Cut butter into dry ingredients until it resembles coarse cornmeal. Stir in enough milk to make a stiff, slightly sticky dough. 6. Drop either teaspoon or tablespoon sized amounts of the doughboy mixture into the the boiling pot, cover and cook for about 10-15 minutes. Don’t lift lid while cooking. Larger doughboys will take a bit longer. 7. Serve with a garnish of chopped cilantro.

Welsh Stew When one thinks of Wales, they likely think of an incomprehensible language spoken by hill people who spend their time fucking sheep, if they think of them at all. While that is, I’m told, unequivocally true, the Welsh do have a long history of badassery spanning back to prehistory. According to a 15th century historian, “The ancient Britons being naturally a warlike nation did no doubt for the exercise of their youth in time of peace and to avoid idleness devise games of activity where each man might show his natural prowess and agility, as some for strength of the body by wrestling, lifting of heavy burdens, others for the arm as in casting the bar, sledge, stone, or hurling the bawl or ball, others that excelled in swiftness of foot, to win the praise therein by running, and surely for the exercise of the parts aforesaid this cnapan was prudently invented, had the same continued without abuse thereof ” (Wiki) Cnapan, as it happens, is the forerunner to rugby union, the game at which the Maoris excel. When the Welsh played it, it had few rules, was played by teams numbering over a thousand a side, and often resulted in serious injuries and death. As such, it’s not played anymore, as no insurance company will cover the players. Thus, the Welsh are left with shit like strongman, stone lifting, and Highland games, at all of which they excel. Of the former perhaps Gary Taylor is the most well-known contestant, a six foot, 300 lb behemoth who won the 1993 World’s Strongest Man and who boasts a positively fucking ridiculous behind the neck push Page 84


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press of 600 lbs. The rest of the Welsh are hardly pussies, as they boast some of the toughest manhood stones in the British Isles- the Criccieth [390.5lb] and Ysbyty Ifan [300lb] stones. As I understand it, stew is traditionally the most-consumed food in Wales, and the most popular of the stews is Cawl, so again, we’ve got some bad motherfuckers sucking down stew like it’s cum in a bukkake party. Welsh Cawl Serves six Ingredients 6 x small Welsh lamb shanks 1.2L/2pts water 225g/8oz potatoes, peeled and diced 225g/8oz swede, peeled and diced 225g/8oz onion, peeled and chopped 225g/8oz carrots, peeled and diced 225g/8oz leek, cleaned and sliced thin A bunch of herbs: Bay, thyme, rosemary and parsley ½ a small Savoy cabbage 2tbsp vegetable oil Salt and pepper Directions 1. Heat the vegetable oil in a large pan, season the lamb shanks add to the pan together with the onion and brown all over (you may have to do this in batches if your pan is not large enough. Pour over the water and add the bunch of herbs. Bring to the boil then reduce the heat to a simmer. Cover and cook for 40 minutes. Add all the vegetables except for the cabbage, bring up to the boil again, reduce to a simmer and cook for a further 40 minutes. Shred the cabbage and add to the cawl, cook for about 5 minutes, then serve. 2. Cawl can be made throughout the year, just adjust the vegetables according to the season. Chopped runner bean, broad beans and peas are wonderful during early summer, add a little chopped mint at the end of cooking. 3. During cooking the stock will reduce somewhat, so top up with more water, or some wine. You may also wish to add pulses such as lentils, or beans, pearl barley is also good during the winter months. 4. Substitute lamb with a piece of gammon, just make sure you soak it before cooking. The broth will make an excellent soup, add peas and fresh mint. 5. Serve the gammon with creamed potatoes, broad beans and parsley sauce.

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Next time, we’ll close this one out when we hit up the Senegalese, Croats, Dutch/Belgians/South Africans, and Indians for the stew recipes that made them some of the meanest, baddest, most unforgiving motherfuckers in the gods’ cruel kingdom, and prove once and for all that there’s no food on the fucking planet that confers more badass, muscle building, face melting, cervix displacing nutrition than does a good old-fashioned stew.

STEW-ROIDS FOR THE WIN Before I kick this one off, I’m going to post what I thought was a remarkably succinct observation “I can’t explain why your stew articles have been well received by everyone, but I can explain why I thought they were awesome. I liked the stew articles because they were a rallying cry for a return to simplicity. Many things, I think, have been overcomplicated in recent years, lifting and eating foremost among them. For several decades now we have endured a barrage high protein, “see food,” paleo, keto, blah blah blah. I found some of this interesting, but at the end of the day, I can’t be bothered to actually follow it. For one, I’m not a strength or muscular development level yet that would make any of those things make sense (and some of them don’t make sense to begin with). For another, did any of the strongmen of the past follow diets this restrictive? I would imagine that most of them didn’t. The most common point among all of them, aside from the regular consumption of stew and beer, is the heavy consumption of meat. It seems to me that we would do better to look to the past (or in this to get as big and strong as possible. And besides, while I am certainly aware that too much of them isn’t good for me and while I know others will think differently, personally I am rather fond of some starch and vegetables in my diet. Page 86


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Also, the use of stews as you have described them is appealing on a mental level, and you have talked about the importance of the mental side of lifting many times. These kind of traditional stews connect us to the past. When we devour a bowl of chankonabe we can imagine in ourselves a kinship with the massive sumo; when eating kjotsupa for or medieval spiced beef stew, we can imagine ourselves as the kin of burly, stone-lifting, sword-swinging barbarian warriors; when eating borscht we can imagine a connection to gigantic Russian and Ukrainian badasses who are as strong as the ox that went into that borscht; when eating monastery gyuvetch we can recall Bulgaria’s impressive accomplishments in weightlifting; when we eat Hungarian goulash, we can recall the history of Hungarian badassery, starting from Attila through the Magyars down all the way to their success at wrestling and weightlifting that seems out of proportion to their population and their national wealth; when we feast on a bowl of khoresht, we can do so thinking that the legendary Rostam e Dastan ate the same thing before striding forth to do something epic. By recalling the past, whether it is our own or someone else’s, we can better imagine what kind of future we will build. A man with no past does not know who he is. If he does not know who he is, how can he be expected to act intelligently? Western lifters are like that. We don’t know who we are anymore. Our ties with our past is frayed. We do not have a very strong national lifting culture. There are localized instances of strength culture, but even these are not thriving as well as we might wish. We must build up a culture that celebrates strength, for its own sake and for use, while at the same time recalling to mind the strength cultures of the past; indeed, we cannot build new ones without ing the old ones.” Whether or not it’s correct, it’s certainly one of the more well-written and thoughtful emails I’ve ever received. Had I known initially how popular this series would be, I’d have been writing about stews since I started this blog. Apparently, people could not love a human baby as much as they love stew, even in the middle of the summer. I live in Satan’s Taint, South Carolina, for instance, and eat stew daily in spite of the fact that it’s so hot that my dog appears to just be looking for a place to lay down and die when we go for walks and the air is so thick with humidity you can ball it up and eat the shit. When wintertime rolls around, I doubt there’ll be anything better than stew to cold, and have thus given up on reheating it while it’s hot so as not to drop dead of heat exhaustion while eating. Fact: Viking women were occasionally impregnated by nothing more than a handshake, so virile were the men after eating Norse stews.

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As we’ve seen thus far, pretty much ever corner of the Earth has a stew dish that’s immensely popular, and as I mentioned in the last installment, the best thing of all about stew is that you can make it out of just about anything. Thus, I’ve been experimenting a bit with some simple stews one can make without going to much, if any effort. One such stew (which is delicious cold, I might add) is of the ingredients. Jamie’s Jesus Fuck, I’m Lazy Stew Serves: 3 Ingredients 1 lb browned stew meat 1/6 bag Beef Flavored 15 Bean Soup 1 can Progresso Beef Barley Soup 1 can Progresso Lentil and Andoulle Soup Directions Soak beans overnight in water. Drain the water after soaking (this gets rid of the lectins and other nasty shit in beans). Brown the meat in a pan with a bit of oil, seasoning liberally with mojo, chipotle, curry, and adobo. Dump meat and drippings into crock put with everything else. Simmer for a few hours Nutrition per serving Protein: 46g Fat: 15.8 Carbs: 43.7g Fiber: 11.98g Clearly, it gets no fucking easier than that, and given that it tastes badass cold, there’s no reason not to just bring this shit everywhere you go. I’ve more or less abandoned shakes of late out of boredom with them and love of eating real food, and the simplicity of stew’s prep and ease of its transport makes my life immeasurably better. One more day of 6 protein shakes and I was going not that misplaced- in the last 6 months I’ve discovered that there is a considerable portion of the population who cannot even address a fucking envelope, which makes me feel like we need a few horse it is. If there’s anyone out there who remains unconvinced that stew’s fucking magical, nothing on Earth will do so at this point. Page 88


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Croatian Stew For the unaware or uninitiated, one might think that the Croats have about as much to do with awesome as a dairy cow has to do with Hubble Telescope repair. Though they’ve had some unseemly anger management issues in recent years, the Croats have been hard motherfuckers since time immemorial. Beginning as the Alans, one of the Sarmatian tribes that drove the man-eating, scalp-taking Scythians out of existence and dominated all of southern Russia from China to the Ukraine. In the early part of the 1st century AD, the Alans controlled the Sarmatian confederation and fucked every group of sword-waving lunatics the ancient world had to offer in the ear on a daily basis, wrecking the Parthians for fun and annoying the Romans as a matter of course. Later, they moved into what’s now known as Croatia and managed to impress everyone around them enough to get the massive empires between whom they were wedged to leave them alone just by baring Having established the Croats come from a long line of hard people, you need only look to three modern Croats for proof of the power of their stew- Joseph Tito, tho only man to tell Stalin to Antonio, one of the coolest and most insane strongmen of whom you’ve never heard but who you their awesome, and of their love for “Jota”, the stew-roids source of Croatian physical prowess. Croatian Jota Serves 4 Ingredients 200g beans 500g sauerkraut 300g potatoes 500g dried ribs 200g dried bacon few chopped home made pork sausages 3 heads of garlic salt Whole peppercorn 2 fresh bay leaves (which apparently prevents bean farts) Directions 1. Cook the beans shortly, dry them, and let them cook again. 2. Cook cabbage and ribs separately. 3. When beans are half soft, add them (witht he water) to cabbage and ribs. Page 90


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Add Laurel leaves, pepper, salt, and chopped bacon,sausages, and garlic. Slice the potato to little cubes and cook it until it all softens. Take out the ribs and serve them on side with the stew.

This is a 4 person serving, but women apparently rarely eat meat and ribs and most often leave it for men to grab, which sucks for the broads but is awesome for the guys hanging out with them. On second thought, given that this is what Croatian broads look like, they can keep ing us the meat:

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Indian Stew Anyone familiar with my stuff should already be acquainted with the badassery of the Indian athletes of yore. Indian wrestlers were renown for being unbeatable in the last century, and their strongmen in the 19th and early 20th Centuries were some of the best in the world. Though it’s not frequently discussed, a quick watch of Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations Indian episodes or my blog on Indian diet shows that meat has been a mainstay of the Indian diet right up until the modern era (not surprisingly, this coincides exactly with the period when they started getting their shit pushed in by colonialists), and continues to be so for the biggest and the baddest motherfuckers in India. Thus, I give you the most popular of India’s meat stews (at least insofar as I understand it)- vindaloo. Chicken Vindaloo Servings: 4-6 Ingredients Vindaloo Paste 1 tsp ground cumin 1 tsp ground turmeric 1 or 2 tsp Garam Masala 1/4 tsp ground cinnamon (you can add more cinnamon, but if can be over-powering, so be careful) 2 tsp mustard powder 1 tsp ground coriander 1 tsp cayenne pepper 2cm cube of peeled ginger 3 tbsp white wine vinegar 1 tsp sugar Vindaloo Base 150ml vegetable oil 4-8 garlic cloves, crushed or blended Other Ingredients de-seed before chopping if you want to make a milder vindaloo (but why?) 4 skinless chicken breasts cut into bite size pieces 500g good quality chopped tomatoes or chopped tinned tomatoes 1-2 tbsp of tomato puree to taste 1-4 tsp Hot Chili Powder to taste – This is optional and if you do want to make it hotter, I’d suggest adding a bit at a time Salt and pepper to taste Page 92


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Directions 1. garam masala and cayenne pepper into a bowl and add the vinegar and sugar and mix thoroughly. 2. Heat the oil in a wok or large frying pan. Add the garlic and the onion and cook over a medium heat until they have softened for approx 5-7 mins, but take care not to let them burn or brown too much. 3. Once the onion and garlic have softened, add the chicken pieces and cook for approx 2-3 minutes until the chicken starts to colour. 4. Now add the chillies, tomatoes, tomato purée, and begin to stir in the pre-prepared Vindaloo paste. 5. Add salt and pepper to taste, and bring to the boil. Once boiling, lower the heat and simmer whilst stirring occasionally for approx 1 hour. during this period, it’s important not to let the chicken vindaloo dry out, so add a 1/2 cup of water as necessary. If you do want to make it hotter than the recipe, then during the simmering time is the right time to gradually add the chilli powder to taste. If you wanted to be traditional, you would ideally serve this Chicken Vindaloo with pilau rice, chapattis, or Naan bread – I especially like some of the Garlic and Coriander Naan’s that are available from most supermarkets, although if you were a bit more adventurous, you could try to make your own.

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Dutch/South African/Belgian Stew Before the Dutch just decided to throw down their weapons and surrender to anyone with a water gun (as they have been wont to do of late), they actually rolled fairly hard. Not hard in a Cossack sort of way, but hard in a lording-intelligence-over-everyone-while-pointing-a-.44 Magnum-attheir-faces-and-telling-some-broad-to-get-her-tongue-further-up-their-ass-or-everyone-dies sort of way. The Belgians and Dutch have long had good bodybuilders and strongmen, and the South Africans have rolled hard at everything they’ve ever done, ever. Dutchmen Ab Wolders, for instance, was a perennial runner up at the World’s Strongest Man in the 1980s, and Pierre Van Den Steen blew everyone around the same time away with his ridiculous leanness. South Africa boasts Gerrit Badenhorst, frequent WSM competitor and former champion powerlifter, in addition to Arnold Schwarzennegger’s idol- former champion bodybuilder and all around badass Reg Park. Clearly, anyone speaking Dutch or an offshoot thereof has a reasonable chance of being a hard motherfucker, especially when one factors in such badasses as the Rhodesian Seleous Scouts and SAS. Their stewroid of choice was Waterzooi, which might be the oddest of all of the stews thus detailed due to the fact that it’s pretty much a meat-heavy cream soup. Waterzooi Ingredients 1 whole large chicken 4 carrots 3 celery stalks 4 shallots or small onions Parsley 1 sprig fresh thyme 1 bay leaf Salt and freshly ground black pepper 2 leeks 400 grams mushrooms (about 14 ounces) 4 egg yolks 1 cup cream 1 lemon, juiced 2 tablespoon butter Pinch nutmeg Directions Preparation for the stock: 1. Place the chicken in a pot of water, covering the chicken entirely. 2. Add 2 carrots, 2 celery stalks, and 1 onion, cut into approximately 1-inch pieces. 3. Add parsley, thyme and a bay leaf and poach until chicken is cooked. Add salt and pepper, to taste. Page 94


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Preparation of the stew: 1. Cut the remaining carrots, celery, onions into 1-inch sticks and place them in a saucepan with water to cover. 2. Cut the leeks into 1-inch sticks, slice the mushrooms and add to saucepan. 3. Parboil vegetables in salted water. 4. Take out the chicken when poached (no red color must be seen under the skin) and discard vegetables from stock. 5. 6. Take the skin off of the chicken and cut chicken into 8 pieces. 7. Put the chicken and the parboiled vegetables into the stock. 8. Mix the egg yolks with the cream and add to the stock. 9. Add the lemon juice and butter. Season with salt, pepper and nutmeg. Serve in soup plates with boiled potatoes or white steamed rice.

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Senegalese Stew likely we imagine two half-starved thirteen year-olds blabbering bullshit about Allah while committing numerous atrocities as part of a daily ritual to lay hands on a bag of moldy rice. Though neither the introduction of Islam or Western colonization has done a motherfucking thing other than make the lives of Africans immeasurably worse, they’ve managed to hold on to some of the so fucking cool back in the day. One such tradition is Senegalese wrestling, known in Senegal as laamb, which is by far and away the most popular sport in the country and has recently drawn the attention of the West. As you can see above, the lack of modern training facilities isn’t hurting the physiques of the Senegalese, and their strength is attributed to brutal basic training and the dish the most commonly consumed dish in Senegal and is the preferred fuel for the hours-daily training for laamb. Senegalese Thieboudienne / Ceebu Jenn Serves: 8-12 Ingredients 3 Tilapia cleaned and cut into 4 pieces each 3 bay leaves 1 tablespoon of thyme 2 tablespoon of Afro Fusion Cuisines’ All Purpose Seasoning 4 ounces of tomato paste 3 lb broken rice (broken one once or twice) 1 cup of oil salt , black pepper Vegetables of your choices 2 large carrots root cut into 4 inches pieces 1 eggplant root cut into 4 inches pieces 1 cassava or yucca root cut into 4 inches pieces 3 okra Instructions 1. Page 96


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2. Prepare the special marinade called “Nokoss” by mixing in a blender all your spices and herbs 3. 4. Parboil or steam your rice and set aside 5. onion, tomato paste and plum tomatoes (cook for 5-7mn stirring) . 6. 7. blend 8. 9. Then remove from the sauce the cooked veggies and add it to the plate. 10. Add the pre-cooked or steamed broken rice to the boiling sauce 11. of your rice. Your Thieboudienne is ready!

Nigerian Stew Like Senegal, Nigeria’s got a tribal sport that make the violent games we grew up with, like Kill the Cow, for instance, look as violent as a no-touch game of pattycake- dambe. Dudes who compete in dambe throw more haymakers than drunken hillbillies at a Kenny Chesney concert, and just like those hillbillies throw them with just one hand. In fact, a quick google search appears to show that remove someone’s head Mortal Kombat-style with a punch telegraphed from 1880’s London. After watching a couple of videos, the parallels between hillbillies and dambe end, because while hillbilless, any sport in which the participants rock out Art “One Glove” Jimmerson style as if they’re guessed it- motherfucking stew. Nigerian Beef and Chicken Stew Serves 10 Fresh Plum Tomatoes (referred to as Jos Tomatoes in Nigeria) – 1.5kg Tinned tomato paste: 600g (or watery tinned Tomato Puree: 1.2kg) Vegetable Oil: a generous amount (see this video) Page 97


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Whole Chicken (hen) – 1.2kg Beef: 15 pieces of medium cuts Onions: 2-3 medium bulbs Habanero Pepper & Salt (to taste) Seasoning: 3 large stock cubes & Thyme (2 teaspoons) Notes on the Ingredients • Chicken: Hen (female chicken) is tastier than the cockerel or rooster so it is the preferred chicken when cooking all Nigerian recipes. Each of the different parts of the chicken (wings, drumsticks, hips etc) has its own unique taste and all these together makes the stew (and in fact all your cooking) taste better than if you use only one part of a chicken. • Tomato Stew is fresh puree tomato and the tinned tomato paste that has been boiled and fried to remove all traces of water and the sour taste of tomatoes. It is the base for the Nigerian Beef & Chicken Stew. Directions for the Tomato Stew Base 1. Grind / Blend the chilli pepper and cut the onions into small pieces before you cook Tomato Stew 2. Wash and blend the fresh plum tomatoes. to remove the seeds unless you are sure your blender can grind them very well. 3. If using the thick tinned tomato paste that is common in Nigeria, mix it with cold water to get a softer consistency. See the video below for how I did this. 4. If you are using the watery tinned tomato puree that is common in Europe and other parts of the world, open the tins or packets and set these aside, you’ll need them soon. 5. Cut the onions into small pieces. Directions for the rest 1. Pour the fresh tomato blend into a pot and cook at high heat till almost all the water has dried. If you have the watery tinned/boxed tomato puree, add these to the pot and reduce the heat to low. Cook till the water in the tomato puree have dried as much as possible. 2. Add the vegetable oil, the chopped onions and the thick tomato puree that you mixed in step 2 above (if it’s the puree you are using). Stir very well. 3. Fry at very low heat and stir at short intervals till the oil has completely separated from the the oil and it was a smooth mix of the tomato puree and oil. Taste the fried tomato puree to make sure that the raw tomato taste is gone. With time and experience, you can even tell that the tomato puree is well fried from the aroma alone. 4. If you are happy with the taste and you are sure that all the water has dried as much as possible, pour out the excess vegetable oil like I did in this video, then use it in your cooking. 5. If you are not using it immediately, leave to cool down, dish in containers and store in the freezer. 6. Cut up the chicken and cook with half of the chopped onions, stock cubes and thyme. Page 98


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When the chicken is almost done, add the beef and cook till well done. Then add salt, allow to simmer for about 5 minutes, transfer to a sieve to drain. Grill or fry the chicken and beef. This is optional but it gives them a rich golden look. Notes about cooking the chicken: Add water up to the level of the contents of the pot when cooking the chicken. When cooking chicken, do not add salt to the raw chicken. This is because salt closes the pores of the chicken (and in fact anything you are cooking), this prevents the natural entering the chicken to improve the taste. The result is that your chicken stock will not have a rich done 7. When you are happy that the tomatoes in your tomato stew are well-fried, pour out the excess oil. 8. Place the pot of tomato stew back on the stove and add the chicken stock (water from cooking the chicken). There may be tiny pieces of bones at the bottom so be careful not to add those. 9. Add the chilli pepper and the grilled chicken and beef. Stir very well and add salt if necessary. You can also add some water at this point if the stew is too thick. 10. Cover the pot and cook at medium heat till the contents of the pot is well steamed. Stir again and you are done.

Korean Stew Though they’re not all that well known for being jacked or strong, Koreans eat burn-your-assholespicy soups and stews for almost every single meal. Given that they’re chugging stewroids all the live-long day, it won’t surprise you that Koreans are not the tiny yellow pussies they’re generally credited with being. Instead, Koreans have a long lineage of being hard motherfuckers, as Korea for their entire existence to ensure that neither country was able to force them into a massive gimp suit and rape them with a horse dick-sized dildo until they’re bleeding out of their eyes. To that end, the Koreans have focused more on martial prowess than strength, and have become some K-1 and the UFC, boast the unbelievably badass Mas Oyama as one of their own, and have pulled down a shitload of medals in judo (40), taekwondo (14), boxing (20), wrestling (35), and weightlifting (11), in spite of the fact their country has only 49 million inhabitants and has only existed as a Page 99


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country since 1948 (which means they’ve basically got twice as many medals in those sports as the US when you for longevity and population). Stew appears, once more, to be the nutritional formula for success if you want to be a fucking badass. Given the frequency with which they eat stew, it’s hard to pick a single recipe for their stewroid of choice. As such, I’m picking my favorite, as I could not love a human baby as much as I love bulgogi. In fact, I will only consider myself wealthy when and if I can hire a Korean man to follow me everywhere i go with a hibachi, constantly grilling bulgogi for my consumption. Bulgogi Jungol Serves: 4 Ingredients 2 cups marinated bulgogi 1 onion, cut into strips 2 scallions, chopped Carrots, cut into strips 1/2 cup bean sprouts Other bite-sized vegetables (preferable colorful) like peppers and broccoli 1 cup water 1 cup mushrooms of your choice (enoki, shiitake, button or a combination) 1 block tofu Salt or soy sauce to taste Noodles, cellophane/dangmyun/sweet potato (optional) Directions 1. In a soup pot or a large wok, stir fry marinated bulgogi and onion(s) for a couple minutes. Put ALL the marinade into the pot, do not discard any liquid. 2. Add vegetables (except for mushrooms) and cover with water. 3. Bring to a boil. 4. Reduce to a low simmer. 5. After 5 minutes, add mushrooms, tofu, and scallions. 6. Turn off after 3-4 minutes. 7. Season to taste with salt and soy sauce. 8. If adding noodles, add cellphane (dangmyun) with the mushrooms or add pre-cooked noodles at the end.

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And there you have it- stew is the fucking balls. It’s easy to make, easy to transport, and generally the shit. Like the guy who emailed me stated above, most people make diet and training way too fucking complicated. You don’t need a calculator or an Excel spreadsheet to get jacked. You don’t need gurus telling you what to do, how to eat, or what to think- this shit is too fucking simple. If you’re a person who really needs guidelines because you’re nearly retarded, eat twice your bodyweight in protein, make those calories half your daily intake, and if you want to lean out, keep your carbs low and fats high. If you want to gain weight, split your calories between carbs and fats for the second half of your caloric intake and eat more total calories. It’s not as though Arthur Saxon or Earle Liederman delved deep into programming and diet- they trained heavy, ate a metric fuckton of food (including a lot of stew), and drank their faces off, just like the Russians, Finns, sumo, and Icelanders do now. Moreover, if the Indians and Senegalese can get jacked in third world environments with this type of diet, so can you. Stop thinking about it and just do it- this shit is too simple to fuck up.

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“This is true: the world is better off with some people gone. Our lives are not all interconnected. That theory is crock. Some people truly do VEGETARIANISM/VEGANISM Given that I’ve already dealt with veganism in my “Skinny Bitch” blog, I’d think that vegans would stay the fuck out of my blog, but evidently, that’s not the case. Disliking meat is un-American, inhuman, and downright fucking stupid. For the record, my issue is not with vegans due to their choice of diets, which while stupid, could simply be the result of a misunderstanding of the human being’s place in the food chain, and an odd, quasi-sexual love for other animals. My issue lies with their insistence upon proselytizing their idiotic eating regimen, and the perpetuation of outright lies in regards to human biology, the biology of other great apes, physiology, the entire process of digestion, and human evolution. As such, allow me to clarify a few points. Veganism is the outgrowth of the incredibly delusional, anti-sex, anti-fun, evangelical Christian movements of the 19th century. Seventh Day adventists promoted vegetarian and This, on it’s face, is fucking stupid. They’ve since dropped their religious zealotry and applied that wild-eyed fervor to promoting their dogmatism, in the face of science and reality in general. Some common vegan/vegetarian lies: A simple google search will show that for all intents and purposes, Pearl and Reeves consumed diets that consisted mostly of milk and cheese. Pearl ate a couple of dozen eggs a day. Reeves ate meat weak to perform. Really? If you don’t see that this is patently untrue on its face, you might be mentally retarded. “The total time it takes for a meal to take the entire journey depends on what was eaten. The time it takes to fully digest a meal is anywhere from 2 hours to over 24 hours.” (http://www.online-health-source.info/Digestive-System/Intro-To-The-Human-Digestive-System/) We’ve known for an extended period of time that meat does not putrefy in one day- in fact, meat takes nearly a month to rot. This one is classic, and by classic, I mean insanely fucking retarded. “Like the hard-core carnivores, we have fairly simple digestive systems well suited to the consumption of animal protein, which breaks down quickly. Contrary to what your magaPage 102


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zine article says, the human small intestine, at 23 feet, is a little under eight times body length (assuming a mouth-to-anus “body length” of three feet). This is about midway between cats (three times body length), dogs (3-1/2 times), and other well-known meat eaters on the one hand and plant eaters such as cattle (20 to 1) and horses (12 to 1) on the other. This tends to the idea that we are omnivores. Herbivores also have a variety of specialized digestive organs capable of breaking down and even plant eaters have to take their time with it. If you were a ruminant (cud eater), for instance, you might have a stomach with four compartments, enabling you to cough up last night’s alfalfa and chew on it all over again. Or you might have an enlarged cecum, a sac attached to the intestines, where rabbits and such store food until their intestinal bacteria have time to do their stuff. Digestion in such cases takes place by a process of fermentation--bacteria actually “eat” the cellulose and the host animal consumes what results, namely bacteria dung.” (Straight Dope) You know why dogs are man’s best friend? Because their digestive tract is more like our own than any other animal on Earth. As such, humans and dogs naturally found themselves competing for the same food, and developed a symbiosis to do so. By the way, evolutionary scientists draw a direct link between meat eating and expansion of homo sapiens’ brain size- “ was this new meat diet, full of densely-packed nutrients, that provided the catalyst for human evolution, particularly the growth of the brain, said Katharine Milton, an authority on primate diet. Without meat, said Milton, it’s unlikely that proto humans could have secured enough energy and nutrition from the plants available in their African environment at that time to evolve into the active, sociable, intelligent creatures they became. Receding forests would have deprived them of the more nutritious leaves and fruits that forest-dwelling primates survive on, said Milton. Her thesis complements the discovery last month by UC Berkeley professor Tim White and others that early human species were butchering and eating animal meat as long ago as 2.5 million years. Milton’s article integrates dietary strategy with the evolution of human physiology to argue that meat eating was routine. It is published this month in the journal “Evolutionary Anthropology” (Vol.8, #1)” (University of California, Berkeley)” (Adams). Just because you can do something does not necessarily mean you should. Some fucking retard posted a pic of a single jacked guy who’s been a vegetarian for a few years. Yippee. He managed, against all odds, to build muscle on a vegan diet. That’s not to say that it’s a good idea, or a good diet. Peter the Great once drank a shot of vodka every 15 minutes for 8 days straight and somehow lived through it. Shall we attempt that one as well? Frankly, I’d rather do just fucking that.

VEGETARIANISM AND VEGANISM: The Best Indicators of Severe Mental Illness Since the Tinfoil Hat When I lived in Tucson, I was entertained on my daily walk to and from class everyday by a woman who seems to have been the perverse conjuring of HG Wells and Charles Dickens, and then basted in a delicious Alex Jones-esque broth of irrationality. The woman, whose name I never obtained, Page 103


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spent her days not panhandling, and not even badgering ersby, but actually screaming at them than any of the douchetards on Jersey Shore, and wore a curious amalgamation of actual clothing and random street detritus that would not have seemed out of place in one the Road Warrior. The best part, however, was her hair, which was thickly matted dreadlocks that had been spray painted a rainbow of colors, and then braided with tinfoil. I realize that at this point, the woman sounds impossibly absurd, but there she was, every day on University Ave., screaming at stop signs, or anyone standing in front of her. When she was coherent, which was remarkably infrequent, I’d ask her questions. One day, I gave her a dollar, and made her promise me that she’d spend it on crack. She like they’re preparing to gnaw your fucking leg off), replied that one couldn’t buy much crack with a dollar (an astute observation), and stated that she intended to buy green beans. I mentioned that she could get a burger from Carl’s Jr. up the street if she had some change, but she replied that she was a vegetarian. You could have knocked me over with a feather. I would think that a person used to eating refuse eating thereafter, which disabused me of my previously held notions about the homeless. I mentioned that meat could hardly be worse for her than the shit she was absorbing from all of the paint on her scalp, but she simply cackled again and stomped off. She was, I assure you, the most formidable vegetarian of all time- fuck Mac Danzig. I would posit, however, that after meeting a variety of vegetarians and vegans, she’s likely not the least sane of the lot, and probably closer to the mean than the outliers of this ridiculous and thoroughly insane sect of deluded dieters. Luckily, after screaming at a group of tourists while quite literally foaming at the mouth, she threw a metal trashcan through a storefront and promptly got the shit kicked out of her by Tucson PD, and I never saw her again. If only that was a microcosm of the vegetarian community, and they were all locked A History of Vegetarianism in the Western World Obviously, vegetarianism’s been around awhile in the East, since the Right-Hand Path fuckers in Buddhism and Hinduism have been studiously avoiding meat for millennia. They didn’t blather on just stayed up in the mountains meditating, too weak to annoy anyone. Thus, I shall focus on those who’ve badgered, cajoled, and berated us Westerners through the years, somehow managing to convince people that their diet is both healthy and ethical, the absurdity of which I shall address later in this post. The root of this particular mental illness arose, oddly, in Christianity, though its roots go back to ancient Greece. Prior to its adoption by Christian zealots, it was the diet popularized by the infamous nutbag Pythagoras, who while awesome with triangles, drowned students for making discoveries he couldn’t while at the same time yammering on about the sacredness of animals’ lives. Yes, Page 104


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even in ancient Greece, vegetarianism was the purview of the completely unhinged. Thereafter, people who were so super pissed for Jesus that they wanted to starve half to death got in on the game, discontented with the idea of someone suffering more for another god. For those of you about to be fulled with righteous indignation, I’m not laying this at the feet of your Jewish messiahit’s his followers who are the fucking idiots. Various Christian sects in the Middle Ages practiced asceticism and vegetarianism, but they were by and large wiped out in short order by Torquemada’s tion again and decided that it must’ve been cool, because pre-Christians did it, and they had central heating, unlike people in the Renaissance (actually, they didn’t know it, but the Romans really did have central heating, about which Western civilization apparently forgot until the 18th and 19th centuries, as they were too busy slaughtering heretics and getting the plague). Vegetarianism wasn’t really all that big a deal in the Renaissance, however, and was pretty much vegetarians as a pioneer of this era is Leonardo Da Vinci, which is pretty fucking amusing, because it’s based on little more than hope. People will try to tell you he was an avowed vegetarian, which is awesome, given that their staunch belief in this “fact” is based on one sentence written about himdrea Corsali, to one of Da Vinci’s patrons, and was not echoed in any other writing by or about Da Vinci. Though the evidence there is about as thin as a monomolecular blade out of a Warhammer book, vegetarians will yell all day long about how the smartest man ever was a vegetarian, but given with a grain of salt. And a steak. Post-Renaissance, the mantle of vegetarianism was taken up by those parties I mentioned before, the religious zealots. Unconvinced that life sucks enough without suffering deprivation that would make modern-day Rwanda seem like a fucking Hedonism cruise ship, these fuckers got busy making life really suck, and decided to deprive themselves of sex, sleep, meat, and leisure time. Oh, I’m not exaggerating, fuckers. The Ephrata Cloister, founded in 1732 by one of the biggest assholes in the entire span of human history, Conrad Beissel, believed just that. Beissel, fuckhead that he was, decided that people were living just a little bit too cushy in an era where smallpox was running ramand established the Cloister in Lancaster, Pa. People living there were sworn to celibacy and vegetarianism, had to sleep on wooden benches with wooden blocks as pillows, and were allowed two 3 hour blocks of sleep a night, interrupted by a two hour period in which they had to go outside and homeless, jobless guy from ancient Mesopotamia who hung out with a whore and got people hamof the way he lived, apparently. Way to think it through, guys. Page 105


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William Cowherd (1763–1816) founded the Vegetarian Society in England in 1809. This is considian Society and IVU). Though you and I would assume that the abstention was simply resultant to the precipitous drop in testosterone suffered by anyone who adopts a vegetarian diet, I guess these morons wanted to hedge their bets. Thereafter, the Seventh-Day Adventists were founded, and they spawned a massive shitshow of vegetarianism that led to the modern vegetarian movement. Foremost among their progeny was Sylvester Graham (July 5, 1794 – September 11, 1851), who advocated a nearly vegan diet consisting of whole grains, fruits, and veggies, and preached abstinence from both sex and masturbation throughout his life. While he did invent Graham crackers, this was the only positive thing the Presbyterian minister did in his short, shitty, sexless life. According to and milk, which he believed to be the cause of sexual urges. In fact, he claimed animal byproducts produced lust; Grahamism thus rejected meat, animal byproducts, and alcohol in order to develop a purer mind and body”, in addition to “white bread, feather beds, pork, tobacco, salt, condiments, tight corsets, nocturnal emissions, heavy clothing, and hot mince pie.” So, the only thing that could help you in a life bereft of meat, masturbation, seasoned food, and sex would be to be so fucking hammered, at all times, that you thought you were dead, but that was out for him as well. Wow. Graham was followed shortly by another Adventist, John Harvey Kellogg (February 26, 1852 – December 14, 1943). Graham’s foundation paid Kellogg’s way through medical school, presumable to foment further interest in removing any and all pleasure from one’s life in an effort to attain a mythical purity of soul. As expected, Kellogg followed in Graham’s footsteps, echoing the same diet and anti-sex, anti-masturbation nonsense. When not prescribing daily yogurt enemas, Kellogg was busy NEVER FUCKING HIS WIFE OF 40 YEARS, giving circumcisions sans anesthetic to teenage boys to curb “unnatural urges” or sewing their foreskins closed, and for the love of fuck, applying pure carbolic acid to the clitoris as a means of allaying “abnormal excitement” in broads. Yes, these are the people who have brought the world vegetarianism. Note, by the way, that they were not vegetarians because they thought it was natural, or because they thought it was necessarily the healthiest way to eat. They ate that way because they either loved animals too much to eat them, or because (ignoring the New Testament altogether... but Christians never cherry-pick verses, do they?) the Jewish God says in Genesis “Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed...to an, but a lack of tangible evidence isn’t stopping the likes of David Icke, Alex Jones, Barbara Boxer, or vegetarians! The best way to kill a vegetarian is to just sit back and watch him (or her in the case of the aforementioned lunatic broad) slowly starve, but alternatively, you could rip the arms off of his fallacious arguments and beat them to death with them.

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In the last installment of this series, I outlined the long and storied history of dietarily-indicated mental illness, which manifests as vegetarianism. The history of vegetarianism in the US is one predicated entirely upon religious fervor, asexuality (or in the case of Kellogg, klismaphilia that left healthy. Alternatively, it was predicated upon a love for all living creatures, which although misplaced, was at least the more rational of the two bases for this dietary regime. Now we’ll examine the modern vegetarians’ vociferous claims about the superiority of their health with this dietary regime, in the face of reality, common sense, and essentially every fact since the dawn of the recorded human word. Though this is the rhetorical equivalent of kicking a quadrapalegic baby, this, like kicking the baby, is simply too much fun up with which to . I refuse to end a sentence with a preposition, no matter how ridiculous it makes the sentence. Vegetarian arguments:

Similarity to other primates, who eat less than 5% of their calories in the form of meat. I’m sure that it goes without saying that this list makes you angry enough to headbutt a dog. As dogs are cool, I’d not advise it, because headbutting dogs generally leads to a massive loss of testosterone points. Unless, of course, it’s a chihuahua or other purse dog, in which case it’s a massive gain of testosterone points if you cook and eat the animal after headbutting it to death. Purse dogs are not dogs, because dogs, by their very nature, capture and kill squirrels. Therefore, if a dog could lose a one-on-one battle with a tree-dwelling rodent, it is not a dog, and may be killed and eaten at will. Similarity to other primates is immaterial, because we diverged from our closest primate relatives millions of years ago. The main feature lacking in the chart above, which is bandied about wholesale by idiot vegetarians the world around, as they’re too fucking weak and lazy to do any research off the internet, and too stupid to engage in any critical thinking, is GUT SIZE. Ever see a gorilla at the zoo? They’re frugivores, which is what we’re allegedly supposed to be, according to the tree-hugging, estrogenic lunatics running every vegetarian website on the planet. Gorillas have gigantic guts, which are necessary for them, due to the fact that all of the vegetation they eat needs to ferment as part of the digestive process. Stomach size is markedly different between us and other great apes- humans’ stomach small intestine, and colon are 10-24%, 56-67%, and 17-23% of total gut volume in humans, while for orangs and chimps it is 17-20%, 23-28%, 52-54% in orangs and chimps, respectively. In other words, they have massive colons to fermentation of vegetation, whereas we have comparatively large stomachs, to digest more meat.(Milton, 100-102) HuPage 107


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mans and chimps split from the same ancestral tree 2.5 million years ago, and spurred on the path to a belly 40% smaller than the mostly vegetarian chimpanzee, and a brain 3 times larger. (Cordain, 38) Thus, even though early hominids had teeth very similar to the modern gorilla (Ungar, 43), modern humans have changed drastically. “There is no more authoritative source on anthropological issues than paleontologist Dr. Richard Leakey, who explains what anyone who has taken an introductory physiology course might have discerned intuitively--that humans are herbivores. Leakey notes that

Post). of affairs that Richard Leakey somehow got caught up in this. Neanderthals unequivocally ate a diet that consisted of virtually nothing but meat- 10000-12000 calories of it a day. They also lacked sharp teeth and claws, but guess what? They didn’t need them, because THEY HAD STONE TOOLS. In fact, hominids have been using tools for over 2 million years- plenty of time for them to develop the requisite biology for the digestion of meat (Science Daily). Neanderthals had even bigger brains than modern humans, which is important due to the fact that their diet was so heavily meat-based, and the metabolic requirements of larger brains would necessitate calorically-dense food consumption, which means they had to eat meat, or they’d fucking die. This is why gorillas are lazy motherfuckers, and exhibit very little social interaction, whereas humans have shit like Facebook, because they honestly believe they need a level of social interaction and personal involvement with near-perfect strangers that would make the world’s greatest narcissists of bygone eras seem comparatively humble (Milton, 104). The adoption of carnivory by Oldowan hominins can be linked directly to the evolution of the hominin brain and social systems, according to Robert Blumenschine, and the very fact that this was facilitated by the use of stone tools distinguishes us from non-human primates, as their lack of tool use limits the usefulness of their predation (Ungar, 167-168).

Plant eating creatures have the longest lifespans. Really? Not according to scientists who study humans. According to scientists at USC, the “meat-adaptive gene”, known as ApoE3, is unique to humans and is a variant of the cholesterol the brain and arteries.” (Futurity) Additionally, the average lifespan of a crocodile is between 50 and 100 years, and whales live up to 200 years... which pretty much just takes an elephant-sized shit on the vegetarian animal lifespan theory. Although vegetarianism and Christianity used to go hand in hand, vegetarianism is now Page 108


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the de facto diet of atheist radicals of the anarcho-communist/feminist/any asshole with a beret-ist variety, so perhaps a little evolutionary science for them... People who read books know a fact that vegetarians do not- that at one point in history, the Earth’s total population of humans dropped to between 5,000 and 10,000 individuals, due to the eruption of Mt. Toba in Sumatra, which killed off most of the available plant and animal life on Earth in Africa that escaped glaciation, where they subsisted on a diet that was “approximately 50-70% meat and 50-30% plants, respectively.” This diet was necessitated by the die-off of plants and animals, and the lack of a varied diet that could have been otherwise obtained though plant gathering. It was at this time that the Neanderthal diet came to consist of naught but meat, due to the complete lack of availability of edible vegetation, which likely lasted for at least 1000 years (Plants/climate). If the fact that humanity was forced to subsist on a diet of primarily meat for over 1000 years is compelling, perhaps the size of our brains is. I’ve already covered the fact that our encephalization necessitates the consumption of calorically dense foods, especially given the fact that our bodies are comparatively small (so we have less room for the digestion of low-energy foods). Many anthropologists attribute the massive increase in hominid brain size over the last 4 million years with the introduction of far more meat into their diets, which began with homo erectus and continued with modern humans. Others believe that it was the consumption of seafood, rife with Omega-3 fatty acids, that spawned this explosion in cranial capacity. Either way, it was the consumption of meat that led to human encephalization. A new theory has recently arisen, grabbed hold of like a life jacket on the Titanic as the veggies watch their inane theory sink like that ill-fated shitheap of a boat, that tuber played a role in human encephalization. Comically, none of them have actually read the study on which they’re now basing an argument shakier than a Jenga tower in an earthquake, as one of the proponents of this theory, Harvard anthropologist Richard Wrangham, believes that his evidence for this theory is scanty. Famous Athletes? trotted out for you. The list, as you can imagine, is just as wrong as feeding soy formula to a male baby is- horribly, horribly wrong. Bill Pearl and Andreas Cahling are held aloft as two bodybuilders who ate no animal protein and yet succeeded at their sport. These two men, however, ate a fucking boatload of animal protein at every meal. They might not have been sitting down to a steak that’d choke John Candy’s fat ass to death, but Pearl ate a couple of dozen eggs a day and drank fucking GALLONS of milk a day, while Cahling ate nothing but open faced goat cheese sandwiches. (peep it) Mind you, Cahling was a shitty bodybuilder, but that’s beside the point. Tony Gonzalez abandoned veganism after a month of sucking, and Prince Fielder became a vegan after reading SB promptly (only to be blasted in the press as his batting average dropped lower than his daily protein ple, of whom you’ve likely heard of none, and for good reason- they’ve not done anything worth Page 109


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more than a list of ten people, and far more accomplished people, at that, to proffer as proof of the legitimacy of this diet. Oh, and to the ten people who are going to shout : “Mac Danzig could kick your ass!” SUCK IT. If a 140 lb vegan would kick my ass in the octagon, I suppose I’d deserve the beating I received. The Verdict Vegetarianism is clearly only embraced by people with severe mental illnesses who are also attention whores. They wish to foist their idiocy upon others due to the fact that they feel tremendously insecure about the poor life decisions they’ve made, and are incapable of defending themselves from the predations of others due to their poor dietary decisions. As such, they’ll attempt to convince anyone softheaded enough to be snowed by their half-baked arguments that they’re correct, in the face of mountains of evidence to the contrary. As such, my friends, I believe it’s high time we send them to the camps, where they belong.

MAKE IT FUCKING STOP! The Skinny Bitches Are Back First, given the inevitable bitching that has probably already commenced, allow me to proffer the reasoning behind this post. I was standing in line at Bed, Bath and Beyond, waiting to return an air mattress, blithely unaware that the Skinny Bitch phenomenon had continued past their 15 minutes of initial fame. There, I overheard two portly housewives discuss the relative merits of a drink mixer called SkinnyGirl (which is apparently in no way related to the Skinny Bitch books, but is the product of some reality tv whore’s vanity). This turned into a discussion about how they’d both stopped eating meat due to the Skinny Bitch books, and how everyone (wink wink nod nod) who ing to stand idly by while anyone talks shit, especially in the South where I hate everyone, and these Type 2 diabetes cows weren’t going to titter over their Mint Juleps about how they got over on me. disagreed, and assured me I should read their book for men. I was struck dumb by the fact that I such bullshit, but I resolved to read this fucking book to see what lies were contained therein.

Here is what I found: 1. The publisher Running Press has neither fact-checkers, nor editors with any background in biology or chemistry, and apparently everyone in their organization is bereft of conscience and soul. 2. ish what they started- namely, to destroy the human race. While that goal seems to have merit on its face, they’re not doing it in a cool way at all- nowhere are there zombies, robots, zombie-robot Page 110


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cyborg hybrids, hemorrhagic plagues, internecine strife, or even a good ol’ nuke. Instead, they are trying to bring about humanity’s downfall in the least cool way possible- by rendering us so impotent and weak that we simply die out of self-loathing and the sort of malaise that can only come humanity’s transformation into the Eloi without any of the mechanisms necessary to their bullshit society. Thus, we’ve had thrust upon us the guide to the coming apocalypse... Skinny Bastard. Clocking in at a touch over two hundred pages, it provides comprehensive coverage of some of the most impressive stupidity and willful ignorance ever committed to the printed page. In of their outlandish nutritional theories, the Bitches have offered some of the most astonishing non- and pseuand hatred for intelligent discourse and humanity in general. with no business writing a book about anything compiled a bunch of factoids gleaned from vegan their readers to stop being pussies... while not eating meat. Amidst their incessant reders about what it takes to be a real man, a phenomenon about which women should probably refrain from giving advice anyway, they recommend that men drink red wine and herbal teas while abstaining from meat and doing some brisk cardio as their roap to manliness. That just happened. Yupwhile making the authors of the ill-conceived Alpha Male Challenge (see the blog about this pile of horseshit here) look like paradigms of manliness, the Skinny Bitches managed to outdo their previous effort throughout the book. Additionally, the SBs seem to think that the liberal use of the word “fuck” validates their ridiculous foray into male diet advice, casually tossing the word about in spite erectile function, instead using the nomenclature of small children to make their point, a la “stick” or “cockadoodledoo”. I am not making that up. This book literally left me speechless. The long version: It’s hard to know where to start with a book that I’ve got to pick apart page by page, so I’ll just start at the beginning, and I’ll hit the high points as bullets for ease of reading. Before you get too far into it, you might want to check out this blog on pH, since the Bitches blather on about it incessantly. “Alcohol raises the level of hydrochloric acid in your stomach, wreaking havoc on your di(11). One hardly knows where to begin with gems such as these. Someone might want to inform the Bitches that hydrochloric acid is always present in one’s stomach- it helps break down food in the stomach. One thing hydrochloric acid doesn’t do, however, is have anything whatsoever to do with the absorption of alcohol, which is done through the stomach lining and the intestines. We actually produce an enzyme to reduce the amount of alcohol our body absorbs, but HCL’s got exactly Page 111


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appear to be allergic reactions, especially IN PEOPLE WHO ALREADY HAVE ASTHMA), beer and hard alcohol might actually be good for you... and in more than a “they get me laid” kind of way. Japanese researchers tested varying doses of isohumulones (the bitter component of beer) on pre-diabetic rats in three different doses and found that 2 of the doses led to reduced fasting blood glucose levels, and a third led to reduced bodyfat and weight (Obara). Happily, I hate both beer and wine, both of which one study showed raised estrogen and SHBG (Sex Hormone Binding Globulin) (Gavaler), but am a big fan of liquor. Liquor has been shown in a couple of studies to that drinking wine does in fact make you a bitch... in more ways than one, and that drinking liquor try to get their idiot friends to follow them. Unfortunately, they’ve all thus far refused to die. “Citrus fruits are alkalizing because they’re high in potassium and calcium and alkaline (33). If you’re not already amused because potassium and calcium are alkaline salts, you should be. Prepare, however, to become more amused- citrus fruits aren’t even ranked among top calcium or potassium rich foods... but various meats are. Given that one major problem they have with meat before, so there’s no sense in starting now, I suppose. (13-14). Yep- the Bitches hate coffee because it contains caffeine, which they assert will cause you problems ranging from headaches to diarrhea to cortisol spikes, and a wide array of bullshit in between, while simultaneously allowing you to trumpet to the world that you’re a big bitch because you “need” stimulants to get you out of bed. Additionally, the SB’s contend, willfully ignorant of any and all studies ever conducted on coffee, that coffee will make you fat due to the fact that your body will form a protective layer of fat around your organs to fend off the evil acid in the coffee. Frankly, I’m at a loss to even scratch the surface of what they might be on about here- do they think coffee’s simply dumped into your system on top of your organs? That our internal systems are setup like an ancient Roman sewer? Have they heard of the circulatory system? Simply astonishing. Instead, manly men should drink “caffeine free herbal tea, because “if women see you drinking tea, proven performance enhancer while getting fat, publicly emasculating myself, and drinking something that tastes like stewed cow shit. fee, for the sake of education, sanity, and to take a break from the wild-eyed idiocy proffered by the Page 112


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Silly Bitches. Coffee drinkers are: • less likely to have type 2 diabetes, Parkinson’s disease, and dementia (Osterweil) • have fewer cases of certain cancers, heart rhythm problems, and strokes (Ibid) • less likely to contract prostate cancer (Wilson et al) enhancement to alertness to mental acuity. In short, stimulants fucking rule. (but no mention is made of HFCS)(12-13, and an entire chapter later in the book). According to the Silly Bitches, just about every evil perpetrated in the world in the last 50 years was committed at the hands of Searle for the purpose of promoting their Nutrasweet products, and in collusion with the US government. This is patently ridiculous for a variety of reasons, not the least of which being that the US government is far more complicit in ing Big Agriculture than Big Pharma. In retrospect, given that Searle was purchased by Monsanto when Donald Rumsfeld was the CEO, they might have a case to make, but no mention was made of that, and most of their beef with Searle predates Rummy’s tenure. They contend that due to the US government’s of and evil doings with major US pharmaceutical companies (of which there’s hardly any doubt, in my mind, but they’re off base here) that Searle was able to push Nutrasweet/aspartame through testing and get it approved by all of the national agencies in charge of food additives. Just about all of the claims made about Nutrasweet are bullshit, however, and have been proven to be so over and over. If you don’t believe me, go here and read the sources cited, and if you’re too lazy to do that, just check out the study wherein MIT debunked the Nutrasweet bullshit. In addition to failing to conduct even a simple search of unbiased sources (which I’d imagine at this point would causes those idiots to seize, crack, and bleed out), they failed to recognize that the US government would pharma companies don’t get farm subsidies. As such, these broads have again proven themselves to be fucking retarded, as they’re focusing on the gnat in their ear instead of the guy pounding their ass like they were Ving Rhames in Pulp Fiction. (36), citing a guy named Lesley They go on recommend a protein level of Body Weight x .36, which provides a “large margin of safety”. Safety from what, you might ask? Their of this statement was all over the map, ranging from the old wives’ tale about protein and renal failure, to a supposition that low carb diets have been linked with low testosterone levels, based on an uncited study. I found the study, however, and they and their soft-headed vegan compatriots all seem to have read the fucking thing incorrectly... likely because a diet the consists of naught but gruel is hardly conducive to deep analytical thinking. Instead of showing that a high protein diet led to low testosterone levels, the study showed that a Page 113


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diet high in polyunsaturated fat led to low testosterone levels. Rob Faigin was nice enough to point that little nugget out in , and I thought I’d reiterate it for you guys (Faigin, 329-30). Onto that old bullshit about high protein diets and renal failure... again, the Bitches’ research skills don’t extend beyond ancient and patently ridiculous sources. For those of you who are blissfully unaware of that argument, it goes that high protein (and ketogenic diets in particular) cause renal failure. The Bitches are more wrong than R. Kelly pissing in the mouth of a 14 year old. Kidney function adapts to increased protein consumption and in some cases functions better than on know, science, and the fact that an entire robust and virile people have thrived for centuries on that diet, the Silly Bitches will continue to assert that a high protein diet will kill you outright and forthwith, and you’ll dissolve in a muddle of acidic muck . They’ll do this because they’re whores... they forgot because they’re stupid.

FINISHING OFF THE SKINNY BITCHES If you repeat a lie enough times, someone will eventually believe it- it’s human nature. This is how random bullshit over time has come to be “common knowledge”, and thus fact, in spite of the fact that it’s undeniably and incontrovertibly untrue. The idea that people once believed the Earth was the Earth is round is total bullshit. People has known for centuries that the world was round- Eratosthenes even gave its exact size and axial tilt in the third century BC. It wasn’t until the modern ment over evolution. The Protestants, in an effort to make the Catholics look like assholes, spread bombing the shit out of each other in Ireland, so they fell back on a bit of academic libel. Somehow (*cough* because people are stupid) this theory spread and became “fact”, in spite of the fact that no educated Westerner since the 3rd Century BCE ever ed the Flat Earth theory. In much the same way, the Skinny Bitches propagate vegetarian and vegan myths, touting them

They cite Caldwell B. Esselstyn for this gem. In his excretory release , this alleged doctor of medicine claims that there is “irrefutable evidence” that humans thrive on a plant-based, oil-free diet. Piling another log atop their Mt. Everest-sized pile of horseshit, the Silly Bitches allege, as they did in their previous opus that even if our hominid predecessors did eat a meat-based diet, it doesn’t matter because they “looked like friggin’ apes and had massive heads, strong jaws, and brute strength. Man was a different animal then” (40). If your mind isn’t fucking blown by this, allow me to explain why it should be. First, the two Page 114


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points, made on the same page, directly contravene one another- on the one hand, we’re evolved to eat the same diet rabbits and other vegan rodents enjoy, and on the other, it doesn’t matter if we may have evolved from meat eaters, as our hominid ancestors were brutish savages. This, my friends, is exactly what Tucker Max likes to call prototypical “whore logic” (and what those of us who don’t want to be stabbed in our sleep refer to as “girl logic”). In the same way that a woman will simultaneously whine about being hungry for three hours and refuse to eat anything you offer her to shut her up, the Silly Bitches make a point and then directly contradict that point with a they’d have known that the Robust hominids (like Paranthropus Robustus and Australopiticus Botion. In other words, they had the giant jaws because they were vegetarians. They were not, however, physically imposing specimens, and they are extremely distant human ancestors. The most recent ancestors to homo sapiens sapiens (modern humans) are homo neanderthalensis (Neanderthals) and homo sapiens (Cro-Magnon Man). According to every recent archaeological source carnivores as any primate has ever been.(“Bones”, “New study”) Thus, the Bitches were about as wrong as humanly possible, which is sort of their forte. On a side note, long-time readers of this blog have by now gathered that I have little use for the government, and trust them about as much as I’d trust John Wayne Gacy in a home for runaway homosexual teenagers. Though I’m not much of a conspiracy theorist, and am generally wary of Truthers, followers of Alex Jones, or anyone who thinks that David Icke is even marginally sane, it’s interesting to note that vegan advocate Caldwell B. Esselstyn is a member of Skull and Bones, the secret society that pretty much every crackpot on Earth links with the New World Order. I’ve mentioned before that I think that the US government advocates low-protein diets to make us more docile, and vegan diets (notoriously low in protein) mirror those used by cults to aid in “thought reform.”(Brainwashing, Born-Again Brainwashing) Coincidence? Probably, but it’s an amusing anecdote. Carrying on with their evolution logic, they used the same tired biology arguments used by other vegans, like the “fact” that carnivores have saliva with ten times more hydrochloric acid and much shorter intestines than do humans. I hope that anyone with the ability to form a cogent thought immediately sees through the wildeyed ignorance of biology that these sorts of statements require. I know of no academic on Earth who will assert, for instance, that humans are pure carnivores. The only land mammal of which I can think offhand that is a pure carnivore is a feline, and even they end up eating grains when people keep them as pets (though it fucks them up all to be damned). This is an important point, because this sort of an argument is little more than a vegetarian strawman- it leaves out omnivores like pigs. Pigs, for those of you who don’t know, eat just about anything, including people. “You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look Page 115


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like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies’ digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don’t want to go sievin’ through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That expression, ‘as greedy as a pig’” (Brick Top). The reason why kids in high school dissect pigs is due to the remarkable similarity between the digestive tract of pigs and that of humans. Neither pigs nor humans have the ability to digest plant cellulose (which herbivores do through fermentation), and this is an excellent sign that they’re not pure herbivores. I’ll go on, but the subject frankly bores the living shit out of me- I’d rather argue physics with a 10 year old kid with Down’s Syndrome than bother trying to explain comparative anatomy to a vegetarian. Everything they know comes from websites, and every one of those websites cites (well, reprint, because they’re apparently too exhausted from malnutrition to bother with academic citations) the exact same retarded source (Fit Food For Men, by AD Andrews). It looks like this: Meat-eaters: have claws Herbivores: no claws Humans: no claws Meat-eaters: have no skin pores and perspire through the tongue Herbivores: perspire through skin pores Humans: perspire through skin pores Meat-eaters: Herbivores: Humans: long to bother with typing. Google canine dentition (they have molars) and polar bear molars- Polar bears are considered pure carnivores, and have molars.] Meat-eaters: have intestinal tract that is only 3 times their body length so that rapidly decaying meat can through quickly Herbivores: have intestinal tract 10-12 times their body length. Humans: have intestinal tract 10-12 times their body length. [Actually, the human intestine is 6-7m long, making it roughly three times as long as the human body] (Length) Meat-eaters: have strong hydrochloric acid in stomach to digest meat Herbivores: have stomach acid that is 20 times weaker than that of a meat-eater Humans: have stomach acid that is 20 times weaker than that of a meat-eater. [Actually, human gastric acid has a pH of 3.8, and is strong enough to dissolve human teeth] (Matsou) Page 116


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Meat-eaters: salivary glands in mouth not needed to pre-digest grains and fruits. Herbivores: well-developed salivary glands which are necessary to pre-digest grains and fruits Humans: well-developed salivary glands, which are necessary to pre-digest, grains and fruits Meat-eaters: have acid saliva with no enzyme ptyalin to pre-digest grains Herbivores: have alkaline saliva with ptyalin to pre-digest grains Humans: have alkaline saliva with ptyalin to pre-digest grains [Actually, there is little difference between the pH of mammalian saliva between species. These idiots apparently think that Alien blood drips from the mouths of housecats]

Fantastic, isn’t it? They managed to construct an entire argument rebutting a claim no thinking person has ever made (that humans are carnivores) while asserting something even more preposterous. motherfucker. Apparently, they’ve all just wanted me to ram a fucking baguette down their throats and send them on their merry way. Oh, and the book cited in that chart? It doesn’t exist. Nor does the author. The publisher renamed itself the National Health Association, and boasts eight , none of whom is A.D. Andrews... because that motherfucker doesn’t exist. Well played, vegans! Lastly, the Silly Bitches embarrass themselves with a list of “tough-ass motherfuckers” who are vegetarians or vegans. This list includes a bunch of endurance athletes, Stan Price (“world record holder” in the bench press), Ridgely Abele (8x national karate champ), Sushil Kumar (bronze medalist wrestler), Make Danzig and Jake Shields, Tony Gonzalez and Desmond Howard, and Bill Pearl and Andreas Cahling. Unsurprisingly, this list is jam fucking packed with bullshit. My bullshit-o-meter peaked with Stan Price, who unsurprisingly doesn’t exist, much less hold a record in powerlifting. Moving on, Bill Pearl and Andreas Cahling ate a fucking boatload of animal protein at every meal. They might not have been sitting down to a steak that’d choke John Candy’s fat ass to death, but Pearl ate a couple of dozen eggs a day and drank fucking GALLONS of milk a day, while Cahling ate nothing but open faced goat cheese sandwiches. (Dynamic Bodies) Ridgely Abele diet. Given that it’s a karate association bereft of a single Japanese name in their hall of fame, I’m betting they aren’t terribly competitive. Shields eats milk products and protein, and recently got his ass kicked in by a meat eater. Sushil Kumar, like most Hindus, drinks an absolutely absurd amount of milk and eats cans of ghee when training.(Sushil) For those of you who are unaware, ghee is pretty much unholy- you make it my cooking off butter until all of the water is boiled off and nothing but fat and protein remains. For any of you who’ve roomed with a Hindu, you know that it smells godawful and tastes about as good as it smells. Back to the list- Tony Gonzalez recommends in his own book, the All-Pro Diet, that people should eat grass-fed beef and chicken, which Page 117


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able vegan “badass” is Mac Danzig, and he’s an ittedly recent convert to the diet as a result of working at a factory farm.(Peta) In short, the Silly Bitches are entirely full of shit, and simply repeat the same tired bullshit they’ve heard out of other idiot vegans to serve a purpose I cannot possibly ascertain. Quite frankly, I doubt they could articulate their reasoning either. Should you want information on being a “healthy” vegan, check out Mike Mahler, who outlines Mac Danzig’s diet here and has an array of kettlebell videos shot in his backyard. His dog looks pretty cool, which is at least a good start for being a believable authority on anything whatsoever. As for the Bitches, I’m pretty sure they’re the reason why Muslims stone broads.

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“I tried to make meat loaf out of the girl but it becomes too frustrating a task and instead I spend the afternoon smearing her meat all over PHYTO/XENOESTROGENS: The mythology of the Devil is actually pretty fascinating. I’m not going to spend an hour recounting the entire etymology of the word Satan, the historical concept of the Devil, or pantheistic demonology, though I assure you, that shit is tremendously interesting. Once you’ve followed every link you can from that one, you’ll have a clear understanding of what the Devil represents- pure evil. Across every Mediterranean-based religion since ancient Egypt, however, there’s existed a malevolent energy or god with which people then and now have concerned themselves. Innumerable methods have been articulated for ridding themselves of this evil, ranging from exorcisms to jihad to a hell of a lot of prayer. I’m not advocating any of that, and I’m informing you about a much greater evil than the entity who is conventionally referred to as the Devil- I’m referring to soy. Would an exorcism help? Likely not, but there are some executives at Ralston-Purina and DuPont who could do with some stabbing. For those of you who are unaware, there’s currently a massive push to get soy into the diets of Americans, allegedly due to the magical health-improving effects of the soybean. Apparently posyears of age, and never get cancer due to their constant inhalation of so, various special interest groups have funded studies alleging this bean’s magical properties. This is, of course, utter horseshit. Americans eat far more soy, per capita, than any other people on Earth. In 2005, Americans ate 25,261,750 tons of soy. That breaks down to 0.0852255847 tons of soy a year (25,261,750/296,410,404), or 170 lbs a year. The Chinese, by comparison, ate only (50957450 / 1315844000) 0.0387260572 tons per person, or 77 lbs. This is fucking retarded. (Swivel for the soy, and Wikipedia for the population) According to health activist and occasional kook Joseph Mercola, soy may increase the risk of breast cancer in women, brain damage in both men and women, and abnormalities in infants, contribute to thyroid disorders (especially in women), promote kidney stones, weaken the immune hormones that have been shown to have an estrogenic effect on the body (it mimics the actions of estrogen, which reduces test levels and inhibit muscular hypertrophy (Ivy, 128). Biological changes vones. Soy also contains phytic acid, an anti-nutrient that blocks the uptake of calcium, zinc, and magnesium. Low zinc throws copper levels out of balance, and high levels of copper can depress thyroid function (Tacchi, 81-82). Page 119


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This shit is not anything that should come as a surprise to anyone who knows anything about Paleolithic dieting. Many beans contain toxic compounds designed to dissuade animals from eating them, and soybeans are no different. Raw soybeans contain antienzymes, hemagglutinin, phytates and goitrogens, all which will have varying effects on people based on the biological individuality, claims, having eaten soy your entire lives, and immense amounts of it. Before you get too haughty, consider this- Americans are fatter, less libidinous, weaker, and more pathetic than ever, and we’re eating unprecedented amounts of soy. they line the pockets of politicians who also hate you and are looking for ways to make you more dependent on them, so that the politicians will do what they’d do on their own a little more quickly. According to Joseph Mercola, soy began in the US as a product that in 1913 was listed in the U.S. Department of Agriculture as an industrial product, rather than a food (Mercola). Although the soybean was introduced in the US a couple centuries prior to that, it didn’t really carry much weight until it was picked up by none other than Henry Ford as a super-bean he primarily used to make plastics and textiles- Ford bragged that two bushels of soybeans went into each car he sold, and having been beaten by DuPont’s nylon, but illustrates the fact that soy was initially considered to be primarily for industrial use. Ford’s experimentation with soy milk eventually led to Ralston-Purina’s widespread use of soy in animal feed, due in large part to the fact that soy is incredibly cheap to farm and process. As the years ed, and soy made its slow transition into the American diet, that industry received of the crucial problems facing humanity and the communication of such problems to the most important public and private decision makers as well as to the general public” (Wikipedia). The Club produced their seminal work in 1972, called the , which was essentially a dire prediction that the Earth’s industrialized societies would collapse under their own weight and the combined scarcity of petroleum and food. This book was an outgrowth of the Malthusian catastrophe theory of Thomas Malthus, which “was originally foreseen to be a forced return to subsistence-level conditions once population growth had outpaced agricultural production,” and it led to a variety works in this genre are , by Anthony Burgess, and by Harry Harrison, both of which depict a future Earth plagued by overpopulation. Both books are fuckSoylent Green. From works like these, people picked up the notion that meat would eventually be in the last 30 years for evidence of this) and nearly all of which prophesied that soy would be the meat of the future. Page 120


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This momentum made it easy for companies like Ralston-Purina and DuPont to ramp up their soy of shit that they are, eventually changed the protein rating systems to make soy look good, which afforded those companies the opportunity to make ridiculous claims about the bioavailability of soy (Body Opus, 76). Lobbyists are the reason there are so many different rating systems for protein- not scientists. To wit, there are the following rating systems for protein: • Biological value (BV) • Net protein Utilization (NPU) • Nitrogen Balance (NB) • Protein digestibility (PD) • Protein Digestibility Corrected Amino Acid Score (PDCAAS) Just within BV, you can get two different rankings for protein, one of which places soy at the same level as whey for bio-availability, and another that ranks it at about 3/4 of whey. PDCAAS is the newest, and thus ranks soy on par with egg, whey, and casein, while NPU, one of the oldest, ranks whey at 92 and soy at 61. Suspicious? I sure as fuck am.

SOY IS THE DEVIL, AND NOT IN A FUN WAY, 22 1/2 For those of you who hadn’t yet noticed, this blog focuses on the unconventional. As such, soy’s a pretty good topic for investigation, as it’s a fairly unorthodox source of protein for a non-herbivore. Given that both sides of the soy debate have dragged out their gigantic, Goebbels-esque propaganda machines, investigation of this issue gets even more interesting. On one side you have vegetarians, the government, and massive chemical-agricultural companies. These groups obviously have a vested interest in disinformation and obfuscation of any evidence pointing to the idea that soy is deleterious for one’s health, and a very pointed interest in painting soy as the ultimate protein source. Derek Poundstone claims to eat soy protein in massive quantities, which makes sense, given that he’s sponsored by DuPont, who just built a new soy processing plant- the man makes chicken shakes... he’s not getting 25% of his fucking protein from beans. Think it through. On the other side of the debate, you’ve got a bunch of people who are afraid of growing man-tits, and have seen enough studies showing soy to cause health problems to be rightfully scared, especially given that our current living environment is literally awash in xenoestrogens. Did You Know? Female urine is high in estrogen, especially if they’re on the pill. As such, make sure you’re taking anti-estrogens if you let chicks piss in your mouth on a regular basis. To wit, here’s what happens when animals are exposed to high levels of environmental estrogens: alarm bell for the dangers of pollutants and estrogen-like compounds in U.S. rivers, where millions of Americans get their drinking water, environmental experts say. A recent survey of bass in the Potomac River, a major tributary in the nation’s capital, found almost 100 percent of the smallmouth bass species were feminized, or had eggs in their tesPage 121


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tes. In largemouth bass the incidence of feminization was lower, but still highly prevalent. Some evidence has suggested the chemicals also have a cumulative effect -- at low concentraKolpin examines a multitude of chemicals considered emerging contaminants, and some of the most egregious offenders are pills, which may also contain estrogen-like compounds. said. Consumers get little guidance as to how to dispose of unused medication.

areas of emerging contaminant pollution.” (Dell’amore) In another study: “In one lake,” he explains, “they treated it with the pharmaceutical that’s in most birth control, in a concentration of six parts per trillion -- similar to what we often see in wastewater the females couldn’t make eggs, and the males were so busy making female protein that they weren’t making any sperm.” Shit like this is why I think we should all don our fucking tinfoil hats and say fuck the soy- we’ve got enough xenoestrogens in our water to make us impotent anyway. Have you noticed at the degree to which infertility and erectile dysfunction has risen and birthrates have dropped in the developed world recently? Why add insult to injury? And what are the studies showing these insults? In one study of 42 healthy adult males, “Diets were isoenergetic, with either 150 g lean meat or 290 g tofu daily providing an equivalent amount of macronutrients, with only the source of protein differing between the two diets. Each diet lasted for 4 weeks, with a 2-week interval between interventions. Blood concentrations of sex hormones did not differ after the two diets, but the mean testosterone : oestradiol value was 10% higher after the meat diet. SHBG was 3% higher; whereas the tion between the difference in SHBG and testosterone : oestradiol and weight change” (Habito et al). This means that, at the very least, your test levels will be higher on a diet eating meat, even if soy doesn’t lower your test levels. In another study describes the short-term effects of dietary phytoestrogens on regulatory behaviors (food/water intake, locomotor activity and body weight), prostate weight, prostate 5alpha-reductase enzyme activity, reproductive hormone levels, and testicular steroidogenic acute regulatory peptide (StAR) levels in adult Sprague-Dawley rats. Animals were fed either a phytoestrogen-rich diet conPage 122


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diet. After 5 weeks of consuming these diets, plasma phytoestrogen levels were 35 times higher in animals fed the phytoestrogen-rich vs phytoestrogen-free diets. Body and prostate weights were

lower in the animals fed the phytoestrogen-rich diet compared with animals fed the phytoestrogen-free diet. (Weber, et al) The rub? Sounds like a diet high in phytoestrogens lowers your test providing evidence for some effects of soy protein on hormones.” (Dillingham et al) A study of 69 Japanese men and soy protein also found a inverse correlation between soy intake and testosterone, however minor, and found that “soy product intake may be associated with the endogenous hormone levels in Japanese men” (Nagata, et al). So, what about that estrogen? For those of you who are unaware, soy has been prescribed to menopausal women for years as an alternative to estrogen supplements. Let me restate that- soy is considered to be herbal estrogen. Why, then, would the supplement companies claim it’s not estrogenic? It either is, or it isn’t. Instead, the soy industry talks out of both side of their mouths, and no one seems to give a fuck. “Women who are pregnant are warned to avoid high doses of plant estrogen” according to a site about breast cancer, and “scientists also caution women who have estrogen receptor positive (ER+) breast cancer that phytoestrogens may not be safe.” Intriguing- now soy’s not even good for chicks, due to the fact that it’s super fucking estrogenic(Flax). A curs in early, mid, or late life), tissue type (breast or brain, for example), and dose”(Yates). Positive content is lower in fermented soy products, which is what the Japanese typically eat, than in unfermented products (like soy protein), which means that if you want to eat the soy in your miso soup, a fucking highway to hell (Chien et al). For those skeptics out there who still insist that the anti-soy campaign is nothing but ridiculous scare tactics, I challenge you to identify for whom these tactics are working. Propaganda does not exist without a motive, and I fail to see one inherent in this movement, as there’s no danger whatsoever of the meat-farming industry going belly up. Thus, think of this what you will, but I know that the only estrogens I plan to ingest are in female urine... provided I have Clomid on hand.

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“You’re a fucking ugly bitch. I want to stab you to death, and then play

STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT PH BALANCED IS HORSESHIT themselves continually preoccupied with an odd facet of their body’s state of being- their internal pH. PH, for those of you who are blissfully unaware, or who slept through several years of science classes and who have never owned a pool, is a measure of how acidic or basic a substance is. Measurement of pH ranges from 0-14, where 0-6 is acidic, 7 is neutral, and 8-14 is alkaline. Still confused? Battery acid is a 1, vinegar is a 3, blood’s a 7.5, ammonia’s an 11.5, and household lye is a 14. According to naturopaths, a body’s pH measurement in the 7-7.5 range represents good health. 6-6.5, you’re slightly acidic, and above 7.5 means you are either in good health or you suffer from low protein. Amusingly, it can also mean that your internal environment is acidic, but that you have Of note, before I continue, is that it is rare that your blood pH will match your urine’s pH. This will become important later, when we’re examining the various deleterious effects ascribed to one’s tion, which actually has nothing at all to do with your pH- it has to do with your hydration. When you piss, you’re excreting nitrates (nitrogen and oxygen). Ammonia is comprised of nitrogen and hydrogen, so what you’re smelling is high amounts of bonded hydrogen, which occurs when you’re dehydrated, or when your liver stops functioning. Amusingly, ammonia’s pH is 11.5, so it would seem to any rational person that if your piss smells like ammonia, your body is trying to acidify your system by shedding a substance with a super alkaline pH (Alkaline urine, usually containing bicarbonate-carbonic acid buffer, is normally excreted when there is an excess of base or alkali in the body (Urine pH). According to QuackWatch, “Acid-base status is commonly measured at hospital is acidic or alkaline enough in a mixed diet to produce long-lasting changes in the body’s acid-base balance”(Barrett). Sounds fucking stupid already, right? It gets better. The following is a comprehensive list of bad shit that can happen to you if you’re overly acidic, by system (Vasey 36-39, Kliment 16-17): Intestinal • Diarrhea • Rectal bleeding (HOLY FUCK!) • Cramps Page 124


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• Colitis Respiratory • Runny Nose • Chills • Frequent Colds (prevented, according to Linus Pauling, by Vitamin C. Which is acidic. Hmmm.) • Laryngitis • Allergies Hair/Nails • Thin Nails (Nails are made of protein. Thus, if your nails are thin, guess what’s lacking in your diet?) • White Spots on Nails • Dull Hair with split ends (Try washing your fucking hair and taking EFAs) Kidney/Bladder • Acidic Urine (if it burns when you pee, you have VD. The end.) • Irritation of Urethra (an itchy urethra? If a man has an itchy urethra, nothing should fucking stop him from getting to the hospital, stat, because it’s highly likely that his cock’s about to fall the fuck off) • Excessive urination (uh... that’s normally attributed to excessive hydration) • Kidney and bladder stones Skin • Acidic sweat (this means you’re an alien, and the only things that can kill you are Sigourney Weaver and Predators. Fucking spot on.) • Dry skin (EFAs. Or maybe it’s just WINTERTIME!) • Irritated in Sweat Regions (what the fuck?) • Itches (dry skin) • Pimples (could be attributed to anything) • Eczema (aka hereditary DRY SKIN) Muscles • Leg cramps/spasms (maybe you just squatted?) • Stiff Neck (caused by sitting at a desk) • Generalized aching Skeletal • Rheumatism • Arthritis • Sciatica • Herniated disk • Tendinitis • Mineral and Calcium depletion Page 125


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• Osteoporosis (caused by menopause, generally) • Brittle bones • Gout Circulatory • Tendency to Feel Cold (same, or you’re a woman) • Chilblain (caused by cold weather and heredity) • Rapid heartbeat Endocrine • Exhaustion Genitals • Vaginal discharge (VD, yeast infection, or she’s a squirter!) Nervous • Sensitivity to pain (aka, you’re a pussy) • Migrant nerve pain • Insomnia • Tennis Elbow (caused, fucking obviously, by overuse of the forearm in a particular and repetitive way) • loss of drive/enthusiasm • depression • irritability • nervousness/stress • a pale face • headaches • acidic saliva (again, you’re an alien, which is awesome) • loose teeth (brush them, idiot) • mouth ulcers • cracks at corners of lips • cavities (caused by carbohydrate digestion, not acid) • gastritis • ulcers That’s a hell of a comprehensive and oddly repetitive list. Nearly every one of those issues has a that gout in particular has been linked to acidic foods, so I’ll give them that, osteoporosis (SebasPage 126


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plague a person, so as to sell you on the fact that, at its core, meat is the root of all evil. other is anti-meat. Here’s a comparison of acid and alkaline foods, as offered by Vasey (52-53, 57):

By the way, I forgot to add carbonated drinks (carbonic acid), coffee, tea, cocoa, wine, and all condiments. Vasey contends that proteins form uric and phosphoric acid, fats convert to fatty acids and acetyl acetic acid, and carbohydrates convert to pyruvic and succinic acid (the bad ones are the protein and fat ones- Vasey states that the strong ones come from animal proteins and the weak acids come from veggie sources) ( 10, 39). None of these motherfuckers can get their shit together, however, and are constantly at odds over the details of their pseudoscience. From author to author, these recommendations change, which is Page 127


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a boatload of fun. Loren Cordain jumped in though, and offered the following:

Loren makes an amusing point thereafter- the acid and base loads of various foods, on which “nutritionists” base their pH diets, is derived from analyzing food ash. Raise your hand if your body reduces food to ash! Anyone? I thought not. Thus, these numbers are all but useless. From the three books on acid-base diets that I’ve read, here’s what I’ve determined: 1. anyone who touts a pH diet hates meat. 2. anyone who touts a pH diet knows nothing about nutrition. 3. anyone who touts a pH diet lacks the ability to think critically a person could have a neutral pH load, and thereafter realized the whole fucking thing is pointless and idiotic. Instead, I came up with the following: If you’re worried about your systemic pH, eat green things every day. Then, avoid any person who touts these diets like the fucking plague.

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“My name is Patrick Bateman. I’m 27 years old. I believe in taking care of myself and a balanced diet and rigorous exercise routine. In the morning if my face is a little puffy I’ll put on an ice pack while doing stomach crunches. I can do 1000 now. After I remove the ice pack I use a deep pore cleanser lotion. In the shower I use a water activated gel cleanser, then a honey almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub. Then I apply an herb-mint facial mask which I leave on for 10 minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. I always use an after shave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturlotion.”

SUPPLEMENTATION YO DOG! I WANNA LOOK LIKE YOU! Certainly, one of the most annoying questions ever posed to me by strangers is this: “What supplements do you take?” Not “Damn, bro, what kind of program are you on?” or “How many times a week do you squat?” or “what program will work best for me?” Instead, it’s “what supplements do I need to take to grow/shred/whatever.” It’s a fucking disgrace. Supplements hone a physique, polish a physique, and assist your training. They are not the end all, be all. This douche just needs to lift some weights and not worry about taking Cell-Tech, or whatever else is the supp of the week. That stated, here’s what I take/have taken: Greens Psyllium Husk number, but I want to get at least 50g a day for the health of my digestive tract. Probiotics & Digestive Enzymes- Also great for keeping the digestive tract healthy, especially given the ridiculously high amounts of protein I consume. Dessicated Liver- Filled with B-vitamins, and it covers the paucity of organ meats in my diet. Milk Thistle- Cleanse the liver from binge drinking and supplement usage. Animal Pak / Vitastak / Myovite multivitamins- Mutlipack vitamins seem to offer the best protection against holes in your dietary regimen. Omega 3 Fatty Acids Phenibut- Designed by the Russians for use by cosmonauts in space, this shit is great both as a sleep aid in higher doses and an anti-anxiety compound in lower doses. Blended Protein Powder- I like the slow-acting blends because they leave me less hungry and I get a steady release of protein into my bloodstream. Whey protein powder- I often have whey for post workout protein, early morning protein, and Page 129


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Ultramet Fat Burner- I’ve bounced around from fat burner to fat burner, and am of course now partial to Cannibal Inferno, as I designed it to be my ultimate fat burner. For those of you concerned by the Carb Rite and Quest Bars- Both of these bars are ultra low-carb and reasonably high in protein, which makes them ideal for my diet. Nootropics- As a general rule, I take noopept, dendrobium, and aniracetam to aid in memory reIf I were to list the absolute essentials, they’d be Animal Stack, a fat burner, and a blended protein powders. I’ve gotten great results with just those, they balance out any diet, and they turn you into a fat burning superhuman. Shit I’ve found to be totally useless: • any MuscleTech product • any product with a name that emulates a steroid • HMB • Any non-stimulant based fat burners.

Though I don’t really have a handle on raising the dead yet, I’ve got a couple of other tidbits to share with you from time to time, which my friends typically on to me as they know I will try just about anything to become superhuman. Today’s odd herbal concoctions consist of remedies for t health after severe trauma and one for depression. I personally don’t get depressed, but tried one of the supplements as a kind of herbal adderal and it worked, and then suggested it to someone who was coming off Cymbalta and it worked like a fucking charm. When faced with a serious t injury, like my broken bone spur/torn tricep surgery a couple of years ago, I do the following: take 3 grams of MSM, 1500 mg. of Vitamin C, a handful of a good digestive enzyme like Wobenzyme or Medizyme, and 5 grams of L-Glutamine, on an empty stomach, thrice daily. Swelling and pain go bye-bye, and doctors marvel at your striking resemblance to Wolverine. As for the other, I’ve got two ways to go with it. First, combine a Biotest Spike with a serving of Happy Pills for a sort of herbal Adderal. Alternatively, you could take a combination of sulbutiamine, choline, and any of the racetam family you so choose (I prefer 20mg Noopept and 1.5g Aniracetam). Either will wake you up and focus you nicely. Great for working on a massive tome Page 130


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of strength training and nutrition knowledge. Good stuff. The second way is to take a serving of Happy Pills in the morning, and a serving of SAMe at night, which will apparently work like Cymbalta, but without the inability to show emotion or generally get excited about anything at all, haha. Another option is Phenibut, a compound developed in Russia that improves mood and reduces anxiety at low doses and acts as an excellent sleep aid at higher shit and you should be right as rain the next morning.

The other day, I was walking around in a shopping center that contained a Gold’s gym. I happened out gear emblazoned with Under Armor and Abercrombie logos. Without going any further, I could tell they were useless douches, simply by their manner of dress, but I was bored, so I listened in on their conversation. The conversation, as it turned out, was solid gold- it centered around their “brutal” workout of machine-based exercises, and their need to get their protein shakes to facilitate recuperation therefrom. It was, at its core, a conversation worthy of the very pinnacle of douchbaggery, the likes of which I rarely see. Never mind the fact that these fucking retards believed that they had just conducted a workout worthy of inclusion in the trials of Hercules- they believed that the workout was utterly worthless without their post-workout nutrition. They’ve been snowed by the magazines and the supplement companies to believe that without the proper supplements, they cannot achieve physical greatness. THAT IS UTTER BULLSHIT. Certainly, supplements can help, and I’ve spent a considerable amount of time detailing those that I think are worthwhile. That’s not to state, however, that they are in any way essential. Plenty of people throughout history have built massive physiques without the aid of supplements, through little more than big eating and big lifting. What supplements do is speed the process, and help undo the deleterious effects of bad eating habits and sloth, in addition to centuries of shitty breeding habits for most of us. The most important thing, in my opinion, is your training. That’s because I’m primarily concerned with the development of strength, and muscle as a secondary effect. We all know that you cannot really out-train a bad diet, but all the dieting in the world isn’t going to build strength and muscle without training. Therefore, training is the bedrock of C&P. Follow that with diet. If you eat like is the inclusion of supplements in your regime. Hermann Goerner never took a supplement. Of that much, I can assure you. That didn’t stop him from deadlifting an epic 727 lbs. with one fucking hand. Throughout the ages, the world has Page 131


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produced a wide variety of heavily muscled, bad motherfuckers, like Hermann Goerner, Milo of Croton, every single athlete who sat for a Greek or Roman statue, Punjabi wrestlers, etc. They all focused on two things, instead of supplementation (though they all dabbled in a variety of odd supplements throughout the ages): TRAINING AND DIET. What , then, should you include? I’ve covered it above, but protein and a multi are the bedrock of your supplementation, NOT CREATINE. For some reason, every sloppy motherfucker on the planet seems to think that creatine is the essential ingredient into any workout program, to the exclusion of every other fucking thing of which you could think, including heavy squats and deadlifts. Creatine isn’t fucking magic- in fact, if you eat red meat on a regular basis, it’s basically useless, because red meat contains plenty of creatine. And your body can only absorb so much of it FurTo recap: TRAIN FUCKING HARD. EAT LIKE A CAVEMAN. STOP YAMMERING ABOUT INCONSEQUENTIAL SHIT, AND LIFT SOME MORE. REPEAT.

Homer Simpson: “I only eat food in bar form. When you concentrate food, you unleash its awesome power, I’m told. That’s why I’m compressing 5 pounds of spaghetti into a handy mouth-sized bar. (eats it, then dials phone)

That’s about the long and the short of it. The fact that something is in a health food store, or is branded as a supplement, does not make it good for you, and does not mean that it’s going to help you get stronger, more muscular, or leaner. People consistently fail to realize this fact, due to ignorance of what “healthy” is, because they’re snowed by marketing, and because they are simply too fucking stupid to know the difference. Though Homer seems like a fucking retard for having the idea that any food in a bar form is good for him, there are plenty of motherfuckers running around who erroneously think that the following are worth consuming: Clif Bars food” contains a whopping 21 g of sugar weighed against a paltry 9 g of protein. As if that were not enough of a nutritional ass-raping, the Clif Bar is chock full of man-tit and limp-cock making soy, which is just what every man needs in his life. “But the sugar comes from brown rice syrup” you say? Go fuck yourself. Sugars come in many forms, and guess what- THEY’RE STILL SUGPage 132


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AR. The source of the sugar is negligible when you’re consuming 21g in a go, especially when it’s consumed with Soy Protein Isolate, Organic Roasted Soybeans, Organic Soy Flour, Soy White Chocolate, and Organic Soy Butter. Soy white chocolate? What kind of fucking evil, man-hating fucking hates you. Did I mention they also make a “Builders Bar” that contains 20g of protein? Yup. Not only is the Organic Oat Fiber, and Soy Lecithin. Yippee! If you happen to look them up, out of morbid curiosity, you’ll see they contain “chicory syrup” and chicory. Chicory is essentially poor-man’s coffee, term (non GRAS and non- CFR compliant) for high fructose syrup.” I don’t know what Clif looks like, but I’d imagine it’s a lot like this: Balance Bars Trust meat some point, we’ve all grabbed one in a time of catabolism and scarfed it down, in hope that it will at least provide us with enough muscle-sparing properties to get us to real food. and 30% fat, so it has to be okay for you, right? Wrong, fuckface. That diet is spawned by the same mindset of mediocrity that produced the alleged television “comedy” show “Reba” and artistically disinclined, noisome, aural nightmare that is Muzak, both of which are proof that the gods all hate us. They’re marginally better than Clif bars, in that they contain 13g of protein, but they still contain 16g of sugar, and 7g of fat. Six grams of that nutritional shit show comes from soy, and the source of sugars is high maltose corn syrup and sugar. If that’s not enough, these three fuckers below apparently love Balance Bars so much that they’re willing to endorse them on bodybuilding. You’re fat better off getting a Quarter Pounder from McDonalds, frankly- there’s no sugar, no soy, costs the same, and you’re getting 24g of protein. Plus, you won’t have to associate yourself with douchebags who eat Balance bars. Power Bar Protein+ I’m sure it goes without saying that these bars taste like shit. Anyone who’s ever had the grave misfortune to try a powerbar has instantly regretted the decision. Well, with the Protein+ bar, you can protein in them, but they also contain 19g of sugar, and the ubiquitous soy protein with which we are perpetually plagued. Promax Bars Anytime there’s more sugar in the thing you’re eating than protein, it’s not fucking healthy. Promax can take their 20 grams of protein and stuff them up their undoubtedly fat asses, because eaters of these fucking things get to choose between diabetes and obesity at the end of their lives, or maybe Page 133


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get a bit of both. Twenty eight grams of sugar? What the fuck were they thinking? Any Brownie Sold in a Health Food Store, with the notable exception of the Met-Rx brownie Brownies are not healthy, no matter where they’re sold. If you eat Glenny’s 100 Calorie Brownies, you are a fucking idiot for a couple of reasons. 1. You suck at math. They claim to contain 100 calories. 40 come from fat, apparently, in spite of the fact that they allegedly contain 4g of fat, which would be 36 calories (9 per gram, dummy). We’ll put that idiocy aside for a moment and look at the carbs (12g) and protein (4 g). First, we’ll is 104. Thus, for a variety of reasons, Glenny is a liar, and probably a syphilitic whore, and you are mathematically retarded. 2. They’re full to the fucking brim of soy. Enjoy your nonexistent libido. While I’m on the subject, those 100 calorie snack things you invariably see women eating are fucking stupid. 100 calories of Doritos is still 100 calories of bullshit. Additionally, I’ve never seen a woman eat just one of the fucking things. Eating multiple small servings is the same thing as eating one big fucking serving, the exception being that the small servings all have their own packaging, which creates more trash, and is worse for the environment. Apparently, the simpletons eating those things hate everyone else as much as they hate themselves. Thanks, fatasses. Think before you eat, fuckers.

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“I’m creative, I’m young, unscrupulous, highly motivated, highly skilled. In essence what I’m saying is that society cannot afford to lose

TESTOSTERONE BOOSTING HOW TO RAISE YOUR TEST LEVELS LIKE A FUCKING CAVEMAN One of the most often asked questions at Ye Olde Vitamin Shoppe is regarding that of testosterone levels, and how to raise them. I used to get marks coming in daily asking about Prime, Halodrol, etc., and they all want to know how to raise their test levels. THIS JUST IN: Steroids work. The laughably pathetic excuses for “prohormones” on the market these days don’t work. If they do work, they’re not prohormones at all- they’re either designer steroids or extremely old steroids not in production when steroids were criminalized in the 1990s. Chlorodrol, Superdrol, Winavar, M14ADD, DMZ, Cyanostane, etc. all fall under this category. not steroids. Frankly, you would be better off laying hands on illegal gear from a reputable source and doing it right if you’re going to do it, as you’ll get better gains and fewer sides than you will with the “legal” stuff. As for the stuff you see on the shelves at your local big box supplement store, however, it’s worse than useless and not worth spending money on for any reason. If it worked, none of those stores would have insurance enough to carry it. But wait, young padawan... There is a way to raise your test levels, get some GPP in, and Studies have shown conclusively that ejaculations lead to marked increases in serum testosterone levels. The more you cum, the higher your test levels! One study done on rats by the Instituto de Neuroetologia, Universidad Veracruzana, Xalapa, Ver., Mexico showed that after 2 ejaculations there was a steep rise in serum testosterone and remained higher even after 4 ejaculations in a row! Then after you lift, your test levels are elevated, so you get in your postworkout shake, or my favorite, Tri-O-Plex Chocolate Chip Cookies. When you get home, bang your girl, or your buddy’s girl, rub one out, or just club a random broad over the head and drag her into the bushes for a minI have a rock solid rule- no matter what is going on in my life, I get off a bare minimum of three times a day, and more if I can. Many, many more times, if I can. I apply the same philosophy to sex that I do to lifting- more is better, and much more is MUCH better. As such, I stay lean as hell, and I fucking SWEAT testosterone. Higher testosterone levels mean better protein synthesis, more aggression, less bodyfat, and basically make you a bigger badass. Throw on top of that the GPP you get from jerking it, or fucking, and you’ve got a combo made in the ninth circle of hell, a place I will undoubtedly call home one day. Page 135


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YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MUCH TESTOSTERONE, SERIOUSLY Have you ever been at a county fair, minding your own business, eating one of those 5 lb turkey legs and debating on whether the freakshow would be worth the $10 ission, when all of the sudden you’re accosted by a drunken Irishman screaming “Black’s the white of my eye! Who here will tell me that it’s fucking not?” Did you notice a massive all-in brawl thereafter, with a bunch of people kicking the fuck out of one another simply for the sake of a good round of fustigation? No? That’s likely because modern testosterone levels are depressingly low. Though that shit used to sadly gone the way of the cocaine-infused soft drink and personal freedom in general. In fact, er men too; a man born in 1970, for example, had about 20 percent less testosterone at 35 than a man of his father’s generation at the same age” (Newswire). Though people might wonder why this is occurring, it’s pretty easy to see that the shift to eunuchs from actual males is a bit of social engineering by the state- the combination of environmental toxins, government subsidized estrogen supplements in the form of soy, criminalization of manly pastimes, and the criminalization of nearly any exogenous substance clinically proven to raise test levels (while estrogenic substances like weed are being decriminalized) would put this ball of shit squarely in the government’s court. Sweden actually took it a step further, mandating that couples would lose two months of maternity leave unless the father was the one who took it. This, of course, in spite of the fact that men can’t fucking breastfeed, can they? Oh wait, they can. A spate of articles written in the last ten years attest to this fact. In spite of the multitudinous articles written of late demonizing testosterone as the root of all evil, and a carefully constructed international psychosis regarding the use of testosterone enhancing substances, testosterone is actually a tremendously good thing. It improves, among other things (Pennebaker and McKay): • vocabulary (most notably words with more than 6 letters) • sex drive • aggression • physical strength • longevity • competitive spirit • metabolism • energy ... all the while reducing the levels of bullshit in your life like (Pennebaker): • depression • anxiety • preoccupation with money • thoughts of death Page 136


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In other words, testosterone is all that is good in the world. I’ve detailed a wide array of methods for increasing your testosterone in previous blogs and I’ve got a few new additions to the mix listed below: 1. Win, and root for winners. Testosterone increases in winners, helping them to push harder for greater advantage, while reducing in losers to protect them from further losses (Bates). Rooting for losers also results in a marked reduction in test levels, so maybe it’s time to burn your Lions jersey and pick a team that might win a Super Bowl sometime in the next fucking century. Does this revelation mean you should arm wrestle your sister? Fuck yeah! Actually, ripping your little sibling’s arm out of the socket is a fucking stupid idea. Make a habit of winning and rooting for front of you in the future. Incidentally, that would make you a cuckold. In Italy, throwing the goat at someone is an illegal hand signal indicating that the recipient is a cuckold, so if you’re at a metal 2. Take longer rest periods in between sets. One study showed that taking rest periods of two minutes raised test levels, while rest periods of one minute raised GH levels (Rahimi et al). Frankly, this seems fucking silly to me, as other studies have shown that test and GH levels are positively correlated. For the slow kids, that means if you raise one, you raise the other (Faigin 11). 3. Be fucking aggressive. Doing aggressive shit makes you more aggressive, and testosterone is positively correlated with aggression. As such, you can literally become a perpetual motion machine of awesomeness if you structure your life right- playing Call of Duty while listening to death metal and punching a heavy bag might make your balls double in size in one hour. Actually, that’s hyperbole, but that would be fucking awesome if it was true (Patterson and Anderson). On a side note, ‘black’s the white of my eye’, is a defunct sailor’s phrase that indicates indignant rebuttal of a charge of misdemeanor and that all he has just said is the truth,

More ideas, from past blogs: • Handle a gun. This makes you more aggressive, presumably because you’re holding the sum total of violent intent form every pre-gunpowder generation in your bare hands. • Colors like red and black can boost your test levels, as they’re awesome. Frankly, anything associated with the A-Team should make any red-blooded American’s cock hard. • Being alone in a room with a woman ly unfuckable as to cause you to consider them fodder for a trip to the camps, but apparently average looking women will do. • Enjoyable music increases dopamine levels, and dopamine levels are positively correlated with testosterone levels, so music you like (i.e. metal) will probably increase your test levels. Page 137


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Additional random facts I’ve recently learned about testosterone: • The tears of women lower test levels in men. This is ironic, given that Genghis Khan fucked more than any other human being on Earth, and he claimed “The greatest pleasure is to vanquish your enemies and chase them before you, to rob them of their wealth and see those dear to them bathed in tears, to ride their horses and clasp to your bosom their wives and daughters.” research. Interestingly, the scent of tears made men think “fuck that bitch” rather than “I want to fuck that bitch” or “awwwwww”. Additionally, I found it odd that the mere sight of a crying women was found to be sexually unappealing and created a drop in test, given that I’ve not seen a decent deep throat scene in my life that didn’t involve some tears. And slapping. And vomiting. I’m pretty sure this makes me a bad person. Luckily, my test levels are high enough that I don’t care. Changing gears, competition has been shown in studies to increase test levels in women. That may or may not have something to do with the aforementioned oddity, but I’ll leave that for you people to decide. Prior to competition, women’s’ test levels raise far more than do their male counterparts, an average of 49% increase as opposed to a 15% increase in men. As such, it might behoove those and stronger as a result.

HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE- BEHOLD THE

! -

en. My faith in humanity, what little was left, has been rent asunder, thrown into a sewer, and shit upon by albino rats the size of bull terriers. How could this be, though? Isn’t this a book about Alpha Males? A call to arms for the last few ass-kicking, maidenhood-stealing, life-ruining, brigandage-loving, rough motherfuckers full of spit and vinegar to band together to wipe out the pseudo-males who currently surround us and confound our every effort to enjoy our lives? Nope. It’s a handbook for total pussies to follow so they can ape the real men, while refraining from actually engaging in any behavior Alpha males might enjoy. To wit, here’s an actual bit of Q&A from the book:

be coached into becoming an alpha- it doesn’t work. An alpha naturally leads. He naturally does what he fucking wants, and knocks the shit out of anything standing betwixt himself and the thing he wants, be it pussy or the contents of a bank vault. He doesn’t require coaching reminiscent of “The Secret” to hope for what he wants, and he sure as shit doesn’t use like “Alpha Empathy.” Page 138


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This book, folks, is a tragedy of epic fucking proportions. Allow me to elucidate. To begin, the book opens with a mealy-mouthed plea for men to stop being pussies, all the while giving a laundry list of excuses for why the “men” to whom they’re appealing act like menopausal women. The authors, James Villepigue and Rick Collins, blame the stress of modern life for the paucity of testosterone running through the veins of American men, and offers them a “challenge” in the form of a “positive and empowering call to action.” Sluts and motherfuckers, we are off to a shit-show of a start. They do, however, pause to give you a list of things you should not do if you want to keep your test levels up. They are as follows, with my parenthetical addendums: • DO NOT MARRY (UNLESS YOU PLAN ON BEING A SWINGER). Test levels decline after marriage because the male is no longer competing for the attention of his mate (5). • DON’T GET OLD OR FAT (UNLESS YOU’RE JACKING A SHITLOAD OF TEST). 1/3 of men over the age of 45 have clinically low testosterone levels, and the odds of low testosterone are 2.4 times higher in obese men. Additionally, test levels drop 1-2% a year after the age of 35, so you need to adjust your supplementation regimes accordingly (4). • DO NOT, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY, HAVE (LEGITIMATE) CHILDREN. Physically active males average 8 hours of exercise a week (pussies). Those with children, however, average a paltry 3.5 (3). • DO NOT LIVE IN THIS CENTURY (UNLESS TRIBULUS IS A CORNERSTONE OF YOUR SUPPLEMENTATION REGIME). A study in the Journal of Clinical Endocrinology and Metabolism showed a progressive decline in testosterone levels in men since 1987, and another study shows a steady drop in semen quality since it began being studied in 1934 (7). After those tidbits, however, the shit-show begins in earnest. Collins, who’s an expert in steroid litigation and legality, and Villepigue, who’s an expert in posing with his arms crossed, then call violent, assertive bad boys “faux alpha males”, and suggests that becoming an “Alpha” will allow you to “be a better person and a better citizen, a better father and husband, a better co-worker or a better boss, [and] a better caretaker of yourself and those around you.” HOLY HORSESHIT, BATMAN! Let’s list some legendary alpha males and their credentials, shall we? Teddy Roosevelt. Insanely pissed off and motivated, he organized his own private army to the Spanish American War after being denied a commission in the US Army. After leading the Rough Riders on a variety of near-suicidal missions, Roosevelt went on to the White House, where he fought pro boxers and wrestlers in the White House, regularly went skinny dipping in the Potomac, and refused to enter our nation into any wars because he would not be allowed to participate barked upon a badass expedition in the Amazon that resulted in having a river named after him. FiSeize the moment. Man was never intended to become an oyster.” Genghis Khan. Insanely bad man who, after being orphaned, went on to conquer an entire conPage 139


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many- 8% of the people in Asia, 700 years after his death, bear his genes. Though most of his time was spent with the business of killing anyone within arm’s reach and building pyramids with their heads, Genghis still found time to marry six women and utilize a massive harem, and is crediting with fathering at least HUNDREDS of children, if not thousands. “The greatest pleasure is to vanquish your enemies and chase them before you, to rob them of their wealth and see those dear to them bathed in tears, to ride their horses and clasp to your bosom their wives and daughters.” Ulf Hreda. Hreda’s a lesser-known, yet still epically awesome Alpha male well known in Ireland of the 11th Century for slaughtering legions of motherfuckers with a broadsword. Under High King Brian Boru, Ulf the Quarrelsome (best nickname ever!) led an army through Ireland, uniting it under one rule and stabbing anyone who said boo to him before they could draw their swords. Did he need to do much else? I think not. “Wolf the Quarrelsome cut open Brodir’s belly, and led him round and round the trunk of a tree, and so wound all his entrails out of him, and he did not die before they were all drawn out of him. Brodir’s warriors were slain to a man.” or a similar pack or troop of animals, that other submit to and follow and that takes priority in mating with females (according to Encarta). They are not, however, the touchy-feely douches detailed in the soiled pages of The Alpha Male Challenge. They don’t “value emotional intelligence” and then call this hippie psychobabble claptrap “alpha empathy”, as do Villepigue and Collins on page 48- they’re too busy fucking broads in public thoroughfares and slapping the living piss out of anyone who has something to say about it. devotes an entire chapter to developing the proper mindset to ape an Alpha Male. This chapand presence, which they claim will garner them respect. What it will really get them, however, is mocked for their misplaced sense of conscience, because every real man in the room will see right through that carefully-crafted facade of courageousness, mental toughness, and “having a conscience.” Do you think Genghis Khan had a conscience? I highly fucking doubt it. He was too busy leave the less tasty bits to his pet falcons.

I could not make this shit up if I tried. The Malescale has its readers answer ten questions on a scale of 1-10. Questions like: • “I am very good at looking at things from the viewpoint of other people” • “I tried my hardest over the past week to help people in need without being rewarded or expecting something in return” • “I can resist eating my favorite junk food even when others are eating it in front of me” Page 140


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Thereafter, they list 5 assessments of Alpha Architecture: 1. Flexed bicep measurement 2. Chest to waist differential 3. Vertical leap 4. Max bench vs body weight (because “there is no greater measure of male superiority in the gym than the bench press”. Really? I’m guessing they’re referring to Bally’s, and you’d have to look methinks.) 5. The 300 run (25 yd gassers in between two lines) So, rather than judging one’s self on the ability to fuck bitches and lead men, as per the Encartrained legs at Bally’s. Fantastic. wheels then fall off, as they suggest a macro ratio that smacks of the zone, and tell their betas that it’s ok to eat fruit popsicles (what kind of fucking man eats popsicles? Do they think the Duke ate them? Chuck Bronson just couldn’t wait for a fudgesicle after dinner? Sweet baby Jesus.), drink milk, and eat bread and oatmeal, all of which is distinctly un-paleo. Oh, and did I mention that they suggest that you have lots of fresh fruit on hand for making SMOOTHIES? The horror of this book will haunt me for the remainder of my days. But there’s more- the actual workout. I’m sure, by this point, you know that it’s going to be less manly than a threesome between Michael Jackson, Liberace, and Eddie Izzard, and you’re right- out of 52 exercises they listed (nevermind their power tube alternatives), 28 are machine exercises, 7 are ab exercises, and only three are actual compound movements. None of the workouts utilize lower than 6 reps, and the vast majority utilize rep schemes between 10 and 15 reps. Hardly man-makers, this lot. Hardly muscle-makers, either. They do, however, suggest you do cool Alpha Attitude Drills, like their Altruism one, when you attempt to hone your altruistic side by doing good works. Egoism is the antithesis of altruism. Arnold Schwarzenegger is altruism’s nemesis. That. Just. Happened. Or, you can choose from their “Play Heart Activity Menu, which has an alpha extreme: supervision required” list, including water skiing, parkour, sphereing, and triathlon. HOW THE FUCK WOULD ONE SEEK SUPERVISION WHILE FREE RUNNING? Oh, and if you’re curious, sphereing consists of rolling downhill in a massive hamster ball. Yup. In summary, consider self-castration with a rusty spoon as an alternative to following the form and letter of this book, which is so patently offensive to masculinity as a whole that the authors of this piece of shit should commit Aeppuku on Good Morning America in attrition for their actions. I think I need to go smash something with my bare hands while operating heavy machinery and

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ENOUGH ALREADY: On nearly every strength training and bodybuilding website on the internet, there’s some jackass asking a question to which the answer should be obvious- “will jerking off/fucking negatively impact my workouts?” Now, putting aside the fact that said moron should drown himself in a fucking me to lay this sick dog to rest: Sexual activity and Badassery are inextricably intertwined. This should not be anything that needs to be investigated, as it seems about as obvious as anything could possibly be. • Watch porn. Men and women’s’ test level raise 100% and 80% in response to sexual stimuli. That means that both of your libidos will rise accordingly, due to the fact that both men and women’s’ sex drives are dependant on their testosterone levels (New Scientist). Additionally, studies have shown that sexual stimuli will increase both LH production and test levels, so not only will your cock be rock hard, fellas, but you’ll be droppin’ motherfucking loads like Nick Manning all the live long day (Stoleru). • Fuck or masturbate (or both) AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. A study in Mexico showed that serum testosterone levels in rats rose markedly after two consecutive orgasms, and even further after four (Hernandez). Additionally, “frequent sex improves sex hormone regulation in men and women, and boosts blood vessel health.... [and] Frequent ejaculation reduces the risk of prostate enlargement and cancer (JSM). On top of that, studies have shown that in addition to those posyour body to produce more adrenaline, prolactin, and killer cells, which in turn improves immune system function.(BB.com) Thus, by getting off as much as humanly possible, you’re generating a shitload of testosterone in both men and women, leutinizing hormone in men, and improving your recovery time from hard workouts in both. It goes without saying that you’re also getting off, which means that you’ll have elevated levels of dopamine (which reduces pain and improves mood), and that you’ll be burning calories, which will make you leaner, in addition to improving your cardio. For those guys, who like me, want kids like they want AIDS, there’s more good news with this type of a compulsive fucking/masturbating scheme- your sperm count drops like a motherfucker (to about 27% of norm). That means (though I’m not endorsing this) you can go bareback without the bare facts and not worry quite so much (Freund). In the second half of this, I’ll go into a bit more detail, but in the meantime, use this as a reason to spend Labor Day laboring your ass off in the bedroom. Page 142


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ENOUGH ALREADY: Never before have I been so pleased at my ability to sow the seeds of discord as i have been with this series of blogs. Frankly, I thought that everyone could agree that we should all fuck more and masturbate more, since getting off is pretty much the best fucking thing to happen in the history of or something, which is as hilarious as it is sad. Still others are deeply convinced by a study done in China that cumming more than once every seven days is less than optimal. That’s understandable, I suppose, because recent studies have shown that 9/10 of the people on Earth suck really fucking hard, and 19/20 of the people on the planet suck anywhere between a lot and really fucking hard. shadow of a doubt, that libido is heavily dependent on testosterone in both men and women. For both, supplemental testosterone is positively indicated to treat hypoactive sexual desire, which would indicate that more testosterone creates more sex drive. For evidence of this, you merely need to google it- I’m not going to post citations to the dozens and dozens of studies that corroborate my statement. Should you feel the need to do so, feel free- I assure you that this is for all intents and purposes an incontrovertible fact. Given that this is a fact, it would stand to reason that engaging in sexual activity would not negatively affect your sex drive, as to do so would defeat imperative towards procreation, and diminish one’s interest in sexual activity, which would indicate that one’s genetic material would not get ed on to subsequent generations. Thus, the idea that fucking or jerking off would lower test levels is fucking absurd. Casting logic aside, as so many people appear to do when it comes to sex, let’s continue to look at the science. First, a recent study has shown that optimal sexual performance requires hormonal changes that are best developed through regular sexual activity. acquire a good level of sexual performance. While 42.5% of the rats displayed excellent sexual performance during the training sessions, 17.5% showed adequate performance, 7.5% had low sexual activity, and 32.5% of the rats did not display any sexual behaviors whatsoever. Additionally, after 4 days of training, rats with excellent/adequate performance showed low or no sexual activity had lower progesterone levels relative to those displaying the highreduced in animals with low/no sexual performance compared with excellent/adequate Page 143


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This means that fucking/jerking off a great deal will reduce your downtime, make you a better lay, and will raise your testosterone levels. Given that it’s my supposition (backed by science) that sexual activity raises testosterone levels, this is fairly compelling- not only does it raise your test levels, but it provides you with the necessary biological response to get you laid more, rather than less (as the obliquely cited Chinese study above would assert). As an aside- practice makes fucking perfect with sex. There are entire books devoted to helping you train to be a better lay (like Built for Sex and Nate Green’s book), and everyone from urologists to sex therapists recommend that masturbation is the perfect way to prime the pump for people with low libidos. Additionally, for those of you who might be a little quick on the draw, there’s some evidence that compulsive levels of masturbatory activity will increase your staying power and your turnaround time. That’s just a little icing on the cake for you. If knights in the Middle Ages would practice fucking goose down with 30 lbs of weights attached to their hips so they could fuck without removing their armor, you people can spend a few hours a week jerking it like you mean it For those ladies out there, personal experience and some studies I failed to cite gave compelling evidence that masturbation is pretty much essential for your sex drives and markedly increase your chances of cumming during sex (although overuse of pocket rockets seem to desensitize the clit like no other, so take it easy with those things). As I cited in the last blog, orgasms raise female test levels as well, and will thus make you stronger, leaner, and generally more awesome in just about every way, so start giving it up (at least to yourselves, if not to anyone else). Next, there’s no evidence whatsoever ing the idea that orgasms from sex or onanism in any way have a negative physical effect on athletic performance, and there is some evidence showing that sex within 24 hours of competition actually improves it (Hayes 205, Sohn). There’s anecdotal evidence, however, that the psychological effect of sex can have an either positive or negative effect on athletic performance, but it’s unknown whether this is due to some particular psychological makeup, or if it’s simply a placebo effect. I’m inclined toward the latter, due to the fact that many people appear to convince themselves that certain activities or supplements will result in a given effect and create the perception of the effect simply by willing it to be so. If your body can reduce your perception of pain due to the expectation of a reduction in pain (Mirsky), then it would stand to reason that you could either suck or kick ass in athletics from the placebo effect as well. Finally, and in direct relation to the title of this blog- there’s direct evidence that badassery and a both the penultimate badass and the most impressive sexual athlete of all time. There’s really no evidence of a dedicated masturbatory schedule for Genghis, but this is likely due to the fact that he was far too busy fucking and killing to have a spare moment for masturbation- .5% of the people in the world trace their lineage to Genghis (34,336,748.6 people on Earth can honestly call him Page 144


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their super-great-grandpa) and the Mongols are credited with the deaths of 40 million people. Additionally, he was credited with having “great physical strength”, so any idea that he was weakened by sex can be discarded. Right up there with Genghis was Rasputin, proud owner of a cervix-destroying 13” Godzilla cock, the ability to control the weather, massive physical strength, and the only libido on Earth that could match Genghis’s. He fucked every broad on whom he laid eyes, including the Empress of Russia, and survived be poisoned, shot multiple times, stabbed, and strangled, only to die of drowning after he was tossed into a river. At this point, it should come as no shock to you that bad boys (who demonstrably possess more testosterone than “nice guys”) get far more ass than “nice guys” (Grayson). I would attribute this to a variety of factors, but they all boil down to testosterone in the end- guys with more test have more masculine facial features, better bodies, harder and bigger cocks, and smell better (due to their citation here, but check out the and TLC programs on this).

, the

, and sundry Discovery Channel

The Jewish god killed Onan because he refused to knock up his brother’s wife, not because he jacked it or blew his loads on her back. If you’re unconvinced, at this point, that extraordinarily frequent orgasms are hormonally essential and indispensable for your overall health, you’re either dyslexic or a fundamentalist Christian. In ridiculously happy motherfuckers, but you’ll see positive changes in body recomposition, overall wellness, and athletic performance.

Let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.

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MENTAL EVIL WILL ALWAYS TRIUMPH, BECAUSE GOOD IS DUMB. I thought I’d take this opportunity to blog on a more personal note, if for no other reason than I’ve been catching shit from just about everyone recently, and I’ve enjoyed it thoroughly. I’ve been accused of being everything from an attention whore to gay, retarded, un-alpha, pretentious, and then simply downright, old-fashioned evil. Well, most of those are probably true. On that note, my gift to you is a hilarious email I received, and my [expanded] response. Bear in mind, on this most materialistic and consumer-driven spending smorgasbord, that this is a guy to whom I’ve been giving advice for a couple of years, over the phone and via email, and since his divorce have been to facilitate his ass-getting adventures. Additionally, he has two kids who are handicapped in some manner. Clearly, in spite of my good deeds, he’s got plenty of reason to hate me just on the kids deal. The email: only relevant things to a mans life are to kill people and fuck women? I mean, I have my respect for the conquerors of the past, but I don’t idolize those motherfuckers for their morale [sic] whatever. Are you living in a fucking movie or something? Do you really think that is all there is to human life? Your comments on retarded people and cripples (my son included), you think that is a show of real strength? What the fuck is wrong with you dude? I have a lot of respect for you, I really do, but your lack of honor and respect for those types of people, and myself, shows a really weak side of you, that looks to me like you can’t deal with. I realize the fact that you have no responsibility past yourself, you have told me that yourself. I have always prized myself on being strong and not living in fear that I can’t show myself, or how I feel about shit. I don’t have to hide it under a bunch of cliché macho fucking bullshit. For example, I like the movie The Notebook. Oh, am I a big pussy now? What the fuck is this, high school? I am not really sure if I am getting the wrong picture from the way you blog or talk about yourself, but the way you do portrays you don’t have a comionate bone in your fucking body. If your real attitude is to kill the weak, and fuck women, then you are And my somewhat expanded answer: You’re shot right out of a fucking cannon today. Well, the short version is, no, I don’t believe that that’s what a man is supposed to do. I do KNOW, however, that that’s what alpha males of any species do. They’re not necessarily good fathers, but they produce a lot of kids. I criticized the fact that you had The Notebook Page 146


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balls about The Notebook. Just because I think your love of the movie is 11 different kinds of hilarious doesn’t mean I’m judging you as a person. I’m not Christian, and I don’t bother with judging people. I leave that to them. As to your criticism that I am “taking human evolution backwards” fucking moron- you are intentionally diluting the gene pool with your failure and forcing a creature that should not live through an existence no one should have to endure. As such, you’re an your mutant on society at large so we can its existence, and the possibility of its children’s existence. I might be socially retarded and emotionless, but you’ve taken active and tangible steps towards weakening humanity. Congratulations. and purposes, a Satanist. This means I have as much physical pleasure as possible without impeding others’ ability to do the same. Insofar as I follow any belief system, I’m an Odinist, and I pretty much live by the nine Noble Virtues: 1. Strength is better than weakness 2. Courage is better than cowardice 3. Joy is better than guilt 4. Honor is better than dishonor 5. Freedom is better than slavery 6. Kinship is better than alienation 7. Realism is better than dogmatism 8. Vigor is better than lifelessness 9. Ancestry is better than universalism You and I are just going to have to agree to disagree on human evolution. I think comion has irrevocably fucked up human evolution, and we’re a shell of our former selves. That’s one man’s opinion. It might be wrong, but as my opinion either way is worth a bucket of warm piss in the grand scheme of things, I’ll feel free to give it. Finally, you of all people should recognize the fact that my writing style represents a somewhat out of people. As such, I thoroughly enjoyed your email and your righteous indignation, which was hilarious, given the fact that I 1. proclaim to the heavens that I’m a total asshole all over my blog, and 2. have taken a decent amount of time to help you out with a variety of things and chat with you, which would seem to indicate that I don’t spend a lot of time judging you or your kids. For the record, however, I’m really not terribly comionate. I’m occasionally empathetic, but I don’t do a lot of hand-wringing about it, and it almost never extends past people whom I personally know well. Page 147


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Sympathy and empathy are two traits that should have remained the sole purview of women, but for whatever reason (I blame Christianity for this as well), men have gotten in on the game as well. Now, they’re puttering around the house wearing aprons and breastfeeding their children while their wives withhold sex from them and earn money for the household. It’s horseshit, and begets weakness.

In short, it’s better to be hated than forgotten. Evil Will Always Triumph, Because Good Is Dumb: The Science Few things in life have bothered me more than the propensity for Hollywood to allow the fucking mealy-mouthed weenie to win. Every. Single. Time. Darth Vader got his shit handed to him by a tiny, sister-fucking douche with big hair, Ivan Drago and Clubber Lang both got their asses whipped by a mentally challenged man half their size, fucking Frank Dux beat the master of Asian disaster and reigning world champion of pectoral overdevelopment Chong Li... the list is fucking endless. Well, my friends, I’ve got good news- according to scientists, that shit is not happening in real life. Instead, it’s the bad guys (and girls) who fuck the most, have the best sex, are the strongest, the most aggressive, and generally better in every possible way. According to science, should have ended with Chris Evans ripping off one of Michael Cera’s emaciated arms dies of bloodloss. Why? Because evil always wins, and bad guys always get the girl. For those of you who missed the original installment of this series, it pretty much stemmed from the fact that I get called an asshole. A lot. So much, in fact, that I found it necessary to repost an email I got with an expanded reply detailing the ways in which I’m a half-assed Satanist, hate pretty much everybody, and generally rule. His missive was written in response to my excellent critique of the Alpha Male Challenge, and was for the most part fucking ridiculous... especially because I’m right. world. In this particular case, it seems that science has been co-opted by a bunch of my fellow suburban white picket fence fantasy’s going to leave you a miserable cuckold in a beige house with an empty wallet, a minivan, and a pack of screaming kids. On the other hand, “evil” people like myself are going to be busy banging everything in sight, dripping with testosterone, lifting obscene amounts of weight, and generally making life our punk bitch. To whom, then, are we referring? We’re referring to those parties dressed in black who enter a room looking like they’re going to smash something, making children cry at every opportunity, and generally think they’re the shit. I’m not talking “Chuck Manson stabs you in the fucking spine evil”, as that sort of evil presents a wide array of social problems and generally comes with enough Page 148


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boy/edgy slut, however, kick all sorts of ass. The types of people who are “clearly disagreeable, very extroverted and like trying new things - killing people, new women”... these are the people who live the best lives (Yerman). We’re talking people like Vin Diesel’s character in Pitch Black, Jason Statham or Amy Smart in the Crank series, or Clint Eastwood in just about anything- badasses, and not “good guys”, but not out to royally fuck over everyone on the planet... maybe just fuck them and then roll some asshole for his wallet in the parking lot. According to science: • The way they dress fucking rules. The bad boys and girls in the movies almost never wear anything but dark clothing, and there’s a good reason for it. Whether it’s Jaime Pressly in Torque or Darth Maul, you know when they enter the room that someone’s getting fucked, and someone’s getting fucked up. This is because the color black makes us more aggressive, and may far more aggressive, violent, and audacious... which basically means that they’re a hell of a lot more awesome (Smith 513). I tend to wear a hell of a lot of black in the gym, and apparently it’s for damn good reason. • They get laid a hell of a lot more than the average bear. Scientists have found that people who score highest in narcissism, machiavellianism, and psychopathy have a MUCH higher body count. They fuck more often, and fuck many more people (Yerman). This is due to a couple of factors, it appears, including: • men to be far more sexually appealing than that of douchebag fratboys, fatbodies, or skinny nerds. According to one article, women pick up on the scent of guys with high testosterone levels and instantly get wet for them, due to the fact that they perceive those guys as more virile (Montaner). • They’re unmarried. Married men have test levels like pubescent girls, and the more time they spend with their wife and kids, the worse it gets (Gray 2004). This is compounded by the fact that married people sleep far worse than do single people (who get their own bed), which raises their cortisol levels and correspondingly decreases their test levels further (New Scientist). This, in turn, makes them smell less good to their spouse, which gets them laid less, and the cycle continues until they’re driving a powder blue minivan and helping their wife decorate the stage for their daughter’s ballet recital. • They don’t have kids. The above-cited Gray also dropped this happy little nugget on us childless assholes- testosterone levels in married men with kids were lower than married guys with kids and, of course, unmarried men. Don’t believe me? Suck on this: “Among married men without children, higher scores on a “spousal investment” measure and more hours spent with a man’s wife on his last day off work were both associated with lower T levels. We suggest that lower T levels during the day among fathers may facilitate paternal care in humans by decreasing the likelihood that a father will engage in competitive and/or mating behavior” (Gray 2002). How much does that suck? Not only does marriage automatically mean your sex life’s on its last legs, but even Page 149


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your body betrays a man to the point where he may well not even be able to get it up if he manages to pry apart the rusty spring trap his wife’s legs have become. This is why Cougarlife.com exists, I suppose. Thanks, married guys! • They’re probably sluts. Unpartnered heterosexual men and (interestingly) non-heterosexual women have higher testosterone levels when not in a relationship. This may be, however, due to the fact that people with lower testosterone levels generally place themselves in relationships in • They have high testosterone levels. High testosterone levels have been linked to ingoing to be impressive, but your bank is going to get FUCKED. Pre-nup, anyone? My recommendation’s actually open relationships- that way, everyone get’s laid, there’s no sneaking, and there’s a very high likelihood of group sex [Ed- If you don’t like group sex, you’ve really got no reason to read this blog] (Thaindian News). much, why they have better sex, and why they’re stronger than nice guys.

EVIL WILL TRIUMPH, BECAUSE GOOD IS DUMB: Well, the bottom line, what I’m trying to tell you tonight, is that evil...eeeevil... is necessary. Evil is necessary, thereby, if it’s necessary, evil... - Evil... - ...must be good. Evil is good. Brigands, thugs, hooligans, scoundrels... anti-heroes and anti-heroines. That’s who grabs the fucking ring at the top of a mountain after three movies consisting of nothing but a shitload of walking, punctuated by brief periods of sobbing and a hell of a lot of Liv Tyler not being shirtless, not some fatass and his pre-pubescent shitheel friend- that shit only happens in godawful movies and overly-long, badly written stories. This is why the Punisher and Batman’s sales will always beat Superman’s, and why the white knights of the interwebz will continue to remain unlaid- no one fucks a nice guy, and few people will follow a “nice guy” anywhere but to church. Not unlike the legendary strength and tenacity of Wolverine, regular people with a mean streak have been shown in a variety of studies to outperform the nice. This should come as no surprise to anyone- just like the ultra evil Darkseid killed off goody two-shoes, Cub Scout Superman, African honey badgers tear the living shit out of much larger animals like gazelles, fuels by nothing but hate and a diet heavy in meat products. Like the honey badger and Darkseid, it’s critical that you channel your inner Hulk and fucking yell and smash until whatever stands in your way is reduced to smoking rubble.

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dancing face? There’s actually a pretty fucking good reason for that hand clenching- other than looking cool, it makes the clencher stronger. Experiments show that physically gripping something boosts your endurance and mental willpower. This phenomenon hasn’t just been restricted shoulders better than anyone- rather, it’s been proven in a whole series of experiments. In one, they found that people could endure pain twice as long (in this case, from holding their hands in icy water) if they squeezed the holy fuck out of an object with their other hand at the same time. Another study found that the same could be applied to people trying to exhibit a modicum of willpower clenched like they were summoning their inner Hugh Jackman meets Ambrose Burnside, they were far better at resisting the urge to buy junk food. Take note, those of you with shitty willpower- if you just act angry as all hell at your bodyfat when ordering a meal, you’re far more likely to eat like a machine and hate yourself into looking good (Daily Mail). And you know what makes you stronger still? Thinking evil thoughts. I realize that at this point it sounds like I’m making this shit up, but according to a study at Harvard, people who imagined themselves doing shit like raping puppies and knocking over liquor stores were able to hold a ladies across the road or telling your booty call that you respect them in the morning. Yes, ladies, this means that channeling your most horrible tentacle rape fantasy might enable you to squat more... although I cannot be held able if you kill yourself under a heavy weight dues to leg Speaking of hentai, porn does a body good. According to some sources, pornographers pointedly attempt to elicit the “maximum drug/hormone release by mixing sexual images with male dominance, aggression and violent images intended to shock and stimulate simultaneously”, which stimulates the production of much higher baseline levels of hormones essential to getting strong and lean, “especially testosterone, but also adrenaline, epinephrine, and others”. Not only does it create an awesome bio loop, particularly in men, but watching porn causes an immediate release of “enormous amounts of additional testosterone, which further increase male narrowing, loss of reason, feelings of aggression, and sexual drive and arousal.” In other words, porn lets you win while you’re watching it, and then win again thereafter when you experience heightened baseline levels of testosterone thereafter (Netnanny). But what about furry porn / shit porn / tentacle rape / throatfucking or whatever dark secret-style porn you have lurking on your computer? Great news, ladies and gentleman- that shit simply makes you more awesome. According to M. Williams, paraphilias are triggered by, and cause the release of, massive amounts of testosterone. That shit is so potent, in fact, that psychiatrists use massive doses of anti-angrogenic drugs like methylprogesterone to control these “deviant” predilections. As such, you should probably just go ahead and masturbate to www.hogtied.com to your hearts’ content... though I’d refrain from doing so at work (Williams). Page 151


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While we’re on the subject of sexual peccadilloes, spanking appears to increase aggression as well. Studies have shown that frequent use of corporal punishment, even mild corporal punishment, correlates with increased levels of aggression.(Taylor) Other studies, like that of Mazur and McDermott have “stated that males with higher testosterone levels tend to be slightly more aggressive, and argue that this appears to be due to the way acting aggressively raises testosterone levels els as well, particularly when a person is on the offensive.(Salvador) As such, the next time you’re

For those of you out there without a ready sexual partner, fret not- the Dark Side’s got a lotta mo. activities as cursing, playing violent video games, and listening to aggressive music. Yup, those weekend nights spent screaming expletives into your headset as you slaughter motherfuckers on boost, in addition to alleviating post lifting soreness. A 2010 study by Bushman and his associates showed that “violent video games can stimulate aggression for an extended period of time.” This will, as I showed above, raise your testosterone levels in turn. Compounding that effect is the music you’ve invariably got playing in the background, as I highly doubt anyone’s rocking Abba or Neil have shown that “violent songs led to more aggressive interpretations of ambiguously aggressive words, increased the relative speed with which people read aggressive vs. nonaggressive words, and words (such as hit)”(Anderson). Rounding out this trifecta of awesome is the fact that the curse words you’re screaming at a rate that makes Goodfellas seem G-rated by comparison has actually been shown in clinical studies to reduce the perception of pain, which means that the DOMS ing on pain perception is actually shown to be more pronounced in women than men, so ladies, feel free to start swearing like sailors (Stephens). Either way, the use of expletives will allow you to endure more pain for longer than your goodie-two shoes opponents... all of which explains why the kids rocking clan tags like [GODS] suck so fucking badly as the night wears on. In short, pretty much the only good reason to ever listen to I would be to help you through a particularly brutal squat of deadlift session, as even humorous violent songs will increase aggression levels, and singing along will alleviate a considerable portion of the pain. Time to crank up the “Shaggy Show”, I suppose. Finally, for those of you who think that all of this anger is going to “burn you up”, as posited by Powers Booth in Red Dawn, studies have shown that anger is actually a healthier response to external stimuli than fear. According to researchers, people who responded to the World Trade found that people think better and more logically when angry rather than scared (Lerner). “Anger Page 152


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This means that whenever you’re driving, reading the poisonously insipid thoughts of ill-bred minds online, walking, speaking to someone in public, or brushing your teeth, you are actually doing yourself a multitude of favors by descending into a maelstrom of hate and destruction the likes of which the world hasn’t seen since the gods destroyed Japan. All that hate’s not going to burn you up- it’ll keep you warm, increase your protein utilization and give you a better sex drive. Additionally, hate sex is great sex, so you’ll have that going for you as well. Anger is a gift. gym, and it’s not just marriage. As I blogged before, marriage has a deleterious effect on testosterone production, but even more pronounced than that effect is that which occurs when a man holds an infant (Mirkin). Women, too, might want to avoid handing small children before hitting the gym, as this effect could manifest in them as well, and because “women with high levels of [testosterone] are judged more attractive by themselves and others” in addition to possibly being cantly related to ‘aggressive dominant behavior’” and that “the women’s self assessment of their own status was positively correlated with the hormone” in studies on testosterone and aggression in women. As such, it’s best to do everything you can to maximize your test levels whether you’re a man or a woman. I’d recommend latex gloves when handling babies, but I doubt that’d do you too much good. In some cases, it’s unavoidable, but you can utilize some of the above strategies to cleanse yourself if you can’t avoid baby-handling- and frankly, it gives you a damn good reason to hit up porntube. ing the other and creating a perpetual motion machine of awesome, if you give them the right kind of boosts. As such, you can literally fake it ‘til you make it, and once you make it, you will continue inexorably into the land of brutal PRs, increased “coordination, cognitive performance, and concentration”(Mazur) and generally just being a far more interesting individual.

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STOP BEING A PUSSY: GO FUCKING FERAL You can’t cut the throat of every cocksucker whose character it would improve. A Preface: Of late, I have received a tremendous volume of emails from people who wish to have me hold their hands like small children as they make their way through the gym, constantly looking to “good” emails. The bad ones are the nebulous requests for assistance in deg a program to achieve equally nebulous goals issued only after a tremendous amount of dick sucking and bullshitthat my readership has devolved into a pack of mewling babies who wish to have me push their carriages through the gym and suck my cock rather than their mommy’s tit as I do so. This will not do. The entire purpose of this site is to encourage free thought, strength of will, and conscious action. I don’t wish to mollycoddle a pack of pussies through their daily lives, and resent the implication that I do. Should you think I’m addressing you, emailers, I more than likely am. The shit is getting way out of fucking hand. I like helping people out, and many of my readers will attest to the fact that I’ve gone to great lengths to do so. When I receive an email, however, that essentially amounts to “I want to be exactly like you, Jamie, so please tell me everything I need to do so that I can be I’ve ever written. I want to club baby seals and mail their shattered bodies stuffed with dogshit to these idiots as a reply, rather than turn off my computer in disgust and wonder why the fuck I even bother. Instead, I shall make yet another lofty intellectual appeal replete with anthropological reason for why humans shouldn’t suck as a reder to this spate of bullshit, in hopes that for once you motherfuckers will get the goddamned message. That message is simple: You can and should be better, stronger, faster, leaner, and more learned than you are, and the only one who can make you so is you. Don’t send me an email how to start down the path, and don’t ask me for recommendations on what fucking shorts you should wear to the gym. If you need that much hand-holding, have your parent or caretaker lead you to the nearest gun shop and buy yourself a bullet and a gun, and put yourself out of your family’s misery. Page 154


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The Motherfucking Truth: I shall now point you to some of the historical precedents the lot of you have likely never considered, yet serve as an awesome reminder that the human animal is far more capable than we allow it to be at everything that animal wishes to do. The only thing preventing people from achieving the amazing is their brain, which due to a variety of factors tells us that we’re weaker, slower, dumber, and more pathetic than should have ever become acceptable. This is reinforced by a couple of individual issues, namely your brain’s reliance on automaticity to conserve energy and the fact that When unencumbered by those things, however, humans are capable of incredible shit- in particular, people who’ve never been told they cannot do something physically challenging end up being nearly superhuman. ment isolated from humans. People who do so are typically referred to as “feral” and as you can imagine, are 10,000 different kinds of awesome. Though many of the most amazing stories have since been debunked as hoaxes (most notably the gazelle-boys who were reported to have outrun Jeeps and helicopters to evade their pursuers), there are still enough true stories about people who became incredibly strong and fast simply because they didn’t know any better to evoke a response in even the toughest of critics. One such story, and perhaps the most compelling, is that or the Wild Girl of Champagne. This broad was perhaps one of the few in history to have been tougher than Chris “Cyborg” Santos and lived two years in the wild on a diet so paleo that Robb Wolff cries himself to sleep at night thinking about it. “When coaxed from a tree in Songi near Chalons in the French district of Champagne in 1731, she was aged about 10, barefoot, and dressed in rags and skins with a gourd leaf on her head. In a pouch she carried a cudgel and a knife inscribed with indecipherable characters. She shrieked and squeaked, and was so dirty (or possibly painted) that she was mistaken en a rabbit, she immediately skinned and devoured it. temporary witness, the famous scientist Charles Marie de la Condamine. She is said to have used her thumbs to dig out roots and swing from tree to tree like a monkey. She was a very fast runner and had phenomenally sharp eyesight. When the Queen of Poland, the mother of the French queen, ed through Champagne in 1737 to take possession of the Duchy of Lorraine, she heard about the girl and took her hunting, where she outran and killed rabbits” (Wild Things). For those of you who are unfamiliar with the practice of coursing, you’re likely unclear on exactly how hard it is to outrun a rabbit. To put it plainly, if you can outrun a rabbit, you’d set records at the NFL Combine in the 3 cone drill and the 20 yard shuttle- you’d be able to change directions Page 155


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at speed faster than many greyhounds, and could haul fucking ass uphill. Thus, not only did this broad have elite-level speed at the age of ten, but she had the upper body strength of a gymnastnever told she couldn’t be fucking amazing by the people around her. There have been many other feral children reported over the ages, ranging from bear-children to wolf-children, and even children raised by goats, pigs and birds. Those that weren’t evidently abanthat, and most of the dog-children and wolf-children seem to come from Russia or former Russian Republics) are by all s superhuman, and are generally regarded as being insanely fast quadrupedal runners. Many of them, Indian wolf-boys in particular, were said to be faster on all fours than the fastest people in the area, which is fairly ridiculous given that humans are in no way suited to running on all fours (Wild Things, Wikipedia). “Fourteen wolf-children were found in India between 1841 and 1895, seven of which were Hasunpur (near Sultanpur in what is now Uttar Pradesh), and showed most of the typical wolf child characteristics. His favorite food was raw meat, and he was unable to speak. ‘There were evident signs, on his knees and elbows, of his having gone on all-fours,’ wrote Sleeman; ‘and when asked to run on all-fours, he used to do so, and went so fast that no-one could overtake him’”(Wild Things). Additionally, these children were all reported to be much less sensitive to pain and the elements than the average person, which is a trait shared by Buddhist monks who have trained themselves to ignore pain (Wild Things, Wikipedia). For those of you who are calling bullshit, which by the emails I receive is most or all of you motherfuckers, consider this- monks who practice the meditation technique known as g Tum-Mo can regulate their own body temperature to the point where they can sleep in the snow without any covering and suffer no apparent harm, and are said to be able to dry cold, wet cloths put over their shoulders in a cold room by regulating their own internal body temperature (Cromie). “Monks in Tibet-that mountainous country so blessed with oddities-can consciously raise the temperature in their hands and feet 6-7º C (10-12º F), in laboratory conditions (Benson, et al., 1982). There appear to be several methods of g Tum-mo meditation, as described by not clear to me, because Benson reports that one of his research participants began undergoing g-Tummo changes every time he sat down. Monks will even have little contests where they spend a night on a river bank, repeatedly draping themselves with wet sheets, and seeing who can dry the most. I get cold just thinking about it. It presumably takes some time to develop this ability, but apparently not so much that it is rare in Tibet: David-Neel claims that most Tibetans have the knowledge of how to do it, and that they put it to practical use” (Savage Minds). Page 156


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Pain or damage don’t end the world. Or despair, or fucking beatings. The world ends when you’re dead. Until then, you got more punishment in store. Stand it like a man... and give some back. standing in the way of your greatness is the giant, bloody vagina sitting atop your shoulders. Ellen Langer explained in her book Counterclockwise that the second step in the “psychology of possibility” is to try out new things without evaluating ourselves as we go along (Langer 16). The lack of evaluation of essential for exceeding who you are, and who you think you could be. If you push yourself to try new shit, shit you never thought you’d be able to do, you could surprise yourself. The key, however, is to leave your judgment of yourself behind. You cannot walk into the gym wearing a powdered wig and swinging a gavel at every opportunity- should you do so, you remove both the possibility for experimentation and any probability of greatness, because you’ll be too fucking busy talking shit to yourself, convincing yourself that you’re incapable and weak and useless as everyone around you to attack the fucking weights and be a goddamned superman. I will profane your fucking remains. It’s also essential that you ape the feral children I mentioned earlier at this point and isolate yourself from people from time to time (or as I do with my headphones), because society will tell you that you’re incapable, that you’re weak, that you’re unable to handle the workload, or the weight, or the exercise. In interdependent communities, people will turn against you if you’re perceived as different- ‘people who departed from the norm could be dangerous to the whole community- whether they were rich or very poor. Either way, there was a tendency to seek the center and to resent want to take fucking note of this, because gyms are thoroughly interdependent communities. Everyone’s fucking everyone, everyone’s watching everyone, and everyone is all up in everyone’s shit. You probably know more crazy bullshit rumors about the motherfuckers in your gym than you do about your own family , and you know more about the guys who lift on your “shift” than you do about the most prominent lifters in your sport. As such, anything you do that runs counter to the norm is being constantly evaluated, judged, and likely talked down when you’re not around if you’re doing anything out of the norm. Thus, if you wall yourself off from all of the nonsense and nay saying and bullshit with a massive wall of shrieking metal, you can create your own feral paradise in which anything is possible, so long as you believe it’s so. In the next installment of this series, I’ll give you more reasons to be awesome and to ignore society at large, hacks for your brain, Deadwood quotes, and some ideas for shit you can try in the gym to stop being such a motherfucking pussy, in addition to parsing some of my more hilarious emails and mocking the shit out of their authors

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I mean, you gotta behave like a grown fucking man. You gotta shut the fuck up. Don’t be sorry, don’t look fucking back, because, believe me, no one gives a fuck. In the last installment of this series, we covered the fact that I’ve recently received a spate of emails from alleged men who apparently lack both testicular fortitude and any semblance of comprehension of my methodology or mentality. This has, of course, angered me greatly. I provided a couple of examples of feral children and their awesomeness as a bit of evidence for the fact that you’re far more physically capable than you would have otherwise thought, and could likely do some amazing things if you could only stop convincing yourself, and allowing others to convince you, that you suck at everything you try, are weak, and are doomed to wallow in a sea of suck for all eternity. A short aside: One of the most virulent and offensive exhibitions of this “I suck and can’t help it” mentality is the practice of setting a New Year’s resolution. In setting a NYR, you’re doing a couple of things, all of which are about as cool as those grown men who brag about decided to procrastinate on even pretending to resolve the issue until an arbitrary date. Third, you’re making a hell of a lot of noise about nothing, since only about 12% of people who make New Years Resolutions enjoy anything resembling success (Quirkology). It’s a fucking embarrassment of fat, drunken David Hasselhoff with a hamburger proportions. If you think you suck, fucking stop sucking immediately. Women, I’m pointing at you and your motherfucking diets- there’s no goddamned time like the present. Stop putting shit off until tomorrow like you’re a modern day J. Wellington Wimpy, who is perhaps the cartoon character most deserving of a curb stomp in history. Every fuckin’ beatin’ I’m grateful for. Every fuckin’ one of them. Get all the trust beat outta you. And you know what the fuckin’ world is. Back to my original rant: I realize that the internet provides a lot of you with a cloak and mask from which you can hide from the world and publish your dumbest thoughts and desires with impunity, and a great many of you make full use of that anonymity for naught but evil.(Fingeroth 48) I don’t even mean “evil” in a badass Dr. Doom sense, and no, your brainless trolling of some random forum is neither amusing nor clever nor terribly evil- it’s pathetic, wasteful, and should be the catalyst for your suicide rather than the suicide of others. Instead, I mean evil in the “little e” sense- like the evil perpetrated by a particularly dull and ineffectually annoying toddler too fat and lazy to get into any real trouble. The world would likely be better off if most of us stopped fucking breathing anyway- a recent poll revealed that Americans considered this pack of assholes to be the most irable men in the country: 1.

Barack Obama- a president who went from “suck” to “shit” in record time and managed Page 158


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not to do a single thing promised on the campaign trail, a feat only previously accomplished by deathbeds. If only Obama had had the good graces to do that. 2. George W. Bush- The single worst US president in the last 100 years. Jimmy Carter was a boon to the economic and international politics compared to this useless cocksucker, may he rot in hell. If any of you participated in this poll, let ANYONE who’s aware of it know so they can strangle you to death with some rusty barbwire. 3. Bill Clinton- Irrelevant unless you want advice on banging fat broads and getting caught thereafter. Then, bang more fat broads to forget your married to the angriest lesbian this side of Gloria Steinem. 4. Rev. Billy Graham- Religious lunatic who makes senior Al Qaeda seem like reasonable and rational men by comparison. Billy Graham is so insane for Jesus that he literally yells “I’m Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs” in the middle of the Lord’s Prayer while shitting his pants and heaving handfuls of sparkles at an audience who could only be there because one of his stable of eunuchs is holding a knife inscribed with John 3:16 to the throats of their parents. 5. - Pompous blowhard who’s become rich by being a real life Scrooge McDuck. That motherfucker pinches pennies so hard he made half of his fortune by warping coins for children at Please Touch Museums. He sustained himself during this enterprise by living off the tears of the children who couldn’t pry the coin out of his wretched claws after he squeezed it into an unrecognizable state. 6. Newt Gingrich- Drug addict, pompous ass, and writer of unreadable yet enticing historical ing because the dust cover promised more awesome than a gangbang at a Disney Channel 15 year reunion. 7. Donald Trump- The only interesting person on the list, if only because of the fact that one of the richest men in America apparently cannot afford a decent toupee or stylist. 8. Pope Benedict XVI- The emperor from Star Wars made it onto this list, which fascinates me. 9. Bill Gates- The genius behind Windows ME, Windows 7, and Clippy, that ever-so-helpful cocksucker of an obnoxious popup paperclip. Fuck this guy. 10. Thomas Monson- I’ve no idea how anyone even knows this guy’s name, or why they give a shit. Apparently, you can’t swing a dead cat in a closet without hitting 43 Mormons. Sneaky motherfuckers. Throw on top of that list the fact that the number of people in the US who think humans were created by god in their present form within the last 10,000 years is at or over 40% (Science and Nature), and you’ve got a fairly compelling reason to kill half of the population outright, without a single regret. That would be feral. The shit that I see on a daily basis is about as feral as a newborn lamb on a pile of pink cotton candy wearing Care Bears underoos with Michael Bolton playing softly in the background. I realize that in the intervening week between posts, this seems like a hell of a lot of rant without Page 159


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reason, but I assure you, my reasons are legion. The docility and submissiveness in the verbiage of the emails I’ve received of late is appalling, and I thought it necessary to instill a bit of fear in you motherfuckers- that shit will not be tolerated. As such, here are a couple examples of the nonsense I’ve received, with my analysis thereof and response thereto. “So here’s my skinny. My pitch and my “hey”. I will devote whatever of myself is required, to make me a huge dastardly mother fucker. And I want you to help me. I want to workout twice a day. I want to drag anchor chains and pull 1.5” line attached to a truck. I want to do talk on the phone. I want to be a legendary strong man, and have every possible vein in my body pulse like a new song from Skrillex on ecstasy. Can you do this for me? Will you be my coach? Will you help me achieve greatness at an exceptional level? I want more out of life and for me, it comes from the grueling tediocity of power, strength, and weight lifting. Be my coach homie. Be my mentor and make me a fucking monster. Please. I have more motivation than 50 of your bloggers put together...I just need to be “told” what to do.” genuous statements ever uttered within my proverbial earshot- if he was that motivated, he’d need no direction other than that which would show him where the nearest useful gym was located. The entire tone of this email drips with desire for acceptance, yet the author clearly fails to understand even the most basic tenets of my life philosophy and the mentality I promote. There are essentially two types of people in the world, and they’re very aptly depicted in the Matrixthose content to pretend to live in freedom, and those who will actually endure the pain of doing so. I’m the latter, whereas the author of this email is very clearly the former. He’s the dickbag in the Matrix who sells out his buddies for the illusion of a delicious steak, knowing it’s total bullshit but refusing to care. “Whereas those who sleep within the Matrix have the illusion of individual freedom... while being slaves to the worst aspects of collective consciousness, those who are truly free ultithe perhaps distant hope of building a community. Even if we fail at building it, or its goals are never revealed, we still know we have tried. We’d rather be alone- orphans- on our own than to be taken care of it is as slaves to a government or machine, or even an idea”(Fingeroth 71). If you want to “do Chaos and Pain”, asking me to program your workouts is obviously not the do it, and to throw off the strictures and shackles heaped upon you by a weak-minded and -bodied else, and transcend the mediocrity of the masses to achieve excellence. It’s not about doing what Page 160


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I fucking tell you, because I’m not in the business of telling people what to fucking do. The very idea someone would want to be told what to do fucking disgusts me. For the love of all that’s fucking holy, don’t bend your knee to me- I neither want acolytes nor need them. I wish for nothing more than other people to get off their knees, stop sucking the cocks of supposed gurus because it’s popular to do so and far easier than thinking for your fucking self, and do something epic. I leave the demagoguery to people like Mark Rippetoe and Zach Evan-Esh, because I choose to me- I’m happy to beat down the fucking bushes and blaze a path for like-minded individuals. I will not, however, carry you motherfuckers in a loving embrace and gently part the palm fronds for you. Think for your fucking selves and DO for your fucking selves. What you should not be doing, however, is deluding yourself into thinking you’re free when you want nothing more than to be in a gimp suit in my basement. That’s not my style- it’s way too ilate massive amounts of information and utilize it to make decisions after experimenting with the aforementioned information as the basis. I do this without consulting anyone else- not my mom, nor lifting coaches, nor my friends or random ers by. I rely on myself, my balls, and the knowledge that no matter what result I achieve, I did so at my own behest and as the result of my own thoughts and actions. That is what being free is all about. For those of you who are still confused, the people who truly understand this blog will agree that and united by fear and ostracization that band together for mutual protection like a herd of cattle. Instead, we’re like a Punisher/Wolverine/Hulk team up writ large- a pack of loosely coordinated, looking for a fucking handout, grasp your cock or your cunt, and attack the world for being the soggy pile of dogshit that it is. That’s what feral humans do, and that’s what you could be if you stopped thinking about what you were going to do and simply fucking did it. The Wild Man of St. Louis, a feral adult who was captured for no apparent reason in the 19th Century, took no shit from anyone, least of all cats, and when cornered fought overwhelming odds and escaped the second he could. Instead of thinking about doing shit, plotting to do it, talking about it, and ultimately accomplishing fuckall, he went superhuman on society’s ass and maintained his freedom from the litany of bullshit with which the rest of us have to deal on a daily basis. “The wild man, of whom some s appeared in the papers, was caught lately and brought to St. Louis. He was surrounded in a sort of lair beneath a dense cluster of underseemed to have constituted his principal article of food. For this strange diet he had a peculiar penchant, and eschewed almost every other. He hunted cats with an avidity prompted by discovered. Frequent attempts were made to capture him, but his agility and speed was such that he appeared to run upon the tops of the bushes, and fences offered no impediment to Page 161


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his headlong course. At length a great number surrounded and secured him. He attempted battle, but was overcome. When brought to the Court House he presented the strangest tiger, his deportment crouching --half timid half threatening--and his garments consisted of a thousand tatters of cloths, barks, cat-skins, &c, bound together by catguts. He said he was from the State of New York, and had been in the woods thirty-six years. While he was being examined, and was permitted to stand unbound, he made a sudden spring over the heads of those who surrounded him, and darted away with the speed of the reindeer. The crowd he was lost to them. Nothing has since been heard of him. He is certainly a strange being, and is literally a wild man. His age can hardly exceed forty, and yet he has lived so much away from the society of man that he has nearly forgotten his language and has the most vague recollection of things. He ed New York, but did not know where he was, nor the form of government under which we lived. Dr. Knode was examining him when he escaped, and it is to be regretted that the doctor could not have had an opportunity of ascertaining the character of his mania”(Leslie). “There’s no short cut, no easy way. No one can give us freedom or happiness- because - Jay Stanton “I’ll start this program on Monday (i’m OCD and have to start a program on a Monday. It’s weird, I know) and increase and decrease the volume as needed depending on how I feel.” This is, without question, indicative of the worst feature of modern society- the desire to be disordered. No one takes responsibility for their actions any longer. They’re helpless pawns of their genes, and everyone’s genes are apparently rife with horrible mutations of one sort or another. For those of you who aren’t following, this stupid motherfucker does not have OCD, and his use of the term indicates that he’s either painfully stupid or so weak of character that his mommy has to coax him out of bed in the mornings to get him to start his day. After cutting the crusts off his peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, she apparently allows him to use the computer, which he does at the risk of destroying what little dignity he has left. For those of you out there who might be empathizing with this sad sack of shit, slap yourself in the face like you’re a 1940’s housewife who burned the meatloaf, because you’re being a fucking cunt. You’re not disordered. Your thyroid isn’t the problem. Your metabolism isn’t the problem. nothing preventing you from starting a workout program on a Wednesday, a new diet today, or a new exercise in your next workout other than fear and stupidity. Page 162


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Though they’ve fallen out of favor in deference to our society’s overwhelming obsession with the contents of , heroes in literature used to be Gladiator, a new type of hero became popular in the 1930s and 40s: “the self reliant individualist who stands aloof from many of the humdrum concerns of society, yet is able to operate according to his own code of honor, to take on the world on his own and win” (Reynolds 18). These guys were in a way Kid Rock could only dream about. They didn’t excuse their stupidity by blaming it on a disorder invented by psychiatrists so they could get kickbacks from pharmaceutical companies- they brought the fucking ruckus at every opportunity. They didn’t pause to consider their myriad failings, nor did they stop to justify their fear of the unknown with a pathetic excuse- they acted. If you’re on the fence about what to do to get yourself out of a rut, that’s not uncommon. Psypeople suffer, myself included, called “commitment”, in which people get so stuck in their ways that they cannot rationally evaluate their alternatives. As such, you have to simply get fucking feral, stop thinking, and go. He who hesitates is lost. Don’t be a dithering bitch- act. Try something new that you’ve thought was cool but were scared to try. Do squat lockouts with half a ton. Push your car down the street. Try some ultra-heavy hand and thigh lifts. Do a barbell one arm snatch. See how fucking far you can throw a keg full of sand. Or beer. Grab a chick’s ass in a bar. DO SOMETHING. “So, are you really all-natural?/You’re a roidhead and everything you say is bullshit/are you on steroids, if so where can I get some/etc.” Initially, I regarded these emails with a bit of sadness, because the authors were clearly mentally retarded. As such, I wondered how or why they stumbled across my blog, and then how they managed to compose their emails. My most recent exchange in regards to this subject truly pissed me off, as pussies who couldn’t handle my workout weights have no fucking business demanding that I answer their stupid, irrelevant, and ultimately pointless questions. Additionally, I’ve stated many times that all of the “testosterone boosters” promoted in the US in the last decade have been steroids, most of which were based on the formulations of the now-defunct Balco Labs. I’ve used those supplements, repeatedly, and have promoted them on my blog. I don’t consider myself natural, don’t give a shit who is natural, think that self-promoters screaming about how natural they are likely have the lot of you snowed, and couldn’t possibly care less about who’s using what. There’s only one type of person who does: Pussies. Big, sloppy, wet, yawning cavities of vaginas, you’re busy worrying about who’s on what and when and how much and why, you’re doing one thing- looking for the starting point for a litany of excuses. All you have to do is read their retorts to see how pathetic their mindset really is, because they’ll all sing the same sad-sack refrain- it’s cheating, they can’t compete, there’s no comparison between natural trainees and geared lifters, Page 163


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ignoring all the while that most of the truly impressive strength feats predate steroids. These stupid pieces of shit will explain away guys like Saxon and Sandow and Aston and Maxick as freaks of nature and irrelevant, because those examples completely destroy their bullshit argument. Even when people compete in tested competitions, these “natty” lifters will call bullshit- look at all of the Danny Fingeroth actually had an interesting point about the fact that some people love to differentiate themselves from those who beat their asses at anything at all- they’re Superman fans. “Is it easier to read of a superior being from beyond the stars outclassing us that of a guy from down the block who was just luckier or stronger or smarter? Maybe that’s the key. Maybe we feel uncomfortable with the idea that we’re not living up to our potential, or that someone else has more potential than we do. Or that they’re living up to their potential betsame rules we do... then maybe we don’t have to feel so bad about ourselves. I suppose this would characterize the Superman fan more than, say, the Batman fan”(Fingeroth 32). If you’re lost, and those of you still shouting insipid retorts to my earlier comments doubtless are, allow me to elucidate this point. Non-powered superheros, or those with non-superfuckingfantastic powers, go toe to fucking toe with the Supermans and Green Lanterns and Wonder Mans of the comic book universe without a second thought. The Punisher, for instance, went toe to toe with the Hulk, and at no point bitched about the fact that the Hulk had superpowers and he didn’t. Likewise, Hawkeye fought the Beyonder in Secret Wars without taking his toys and going home because the Beyonder was “cheating”, and Batman beat the everloving shit out of that punkbitch Boy Scout Superman with nothing but hate on his side(and an exoskeleton, but fuck, he was a senior citizen at that point). “A winner is used to accepting full responsibility for his actions”, “immediately takes charge even when he lacks the authority to do so”, and that “a sour-faced, pessimistic attitude is for losers, not for winners”, which is why those guys didn’t take shit from the “cheaters” and just charged headlong into the fucking fray.(Van Fleet 64-66) Feral humans, similarly, don’t make fucking excuses about their opponents and claim they cannot compete- they react, adapt, and overcome using nothing but their balls and a hell of a lot of aggression. To wit: “The story of the Wild Girl of Champagne is detailed by a trustworthy French writer, M. de la Condamine. One evening, in September, 1731, the people of the village of Songi were alarmed by the entrance into the street of a girl, seemingly nine or ten years old, covered with rags and skins, and having face and hands black as those of a negro. She had a gourd leaf on her head, and was armed with a short baton. So strange was her aspect that those who observed her took to their heels and ran in-doors, exclaiming, “The devil! the devil!” Bolts were drawn in all quarters, and one man thought to insure safety by letting loose a large self backwards on one limb, and grasping her club with both hands, she discharged a blow at the head of the dog, as it came nigh her, with such force and celerity as to kill it on the spot. Elated with her victory, she jumped several times on the carcass; after which she tried Page 164


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in vain to enter a house, and then ran back to the wood, where she mounted a tree and fell asleep”(Leslie). Clearly, the Wild Girl of Champagne didn’t stop to rationalize the unfairness of pitting a 10 year old girl against a full-grown bulldog, because she was feral and thus awesome. In stark contrast to feral humans, however, most “people adjusted their judgments of the desirability of a future event to make them congruent with its perceived likelihood, but only when the event triggered motivational involvement.”(Kay) In other words, they adjust their goals to match the perceived likelihood that they’ll be achieved- thus spiraling into a progressive downward spiral of expectations because they will tell themselves they cannot do something, suck as a result, and readjust their expectations downward again. They thus would have just thrown their hands in the air and been eaten by that bulldog were they placed in the Wild Girl’s position, because they would have thought that it would behavior is the reason these dickbags on messageboards, and the retards who email me, constantly blather on about steroids- they’re piss weak, embarrassed to be alive, and want a reason to rationalize their failure at life. If you’re one of the pussies still squealing about the magic of steroids, consider this: Steroids are not magical, they don’t make people superhuman, and they’re not the reason why guys or girls in the gym outlift you- your lack of intestinal fortitude, hard work, drive, determination, aggression, and hate are the reason you fucking suck. You can, and should, be better than you are. Stop asking other people for validation and assistance and fucking do it yourself.

I’M NOT FAT! I’M BULKING UP! There appears to be a great deal of fear, circumspection, incredulity, and general confusion surrounding the concept that lifters can indeed gain muscular bodyweight without getting fat (moreso naturally than without gear than with). Allow me to allay your fears and put that horseshit to restit’s not impossible. Certainly, you’re going to have a natural barrier to getting bigger that can be usurped by taking things like OTC gear (like Superdrol) or black-market gear (like the non-methylated versions of the shit that’s in Superdrol), but even if you avoid the use of that sort of thing, it’s possible to gain muscular bodyweight without getting fat. First off, I’d like to touch on something that clearly irks the shit out of some people- my total unwillingness to prescribe detailed dieting or programming recommendations. The loose guidelines I give people apparently drive a lot of you fucking bananas, which I’ve always found odd. John Page 165


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Romaniello elucidated the reason behind this, however, in an article on T-Muscle. In that article, he described disparity between the mental approach of dieters, segmenting them into two distinct categories- freedom dieters and rule dieters. Freedom dieters are like myself- we thrive on loose Rule dieters, by comparison, are totally fucking lost without a timetables by which they need to eat me that sort of mindlessness is bizarre. Gor series by John Norman, which pletely in control of the other. People have adopted this lifestyle in real life, to the point where some have actually gone to jail for playing master-slave. This isn’t some normal, “I’m gonna make you prance around naked while everyone has a go at you and we scrawl ‘whore’ on your chest and then use you as a coffee table” sort of deal- I’m talking, they can force their slave to give up custody of their children, are forced to wait in one spot without speaking or moving a muscle until told to move, etc. Frankly, either end of that sort of relationship seems fucking insane to me- if I have to take a piss, I’ll do so when and where I want, and anyone who says otherwise can eat shit. Conversely, I cannot imagine the inanity of having to tell someone when to do everything they’re going to do, and how- it’d be worse than having a baby, which would in turn be worse than having AIDS. I mean, I get distracted in the middle of a sentence... there’s no way I’d to tell some silly broad to get the fuck up and go take a shit before she stains the carpet, and she’d likely starve to death before I ed to instruct her to eat. give them. I’ve no fucking clue what people like to eat, whether they can cook, what’s available at their grocery store, etc. Additionally, I’d expect people to exercise a modicum of free thought and initiative in attempting to get lean or build muscle, or both. On that note, I’m not going to tell you what to eat, or when, in the precise some of you so longingly desire. Instead, I’m going to give you some rather broad recommendations you can use to guide your experimentation. sites like Bodybuilding.com- they’re the people who want to be spoon-fed easy bullshit that they’re going to debate endlessly and never actually fucking try. Lean bulking’s not easy and it’s not a static going to improve our nation’s economy in either the short or long term... and we’ve all seen enough news to see how that happy horseshit is working out. Common methodologies for weight gain, hackneyed and vapid as they are, are shit like adding 500 calories of anything to one’s diet every day, or GOMAD (gallon of milk a day). Adopting one of those methodologies without employing any critical thinking or utilizing a modicum of analysis in the process of their utilization is as preposterous as going into a Thai whorehouse where the prostitutes regularly fuck sub-Saharan African monkeys, and then fucking every broad in there six times on the recommendation of a friend who Page 166


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told you that you’d have a great time, and you wouldn’t get AIDS. We’ll, he’d be half right, just like anyone who recommended GOMAD as the ultimate way to cleanly bulk you be half right- you’re going to get the positive aspects of each endeavor, but the downside is that you might die early from your inability to critically assess your actions as you performed them.

YOU CAN GAIN WEIGHT WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE A FAT FUCK 2 Bruce Lee was famous for telling to “be like water”, and his theory is as applicable to training and when looked at in its entirety: “Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, rigid, outward things will disclose themselves…” That is exactly the way you must approach dieting and training if you want to have success. In most people’s minds, dieting is a very cut and dry thing- cut calories to lose weight, and increase calories to gain weight. The key, however, is to lose and gain the right kinds of weight, and not to do so to the detriment of your strength training goals. At that point, it becomes far more art than science, and anyone who tells you differently is a lying sack of shit whose children will hopefully be born blind and crippled as punishment for their forebear’s stupidity and general dishonor.

With that in mind, clean bulking isn’t easy. Boiled down to its essence, it looks deceptively so, however: Eat more. Lift more. Seems simple, right? Couldn’t be simpler. Well, let’s just look at the second part of that to illustrate • Lift more. This could mean any number of things, especially coming from me. My meaning’s actually no more obtuse than the actual statement itself, as it means: lift more in of poundage, but not necessarily in of volume, while at the same time adding extra sessions if at all possible. Seems a bit contradictory, right? It’s actually not. If you’re of the mind to, say, train 5x5 on squats with 405 lbs 3 times a week, your total volume for that week would be 30,375 lbs on the squat. I would recommend, if you want to bulk cleanly, that you try to train heavier when you’re lifting heavy, but add extra sessions of light work as well. Thus, your workouts could become 2 days of 12x1x500 and 2 sessions of 2x30x135, which means that your total volume would be 28,200. While the training volume’s not quite as high in of total poundage, it’s likely that you’re doing far more work per minute, which means that your workout density is improved. Additionally, you’ll be facilitating active recovery with your light sessions, which will transport more nutrients (of Page 167


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synthesis you’ll be getting from your increased training frequency (Zatsiorsky, 12). As you try to ing, and some you can’t. As such, you’ll autoregulate your growth and recovery by listening to your muscles. If they’re cramping so badly during your warmups that your form is absolute shit and you want to die, move on to a different lift. Half of the wacky exercises I’ve adopted by reading old strongman texts have been to give me something to do when everything hurts (the other half for when I’m bored with what I’ve been doing, which occurs rather frequently when you’re training 10-11 times a week), and they work, as they keep me in the gym and typically stress my body in ways to which it is unused. This theory’s in no way new- prior to the adoption of static training programs as a method to sell magazines and books, this is the way people trained. It’s far more natural than the mechanical methodology of linear progression, and it’s clinically proven to produce better results in trained athletes. (Mann et al) Think of yourself as a banzai tree- you’re not going to grow in straight lines, no matter how much you Mister Miyagi your training. You can, however, make tiny adjustments constantly to guide your growth so that it progresses in an manner that is in bilateral training produces far greater increases in growth hormone than does unilateral training. As movements, make them BIG. The amount of muscle mass activated during training is as important to creating anabolic hormone response as Tera Patrick’s angry screaming while getting fucked is essential to her popularity.(Kraemer et al.) For those of you who are sadly unaware of Tera’s vocal skills, it’s essential. With that out of the way, let’s move onto the even harder side of the issue- eat more. For those of you familiar with my blog, you know that I’m a fan of paleolithic dieting, although many of you seem to have a slightly skewed notion of what role paleo dieting actually plays for me. Paleo dieting is a great way to get really lean, really quickly, while sparing muscle. It might also be a good enough calories to gain an appreciable amount of weight in a year without spending your entire day eating and cooking. As such, deviation is necessary. It is useful, however, to bear in mind that consumption of non-paleo foods in great quantities will lead to fat gains, even if they facilitate muscular bodyweight gains as well. I’ve found the best way to bulk cleanly is to rotate my calories and macronutrients. I don’t bother with utilizing a percentage of my BMR, however, in setting my calories, due to the near impossibility of making that calculation. Even were you to determine your basal metabolic rate for a given day, it will change as you get leaner, or bigger, or fatter, or smaller, or any permutation thereof. It’ll deviate further as your daily activities change, ranging from the amount and quality of your sleep to water consumption (and the temperature of that water), your lifestyle activities (do you work sitting or standing? How much did you walk in a given day?), and too numerous to mention. Side note- fucking regularly will keep you lean, and give you a shitload of leniency in your diet. I’m talking 2+ times a day, not the ~3x a week that I’ve heard various idiots bragging Page 168


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about. Masturbation does not seem to be a suitable substitute, either- it seems that the caloric expenditure during sex plays a part, as does the fact that testosterone levels are more heavily impacted by sex than masturbation also plays a part. Back to rotating your macros and calories. Start by doubling your bodyweight in lbs, and making that your baseline for grams of protein, daily. As you grow, up your protein. Thereafter, you’re going to have high, medium, and low carb days, which will be inversely proportional to your fat intake (unless you choose a paleo day instead of a keto day). Thus, protein remains static, while you’ll have high carb/low fat, medium carb/medium fat, and low carb/low fat or low carb/high fat days. Into the mix, you’ll throw two cheat windows- and don’t throw them in on your low/low days. The low/low days are important, in my mind, as they serve to give a sort of protein fasting day- they’re for all intents and purposes a paleo day. That’s the day where you’re kicking up fat metabolism, forcing your body to change your output of leptin on a daily basis, and prevent your body from settling into homeostasis of any kind. Since leptin is the hormone responsible for controlling your appetite and plays a role in fat deposition and utilization, fucking with it by doing the metabolic with no problem, you’re incredibly hungry, or you simply want a keto day, take one. Bear in mind to rotate your calories. You could, however, cheat on these days by simply eating a massive amount of fatty meat for the three hours- hitting an all you can eat steak house or rib place (and only eating ribs coated in a dry rub). Experimentation is the word of the day here, and you’re going to be like a mad scientist, tinkering with your diet until you’ve turned yourself into a massive, world-destroying robot bent on nothing short of the subjugation and destruction of the entire human race. this dietary regime. Thus, you’ll be able to eat a handful of nuts, some veggies, and whatever carbs are in your protein shakes. That 75g does not include your postworkout meal, either, which should include at least 20g of protein and 40-75g of carbs. Play with the levels and see what works for you. I found Trio-Plex cookies and the occasional Met-Rx Big 100 brownie to be perfect for this. Otherwise, I avoid eating carbs in the form of grains or starches on these days. Medium carb days are usually those where I’ll have my cheat window, which I almost invariably had at dinnertime. I make this a forcefeeding of epic proportions, and eat hard for 3 hours, whatever I want. At three evening. I’ll generally follow cheat days with a medium or low carb day, and then go high carb or cheat again. Never cheat on consecutive days, if it’s in a force-feeding sort of way. If you know you’re going to cheat multiple days in a row, make it a bit sensible, and don’t gorge yourself- your body will absorb the excess without hurting your bodyfat levels. For the high carb day, I keep the fats low, generally eat 40-60g of carbs at 4 or 5 of my meals, which will give me 200-300g of carbs (1-1.5g of carbs per lb of bodyweight). Total meals per day will be between 6 and 10, depending on exactly how long I’m awake, how full I am from one meal to the next, etc. I never go more than 3 hours without eating, and I always leave a shake sitting on the back of the toilet to drink while I piss in the middle of the night. Obviously, I make my shakes with water- don’t make the evening Page 169


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one with milk unless you like your milk sour. awesome! I guess you’ll have to wait for the next installment...

YOU CAN GAIN WEIGHT WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE A FAT FUCK 3 Before I really get into the exact methodology and science behind my approach to bulking, I’d like to address conventional bulking diets. I’ve dabbled in them, cutting them off when I thought I was gaining too much fat, and as a result never really saw a whole lot of steady muscular bodyweight gain. Sure, I gained a bit of muscle over the course of about 8 years, but it wasn’t until I really with everything from my calories to my eating frequency, before I started to really see an increase in my lean mass gains. Thus, here’s a short appraisal of conventional wisdom regarding bulking diets. GOMAD The great-grandpappy of all modern bulking diets. This seems to have grown out of the turn of the century strongman’s penchant for drinking milk- all of them seem to have drunk a great deal of the shit, and Saxon took it a step further and drank heavy cream. Historically, milk has been considered to be a near-perfect food for humans, given its high calcium and protein content, and the fact that raw milk is tremendously easy for a healthy person to digest. Hippocrates advocated a raw milk diet to cure tuberculosis, and both the Masai and Swiss based their diets on milk (the Masai consuming primarily cow milk and blood, supplemented with meat and maize) (Bieler 212). Building on the belief that raw milk is the stuff of greatness, a writer for Strength and Health, John McCallum, penned articles touting raw milk as the way to grow (later compiled into the book The Complete Keys to Progress. Randall J. Strossen, editor of that book, took that idea a step further, and suggested that everyone drink a gallon of milk a day and do his 20 rep squat program. It’s my understanding that Strossen merely repackaged McCallum’s ideas about milk and squats, which would make sense, as it was still legal to produce and transport raw milk in the US in 1965 (when day factored into the belief that a gallon of milk a day is the way to super-strength as well, as it really drove home McCallum’s suppositions. No matter who invented it or why it became so popular, the adoption of that diet in this century is fucking ridiculous for a variety of reasons, starting with the fact that it’s impossible to purchase raw milk easily in the US, and pasteurized and homogenized milk borders on indigestible for most people. Whereas raw milk merely ferments in your intestines (which actually makes it better for you), top three food allergies, and has symptoms ranging from ear infection and bad breath to asthma, abdominal cramping, diarrhea, croup, and asthma, even in people who are lactose tolerant (Audette 58). Throw into the mix the fact that even skim milk contains 205g of sugar per gallon (and has Page 170


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a higher GI than fatty milks), and you’ve got a fucking recipe for disaster. Thus, in straining the shit out of your digestive system, you’re getting a paltry 145g of protein for your efforts, not all of which will be digested, due to the fact that the fat molecules in homogenized milk are broken down into smaller parts and become a stealth delivery system for the proteins that puts them directly into your bloodstream, causing allergies. Pasteurization takes care of the rest, killing all of the enzymes facilitate the transformation of milk from a benevolent Dr. Jekyll into a slavering, soul-rending, baby-raping, eviscerating horror show of a Mr. Hyde. At best, it’s a quick way to get fat as shit, in my opinion, unless you swing a sledge all day long at work, or you’ve got the most freakish metabolism of all time, and at worst, you can pretty much wreck every one of your body’s internal systems with GOMAD. The traditional bodybuilding bulking diet- this generally consists of the diet that was popular in 1990 amongst everyone, for some reason, but in massive quantities. Low fat, high carbs, moderate protein (though they’ll assert it’s high). Thus, you’re eating brown or white rice, veggies, and chicken breasts, in amounts that will afford you 1-1.5g protein per lb of bodyweight, 2-3g of carbs per pound, and .5-1g of fat. All day. Every day. Does it work? For those amongst us with stout meish on this sort of a diet are carb- or mixed-type metabolisms. I know that I never really gained much weight on this diet, nor was I particularly lean.

The See-Food Diet The favorite of guys like Lee Priest, who appear to be circus fat men with some muscle beneath their blubber in the off-season. It will put muscle on you, but eating garbage all day long is neither conducive to good health, nor does it make for a particularly attractive physique. As the goal of the enterprise on which we’ve embarked is to lean bulk, this diet’s useless to anyone who isn’t running massive amounts of clenbuterol, test, and GH... and looking at Lee Priest, it doesn’t work all that well for those guys, either. While it might work for putting on sheer mass, it’s not useful for lean gains, and the fat you put on is a pain in the ass to take off later. My bulking and cutting approaches are remarkably similar, and are the outgrowth of the works of a number of people, including Ray Audette, Dan Duchaine, Warren Willey, Mauro Di Pasquale, and even a bit of Torbjorn Akerfeldt, all under the umbrella of Wolcott’s Metabolic Typing. My carb and calorie cycling approach is essentially an amalgamation, then, of Warren Willey’s Zig Zag and Neanderthin recommendations, and Duchaine’s Body As I’m a protein type, I trend my protein extremely high(2g+/lb of bodyweight), followed by fat and carbs. If you’re a carb or mixed type, you might want to tinker with my recommendations to Page 171


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better suit your metabolism. Through hard training and the gradual introduction of more protein in your diet, Wolcott asserts that anyone can become a protein type, but the change is apparently extremely gradual. In any event, kicking off the basics is Willey’s Zig Zag diet, which is based on a three day rotation of low-even-high calorie days, using the BMR to determine total caloric intake and working backwards from there. I’ve already stated that I have massive problems with BMR calculations, but for the sake of exposition, he uses the BMR as a baseline, and then multiplies that by .8 on low cal days and 1.2 on high cal days. He then uses an isocaloric macronutrient ratio to determine protein/carb/fat intake. Personally, I think Zone dieting is the single fastest way to mediocrity, but I liked the underlying theory behind his plan. In re my protein recommendation, there would appear to be a great deal of “evidence” to show that no one needs the massive amount of protein I recommend. As I’ve got mountains of anecdotal evidence backing me, I’m inclined to tell those parties just to go and get fucked, question their manhood, fuck their girlfriend, and possibly leave them in a gutter broken and bleeding, but I’ve also got science on my side. Like my contention regarding basal metabolic rate, a 2004 meta-analysis of protein studies called “Protein and amino acids for athletes” concluded that there are too many factors that enter into setting protein requirements, “including the timing of ingestion in relation to exercise and/or other nutrients, the composition of ingested amino acids and the type of protein”(Tipton). As such, they suggest that athletes go with the “more is better” philosophy, as there’s no evidence whatsoever that high levels of dietary protein will have a deleterious effect on a healthy individual’s performance or overall health. This is why I’m going to 2g/lb of bodyweight, and then working my other macros around that. Though Willey would likely disagree with my take on protein, Lyle Macdonald would not. Despite which consists of 2 and 3 day keto runs followed by high carb days. As I’d used this to great effect, further increase this, however, it seemed that the inclusion of a paleo day in the place of the octract, and balance blood glucose levels that might have been out of whack with the high-carb days and/or cheat windows (Paleolithic). Finally, I threw in the two cheat windows, which I’ve found make the entire fucking diet awesome- they speed my metabolism (Matsumoto), allow me to eat my fucking face off, replenish my glycogen stores (Bowden), and increase my thyroid, adrenal, and sex hormones (Poehlman), in addition to providing and awesome forced break from clean eating (Westrate), Though he provides no citations of any kind, Lyle Macdonald is also a fan of the cheat meal, though to a far more limited degree than I am. I will suggest, however, that the effects I described above are really only seen in people who are already fairly lean- if you’re fat (15%+), I would limit your gorging during cheat meals, as they’re not going to have quite the same effect. In fact, there’s a very real possibility that they’ll have a fat-deposition effect rather than a fat-reduction effect, in addition to the fact that it will renew your love of food. Side note: I’ve stated on a couple of occasions that I disliked working with the obese or women Page 172


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on diet. This is due in large part to the fact that their dieting issues are far more psychological than physical. They’ve a love of food, and emotional response to food, that I fail to understand or for which am I willing or able to . If you call yourself a “foodie”, you probably can’t be trusted around cheat foods, and a cheat meal is likely to become a week-long binge that ends in type 2 diabetes. Thus, you should stick to eating clean foods, and seek psychiatric help. Clearly, as I have only two emotions, happy and super-ripshit pissed, I’m not the guy to help you through your repressed emotions, fear of abandonment, and sitophilia. I know a number of you out there are enamored of Martin over at LeanGains, as his philosophy lends itself to a somewhat less structured approach to dieting. I’m unconvinced, however, in the for the progenitor of that theory, Ori Hofmekler. The human body is designed to store bodyfat that you’re training your body to expect daily famines for which it must store fat. According to the thermogenesis, lipolysis (Farshchi, Yunsheng). This is important, as these frequent feedings should speed your metabolism enough to aid in keeping your bulking phase lean. Old-school strongmen will contend that this will retard your gains, but I’d suggest that the utilization of my method allows our original goal. As we’d probably like to guard against too much encroachment into muscular gains by the thermogensis created by frequent feedings, it would behoove us to ensure that this is not going to negatively impact anabolism. Science to the rescue again, as studies appear to show that protein utilization and anabolism is decreased when one force-feeds rather than spreads their nutrient intake throughout the day (Cohn et al). The delivery can either come in the form of slow-digesting protein a couple of times a day, or faster digesting protein at regular, frequent intervals, but studies do seem to show that protein utilization is improved if it’s spread throughout the day, rather restricted to infrequent, large feedings (Mosoni , Patreau). So, with what are we left? Flexibility. I’m not talking about stretching your muscles- I’m referring to stretching your mind. Obviously, dogmatism really never enters into my dietary or weightlifting regimes, as I pull from a wide variety of clinical studies and esoteric sources. I’m constantly evaluating both my performance and appearance (I don’t test my body fat levels), and tweaking my diet there from. I’ll tinker with a macronutrient ratios, timing and frequency of cheat meals, the number of my meals, and any number of variables in my workout routine. To fail to do so would be beyond insane, but I’ve heard umpteen stories about people following bullshit diets for months on end, seeing no results, and bitching about the failure of their diet, their genetics, and virtually everything on Earth other than their own failure to evaluate and adjust their diets to suit their needs. It’s akin to putting your car on cruise control and then going to sleep, thinking that the fact that the road is straight means you’ll arrive at your destination safe and sound. Page 173


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Progress in diet and in lifting is far from a steady progression- it’s more like a sine wave, though you’re hoping to end up more above than below the x-axis. The key is to recognize downward trends and adjust your diet and training accordingly, to thwart your body’s continual efforts to return you to homeostasis and mediocrity. If you can do that, while keeping your goal in sight and refraining from the urge to spend all of your time online dithering about what to do, rather than simply doing it, clean bulking should be a goal entirely within anyone’s reach.

CAN’T GAIN WEIGHT? GUESS WHAT- YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG 1 There is nothing new under the sun, without question, and nowhere is that adage more often reafwith programming, in spite of the fact that the program contained therein appears to have been pulled from the previous 43,000 entries with EXACTLY the same fucking insipid details. Addiweight, followed by assertions that the only way they’d be able to gain weight is through use of dreaded, illegal, immoral, and possibly deadly anabolic substances. These posts are as frequent as they are hackneyed, and match the veracity of an obese woman’s claims that “she barely eats.” Just as the fatties have convincing evidence ing the idea that they are wildly under-reporting their food intake (“the median energy intake for obese men and overweight and obese women [in all studies] was below that required even for minimal sedentary activity”(Jones)), I’m convinced that these hapless 135 lb assholes spinning their wheels in the gym are either the victims of a massive conspiracy by the US government to infect our nation’s youth with tapeworms or they’re lying motherfuckers. Given that their overweight counterparts are lying through their bloated, fat-encrusted, and probably unwashed teeth, I’m going to go with the latter. here, here, and here, but I think it’s high time we investigated the diets of strength athletes who have gotten right the fuck after it in of bulking throughout history. With the exception of Dave Tate, who outlines JM Blakely’s take on bulking (which seems representative of the powerlifting community as a whole), the following lifters all competed in the pre-steroid era, to forestall whining out of the spindly fuckers who are forever contending that weight gain can only be made by those who use gear. Thus, without further ado, I give you:

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Arthur Saxon Vital Statistics Height: 5’10” Weight: 200 lbs. Chest: 49” Biceps: 17 1/8” Forearm: 14 3/4” Thigh: 24” Calf: 16 3/4” Bent Press: 371 lbs. Two Hands Anyhow: 448 lbs. Clean and Press: 342 lbs. Of all of the guys on whom I’ve blogged, Saxon has got to be my favorite. A consummate maniac, this guy lifted big, lived bigger, and ate even bigger than that. Given the fact that the guy topped out at 200 lbs, you’d expect the following to be a giant bag of bullshit and historical revisionism. It is, however, straight from the proverbial mouth of a friend of Saxon’s teammate. The following are direct quotes about what the Saxon Trio (Arthur was the most famous and distinguished lifter in a competitive team) ate. “For breakfast they ate 24 eggs and 3 pounds of smoked bacon; porridge with cream, honey, marmalade and tea with plenty of sugar. At three o’clock they had dinner: ten pounds of meat was consumed with vegetables (but not much potatoes); sweet fruits, raw or cooked, sweet cakes, salads, sweet puddings, cocoa and whipped cream and very sweet tea. Supper, this they had a chat and at one o’clock went to bed.” “The Saxons did have a “health drink” which I presume they concocted themselves. The ingredients were dark lager beer (or Dublin stout) mixed with Holland gin, the yolk of an egg and plenty of sugar. “It is a very good but strong drink” was the Saxon opinion, “but, if you are not used to it you will get dizzy very quickly.” It seems to me that one would have to be a Page 175


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“Later, in England, as performers, Hermann and Kurt were partial to sweet foods and sugar. consuming one pound of butter between them, they failed to gain weight; sometimes only a few pounds which they could not hold. Arthur, the oldest, did not care for sweets and butter; even as a child he did not care for butter. Instead of butter he would use the lard from pork.” “Their three o’clock dinner consisted mostly of roasted or fried meat, beef, pork or veal, not much potatoes, plenty of salads with oil just as in their childhood. Sometimes they had vegetables, but always lean meat. Every day they had pudding-yorkshire, rice, sago, etc., but very sweet. Then there was always raw or cooked fruits and nothing to drink. Sometimes, on one day during the week, they roasted poultry, goose, chicken, or turkey.” potatoes. At six o’clock they had “tea”-this was mostly raw minced meat with raw onions, German bread and plenty of butter; sometimes sweet cakes and coffee were substituted.” “Their late supper included herrings (when they could get them) and eaten in the same manner they had become accustomed to in childhood. The herrings were sometimes used in salad form; they made their own mayonnaise with raw whipped eggs and oil. There never was any whisky or brandy at home. Even as children they did not care for milk and as men they developed no taste for it. At “tea” time they very often had whipped cream. They did not care for boiled eggs, instead, they went big for poached eggs with plenty of butter”(Gadreau). That, my friends, is fucking eating. Saxon was never fat on this diet, which would tend to lead one to believe that the more you lift (the Saxon Trio spent 4-6 hours a day training with near limit poundages) the more you need to eat. Additionally, I’ll go out on a limb and suggest that at least part of the reason for the Saxons’ legendary strength was their heavy utilization of foods heavy in saturated fats, which are positively correlated with endogenous testosterone levels (Volek)

Louis Cyr Vital Statistics Height: 5’8.5 Page 176


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Weight: 320 Neck - 20” Biceps - 20” Forearms - 16.3” Chest - 55.2” Waist - 47.4” Thighs - 28.5” Calves - 19.3” As you’d expect out of a guy with a waist damn near as big around as his chest, Cyr was a gluttonous motherfucker. Piggish as he was, however, he was one of the strongest human beings to ever walk the Earth. Cyr’s lifts are the stuff of legend- Cyr one-arm jerk pressed 273.5 lbs with a thick-handled dumbbell, “resisted the pull of four draught horses, two each side, pulling away at his clenched hands, regardless of grooms cracking their whips to encourage the horses to pull harder and strain their haunches”, and did a back lift with 4,000+ pounds (Gentle). His appetite was even more legendary than his lifts, however, as I think even the freakish Japanese eating champs would have trouble eating like Cyr. According to George Jowett, “He could eat more than four ordinary men at one sitting, and took a keen delight watching the amazement creep over the waiter’s face when he turned in his order at the hotel. Six pounds of meat at one meal was nothing for him. He could devour that for breakfast.... Many a gourmand has gone away wiser in head and lighter in pocket after a meat-and-potato contest with the giant Louis”(111). “One time [Louis and Barre] had an eating match to be decided by which could devour a twenty-two pound suckling pig the quickest, and they say that Louis was done when Horace was little more than halfway through”(134). It’s that kind of eating that fuels a big body, rather than the ridiculous bodybuilder-style chicken and rice fests that comprise the best of the scrawny-lifters’ bleating about their inability to gain weight.

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Weight: 300 Hepburn’s diet relied on two cornerstones: milk and eggs. This is fairly unsurprising given that he was a Hoffman product, and Bob Hoffman was one of the progenitors of milk and egg protein supplements. What was surprising, however, was the amount of food Hepburn ate- as a young lifter, at every meal, he ate 18 eggs, a bunch of bananas, and a half gallon of milk. This amounts to a total of 540 grams of protein, which increased as his bodyweight increased. (Katterle) Later in life, he continued to eat in such a manner as to make the dead fat guy from Se7en look like he was a light snacker, and would eat 6-8 eggs with every meal, a “normal portion of meat”, and wash it all down with a shitload of milk 4-5 times a day. Additionally, Hepburn consumed massive quantities of protein supplements and vitamins, and “consumed as much as three imperial quarts during a two-hour workout.”(Kiiha) Thus, he was drinking well over a gallon of milk a day, in addition to a couple of dozen eggs as a supplement to his regular food intake.

Hermann Goerner Vital Statistics Height: 6’1” Weight: 264-293 Neck: 20” Expanded Chest: 52.5” Biceps: 18.75” Forearms: 17” Waist: 38” Thighs: 27” Another one of my all-time favorites, Goerner was pretty much a gigantic version of Arthur Saxon, with the addition of war hero status, elephant-wrestling, and a Hitler mustache. I blogged about Page 178


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him here, and consider him to be one of the single coolest people to have ever lived. Like the rest trast to Hepburn, Goerner eschewed milk products for meat, which he ate in any form he could for a strong man, with emphasis laid on eating good meals with the accent on meat! He particularly partial to pork and beef and also wurst- German sausagemeat. Vegetables also, together with potatoes, but not overdoing the latter. He is very fond of nuts- particularly walnuts- and all fruits: apples especially, which he thinks every strongman should eat, as well as oranges and other citrus drink milk in any quantity”(Mueller 108-9). Utilizing that paleo-esque diet, Goerner hit an all time bodyweight high of 293, and remained fairly lean while doing so. The key to his weight gain was quantity, as he would spend a couple of hours in the bar attached to his gym eating sausage and drinking beer after every workout.

CAN’T GAIN WEIGHT? GUESS WHAT- YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG 2 Today we continue our foray into the “mysteries” of weight gain. Mysteries more mysterious than the most mysterious Scooby Doo episode, and possibly more mysterious than the mysterious love child that would be produced if Sherlock Holmes, the cast of Scooby Doo, the Hardy Boys, and Nancy drew had a massive, week-long orgy. That child would likely be called “Eat More, You Fucking Jitbag”, and he’d look suspiciously like a plate of hamburgers, but he’d wear a cape so as to play up the mysterious angle. To wit, more evidence:

JM Blakely Vital Statistics Height: No idea Weight: Competed at 275 and 308, in addition to two other weight classes (220 and 242, presumably) Benched 710 @ 308 which has been posted ad nauseam. One of his most famous quotes is “ - If you want to beat the man, you’ve gotta out-eat the man!” Though it should come as no surprise, all of the criticism surrounding Blakely’s diet prescriptions centers around how fat it would make a person... Page 179


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ignoring completely the fact that Blakely himself wasn’t fat. As such, groupthink predominates and Blakely’s dieting suggestions are little more than fodder for online shit-talking by assholes who remain weak as kittens (likely because they spend all of the live-long day talking shit over the internet rather than lifting). In any event, Blakely’s bulking suggestions are as wild as they are obviously effective, and here they are as related by Dave Tate: “For breakfast you need to eat four of those breakfast sandwiches from McDonalds. I don’t care which ones you get, but make sure to get four. Order four hash browns, too. Now grab two packs of mayonnaise and put them on the hash browns and then slip them into the sandwiches. Squish that shit down and eat. That’s your breakfast.” “For lunch you’re gonna eat Chinese food. Now I don’t want you eating that crappy stuff. You wanna get the stuff with MSG. None of that non-MSG bullshit. I don’t care what you eat but you have to sit down and eat for at least 45 minutes straight. You can’t let go of the fork. Eat until your eyes swell up and become slits and you start to look like the woman behind the counter.” “For dinner you’re gonna order an extra-large pizza with everything on it. Literally everything. If you don’t like sardines, don’t put ‘em on, but anything else that you like you have to load it on there. After you pay the delivery guy, I want you to take the pie to your coffee table, open that fucker up, and grab a bottle of oil. It can be olive oil, canola oil, whatever. Anything but motor oil. And I want you to pour that shit over the pie until half of the bottle is gone. Just soak the shit out of it.” “Now before you lay into it, I want you to sit on your couch and just stare at that fucker. I want you to understand that that pizza right there is keeping you from your goals.” “Now you’re on the clock,” he continues. “After 20 minutes your brain is going to tell you you’re full. Don’t listen to that shit. You have to try and eat as much of the pizza as you can before that 20-minute mark. Double up pieces if you have to. I’m telling you now, you’re going to get three or four pieces in and you’re gonna want to quit. You fucking can’t quit. You have to sit on that couch until every piece is done. ‘Cause I’m gonna tell you that you don’t give a fuck about getting bigger and you don’t care how much you lift!” Did I do it? Hell yeah. Started the next day and did it for two months. Went from 260 pounds to 297 pounds. And I didn’t get much fatter. One of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life, though”(Green). The caloric intake on Blakely’s diet is colossal. An EliteFTS contributor calculated that the total caloric intake on this diet is conservatively placed at over 11k calories per day. Calories (kcal) 4 breakfast sandwiches: 4 hash browns: 2 packs mayo:

1800 600 160 Page 180


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4000 3040 2000 11,600 kcals (Patterson)

In spite of his seemingly ridiculous assertions about bulking, Blakely appears to be a remarkably intelligent and level-headed guy about it. He states, for instance: “ that the weight gain is to be temporary. You should plan a reducing diet to the new strength you amassed during the bulking phase while lowering your body fat to the same level you started at. You are not training to get stronger, only to hold the strength you have while dropping the excess. Commit yourself to the goal of returning to your starting level of bodyfat and see how much of the new strength you’re kept. If you diet right, it should be above 80%. So that is your true gain. The gain you keep after gaining and losing the excess bodyfat is what counts. If you gain 20 lbs on your bench and lose 15 when you diet, you missed the point. If you gain 20 lbs on the bench and keep 15 (16) you’ve achieved something and done it correctly. Now repeat this process as necessary!! I suggest that you only hold your weight heavy for no longer than 5-6 months before you diet back down. Each time you repeat this process, you will hold more strength and have more muscle mass than before. Avoid staying heavy too long. It is only temporary”(Blakely). In that light, the suggestions Dave Tate blithely applied to his own diet make far more sense. The idea is not that one should become a giant fatass- the idea is that true dramatic changes to one’s physique occur as the result of dramatic efforts both in the gym and at the dinner table. Fears of fat-assedness can thus hardly be maintained with any degree of validity due to the fact that Blakely’s diet is not intended to be conducted like a runaway train, but rather as a cyclical method for increasing lean body mass while maintaining one’s level of bodyfat. It is, if you will, the ABCDE diet (read more here) taken to an enormous temporal extreme. Will that allay the fears of the internet’s legions of skinny-fat know-nothings? Certainly not, but those idiots are beyond helping anyway, so let’s dig a shallow ditch, shove them in, plant a gym atop it and laugh as we shit on their burial ground.

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Anthony Ditillo Vital Statistics Height: 5’6” Weight: 258 lbs Strict Standing OH Press:350 lbs. Seated press to forehead: 435x3 (that’s not a typo- that comes from Poliquin himself) Ditillo’s name isn’t really a household name, outside of those people who read Dezso Ban and associate the name Ditillo with that site. He was, however, an incredibly strong and insightful guy Ditillo wrote for Iron Man magazine for a couple of decades and practiced what he preached- he bulked to 300 at one point and then cut down to 190 thereafter. Given his pedigree, lifting accomplishments, and the fact that he was a master of weight manipulation, you’d think that he’d be the go to guy on the subject, but information on this motherfucker is as scanty as the few biographical tidbits I could locate are obsequious. Nevertheless, he had the following to say on the subject of weight gain, which I pared down from a rather lengthy article: “Today the physical culture world is enveloped with training systems most of which are not worth the paper they are printed on. You hear all kinds of reasons for not being able to gain weight: high metabolism, low metabolism, high energy level, low energy level. What is all the ballyhoo about? If you have low metabolism than your problem would not be one of being unable to gain weight, but of controlling this weight and keeping reasonably lean. If, on the other hand, you have a high metabolism you must perform mass muscle movements in low sets of repetitions twice a week. You also must continuously force yourself to eat more and more good wholesome food. Drink lots of milk. It can really make you grow. Eats lots of lean meat. It’s good for you. And don’t forget the fruits and vegetables. They’re ALL important. So you see, it’s not all that involved when it comes to gaining weight. All you have to know is Page 182


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powder and powdered milk can go a long way in increasing your weight. Six to eight meals a day (solid as well as liquid included) may be necessary to jolt your system to adaptability for gaining weight. All Italian foods are high in calories and loaded with carbohydrates for energy along with quite a bit of protein in the form of grated cheese, pizza cheese, meatballs, veal, according to the ingredients. Sample Weight Gaining Soup Three cups prepared vegetable soup. One cup peas. One cup corn niblets. One pound precooked lean beef. One cup pork and beans. One cup lima beans. One cooked potato, cut up. Do not add any water to the above recipe. Sample Weight Gaining Drink One quart whole milk. One pint light cream. One pint heavy cream. One pint ice cream. Two packets gelatin. One cup skim milk powder. Three tbsp. honey. One cup fruit salad. One cup protein powder. Blend the ingredients together. I would recommend drinking half this mixture an hour bewith all the information and suggestions in this article I can’t see why anyone can’t gain all the weight he wants.” Clearly, he and Blakely were precisely on the same page about eating to gain weight- it’s simply a food as you possibly can at every opportunity. He was far more of a fan of getting his calories in liquid form than was Blakely, but the message remains the same- if you eat it, you will grow. Additionally, Ditillo didn’t believe that you should continuously stuff yourself until you resembled Page 183


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one of the disgusting tubby motherfuckers you see oozing around Wal-Mart on a Rascal. Instead, Ditillo recommended periodic cutting phases to consolidate one’s gains and ensure that you maximized your strength to weight ratio... an idea that seems to have died out in the 21st century as various fatasses justify their impending coronary with assertions that absolute strength, no relative strength, is the only true marker of overall strength.

Norbert Schemansky Vital Statistics Height: 5’11” (181 cm) Weight: 90-121 kg Set 13 World Records in Olympic Weightlifting 3 time World Champion in Oly Weightlifting Pan American Champ 434.5 lb Jerk at 194 lbs. 441 lb continental and jerk at 194 lbs. One of only a few people to lift the Apollon wheels (366 lbs of train wheels on a fat bar) Presumably due to the utter ridiculousness of his name, “Ski”, as he came to be called, is one pissed off motherfucker. Though you’ve likely never heard his name, he’s one of the best-built heavyweight Olympic lifters of all time, and pulled off a bevy of coups in the Olympics against the Russians, earning a medals in the Olympics over 16 years- silver in London in 1948, gold in 1952 in 1960 and Tokyo in 1964. His story is actually fairly interesting, as he essentially lived in utter poverty throughout his lifting career to pursue his Olympic dream. This was not because he was a Hepburn clone who couldn’t communicate with other human beings and lived in the gym- instead, it’s because he recognized that most people suck and was not afraid to tell them about it. In Ski’s words: “I was working at Briggs Manufacturing and I asked for time off, and one of the guys from “I said, ‘Bleep you, I’m leaving’”(Green) In case you were curious, Ski was a super heavyweight at the end of his career. He started, however, as a middle-heavyweight, and continually gained weight and continued to dominate throughout Page 184


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his career, all while staying fairly lean. The diet he used to dominate the fuck out of the commies? I like to call it “The American Dream.” This consisted of “Hamburgers. Pizza. Beer,” according to Ski, in such quantities that he claimed Budwiser would have made him a millionaire with sponsorships, as would have Mike Illitch (founder of Little Caesar’s) (Green). Random Tidbits Frankly, I don’t thing there’s any amount of evidence I could proffer that would convince most of the dickbags whining about weight gain, but that’s never stopped me trying before. Some people won’t listen to reason, no matter how much evidence is provided to disabuse them of their idiotic positions- I’ve even seen criticisms online that I provided “no evidence” to my claims that persistence hunting and the “evolution of distance running” were a pile of shit, despite the fact that cited 41 separate sources in the four evidence entries ranging from anthropological resourcemotions will blind the living shit out of people and they’ll ignore evidence right in front of them so as to not feel like the pile of shit they know themselves to be. In any event, here are a few more tidbits from a variety of lifters before I move on: • Ed Coan: Coan wrestled at 98 pounds in high school, and holds records in powerlifting at 181, 198, 220, and 242. The man clearly knows how to gain weight and make it fucking count. His cheat, I cheat” (Koenig). • Pat Casey: I’ve blogged about this guy before, and he was another master weight manipulator. Like everyone else about whom I’ve blogged, Casey believed protein to be the critical component of any diet, and when bulking “he would drink 6 quarts of milk daily plus ½ dozen eggs with protein. He would also take numerous vitamins.” His diet was based around meat, milk, and eggs, and everything else was a secondary consideration. • Paul Anderson: Anderson was a fat motherfucker, but he was a strong, fat motherfucker. (Blog’s here) Anderson went after weight gain just like he did everything else- big and bold. Exactly like Ditillo, Anderson believed that it was a massive pain in the ass to eat all the time, so he drank the majority of his calories. According to Anderson, he “sometimes consumed three to four quarts of milk per day”, and would occasionally blend a dozen raw eggs into sweet (condensed?) milk. Later, he experimented with mixing protein powder into the sweet milk with eggs and ice cream, in addition to drinking cow blood and a bunch of other craziness.(Anderson) He also ate massive amounts of peanuts, put gelatin into all of his juices to add protein, and ate a tremendous amount of “strength-building soups” invented by his mom, which consisted various combinations of meat the additions of massive amounts of sugar to his diet: “Occasionally I would drink soft drinks during my training and noticed when I did this I could perform much better, and my digestive cycle would work much faster. This proved to me that I needed a great deal more sugar. It seemed that the more Page 185


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protein I took, the more sugar I needed to help digest the protein, and also give me soon found that much of the honey that could be bought in grocery stores did not do me as much good as honey direct from the beehive, bought from a farmer. It was my personal belief that much of the honey that was on the market had been heated in a pasteurizing process and had lost some of its quick digesting qualities.” On that note, I can stop giving examples in good conscience. If you’re complaining you cannot gain weight, no matter what you do, but haven’t tried adding liquid beef fat to your soup and consuming a metric ton of fucking sugar every day, you’ve not yet scratched the surface of trying to gain weight. For those of you slavering for evidence ing my contentions about the link between fat and testosterone, they’ll be in the next installment of the series, in addition to some interesting common themes in the training methods of the lifters I’ve outlined here.

CAN’T GAIN WEIGHT? GUESS WHAT- YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG 3 Having covered myriad weight gain diets used by champion lifters throughout the last hundred years, a couple of prominent themes rose to the surface: • all diets should be protein-centric. No true muscular weight gain can take place without making massive protein consumption one’s primary goal. • one’s diet should be high in animal fats. Fats seemed to comprise the caloric majority of all of the diets I outlined and seem to play a vital role in muscular weight gain and strength training in general. • a proper weight gain diet contains what would appear to a casual observer to be a ludicrous number of calories. The utility of protein in any weight trainer’s diet has been covered ad nauseam by myself and others, and hardly seems worth revisiting. In short, without devoting a considerable portion of your diet to high-quality protein sources, you will not grow. Additionally, high levels of protein consumption is positively correlated with bone mass (Cooper), inversely correlated with serum concentrations of sex hormone-binding globulin (the shit in your blood that prevents your testosterone from binding to your receptors, aka “shit in your blood that sucks”)(Longcope), may improve athletic performance, and despite vast amounts of negative press based on ancient studies (Campbell), do not negatively affect renal function(Ibid). Rob Faigin devoted half of his epic, must read book to protein, so it’s got to be good, right? Conversely, high fat diets have received either mixed reviews in the press or overwhelmingly negative reviews, but are rarely portrayed as anything but highly dangerous and possibly insane. In my investigation, however, fat is the unsung hero of strongmen. The utility of a diet high in animal fats is perhaps the most interesting theme running through the diets of sundry strongmen, and that every last one of those motherfuckers ate saturated fat like they were persistence hunting a coronary. Though I doubt any of them knew it, the inclusion of massive amounts of fat in the diet has been shown to markedly increase testosterone levels. According to a 1982 study, high fat diets Page 186


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resulted in markedly improved serum testosterone concentrations when compared with low fat diets. Additionally, the switch from one diet to the other caused test levels to change accordingly. In this study, dietary percentages of fat and carbohydrates ranged from 25%-40% and 45%-57%, duces the biologically active, free testosterone in serum (Hamalainen et al). Another study was conducted in 2004 on the subject that made things a bit more interesting by comparing the effect of fat intake on strength athletes to non-athletes, and found that there was a corroborate the incidental correlation between the supermen I’ve outlined in this series and their diets. This correlation was found to exist even more impressively in another Penn State study in 1994, which showed that the correlation between dietary fat and testosterone levels is even higher than the correlation between weight training (albeit a fairly ridiculous program of jump squats and bench pressing).(Volek et al) The result of both studies, however, is the theory that “dietary fat and protein intake may lead to [positive] alterations in the regulation of the endocrine system during prolonged strength training” and that “saturated fatty acids and monounsaturated fatty acids are strongly associated with serum basal testosterone concentrations” (Ibid). In short- if you train wings and beef ribs with lower overall bodyfat, harder erections, more physical strength, better Finally, as JM Blakely stated so succinctly, “ - If you want to beat the man, you’ve gotta out-eat the man!” I am perhaps among the worst of the strength training community in over-anaCertainly it bears mentioning that there are some caveats to this rule, and that the composition of one’s diet is just as important as its volume, but volume is a generally ignored issue in weight gain, eating as opposed to what- the “what” only enters into play when examining the kind of weight you’re gaining. Thus, if you want to gain weight, you need to line up protein-rich foods and attack them like you’re Kobayashi in an eating competition with Galactus. The themes consistent across these strongmen’s lifestyles actually extend further than their voracious appetites and amusing food choices. Not surprisingly, most or all of the superhumanly strong motherfuckers I’ve mentioned in their series made mention of the necessity of making like a modern-day Rip Van Winkle. Anderson stated outright that more than 8 hours was necessary, Hepburn apparently found 10 hours was the golden amount (Katterle), Pat Casey agreed with Hepburn (Casey), and Arthur Saxon got at least 8 hours a night (Gaudreau). Most of them mentioned the importance of sleep in of recovery, and should thus be a consideration for the lot of you as well. Amusingly, I get a multitude of questions regarding the necessity of sleep, in spite of the fact that I’ve made my opinion on the subject fairly plain. As such, here’s a blanket answer to the question “is there a way around the sleep issue?” NO. There is not. Page 187


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Insomnia? (which is probably a good plan even if you’re not having any trouble sleeping-who needs a reason to fuck up a frat boy?). No time for sleep? Make some. You can’t? I guess you’re fucked, then. The last trend I noticed in my research was the propensity for these trainers to stay in the “5 reps or less range.” Saxon, Anderson, and Hepburn all seemed to favor 1-3 reps, and the only person who consistently seemed to train at a higher rep range than 5 on a regular basis was Ed Coan, who would venture into the 6-8 range. I’ve mentioned previously my problems with the rep range dotal evidence to my supposition that the conventionally accepted ideas about rep ranges and hypertrophy are total horseshit. I’ll touch more on this issue in a future blog, so this anecdotal To wrap up, IT COULD NOT BE SIMPLER: • eat more protein and saturated fat. • lift very heavy • get a bare minimum of eight hours sleep. I never claimed it was rocket science- these are not men who spent a lot of time dithering about shit.

IT’S TIME TO STOP MOCKING INDIANS FOR THEIR CLUBBELLS #4: Before their jacked brown bodies were pulled into the cold, clammy bosom of the British Empire, Indians were hard as fucking nails. I’ve already expounded upon this pretty hard, detailing the wacky shit up to which they used to get, like “sports” that consisted of angering male bulls in heat and dinging the world’s most dangerous pole dancing, but it went further than that. Additionally, Indians were fucking jacked back in the day, though their physiques differed pretty markedly from that of what one would typically think of when they’re thinking “jacked”. Rather than looking like Ronnie “everybody wanna be big but don’t nobody wanna lift no heavy ass weight” Coleman, they looked quite a bit more like what we’d all picture Paul Bunyan to look like- thickly muscled, big-ass that look actively, for some reason, thinking that bodybuilders simply look like a bunch of weird bodyparts jammed together and held in place with the liberal application of staples and hot glue. I don’t think, however, it was their training that created the different physiques so much as their diets, however, and the modern diet of the pehlwans (which literally means “strong man”, but essentially means “wrestler”) is pretty much as wild as you can imagine. If you thought sumo wrestlers got up Page 188


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to some dietary shenanigans, prepare to have your mind blown harder than a university of South Carolina running back’s knees. Before I dive into the diets of Indian strong men, it bears mentioning that Indian diets differ conyour activity level. Thus, if you’re quick-tempered and wrestle and lift all day, you want to eat cool foods, but if you’re lazy and stoic, you should probably be eating hot food. Additionally, Indian Ayurvedic medicine actually prescribes differing diets for each season. There’s a bit of weird logic behind it into which I won’t really go, but they recommend, for instance, that you eat fattier foods in the winter, lighter foods in the summer, and lean, protein rich, dry foods in the rainy season. Basically, you’re eating to balance yourself out with the world around you. This is, I realize, a far fucking cry from what you were probably expecting, given my penchant for breaking down shit by their macronutrients and delving into the complex physiological unpinning of a given dietary choice, but the Indians don’t give a fuck about that shit. They’re relying, it seems, on good old-fashioned alchemy, some guesswork, and possibly some magical chicanery for their diets. There are recommenWikipedia one day. I cannot quite dive into Indian lifters’ diets yet, though, because I have to debunk a common myth. That myth is that Hindu Indians eschew any and all meat, with beef being format amongst their dietary taboos. This is, like most “common knowledge”, total fucking horseshit. Though I would hardly call myself an absolute authority on Indian history, I can state that there appears to be compelling evidence showing that vegetarianism in India is a remarkably modern phenomenon. It seems to have been imposed, over time, as an outgrowth of theocratic sentiment, rather than any religious prescription. Similar to the prohibition of meat eating on Fridays by the Catholic Church, there was a rather dark economic rationale behind the prohibition of beef consumption. Amusingly, the widespread prohibition of beef and other meat consumption occurred contiguous with India’s precipitous fall from a position as a world power. That’s not to say these dietary proscriptions were followed, however, but rather that the edicts themselves were issued. In the distant past, Indians ate just about anything made of meat of which you could think- their highest castes considered consecrated meat consumption to actually be a form of worship. The Rigveda frequently refers to the cooking ox meat for offerings to the gods (Jha 29), offerings of 1, Varuna (Jha 30). Compounding this are statements in the Taittiriya Brahmana that “unambiguousof beef as the best kind of food in the Satapatha Brahmana (Jha 32). Clearly, the ancient Aryans were busy grilling steaks every night while subjugating the existing populations, but you might wonder if the indigenous non-Aryans sided with or against the Chik-Fil-A cows. The answer’s exactly what any rational person would think- they were sidling right up to the grill for seconds. The Harrappan civilization was already established in India when the Aryans invaded, bringing with Page 189


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them the religion that would later become Hinduism. These people weren’t just lowly hunter-gathwriting systems in the world. Despite all of that advancement, they were apparently shitty warriors and got the brakes beat off them by the Aryans, who conquered the Harappans and supplanted their existing culture with Aryan culture and religion. The produce of the Aryan religion were the Vedas, a series of Brahmanical texts written over time, not unlike the books of the Christian Bible. Similarly, these books often contradict each other, though the Vedas are fairly uniform in the stance on meat consumption- it’s allowed. Most meat was allowed irrespective of the reason behind the animal’s killing, though animals generally considered to be dirty were often avoided. Until the 19th century, Indian sages and Punjabi badasses alike reveled in their meat and ate the fuck out of it. It wasn’t until Hindu temples laid down the law around the country to line their own pockets that meat really began to be eschewed on a wider scale, but cattle are still regularly slaughtered and eaten in rural areas of Eastern India, and the Indian Physical Culture Encyclopedia espoused the consumption of meat as well, particularly in the fall, which falls in line with the Ayurvedic dietary recommendations (685). Jumping forward to the modern era, pehlwans unfortunately aren’t snacking on beef jerky all day as a fuck you to the assholes who want to keep them from eating delicious, delicious beef. Instead, they eat a daily caloric catastrophe that makes sumo wrestlers look positively pro-ana by comparison. The pehlwan’s specialized diet is referred to as khurak, and consists primarily of ghee, milk, and almonds They’re not as concerned with what they eat, however, as how much of it they eat. Not unlike the sumo of Japan, these motherfuckers put food away like their name was JM Blakely and they hated seeing abs more than a fat irer at a BBW pickup bar. Thus, they “drink buckets of milk, eat kilograms of almonds, and devour large quantities of ghi per day”(Alter). Because they’re constantly training, pehlwans attempt to eat the coolest, most sattva foods. Though they don’t always agree on what’s most sattva, milk and ghee are considered to be paramount and are thus their two most important foods, and the foods around which they structure the rest of their diets. According to Joseph Alter, many pehlwans still eat meat, however. “While meat is regarded as rajas in nature, wrestlers who eat meat tend to rationalize this. They argue that one can eat meat and to some extent avoid the consequences. The trick is to neutralize the rajas nature of meat by some form of counteractivity. I was not able to determine what these counteractivities were. However, many wrestlers implied that meat would only aggravate one’s ion if one were “naturally” predisposed towards excitability, anger, and hypertension. Thus anyone who ate meat could, and often did, argue that they were so sattva by nature that meat did not adversely affect them. Moreover, by virtue of their naturally aggressive “military” disposition, Rajputs are thought to thrive on meat (cf. Carstairs 1958; Minturn and Hitchcock 1966; Seesodia 1915; Steed 1955). Some Rajput wrestlers argue that meat is good for them because they should, in a sense, eat what they are”(Alter). I’m just going to go on record and state that I think the vast majority of this shit is fully insane- for Page 190


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me, this is an entirely intellectual exercise. I’m sure there’s something to be learned here, though, so it bears investigation. That investigation does not include ghee, however, as I fucking despise its taste and smell almost as much as yak butter, which smells like a sweaty old man’s balls. It’s fucking horrible. If smegma and dogshit fucked, their unholy spawn would smell like a mild peppermint candy scented candle compared to burning yak butter, and ghee doesn’t smell much better than yak butter. Additionally, both of those horrid substances have scents that cling to your clothes through multiple washes, not unlike Animal Pak vitamins. Leave an Animal Pak in your pocket for a day and see how long it takes to get the smell out- this shit is the same way. Before you start googling, here’s the nutritional breakdown on ghee- it’s comprised entirely of fat, and the majority of that is saturated. Ghee has 5 grams of fat per teaspoon, which will be an important metric when you see how much of it these maniacs consume daily. According to Indians, ghee is “good for nearly everything” and “serves as a perfect, natural health tonic”(Alter). They of them involve a caulking gun and an open wound. Among the preferred ways to get ghee into your diet, here are the highlights: • After exercise, place as much ghi as you are accustomed to drinking in a pan. Cover this through the cloth into the pan with the ghi. Drink this mixture. There are a number of variations referred to generically as churan. In all such prescriptions, churan, ground pepper, milk, ghi, and with the other items (Atreya 1984: 28). • After exercise, take powdered black pepper and mix it in with as much ghi as you are accustomed to drinking. Heat the ghi to a point where it is compatible with your strength (the “heat” referred to here is not only the temperature of the ghi but its latent energy as well). Drink the ghi in its melted form. • In its melted form ghi is also consumed with food. It may be drunk before the regular meal or mixed in with lentils and vegetables or poured on bread and rice. • One of the best ways to take ghi in your diet is to mix it with dried, powdered nuts and grains. Basically anything which is dry in nature—dry in the sense of being non-unctuous—can be mixed with ghi in this way. Take whatever it is that you wish to mix—almonds, chana, (p. 122 )

cise regimen. • In the evening, take your usual quantity of milk and warm it. Add to this as much ghi as you are accustomed to drinking. Allow this mixture to form into yogurt through the addition of the correct culture. Drink this yogurt after your morning exercises. Be sure not to add any water. • Grind almonds and black pepper together with some water. Heat up as much ghi as you Page 191


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wish to drink and then add the almond paste to the ghi. Add some sugar and drink this mixture. ture as a snack after exercise. • Mix as much ghi as you wish to drink with as much warm milk as you are able to drink. Consume this after exercise. This is different from the other prescriptions in that no digestive tonics are mixed with the milk and ghi (Alter). My abject hatred of ghee aside, there appears to be a little method to this madness. Ghee’s rendered butter, which means it’s almost entirely saturated fat. As such, it’s incredibly anabolic. The pehlwans seem to like to add both high-glycemic carbs and protein to ghee post workout, making what would probably be the world’s most disgusting but reasonably nutritious post-workout shake. Perhaps a bit more reasonable are their post-workout milk drinking habits. Depending on the wrestler, they consume milk either raw or boiled, and then alter it for fat content to suit their needs. Based on their digestive abilities, wrestlers seem to either go high-carb/low fat, or moderate carb/ stupidly high fat. For the former, they add sugar or molasses to low fat milk, and in the latter they add fruit and yogurt to full-fat milk to make a high-fat milkshake called lassi (Alter). While they have a bit of nutritional logic on their side for the inclusion of ghee in their diets, the volume thereof is another matter entirely. These motherfuckers drink liquid butter in amounts that to Joseph Alter, “Wrestlers tend to increase the volume of consumption in proportion to the number of exercises they do in their vyayam (p. 126 ) regimen. There is no simple equation for this but wrestlers who do 1,500 dands and 3,000 bethaks consume about half a liter of ghi and two liters of milk per day. Since the amount of milk, ghi, and almonds one can eat is a direct In many respects being able to eat and digest half a liter of ghi per day is regarded as a kind of exercise in its own right. One must work up to this volume gradually. It is said that Sadhigrams) of ghi per day.” FIVE FUCKING KILOGRAMS A DAY. Let’s do the math, kids.

That is, of course, impossible for a human being to consume or digest, but even if it was a tenth of that, it’d be a hell of a lot of fat. No matter what kind of silly-assed Herschell Walker workout nonsense you’re doing, that’s a ridiculous amount of fat, and an astonishing amount of calories for a single food source... a food source that is a fucking condiment. Even the half a liter a day number is ridiculous, however- a half liter of ghee a day yields 5000 calories of fat, which is 4500 calories from fat. That’s a preposterous amount of fat for a person to consume in a day. Page 192


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As I mentioned, the third member of the pantheon of food that comprises the pehlwan’s dietary abomination is almonds, which they believe improve their stamina and speed. Almonds are crazy expensive, however, so chickpeas are often consumed as a substitute. The almonds get mashed into a paste and then added to milk or ghee, whereas the chickpeas are left to sprout in water, then seasoned with salt, pepper, and lemon. The water used in the sprouting process is then drunk to increase the pehwan’s strength, apparently utilizing some metabolic pathway of which I am wholly unaware. They appear to eat the fuck out of chickpeas, however, as they’re the cheapest protein source available to the average Indian. Beyond the aforementioned, pehlwans eat a variety of foods, ranging from in season fruits to green veggies to grains to meat. All of those, however, are simply considered supplements to the aforementioned 4 foods. There’s actually more to the Indian dietary craziness, but it’s too weird and too complex to go into right now- as a preview, it involves trying not to cum for as long as possible. attempt to explain it going forward. Did You Know? • not all Indians are Hindu. A mere 8 of 10 Indians are Hindu. My failure to mention this makes me a bad person, apparently. Although Indians invented Buddhism, no one in India appears to give a shit, since they’re less than a percent of the population. Muslims and Christians make up the majority of the remainder, and are not vegetarian. Well, not as a general rule. Some of them might be. We can only hope they’re not. • it is not nice to make fun of ascetics, no matter how much they beg you to with their existence. • although I mentioned that certain regions of India eat meat, some of you missed that part. Vegetarianism is widespread in India, especially in major population centers, but is not universal. • chickpeas are also called garbanzo beans, and might be magical. To get 150g of protein from them, you need only eat 10 cups of them, or a bit over a kilo and a half of them (about 3.6 lbs) might be a communist. Oh, and I know nothing about India.

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Sex is mathematics. Individuality no longer an issue. What does intelcure. Justice is dead. Fear, recrimination, innocence, sympathy, guilt, waste, failure, grief, were things, emotions, that no one really felt anymanence. God is not alive. Love cannot be trusted. Surface, surface, surface, was all that anyone found meaning in…this was civilization as DIETING THE CNP WAY: Some people think throwing a bunch of diets in a blender is a giant pile of horseshit. I, however, think that most people should keep their fucking teeth together most of the time because they have the analytical and general cognitive skills of a low-achieving turnip. A turnip jammed up the ass of a fat, hairy, drunken Moldovan with a penchant for buggary and an unwillingness to wash his genitals for the last several years. A turnip who chose that situation as ideal, because that turnip has particularly bad decision making abilities, even for a turnip. I’ve blogged at length in the past about the theories of biological individuality and metabolic typing, both of which have played major roles in my dietary formulations and experimentation. For those of you who’d like a primer on them, here’s a bit of a rundown: •Biochemical Individuality is the theory that “Every individual organism that has a distinctive (Williams 190). Though the concept of human individuality is treated like the kiddie-touching Uncle at a family reunion in the modern era of egalitarianism, it’s been noted by anyone with eyes throughout history that humans vary widely in size, shape, and color, both inside and out. For instance, English surgeon and possible scat-obsessed necrophiliac Frederich Traves noted that intestinal lengths in human corpses he studied varied between 15 and 31 feet, and that colons varied in similar ways (Wharton, 184). In BI, Williams goes on to note that humans aren’t simply limited to wide variations in intestinal length, but that there are differences in of orders of magnitude between the size, shape, and location of organs throughout the human body, and that these differences for massive discrepancies between the function of each person’s individual biological systems. •Metabolic Typing (the modern version) is the brainchild of William Wolcott and derives its basis from the aforementioned biochemical individuality, in addition to a landslide of historical precedent. It states that there are three primary human genotypes in of dietary necessity- Protein, Mixed, and Carbohydrate. Essentially, the theory is that once you determine which of the three types you are and eat accordingly, you’ll achieve optimal health.

These two theories have played massive roles in my personal dietary development, and have thus guided my research into various dietary regimes. Given that I’ve a penchant for investigating a massive array of esoterica, I’ve managed to combine those theories with a bunch of others to come up with my own personal system. I’ve found, however, that even within an individual, you’ll have

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of stellar bodies. As such, I’ve found the need to constantly reinvent myself from a dietary perspective. Earlier this year, I realized that my previous diet that consisted of naught but chicken wings was 1) failing me in of fat loss and 2) boring as all hell. Having utilized beef ribs in their stead quite a bit while dieting for my last meet, I decided to incorporate them into my newest dietary plan. In an effort to drop weight quickly, I decided to give the original Velocity Diet (http://www.t-nation. com/free_online_article/sports_body_training_performance/the_new_vdiet_test_drive) a shot. If fail to take some of my unwanted adipose tissue off of my midsection in particular. What I found, however, was that I was so hungry during my lifts that I was distracted, and literally found myself trains between 6 and 12 times a week, rather than the 5 weak-sauce workouts recommended by the T-Nation Staff. [Editor’s note: I’ve since discovered that there’s a VD 3.0, which is not a protein What I came up with eventually morphed into my Apex Predator Diet: Saturday, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday •5-6 protein shakes throughout the day (and one overnight, which I’d leave on the toilet and chug while

peeing). I usually had Monster Milk in the morning, and followed that with Muscle Infusion throughout the day. If I did a morning workout, it was a short workout (20 mins) usually consisting of one arm deadlifts, and I usually did not have a pre-workout shake. On two of these four days I typically substitute one shake at lunch with wings or other no-carb meat. •2-4 lbs of beef ribs with a dry rub post workout.

Wednesday This was the day on which the epic television show Deadliest Warrior aired (and now that the show is tragically canceled, Call of Duty night), so I’d go to a buddy’s house, grill either bone in Ribeye or T-bones, and eat .75 to 1 lbs of those instead of the ribs. Friday This was cheat meal day, so I’d usually make 1 lb of 94% lean ground beef as taco meat, and eat it on low-carb tortillas for two meals. My post-workout meal was usually some kind of sugary protein bar like a Met-Rx Big 100, and I’d usually have either another protein bar or a shake as a 4th meal. My 5th meal was my cheat meal, the constitution of which are listed in the Cheating section of this book, and I generally avoided sugary foods. Sunday This would be one of my typical keto days, wherein I’d have the beef ribs at night, and would usually have 10 Hooters’ Spicy Garlic Wings for lunch. Dinners were either ribs or more wings, and I’d make up the balance with shakes.

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been. As I progressed over the next year, I gradually began to maintain lower and lower bodyfat with less and less effort, as my bodyfat setpoint shirted and constant tweaking kept me leaner, bigger, and stronger.

THE EVOLUTION OF MY DIET 2: One of the writers currently in vogue in the popular media is Michael Pollan, author of , , and Food Rules although I don’t agree with all of Pollan’s opinions, and the last is essentially a Cliff ’s Notes version concept with which I can get, but his execution and my own vary quite a bit. In stark contrast to leftist/liberal/weaksauce point of view that humans are best served by following a near vegetarian diet. This is of course the opinion du jour of most of the fringe elements with whom I share I’ve posted previously, primitive humans were the ultimate predators, hunting a massive array of pants-shittingly vicious and humongous beasts to extinction with little more than brawny physiques and sharp sticks. and in that very same way I think that dieting and exercise adhere to that circularity. Thus, you need to eat to look the way you want to perform, which in turn deepens the necessity for that food pearance an performance suffer. In spite of this fact, it’s a colossal pain in the ass to train and eat the way I do when I’m being extra-serious about strength. Though many (generally fat and weak) people will contradict this is perhaps a result of the fact that I’m much more assiduous about my diet when training hard, and vice-versa, but that again returns to what I consider the circular nature of everything in life. Thus, it’s occurred to me that though Michael Pollan might be right about ditching the modern diet of processed food, he’s fucking up by eating like a goddamned bunny. I don’t want to look and act like a like a bunny. I want to look and act like the humans of yore- a muscle-bound predator that strikes fear into the hearts and minds of everyone and everything around me. As such, I’ve found that I have need of a diet that will simultaneously lean me out while providing me with the necessary energy to train extremely heavily and frequently. This is by all s a tall order, and to most people is well-neigh impossible. Conventional wisdom can go fuck itself, however. Given that half of Americans thought the US “goes too far” in granting rights with the First Amendment, I’m inclined to do the opposite of what everyone thinks (Paulson). That’s what I Page 196


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and lose fat if they’re re willing to break their ass, do a bit of research, and diet like a crazy person. Luckily, I’m crazy as a shithouse rat and have a hell of a lot of time on my hands. The following is the produce of my lack of a social life and insanity. Obviously, at the very root of my diet is Paleolithic nutrition. As I mentioned before, the people greater cranial capacities and more muscle than the modern human, and produced impressive architecture without the aid of modern machinery (Wiki, Hirst). As such, it would stand to reason that an effort to emulate those apex predators that our forebears were would be to eat like them. There appears to be a bit of confusion about what exactly constitutes paleo however, and varies widely according to which author you read. Did you Know? Cities like Göbekli Tepe and Çatalhöyük. The latter was a 10,000 year old city that was home to as many people as lived in London in the early middle ages, but with what appears to be a much higher standard of living, and in which there is no evidence of the consumption of grains until the end of its 2000 year existence. The former, along with Nevali Cori, is over 11,000 years old and is one of the oldest man-made structures on Earth. For those feminists out there, all of these cultures appeared to worship the Mother Goddess, and all show signs of having been egalitarian societies without gender or class differentiation. On the one side there are the hard-liners like Ray Audette, who advocate eating nothing but lean meats, vegetables, northern fruits, and nuts, and eschewing all else. On the other side of the spectrum, you’ve got authors like S. Boyd Eaton, who basically advocated the Mediterranean Diet in 1988 with his Paleolithic Prescription. In the middle you’d got the keto-paleo guys like Robb Wolff, Mark Sisson, and Art DeVany, and headed in the direction of Eaton you’ve got probably the most recognized paleo author, and the one with (in my opinion) the most polished academic credentials, Loren Cordain. Behind all of the apparent confusion behind the nature of the paleolithic diet are two major issues: money and geography. Cordain’s academic work explains the latter fairly simply: the proportions of plant and animal food in hunter gatherer diets range from a low of 26% protein and 74% plant among the Gwi of Africa to a high of 99% animal / 1% plant with the Nunamiut of Alaska. Eight out of the thirteen cultures he outlined ate 68% of their calories as meat, while another 3 ate 41-48% meat and 2 ate less than 41% meat (Ungar 368). Throw on top of that the fact that our knowledge about the foods ate in the paleolithic change rather frequently, and you get a geographic claim one universal “paleo” diet. That’s where the second issue comes in- money. Because one can made concessions to what they likely considered their target audiences. As such, Wolff went with paleo for the meatheads and Eaton went carb-crazy for the chubby housewives. For them, it was win-win, but for anyone trying to make sense of their lunacy, it’s a bitch. Page 197


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As you can see throughout the book, I’ve long been a fan of ketogenic diets. Though I’ve credited Bodyopus with giving me the kick in the ass I needed to start the diet, it was actually the fact that I was sick to fucking death of dieting on chicken breasts and turkey lunchmeat and awoke craving the fuck out of breakfast sausage one winter day around 1997- that’s actually what got me to start my experiment. I’ve had generally positive but mixed success with them over the years, and found that my previous extreme fat loss on a high calorie ketogenic diet was not easily replicated when sitting behind a desk at work. As such, I did a bit of research. I realized that while the calorie-festival style keto approach I had taken in the past worked while I was more active (as were people in the paleolithic era), it was not serving me well while I spent the vast majority of my waking hours people who should already know what they’re fucking doing, since that’s their industry. From this, I discovered that impotent rage is neither anabolic nor metabolically stimulating, and came to the conclusion that I was going to have to rethink my return to awesome. eating protein in regularly-spaced intervals throughout the day. This brought me to the concept of fasting, which is currently popular in LeanGains and formerly popular in the Warrior Diet. It occurred to me that something like the Warrior Diet might be the ticket to fat loss, provided I ural predisposition towards keto dieting. In the WD, one is generally suppose to eat very little or I found that to be a fairly interesting concept, I was unprepared to go all in with that sort of craziness without a bit of trial run. My trial run, I decided, would be the Velocity Diet, one of the major T-Nation products. This trial lasted precisely three days, in which I came to but one conclusion: Not eating FUCKING SUCKS.

EVOLUTION OF MY DIET 3: In the last installment, I explained that the basis of my dietary regime is the paleolithic diet, but that I’ve added a considerable amount in the way of tweaks to it in order to optimize my performance in the gym. By tweaks, I mean tweaks in the same way a Japanese tuner enthusiast “tweaks” a pickup truck to make it appear as though it’s a dragon- I took a giant, steaming shit in its mouth, threw half of it overboard, and started wildly looking about for anything close at hand to make it appear exactly as it shouldn’t. My problem, you see, with the paleo approach was that I was eating way too fucking much food. I’d been able to get away with this in the past, but time fucks up just about everyone, and my Page 198


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desk-jockey job and middle age conspired to fuck me in the ass. Thus, I began tinkering with my macronutrients to see what, if any, interesting results I could derive. The only way I could do this, however, and remain true to my Robb Wolff-esque ketoish pale diet was to either start eating a shitload of beef jerky, which would have been as delicious as it was economically unfeasible, or start tion’s original Velocity Diet. For those of you who are unaware, the Velocity Diet is a T-Nation product used to sell their Metabolic Drive protein powder, a powder priced so insanely that one would think that it was created by a team of Russian alchemists using naught but powdered diamonds and desiccated unicorn cock. As I, unlike many T-Nation readers, was cognizant of the fact that Biotest’s products differ from others on the market only in their method and ferocity of wallet-raping, I decided to go with products that weren’t priced by Bernie Madoff ’s evil uncle-in-law- Monster Milk and Muscle Infusion. I chose the former for the fact that it tastes amazing, has an impressive blend of proteins that is heavy on the slow-released ones, and because it’s got creatine included. The latter was chosen on a combination of price point and protein blend, in addition to the fact that it was low carb. Essentially, I wanted to maximize my protein intake while minimizing my caloric intake, in the spirit of the Velocity Diet. For those of you who are unaware, the V-Diet 1.0 consists of 5 protein shakes food, but non-cheat meal. It’s hardly rocket science, though they would have you believe otherwise. ic to that claim) due to the fact that you’d not be in ketosis (though I think this is a recent addition, as their PWO product Surge didn’t exist when I read that article years ago). way to get Precious-type fatties back to human weight in a hurry. They were characterized by being high in protein (at least in comparison with typical diets), and low in both carbohydrates and fats. As such, they were intended to preserve what little muscle that land beast had while stripping away the blubber to let their human side show. You can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs, however, and some of those non-humans perished in their quest to lose weight due to the fact that the researchers conducting the studies apparently knew very little about nutrition. The doctor in charge of the diet had his collection of farting, wheezing, pre-Klumps drinking a concoction of his own invention called Prolinn, which “was a liquid protein that provided fewer than 400 calories a day, consisted of ground-up and crushed animal horns, hooves, hides, tendons, bones and oththem down.”(Diets) From this, we learned that a lack of protein can cause cardiac heart loss and a lack of minerals can cause arrhythmias, which led later experimenters to choose a more suitable protein source and supplement with vitamins and minerals (MacDonald). Thus, diets like the Duof the Velocity Diet and Lyle Macdonald’s Rapid Fat Loss Handbook diet. According to Macdonald, the PSMF was the outgrowth of the use of starvation diets to aid in fat Page 199


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loss. Though they did result in considerable fat loss, starvation diets had the unhappy side effect of rapid muscle loss, which is of course not the goal of any strength athlete. As such, it’s necessary to abate that side effect with regular infusions of protein, which is what PSMF diets aim to achieveit spares muscular bodyweight from conversion into glucose by providing the body with a source of protein from which it may do so, while at the same time maintaining ketosis. For this reason, it would seem to go nicely with the diet I’d already had in place, perhaps (as I envisioned it) in a caloric cycling scheme, as I couldn’t imagine training the way I do on that sort of a diet. I did, for a period of a few days, attempt the Velocity Diet. It fucking sucked. I was so distracted during my workouts from hunger that I cut them short. No amount of ephedrine and caffeine would push me through a ninety minute workout of singles and doubles in behind the neck push press without gravely endangering my life. As such, I deemed the Velocity Diet unsuitable for my goals. But, you might be thinking, “what about losing all of your fat”? It’s simple- I was never a giant fatass. Although I let my body fat creep up to uncomfortable (for me levels in the 12-15% range muscle for fat loss. Though the title of the diet is “protein sparing”, that’s not to say that such a diet would preserve mass on a 6-10 workout a week program, especially with the weights I handle. Additionally, I saw no reason to lose the weight quickly if I could take it off over time and get levels while accelerating my metabolism with dietary trickery. In essence, I would have to become the Loki of diet and exercise. How to become a mythical god of shenanigans? I explained that I found parts of the to be intriguing, as it’s an intermittent fast made popular by the rather convincing Ori Hofmekler. Hofmekler based his diet on that of the soldiers of the Roman Empire, who ate sparingly throughout the day and feasted at night. That seemed reasonable to me, and eminently doable, though I was concerned about catabolism during the day. This is where the Velocity Diet/PSMF came in- provided I kept my calories low throughout the day and simply utilized shakes to offset any catabolism I might encounter from two-a-day workouts, I might be able to combine the fat-burning effects of the undereating phase with the anabolic effects of the overeating phase to achieve both goals simultaneously. As such, this is similar to what Martin Berkhan espouses, however without the actual starvation and potential catabolism. Berkhan himself its there’s no clinical evidence to the theory that catabolism is arrested in IF with heavy weight training, and as I’ve no inin hedging like a motherfucker and chugging some protein shakes. Thus, we come back to paleolithic eating and to the meal itself. It was, almost to a day, the exact same thing- beef ribs. The reasoning behind the ribs was initially a revolt by my taste buds against chicken wings, of which I’ve grown sick after a couple of years of occasional reliance. I found that beef ribs had a similar macronutrient ratio to the wings, tasted amazing, were high calorie, and had one more thing in common with the meat I’d cast aside- beef ribs are meat on the bone. Though most people would posit that this is a ridiculous reason to choose a food, I have always found meat Page 200


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on a bone to be far more satisfying than other cuts. There’s something visceral and animalistic son I started referring to my diet as the Apex Predator Diet, discovering later that another author had a very similar idea himself.

MY FAVORITE FOODS AND DIETS: Only because You Goofballs Requested This After this one, I’m taking a break from these inane blogs. This question is nearly as ridiculous as addressing why I wear Nike Frees, but I’m going to blog it simply to jump on my soapbox. My diet is not magical- it works for me because I’ve determined, through a shitload of trial and error, what works for me, and because it suits my personal taste. As such, I’ll address diet foods that have worked for me in the past, and why, and shit that I eat when I’m having semi-free days with my cheat windows. If you follow my diet, you will likely fail miserably, for a variety of reasons. This is WHY WON’T MY DIET WORK FOR YOU? I’ve been dieting, fairly strictly, for the better part of a decade. My body is trained to avoid lipogenesis and to remain in a state of lipolysis. This affords me the ability to tinker with my diet, and get away with far more metabolic trickery and dietary indiscretions than most, if not all of you. There’s a guy in particular who will remain nameless but who’s been emailing me for a couple of years who’s never really changed in his appearance or strength levels, in spite of constantly mining me for training and diet advice. He does this with at least one other prominent strength athlete of whom I know, and likely more. Why, then, does he fail? Likely because he’s not stuck to any of the advice we’ve given him, and gives up long before he should on any given program or diet. As such, his body never adjusts, he doesn’t lower his body fat set point, and none of his metabolism changes 1. I know how to manipulate my body due to the fact that I’ve read voraciously on the subject, and train hard enough to overcome any dietary missteps. 2. I understand my metabolic type, and utilize it to my advantage. 3.

that bland food makes a bland person, but it also makes a fat person.

SHIT ON WHICH I DIET OR HAVE DIETED Steamed Chicken and Broccoli (~10oz) and broccoli (2 cups) with white rice (1.5-2 cups, cooked) bodybuilder diet. I drenched the entire thing in shitloads of Thai Sriracha sauce, and ate it three or four times a day, along with three or more whey protein shakes. This took me from 140 to 160-165 lbs between 1997 and 2000, during which time I maintained a basically steady body fat set point that I’d estimate to be around 10% body fat. That’s the fattest I’ve been in my adult life, having gone from collegiate wrestling right into that bodybuilding diet. If I still lived in Tucson, I’d likely still be eating at Oriental ExPage 201


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press on University Ave., where I ate that meal thrice daily, because that place ruled and that meal was delicious. Yeah, I’m plugging that place, because the owners Thui and An are awesome, and I ate there so often they had me over to their house a couple of times for barbecues. Eat there if you get the chance, and tell them I said “hi.” The result of this diet was that I gained a shitload of muscle over the 5 years or so when I ate there regularly, though I didn’t lose much, if any, fat. Had I not eaten the rice, I would have been gold, but that shit tastes amazing with the Sriracha on it, so it was hard to up.

No, I’m not oiled up- that’s sweat. China was fucking hot. Me in 1998. Chicken Soup ing but chicken soup and chicken kebaps. I’d make 2.5 lbs of chicken breasts in broth with mixed cayenne to this, and my roommates fucking hated me for it, because the apartment always smelled like my soup. I didn’t care, because I fucking looked amazing.

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Climbing in Vienna, 170ish and lean. Chili- For about a year after returning from Vienna, I tried to make chili into the ultimate superfood. I experimented with adding and subtracting everything from bean mixes to cucumber to organ meats, and everything in between. I had fairly good results with this, but didn’t get quite as lean as I’d have liked. I blame the beans, though that’s probably not the real reason. As you can see in the stew-roids series, I’ve changed my tune on stews and chili considerably, and I realize now that it was not the beans that kept me from being as lean as I’d like- it was my lifting volume and intensity that failed me.

Turkey Meatballs The type I was eating is only available in the northeast at Acme, for some reason, and I’ve forgotten the manufacturer, but they were ultra-lean, contained a shitload of fennel, which I love, and low carb. They were incredibly good, and I’m fairly bitter I can’t get them down here. Trader Joe’s also Page 203


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brought our veins on my abs at a bodyweight of just over 175. At the time I was also dating one of the few girls who would cook for me, and she overawe me with awesome by frequently baking a casserole of sorts consisting of low carb tomato sauce, piles of turkey meatballs, scads of turkey pepperoni, a metric fuckton of crushed red pepper, and a liberal dusting of Parmesan. She would then box up individual servings that contained roughly 60g of protein in each Tupperware and send me home with a few of those every week. As such, I sure she’d sooner burn my house down than hear my name spoken aloud in public. Thus, if you ever happen to be in the surrounding area of West Chester University, you might want to refrain from saying my name too loudly if you don’t wish to end up with a knife in your neck.

Chicken wings- I’ve already covered these in a previous blog. 93/7 Lean ground beef and low carb pizzas- These were mainstays of my diet for quite some time before I went whole hog with the Apex Predator diet, and they kept me lean and strong without starving me half to death. Though they didn’t end up bringing me the results the Apex Predaer than a powerlifter. Page 204


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•The pizzas. I make them using Mission Carb Balance Tortillas, a low carb pizza sauce, Kraft Fat-free mozzarella, and Publix Hot Italian Chicken sausage, as well as a shitload of garlic powder, black pepper, red pepper, garlic, and italian seasoning. No, I don’t put veggies on my pizza, because I don’t like them- and before you ask, there’s no overriding nutritional reason. On the days I ate these, I would typically eat three of them, along with two Ultramet shakes and two whey protein shakes (one of which I drink while pissing in the middle of the night. That

The other days, I would generally eat between 2 and 4 lbs of ground beef, either in burger patties between 72g fat and 184g protein, and 144g fat and 368g protein before any shakes. Frankly, I drain the shit out of the fat in my beef, so I think it comes out considerably under that number, but I’ve got no hard numbers other than the ones I’ve provided.

Me in 2009. The Apex Predator Diet- This is the diet I’ve followed almost without a break for the last three or four years. It’s the diet with which I set my world record in powerlifting, with which I get to my heaviest and my biggest, and is generally what I consider to be the closest thing to dietary sorcery ever. See the Apex Predator Diet section of the book for more details.

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The lighting’s shit and I still look badass, September 2013.

WHAT I EAT OFF DIET Generally, I keep it pretty low fat and moderate carbs, eating a lot of grilled chicken sandwiches and the like. If I’m complety off my diet, my only real overaching concern is getting 50 grams of protein every time I sit down at the dinner table for a meal, This isn’t fucking brain surgery, people- it’s trial and error and understanding your body, and the cessation of any belief that following anyone else’s diet exactly will give you the same results it gave them. It won’t. Frankly, I eat food so spicy it would likely kill the fucking lot of you, so I’m not posting any recipes, as I don’t want your families suing me because you lack the intestinal fortitude to emulate my diet precisely.

THE APEX PREDATOR DIET, IN FULL AND GLORIOUS DETAIL

In the event that you’re not one of the readers hanging on my every word or who is new to the blog, this spinoff originally started with the Evolution Of My Diet series, which appears earlier in this publication. In it, I outlined the diet I’m currently following, which I’ve called the Apex Predator Diet due to the fact that it consists of little more than that which an apex predator would eat, supplemented with protein shakes because I’m much more theoretically sound Intermittent Fasting approach. The following entries will expand upon what I’ve previously explained, give greater detail for why this diet kicks more ass than AIDS in Sub-Saharan Africa. Page 206


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An Overview of the Apex Predator Diet The Apex Predator Diet is, at its core, a cyclical ketogenic diet, not unlike those I’ve outlined and discussed in the past. With this diet, you’ll be keto-dieting on 30 grams of carbohydrates or less per day for 5-6 days a week (or more, depending on your body fat levels). During the non-carb days, you’ll be consuming 1-2 meals of fatty, preferably bone-in meat per day, supplemented by 5-7 low carbohydrate protein shakes. The other day or two are referred to as “rampage” days, during which time you’ll replenish your glycogen stores and satisfy your desire to wreck pizza and cookies. ty Diet gave me just enough energy to put in a workout that would embarrass an undergraduate girl trying to drop her freshman 15 before going to beach week. I was truncating my workouts horribly and thinking about nothing more than fucking killing myself out of shame. Thus, I did some research and discovered those diets are really only suited to the morbidly obese and people who suck at lifting weights, rather than people trying to be so superhuman they make Superman seem like a shiftless, limp-wristed, weak sauce layabout by comparison. As such, I experimented with a variety ing, calorie-dense, and restorative in ways you cannot possibly imagine. This diet, though similar to many you’ve likely seen, is vastly superior (if you’re training hard 4+ times a week) to existing frameworks for a couple of reasons. •My macronutrient percentages are different. Conventional wisdom on CKDs is that 65-75% of your calories should come from fat. Fuck all that. According to my biggest fan on Earth, Lyle McDonald, “when subjects are told to limit carbohydrate intake but to consume “unlimited” quantities of protein and fat, they automatically limit caloric intake and consume between 1400 and 2100 calories.”(Ketogenic Diet 101). I don’t give a fuck who you are, that is not going to heavy training. Not only is that a caloric intake suitable only to the Olson twins and 19th Century hunger artists, but also at the macros suggested by the gurus, you’re not getting nearly enough protein, either. •My protein shakes have more calories in them than that, and I even mix them in water. This Apex Predator Diet is much higher in calories (3000+), and on most days, 50-60% of your calories will come from protein and the remainder from fat. •I cycle calories. For those of you who are not already incredibly lean, calorie cycling kicks in to keep your metabolism humming. I’ve not seen another CKD or TKD diet that tinkers with calories in this way to accelerate fat loss. •It’s easy. One of the things I see people constantly blabbering on about with the IF diet is how easy it is to not eat for half the day. I guarantee you it takes no more time to make a shake than it does to make a cup of coffee, and those fuckers must be chugging coffee if they’re not eating. As such, their argument’s as stupid as the Predator Diet is anabolic. rated fat and cholesterol, both of which boost testosterone levels, which in turn increase aggression, which in turn makes you tear shit up in the gym, making your system even more anabolic. Basically, you become a perpetual-motion machine of badassery. •You’re not insane with hunger at all times. When hungry, “people tend to conserve energy rather than Page 207


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competition and/or training twice a day. I used this diet to cut for a couple of meets and ended up on the underside of 7% body fat, making my water cut easier, increasing my strength to weight ratio, and allowing me to look fucking amazing while lifting big weights (and break a world record). •You have planned, insane, gluttonous cheat meals. These serve a variety of purposes, and they match the occasional gorge of a predator nicely.

Because I realize experimentation is scary, and I’ve already done plenty of experimenting, I’ve got four basic permutations of this diet- Fat Fuck; Not Too Fucking Fat, But Not Too Fucking Lean; by body fat percentage. The last is because I get a lot of emails from people whining about preand post-workout carbs. They’re of the opinion that those carbs are indispensable, though I would dispute that opinion. For those ladies out there who absolutely must have your carbs or you will turn into a raging ball of hormone-fueled fury, laying waste to everything in your path as you make for the counter at Auntie Annie’s in the mall, this should suit your purposes nicely as well. Components of the Apex Predator Diet ment choices. The reason why I’ve christened this diet the Apex Predator Diet is due to the awechicken breasts and steamed broccoli. On this diet, you won’t even need utensils, most of the time, because your food should come with a built-in handle— bone. Bone is an integral part of women appreciated real men, in addition to being tougher than most of the “men” you see waddling their sloppy asses around the mall these days. As such, it would stand to reason that if we want to regain that former glory, strength, and aggressive awesomeness we had in times past, we should eat like our forbearers. For those of you who are staring, incredulous, at that statement, consider the following: We are all familiar with the expression, ‘The nearer the bone the sweeter the meat,’ but we demand everything precut and prepackaged, and that is, increasingly, all we can buy. Our world is full of recipes for boneless, skinless become so obsessed with ease of preparation and speed that we have lost touch with the visceral appeal of cooking with- and eating- bones” (McLagan 20). “There is a universal understanding that bones and meat are inseparable. Yiddish: Bones without meat are possible, meat without bones is not possible. Hebrew: There is no such thing as boneless meat. Greek: Meat is sold with bones. Norwegian: He who buys the meat has to take the bone with it. English: Bones bring meat to town. He who eats the meat let him eat the bones. You buy the land you buy the stones: you buy the meat you buy the bones” (Bones 119).

slaughtered animal, but it’s stupid. Bone in meat tastes better and is healthier, as cooking it in that Page 208


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han) in addition to added nutrients. After you’ve cooked it that way, you eat it with your hands, as your primal ancestors did, using the bones as the handles for bearing meat to your mouth as they were fucking intended. Eating becomes more satisfying because you’re restoring the tactile sense in your hands to the process of eating. As such, it becomes a richer, more natural, more intimate experience and produces greater satiety as a result. As one hippie put it, “eating with your hands gives you a deeper sense of your food, because you are bringing more sense receptors to the table. the experience of consumption is extended even longer for a more pleasurable process” (Urban). Worried about a mess on your hands? Buy some Wet Wipes and be glad you have fewer dishes to do. Additionally, you’re going to be consuming a shitload of low-carb, blended source protein shakes, multivitamins, essential fatty acids, and fat burners, and will try to mix in some offal if at all possible. I’ll get into all of that good shit next, however, I’m no the biggest fan of offal. I generally just take an Animal Pak.

APEX PREDATOR DIET IF YOU’RE LEAN AS SHIT If you’re following the Apex Predator Diet, it’s highly likely that you didn’t start out ridiculously but rather a way to lean out while getting bigger and stronger all at the same time. By the time you tipped with metal rings, because it’s dominant as hell and has made your body fat into its sniveling bitch. You should now be at or under 8% body fat, so your abs are standing out in stark relief, your body looks like a Rand McNally map due to your incredible vascularity, and you should be feeling you’re not bereft of muscle mass. Assuming you had to work to get here, you’ll know exactly how your body responds to both diet and exercise, which affords you a tremendous amount of leeway with your diet. Before you head for the all-you-can-eat buffet, however, bear this in mind- you’ll never be so awesome that you can out-train a shitty diet. I’ve seen people attempt to do this, and it becomes an ordeal—45+ minutes sticking to the Apex Predator Diet is a good idea, though you can have the occasional dalliance. Page 209


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As always, I encourage you to explore your inner Nikola Tesla and get as mad scientist as you can with both diet and training, but just that until you stay lean for a considerable period of time, your body is going to attempt to return to whatever your previous fat set point is. Thus, if you spent the last 10 years eating butter sandwiches and appeared to be one box of Whoppers away from purchasing a rascal to get you hither and thither, take the following with a grain of salt. (Additionally, if you like Whoppers, you have no working taste buds, so dieting shouldn’t be all that Candied gastronomic atrocities aside, the Apex Predator Diet will become for most of you a delicate balancing act, wherein you’re going to try to maximize your caloric intake while remaining suyou’ll naturally cycle your calories, as your ghrelin and leptin production will be optimized at this point, and your body is going to loudly let you know what it needs when it needs it. Your stomach will growl its ass off all day if you try a PSMF, and you will be miserable in the gym, so you’ll likely drop those days. They’ll be replaced by the regular Apex Predator days from earlier phases of the nothing more than Slayer’s War Zone in speed, ferocity and overall sentiment, it’s tough to live on protein shakes and nothing more. As such, your weekly diet will start to look much more like this: MONDAY - THURSDAY, SATURDAY AND SUNDAY •5-6 protein shakes evenly spaced throughout the day consisting of 40-60 grams of protein and less than 10 grams of carbs. •1 medium sized meal midday (I shoot for 600-800 calories in the form of wings, generally, although I’ll substitute other meats as well. •1 large evening meal of 2000-4000 calories in the form of (preferably bone-in) meat. Let your hunger levels dictate the size. FRIDAY: Rampage Day- The details are contained in the entries.

ALTERNATE SATURDAY genesis. On those weeks, push hard to make it to Friday with the knowledge that you’re going to carry your carb up over into Saturday. As to when you’ll want to do this, it really is entirely up to you— I would use a combination of the mirror and your general level of enthusiasm for the gym need. Make Saturday more of a medium carb, low to moderate fat, high protein day than a Rampage. It’s important to that these carbohydrate refeeds are not super-compensations. orsky 13) Additionally, I would not make a habit of utilizing the moderate carb Saturdays frequently, as there’s only a small amount of glycogen synthesis that occurs in the second 24 hours of carb loading, and there’s the potential to regain some of the fat you lost during the week. As such, you should keep carbohydrate levels at or below 2 grams per pound of bodyweight on Saturdays (McDonald 132-3). Page 210


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It’s Time To Take A Vacation etary vacations don’t do much harm, and in some cases will break you out of a plateau. According to Torbjorn Akerfeldt, our “genes have not evolved much during the last 100,000 years; thus, they are still developed for our hunter/gatherer and, more recently, pastoral ancestors, who, whenever they succeeded in killing an animal, lived on meat for a week or two. At other times, when they had bad luck hunting and a crop failed, they lived on a low-calorie diet. This selective pressure gave man adipose tissue with almost unlimited storage capacity and a very adaptive metabolism to cope with periods of different diets.”(Phillips) Basically, once you’re lean, if you diet hard and undereat a bit, you’ll get a consistent carryover of the rebound you get from your Rampage Day into multiple days. I will generally not take this past 5 days or so, but one study showed that a three week period of overeating resulted in mass gain that was nearly evenly split between fat and muscle, and an increase in nitrogen retention that persisted even after the diet returned to normal (Forbes, Oddoye). Thus, protein retention after the overfeeding was increased, and the body was more anabolic. Personally, I try not to plan these, but as of late, they’ve been the week after a competition. After dieting and training hard for a few months before, with a massive cut as a catalyst, these gorging weeks act as a nice physical and mental break from the diet and normal life. For those who don’t compete like me, they are generally the result of a long-weekend vacation or something similar. You could try planning them if you wanted, and if you chose to do so, I would suggest they be limited to 4 or 5 days and occur on non-consecutive months. Additionally, I’d suggest you under eat a bit in the week before this extended rampage to accelerate fat loss. Provided you jump right back into the Apex Predator Diet, keep your training up, don’t abuse the vacation and aren’t completely ridiculous about it, you can get away with quite a few dietary shenanigans.

APEX PREDATOR FOR ATHLETES, ITALIANS AND GIRLS (APD & CARBS) ing me about pre-, peri-, and post-workout carbohydrates. As I’ve stated more than once before, I think that the current infatuation with those three facets of one’s nutrition are perhaps the most absurdly overblown distraction from critical points of training and nutrition one could have. It’s like a leper colony appealing to the UN for condoms and zit cream. People obsessed with peri-workout nutrition come in exactly one form— people who have no clue what a real workout is, clad in whatever the trendy workout gear of the moment is, making a production of making a shake mid-workout and getting in my fucking way when I’m trying to get water in between sets. That’s right- if you’re focused with laser-like intensity on your mid-workout nutrition, you’re a bitch. When you’re lifting, you should be concerned with weights, not Biotest supplements and waxy maize. The only people who should be concerned with peri-workout carbs are those doing extended sessions—and we’re talking about hours of something intensive. Think Iron Mans or ultra marathons. As for the pre- and post-workout nutrition guys, they’re certainly a lesser form of evil, probably Page 211


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duped into thinking that shit is of critical importance through the constant barrage of marketing that pervades every corner of life. For every person who states that pre- and post-workout nutrition is of critical importance if you want to gain mass and strength, I’ve got 100 people to name either, but rather that their combined importance is still far less than that of the workout itself. Given the fact that you’re reading this, it’s highly likely that you know this, so I’ll be happy to impart a bit of knowledge on the subject of pre- and post- workout carbohydrate meals and their utility in the Apex Predator Diet. That stated, I’ll address the athletes who’ve expressed their concerns about consuming a ketogenic diet while participating in a sport that involved more than simply grunting and picking up heavy shit. I personally have followed a ketogenic diet while wrestling (in college) and found I had no problem with energy provided that I kept my calories relatively high. At that time, I was wrestling at 134 pounds and my diet consisted, as I recall, of pork sausage patties for breakfast and about a dozen hamburger patties throughout the rest of the day, in addition to the very occasional protein shake. At the time, I hadn’t really jumped onto the supplementation bandwagon, so I really didn’t ever— Metaform Heat and Ultimate Orange. For those of you too young to know about either of these supplements, they had so much caffeine and ephedrine in them that meth addicts were scared reassert my for the consumption of stimulants, especially for those of you who need extra energy for running around and the like. Once more, they’re not necessary, but they’re helpful, just as the inclusion of carbohydrates might be if you’re not as genetically well suited to ketogenic dieting as I am (or a woman). --As I’ve said before, I don’t work with special populations, like females, but I’ve found that an augmented Apex Predator Diet does work for some females with success. I’ve had my girlfriend on a basic ketogenic diet for almost the past year, and I can say with certainty, it does work. Here’s how she described what her diet became: Let’s just say starting with a strict ketogenic diet is kind of miserable. I can say that because I felt like I was dying when I kept my carbs under 30 grams of carbs after eating for almost a lifetime with fairly high carbs. On day one, I tried to do the whole strict thing that Jamie advises, but I started adding in carbs midday because I felt my energy levels were so low (as was my desire to do just about anything, let alone go to the gym). I was also having a hard time eating the amount of fatty meat at the end of the night (as I still do), so I decided to take APD’s structure and change the macros. I’ll preface this with saying that it took a fairly long time to really lean out, but in the course of about 10 months, I lost about 20 pounds of fat and gained a decent amount of strength. I’ll start off with my stats as of August 2012: Back Squat: 185x1 Bench: 85x1 Deadlift: 225x1 (sumo) at a body weight of 150LB at 5’2”. I was an olympic lifter for four years prior, so my raw lifts were comparatively low at that point compared to my Page 212


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trained lifts. I believe I was snatching 50kg and clean and jerking 65 kg at that point, which isn’t bad but not great. My diet consisted of crispy apple Met-RX bars, lunchmeat, beef jerky, a shit-ton of eggs, and 90% ground beef with taco seasoning, covered with low fat cheese. That was probably 100 grams of carbs and 100 grams of protein a lot of black coffee) and the weight started to come off. That honestly took off about 10 pounds by December 2012, and I switched to a stricter keto diet then. I cut out almost all of the dairy (with the exception of cream in my coffee), and ate a combination of Quest bars, buffalo wings, and loose nuts, with protein shakes throughout the day. I trained just about 6 times a week, and my strength levels shot up. As of February 2013: Back Squat: 250x1 Bench: 135x1 Deadlift: 303x1 (sumo) at a body weight of 128LB. With this keto diet though, I did rampage every Friday and ate until I couldn’t move. Those Friday nights, I typically stomach. But, I had additional carb days typically during the last week of the month (cough cough), and my last rampage of the week was usually something Italian covered with cheese the day before I was to start shark week. Those carbs days at the end of the week involved Jimmy Dean’s Breakfast Bowls for either lunch or dinner, and that generally kept me from killing everyone in sight.

From this, I’d say the takeaway for females is gradually working in a keto diet because jumping in exactly what works for your body goes a long way.--

TINKERING WITH THE APEX PREDATOR DIET I’ve stated time and time again that it’s imperative that you experiment with anything and everyfair amount of research, but give my penchant for research, I’ve tried to do a fair amount of the legwork for you. One concern some people have had with the Apex Predator Diet is that they experience a tremendous amount of lethargy a couple of days into the low carbohydrate phase of the APD. Given the amazing array of biochemical makeups one could have, this should come as no bolic Typing series, I outlined various metabolic typing methodologies, but the current trend is to divide people into Protein, Carb, or Mixed types. It’s possible to transition from one to the other, according to some authors, so making that attempt might be worthwhile.

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As I mentioned in an Ask The Asshole about the diet, Lyle McDonald and Dan Duchaine both suggested the use of an isocaloric diet if one is shifting from a traditional high carb, low fat diet into a ketogenic diet. An interesting study by Stephen Phinney examined the initial investigations into ketogenic diets for endurance energy, and his study uncovered exactly what Duchaine and McDonald alluded to— the body often requires at least a two week acclimation period to wean athletes off their carbohydrate diet (Phinney). Thus, your “carb crash” might be mitigated by the gradual transition. Something like the Zone Diet might help people who would be considered Carb-Types according to a Metabolic Typing test transition to a Protein Type. A month of Zone Dieting, however, might not be enough to complete the transition, and you might experience the crash Phinney noted. The Inuit, according to Phinney, dealt with energy lags by greatly increasing their consumption of fat and decreasing their protein intake accordingly, while other authors have suggested that fat could be decreased and carbs could be increased accordingly. The key, then, is to determine what works best for you. That is, of course, the entire purpose of the Apex Predator Diet- to allow one to shed fat while gaining muscle and strength. Luckily for me, I’m well suited to ketogenic dieting. For those of you who aren’t, or feel as though you need more quick energy to facilitate sporting competition or just to fuel your workouts, there is hope for you yet. A Historical Aside Before you delve into the following bits about the utilization of carbohydrates to spur greater athletic performance, I’ll go ahead and make a quick aside— a quick study of the entirety of human history will lead to one inevitable conclusion. Humans do not require carbohydrates to perform at a high level. The history of agriculture is essentially the history of human collectives in areas of high population densities— carbohydrates provide a cheap, easy way to feed a large population in a small area. Put another way, carbohydrates are the fare of plebeians and slaves, as crops were grown to feed the menial workers cheaply and to keep them alive while they built absurd buildings like ziggurats and pyramids. As I’ve shown before, humans were larger and more muscular in the Paleolithic era than the Neolithic, and those peoples credited with being the strongest and most muscular in recorded history were all nearly entirely carnivorous. The peoples considered to be the scourges of Europe were always nomads, championing animal husbandry and looking down upon agrarian societies as prey— the Huns, Goths, Mongols, Scythians and Sarmatians all ate similar diets that consisted of little more than meat and milk. Of the Goths, Tacitus noted, “Feasts and entertainments, which, though inelegant, are plentifully furnished, are their only pay. The means of this bounty come from war and rapine. Nor are they as easily persuaded to plough the earth and to wait for the year’s produce as to challenge an enemy and earn the honor of wounds. Nay, they actually think it tame and stupid to acquire by the sweat of toil what they might win by their blood”(Tacitus). Though the latter two tribes eventually adopted agriculture, their agricultural products were the fare of those who remained behind with the villages, rather than those who rode into battle. The Huns and the Mongols took this even further, eating little more than horse and game meat, and drank mare’s milk and horse blood to supplement their nutrition. This diet hardly hamstrung them— it enabled them to conquer vast territories while constantly outnumbered, and fueled legends of their incredible ferocity (Turnbull 30). Page 214


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“[L]ooming on horseback 8 feet above the ground, screaming maniacally, capable of unleashing warriors regularly beheaded their enemies and sometimes even skinned them whole. If an enemy were known personally, his skull might receive a special treatment: sawn through below the eyes, it would be cleaned and painstakingly fashioned into richly appointed drinking vessel. Not surprisingly, Scythian ceremonies especially royal funerals, were drenched in blood: sometimes these drinking concoction was imbibed by the Scythian chieftain” (Mann 4). Contrast these diets of these lean, mean killing machines with that of the gladiators. Gladiators in the Roman era were generally captives obtained from battles with neighboring tribes, all of whom generally subsisted on meat. As such, they were generally described in s by ancient authors as huge framed, broad shouldered, muscular, and wild eyed, (Tacitus, Jordanes, Turnbull) and were chosen to be warriors for their stature and ferocity. Once placed into the arena, however, their diet was changed to a nearly vegetarian diet, but not because the gladiators needed the extra energy. “The vegetarian diet had nothing to do with poverty or animal rights. Gladiators, it seems, were fat. Consuming a lot of simple carbohydrates, such as barley, and legumes, like beans, was designed for survival in the arena. Packing in the carbs also packed on the pounds. ‘Gladiators needed subcutaneous fat,” Grossschmidt explains. “A fat cushion protects you from cut wounds and shields have made for a bad show. Surface wounds “look more spectacular,” says Grossschmidt. ‘If I get great for the spectators.’” (Curry) So, high carbohydrate diets are awesome for getting fat, and but are they necessary for maintaining cardiovascular endurance? Nope. The aforementioned study by Phinney cited two still-unrefuted studies in which endurance athletes were switched to a ketogenic diet. In both studies, their performance improved considerably after their acclimatization period. Neither group consumed supplementary calories, but rather increased their fat intake to accommodate their increased energy needs. prior to attempting the inclusion of carbs. Were I to do so, I’d consider adding heavy cream to my protein shakes and possibly rubbing my ribs with olive oil. Upping Your Carbs Pre- and Post Workout If you’re not interested in increasing your fat intake or have already tried it and found it didn’t do what you’d wanted, there’s always upping your carbs. In the Anabolic Diet, Mauro Di Pasquale on a ketogenic diet consisting of 30 grams of carbohydrate a day. As such, he recommends that one complete at least the initial 10-14 day keto run and then begin experimenting with increases in Page 215


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their carbohydrate levels until an optimal balance between performance and body recomposition is struck. Following this line of thought, he tailored a diet for Godzilla’s second cousin on the black side of the family, Bob Sapp, so that it lowered the fats somewhat and increased the carbohydrates (Di Pasquale, Bob Sapp 11). He did mention, however, in the , that people who are excellent fat oxidizers (like myself) can easily train on 20 grams of carbohydrates a day, so experimentation is absolutely critical— don’t just decide what you need at the outset (ADFP that eating pre-workout carbohydrates will decrease IGF-1 and GH (ASBB 70). Thus, he recommends eating 50-100 grams of carbohydrates post-workout, for a total carbohydrate intake of .5-1gram of carbohydrates per pound of bodyweight a day. This, of course, would necessitate a concordant drop in fat intake. utilization of mostly pre-workout carbohydrates, which he feels are necessary to fuel high intensity exercise. He recommends 25-50 grams of carbohydrate pre-workout, and claims that the type of the use of fructose, as the goal is to replenish muscular glycogen stores rather than the glycogen stores of the liver. According to McDonald, pre-workout carbohydrates will likely not affect either your insulin levels nor your ketosis (though they might throw you out of ketosis for the duration of your workout), and are thus fair game for just about everyone. Conversely, post-workout carbohydrates may negatively affect ketosis, so he encourages experimentation with those (Ketogenic Diet 125). As for the type of carbohydrates, I have a suggestion from novelist and paleo internet guru J. Stancess. If you’re unfamiliar with his stuff, Stanton does a bunch of wacky shit outdoors that I’m inclined to call cardio, but he insists it’s just “doing epic shit outdoors”, like climbing mountains while fasted and all sorts of other shit that doesn’t involve picking things up and putting them down. He did, however, recently start lifting and noted the APD is the shit, with a couple of his own variations: “Here’s an advanced-level Predator Diet variant: you may get more mileage out of your protein shake if you eat several grams of dextrose with it. Reasoning: the protein causes some insulin release, which (if the protein is eaten solo) requires some glucose to be released from the liver in order to maintain blood sugar levels. Then your liver will signal “NEED MORE GLUCOSE” and there will be a cortisol spike, whereupon your liver will suck up some of the protein and convert it via gluconeogenesis. Also cortisol is catabolic. So the additional dextrose basically gives the inevitable insulin something to chew on, and as a bonus, causes a bit of extra insulin release which will help drive protein into muscles. (Note that “weight gainer” shakes have an assload of sugar because it’s cheaper than protein. Too much, no good. I’m working on about a 4:1 protein/glucose ratio, but that’s a guess and open at the brewery supply store...but the easier way is to just eat a few Bottle Caps or Sweet Tarts candies. Believe it or not, they’re basically 100% dextrose: no sucrose or HFCS. So my routine during protein loading days is: glass of

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The Gist As you can see, there’s a bit of debate on the optimal timing of one’s carbs if you’re adding them to the Apex Predator Diet, but if you feel you need them, there are methods to try. Experimentation is the name of the game, so get out your chemistry set and make something fucking awesome happen. Just , however- the baddest motherfuckers ever to walk the Earth didn’t need bread to help them stomp the piss out of a bunch of bagel-chomping motherfuckers, and it’s likely you don’t either.

THE NOT TOO FAT, BUT NOT TOO FUCKING LEAN APPROACH. This is what I used when I was between 12% and 8% body fat. I could see two abs clearly and two a bit hazily at the beginning of this diet, and I followed this fairly strictly for about two months. Once I started getting into single digits, I noticed myself getting hungrier and hungrier, and had to start eating more to maintain my bodyweight. Additionally, once you get into the single digits (or crushes damn near anything in its path provided you have someone competent behind the wheel. As such, this approach is going to alter slightly as you get leaner (should you wish to alter it). I realize that some of you react like Luddites at a robotics convention when faced with changing a workout or diet if it’s still yielding results, and if you fall into that category stick with the more draconian approach until you hit the next stage of the diet. For those of you who have less resolve for sticking with something than a meth addicted four year old white trash kid in the toy department at Wal-Mart, I recommend setting a hard start and stop point on the evolution of this phase of the diet to ensure that you make the progress you should. This stage is not too much different than the previous one, except that I recommend only one day a Hustler party. After you’ve made it to single digits, you may choose to drop the day of protein you continue to make forward progress with your physique. At some point, you’ll get lean enough that you’ll notice a very pronounced loss of aggression in the gym due to those days. Additionally, once you hit single digits, I recommend adding a smaller second food meal midday. This will help you stabilize your weight as you bring the diet home. The Basics of the NTFBNTS Phase SATURDAY, MONDAY, TUESDAY, AND THURSDAY: •5-6 protein shakes throughout the day (and one overnight, which I’d leave on the toilet and chug while peeing) comprised of 40-60 grams of protein. •On two of these four days I typically substitute one shake at lunch with wings or other no-carb meat. Once you hit single digit body fat, you can make this a four day affair. until you hit single digits. I recommend placing this day on Saturday, in between your Rampage and high-calorie •1500-3000 calories of fatty meat, preferably on the bone, in the evening. WEDNESDAY: Page 217


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•5-6 protein shakes throughout the day (and one overnight). •Less calorically dense meat for dinner (t-bone, ribeye, or NY Strip steak, leaving the fattiest bits behind. FRIDAY (RAMPAGE DAY): •Today is going to be characterized by medium- to low- (but not no-) carb meals throughout the day. Restrict your meals to 50 grams of carbohydrates or less per meal, and keep your fat low to ensure carbohydrate reuptake. This is the polar opposite of your typical day, so just bear in mind that your carbohydrates and fat should be inversely proportional at all but the Rampage meal. •Rampage! This is going to be a three hour cheat window that I’ll detail in the next installment. SUNDAY: •Higher calorie keto day. Ensure that you eat two solid food meals on this day, preferably of fattier meat on the bone- think wings, ribs, chops, etc. •5-6 protein shakes throughout the day (and one overnight).

During this phase, you should be making progress like a fratboy with a sorostitute in his dorm •Avoid doing cardio. Though utilizing a CKD (Cyclical Ketogenic Diet) as opposed to a

TKD should forestall muscle catabolism brought on by high volumes of work in the gym, aerobic exercise taxes your anaerobic substrates too heavily (Duchaine 132). Since this could lead to muscle loss, I’d avoid it. For the forty three thousand rugby athletes who’ve emailed me about this diet (sweet fucking Christ a lot of you like wearing striped shirts), you’ll want to follow the Whiny Bitch permutation of this diet, which is forthcoming. •Supplement with Chromium Polynicotinate or Vanadyl Sulfate. Both minerals work to regulate your blood sugar and insulin levels, and might aid in training and recomposition as a result (Duchaine 131). •Don’t skip or skimp on your Rampage day. I cannot imagine a person actually doing so, but based on the emails I get, a lot of you do some tremendously stupid shit. Don’t be one of those guys— Rampage like your name is King Kong once a week. If you’re curious as to why, there’s a carbohydrates and expect to make continued progress. You do have some glycogen synthesis that naturally occurs as a result of weight training, though it’s relatively small (McDonald KD 122). As such, you need to hit the Rampage once a week to ensure you replenish glycogen stores. Skipping or postponing your Rampage in this stage will, at best, make you fucking miserable, and at worst, reduce or eliminate your gains. Since this diet is all about being fucking awesome, reducing your potential for awesome is counter-intuitive. •Consume stimulants. They’ll fuel your workouts and they help establish and deepen your levels of ketosis (McDonald KD 116). Additionally, amphetamines have been shown in recent studies to increase the effect of dopamine on your brain, which increases motivation for both physical and mental activities (Ito). Happily for us, ephedrine is an amphetamine, so feel free to make use of the wonderful bounty that is ephedrine and all of its amphetamine-y goodness. You’ll be generally be more awesome. For those of you with heart problems, moral and/or religious issues, Page 218


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or simply think you’re better than the rest of us, feel free to abstain. Stimulants, while not necesDrink if you want. Though by no means necessary, and done to excess will fuck up your gains, drinking can actually help you deepen your levels of ketosis (McDonald 115). Alcohol itself gets converted to ketones in the absence of dietary carbohydrates, which means that it won’t fuck up your diet beyond replacing the ketones your body would produce from the conversion of stored body fat. Thus, it can slow fat loss if done to excess, but will not fuck up your ketogenesis. This is, of course, assuming you stick to non-carbohydrate-laden alcohol like vodka, gin, tequila, Everclear, etc. Additionally, Robb Wolff recommends you drink as early as possible to allow the alcohol to clear your system before bedtime to avoid completely shutting down GH release overnight. One of the best things you can consume, alcohol wise, on this diet is the disgusting old-timey gin and tonic, garnished with lime. The lime juice blunts insulin release while the tonic water acts as a “non-polar solvent” that delivers the alcohol into your system faster.(Wolff 138) Wolff actually wrote this that the drink of choice in the period of British Colonialism will do the job just as well, while additionally conferring resistance to malaria. Thus, feel free to show up to your local gin bar least, you’ll annoy the holy fuck out of the hipsters drinking that vile bullshit, which makes it a victory no matter what.

APEX PREDATOR DIET, PART 4:

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ble of doing aught but great violence to anything within his reach. As he stepped heavily into the room, the onlookers noticed that every sinew, every muscle, and every vein stood in stark relief beneath his paper thin skin, which threatened to burst like the skin on a sausage left too long on the grill. His t-shirt, loose at the waist, grew tighter as the eye moved upward until it appeared to be strangling him, so tightly was it stretched over his bull-like neck and shoulders. Shouldering aside ill-clad, scrawny hipsters, the brute made his way to the front of the establishment and spoke. into a garbage bag, and a half gallon of whiskey, or I swear by all of the gods that I shall reduce this building to rubble, lay waste to the surrounding areas, carry off your women, and drink all of It was, clearly, Rampage Day. Though you might be thinking that skipping your Rampage day might be a good way to accelerate fat loss, this is not so. In the initial phase of this diet, you might stretch your keto runs to acclimatize yourself to the diet and undo the massive damage you’ve wrecked upon your internal Page 219


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system. Additionally, you’re primarily concerned with being less disgusting to look at and touch, which is understandable. As such, you might be inclined to continue to stretch the no-carb phase of this diet to ten to fourteen days, which can have some very positive metabolic effects. Once you’ve re-entered the realm of human physiques, however, you should rethink that policy, as this diet’s not about not being fat— it’s about being fucking awesome. If you’re going to be awesome, you’re going to need to lift continually heavier weights and get more muscular, and the Rampage is a critical component in that, especially given the fact that some studies have shown that long-term ketogenic diets inhibit muscle growth when the dieter is in a hypocaloric state, which you’ll likely be (McDaniel). If you’re doing PSMFs and breaking your ass in the gym, it’s highly likely that until you engage in a gastronomic catastrophe like the Rampage, you’re going to be in a hypocaloric state over the balance of the week. That shit simply cannot be allowed to stand, as your workouts will suffer and you could lose some of the muscle you’ve broken your ass inside out to get. Thus, you should regard a re-feed day as sacrosanct. The Rampage Day is essential for getting insanely strong and lean, as a day in which you deliberately overeat carbohydrates is utterly necessary for muscular hypertrophy, strength gains, and overall recomposition. Essentially, the Rampage Day metabolism (Matsumoto), replenishes your glycogen stores for heavy training (Bowden), increasthrough a forced break from clean eating (Westrate), and helps normalize most, if not all, of the hormones [involved in] metabolic slowdown: leptin, ghrelin, insulin, etc.”(McDonald RFD 46). ing hymens in Jannah. Unless you’re where you want to be in of body fat, however, this isn’t going to be a free-for-all day, as you’re hardly out of the water yet. Instead, the Rampage is a combination of a structured refeed (like you’d do for a glycogen supercompensation) and a cheat meal. not— there are at least two studies that suggest that the body continues to use body fat for fuel on your way to getting the striated buttocks of which you’ve always dreamed (McDonald KD 135). At least one study has shown that short breaks from high fat diets will not have an adverse effect on lipolytic activity, and lipolytic activity in people who take high carb breaks from high fat diets are actually higher than those who are on a high carbohydrate diet, meaning you’ll burn more fat if you cheat a bit once a week (Saitoh). Additionally, fellow low-carbohydrate dieting advocate, Dave Palumbo, stated that if “you use a keto-diet, you’ll need to have a cheat meal (to spike insulin) at least once per week to keep the thyroid functioning normally.” For anyone who’s ever met a grossly obese person, they invariably claim that their thyroid’s at fault, rather than the fact that they gave up vertical locomotion for a scooter and some Ho-Ho’s ten years ago, and haven’t even bothered to mourn the fact that they’ve not seen their genitalia in 15 years due to their obsession with television game shows and Cheetos. Best to keep your distance from those motherfuckers and keep that Page 220


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thyroid humming. On your Rampage Day, you’re going to plan on consuming 3.5-4.5 grams of carbs per pound of gross bodyweight. Thus, a 154 lb. person should consume 600 grams of total carbohydrates on Rampage Day, whereas a 200 lb person would consume around 800. The timing of the carbohypredators in the wild invariably have a “marked circadian rhythm” and their hunting motivation is of the application of this fact to you, humans are universally considered to be apex predators, so evening, which leads me to believe that you’ll utilize the majority of the calories you ingest if your Rampage is synchronous with your largest meal during the week. Is there science to that? Fuck no, but it makes sense, so I’m sticking with it. You don’t need to walk around with a notepad and calculator all fucking day long, either— the key to the refeed is how many carbs and which kinds, rather than the pace at which you eat them. For your intake as you go. Others of you might want to go my route and keep your carbs under 200 grams for the duration of the day, so that no matter how fucking nuts you go come cheat time you cannot overshoot your mark. I found this particularly helpful in the early stages, but as I got leaner it went from unnecessary to possibly counterproductive. Multiple sources I’ve read virtually scream that you should avoid fructose during glycogen recomposition, as it simply replenishes liver stores and can actually be stored as body fat. Thought vegans will scream bloody murder this isn’t true, science does not appear to have their back. Instead, science appears to have gained full mount and is currently beating vegans like they’re talking shit on a California playground. “Fructose is more lipogenic than glucose or starches, and usually causes greater elevations in triglycerides and sometimes in cholesterol than other carbohydrates. Dietary fructose has resulted in increases in blood pressure, uric acid, and lactic acid.” To add insult to injury, “added fructose seems to provide little advantage over other caloric sweeteners and compares unfavorably to complex carbohydrates in susceptible segments of the population”(Hallfrisch). Thus, I’d avoid fruit for the most part. Additionally, overdoing the sucrose can lead to some being stored as body fat. If you’re eating either, try to restrict them to 50 grams and 100 grams, respecyou should underdo it, however. The Minnesota Experiment showed that the utilization of the minimum necessary calories in a refeed will lead to decreased enthusiasm for the diet and training, no matter the macronutrient composition (Russell 129). Thus, you’ll Rampage as intelligently and aggressively as you should do everything, like you’re a modern day Neanderthal with an 8-inch bonPage 221


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er facing down a wooly mammoth that’s trying to rape your girlfriend. The Rampage Itself In the past, I covered cheat windows fairly in-depth and mentioned that there are a couple of ways to skin this proverbial cat. The Rampage will utilize none of those, and will instead rely on a single 3-hour cheat window on the heels of the aforementioned carbohydrate refeed. During the cheat window, I encourage you to eat like you’re a Southern housewife at an all-you-can-eat buffet and gorge yourself. I usually pick foods on which I can graze, as I’ve shrunken my stomach and haven’t got any interest in putting myself in physical pain during my weekly three hour holiday. There’s no metabolic reasoning for grazing, however— it’s just what I like to do. For those of you who are about to throw Lyle McDonald in my face, relax, I’ve read the same shit. His contention is that self sick or eat three times what you’d normally eat” (McDonald 34). I’ll tell you this from experience— the farther you get in a given diet, the less you can consume in three hours— it’s a matter of pure biology. Thus, at the beginning of your diet, you’ll be able to eat more during your cheats, which will likely slow your progress. Should you notice this, you can moderate future Rampages to forestall that slowdown, though as you get leaner, you’ll notice you can get away with a lot more in or veins you never thought you’d ever see, you’re going to naturally restrict yourself on your cheats to prevent any backsliding, at least until you’ve stayed lean for a considerable period of time and Timing: I usually choose to Rampage at night. From an insulin standpoint this is probably not ideal, but from a lifestyle standpoint, I don’t care. There’s not enough of a difference in hormone levels to go to bed anywhere from full to bursting and have the night to digest and bomb out my place in peace, rather than force myself to eat a meal when it is inconvenient. Some nutritionists believe that pre-workout is the best time for a scheduled cheat window. Anytime thing wants out all at once. I chose wrong once when I was a kid, and my mom had to clean the bathroom after, as I ed out with my head hanging over the toilet, pants around my ankles, shit covering every square inch of the bathroom. This has made Mother’s Day expensive since I was 6. I don’t wish to repeat that event, so I don’t cheat pre-workout. Two supplements that will increase the effectiveness of your cheat meal are: ECA stack- it increases your thermogenesis anyway, but “ephedrine alone can increase the thermic effect of a meal by 30%”(Berardi). As such, make sure you whack that back prior to the initiation of your feeding frenzy to ensure that you’re getting the optimal metabolic response to your overPage 222


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feeding. Digestive enzymes- before, during, and after. Trust me, they’ll help. If you’ve been eating clean, your body’s going to have something to say about what you’re eating, and it’s going to let everyone in the room know what it thinks about it. This should prevent any non-alcohol-related pants-shitting, and keep you from smelling like you’ve shit them. Lastly, it’ll increase the absorption of the nutrients you’d so rudely and crudely stuffed down your ravenous gullet, increasing the positive effects of that meal and hopefully negating any of the negative ones. One last word on this, for you fatties— don’t include these feeding frenzies if you’re not already lean. If you’re a fat ass, you don’t deserve them from a mental standpoint and cannot really utilize them from a metabolic one. As such, you’d be wise to steer clear until you can see some abs. For guys, this means under 15%, tops. For girls, that means... whatever the female equivalent of 15% is. We’ll call it 25-27%. If you can see abs, have at it— otherwise, wait until you can. Additionally, if category, limit yourself a bit in your Rampage— you’ve been on a years-long Rampage and it’s high time you exercised some self control. Make sure you get your carbs, but keep the fats below 25% of your total calories while doing so. Kill a couple of bags of Baked Lays and hit up Fuddruckers for a couple of Buffalo Burgers, maybe. — eye on the fucking prize. The rest of you... get ready. Tomorrow, we Rampage.

YOU’RE FOCUSED ON ALL THE WRONG SORT OF DETAILS: With the release of the DSM-5, which pretty much states that everyone on Earth is highly dysfunctional and in dire need of a variety of pharmaceutical aids to be “normal”, it’s hardly surprising that everyone who ever enters a gym expects there to be some sort of panacea to aid their training. As such, the fact that I’ll see 135 lb weaklings dicking around on machines for an hour a day and then retarded concoction shouldn’t really come as a surprise. Unfortunately for me, however, it does, as I appear to have some hidden reservoir of faith in my fellow man backed by nothing but hate for idiocy and baseless hope. Digging a bit deeper, though, marketing plays a large part in the issue, as does the fact that taking supplements is a time-honored American tradition. Especially in the information age, marketing is pretty much ubiquitous, and chases people from hill to dale on the TV, internet, radio, phones, snail mail, and random ments plastered like billboards on peoples’ t-shirts. It’s unsurprising ridiculous of ad pitches. That, combined with what appears to be a uniquely American reliance on Page 223


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self-treatment, makes for a dangerous environment when one embarks on a workout routine, especially when everyone around us is fat, lazy, and mentally defective. In the past, I’ve blogged about what I consider to be useful supplements, although a lot of you seem to have missed those blogs and emailed me questions about the same 5 supplements. If you’re interested, it’s scattered throughout the blog, but the main treatments are here, here, and here. As it stands, the only supplements I consider essential are a low carb protein powder and a multivitamin. Just below that are test boosters/estrogen blockers (like tribulus), omega 3’s, and money. That doesn’t stop the average assbag you see in any gym, though. As I mentioned, it’s not entirely their fault. Americans in particular have been obsessed with vitablame for this interest, but Americans have been concerned with what they perceived as a steady decline in the quality of their food since the early 1930s, and have sought ways to mitigate that decline as a result (Vitamania 7). Concurrent with that phenomenon has been the marked decline in faith in the medical profession, which is only exacerbated by the fact that doctors don’t know their asses from a hole in the wall when it comes to training and nutrition. Doctors will invariably spout archaic sound bites about the dangers of excessive protein consumption and the evils of heavy weightlifting, in spite of reams of studies contradicting their decades-old “common knowledge”. Their ignorance of these subjects parallels the government’s famous ignorance of the same, which has manifested itself in the progressively more idiotic and hilarious dietary recommendations and the its periodic crackdowns on dietary supplement sales. Think the latest round of prohormone seizures was a new thing? Hardly- the government’s been in the pockets of the pharmaceutical industry and pharmacy lobbyists for over a century, and have tried multiple times to ban the sale of non-prescription dietary supplements (Vitamania 55, 131). Throw on top of that nonsense the post-modernist hatred and distrust of the establishment and you’ve got a recipe for self-medication the likes of which the world hasn’t seen since illiterate savages roamed the prairie in search of megafauna to stab to death. Did You Know? Self-medication and lay surgery was apparently prevalent in the Ice Age. There is evidence that Neanderthals utilized ephedra for energy (Rudgely 194), Otzi the Iceman’s body showed evidence of acupuncture, and trepanning (brain surgery performed to relieve swelling of the brain) was bizarrely common in the Ice Age (Acupuncture Today, Restak 165). In our haste to throw a hearty “fuck you” at the medical establishment and the government, howaltogether. As soon as a study shows a correlation between a substance and a net positive gain for have been the result of a study on cod liver oil in the 1930s, wherein it was shown that there was a Page 224


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mented with cod liver oil and those who didn’t. Subsequent studies on the substance showed that it had a positive effect on a variety of other systems, and supplement companies were off to the races. Soon, print ads were run stating that “No mother would willingly deny her baby the chance knowing it”, insinuating that mothers who failed to feed their children that noxious substance were peror’s court. The same shit goes on today on a wide variety of websites, wherein they insinuate that a workout is wasted if it’s not followed by the “proper post workout nutrition” within 45 minutes. This is of course patently untrue, but arises out of old studies that show that post workout nutrition aids muscular growth and recovery. Luckily for us, newer studies show that the window is actually 24 hours, which seems to fall in line with the evidence presented by pictures of old-time strongmen, stone masons, iron workers, and virtually every muscular person on Earth who’s not wandering around Gold’s Gym with a fucking shaker bottle in hand (Tipton). The same goes for peri-workout nutrition. Do studies show it’s helpful? Yup. Do they show that it’s absofuckinglutely necessary, as T-Muscle would have you believe with their ridiculous Anaconda protocol? Fuck no. If it were, anyone who’d lifted in an era prior to their invention of a need for a protein shake mid-workout would suck, and people with $400 a month to blow on bullshit supplements would lead the world in strength sports. In case you hadn’t noticed... they don’t. In short, don’t let yourself get focused on the wrong shit- there’s no panacea for getting fucking strong, ripped, or jacked. What there is is breaking your ass in the gym lifting heavy weights, eating as much protein as you possibly can, as often as you can, and getting a shitload of sleep. It worked for Hackenshmidt, Goerner, Saxon, and a shitload of other guys before Wieder convinced everyone that they had to take three days off a week and before the government ordained that you should eat as much bread as humanly possible. We’ve only sucked since we stopped paying attention to what’s in front of us and started listing to a variety of bullshit sitting atop a mound of shaky Do your research, question EVERYTHING, eat some meat, and lift.

IF YOU ABSOLUTELY FUCKING MUST EAT DOGSHIT, EAT THIS Frankly, I think this topic has been done to fucking death (queue the assholes with the “hackneyed” button fetish), a couple of you have asked me a question along the lines of “if you have to eat like constantly evolving process, rather than a static macronutritent ratio. So many factors go into food you’re stuck and you have limited options. Thus, I’ll give you a couple of ideas. Page 225


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If you’re WAY the fuck away from any kind of food that might be construed as useful, eat some kind of meat. That’s the key to the whole deal. For instance: •If you’re at a gas station, skip the Balance bars. Here’s why- a Balance bar consists of a bit soy protein, a shitload of sugar, and a bunch of fat. It’s a fucking shit Zone macro thing, only done in the most half-assed way humanly possible. Instead, go for the beef jerky with the least sugar. That way, you’ll get a massive dose of protein with only a bit of carbs and fat. It’s the original protein bar-esque snack. Failing that, you can go with a protein bar they have there, but before you buy a balance bar, check to see what the nutrition on their microwavable burgers are. I’ll bet that the burger will be better for you, most times. •At a fast food place, you’re generally best off with a couple of grilled chicken sandwiches or one and some chili. You’ll keep your carbs moderate, your protein high, and your fat low, which is essentially the easiest healthy way to eat when your food isn’t pre-prepared. •Hoagies will get it done, as well, provided you on the mayo, stupid non-meats like pepperoni/salami, and the dressing. I generally get roast beef, turkey, or a club with roast beef, turkey, and ham, and then double the meat on that bitch. Additionally, Quizno’s Sammies with grilled chicken are pretty badass, but you’ve got to eat at least three of them to get a useful amount of protein. •Nuts are a good compliment to the jerky if you’re keeping the carbs low. If you want to up the carbs, eat a bag of Baked Lays.

Basically, just don’t be fucking retarded. I get a shitload of questions about diet, and the shit is not brain surgery. If your carbs are high, your fat is low. If your fat is high, carbs are low. PROTEIN IS ALWAYS HIGH BECAUSE THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS TOO MUCH PROTEIN. You could be eating unnecessary amounts, but no one’s ever fucking gotten fat from protein, because the thermic effect of protein is too high, and no one has ever died from Shit you shouldn’t eat? •Mayo. If you eat mayo, you’re a fat fuck, you hate your arteries, you’re generally disgusting, and your friends probably hate you. It’s vile, useless shit, and you should avoid it. While we’re at it, Blue cheese dressing is fucking disgusting, and if you eat it, you are too. Moldy cheese blended with mayonnaise sounds like something invented by walk than eat anything made with mayonnaise, and I would rather stuff my hand up an unsuspecting cow’s ass than have that shit touch my skin. To recap, mayo is disgusting, moldy cheese is disgusting, and the people who eat that shit should be sent to reeducation camps. with nitrates, and it’s the random organic detritus of the butchering process. It’s like processed chum, with bugs mixed in for good measure. •Any packaged baked good containing sugar. You want diabetes? Fine. Stop reading my fucking blog. You’re because it’s shit. •Fish Filets. If you don’t know why, you’re a dick. •Fried chicken sandwiches. If there’s nothing else with protein in it to eat, have one. Otherwise, go grilledthere’s no reason to fry a chicken breast and wedge it into a sandwich bun.

THE GOVERNMENT DOESN’T LIKE YOU: In All Probability, It Hates You. The populist bullshit about the government being for us and by us is nothing but leftist claptrap. In Page 226


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truth, the government is nothing but a conglomeration of rich people who refuse to work for a living and who get rich off kickbacks and graft. As such, their recommendations, like the USRDA, are about as valid as a Star Wars nerd’s claim that Jar Jar Binks added levity to the prequels. Carbs are skimp every fucking time on services and goods for the people, but line their fucking pockets while they do it. Meanwhile, protein makes you mentally and physically strong, and strong people are hard to control. Plebes raised on gruel, however, are easy to control- they’re weak and softheaded. This is why, in spite of the fact that Americans suffer from more chronic illnesses than any other people in the history of our species, people still respect the recommendations of the government when considering what to eat, what drugs to take, and what is “safe”. I’m here to tell you that if you’re one of those people, you should jump back and punch yourself right in the fucking face. The government NEVER has your best interests at heart. they have only the special interests in mind, because they’re heartless, soulless, greedy motherfuckers who would love to see you dead, except that dead people don’t pay taxes. To wit: Modern man suffers an unprecedented amount of degenerative disease. Two of the biggest lobbyist groups are healthcare and agribusiness. Between the two of them, they have a vested interest in you accumulating massive amounts of degenerative diseases, which the healthcare industry can like school lunches are based (and which many Americans blindly follow as nutritional lemmings), were in any way healthy, our kids wouldn’t be fat pieces of lazy shit, and our fucking teeth wouldn’t part to blame for the massive number of cavities and other assorted dental problems from which modern Americans suffer. He provided ample evidence his book to his supposition, and as a dentist, he likely knew what he was fucking talking about. It was his seminal work that gave rise, in large part, to the paleo dieting movement. Does the government his recommendations? Hell no. In spite of the fact that he’s the only person who’s made a compelling argument for the dramatic increase in dental caries over the last 200 years, in spite of the American obsession with dental health that borders on psychosis. The government, in collusion with the ADA, blames the government. Heavens, no! It couldn’t be that! The teeth of paleolithic people stay in their fucking heads, and are strong enough to chew through plate steel. Likewise, neither the government nor their lackeys can for the exponential rise in degenerative diseases over the past 100 years, and tend to blame the problem on increased longevity, in spite of the fact that paleolithic cultures with similar life expectations don’t suffer from cancer, bone degeneration, or any of the their feebleness, as pharmaceutical and insurance companies do in our own. Instead, their society Page 227


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dence of elderly people who are hard as the nails through which they can bite, like the 73-year-old Kenyan man who used his bare hands to tear out the tongue of a leopard that attacked him. Same goes for obesity. The government blames Big Macs and trans fats. Are they contributors? Sure, but not on the scale that “healthy” foods like spaghetti are. And why? Because the government subsidizes the living shit out of agribusiness to provide cheap, inferior calories for the proles to consume before they can trudge to their miserable jobs, soft-headed, and accept whatever fate is and Scientologists, use a diet high in carbohydrates and low in protein in conjunction with sleep deprivation to aid in brainwashing their . An interesting parallel can be drawn between that and the US work ethic and diet, it seems. Look at this wacky pile of nutritional horseshit, for instance:

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•GO LEAN WITH PROTEIN? How can you BE lean without it? Want a catchy rhyme with which to replace that? How about “Eat like motherfucking Hannibal- Out of meat? Become a cannibal”. •This bullshit is easily 60-70% carbs. •They fail to acknowledge that corn and potatoes are starches, rather than vegetables, for one. The glycemic load for Corn Flakes is higher than it is for fucking CocoPops, for fuck’s sake, and corn on the cob has a higher load than Wonder bread. •They pair beans with meats, which is fucking absurd. Beans don’t provide a protein about as complete as the combined personalities of those whores from the Hills, and shouldn’t ever be directly compared with meat. And don’t even get me fucking started on soy. Ah, well, fuck it- it ruins your metabolism, raises estrogen, lowers testosterone, and might just be generally toxic. (PUBMED) I’ve posted about it ad naseum, but it still has me shot right out of a fucking cannon. Guess what Scientologists make new “recruits” eat? Beans and rice. •5 oz of 95% lean beef yields 39g protein. That’s it. That’s all the government recommends.

Frankly, if you’re not compelled to hate every politician on Earth at this point, you have all of the rationality and critical analysis skills of Nick Nolte. Nevertheless, here’s a couple of other things Page 229


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the government does for you on a daily basis to make you more docile, weaker, and generally more pathetic every day: you drink 8 glasses a day. A 2008 study found “Antibiotics, anti-depressants, and estrogen” in our drinking water. Additionally, “British research suggests that estrogen, the female sex hormone, is primarily responsible for deformhas occurred downstream from treatment plants in Las Vegas and Minneapolis. Carp in these areas show the same •they openly poisoned alcohol during the prohibition, and killed 10,000+ people doing so. •pesticides are carcinogenic, yet the government promotes their use wholeheartedly. The book Silent Spring by Rachel Carson details this thoroughly, giving “most of her attention to insecticides, herbicides and fungicides, since these are the most dangerous poisons. She shows the futility of relying on them or any new substitutes offered to counteract the swift evolution of immunity to chemical control shown by more and more insects and fungus diseases. She quotes an authority on cancer, Dr. W. C. Hueper of the National Cancer Institute, who has given body] begins with the smallest conceivable intake of the chemical (which is present as residues on most foodstuffs) intake of as little as one-tenth of 1 part per million in the diet results in storage of about 10 to 15 parts per million, an increase of one hundredfold or more. * * *In animal experiments, 3 parts per million has been found to inhibit an essential enzyme in heart muscle; only 5 parts per million has brought about necrosis or disintegration of liver cells; only 2.5 parts per million of the closely related chemicals dieldrin and chlordane did the same.” Other modern insecticides are still more deadly. Nor did the discovery of their poisonous character “come by chance: insects were widely used [during World War II] to test chemicals as agents of death for man” (Milne).

Throw all of this in a blender, and what do you get? Yeah, I know, I’ve already picked out my cabin in the woods, and am thinking of changing my name to Ted Kaczynsky Lewis, but the shit is justiand does so by keeping you drugged, half-starved, and confused. Thus, the next time you hear or read a recommendation by the government on the consumption of controlled substances, vitamins, supplements, or food, take a long look at what they’ve suggested and the reasons why. Nine times out of ten, their recommendations will be outright lies, and their reasoning will be predicated entirely upon their ability to control the populace and line their pockets through kickbacks or taxation. They can do this because the American people have no redress- the government is completely insulated from civil suits by the doctrine of sovereign immunity, and electing another politician simply puts the money in another professional liar’s hands. Two of the only respectable of the government we’ve ever had didn’t trust the government- Teddy Roosevelt and Jesse Ventura. Jesse’s moved to fucking Mexico because of the bullshit constantly coming out of Washington, and Teddy devoted his entire life to working against the establishment, when he wasn’t busy boxing pro be you shouldn’t either. never wanted you, and in all probability, it HATES you. It’s not the worst thing that can happen. Page 230


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THERE’S A BUNCH OF FUCKING HORSESHIT FLOATING AROUND... Food. It’s a pretty fucking important factor in training. Just how important is it? That’s a matter for some debate. A quick Google search yielded this nugget, which seems to echo the Weider crowd’s opinion on the matter - “According to International Federation of Bodybuilders (IFBB) Professional Figure athlete Rachel Cammon, as much as 80 percent of extreme hypertrophy, as seen in bodybuilding competitions, can be attributed to the athlete’s diet.” Interesting. So, this genius, and many others in the physical culture community, believe that nutrition is 75-80% (depending on the source) of what will ultimately lead to speed, strength, and good body composition. That’s fucking absurd. You can have the most impeccable diet in history, but if you’re sitting on the fucking couch all day long, you’re still going to be weak and look like shit. It’s idiots like this fucking retard that get people quibbling over dietary intake and failing to apply the same assiduous attention to the gym, and they end up sucking at the end of the day. This just in- the guys who sat for the sculptures in ancient Greece and Rome didn’t have access to protein powders, NO Explode, or any of the other happy horseshit with which you see everyone hideously preoccupied these days. Instead, they had heavy shit to pick up repeatedly, which they did. Same goes for the Eastern European liftand eating a traditional diet that’s 2x less than that of other EU , which is still far less than us. Now, does that mean you should eat whatever the fuck you want and try to out-train your diet? Unless you can devote 8 hours a day to training, I wouldn’t recommend it. It does mean, however, that no matter what some douche tells you in an article on T-Nation or Bodybuilding.com, diet is not the most important factor in building muscle, gaining strength, and getting lean. You want to and eat as cleanly as you can, when you can. that just because some marketing asshole says it’s good for you, doesn’t mean it is. Thus, skip the Balance Bar and eat just about anything else. I’d generally recommend beef jerky and some nuts, if you’re in a pinch, but if the choice is a hamburger or not eating for 6 hours, EAT THE FUCKING HAMBURGER. It’s far easier to burn off a couple of calories than it is to You’re not the fucking Buddha, and this isn’t a fucking sit-in, so cast aside any notions you might have about asceticism in the face of shitty food and make sure you get 40-70g of protein every couple of hours. Chicken is not the only fucking protein source out there. Pavel and I don’t agree on much, but we agree on this. I read a hilarious anecdote about him eating with a guy a few years ago, and the guy Page 231


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ordered chicken tacos, and Pavel got pissed. He glared at the guy and said “Eating chicken makes you weak.” Then he went on to tell the guy that whole eggs are good for two reasons- they’re excellent for helping you build muscle and strength and they keep chickens from being born. Try eating beef- it’s more nutrient dense, it tastes better, and it’s what Milo of Croton would have recommended. Whey is a waste product of the dairy industry, and they’ve marketed the fuck out of it. It’s not magical, and it’s not the best protein source on Earth. It’s not even fucking close. From every bit rior choice on paper. The problem arises, however, that many protein manufacturers fail to meet their label claims, and it seems blended proteins are worse than others in this regard. As such, use proteins that meet your macros (at least insofar as you can tell) and avoid anything that’s overhyped.

Fuck the USDA- Introducing the Chaos and Pain Nutritional Pyramid- Part 1 I realize that I’ve addressed this issue before, but given the absolute spate of questions regarding my supplementation and diet (and concurrent dearth of training methodology questions), I shall address this issue once more. Furthermore, I’ll cover a few popular supplements and my opinion thereof. The Base Meat. Meat is good. Vegetarians might disagree, but this is because they’re scared, weak people you people aren’t actually retarded, and that you realize that meat is highly anabolic. I’m not just talking about chicken, either, since chicken breast contains very little fat, is bland, dry, and generally boring. But, fat is bad, right? Wrong, fuckface. Dietary fat in the form of saturated or monounsaturated fat positively correlates with high testosterone levels, because cholesterol is the precursor to testosterone. Nearly every different kind of meat on the planet is useful, in some form. The only type of meat I’d recommend you to avoid is bear meat, which is renowned for containing trichinellosis. Unless you like your meat VERY well done, which is how you apparently need to cook that shit to avoid dropping dead of a parasite infestation, avoid bear meat. I’m personally not a fan of sea food, but and it’s a nice change of pace from wings and ground beef, if you can stomach it. Ray Audette recommends eating game meat like buffalo, longhorn (where the fuck would you get longhorn outside of Texas?), and emu as alternatives to traditional beef due to its high Omega 3 content, if you’re The meat section in the CnP food pyramid also is the repository for nuts and seeds, since those are also chock full of protein and healthy fats, and are fucking manly to eat. The paleo guy in me says to avoid cashews, as they’re a member of the poison ivy family and are thus highly allergenic if eaten raw, and may cause an allergic reaction even if cooked. Plus, they’re cheap bullshit that gets in Page 232


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the way of good nuts like almonds and walnuts, which are two of the healthiest nuts. Seeds are also trogen is the root of all evil (Phytoestrogens). I don’t include beans in this section because they’re doesn’t love peanuts?), but I’d avoid lima beans (they contain cyanide) and soy beans (they contain soy). Protein Supplements. Though meat should be the base of your pyramid, I’m sure few of us have the time to prepare pounds and pounds of meat every day (though I intend to one day be wealthy enough to have a Korean man follow me around with a hibachi all day cooking bulgogi). As such, protein supplements are immensely important in the pursuit of athletic excellence, and I suggest you use a blended protein to make up the difference between your meat intake and your daily goal. Blended proteins are nice because they come from a wide variety of sources, so they’re a more complete source of aminos, and they give you a steady release of protein over time, reducing the chance that you’ll become catabolic, and ensuring that you’ll be more satiated for a longer period of time. protein, in addition to the fact that it’s high in L-Glutathione, which plays an important role in neuimmediately after I drink it. For this reason, I’m not a huge fan. As for whey as a totally necessary component of post workout nutrition, I believe the strength training community has been snowed by the supplement industry. Whey is a waste product of the dairy industry- it’s thrown away as a byproduct of the cheese production process if it’s not purchased by the supplement industry. They’ve found a way to make money off something the dairy industry is really only too happy to give away, and they’re making a mint. Whey concentrate and whey isolate have equal absorption rates- the only difference between the two is that concentrate has a lower total amount of protein per serving, because it’s not as pure as isolate. thus, unless you’re lactose intolerant, concentrate is a far better value because it’s much cheaper per serving, by and large. In of PWO, WHEN you take protein after a workout is far more important than WHAT you consume. In the 45 minutes after a workout, muscle is tremendously sensitive to insulin, which drives the rebuilding of muscle due to low insulin resistance. Thus, it’s better to have an inferior protein within 45 minutes of your workout than to wait 2 hours to have whey isolate when the time immediately after your lift and the time when you chug a shake after hollering at the slut on the treill in the short shorts and driving home (Ivy 10). AVOID SOY PROTEIN effect on the body (they mimic the actions of estrogen, which means they could potentially inhibit Page 233


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is always recommended to menopausal women to alleviate the effects of menopause. This would tend to indicate, anecdotally, that soy is highly estrogenic, as it’s recommended to women as an alternative to estrogen supplementation (Ivy 128). So, how much protein should you be eating? I shoot for a bare minimum of 2g per lb of bodyweight. That sounds excessive? Well, nothing exceeds like excess, and I’m not in the business of coming up short on anything (other than my height, haha. Fuck you, I like being a midget). Frankly, I’d much rather err on the side of too much protein than too little, for a variety of reasons. •First, there might be a correlation between high protein consumption and high testosterone, as low protein diets show increased levels of sex-hormone-binding-globulin, a chemical that attaches to testosterone and keeps it from becoming bioavailable (Schuler 70-71). This idea is not a new one, either- early vegetarian diet advocates like Sylvester Graham and John Kellogg advocated their diets as a way to suppress sexual urges and masturbation. •Next, lean protein has twice the thermic effect of fats or carbs. Thus, the more you consume, the faster your metabolism, because you’re burning twice the amount of calories you would with other foods simply digesting the protein (Cordain 17). • -

protein (Cordain 18, Eades 138).

I don’t mince words... I just mince people. I like my women like I like my coffee- ground up and in the freezer.

FUCK THE USDA, PART ZWEI In our last installment of this exciting feature, I covered the foundation of the C&P diet, meat, followed by the venerable and ubiquitous, irreplaceable protein supplements that are meat’s constant companion. I will now attempt to knock out the rest of the pyramid, time permitting. Vegetables: Eat them. I don’t fucking care if you don’t like them- that’s completely immaterial. The Brassica veggies, due to the fact that they’re anti-estrogenic (the chemicals produced when indole-3-carbinol protein-rich badasses of the veggie family. If there’s such a thing as a manly vegetable goup, that’s food in the eyes of Henry Bieler M.D., author of Food is Your Best Medicine. Other than that, you really can’t go wrong with vegetables, but the Brassica family, in all of it’s estrogen-battling glory, ly makes great strides in closing that gap, since half of the carbs in most of the of that Page 234


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You’ll note a corresponding lack of fruit in my diet. I’m not really anti-fruit. I love blueberries in particular, but I don’t eat much in the way of them. Nutritionally, berries are the best of the bunch, but they’re still high in sugar. I’ve recently been questioned about my “hatred for fruit”, and my insistence that fruit could potentially derail fat loss efforts have been met with incredulity, but there’s science backing this contention. “Research from the National Institute on Aging (NIA) in Baltimore, Maryland, shows fructose is more lipogenic (fat forming) than any other sugar or starch. It also causes greater elevations in blood fats (triglycerides and cholesterol) than other carbohydrates. Excess fructose consumption has resulted in increases in blood pressure, uric acid, and lactic acid. Research shows that those suffering from high blood pressure, high insulin, high triglycerides, non insulin-dependent diabetes, and postmenopausal women are more susceptible to the negative affects of fructose than other individuals. “ See, fuckers? In addition to berries, if you absolutely must eat fruit, make it non-tropical fruit like apples, unless it’s enzymatically rich fruit that accompanies a heavy protein meal, like papaya or pineapple. Stimulants and Testosterone Boosters: mance, mental focus, and energy levels. Additionally, they cause your body to release noradrenaline, which stimulates the receptors in your fat cells to metabolize all of that nasty fat that’s the result of late night beer and pizza smorgasbords(three hour cheat windows notwithstanding). The use of caffeine to improve sports performance may date as far back as the initial consumption of berries containing methylxanthines. Many studies have been conducted ing caffeine’s use in sport, and bodybuilding.com offered this little nugget, as I am nowhere near my notecards containing my research and want to knock this article the fuck out today: A recent review published by the International Coffee Organization states that caffeine at levels found in one cup of coffee which is usually around 150 grams of caffeine may be able to both reduce the sensation of fatigue as well as enhance exercise performance. The most recent review (Doherty and Smith 2004) looked at 39 published studies. Of these, involved endurance exercise, some used short duration and high-intensity exercise and the other remaining used a graded exercise test. Including all the data, caffeine improved performance by 12.4%, relative to the placebo trials. This was shown to greatest effect in those who undertook exercise for a longer duration at any one time. Caffeine and other stimulants have also been used for centuries to improve mental acuity. Though new phenomenon, it is in fact as old as the hills. In fact, caffeine’s been used since the Stone Age, and a 1916 lawsuit, The United States v. Forty Barrels and Twenty Kegs of Coca-Cola claimed that the excessive caffeine in Coke at a college for chicks turned them into “wild nocturnal freaks, [and Page 235


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led to] violations of college rules and female proprieties, and even immoralities.” Yes, caffeine is the tits. Studies have shown that in vitro application of caffeine to rat neurons led to 33% growth in their dendratic spines and the formation of new spines as well, though this growth only lasted anterior cingulate cortex, which improves both short term memory and attention span. Thus, you should include caffeine, at the very least, in your daily supplement regime. Added to ephedrine, aspirin, and yohimbe, as I detailed here, it’s a fat-annihilating vortex of thermogenic awesomeness that makes Lipo-6 look like a jelly donut from Krispy Kreme by comparison. Test Boosters: If there’s one thing that the world needs more of at this point, it’s testosterone. Well, testosterone and dogs. There could stand to be more dogs as well, since dogs fucking rule as much or more than testosterone. In any event, with the cornucopia of phyto- and xenoestrogens to which we’re constantly exposed, the world is seeing a spate of slutty little girls with tits, fat men with tits, small cocks, and generally a display of pussiness never before withnessed in the world outside of a eunuch convention. Actually, fuck that- I can think of one or two historical eunuchs (Gang Bing and Narses imediately spring to mind) who were more of a man than metrosexual fucktards like our favorite plagiarizer, Nate Green. In any event, test boosters of one form or another are a good idea- they’ll help you drop fat, gain muscle, and fuck like a porn star. There are essentially three ways to go about this, which I’ve detailed at length in past blogs, here and here. You can boost test with LH-enhancing shit like tribulus terrestris and longjack, or replace it with prohormones/designer steroids/steroids. It’s up to you which one you do, just make sure you do one or the other, and follow my suggestions for using environmental triggers to jack up your T as well. If you’re going to go the prohormone/designer steroid route, I highly recommend prohormones containing the following: •M1 4ADD. 25% of this compound converts to Dianabol in your stomach • •DMZ. DMZ is essentially two Superdrol molecules jammed together. Unfortunately, this does not mean it’s twice as powerful as Superdrol, but you’ll slap on some weight with it.

You can get all or some of those at Nutrition Warehouse in Columbia, SC, or online here. If you happen to go in there, pick Spud’s brain about training and diet- he’s the fucking man when it comes to powerlifting (WPO world record holder in the squat) and bodybuilding. Multivitamin: In my opinion, there’s one multi on the planet you should take: Animal Pak. It megadoses the shit out of everything you need, throws in a bunch of shit that’s of dubious utility but couldn’t hurt, and has helped me keep my antioxident levels in the “Holy Fuck, you just broke my antioxidant reader” range during extended periods of ketosis. it is, in short, the bomb. If you’re not feeling the price, get a cheaper multi that still megadoses your antioxidants, like the Vitamin Shoppe brand or GNC’s Mega Man. The key to discerning whether or not it’s a good vitamin is whether or not it smells badly enough to take paint off the walls. If it does, it’s good stuff. If not, it’s too tightly Page 236


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compressed to be digestible. You can also test them by dropping a tab or two into some Apple Cider Vinegar, which bears the same pH level as your stomach. Some people might contend that the multi is unnecessary. Sure it is, if you’ve got the tightest, most complete diet of all time. The builders at Baalbek would have contended that one needn’t use mortar to create lasting stone architecture as well. Well, my diet’s macros are tight, but my micros are lacking, and the multi is the mortar that holds the who fucking thing altogether. I’m betting you’re more like me than Paul Chek, so just buy some Animal Pak, then have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up.

CHEAT MEALS: I believe that scheduled cheat windows are absolutely necessary for the maximization of one’s metfailure and place one’s self in jeopardy of going completely insane. I realize that there are a few vocal advocates of 100% clean eating out there, like Pauline Nordin, but frankly, I could give a shitI’m not a competitive bodybuilder, and I can maintain mid-single digits bodyfat with no problem and no cardio utilizing scheduled cheat windows. First, a bit of semantics. I initially believed that the precepts I held regarding cheat meals were at odds with those of John Berardi, whose opinion on all things diet I value highly. Not so, it seemswe merely disagreed semantically. Rather than rewrite his description of cheat meals, refeeds, and planned overfeeding (as some of my fellow bloggers have done, without giving credit where it’s

sidered “clean”) and/or over consumes these foods. Cheat meals are usually the consequence of getting hungry and not having good food options available. An example of a cheat meal is being on the road and not having a chicken breast and vegetable dinner available so you stop at a restaurant and eat a burger, fries, and a milkshake. • cur when eating maintenance intake or above since this meal will probably bump your calories up above the maintenance or habitual level of intake. Planned overfeedings can be carried out with excess amounts of “clean” foods or with other foods not considered bodybuilding friendly and are usually in place to allow time to eat “fun” foods so that athletes don’t feel so deprived as well as to help with recovery. An example of a planned overfeeding is ordering 4 large pizzas for yourself and 3 friends every other Sunday afternoon when in the midst of a serious strength and power phase. •

•

in carbohydrates. Refeeds usually occur when dieting and are planned in order to provide a brief day of psychologa strict diet of 1500kcal 5 days per week and consuming 2500kcal of clean bodybuilding foods (the additional kcal coming mostly from carbohydrates) on the other 2 days.

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nearly impossible to make if you’ve got a scintilla of willpower. If you don’t, stop reading this blog thing, anything, to happen in World of Warcraft. Fuck my life, that game is beyond boring. In which I am referring. The key, then, is that these are scheduled, timed affairs. They should last only 3 hours at a time, in my opinion, and they should occur one to two times per week. I plan these out in my head prior to engaging in them, purchase whatever I need for them just before doing so, eat my fucking face off, and toss anything that’s still extant at the 3 hour mark. No starving kids in Africa is gois a pile of bullshit, and it will only serve to fuck your dieting goals by tempting you while you’re playing Call of Duty or when you come home hammered and starving at 4AM. Don’t stock up on In re the duration and frequency of your cheat windows, there are basically three schools of thought on this: •don’t do it at all (Chris Aceto, Pauline Nordine, and various other psychotics) •do it twice a week at regular intervals for 3-4 hours (Lyle McDonald, Warren Willey) •do it once a week for the entire day (same guys).

that cheat meals are essential- at least one study has shown that short breaks from high fat diets will not have an adverse effect on lipolytic activity, and lipolytic activity in people who take high carb breaks from high fat diets are actually higher than those who are on a high carbohydrate diet (Saitoh). As I advocate low carb diets, this is rather important. It becomes moreso when you consider one of Dave Palumbo’s comments in re cheat windows, wherein he stated that if “you use a keto-diet, you’ll need to have a cheat meal (to spike insulin) at least once per week to keep the thyroid functioning normally.” Also, as I stated in my previous blog on bulking, cheat windows speed the metabolism (Matsumoto), replenish your glycogen stores, (Bowden) and increase your thyroid, adrenal, and sex hormones (Poehlman), in addition to providing an awesome forced break from clean eating (Westrate). Given that you’re reading this blog, I think it’s no mystery that I’m hyper-intense, slightly insane, and not terribly amenable to long-distance, low intensity events, which is what a cheat day would be. For those, most authors recommend that you keep your cheating fairly reasonable, or you run the risk of undoing a lot of the metabolic goodness you’ve created with your 6 days of dieting. They also recommend those days for occasions wherein dieting simply isn’t feasible, like taking a trip to an amusement park, or some other day-long event at which it’d be a pain in the ass for you, and a major inconvenience and annoyance to those around you (mostly the latter, because no one gives a fuck if you have veins on your abs but you). Page 238


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In re the shorter, more intense cheats- that’s not to state that it’s a foregone conclusion that they’re better, but the science (cited above) seems to point in the direction of shorter, more intense cheats in order to obtain the more extreme metabolic enhancements. Luckily, that’s my cup ‘o fucking teabrief, vulgar, and going for the jugular. Thus, in my 3 hours cheat windows (which should always come on non-consecutive days, or you’ll again run the risk of obviating the point of the exercise), I eat as many calories as I can possibly while eating), and more energetic, and feel like a giant killer robot with a 50 foot boner who shits hundred dollar bills- that’s how I know that I’m getting the proper metabolic response. What do I eat to achieve this sensation? This sort of shit: Example 1: 1 Small Pepperoni and Sausage Pizza 10 piece Chicken Nuggets Small, heavily buttered movie popcorn Example 2: 12 KFC Hot Wings Most of a Digiorno 3 Meat Pizza Example 3: Medium Papa John’s Spicy Italian Pizza Cinnastix Cheese Breadsticks Example 4: 20 Breaded Spicy Garlic Hooter’s wings Large DQ Blizzard with Heath Bars and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups As you can see, there’s a pattern- I literally eat for three straight hours, I ensure I start with protein, and I eat whatever I want after the protein. If I’m not eating, I feel like I’m missing out. Thus, I usually pick foods on which I can graze. There’s no metabolic reasoning for this- it’s just what I like to do. For those of you who are about to throw Lyle McDonald in my face, relax, I’ve read the same shit. as an excuse to eat yourself sick or eat three times what you’d normally eat” (McDonald 34). I’ll tell you this from experience- the farther you get in a given diet, the less you can consume in three hours- it’s a matter of pure biology. Thus, at the beginning of your diet, you’ll be able to eat more during your cheats, which will likely slow your progress. It will, however, completely obliterate any reason you’d have to abandon the fucking thing. As you get further along in your diet, and you Page 239


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ing to naturally restrict yourself on your cheats, or cut yourself down to one balls-out cheat a week and one minor one. If that doesn’t happen naturally for you, take McDonald’s advice. I, however, purposes: physical, because I get the metabolic advantages listed above, psychological, because I get all the foods I might want on a regular day at once, and emotional, because I feel satiated and is not responding thusly, start putting the brakes on manually- treat it like you’re a blind man at an orgy... you’re gonna have to feel this one out. Timing: I usually choose to have my cheat meals at night. From a insulin standpoint this is probably not ideal, but from a lifestyle standpoint, I don’t care. There’s not enough of a difference in hormone awesome to go to bed full to bursting and have the night to digest and bomb out my place in peace, rather than force myself to eat a meal when it’s inconvenient. Some nutritionists believe that pre-workout is the best time for a scheduled cheat window. Anytime ter, and I spend the majority of the time trying not to throw up or shit my pants, or both. As such,

of disruption from physical activity. Additionally, it’s on this day that I’ll occasionally take the opportunity to drink absurd amounts of Jager or some other liquor, and I’m of the opinion that the cheat meal both mitigates the possibility of hangover and facilitates the assimilation of far more alcohol without negative effect, in addition to dropping the glycemic index of sweeter liquors (like Jager). I realize that some of you may be screaming “but it lowers your test levels! SCREEEEEE!” Relax. According to a study published in 2003, “Heavy acute alcohol drinking decreases blood testosterone in men due to an effect on the testicular level”, which means that if you drink your fucking face off, your test levels will rise accordingly (Sarkola). A far more in depth explanation was provided by Patrick Arnold in Muscular Development, in which he stated that alcohol consumption gives a short-term testosterone boost due to the manner in which ethanol is processed by the body (Arnold). Two supplements that will increase the effectiveness of your cheat meal are: •ECA stack- It increases your thermogenesis anyway, but “ephedrine alone can increase the thermic effect

of a meal by 30%”(Berardi). As such, make sure you whack that back prior to the initiation of your feeding frenzy to ensure that you’re getting the optimal metabolic response to your overfeeding. •Digestive enzymes- Before, during, and after. Trust me, they’ll help. If you’ve been eating clean, your body’s going to have something to say about what you’re eating, and it’s going to let everyone in the room know what it thinks about it. This should prevent any non-alcohol-related pants-shitting, and keep you from smelling like you’ve shit them. Lastly, it’ll increase the absorption of the nutrients you’d so rudely and crudely stuffed down your Page 240


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ravenous gullet, increasing the positive effects of that meal and hopefully negating any of the negative ones.

One last word on this, which I also mentioned in my last bulking blog- don’t include these feeding frenzies if you’re not already lean. If you’re a fatass, you don’t deserve them from a mental standpoint and cannot really utilize them from a metabolic one. As such, you’d be wise to steer clear until you can see some abs. For guys, this means under 15%, tops. For girls, that means... whatever the female equivalent of 15% is. We’ll call it 25-27%. If you can see abs, have at it- otherwise, wait have a hell of a time leaning out using these if I’m not on an ultra-low carb diet for at least three days out of the week and I’m eating massive amounts of both carbs and fat during the cheat windows. Make a note of what works and what doesn’t, and actually utilize that information.

IF YOU’RE NOT CHEATING, YOU’RE NOT TRYING 2: of this series. To recap: •they should be done either once or twice a week at regular intervals for 3-4 hours or once a week for the entire day. •they’re essential- at least one study has shown that short breaks from high fat diets will not have an adverse effect on lipolytic activity, and lipolytic activity in people who take high carb breaks from high fat diets are actually higher than those who are on a high carbohydrate diet. •according to Dave Palumbo, if “you use a keto-diet, you’ll need to have a cheat meal (to spike insulin) at least once per week to keep the thyroid functioning normally.” Also, as I stated in my previous blog on bulking, cheat windows speed the metabolism (Matsumoto), replenish your glycogen stores, (Bowden) and increase your thyroid, adrenal, and sex hormones (Poehlman), in addition to providing an awesome forced break from clean eating (Westrate).

In that blog, I went into great detail as to why you should cheat, but only a bit into how to do so. As such, it stands that a treatment on exactly how one should structure their diet before, during, and after their cheat to maximize their results. The Overall Diet Structure That’s not to state that the general structure of your diet, unless it’s an unabashed shit-show, is the end-all be all of the utility of cheat windows, but the manner in which your cheat meal will ultimately effect you changes with your overall diet. Any dieter who’s gotten into the game in the last ten years likely follows a low carb diet of one sort or another. For the purposes of simplicity, I’ll separate them into the keto diet (low/no carb, high fat, high protein) and the paleo diet (low carb, low/low-moderate carbs, high protein, low/moderate fats). Though both of these diets can be altered further by modulating the number of calories eaten, I’ll generalize and state that, by and large, people on a keto diet eat more calories than people on the paleo diet. It’s here that the primary difference lies, and the root of what I consider to be the key difference in the manner in which the cheat meal will affect you. In paleo dieters, due to the lower calories, they’ll see a much greater overall effect on thermogenesis and the endocrine system. For keto dieters, however, the effect will lie in the other positive responses paleo dieters also Page 241


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will enjoy- greater thyroid response, insulin spikes, and replenishment of glycogen stores. Because they’re far more likely to be in a caloric surplus than the paleo dieters, keto dieters’ thermogenic response won’t be as great. For this reason, it’s also far more advisable and necessary for paleo dieters to utilize two cheat windows a week than it is for keto dieters. Warren Willey has a great analogy for a method by which dieters should view carbohydrate consumption. In it, he has his readers envision an empty cup in front of them, which represents their body’s ability to handle active carbohydrates. “When that cup is half full, your body will utilize the energy from the carbohydrates and the energy from fat. As the cup approaches fullness, however, the body is more inclined to use the energy from the carbohydrates, and leave the fat alone (survivalist response). When you eat too many active carbohydrates, or you eat too many at the wrong time of the day, “your cup runneth over” and that excess is stored as fat! At the opposite extreme, when that cup is empty, your body has little energy to perform activities of daily living and exercise.” Thus, Willey recommends periods of low or no free carbs prior to a scheduled cheat window in Ori Hofmekler’s Warrior Diet theory of over- and undereating seems to coincide in many regards with Willey’s theory, and falls in line with my anecdotal evidence. It seems that in all three cases, an undereating phase, followed by an overeating phase, creates a highly anabolic environment. Ori’s cycle is on a much smaller scale, as he recommends a daily period of undereating that is nearly a fast, followed by a large nighttime meal. Expanding his timeline, one sees that eating a paleo or paleo-esque, lower calorie, low carb-high protein diet, followed by a large cheat meal, can elicit a similar effect. That effect is, in Ori’s words, that “nutrients are assimilated at a greater rate, there is an acceleration of the anabolic process of repairing tissues and building muscles” and all of the other shit I mentioned above. It is more necessary and effective to use cheat windows in concert with paleo dieting windows are useful no matter which of the two you choose. Frankly, I’ve got doubts if a cheat does any fucking thing at all when utilizing an isocaloric diet, it might give you a slight metabolic boost if your calories are on the low side. I’ll leave that to the more adventurous/dietarily lazy among you to decide, however. The Meal Itself Interestingly, Hofmekler and Willey agree in many regards in their suggestions for the structure of cheat meals, in spite of the fact that their overall recommendations for dieting differ wildly. The cheat meal,according to both authors, should have its foods ordered so that you eat your bland and ended with carbohydrates. Willey doesn’t actually give any reasoning in the works I’ve read, but Hofmekler’s will serve- he thinks that the human body doesn’t tolerate eating foods that are “aggressive” in taste before bland foods, and that conditioning yourself to eat blander foods will Page 242


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reduce your cravings for fast food. Beginning, then, with veggies will prep your stomach to accept Thereafter, you should eat your proteins and carbs, and both authors recommend that you include diet the better off you’ll be” (WD 57 and BTS 61). Finally, both authors recommend that you stop eating when you’re more thirsty than hungry, as this is a good indicator that you’ve eaten enough. While these suggestions are great guidelines, they’re nonsense if you’re out with friends, hungry, probably going to do a bit of drinking, and you’re out to enjoy yourself. What fucking pub serves vegetables? None at which I’d ever drink, that’s for fucking sure. As such, I personally do the following- start with protein, make sure that I’m consistently eating protein throughout the meal, eat a couple of different things, and stop at exactly three hours. I’ll take digestive enzymes in addition to tion of the food generally goes off with little to no kickback from my intestines as a result. Protein is my primary concern at all times, even during a cheat meal, and all else follows thereafter. Once I’ve kicked off my meal with at least 40 grams of protein, I’ll follow it up with a festival of carbofor most Americans. I’ve listed a bunch cheat meals in my other blogs on the subject, but my recent favorites are generally something akin to Church’s Chicken (a couple of spicy wings will do, as their wings have 1/4 to 1/2 a breast attached to each) followed by half a meat-lover’s pizza and then popcorn with butter at the movies. In keeping with Willey’s recommendations in Better Than Steroids, I make sure I eat at least some spicy food, as capsaicin helps increase metabolism(BTS 61). Beyond that, I just eat my fucking face off and try to get as much protein as I can while I do it. A bit of quick calculating tells me that with my average weekend cheat, I kick it off with 81g of protein (900 cals total) and total of 141g of protein and 2889 calories. You’ll notice that I eat my carbs last, which I do religiously. For me, it serves a valuable purpose outside of the nutritive quality- I make sure I eat my protein while I still have room to do so. If it also serve to lower the glycemic load on your system, which is especially valuable if you’re eating something sweet. Finally, this will help keep your carbs to a manageable level, so that your proverbial cup won’t “runneth over” as the result of a single cheat. If I have a second cheat during the week, it’s usually something far more tame, like having high protein pasta with extra-lean ground beef in marinara, and maybe some low-fat cinnamon buns for dessert. The second cheat meal occurs generally only if I’m doing a paleo or lower calorie keto diet, or if I simply happen to be starving no matter what I eat during the day on Tuesday or Wednesday. , a cardinal rule of cheat windows is to have them on non-consecutive days. Page 243


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One interesting and compelling argument that inadvertently s my food choices in cheat meals comes from the Warrior Diet. I just stumbled across it while researching for this blog, and I thought I’d it along, as it’s metal as fuck. bite of its prey always tastes warm (since this is a fresh kill). Scavengers, on the other hand, who eat leftover corpses, enjoy the cold taste of the animal that was killed by a predator beforehand. It’s my belief that when you eat and enjoy warm food, it triggers the Predator Instinct, and those people who settle with cold leftovers may trigger the Scavenger Instinct”(WD 65). Finishing Out The Day Ori recommends drinking water and “any tea that stimulates digestion” like “peppermint, ginger, green and chamomile”, which is great advice, I suppose, but it’s not really my primary concern. If you follow my advice, you shouldn’t have any problem with digestion. If you’re a Brit, or a member of some other wacky tea-drinking culture, by all means have at it. Otherwise, just make sure every three hours. This means you’re likely having a shake three hours after the conclusion of your cheat meal. That’ll keep your metabolism rolling and prevent you from consuming a second meal, and a middle of the night protein shake will serve you well in preventing your cheat from becoming a 24 hour affair. So, the moral of this story is that if you’re not cheating, you’re not trying motherfuckers.

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GLYCOGEN SUPERCOMPENSATION & WEIGHT MANIPULATION This is my method for making weight with diet and manipulating my weight after weigh-in to crush shit and ruin lives on the platform. If you want my cutting methodology for shedding water specifically, see Issuance of Insanity 1 and 2, and/or . The method I utilize is actually a trick utilized by bodybuilders to show up onstage as lean and dry as possible, while maintaining maximum fullness. They’ve got slightly different water manipulation methods, so if you’re interested in utilizing this for bodybuilding, you’ll have to alter your rehydration. Glycogen Supercompensation begins with a 5 day keto run, during which time you should not have more than 30g of carbs a day. A normal person would lose a considerable amount of water weight during such a time, but I am once more an outlier and do not. Apparently, I exist in a near-constant state of glycogen depletion, so I only lose about 5 lbs in a week. I end up ripped to pieces though. Two weeks out from a bodybuilding competition type ripped. “But Jamie, I have been living under a rock and have no idea what glycogen supercompen-

out, but I read about it in two separate places simultaneously- Better Than Steroids, by Dr. Warren Willey (which I HIGHLY recommend), and an article written (I think) by Christian Thibedeaux on T-Nation (the two methods are vastly, vastly different, which I just discovered by reading an article on it. In any event, one spends between 5 and 14 days on a keto run (that is, running a constant macronutrient ratio of about 50-70% Fat, 25-45% Protein, and 5% Carbs). The last day of the keto run I only consume whey protein shakes, usually Isopure or Cytosport, to keep my carbs near or at zero, limit my salt as much as possible, and ensure I have nothing in my intestines (shed every ounce of weight). At 5 PM the night before weighin, I stop eating and drinking completely, and start my supercompensation literally the SECOND I step off the scale. So, at the end of the week, you have a 24-48 hr supercompensation period. Wiley explains the metabolic pathways in great detail, but in my carb-depleted state, I forgot the fucking book, so I will relate the formulae to you from memory (but here’s an article giving you a bit more background). I’m that good. He recommends a 36 hr supercompensation period, but I have never competed in a meet with anything more than a 24 hour weighin, so for the purposes of this book we’ll just go with a 24 hour supercompensation. Back to supercompensation. It breaks down into two parts. PART ONE- LIQUID CARBS (0-12 HRS) Lean bodyweight in kilos x 12 / 6 meals x 12 grams of carbs. That’ll tell you how many grams of carbs per feeding. Thus, my feedings at my next meet will be roughly: Page 245


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So, I then multiply my lbm in kg by 12 grams of CHO, and get a total of 938.18, and divide that by 6 meals, which gives me 156g of carbs every two hours. For these, he recommends taking them in the most bio-available method possible- liquid. I, then, combine glycerine, salt, and creatine into Gatorades and chug every two hours. It ends up being a more or less continuous feeding, and I premake my drinks the night before to have them ready. Per 12 oz Gatorade I add 5g of creatine, a tablespoon of glycerine per 12 oz, and a teaspoon of salt. PART TWO- SOLID CARBS (12-24HRS) Same deal but half of the carbs, and they are high-glycemic solid carbs (I generally go with cereal). As a practical rule, I don’t follow this tremendously strictly. I make sure I drink my Gatorades to rehydrate completely, but I pretty much spend the day facing as many hamburgers and fries and as much pizza as my stomach can handle. I always make sure to have a high-calorie breakfast the day of the meet, loaded with salt, and keep drinking the Powerade Zero loaded with my cocktail and eating Captain Crunch- I literally bring both with me wherever I go. Additionally, I always go to the movies the night before a meet and eat a large buttered popcorn as I chill, in an effort to jam more salt and carb into me while I relax in a really cold room (as you’ll be sweating like a rapist from your metabolism revving up to utilize the fuel you’re giving it. The idea, here, is that the more salt and water your cells are holding, the greater your power output is going to be. If you see a guy who’s not eating at a meet, you can rest assured he’s having a terrible fucking day- you must keep your body fueled to ensure success, and the idea is to be as heavy as possible on the platform. Obviously, you don’t want to eat yourself sick, and I high recommend taking as much charcoal and digestive enzymes as possible during your reefed, as your intestines will rebel after your low carb and dehydration period. You will, however, feel fucking phenomenal while you’re lifting. I guarantee it.

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a twenty-foot radius of our table we are going to set the maitre d’ on NOT SAYING YOU SHOULD BECOME AN ALCOHOLIC,

BUT…

Alcohol consumption has, at least in the United States, been a contentious issue. At the risk of beating the balls off a long dead horse, I will again ascribe responsibility for this issue to Christians, as they are solely responsible for the development of a teetotal movement in the United States that’s never really existed anywhere else (save for India, which shares a hatred of awesome with Christian fundamentalists). The humorous aspect of that is, to me, that Jesus liked to party, so I’m not really clear on where Christians developed the idea that Jesus was straightedge. Irrespective of how or why the Prohibitionists in the US developed that notion, however, they disregarded both the words of their own holy book, evidence from thousands of years of human history, and the fact that primates have apparently consumed alcohol for the duration of our family’s existence to arrive at the conclusion that alcohol is “the debbil”. Even tree shrews, which have a higher brain mass to body mass ratio than humans, drink their fucking faces off all the live long day in the wild. Though not precisely primates, they’re prosimians, and are often used as an alternative to primates for extinct mammals representing the stock from which all extinct and living treeshrews and primates radiated. Therefore, we hypothesize that moderate to high alcohol intake was present early on in the evolution of these closely related lineages” (Wiens). In fact, scientists believe humanity’s love for boozing is actually an “evolutionary hangover” from our fruit-eating primate ancestors,many of whom seem to have had a tasted for fermented fruit. That’s right- for those of you out there for at least the last 9,000 years, humans have certainly adapted to alcohol consumption well enough to obviate the arguments of teetotalers who contend that alcohol impairs athletic performance, esfor consuming prodigious amounts of alcohol on a regular basis. For instance, Tacitus has this to their imperial aims- the Germanic tribes: “To an entire day and night in drinking disgraces no one. Their quarrels, as might be expected with intoxicated people, are seldom fought out with mere abuse, but commonly with wounds and bloodshed. Yet it is at their feasts that they generally consult on the reconeven on peace and war, for they think that at no time is the mind more open to simplicity of purpose or more warmed to noble aspirations” (Viking Answer Lady). Contrary to what one would think after perusing any discussion about drinking and hypertrophy Page 247


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on an American internet message board, the Germans were hardly sickly fuckers- in fact, they were renown in the ancient world for being the biggest, strongest, scariest motherfuckers on Earth. Ac(Medieval Sourcebook). the same goes for the cultural successors to the Germanic tribes, the Vikings, who drank beer, ale and mead with alcohol concentrations of 9-10% and 8-18%, respectively very regularly, and had at least three instances of multi-day binge drinking per year associated with festivals. Likewise, the Scythians were well known for their use of cannabis and alcohol, the Mongols drank (and still drink) kumis as a nearly exclusive source of hydration, the Chinese have been drinking alcohol since 7000 BC and have dominated East Asia for the duration, Indian warriors began consuming an alcoholic beverage known as sura 5,000 years ago and have dominated South Asia the entire time, and Maya and Incan warriors consumed vast quantities of alcohol during the span of their empires’ reigns over Mesoamerica. Straight up and on the rocks My liver’s hella shot Fuck all the bros and jocks Tonight I’m rollin’ with the cops This ain’t no A and E Won’t see me on intervention Straight A student, honor rollin’, Sneaking vodka in detention That’s all well and good, you might be saying, but those motherfuckers are dead, probably of liver failure, and according to Bodybuilding.com’s genius posters, catabolism and low testosterone levels (bet those fuckers fucked chicks and jerked off too! Suckers! Killed their gainz and their empires simultanously.) Let us, then, examine some more modern examples of epic lifters who were also epic drinkers: •Arthur Saxon. Though he lifted for two to three hours in the morning and often performed twice a night, this legendary lifter drank his fucking face off daily. Claiming to have been “weaned on beer”, Saxon drank a “health drink consisting of a stout beer and a shot of gin with eggs and sugar added, and once drank 50 beers prior to a performance in Britain and still failed to miss a lift (Inch). •Vasily Alekseyev. “When they were in the training hall sizing each other up Vasily was always gone only to return after hours. The other competitors slept in their beds like giant babes while “Uncle Vasily” ran up and down ing giant’s rooms” (Sorin). •David Rigert. Like Alekseyev, Rigert was a Russian Olympic weightlifting phenomenon who was legendary for his vodka consumption and chain smoking habits. •Bulgarian Olympic weightlifters. Anyone who has ever trained with these guys comes back with a six week hangover, as the Bulgarians apparently think water and vodka are interchangeable for hydration. •Hermann Goerner and the early 20th Century Germans. “Many German gyms were not only places where you went to improve strength, health and muscularity. They were also social centers, places where friends met, where you took your wife or girlfriend. They were, at the turn of the century and well into the 1920’s attached to a beer garden or close to one.... Around the four walls of the gym were benches, and above them the shelves where you kept your personal beer stein” (Smith). Page 248


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•Norbert Schemansky. The angriest man ever to compete and win at anything at all, Mike Tyson included, credited his success with a diet consisting of “hamburgers, pizza, beer” and once stated that he drank so much Budweiser would be his sole sponsor if he was lifting today (Green).

When asked why he drank so much beer, Schemansky had this to say, “Because fuck you, I could go on at some length, because I’ve frankly never met an elite lifter who didn’t like to drink. There’s actually a reason for this- elite competitors are much more inclined to indulge in risk-taking behaviors than the average person (Jacobs). Additionally, exercise and drinking are very positively correlated. The more you drink, the more you exercise, and vice-versa. Though scientists have no idea why this is, they do know that exercise mitigates the damage done to the brain in binge drinking, and that “’drinking is associated with a 10.1 percentage point increase in the probability of exercisminutes per week than current moderate drinkers and about 20 more minutes per week than current abstainers.’ Meanwhile, the authors continue, ‘an extra episode of binge drinking increases the number of minutes of total and vigorous physical activity per week for both women and men’” (Reynolds). While that might seem counter-intuitive to most people, it falls in line with what statistics showthe countries with the highest per capita consumption of alcohol seem, almost invariably, to be the countries that produce the best lifters. Here are the top twenty six nations in the world for per capita alcohol consumption and some of their strength sport (I’ve included the Olympic sports in which strength plays a profound role) feats: 1. Moldova- 2 bronzes in weightlifting, 2 in boxing, 1 in wrestling, which isn’t bad for a country known solely for car theft and corruption. Additionally, it’s only been a country since 1994, and boasts a population of only 3.5M. In spite of those facts, the US was barely able to pick up as many medals in weightlifting in the same time frame.

2. Czech Republic- 1 silver in boxing. Only a country since 1993 and pop of 10M. As a part of Czechoslovakia, however, they pulled down 15 medals in wrestling, 8 in weightlifting, and 6 in boxing out of a country with a population of 13-15 million. 3. Hungary- 20 medals each in boxing and weightlifting, and 54 in weightlifting though they only have a population of 10M people. Clearly, drinking one’s face off and boasting the genetic line of Attila helps on the lifting platform. 4. Russia- 48 medals in wrestling, 26 in boxing, 26 in weightlifting as Russia (since 1992), and 116 in wrestling, 62 in weightlifting, and 51 in boxing as the Soviet Union. Additionally, Russians hold roughly half of the world records in powerlifting and are capable of more evil per pound of bodyweight than any other group of people in history, especially if homos are nearby. Vodka for the win. 5. Ukraine- 14 each in boxing and wrestling and 8 in weightlifting since 1992 and home of World’s Strongest Man winner Vasyl Virastuk. 6. Estonia- 11 wrestling, 7 weightlifting, and 1 boxing medal in the Olympics, though it’s only been a country since 1991 and has a population of 1.2M. 7. Andorra- Not even a country, really. Not sure how the hell it made this list, as I’ve taken shits larger and Page 249


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more interesting than Andorra. 8. Romania- 32 wrestling, 13 weightlifting, and 25 boxing medals, in spite of the fact they have about 11 dollars vampires. 9.

yard. Yugoslavia, however, which consisted of Slovenia, Macedonia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, and Croatia had 16 wrestling and 11 boxing medals in 70 years of competition out of a population of 23M.

10. Belarus- 10 weightlifting, 8 wrestling, and 2 boxing medals since 1992, plus they boast badass chick powerlifter Irena Pietrovich in one of the few countries still run by a psychotic despot. 11. Croatia- 2 boxing medals, one very fucking badass Mirko Crocop, and the aforementioned Great Antonio (in the last stew-roids blog). 12.

and 6 wrestling medals at the Olympics in under ten years.

13. South Korea- 20 boxing medals, 35 in wrestling, and 11 in weightlifting, all in spite of the fact that the coun14. Portugal- Portugal sucks at everything but drinking, apparently. When some of the people in that country used to actually have jobs, though, they did help “discover” the New World. 15. Ireland- 16 boxing medals in the Olympics, and birthplace of Glenn Ross, WSM competitor and powerlifter. 16. - 19 boxing, 17 wrestling, and 15 weightlifting medals, though they seem to have peaked quite early and have done virtually nothing of note in decades. 17. United Kingdom- Home of WSM winners Jamie Reeves, Geoff “I have very butthurt fans” Capes, and Gary Taylor. They’ve also boasted their fare share of good powerlifters, and 53 boxing, 17 wrestling, and 7 weightlifting medals in the Olympics. 18. Denmark- 12 boxing, 8 wrestling, and 3 weightlifting medals, plus the home and birthplace of one of the few people to fuck Grace Jones and live to tell the tale, Sven Ole Thorson.. 19. Slovakia- 3 boxing, 5 wrestling, and one weightlifting medal as an independent nation, but also contributed to the badassery displayed in the former Czechoslovakia. 20. Poland- Home of Marius Pudzianowki, Sebastian Wenta, and Krzysztof Radzikowski, in addition to 43 boxing, 25 wrestling, and 32 weightlifting medals, plus a partridge in a pear tree. 21. Austria- Two wrestling and 9 Olympic weightlifting medals to their credit, in addition to being the birthplace of Arnold Schwartzennegger, Roland Kickinger, and Manfred Hoerberl. 22. Luxembourg- Barely a country and boasts a population of ten rich people and their menservants, but they still have a silver in weightlifting and legendary strongman John Marx Grunn. 23. - 22 boxing, 24 wrestling, 20 weightlifting medals, and currently boasts badass Olympic lifters Matthias Steiner (the dude who dropped several hundred pounds on his head at the last Olympics) and weightlifting goddess Julia Rohde, who would have been worshipped as a diety in 1940s . 24. Finland- Birthplace of some of the most legendary deadlifters in history, WSM winners Janne Virtanen and Jouku Ahola, and WSM runners-up Riku Kiri, Marko Varalahti, and Ilkka Nummisto. 25. Latvia- Home of Konstantin Konstantinovs and WSM competitor Raimonds Bergmannis. ‘Nuff said. 26. Bulgaria- 18 boxing, 68 wrestling, and 36 weightlifting medals, in a country with three million fewer people in it than New York City and roughly the same GDP as the state of Virginia. That, my friends, is called drinking your way to weightlifting excellence. Page 250


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By contrast, the countries with the lowest alcohol consumption have very few or no Olympic medals, no good powerlifters, and no decent strongmen, in spite of the fact that many of them having comparatively massive populations- I’m looking at you, Bangladesh. Does this mean drinking confers great strength? Certainly not, but it does point to a very interesting correlation. While we’re on the subject, though, • • •

So, where does this put us? Squarely in the “tell the 16 year olds on the internet to spend more time lifting and less time debating pointless minutiae” section of the library. If you’re going to be a Billy Badass, you’re likely going to be a badass drinker as well. The two seem to go together like can have one without the other, you’re not bloody likely to. Thus, it might be time to grab yourselves some Devotion vodka (it’s got 2 grams of casein protein per shot) and head down to the gym for a bit of the old “anything you can do I can do better drunk as a fucking lord”, because Just bear in mind there’s a reasonable chance you might die, and try not to (that’s my legal disclaimer for when you parents try to sue me over your corpse).

CONCLUSION

There you have it, folks. In all of its meandering, bizarre, spastic wonderfulness, everything I know about diet and dieting. What you do with this information is entirely up to you- I’m all about leading horses to water, not holding their fucking heads under and forcing them to drink or drown. You will either utilize this information to become awesome or shelve this shit for a rainy day and realize when you read it that you’d wasted years by neglecting a massive part of training that could have ultimately spurred you onto glory. The choices you make are yours- just make them and fucking own them. Now go make a pot of stew, bring it into the gym, and face that shit while you make PRs fall like virgins’ panties when Chris Hemsworth enters the room.

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Appendix A: Chart of well known protein powder brands with their cost in US dollars based oﬀ a fixed markup from wholesale cost. price per gram protein grams of protein number of grams of protein net impact carbs Filler- Taurine and/or Name of Protein Weight in LB Cost in USD Price per LB per serving servings per container per serving Glycene >1.5 g CSN 20 179 $8.95 24 359 8616 2n 0.021 CSN 10 76 $7.60 24 142 3408 2n 0.022 MMI 5 41 $8.20 22 76 1672 4n 0.025 MGM Pure Iso 5 62 $12.40 30 76 2280 1n 0.027 CSN 3 29 $9.67 24 43 1032 2n 0.028 Elite XT 4.43 36 $8.13 21 61 1281 4n 0.028 Matrix 5 49 $9.80 23 71 1633 2n 0.030 Gold Standard 10 116 $11.60 24 149 3576 4n 0.032 Elite XT 2.2 21 $9.55 21 29 609 4n 0.034 Giant Protein 5 62 $12.40 27 63 1701 3y 0.036 MGM Pure Iso 2 29 $14.50 30 25 750 1n 0.039 Oh Yeah 2.4 30 $12.50 32 24 768 6n 0.039 Matrix 2 27 $13.50 23 30 660 2n 0.041 Perfect Whey 2 28 $14.00 22 32 704 2n 0.040 Elite Gourmet 5 52 $10.40 21 62 1302 6n 0.040 Combat 4.6 51 $11.09 24 52 1248 4n 0.041 Iso-100 5 84 $16.80 25 81 2025 0n 0.041 Elite Gourmet 2 25 $12.50 21 28 588 6n 0.043 Gold Standard 3.33 50 $15.02 24 48 1152 4n 0.043 MMI 2 22 $11.00 22 23 506 4n 0.043 Isopure 3 48 $16.00 50 22 1100 0n 0.044 Oh Yeah 4 52 $13.00 32 37 1184 5n 0.044 Gold Standard 2 31 $15.50 24 29 696 4n 0.045 Pro Complex 4.6 75 $16.30 60 28 1680 3n 0.045 ProSupps 4.4 78 $17.73 20 87 1740 0y 0.045 Hexapro 3 35 $11.67 25 31 775 6y 0.045 Myofusion 5 64 $12.80 24 58.2 1396.8 8n 0.046 ABB Pure Pro 4.5 55 $12.22 20 60 1200 5.5 n 0.046 Fusion 7 5.16 56 $10.85 23 53 1219 6n 0.046 Pro Antium 4.74 68 $14.35 29 50 1450 8n 0.047 Syntha-6 10 101 $10.10 22 97 2134 11 n 0.047

Monster Protein 5 48 $9.60 25 40 1000 12 n 0.048 Nitrotech 4 73 $18.25 30 50 1500 1y 0.049 Pro Complex 2.3 42 $18.26 60 14 840 3y 0.050 Iso-100 1.6 33 $20.63 25 26 650 0n 0.051 Performace Whey 2 28 $14.00 22 25 550 9n 0.051 iForce Protean 4 54 $13.50 20 53 1060 5.5 n 0.051 Protizyme 5 83 $16.60 25 65 1625 2n 0.051 Carnivor 2 33 $16.50 23 28 644 0n 0.051 Monster Milk 4.13 62 $15.01 50 24 1200 8n 0.052 Monster Protein 2 26 $13.00 25 20 500 12 n 0.052 Fusion 7 2.91 36 $12.37 23 30 690 6n 0.052 Beast 5.16 63 $12.21 20 60 1200 9n 0.053 Nectar 2 41 $20.50 6 130 780 0n 0.053 Syntha-6 5 56 $11.20 22 48 1056 11 n 0.053 Monster Milk 2.06 32 $15.53 50 12 600 8n 0.053 Nitrotech 2 40 $20.00 30 25 750 1y 0.053 Combat 2.3 34 $14.78 24 26 624 4n 0.054 Syntha-6 2.91 36 $12.37 22 30 660 11 n 0.055 Myofusion 2 31 $15.50 24 23 552 8y 0.056 Hydro Whey 3.5 68 $19.43 30 40 1200 2n 0.057 0.058 Syntha-6 Lean Dessert 1.38 22 $15.94 21 18 378 7n Muscle Milk 4.94 62 $12.55 16 64 1024 7n 0.061 Protizyme 2 40 $20.00 25 26 650 2n 0.062 Muscle Milk 2.47 32 $12.96 16 32 512 7n 0.063 Hydro Whey 1.75 38 $21.71 30 20 600 2n 0.063 VPX Protein 2 30 $15.00 20 23 460 14 n 0.065 Ultramet 0.169 3 $17.75 42 1 42 19 n 0.071 Muscle Milk 1.65 26 $15.76 12 30 360 6n 0.072 iForce Protean 2 35 $17.50 20 24 480 5.5 n 0.073 Muscle Milk 3 50 $16.67 12 56 672 6n 0.074 Ultramet 0.169 2.75 $16.27 35 1 35 4.8 n 0.079 Ultramet 0.169 2.5 $14.79 25 1 25 16 n 0.100 Name of Protein Weight in LB Cost in USD Price per LB grams of protein number of grams of protein price per gram net impact carbs Filler- Taurine and/or $5-10 $10.01-15

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