Sorrow, Mischievous, Survivor 2n1w4w

Sorrow, Mischievous, Survivor

Kaisha Jenkins

Copyright © 2019 by Kaisha Jenkins.

ISBN: Softcover 978-1-7960-6860-3 eBook 978-1-7960-6859-7

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only. Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Rev. date: 01/10/2020

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Contents

Introduction

(SORROW)

What A Child Needs

What A Little Girl Needs

My Pain

The Little Girl Within

Heartache Vs. Soul Ache

Time ing…

The Enemy Within

Help?

*As I Look Up…

(MISCHIEVOUS)

The Other Me…

The Battle…

Saving Myself…

The Slick Woman

Learning The Hard Way

Evaluate

Getting Over

Men

That Touch

(SURVIVOR)

Breaking The Generational Curse

My Blessings

Be Encouraged

Queens

Rise

I Am Who I Am…

NOTES…

Distance…

My Angel…

Sister??

My Down Chick…

The One I Wanted To Be Like Growing Up

Love…

About The Author

This book is dedicated to a broken heart…

And inspired by my two angels: Jurrel & Jared…

Introduction

Poetry is literary in a special way to express feelings and ideas with the use of rhythm. It’s also a quality of beauty and intensity of emotion using your own characteristic…

This book is like an open diary, me using poetry for expressing the different stages and thoughts I went through while experiencing life. And uplifting myself along the way.

Theses feelings and experiences are also the makings of who I am. Going through sorrow and becoming mischievous and coming out a survivor. Learning not letting life knock me down and just getting my emotions out and finding ways to rise. Being foolish taught me how to be smarter. Also, knowing I do not fit in, helped me to own

who I am and want to be more different.

Being exposed to life at a young age and going through things no child should have to experience made me fill up with questions and anger that turned into self-hate and opened the door for many other issues. As I got older and really started to understand things in life and how the world we are in is wicked. Also learning how your environment, friends and family can be toxic too as well with their secrets and ways. But yet family is the only ones who stay in your corner with all the baggage and craziness; sometimes.

I battled depression and anxiety for years and never knew how to express myself or I was always venting trying to get someone to understand me but it seemed to always backfire. People can be really mean or just think you’re crazy. Leaving

you feeling stripped and vulnerable.

I later learned about self sabotage and that we attract what we think and say we have. So as I began to learn and keep an open mind, I began to change and think positive but yet, still hold on the pain and people who were no good for me. That took a lot of my happiness and I went in a lot of circles.

I learned to stop blaming people and my past along the way and to let go so I can move forward. I seen how I was hurting myself.

I looked to God and I believe He kept me and I know I have a purpose; everyone has a purpose. I want to share my story using poetry to show my growth and it’s ok to be who you are. We need to stop going to people for acceptance and accept who we are.

I hope these poems touches many people and uplift someone and give them courage to rise above their circumstances. Also see that there are people out there who battle with themselves and feel like they just can’t get right. You can, just don’t quit or give up on God (whoever you believe in) or you

• Sorrow: A feeling of deep distress caused by loss, and disappointment.

• Mischievous: A person causing or intending a fondness for causing harm or trouble.

• Survivor: A person who copes well with difficulties in their life.

• Different: not the same as another; unlike in nature, form, or quality.

(Sorrow)

What A Child Needs

A child needs love, correction, and affection.

A child needs to be stimulated and reminded that they are loved, knowing they can trust the environment they are in and the people around them.

A child needs a hero and a friend; especially within…

What A Little Girl Needs

A little girl needs to remind that she is a princess soon to be a queen.

A little girl needs to know she matters and that she is different and it is ok.

A Little girl needs to know that beauty is only skin deep.

…. *Everyone must know they are important*

My Pain

My pain runs deep. My tounge is sharp like a two edged sword.

It cuts deep. Coming off as serpentine.

Confusing others – feeling betrayed; I find myself wanting to share my pain, but not in a show and tell kind of way…

The Little Girl Within

The little girl within just wants a friend. she wants to be loved, accepted and know she is ok.

She was interrupted and never got to finish growing properly. Life has caused her to grow up fast and foolish, just not knowing.

As she is growing, she is sometimes frustrated with the past that gets in her way as of today. But she is learning; she now knows it take time and she has to remove toxic people that tug at her as if they know once she fully grows into her potential, they will lose their power and she will no longer be their victim.

She ask god to lead the way. Dying to self can be hard and full of pain, not wanting to let go because it is all she knows.

Scared to get out of her comfort zone.

Yet, she is still a working progress; learning to stop going down memory lane. For it is full of dead ends. It’s time to let go and start growing…

Heartache Vs. Soul Ache

Heart ache, soul ache. They both ache.

My heart hurt so bad when I lost my love. But I’ll just be straight and keep it short because the pain run so deep; depression, anxiety and questions begin to create. I can’t change my mind, I never felt so left behind. With all the foolishness and craziness it was still fun, he taught me a lot and now I know there is nothing new under the sun. I kept trying to figure out “Why?” knowing we are not to question God’s plan and everything happens for a reason. So, I sat back, guess it’s grieving season. Now i’m trying to cope, move on and remain strong, so I kept him in my heart, now I have to go on. I looked to my main man, someone who was also my best friend, my blood brother. FRom day one, he was always

the same one, never changing on anyone. His love was unconditional see, he has a lot to do with my potentials. Just for him to be taken from me, my sisters and brother, especially our mother. I loved these two men; they were my best friends in this life of sin. Now they’re no longer and my heart and soul is full of hunger. I find myself lost at times, I tell myself they were just angels in disguise, but i’m trying to figure out life without these guys. But god sees me through. So when you compare the two. Heartache vs. soul ache. To me… they both ache.

Time ing…

As the days, seconds, and minutes go by. I sit with build frustration inside. Feeling anxious and in a rush. For I have fooled around and swam in ignorance long enough. Now that I have lost so much important people, I feel as if Im sinking more into a deep hole. Feeling lost and when trying to maintain happiness I feel awkward around people. I feel like they can see and know my pain and I’m misunderstood because we don’t all look at life quite the same. Now that I’m waking up, time is still and will me be by. I’m learning things I should’ve known I get angry inside. I Can’t show my growth to my main circle, they’re either dead or in jail and going through their own hell. The ones not too far from me slowly becoming strangers. I feel like I’m in such danger. I pray to god everyday and

if my ways are pleasing to him, He’ll make it all go away. So I try to change my thoughts. I never realized that “I am lost.” I know and feel there is a rainbow at the end of the tunnel. I wish i could just stop time so I can get a piece of the pie and enjoy time. Then I look up and I’m lonely. here comes anger again. Now I’m wasting more time and days again. I have to stop letting my mind trick me …time is still ing …

The Enemy Within

The pain that I have locked and tucked away just to stay sane and make it through the days, waits for me to be alone and vulnerable. Reminding me: “I’m still here; oh, you thought you were healed? You put me behind and thought it would all just die? , I still linger in your mind… you try to hide me but I seep out through your disguise. Just look at your eyes.

All the good days fade away and since your not strong years of pain surface with the new. Like how you wonder if you matter? Then you wouldn’t be alone. The guys you loved, just beat and cheat on you. And the one you thought would change for you, died on you and now you’ll never know if you really had a chance. Tried to start brand new and he

was the worst. YOur family; they say that they love you but abandon you. Moved on with their lives while you roam alone. Searching for your purpose. Yet, still full of love, but is it worth it? And your friends; although they say “nice” things they’re quick to criticize you, like enemies do, that’s why you down yourself before they do. Never feeling good enough. The one person who truly believed in you; he died too. Leaving your soul aching and you’ll never know why. Listen; your crazy, weird, and your greatness will never appear! You can’t even keep a man, when the lights come on, they’re all gone. You have no clue! I am still here; you believe me that’s why you never grew. I can get you with so many flashbacks and there’s many other things i can remind you of. You really think you’ll make it? Who’s really there for you? When you think your doing well, I’ll be back to show and tell you”….

Help?

This is one of those moments when I really want to know why? As he utter wicked and hurtful things, clenching his fist and hitting me in my head and screaming and threatening me with such hatred and anger behind his words when I did nothing wrong but love him. He played minds games and makes me seem as if I’m crazy. I begin to zone out, talking to god in my head: “God, I’m sorry for everything! Please hear me and help me. You said in all my ways to acknowledge You. I know i’m in sin, please look what he’s doing! Help me, save me. No weapon formed against me shall prosper. Lord God, don’t let him kill me. I don’t want to die in the hands of a jealous man and I need my babies”. While being struck again in my head, his angry voice is back again … now this is nothing like I’m use to. Don’t get me wrong, every relationship

I had to fight but this seems as if he is really going to take my life. I’m trying to figure out why do I have to continue to go through pain. I have to compromise for my life just to get by. Staying calm and boost his ego and although I hate him and wondering why did I let him get this far in my life… I guess I thought he was going to love me and make me his wife. He is my lesson and I need help to get past his strife

*As I Look Up…

I ed when my life was changing drastically five years later after thinking I’m healing from a tragedy; I looked up.

I looked up and my “friends were turning into strangers. I looked up and the person who was suppose to love me and save me was degrading me, suffocating me and becoming my enemy.

I looked up and my brother was gone, I’m trying to find the words to write out my story because this pain I dealt was so stormy, I could just drown in my tears, wanting to die, like” Lord why?”

I looked up and everything I fought and worked so hard for was crumbling down as if I was the foolish woman who tears

down her own home with her bare hands.

I looked up and found myself lost, looking for a strong tower; God felt so far away. There was no way to end this pain. With darkness at every hour searching for a light. I look up…

I looked up and found myself at the mercy of another, someone who was kin and added more to my suffering. In a different state trying to run from this pain; and start over with my babies, hating myself for what i’m putting us through.

I looked up and my sisters and mother were married, such a shame I never even been to a wedding. I looked up alone after the storm, searching for something or someone back at the city were nobody really knows me. I looked up and God gave me back everything I needed to start fresh, looking back, thinking

maybe this is what I needed. I looked up and depression and anxiety was attacking me again and sleep was the only escape for me so I wouldn’t have to feel, but my dreams woke me up with great chills. I looked up and searching for God and he ed me and depression and anxiety no longer control me. I looked up and still see how God has blessed me and never left me. Now I Try to focus on the good things. I’m still looking up, ignoring the negative thoughts and people who try to come to test me. I’m better and I’m building strength and learn along the way…as I look up…

(Mischievous)

The Other Me…

There’s this other side of me. She’s tough and has been through so much, she refuses to fail. She knows there are better days that waits for her and there is so much more to life. She dosen’t sit and feel sorry for herself. Whatever she wants she gets, using her gift of gab; she talks slick and always has new tricks to get what she needs. No, it’s not gloating, just stay focus. This world is not fair and if you let get the best of you, you’ll be left behind.

She just plays games to get by. She knows she can’t just lay down and fold. Always thinking of a master plan, finding ways to survive and something to leave behind for her babies and hoping she never fails them in the back of her mind. Only allowing a few

minutes to cry, then it’s time to get back in the game; though there are times stand still allowing the other side to come and feel defeated, reminding all of her; she’s broken. As she finds her way back and now on full attack. The fire in her never dies. She may bend but will never break. She’ll always find away to come back alive, because she knows everything is temporary…

The Battle…

I been under the influence of pain and abuse as for as I can . Never quite feeling real love, to me it’s painful. So I finally no longer want to feel. From my understanding it’s going to hurt. Trust is dead, Now I am just numb, floating but yet curious. Curious to find out if that happy ending is for me.

But keeping myself busy and chasing after my dreams is just what it’ll have to be until someone comes and sweep me off my feet. Finding myself with my head in the clouds, it’s just the little girl that wants to get out. But she’s can be careless, acting all fearless, but later regretting the things she get herself into. Causing a war within and now we’re no longer friends because she sparks up pain as if she needs it to keep going because that’s all

she knows. Now I’m back having to clear my mind and wondering will I ever stop playing with fire because I’m trying to fulfil my desires?

Saving Myself…

They say make the best of life. I’m out here trying to save my life. Still on the search for abundance, and prosperity. Feeling like the best is yet to come. Hoping everything that I’m doing far as work, school, and trying to provide for my children will not go unnoticed. Like I’m not doing this for nothing. No, I’m not looking for sympathy, more like empathy. And use my trials and tribulations to help another who hustles and is trying and fighting like me. Even with feeling defeated and as if life has cheated. And still have to look like “it’s not hard” and “I got this” because the messed-up world we live in you always have to look like “you’re winning”. yet, still struggling with self and the world. Everything now seems as if its programmed, the rules and outlook have been twisted and

compromised. I’m just trying to leave my mark as I’m ing by; and my children and all the children and many people who’s looking for change to understand that without the struggle there is no progress and be wise. God knows all and sees all, you can still rise. Keep this in mind, so you’ll survive…

The Slick Woman

He looks appealing to my eyes, but talks of foolishness and cockiness. So, I shut out his ignorance and began to read his body language. As I watch the way he moves and only listen closely to what I need to. With some of it I think the opposite. He’s so full of folly he doesn’t even know Im bout to get this kid. I call him a kids because when a man becomes a man, he is to put away his childish ways and with him. Since I am a woman, he thinks i’m easy to be played. Which is such a shame; as I use my reverse psychology, I get what all I want and make him fall for me. But when you live life playing games there’s always a price to pay. Guess that’s why I am this way. Never taking a man serious and often leave them curious or thinking they got me. Like they won the game but on to the next been my move. Moving

around like I’m playin the game of chest. Funny how men thinks they’re so smooth, I get down just like they do but this is what I’m use to getting over and making my heart colder…

Learning The Hard Way

Everything has always been a game to me. Exposed to life at a young age taught me how to play games. The black sheep at home and in the world, I’m “weird.” I move different from females and intimidate males. I’m just one of a kind, better yet, I’m different.

But, I always still tried to fit in and doing whatever it takes to plead my case. Explaining myself like I needed approval. Leaving myself exposed which means revealed and known. Opening up myself up for people to have an opinion of me. Clearly, I been my own enemy. Not realizing everyone dosen’t deserve me. Because I always did it that way, caused me to learn the hard way

Seeking revenge from trying to fit in and

making people regret for talking down on me and because I hate men; I really get even. Not caring who I Hurt, long as I got what I want. My heart full of hate because I Put my trust in man. They failed me every time. Not just “man” but; wo-” man” and hu-” man”. When all along I should have just loved and accepted me. And because I didn’t; I’m walking around like “woe is me.”

Playing games and learning the hard way because I had the wrong mind frame..

Evaluate

I know I have caused and allowed a lot of negative things to happen in my life due to my actions and thought process. justifying my ways when things didn’t turn out my way. Thinking selfishly and momentarily and you would think- if I knew better, I’ll do better, right? Wrong; knowing what I should be doing but yet still wondering off all because my heart and

Mind won’t keep still. just looking for peace and clarity. Which seems hard to find, so looking for ways to numb the pain just searching a better day, a better life, better everything because I seem to just can’t get right. Wondering why did god create this thing called life? we live to die anyways. why am I fighting to live and to be loved.

But my misery doesn’t want company. So, I Shut out the world and the people in it, as I cry and laugh with myself, coming up with ways to get me out of this hole i have trapped myself in. Telling myself I really need to be my own friend and really search and look deep within and who I am…

Getting Over

I’m getting over the best way I can. trying to make sure what all I put out won’t hurt so bad when it comes back to me. I give when I can and always want and willing to help another. I find it funny when others think of me as a pushover. Like as if I’m easy to get over on. For they are so wrong. It can get real grimy out nowhere and I can pick the mind, and rob someone blind but what good comes from that? My pride and ego gets stronger but my trails esculate and get longer. Just from getting over…

Men

My flesh is weak. One minute i’m trying to change and do better, then my past flash or someone comes and test me. I find myself back on my knees. I say to myself: “I’m going to make God and myself proud” making sure I never blend in the crowd. But I fall short, men is my biggest weakness. I hate them, but I love them, I lust for them. I lie to them; I even find myself putting them before god and that always knocks me off track. Feeling like I’m battling new demons. Trying to get inside their heads and see what I can get but yet, my life is slowly turning into chaos and I sit back like what am I thinking? I’m battling their life forms and mines, mixed with every girl they have in their line. Because I’m trying to get right within, seven more demons, now full of legions. They say be careful who you lay with because sex is

nothing to play with. But I look past that all I know is I’m trying to get that. Then I wonder: when will I get married? Is there someone out there for me and that will look past the fact I’m very good in bed and want to know what really goes on in my head? I’m more than a pretty face. although women are the same but in a different way, I carry myself different and most girls I can’t relate, or can I? Men play so many games and take things like selfesteem and innocents. I had mines taken from me from someone I called “uncle” he gave things and complements, that’s why when I hear them it makes me cringe, especially from old men. I learned how to please a man and get what I want out of them. Using sex as weapon. But I got some game using reverse psychology now I don’t have to give my body away. I’ve been playing these games so long, hating men because they made me this way. Yet I love men; the masculine touch, the sweet

lies, and the attention. But I lie right back, did I mention? I sit and wonder what my life would be like if my innocents didn’t get taken from me. I’ll probably have respect towards myself and men and not wonder if my father really love me because he would’ve taught me these things about men, I don’t think the little girl within would still be hurting…

That Touch

My body craves that touch. That touch I have yet to feel. The touch that gives me chills. Feeling secure and knowing for sure I am loved and wanted, full of bliss just enjoying the moment. I have many affairs because I’m searching for that touch, am I doing too much? maybe I am, but I refuse to be that woman who needs a man. So I lie and cheat because I’ll never let another man get over on me. I learned how to play the game and it all comes down to men being all the same but in a different way, from my experiences still as of today. I have yet to feel that touch, wondering if I’m ask for too much. Full of frustration I’m tired of waiting so I finesse men out of many things so I won’t feel as if anything been stolen from me. But I’m changing the way I view

things and I know there is someone out there for me and I’ll feel that touch and he’ll let me know it wasn’t too much…

(Survivor)

Breaking The Generational Curse

Breaking a generational curse can really hurt. You battle with things and personality traits that been in the family you know nothing about. Drugs alcolhol, sex, perversion, anger, depression and many other things. As you get older you see traits as it reveals itself and find out the family secrets. Stuck wondering if you should keep it or end it today and let the devil know he can no longer have his way and began to make changes. But when you do it that way, you’ll find yourself alone away from your family and friends, feeling like an outcast. Wondering how long will this loneliness last? Then nobody understands you, but you have the mind, knowing you’re close to your breakthrough. Changing for the better. Thinking “mind over matter.” This battle is not for the weak or the one who fears. Although

you’ll find yourself feeling that way. But remain steadfast and know that with God troubles won’t last. Let yourself feel every emotion, but whatever you do, keep going…

My Blessings

When I sit back and count my blessings, I know one thing; God has truly blessed me. He blessed me with three beautiful babies. Although it gets hard at times and they drive me crazy. Everyday of motherhood is really a blessing. I pray my sons grow up and become strong wise men and little lady never has to pretend and she’s truly happy and virtuous, and they know themselves so they will never know how it feels to be put back on a shelf. I pray most of my days that God will meet me halfway and he always does that’s why praying is a must. I thank God for my blessings and all the many lessons. I teach my children everything I know, it’s amazing watching them grow. My love for them runs deeper than anyone will ever know. God gave them to me and sharing them is hard for me. Hard for me because the changes I

went through and the way my body grew. Just knowing there are three little people who needs me, loves me and is not ashamed of me. So I love them with all of me. Promising to protect their innocents because this cruel world is full of nonsense. My babies are my blessings and because of them I’m maturing. They teach me things. God has really been good me and I’m thankful for my blessings…

Be Encouraged

It’s exciting what life can bring. Good or bad pay attention to what you have. I know easier said than done, but life can really be fun. With all my trials and tribulations. I know my life just begun. I am releasing myself from all that troubles me. I know good ahead because my God got me. It takes 21 days to rewire the brain, speak positive and watch things change. I’m still learning everyday. I lost a lot but I gained a lot. i’m trying to tell you life can be exciting. take in all the good and stop saying you’re misunderstood. you are who you and that’s all that needs to be understood. know yourself and love yourself. god don’t make no mistakes. get up and be inspired, for you have what it takes. you got this! you are great. i know life’s a trip, but please break. seek wisdom and knowledge take back your

joy and hold it hostage. it’s not always easy but that’s what I did. be encourage!…

Queens

Because I failed at loving myself properly, I allowed men to abuse, misuse and control me. They knew my weakness and secrets and used them against me. Always had me wondering what’s wrong with me? Comparing me to the next female, causing confusion and jealousy. Instead of being a queen and knowing it’s just all a mind thing; weak like me, caused enemies. Trying to feed off friends and social media and “ratchett” quotes just to feel like; you know. Like “I’m all that” or “I can take your man,” the wrong mentality, degrading myself, showing off, seeking attention. Letting go of reality, justifying my ways being a foolish woman, instead of being a queen – Proverbs 31, “the virtuous woman.” Took time to realize my worth and to love me. Now, they to make it seem like i’m crazy

or as if my head is too far in the clouds or like I’m a little too late to catch on and I’m great. I seeked and searched, yearning for “that touch” but discovering myself and wisdom and understanding wasn’t too much. In fact, it was the best thin; God restored me. All of us women are queens and beautiful in our own way. “Different” and that’s ok, we need to embrace one another and ourselves and a man is nothing without a woman. Know who you are and you can and will attract everything you want. Because I know what I know now, I’ll help any woman fix her crown before I tell the world it fell down. I’ll never let a man or anyone tell me I can’t wear my crown.

Rise

I will no longer be defined by my past. The hurt and pain I’ve endured and the pain I may have caused on others. I am not a victim. Just like everyone else I have a purpose and a reason. I have evolved and rise against everything and everyone who has kept me down. I have earned my crown. I am not bitter, I am better. God has kept me and blessed me and never have left me. Even when he doesn’t feel present; I’ve learned the teacher is always silent during the test. I look to John 13:7- “You may not understand now what I am doing, but someday you will” I’m just trying to stay under God’s will. I’ve tried it my way and as long as I kept that mind frame, pain and trouble seem to stay. Along with confusion; just find out that all that all that seems and looks good is just an illusion. for the world is not my home and I cannot

make it on my own, everything I been through is part of my destiny, so I can tell about my testimony. For the Lord is good, you should want to taste and see how good God is. It’s so amazing God is powerful is what I am saying. I made it this far and I’m going to keep rising…

I Am Who I Am…

I am who I am. I often question “What am I here for?”

I find myself fighting with ego, my ID and my superego. I am my own enemy. I am who I am. One minute I know exactly who I am and what I want, next I’m confused giving voice to the other me, saying “I Can’t, I’m not good enough.” While the other me is taking action on both ends. Sometimes I’m glad I do what I do, but sometimes I get burned for playing with fire. I am who I am. I contradict myself on the regular. I look for approval to be ok with myself, why can’t I Just love myself? I see other people proud of who they are, acting and looking as if fear doesn’t live there, I try to have the same attitude, but deep down I hope I’m pulling this off because I’m so out

of order. I am who I am. Then I speak victory over me. I guess the other me is saying I’ve been in that place long enough, who cares what anybody thinks. I’m going to do my own thing. I’m in a better head space, I’m tuned into what’s important. I’m starting to like me again. I have a schedule, I’m making positive choices and kicking bad habits; taking charge of me. I am who I am. But now I’m finding myself bored, lonely, and unsatisfied searching for a friend, now I’m, reaching out to the same toxic people trying to see what can I compromise just to feel like I once did. Now I’m having fun; but too much fun, just to find myself yet again looking around seeing how I let my morals and standards dumb down jut to fit it and most of the people I surround myself have help me ‘Im still not good enough or I’ll never make it. I am who I am. Anxiety comes to play and depression over shadows me and I’m being haunted by my past

and reminded of people I lost. Now nothing around me not even myself is right. Once again “Why am I here?” I am who I am. I battle with my myself day to day searching for a way. I am who I am. But I’ll never give up on me and one day with dignity and my head held high, I’ll say “I am who I am” with good pride…

Notes…

Distance…

There’s has always been a distance between us, it’s getting better now that we got older. You being stuck in your ways and me having to get my way. Not really letting you be my big brother; even though we came from the same mother. Don’t get me wrong we do have good memories and you taught me things, but there never been closeness between us and we see things differently. I never stop loving you that is something I can never do. Just know I see the king inside of you…

My long-lost friend…

Growing up I everything we use to do. You were my first friend. The complete opposite, but you also shown me things I won’t forget. As we got older, our relationship

got colder. I experienced things you didn’t know and couldn’t understand. Just know I always ired you. I thank God for us finally settling our differences. Although it took awhile, but I believe you being my big sister was heaven sent, my long-lost best friend…

My Angel…

You are the illest, you were really the realest. Someone you cherish. Still can’t believe you perished. But I’m glad I got to know you and Bully U, play with you and most of all; be your little/ big sister. Since you been gone, I been having some real big issues. I really miss you; I named my son after you so I can have more of a reason to say your name, even though it will never be the same. I tell myself you’re my angel and I’ll see you again someday…

Sister??

I don’t know another name to call you. You been my sister my whole life. Yet with all the time that has ed by you don’t even know how many times I cried. I cried because you are distant and seem forgetful. Like you forgot who was all there for you. And the lady that raised you, she really cares for you. There’s no secret she battled her own demons and made us all feel “What’s our reason?”

Our reason to be here because once we moved to the town, our little family fell down. But me and you; we shared a bond, we have secrets. You stuck around when life was knocking me down and I love you for that. But it’s like you turned your back. My love for you is still strong, don’t get me wrong. But it’s like you forgot where you came from. I always thought

highly of you and ire your strength. I’ll tell you this, if I ever did anything to hurt you or made it come to this, I’m sorry and getting my “Sister” back is something i wish…

My Down Chick…

Even though you’re my mother you are my friend. I love you, respect you and see you as very beautiful and very talented. You showed me a lot of things. You talk with me and laugh with me and even when we don’t see things eye to eye, I know I need you to get by. You always tried your best and that never went unnoticed. Since I’m a mother, I understand now. Life can be trip and you know this. You ride with me through it all even with my flaws. I love you so much and thank you and most of all; I thank God…

The One I Wanted To Be Like Growing Up

I think that you are the flyest, coolest guy. I always said I wanted to be like you. I even have a lot of tattoos like you, inspired by you. With the years of distance, my love for you never changed. I look like you and have some of the ways that you do. Whenever we did spend time, you installed some things I still do today. I love daddy and it always been that way. I have questions but I no longer look for the answers because I think I’m finding my way and making it through the pain…

Love…

You were someone special to me. You still are. I sit wonder how things would be if you were still here. Losing you, made me face my fears. Oh how it still hurts. I’m carrying on but still longing for you. I hope you’re watching, seeing how much I grew. Your son looks just like you and has so many questions about you. I tell him how much of a fun loving person you were and to hold it down for you…

About The Author

Kaisha Jenkins who goes by the name “Kai.” Is a single mother of three children. She was born in the city of Bakersfield, CA. But was raised in the city of Torrance, CA but later moved to Bakersfield, CA and began to experience life. She is the third of five children; going through the “Black Sheep” phase because she has always been different from her siblings. Although she had a tight bond with all her siblings. But she had a hard time finding her way in the real world.

While living in Bakersfield, CA; Kai struggled with loving and accepting herself but she has a few dear people who understands her. She went through a lot of things and a tragedy with losing someone she loved, who was also her oldest son’s father and moved

back to Los Angeles. Later, witness her little brother getting gunned down who survived but not even a year later was murdered in cold blood close by his mother’s house.. He was one of the main people who believed in Kai. They had an unbreakable bond, he would always uplift her and called her “Queen.”

Kai began to write down her thoughts and emotions trying to win the battle of fighting with depression, self-hate and anxiety due to all what she has gone through. For her love of music caused her to turn it all into poetry expressing some of her pain and overcoming her trials. Hoping that sharing some of her poetry will help encourage someone and know they’re not alone…