Surviving My Path Through Suicide Loss: The Survival Series x4j5c

Surviving My Path Through Suicide Loss

Penny Myers

Copyright © 2021 by Penny Myers

ISBN: 978-1-7775899-1-2

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

This book is not intended as a substitute for the medical advice of physicians or mental health practitioners. The content of this book is for informational purposes only and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any condition or disease. You understand that this book is not intended as a substitute for consultation with a licensed practitioner. Please consult with your own physician or healthcare specialist regarding the suggestions and recommendations made in this book. The use of this book implies your acceptance of this disclaimer.

Contents

Foreword

A Note on Terminology

Preface

How To Use This Book

1. Death Notification

2. The Funeral

3. People and Their Attitude

4. Resources and

5. Vulnerability

6. Relationships

7. Where Do I Go from Here?

8. Triggers

9. Veteran Survivors of Suicide Loss

Conclusion

Addendum

Handling the Holidays

About the Author

Acknowledgments

Praise for Penny Myers

How can you describe a woman that has overcome suffering and pain and managed to turn these negative situations into a positive outcome? A woman that is strong, caring, resilient, and a true survivor! She is my Mom, known more now as Nanny to her four grandchildren. She is the role model I am proud to have around our boys and that I hope to aspire to one day! Xoxo Love u Mom, Melanie McLeod Nick’s sister My mother’s transcendent power when moving through trauma with grace is the epitome of post traumatic growth. Her strong resilience is a result of her finely tuned advanced coping skills. Penny’s journey through grief is a love letter to her children she has had to mourn and with it a vow to not let her losses be in vain. Love, your daughter Marsha Idella Knapp, Nick’s older sister Nine years ago, I met Penny Knapp at the worst point in my life, just after the death of my daughter by suicide. I attended a conference that she organized called “Survivors of Suicide Loss.” It gave me hope and the need to be surrounded, and ed by people who “got it.” Penny understood the complex layers of suicide both on a grief and preventative level. Several years later when I started up a “healing after a suicide loss” group in my community I found her book of guidelines on forming a group informative, easy to implement and a valuable tool. She has dedicated her life to educating communities on suicide loss and prevention. I highly recommend her material to be used for healing, and educational purposes. xoxox Erin Attard, Survivor of Suicide Loss, daughter - Melissa McGillicuddyAttard, 1991 - 2011 Following the tragic loss of her precious son Nicholas to suicide, Penny dedicated her life to helping prevent suicide and to be a real, practical to

other survivors of suicide loss families. She's determined and ionate. Just pure, solid gold. Penny is a much-needed advocate in this field of work. She cuts through the noise and asks the tough questions of the health system and of us all. Penny is a trusted close advisor to me. Someone I can go to when I need to recover my perspective or need advice. I'm delighted that Penny is now choosing to share her wisdom with the world by way of writing a book of record. Read, absorb, and read again. Because you and your loved ones need to know. Ruaraidh Butler, Founder & CEO www.yourlifecounts.org Assist/Safetalk Certified Penny is an inspiration to all people who are fortunate to have with her both personally and professionally in the context of suicide prevention. She is a specialist in the area of suicide postvention, specifically and intervention for persons bereaved by suicide. I vividly being uniquely inspired and motivated by the keynote speech Penny delivered, deeply impacting on, my engagement and understanding of suicide postvention thereafter. Penny is one of life’s true motivators, is inspirational and dynamic in of both her work and personality. She is a thought leader who drives ideas and people forward to achieve goals and desired outcomes, whilst also developing individuals to use and expand their full potential. Penny’s relentless energy, creativity, and flexibility, enthuse those around her. Nick Barnes, Chief Executive role - National Centre for Suicide Prevention Education UK, Suicide First Aid (SFA) UK Penny Myers presented before a national training of VA chaplains via webinar regarding suicide prevention and postvention. Her lecture was very well received and participants evaluated her as providing them with new and valuable information relevant to their jobs. I regard her as well qualified to provide the "Suicide Postvention" training and has the vital qualifications, skills and experience to successfully train and prepare those in need with tools to feel confident in providing the necessary hands-on service to their staff and clients. She provided our VA chaplains with valuable education and information to give them the confidence to their

veterans and families and community. I highly recommend her. Lowell S. Kronick, Chaplain MHL, BCC (APC, NAJC, NAVAC) ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR FOR EDUCATION United States Department of Veterans Affairs Well my dear Penny...when I just lost my son here in Cyprus because of the taboo and the orthodox Christianity it was difficult to really find any or understanding...when I found you in YOU TUBE survivors losing our loved ones to suicide....you gave me strength you made me understand I wasn’t the only one suffering from a suicide to our child or loved ones...your smile was full of warmth and understanding although your eyes were full of pain....you help millions worldwide without knowing it...thanks for everything my dear.. Wish there were no more suicides. I’m so sorry you lost Nicholas and for all the others...

Menelaos Menelaou Alexandros Boxing Academy, Cypress Son: Alexandros Menelaou born: 2/3/1996 2nd of march - death: 17/4/2015

Foreword

Dear Reader, As a Confidence Coach and Legacy Advisor, I know that sometimes True Purpose and resulting Legacy finds us. This is surely the path that has led Penny Myers to become an imioned expert in suicide postvention resourcing. In walking her path with her beloved son Nicholas, she has emerged as a leader, giving Voice to those who suffer this loss. As her Book Sherpa Coach and a manuscript reader, I have had my own transformational experience learning about survivors of suicide loss and the importance of her life's work for this special group of humans. My own neighbor died by suicide and I had not even realized how much I 'just tucked it away' since I understood so little, despite hearing her speak of suicide methods (which I did share with her husband; he told me of her decades long mental health issues and of his awareness of her suicide ideation). Reading this manuscript helped me formulate vital perspective to become an awareness advocate myself when presented with the opportunity. It also gave me further conviction in my work as an intuitive coach for women in the second half of life. I have been awed by the strength and courage of this cohort. Never more so then reading this mindaltering manuscript. Women often tell me that when others say, “You are so strong," they do not feel that way. They are simply getting on in the way women are taught to get on, no matter what. It's hard not to put words like 'strength' and 'courage' to Penny's experience. Other words that come to mind are these: Penny Myers is a General in the Army of Change, made up of women in the second half of life. When this title found her, she stepped up to a mantle she never sought and surely never wanted. Thank God she did. I am sending love to any reader who has suffered suicide loss. Also, more love and gratitude to anyone who reads this book and steps up to your own mantle of awareness advocate. With love, Susan

Confidence Coach Susan L. Axelrod, c whatwillyourlegacybe.com

This book is dedicated to my son Nicholas, age 20, who died by suicide on May 19, 2007. My journey through grief, loss, and pain has given me the knowledge and confidence to share my story and provide resources for others who have lost a loved one to suicide. Without the love and of my daughters, Marsha Idella Knapp and Melanie Margaret McLeod, this book would not have become a resource for survivors of suicide loss. I am grateful for their encouragement and confidence in me as I wrote about our loss and shared our family’s experience, and I thank them for being by my side as we searched for knowledge and resources to share with other survivors. I also dedicate this book to those survivors of suicide loss who shared their stories of pain, grief, and loss with me. I hope this book will become a handbook to those left behind after a loved one has died by suicide. I hope you can once again find joy in your life as you go forward. Rory (Ruaraidh) Butler, the Founder and CEO of Your Life Counts, Inc. is an advocate and wonderful source of for survivors of suicide loss. He has listened to my highs and lows as well as to my struggles whenever I encountered difficult situations I wasn't sure I could get through. Rory understands and encourages me to continue forward; he has always been there to show me the "Reasons To Live" and "The Reasons To Continue" my life and work. I am so grateful for his empathy and guidance. To my dear grandsons Nathan, Matthew, Kent, and James: you have shown me so much joy, love, and innocence and helped heal my broken and battered heart. You fill my life with laughter. XOXO Love, Penny, (Nanny)

A Note on Terminology

Throughout this book you’ll see the term ‘postvention’ used. Postvention is defined as ‘appropriate and helpful acts that come after a dire event’ and ‘social care given after the experience of a traumatic event, especially to those directly affected by a suicide’. It also determines your resilience after a loss by suicide.

Preface

The writing of this book came about because my son Nicholas died by suicide in May 2007. It shattered my world. I couldn't imagine life without my adventurous son whose contagious smile lit up my world along with many others. Nicholas was always willing to help someone, anyone, and he wanted everyone to be happy. He had a mischievous side, too. One Halloween, he dressed up as if he were a count dracula; he looked like a great prop until he slowly reached out and touched a parent’s hand. Oh my gosh, people told me later they probably wouldn’t come back the next year because they had been so frightened. Nicholas’s death was like 1000 puzzle pieces had scattered across on the floor. I couldn't imagine putting myself back together again. I listened to my heart, mind, and soul, constantly searching for what I connected with, what made sense to me in my journey of loss, grief, and pain. I found there was no book of instructions on life after a loss by suicide. And when I read the standard bereavement books, I just could not resonate with the thought that my child belongs to God and "he giveth, he taketh”. It was painful and absurd to believe that. No God could be so cruel in my eyes. I turned toward other survivors and listened to their stories to help me make sense of my life. Perhaps if I could find out what others went through when they suffered a loss by suicide, I too could learn how to survive my loss. Time and again, I heard survivors say there were just no words to explain their loss. Heart, mind, and emotions scatter. Waves of emotions crash, causing spills across the suicide loss landscape. No two people grieve alike, each one is unique. What we all share is the pain and the emotion of the loss of our loved one. I learned humans need connection with other humans to survive, and when a loved one dies by suicide, that connection is broken because others do not understand our grief and they back away. There is stigma and taboo attached to suicide. It is misunderstood and people fear it.

This book addresses the fear and misunderstanding about suicide and those left behind. I offer it as a resource for survivors to let them know they are not alone in their grief and pain. You can survive your grief. You can survive your loss. No, you will not forget your loved one. You will always them through happy memories. You can survive your loss by reaching out to other survivors, practicing self-care and learning how to survive the holidays and anniversaries. This book will show you how. Read it from beginning to end. Read it again to help you understand you are worth surviving your loss, pain, and grief, and gradually, you will experience joy again in your life. This book has been written with you in mind. You are not alone. I am here. Penny

How To Use This Book

If you are reading this book because your loved one has died by suicide, I am sorry for your loss. You may feel like you are alone, but you are not. Reading this book will help you realize many survivors of suicide loss have shared their stories to make your healing journey more possible. I have survived the loss of my son, Nicholas, who took his life on May 19, 2007, at the age of 20. My story will give you the comfort and you need as you heal. If your loved one was taken by suicide, I suggest the first step is to be gentle with yourself. The second step is to read my story in this book to learn how I have survived the loss of my loved one and how you can do it, too. Be patient with yourself. Know you can survive your loss and heal at your own pace. Grief cannot be rushed. You may not find closure when suicide is involved but you will have learned much more about suicide, grief, pain, and loss. There are so many unanswered questions, and the only person who can provide answers is not here. If you are a family member or a friend of someone who has lost a loved one to suicide, read and reread this book to help you better understand what the person left behind is going through and what their needs are when grieving a traumatic loss to suicide. Make notes so you can refer back to a part that may connect with you and your concerns and fear. , your friend or a family member needs a safe, non-judgmental environment to speak freely and openly. The person grieving may not what they have said to you early in their grief. Repeat what you said to them and be sure it is the same. To be honest, if they happen to what you said previously and your answer isn't the same, they may not feel they can trust you and will shut down. If you tell them you care about their well-being, then repeat that statement as often as possible. It is important they trust you. Also, you are not expected to fix them, only to listen with silence and give no advice about you experiencing something similar, because no one can imagine what they are going through. Ask them specifically what you can do for them. If they don't know, suggest getting them a glass of water, making calls, picking up the mail, doing errands, or driving them to where they may need to go. Do not promise them something you cannot or do not intend to do, because they will not trust you and trust is vital in the small steps to healing and surviving. Let me explain how this would work. If you say

to someone in grief, “I can take care of the cat for you,” but you know you are not able to take care of the cat as promised, you don't like cats. You hope she will forget about it. When you see her next, she is ready for you to take the cat as she has planned on taking it, she will be shocked if you don't take the cat. If you are a mental health professional or a caregiver of a person left behind after a suicide, that everyone grieves uniquely. Practical steps should take precedence over theory. The person in grief will know how they feel; it may not be the same as the stories shared in this book or the case studies in your own training and education, but the person still needs to be heard. Give the patient your undivided attention and please do not look at your watch. It shows the client you are bored and want to get through their problem quickly. You will lose the connection with the client, who needs to feel comfortable being open and honest with you. Also, be careful to not tell them they will get through this and to stop worrying. The complaints I heard from survivors about their experiences with mental health professionals were about personality clashes, so be honest with your clients. If they are not an active participant in their sessions, ask them if they would like to work with another person. It's about their grief journey, not your training. It's not personal; rather, it’s finding the right fit for the client’s needs. Thank you for caring enough to assist those grieving the loss of a loved one by suicide to better understand what is a difficult journey ahead.

1

Death Notification

It was 6:15 on Sunday morning when I awoke to voices downstairs. I sat up and listened for a moment and didn't recognize the low, calm speaking voice. No laughter, and I could hear only one voice--and it wasn’t my husband’s. I sat up and got dressed then started down the stairs quietly and slowly so as not to be heard by the creaky wooden steps. I was trying to figure out the voice that I was hearing so early on a Sunday morning. As I approached the bottom step, I realized the visitor’s voice was not familiar to me. My curiosity got the best of me. As I rounded the corner, I was surprised to see two elderly women sitting in the kitchen on the love seat and, as I reached the doorway, two police officers sitting at my kitchen table. I was shocked. I looked at my husband and asked, "What are you doing talking to these people without me being here?" Larry looked at me with puzzled eyes. "They are talking to me, but I don't know what they are saying!" I turned toward one of the officers with a curious look. The officer immediately stood up and introduced himself and his partner as well as the two women from Elgin Victim Services, sitting quietly in the distance. The women looked as though they had been awoken from a dead sleep and were unsure of why they were there. From that moment on, my life, our life, the family life I once knew would never be the same again. I leaning on the freezer chest close by; something unknown was going through my body. I was uncertain what had hit me. I had no time to feel emotional. I had much to do immediately, such as Nick’s best friend, Jason. Nick’s girlfriend needed a call. My daughters, parents, friends. I had to be strong, no time for emotion. I fought off the feeling of shock. I felt tingling all through my legs. My head hurt like a migraine about to begin. I can't explain the unanswered questions that were flashing before my mind. It's

incomprehensible that my son is gone. My son is dead. How and why? I later learned this sensation was a result of shock, grief, trauma, pain, loss, and my son's life flashing before my eyes. In the days that followed, I knew I had to get a handle on my visions and emotions, and not allow these overwhelming sensations to control me. I asked myself, over and over, How am I going to survive? My journey through grief over the next few minutes, hour(s), day(s) and the month(s) to come, was upon me in minutes. There is no time for preparation because you don't know what to prepare for. It’s a blur of muted noise. People come and people go. The phone rings, the dog needs to be fed. What time is it? Appointments? There are no appointments. How can I think about ing an appointment when I don't even know what is happening to my mind, my brain? I am unable to think. When will this turmoil stop? Will it go away, ever? Will these people ever go home and leave me alone? Where is everybody? Why have they left us? What do I do now? What do I do from this day forward? SOMEONE, PLEASE HELP ME, I AM NOT SURE WHAT TO DO OR WHERE TO GO! WHO TOOK MY LIFE AND BROKE IT INTO A 1000 PIECE PUZZLE. Ok……I have to get control of things. Why must I cry so much? Did I eat? God, I'm so tired……..where is Larry? What are Marsha and Melanie doing? I'm not sure if two days or three days have ed when I asked Marsha, "What day is it? Have I slept all this time?" Marsha said, “Mom, do you if you took the pills Karen left for you yesterday?” I hadn’t even ed Karen dropping by and leaving the pills to help me sleep. I knew I must have been awake sometime during the previous days. My body just wants a sense of normalcy now. Oh my, what is normal? What has happened to my normal? Hmmm, that’s interesting, normal, what is that? What will that be for me now? My mind could not make sense of things. The same thoughts and questions raced through my brain: Oh my god, my son is gone. He will not be back. How will I ever cope, survive, live another day beyond today? Please someone take this pain from me, don't make me bear another minute of this. Oh god, I can't do this alone. The tears fall uncontrollably. My poor daughters, how is this affecting them to

see me cry uncontrollably? Their younger brother, gone. I cry when I think of how close Melanie and Nick were, just four years apart. And then I cry even more at the memory of Marsha, my organized and detailed oldest child, who thought Nick needed more discipline as the youngest, and that he was spoiled. She did not like her brother and sister caring less about organizing their bedrooms or being responsible about their chores. My children had never really seen me show much emotion during their growing up. When my father died suddenly, I cried alone in my room after my mother asked me to pick up his ashes at the funeral home to save her paying $200 to have them delivered. I never shared my emotions around my children. I strongly believed I must be strong. I must always be strong and show my children I am here for them, no matter what, I am here for them. They can count on me always and they know I can handle anything. Why, I wonder, did I feel I had to be strong during the raising of my children? I certainly have no control over my emotions now even when I speak to myself harshly "to get a grip on this!" It's not working and right now, this very second, I don't want to have control over my emotions. I am not fully aware of who is around me. Who if anyone is watching me lose my strength or seeing me have no strength? I want to cry with no control over my emotions. I talk to myself to allow myself to lose control. I do finally lose control and sob. I often stop what I am doing to look for Larry. Where is he? What is he doing? Are my daughters being forced to make decisions for their parents? Bill, the funeral director, arrives at our home to discuss the funeral arrangements. I don't know what time of day it is, but does it matter? It's not like I need to clean or straighten up the house for the company because I can't see any mess. I cannot prepare a meal because I'm not sure what my responsibilities are. Am I even capable of preparing a meal? I am unsure. Someone must tell me. I am not capable of responsibilities as my brain feels like it's in pieces. No human being can make responsible decisions or even be responsible for themselves when their brain is in pieces. Can they? Who should be responsible for me? I am the mom! I am 48 ½ years old! Please, I should be responsible for myself, but I don't want to be, not right now, just for another day, ok?

My daughters seem to have it all under control. They are talking with the funeral director about the songs and the pictures they want to use. They are going to design a bookmark for all the people who visit the funeral home to take home with them. How can the girls seem so together? I have a couple of things to say. I tell them that I want Nicholas to be cremated. I look at Larry, Nick's dad. I feel he should have something to say regarding his son's funeral planning. I look over at Larry and he doesn't seem like he knows what is happening right now. Why is that? We are all part of this planning thing. Why can't Larry be a part too? He seems so distant. I feeling very strongly about having everything at our house. Bill (the funeral director) suggests the funeral should be at the funeral home. People can come to our house after the funeral. Bill makes good sense. Why can he make good sense? I have trouble thinking about what's good and what's not a good thought. Bill is very pleasant and thoughtful with us while planning Nick's funeral. Oh my god, I never thought I would be planning my son's funeral. I don't this in our marriage courses. We are Catholic and there was nothing in our required marriage courses about your children dying before their parents. It's coming again. I can feel the wave of emotions, hitting me like a high wind smashing the waves against the shores. I say to myself, "no not right now, this is not a good time to sob, uncontrollably. This will upset others in the room. Someone, get me the instruction book to life. I don't receiving one when I got married and starting having children." It's decided: Nicholas's cowboy boots will hold his ashes. Nicholas enjoyed his cowboy apparel. He cherished his velvet black cowboy hat, his black boots, and his John Deere belt buckle. A memory flickers through my mind of Nicholas’s tall, lean handsome self dressed to attend a rodeo, smiling his beautiful smile and singing Kenny Chesney’s, “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy.” The memory makes me smile for a moment, as if Nicholas is trying to cheer me up, and then I dissolve into sobs. When I look into his bedroom, I am overcome with sharp waves of grief. Oh my god, what do I do with all his stuff? His room is full of his freshly laundered clothes. His computer setup. His phone, wallet, and keys sit on his bedside table. A picture of his girlfriend on his night table so he could smile and say goodnight before he went to sleep. This is all I have left of my 20-year-old son. Oh my god,

it's coming again. The tears are flowing and my family looks at me like….what is her problem? I know they all know that it's ok to cry. It's ok to not be able to control your tears, so I allow myself to cry and then receive a hug from my daughters. I can't seem to think. I can't stop the tears at times. I don't like feeling so sad and hurt and feeling the pain of the loss of my son. Then the thought of the loss by suicide is so unbearable. Thoughts like WHY? What must he have been feeling to take his life? Oh my god, where was I? I am sure I didn't miss any signs. I am afraid to too hard in case I something important, like what if he asked me for help. Did I know that and forget to help him? Was I supposed to have seen something? Nicholas, I am sorry, I don't know if I wasn't there for you! Shit, I always have put my kids first and foremost, or did I? I refuse to think anymore because it hurts too much. I am not responsible for my thinking because I am grieving. I am a good mother, I am a good person, I know it, but my brain--those pieces that make me doubt myself--say otherwise. I hate it. It's been two days since I was told Nicholas, my son, is never coming home. I will never hear his voice again. I will never hear, “Pen, get a life!" I will not hear him call out to me, “Hey Pen, listen to this song, it's Johnny Cash singing “Folsom Prison Blues.”” Nicholas, who was tall, slender and neat, was always concerned about his "presentation" or his appearance. I’d often see him in front of a mirror, fussing with his hair because it had to be just so and lay neat. It had to shine and be held in place perfectly with lots of spray. Nicholas took more time in the bathroom and his room to get ready than any female I ever knew of. I laugh to myself as I think of those memories. His aftershave lotion and the minty scent of his toothpaste is still very present upstairs. I wonder if the smell will ever fade. Even though I would always close his bedroom door to keep the heavy scent of his hair spray and men’s cologne out, now I am already searching for memories. This is all I have of him right now and I want to savor it. Does that mean I believe he is gone? Now I will have the bathroom to myself and no one else to share it with. I will never have the opportunity to clean up his mess in the kitchen. I wonder, did I complain too much and it upset him? I wonder if I said something I shouldn't have before Nicholas left the house that Saturday around noon. WHY can't I

? Why, why, why? I don't think I want to know, now. The answers don't matter to me because Nicholas is not here and my brain is in pieces and it doesn't know what it wants to hear or even if it needs to know the answer. I don't have answers. No one has answers. I can't make them up because it's not fair to Nicholas to think I know when I don't.

2

The Funeral

Day three arrives and we are preparing for the funeral. All around our house are photos of Nicholas: ones I vividly are of him as a young boy riding a four wheeler and tipping it over at the back of our property and another of him reading a book to a young boy who was visiting him in the backyard. Pictures throughout the house of Nicholas are somewhat comforting, yet, painful because Nicholas is a memory. His school graduation pictures are heartbreaking. He’d rented a white tuxedo, everything from top to bottom was white. Even his shoes. My gosh what a sight he was. He looked like a grown man at age twenty. He could be very responsible yet sometimes be the young college student he was. I need both comforting and painful memories now. Everything hurts. I am tired emotionally and physically exhausted. My face and skin hurt from crying and wiping my eyes. How long will I feel like this? Oh my god, is this normal? Is this what happens to other people that have a son die by suicide? Are there others like me? Have others had to go through the past few days like what I have, my family has? Oh my, how did they do it? Did they make it through this ungodly pain? How long can I do this? I don't know if I want to make it through this horrible grief. I want to die right now and stop all this pain and hurt. What will become of me when and if I ever get over this grief for my son? Could I take my life too? Could I by the grief and pain stage and just die? Oh my gosh, how could I think like that? I don't want to die. My daughters would have to go through all of this again! How could they? And Larry needs me. Nicholas's dad, my husband, we need each other. A funeral takes so much preparation. It takes so much of my strength that I don't have. My daughters are doing an amazing job. How are they managing? I know they are hurting yet they are caring for each day and planning their brother’s

funeral. I'm leaning on them and trusting them to make the decisions for their parents. The girls are very responsible women. Marsha ed government services and notified them of Nicholas's death. They have designed the book marker filled with memories of Nicholas. They wrote a poem together for the back of the marker. They picked out the music for the funeral service including one of Nick’s favourites that got him in trouble at a bar, “Hold My Beer, While I Kiss Your Girlfriend,” by Aaron Pritchett. He was being a smartass with his buddies. The song was playing and he went up to a guy and asked him to hold his beer while he kissed his girlfriend. Well, needless to say, there was a bar brawl. Nick came home with a black eye. Why, why are my daughters responsible when Nicholas got the same upbringing and he is dead?

Funerals are uncomfortable times. An older family member came through the line of people and whispered to me, "Where is he?" I was puzzled for a second and then it came to me. "Nicholas was cremated and his ashes are in his cowboy boots,” I said, pointing to the boots among the display of items that were a part of his life. People say the darndest things. Stupid things that shouldn't be said to anyone, let alone a parent who is grieving the loss of her son. I found comfort in Nick's friends who came up to us after the funeral to introduce themselves. Nicholas made friends very easily. He would speak to a stranger. He was not shy, and he was always happy to help anyone in need. One time a police officer had gotten stuck in the snow on the side of the road. Nicholas and his friend Jason stopped and pushed the officer’s patrol car out of the snow and back onto the road. He got totally wet and muddy, but never complained. Many people told us that their lives had been touched by Nick throughout his short twenty-year life. They told us that once Nick borrowed their truck and came back with it filled with pumpkins so he could decorate their townhouse for Halloween. Nick liked to celebrate St. Patty’s Day because that was his birthday. He and his friends would go to the bar and drink green beer and listen to country music. So many people came to express their condolences to us that we hardly had a snack, coffee or dinner leftover. There seemed to be no end to the people. It's a horrific thing to go through and to get through. Meeting people when you are in a state of grief and pain, yet you stand for hours and hours to accept condolences. We had so many people wanting to see us. We had a great outdoor event after the funeral at Nick's home place. The yard was full of more people. Did we miss anyone? I was so exhausted at the end of the funeral. It made me very susceptible to being emotional because I was so tired. My immune system felt depleted. After those couple of days, I flopped down in a chair and all I could think was, my son is dead. I am still on day one in pain and grief, but it's day five and I feel no better. There are now thousands of dollars to pay for the funeral. There are flower arrangements that could line the streets with colour and beauty. I look at it all and, again, ask, why? I feel empty. And now I am left with doing something

with many vases of flower arrangements. It seems impossible that the cemetery is now my son's home. His place at the family home is gone. Yet, I feel he is still here. His after-shave, his toothpaste, his clothes, his room is his room still. I am so angry. And I feel lost. We are still receiving cards, calls, and visitors. It's all so unreal. I feel so bewildered and confused. The funeral is over but the pain is still so very raw. I have felt this pain when my daughter Laura died, then my father. But, Nicholas, I feel such grief, loss and pain. Not physical pain but emotional pain. This pain was not visible to those who saw me in person. They saw the news of my son dying and then they saw me and sadness. They began to feel uncomfortable in their skin. The unspoken topic of suicide makes people feel anxious. Dying by cancer is an acceptable death. Dying by suicide leaves people speechless and full of questions. There is the unknown about suicide. How could someone take their own life. How could a person harm themself to the point of death? Many do not understand mental health pain. I for one. Then it was time to take care of the details of my son’s life before death: call the bank, social insurance office, pay income tax and his bank loan for the school that we were responsible for. We took his truck off the road and donated it to Teen Challenge, a place where teenagers go to get help with their addictions. Then Nick's boss showed up to give us his last two weeks of pay. Honestly, it was so overwhelming that weeks after the funeral, it was like day one again.. Larry was told he only had three days for bereavement time and if he was to be off any longer, he would have to use holiday time. Like really, three days of bereavement time is so ridiculous when your son dies of suicide. Three days is like you haven't even woken up yet. My concern was him functioning properly and safely at work. He worked for the road department operating heavy equipment. He did not go back to work right away because he used his holiday time because nothing mattered. He was not able to focus outside the loss. One afternoon while I was working in the hallway, right outside Nick's room, I heard a phone ring. Larry was in the bedroom across from Nick’s room. We both looked at each other. Honestly, I couldn't move toward the phone till after the fourth ring. I thought it was a call to tell me Nicholas was alive and wanted to talk to me. I grabbed the phone and said, "Hello." A quiet, weeping young girl's

voice said, "Oh, I'm sorry I wanted to hear Nick's voice." I recognized the voice and said, "I’m sorry, call back, I won't pick up." I knew it would go to the answering machine. I waited for about 10 minutes and then I called Nick's phone. I had no code to alter his messages. But that wasn't my purpose for calling. I wanted to hear Nick's voice too. I felt weak and emotional waiting for his message. "Hi, this is Dr. Nick here, leave your message and I'll call you back." Oh my, I let out a laugh. I couldn't believe how good it felt to hear his voice and funny message. We decided to leave Nick's phone active for about three to four months longer in case someone wanted to call it to hear their friend's voice because that's all there was left.

3

People and Their Attitude

People do not see you when they meet you on the street, they see pain and grief, and then they feel uncomfortable. When I saw someone I knew crossing the street so they would not have to speak to me, I knew when they saw me, they thought "I don't know what to say," or "I am not up to speaking to her," or "I couldn't do it." I felt like I had a communicable disease and they might catch it from me if they come too close! There were times when I knew people avoided me so they didn't have to say anything to me or my pain. They thought for some crazy reason they needed to fix whatever happened to me/my family. So many were uncomfortable with approaching us in the community. They only needed to say "I don't know what to say" and then say no more. It would have put both of us at ease. Nope, most times the mouth went on and on about nothing. They were unable to see the marble look in my eyes. I couldn't hear one word they were saying. They lost me from, "I'm sorry, I don't know what to say blah blah blah." More people over the next couple of weeks came and went. They made comments I could not understand, like, "I am so sorry that your son was so selfish. He was thinking of himself when he did what he did." Think for a moment! My son was not selfish. I feel angry that this person said something bad about my son. My son is dead. How can anyone say something bad to me, the mother? I think "I don't like this person." I become quiet and don't talk too much to this person so they will go home. One person said, "Is it true he did this because his girlfriend broke up with him?" I think hard about what this person has said to me. My stomach begins to hurt. I feel angry again and find myself quickly defending my son. I say "No, no, that's not true. We don't know why. We don't know anything about why Nicholas took his life." I have fast-moving thoughts through my scattered brain about Nicholas and his girlfriend breaking up and what must have happened. Not only do I wonder about Nicholas's feelings when he spoke to his girlfriend on the phone before he took his life, but

I wonder about his girlfriend and what she had said to him when he called her late at night. I know her mother will make sure she is well cared for now that she is grieving. I have told her she did what she had to do at the time of the late phone call. I would hold nothing against her. No one could have known what Nick would do. No, no one would kill themselves because of a breakup! I feel it starting up again. The emotions are overcoming me. The tears are streaming down my face. The person is feeling uncomfortable now for saying that awful statement to me. How could a person say this to me, the mother? No comion at a time of need. People can be so cruel. Family and friends can be cruel too. How can they be so cruel, don't they know I am hurting and grieving the loss of my son. My only son. My youngest born. The first two weeks felt like something else was inside my body giving me directions and keeping me alive. I couldn't do anything on my own. I would sit up in bed, but felt unable to get out of bed. I felt like crying if I stepped out of bed because I would start my day with Nicholas still not there. Someone must have put four D batteries in me and that's what kept me moving, walking, and talking and just being present. I couldn't bring myself to make breakfast, lunch or dinner because I was not hungry. My body was physically present, but my mind was everywhere, out there in the universe. Things slowed down around a month later. People stopped coming. The phone stopped ringing. Not much mail arrived. I didn't have a clue when I vacuumed last. Has enough time ed that I should grocery shops? My head hurts to think about that. Oh my, did I pay the bills? I don't care. I just don't want to think about anything. Larry and I went to purchase a tombstone. We had to make a place for people to visit Nick at his new home alongside his big sister Laura, who died earlier from Tay-Sachs at four years of age. They will both comfort each other. I now have many, many thank you cards to send out. I sat at my computer and with a special program, I started sending card after card after card. I was exhausted but wouldn't stop until they were all in the mail. One day while in Nick's room I was standing in a daze in disbelief asking myself

if this was happening. There sits Nick's wallet and truck keys neatly placed with his cell phone. A few seconds and the phone rang. I stood nearby while I thought about that poor girl, listening to her friend’s voice and getting some comfort while she grieves the loss of her friend. We would receive the odd phone call from a family member requesting we come over to visit and have dinner. We never went out anywhere for dinner. We didn't feel like leaving our house. Neighbours across the road invited us to a 50th birthday party and we couldn't bring ourselves to attend. We didn't go. We had been at the neighbours house across the road at a BBQ the night our son left the house to go to a party and he never returned home. People just don't understand it. They don't get it. When you're grieving the loss of your son by suicide, you may not want to leave your house, your home. You feel lost and empty and hurt and sad. It was three months after Nick's death when my eldest daughter said she wanted to hold a golf tournament in memory of Nicholas. Nicholas did golf somewhat. I'm not so sure he was as good at it as he said. What he liked most of all was the social end of it. We did it and had a phenomenal event. It was an emotional one for us and family and friends who all pulled together to have such a successful and healing event. Family gathered with donated items. The cousins volunteered to be at the holes that needed guidance for golfers. So many golfers expressed how well organized the event was and that they looked forward to next year. Any money made went towards Nick's bank loan for college. The event raised $22,000. This day-long event made me feel like there was no stigma or taboo because of all the fun and laughter throughout the day. It was wonderful to be around people that ed a cause. These people were so positive and happy that it wasn't hard to understand why the event was so successful. We sat down and discussed notifying the media to let the community know we were ok. Marsha knew a couple journalists she had met while in college courses. So we let her meet and chat about what we wanted the media to focus on: We are grieving but surviving. The response was unbelievable. We met people on the street and they thanked us for letting them know we were ok. It shows people just don't know how to act around those left behind after the suicide of a loved one. Even funeral homes thought it best to leave the family alone and give them privacy. I told them no, don't encourage shame. There is no

shame when a loved one dies by suicide. There is no shame when someone dies of cancer. This is where the shame and guilt and taboo come from, uneducated people. I knew my goal was to educate people about suicide loss. I went to work every day very reluctantly. My job was data entry. The company made window replacements. I had a 50 minute drive on the 401 at 6:30 am and many things began happening to me. I would cry every morning as soon as I had to get on the freeway. I started having anxiety attacks. I would have to pull over and get off the highway. The manager and my coworker showed no empathy or comion. I'm convinced they were incapable of those qualities. This made work impossible to go to. So, yes, I left. I wasn't able to educate the workplace yet, it was too early in my grief loss. I needed to get out of the environment instead of facing them every morning.

4

Resources and

When I was grieving the loss of my son by suicide, I did not know where to start looking for resources or . I wasn’t even sure what I wanted or needed from others. I was already feeling emotional and defeated before I had even started my research. I reaching out to the local Community Health Services, asking if there was a group or if they would consider starting one up. I knew I was not alone in my grief. My son had many family and friends in our local community, along with his high school friends from the neighbouring community. I was told they had no group and it probably would be best if we started our own. I had to get through this pain. I couldn’t just feel sad that there was no group, so Melanie and I started one. We were hit with tragic news while setting up a group. Two months after Nicholas died by suicide, his best friend Jason, died by suicide by similar methods. Our journey was starting over again. Same community, many of the same friends. Jason was in pain with guilt over the loss of his friend, Nick. For our first group, we ed as many people as we could and informed them of the date, time, and location of our first meeting. I was determined to have a place where family and friends who had survived my son’s death could come and talk, share, and listen to others share their heartfelt sorrow. That evening, as I waited to begin the meeting, I was astonished to see the room filling up with family, friends and other of the community who had lost a loved one to suicide. My gut feeling was right about the need for a gathering. We sat in a circle to have a safe space for all to hear, speak or sit quietly and observe. This carried on for months until people got back to their lives. That of course wasn’t true for Nick’s family. We were grieving still. Our plans to educate and provide resources to survivors began with the suicide awareness products to address the shame and taboo. We wanted to let the survivors know they were not alone. We formed a survivor of suicide loss committee with a couple of high school students and a youth group organizer.

We began plans for our first September 10th suicide prevention walk and a flag raising ceremony so the community could participate and learn about suicide postvention. We designed suicide awareness bracelets in blue and purple and made of silicone and had someone cares about you written across the top and on the bottom a Kids Help Line phone number. We made purple car magnets shaped like a ribbon and had survivors of suicide loss scripted on the ribbon. The intent was to sell and raise awareness and funds for our committee. The products sold very well. Other organizations that did not have the funds for awareness products called us and bought ours for their community events. I read many books on suicide loss. One was The Brain, which I was afraid to read because it might mention a case similar to Nicholas’s. I never finished it. It was mentally and emotionally exhausting day after day as I pushed through the materials to get to what filled my appetite for knowledge. Dr Jack Jordan wrote books on Postvention. Dr Frank Campbell wrote on grief. Dr Allan Wolf wrote on grief, pain, and loss. Dr Diana Sands was known for her grief material for kids. My search for understanding broadened as Melanie and I attended conferences and workshops on Suicide Prevention that were located an hour to three hours drive away. It seemed like more resources were available on Suicide Prevention and little on Suicide Postvention. We then decided to put a Suicide Postvention display together to set up at those conferences. We certainly knew a lot about Suicide Postvention. We were the experts so many expressed a desire to learn from. We met lots of people, networked, and gave our names and email to all. There was much interest in what we had to say. I had no idea the challenge I had ahead of me to gain respect and to appreciate our knowledge for who we were and what we had experienced. I will talk more about being vulnerable at this stage later in this book, the chapter on vulnerability. The holidays were so difficult. I had just had Mother's Day with my children before Nick took his life. Larry never got his Father's Day that year with his son. It was painful for Larry as we would look at each other and feel our hurt. Many times throughout the first year, we would silently hold each other and cry and never speak a word. There were times when we wanted to say something to one another and just couldn't get it out, as neither one wanted to trigger the pain response emotion. We later shared how we had both felt that way and tried to save the other from hurting. It was a constant up and down of emotions, hurt, pain, sadness, and so goes the journey of grief.

My alternative health doctor told me, "Penny, grief can take approximately eighteen months of your physical health before your body may come around." I mostly my cloudy brain. I had great difficulty sorting through things. If there were more than one thing happening at a time, it would upset me because I couldn't think without feeling overwhelmed. I had physical symptoms like anxiety, memory loss, digestive problems, headaches, confusion and disorientation, and depression-like symptoms. I would feel a great deal of sadness and emptiness. None of which were unusual. I am very thankful for my health practitioner who was well educated and updated on my health during grief. During this time of grief, our daughter Melanie and Ryan had plans to marry on June 30, 2007. Nick was supposed to stand up in their wedding. The planning was difficult, as we had so much grief to deal with and yet wanted to be so joyful for our daughter’s wedding. The event truly came off beautifully. Though there were tears during the wedding ceremony by many, they could be ed off as tears of joy for a beautiful bride on a beautiful day. Hard to celebrate my daughter's wedding while her brother Nicholas was not there to share in her day. Life goes on some would say, and I say we must go on, despite loss, grief and pain. I had the drive and determination to survive the suicide loss of my dear son Nicholas. Today, thirteen years later, I still have that drive and determination to survive my journey through grief. Now, however, I am determined to provide suicide postvention resources to help survivors of suicide loss know there is life after a tragic loss to suicide. My calls to health professionals seemed to have fallen on deaf ears when I asked about resources in my community for suicide postvention I constantly heard the same thing: "No, sorry we don't" and “No, I don’t know who to refer you to, either.” I guess that's when I decided to ask myself, "What am I looking for?" and "What do I need to help me get through today, tomorrow?" I decided to Dr. Jack Jordan in the fall of 2007. We saw him speak at a workshop and I approached him to come to our small rural community. The following year, in May of 2008, Dr Jack Jordan did a workshop for us west of London, Ontario. It was time for us to have more postvention workshops and invite well-known suicide grief speakers. We held five workshops over five years. The response across Ontario proved that there was a high demand for postvention educational information. Many health professionals felt at a loss on how to suicide

loss survivors. Every workshop was attended by survivors of suicide loss and mental health professionals along with Aboriginals of the Six Nations, Emergency Service responders, and Police Officers. So much new and wonderful material was provided. I found the demand was so great for these workshops, I continued offering them to educate and provide a network for mental health organizations along with hospital staff and gambling casino staff. Ontario had a toll free distress line that they sent their volunteers to attend. I made the decision that more work needs to be done in the postvention field. I continued my mission as more survivors of suicide loss ed me to share their stories. They too were looking for the unknown after their loved one died. Sharing their stories comforted them, and I benefited greatly as well. One of the most important steps to take after surviving suicide loss is to have a safe space to tell our stories. From these conversations, I created a postvention package containing grief material specific to survivors of suicide loss along with self-care tips because it was clear from my experience that this is what we as survivors needed. I placed these packages with the funeral homes within a hundred kilometres of my community. I had asked to have these packages given to the families who had lost a loved one to suicide. They agreed. Soon, our local Elgin Victim Services (EVS), a first responder organization, ed me when they heard about my packages and wanted to share them with survivors of suicide loss. What a great idea. Change happens when more than one person seeks to help others. EVS also asked me to speak with their volunteers about the needed after a loved one died by suicide. They had sent out their volunteer ladies the night Nicholas had died, but it was the beginning of a new service and the volunteers really didn't know what to do. I have been providing training to the volunteers of EVS for ten years. When I discovered that Alberta, Canada had a Hope & Healing guide through a suicide grief booklet, I was determined that Ontario should have one as well. I ed the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH) and after some discussion, they decided to Alberta and copy the necessary information needed and then provide the Ontario s and general information to assist survivors on what to do after their loved one dies by suicide. I was so pleased to have the first Ontario Hope & Healing After Suicide booklet for survivors. I also researched and discovered that the United States has a Suicide Alliance that offers a Survivors of Suicide Loss DVD. I spearheaded a Canadian Survivors of Suicide Loss DVD in 2010. I successfully fundraised and gained the muchneeded to plan, organize, and survivors of suicide loss to share

their stories on a DVD for survivors. I facilitated the “Survivors of Suicide Loss” (SOSL) in discussion for the DVD. This DVD can be purchased through me by going to my website thesurvivalseries.com and filling out the Me page. It took six months to prepare, meet with the SOSL , and help them feel safe and comfortable in a nonjudgmental environment. It was important for all the to talk openly about the story of their loss. The DVD focuses on only positive things that helped survivors move forward in their grief. You can find more about the Canadian DVD for SOSL videos on YouTube. There are more than 65,000 views. I'm glad it's helpful. https://youtu.be/P-6KwKuS-Ao. This DVD is the of SOSL that talks about their experiences through their loss. They tell a short bit about their story. https://youtu.be/Xu5UF4ChrPA. This DVD is about Nicholas’s sisters and their story of their loss. They also share how they did not see signs of Nick not doing well: https://youtu.be/G9v9iIVKi_g is a Mother’s story. I share my story of my journey through grief, loss and pain. This ultimately leads to my advocacy work. I still receive comments from many who thank me for providing the videos and who add their grief and pain about their loss. It's a well-needed resource and material seen from across the world. I am proud of my accomplishments with Survivors of Suicide Loss resources. I also have an ebook on a self help booklet “How To Startup A Survivors Group” available at online retailers. Please feel free to your copy. It's helpful to know what helps you heal. Read and reread!

5

Vulnerability

First, let's look at what the English language dictionary says about the meaning of vulnerable: “able to be easily physically, emotionally, or mentally hurt, influenced, or attacked." A Google search comes up with: "employees must be better trained in how to deal with vulnerable young people" and this is very true. The problem is, who is trained to train people on how to deal with vulnerable people of all ages? I was not aware of a program available to teach people about vulnerability. My first in-my-face encounter with feeling vulnerable was the day in 2007 when I set up a Suicide display at the busy local market. I was displaying the bright purple/blueish silicone bracelets that our Survivors of Suicide Loss organization had worked with a marketing company to design and make. They were and still are a hit. People stopped by to ask me about my display and the purpose, and I would say, “It’s for suicide awareness.” They reacted as if they had smelled something bad and even like there was an X-rated picture on my board. The word suicide was so alarming to them. Then when I said my son had died by suicide a few months earlier, one woman froze on the spot. She dropped her head and I thought I would have to hold her up to keep her from ing out. Some would show a sympathetic look, as if to say how sorry they felt, but no words were spoken. Many people were shocked that I was standing there telling my story a few months after my loss. A few thanked me for being so courageous. A little girl, about five or six years old, approached the table for a beautiful bracelet. I handed it to her and she smiled so brightly. Her mother asked me, "What are these for?" I replied, "If someone is at risk of suicide there is a hotline to call here on the bracelet." The mother frantically took the bracelet from her child's wrist and put it back on the table and scurried away. I was taken back a bit, but nevertheless, I had to smile as more people ed by to look at my table. A woman stopped in front of my table and was reading the display board with narrowed eyes. I said, "Have you lost someone to suicide?” The woman shook her head quietly saying NO NO NO, still shaking her head as she walked away like she was shocked at the word suicide on my display. I again

kept my composure and smiled at people ing by as they never heard what the previous people had said or done because it was busy and there was lots of noise around us. A nurse stopped and spoke very kindly and gave encouragement for my work in the public. One person shared their story from long-ago of a cousin who had died by suicide, but the family had not known it was suicide. She said it was all hush, hush, and it was thought of a sickness that they had died from. It was years later when she found out it was suicide. She said she was shocked how it had been kept hush-hush. All day long at my display, I had been confronted by constantly confused looks and disapproving faces, one after another. It was exhausting. I was beginning to feel so defeated and emotional that my display was being judged by people who did not know my story. I felt furious they were judging me. I was about to pack up my display so as not to show the public how I was on the verge of breaking down when a friend who is a survivor of suicide loss called me and asked if she could come to sit with me and help with the display. This friend had lost her husband many years earlier and had not gone public with that information as the stigma and taboo around suicide kept her quiet. She came out publicly because she heard what I was doing. When she arrived, I welcomed her with a hug. I felt so much better having someone to be in public with since I was new at survivor of suicide loss awareness education. I learned from this experience to not do public awareness unless I felt I had a backup plan or was more experienced and confident at what I was doing. I realized I needed an energetic body armour to protect me from those people who were uneducated about suicide and wanted to attack me. My new plan began by educating people about suicide through awareness. I began speaking publicly in 2009 at the Sarnia Hospice about suicide loss, and feelings of vulnerability continued to plague me. I accepted invitations in the spring and fall of 2009 to do a public talk with a PowerPoint to keep me on track as well as to assist visual learners. All my public presentations were so very well accepted by those in attendance. I did this for more than four years. I had PowerPoint presentations made using my personal experiences and the well known Dr Jack Jordan had online resources I borrowed with his permission. I would tweak my information to my audience by adding their community resources and phone lines available to them. Many attendees took my information to me at a later date or possibly to speak about suicide

awareness in their own communities or work environments. I would always prepare myself for public presentations because I could not allow myself to be emotionally vulnerable. I would go into a meditation-like state, and it was like I had stepped out of my life of pain and was a healed presenter. I was uncertain how I would handle being drawn into someone's personal experience when I was being vulnerable by telling my raw story to an audience of 75-100. One time Larry, Nick’s father, was sitting in the front row while I was presenting. I accidentally glanced across the front row at him and saw him in tears. I called him out by introducing him to the group as my husband and said that he was not supposed to be sitting where I can see him. The group broke out laughing at my statement. But, it was for the purpose of covering up my impulse to break down upon seeing him. Whenever I completed my public talk, I couldn't wait to get home in my bed to lay in the fetal position and hold myself for three days. I couldn't understand why this would happen to me. I soon found it to be my way of grieving. And yet, my determination to educate overrode my fear of feeling exposed and vulnerable. I became strong enough to put together my PowerPoint presentation so that it was tailored to the community I was going to speak at. I would research the phone numbers of mental health hotlines and police lines. I would call each to the number was legitimate. I stressed to organizations and charities and mental health workplaces that when phone numbers are listed for the public, please, please, do not give the number to anyone without checking it out. The reason is if someone is truly suicidal and they pull out your numbers and the first "number is no longer in service please check your number" automated voice recording can cause a person to give up. When a person is at the point that they will reach out for help, the resource had better be good. It needs to be a legitimate . It should also be a live person as the person at risk has little room to trust and needs to be heard right at that moment. Tell the person at risk that when they call a or hotline number, they might have to leave a message and to be patient because a live person will call them back in 5-10 minutes as they might be on the phone with someone else. They will call you back. The person at risk will know they will have . This is important. I during my advocacy presentations not understanding my emotions. I couldn't put a name to them. I couldn't understand why I felt like I was uncomfortable talking about suicide postvention, even though I knew this topic by heart. Then it was talking about suicide postvention, intervention, and

prevention. I then came across Brene Brown's YouTube presentations on "The Power of Vulnerability,” (https://youtu.be/iCvmsMzlF7o) and “Listening to Shame,” (https://youtu.be/psN1DORYYV0)! Her YouTube videos helped me understand what was happening to me when I was in the public eye. I got it! It’s being vulnerable. Then I got confident! And then my public presentations became much better. I received a phone call in August 2007 from a local radio station 1290AM, London, Ontario in regards to our golf tournament. A radio announcer, Andy Oudman, wanted me to tell my story about the reason behind our event. We talked on the radio for maybe fifteen minutes. I told my story and described our golf tournament’s goal to raise money to help pay Nick’s school loan from the bank. This same radio would call me three to four times a year if there was a suicide or an anniversary date. We became good friends and we got a lot of media coverage for our events. A reporter from the neighbouring town newspaper ed me and asked, "Give me something positive to write a story about in the paper because my boss won't let us talk about suicide unless it's positive!" I said, "I'm still here and alive, and that's as positive as it gets, wouldn't you say?" We made the full front page of the newspaper. WOW, I was excited! Then I wondered, how could I be so excited about having my son’s suicide story on the front page of a newspaper that would be read by approximately 30-40,000 people? I soon knew why: Businesses and individuals began ing me to suicide postvention awareness by attending the golf tournaments we had been holding each year. That's why it was positive news. But the biggest lesson I learned about myself was that I had to become vulnerable by opening up and telling my story and educating others about suicide postvention. I did it! Subsequently, I received many opportunities to participate in changing the way Canadians viewed suicide through mental illness. I also received an invitation to sit on a task force for 18 months to create a working document that would become protocol for those entering the emergency department at risk of suiciding. The goal for the 147-hospital emergency departments across Ontario was zero suicides. I was honoured to participate and make hospitals suicide safer for those entering with thoughts of suicide. I felt ionate about ing other survivors and wrote a "How to Startup a

Survivors of Suicide Loss Group" hand booklet in February 2016 which is now available as an Ebook through Amazon. https://thesurvivalseries.com/ Each time I found I was not confident or felt lacking in education and knowledge in a field that I knew little about, I would research and ask people who had experience in that field. When I started to advocate for survivors of suicide loss, I reached out to other survivors and listened to their heartfelt stories. I heard their pain, grief, loss, and suffering. We connected and that is how I educated myself to become confident to give presentations and create resources. No one else was doing it. No one knew how to be vulnerable to survivors of suicide loss, known as postvention. I understood the great need for resources and information, and that's why I am successful in doing my work because it's the raw truth of reality that I lived and others have lived and survived. Sadly, some did not survive their loss. They might not have received the help they needed in time to survive. Many survivors didn't know about resources, such as the "Reasons to Live" campaign, that Your Life Counts, Inc worked so hard to make available as a tool for people to assist them in staying alive. I have worked with the CEO, Rory (Ruaraidh) Butler, on many occasions, including on marketing campaigns. He has a great organization assisting people to stay alive. It’s nice to know other charity organizations to communicate with when things are tough or when you’ve made a positive breakthrough. As time went on, my post traumatic growth was my self-confidence replacing my feelings of vulnerability. But there will always be a small percentage of vulnerability that sneaks in because I am human.

6

Relationships

It seemed impossible to find some normalcy in my life because of the effects of my grief, loss, pain, and emotion. It was truly something I was unfamiliar with in my daily life. I could get away with ignoring the body and mind, sometimes for part of a day. Then it was time to feed the bear. The bear I refer to was my grief and pain postvention. I would either get busy with outside chores or inside projects, depending on what satisfied the bear. I worked every day and couldn't tolerate my co-worker's issues. It got under my skin when they would ask, "Why are you still like this?" or "You know you should get help." My manager started to tell me the same things. You know why they said these things? Because I wasn't laughing or entertaining them as I did before my loss. It was their problem to get past the need to bug me about being who I was before my loss. That person was gone. This was the new me and already my coworkers were judging. I stayed for eighteen months and then moved on. I wasn't going to change or educate them as it was too soon for me to attempt that. During this time, my best friend since grade nine and I drifted apart because I could see her struggling with her beliefs and mine, and it was mine that mattered. I refused to allow the old school, uneducated lives into my life. I couldn't have it. It was detrimental to my health and well being. Other friends I saw less of over the months and then years. I hardly noticed them drifting away except at times when I looked for a coffee friend and realized the time that had ed. I did meet new friends who were more in line with suicide loss, including online friends as well as other suicide loss advocates. It was very enlightening to connect with them through Skype or FaceTime. People across the world and I are having a coffee together while I’m in my bed in my pjs and sharing stories of either our loss or our family or jobs. The wave of grieving came and went after a couple of years ed. I did have our yearly golf tournament to plan and that started four months ahead to get financial and prize donations. It was fun for the first five years.

After that, it became an effort to approach the same businesses and people each year. When you approach people for donations, you tell them over and over the reason for the cause. I would tell them what we have accomplished over the past year and that's where the money went. I noticed a change in their attitude. For instance, one guy said, "Are you still doing that?" I thought to myself, Am I still doing that? Did you think my son is alive now so we can stop the suicide education and awareness? Stupid people pop up everywhere and at any time. Their discomfort was flung in my face, and I was the one who ended up feeling bad about asking for donations! This same business man told me, “We now have something in common, my wife’s nephew took his life.” I said my condolences and he never ed us again. I saw the number of our ers dwindle, golfers were no longer available, and some previous s never returned my calls or messages. It was time to do something else. Change it up and keep the suicide awareness alive and well. I decided to stop holding the golf tournaments. I know it was disappointing for my daughters because they enjoyed the entertainment and with people. They were very outgoing. But I had to think about myself. I was the one who asked people for their and received messages of "We are busy and are unable to attend this year." I had to distance myself from the disappointment of the loss of ers. It felt like I was grieving the loss of all those who were once excited to participate in the golf tournament no longer were interested. Our suicide awareness walks and the flag-raising ceremony died along with the conferences and workshops. Hey, suicide is still taking lives, did people think it was only around for a limited time? Wrong! It's 24/7. Ask me, I know, because my grief was here every minute of every day of every week of every month that grew into years. That was my normal life. I took some time away to rethink my focus. I began working more on developing resources and self-care.

7

Where Do I Go from Here?

When the dust settles, it's been a full year and I ask myself, now what? My family is still grieving. It's time to clean up Nick’s room. Although his dad wanted the room to stay as Nicholas had left it, I could not live with a museum of his belongings. I had the responsibility of sorting through Nick’s clothes and deciding what to do with them. When it came to all his preschool, elementary and high school crafts, work, journals and trophies I could only do as much as my head, stomach, and heart would allow me. I’m telling you I struggled so hard with his baby book and Track & Field ribbons. I decided to burn Nicholas’s awards and school items I had saved for him once he had a family. I also burned his school diplomacy, track ribbons, baby book, so much that I felt was unnecessary stuff. I couldn't imagine putting them in the dump because someone might find them and they would become a coffee discussion and get back to me or even one of the family. That would be devastating. I sobbed as I placed his baby book pages one at a time into the fire, while reading parts of my handwriting, “Nicholas has been colicky for days. I have had many sleepless nights,” “Nicholas has gained weight and grown in inches,” “Your baptism went great. Everyone had a chance to hold you.” And I sobbed as I read between the flames, “Your sisters adore you.” Damn it, damn you Nick, I didn’t know what was going on with you. I most other mothers felt so guilty that their child died by suicide because they felt it was their responsibility to have known their child was in pain. I DID NOT KNOW! How can a person feel guilty when they don’t know anything? They don’t see signs of struggling. What do I do now that his room is empty? The souvenirs of his childhood memories are gone. All his father asks is to keep his 8’x10’ picture in plain sight in the living room. I have. When this is complete, I am still left with pain, grief and hurt and emptiness. I now feel a bit angry because I had the full

responsibility of packing up and cleaning out Nick’s room. I know if I didn’t do it, it would still be there as long as we lived in the family home. Everyone is back to work full time and sad faces come home every night. This continues for months into years. Friends and family hold birthdays and weddings and graduations for their sons. No, we don’t feel like attending, thank you. Everyone wants to make you happy by celebrating their children’s lives. It’s difficult to believe that people are so dumb that they think they can make us feel better by celebrating or having a party. None of this will make grief stop or be more exciting. My son died! I don’t want to celebrate with anyone about anything. The more people push, the more we push back. We always attended anything our daughters put on. We left town for two weeks to paint and set up our daughter’s new home with her partner. It was great to get away from the community. When it was time to return, I cried and sobbed in the car on the freeway. I did not want to go back. But I did. Life goes on as best as it can. Waves of grief come and go. Our daughters were out of the house when Nick died, so the house was always quiet. Now our dog, Shagy, had turned really quiet and kept to himself after Nick died. I believe he missed Nick. One and half years later, Shagy died; he was lonely and I know how he felt. I continued to present community PowerPoints in Ontario. I did Elgin Victim Services training for their new volunteers twice a year. Often, someone would me to present to a mental health community. I stayed in touch with people who commented on the YouTube videos. Winter came and went. Another spring and summer were upon us and I did gardening. I kept close to survivors of suicide loss and got a call to go to the north part of my country to spend time with a couple families that had lost their sons to suicide. Neither one knew the other and they lived in a small community of two hundred people. I went back a couple years later to a cottage where a few mothers gathered to touch base and share our updates. I noticed a couple marriages were suffering after their loved one had died. I realized my marriage had taken a hard hit as both Nick’s dad and I grieved very differently. He said I was still walking ahead of him and he was behind. I replied

that he chose to walk with a ball and chain and I chose to put it down as I knew it would be there if I wanted to go back for it. Eight years after Nicholas died, we sold the home place to start a new chapter in our life.

8

Triggers

Iknew very little about triggers before Nicholas suicided. Today, I am well educated about them. I understand triggers happen because uneducated people say the stupidest things before thinking when they are responding to suicide deaths. Here is an example of an uneducated comment. I had to pick up some meat from the butcher three months after my son died. The butcher had met my son when we picked up our last batch of meat. He greeted me and said, "I am so sorry your son was so selfish to cause you pain by what he has done!" He was shaking his head. I waited to make eye and replied, "My son didn't do this to me. His pain took his life!" The man stared at me with glossy eyes. Now, I didn't mean to be cruel; I was only educating the uneducated. If I was listening to the radio and I heard the word "committed" suicide by someone, I would carefully listen to get the name of that person so as I could them and educate them on rephrasing the use of "committed" suicide. Let me share with you, in case you don't know, that the word "committed" is used when breaking the law. The act of suicide is not breaking the law. It's a myth that creates shame and taboo that carries on for years. One time I heard a tv host use the word "committed" and I immediately tweeted her the correct phrasing of "died by suicide," "suicided,"or "took their life," and asked her to please not use the word "committed" before the word suicide. She was put out by my tweet and refused to acknowledge it or to correct her language regarding suicide. To this day, and I have reminded this person more than once, she refuses to take my suicide terminology education. I believe anyone using the word “committed” must be responsible for researching the proper terminology. When I hear this type of language, I always ask that person to please not use the term "committed" suicide as it is harmful and hurtful in the name of those who have died by suicide. To ignore education is ignorance. Shame on that person.

Another trigger is when a person doesn’t mention a loved one who has died by suicide, it's inappropriate to hesitate and be silent like they are searching for the right word. The right word to say is (the name of the person) who died by suicide. If someone died from cancer or a sexually transmitted disease, the name would be spoken without hesitation and with an easy flow of words. The same regard should be given to those who have suicided. Let me clarify a few things. When a person dies by suicide, it's ok to speak their name. Especially during a memorial service, it's ok to say their name. Do not use the term "committed" before the word suicide. When Army, Police, Firefighter or EMS personnel died by suicide, they should be recognized as those who die while on the job. They would be if it was any other kind of death, so get rid of the stigma and taboo by accepting all methods of death as one. Also, it is not appropriate to talk about the way the person died. Do not announce the method of death as it is unnecessary to upset those loved ones. I will always advocate for those left behind after a suicide because that is who I am.

9

Veteran Survivors of Suicide Loss

Iwrite this chapter not because I have experienced a Veteran Survivor of Suicide Loss. It's because I have had with those veterans who have survived their loss of a comrade or friend to suicide. Many times they have survived their own attempt or the thought(s) of suicide. In the veterans' community, suicide has more stigma and taboo than within the general population. Why is that? Because veterans fight for our country? We consider them our heroes, strong, muscular, tough, invincible. Unfortunately, this is the way society interprets what the media portrays. The veterans and soldiers have a job to do. They are committed and determined to do what it takes to save their country. Save their comrade. Save themselves. And go home to their families. They are true heroes. The hero behind the scene is the family and friends of the Veterans. The near and dear to the hearts of our veterans are their families. They are the ones left behind when their husband or wife, son or daughter, father or mother, or any relative or community member goes off to fight for their country and returns a different person and leaves them again, for good, to suicide. The suicide leaves the worst kind of broken heart, pain, grief, and loss unimaginable to those who have never lost a loved one in this manner. My suicide loss is very different from veteran survivors of suicide loss. The reason is tough to explain. It has to do with the relationship of the person who dies by suicide and the loved ones left behind. It doesn't make sense to compare suicide losses. What I mean is, suicide death is not the same for all survivors. Each human being has a unique grieving journey, or should I say process. Suicide among veterans and soldiers was never spoken about openly and

publicly. Fighting for our country is an honor. Taking that commitment is something not everybody can do. The taboo and stigma surrounding veterans and soldiers is a lack of understanding of the veteran. It is seen as a sign of weakness. People don't understand the complications around the thinking process when a veteran returns after serving his or her country. They have witnessed much trauma, and that is difficult to leave the mind. There is little appropriate treatment for those returning from serving their country. There is much confusion and loss when help is not available. Additionally, resources available to the suicide survivors of loss was zero. Few were advocating for how to them. There is little appropriate treatment for those returning from serving their country. There is much confusion and loss when help is not available. When the veterans reached out to me, they would say, “The offered doesn’t address my needs,” “What I need is the kind of therapy I cannot receive funding for,” “We are allowed to access only what is provided and it's not helpful.” I spoke with a wife of a veteran, and she was in constant battles with the Veteran department and they just would not listen to her statements of need. There seems to be a huge gap between the needs of the veterans and what the government will pay for. Chaplain Lowell S. Kronick, Associate Director, National V.A. Chaplain Center of United States of America ed me on LinkedIn in search of education on suicide postvention. I was honored to provide the postvention education. I did an online PowerPoint presentation for Chaplains across the 52 states. They were a fantastic, enthusiastic group hungry for tools and strategies and the resources to assist our veteran survivors of suicide loss family . I hope this book provides some of the necessary hope they are seeking. We, the people, will never forget. You are worthy of love, hope, and life after a suicide loss. You, most of all, need gentle forgiveness and self-care. Thank you to the Chaplains worldwide and those ing veteran survivors of suicide loss with hope, resources, education, love, and a sense of worthiness. My heart is full. Amen.

Conclusion

We have been on quite a journey to this conclusion. I hope you spent some time reading the “How to Use This Book” section. In fact, this might be the time to read that section again. Take note, especially, of the following paragraph: “I suggest the first step is to be gentle with yourself. The second step is to read my story in this book to learn how I have survived the loss of my loved one and how you can do it, too. Know you can survive your loss and heal at your own pace. Grief can not be rushed. You may not find closure when suicide is involved, but you will have learned much more about suicide, grief, pain, and loss. There are so many unanswered questions, and the only person who can provide answers is not here.” Did you process the information in this book? There is so much information that I encourage you to make notes referencing what you want to think about and what you may need to to do for yourself. Please keep this book at hand to use as a resource to your questions and concerns. As a gentle reminder, if you feel triggered, seek professional help to assist you in dissolving the problems that may have been raised while reading this book.

Invitation:

I invite you to come to my Facebook Group to leave your comments about the book, especially what you may have learned yourself. Your comments will be read by many others looking for a needed resource and together we will all be ing each other. Please do my Facebook group, now; I’ll look forward to seeing you there.

Sending my love to you for your loss, and wishing you the best, Penny

PS Please check in at my website for additional books in The Survival Series.

Addendum

Self-Care After the Loss of a Loved One

Below I have listed a full page of things you as the person who have experienced a trauma, a crisis, that you are worthy of taking control of your mental health. I suggest you read that page and re-read it again. I am a firm believer a person should show themselves love and nurture. Show yourself you care enough for your well-being to treat yourself with something that someone else will do for you. Pamper yourself and try to put your device in your purse, turned off. I mention this Self-Care section in every book I write from this day forward. I mean what I say and do what I say because I feel lovely when I have taken care of myself. I will practice Self-Care a minimum of twice a month. I will carry out one of the services listed on my Self-Care page below. It would be best if you were non-judgemental to yourself when having a service done on you. Every life experience I have had was crucial to practice Self-Care. Enjoy. Be aware of changes in yourself and be gentle with yourself. Don't expect too much from yourself until you know you are ready to take on more. Know and accept when enough is enough each day while you're grieving for the rest of your life. Take the time to notice what’s going on around you, nature, people, your well being, and don’t move too quickly...take your time as multitasking is more difficult than before the suicide loss. Losing a loved one to suicide can make it difficult to concentrate. Write little sticky notes and stick them everywhere because you forget so easily and lose focus. The notes will be your reminders and keep you on track so you aren’t frustrated.

People may ask, “How can I help?” Write a list of things you want or need to do. Ask them to do things from your list. Tell them you want them to listen to you, but you do not need to be fixed or judged, and they don’t need to give your advice. If they agree, then speak as you need to. If they don’t agree, thank them and do not share anything. Wait until someone can sit with you and agree to your request. Treat yourself often, more often than you ever did before, because you deserve it; believe that you do. Forgive yourself always if you make an error. Assume it's because you're grieving and let it go. Soak in the bath often. Listen to easy listening music to keep yourself calm OR if you have a favourite, listen to what feels good to you. Cry whenever you need to, cry when you have no control, and then go on from where you left off. Try not to prepare for anything. Let what happens, happen, and just let it be. Hug often; even if you hug a stuffed animal that your loved one had, that’s ok. Read whatever your mind, heart, and soul desires even if you don’t finish it. Walk often, walk in Nature, visit the water, it's very calming and serene, do this with safety in mind. Write whatever is on your mind so that you won't worry about losing or forgetting it and go back and read it at any time. Research everything you wonder about. Know it's ok to feel sad because you are. Know it's ok to feel happy or joy when and if you do. Know it's ok that your emotions are like a roller coaster. Decide to take a bath or listen to music sometimes so you can distract your grief. Buy real flowers whenever you can and put them in full view so you appreciate

and enjoy their beauty. Smell the flowers often; like life, they won’t be around forever. Talk about your loved one as often as you want. Sometimes you have to force yourself to do things and go places. Do it. Eat healthy and drink healthy. See a dietician if you need to know how and what to eat. Just do whatever you hadn’t done before the suicide because you just might need the help and to stay healthy. It's ok. Know it’s “just ok” no matter what. You don’t have to be alone in your grief. Never stop looking for because when you find it, you will finally be able to explain your grief and feel better. Get your nails done, go to the hairdresser because you are worth it. Go to a spa for a day or half a day. Have a facial, book a massage, treat yourself to a pedicure and consider doing all three in one day. The suggestions listed above help you tell yourself to be gentle and love yourself first, and then others will see how you are worth loving as well. After some time es you may find these self-care tips are part of your new life routine. Always treat yourself well, no matter the circumstances of the suicide because this is your new life now and it's about survival at your best. You make it what it will be. REPEAT OFTEN!

Handling the Holidays

Holidays can bring traditions and traditions can bring heartache. If you feel like a traditional holiday will continue no matter the loss of your loved one, then continue the tradition with your loved one in mind. Speak openly about your loved one. If you and your immediate family agree, then, great, go ahead with family tradition. If it's too painful for family to have traditional holidays without their loved one, begin the dialogue of how you can create a new family tradition. It's about you and your immediate family’s comfort and ing each other through a difficult time now and in the future. Speaking openly with everyone is important so the family can do their best together getting through difficult times, like holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. Sometimes new traditions can be positive for everyone. It’s the anticipation of the date that is more difficult than the day of or the day after. You may decide to go away for a special day or be alone that holiday. It's ok to do something different for the next year or the future years after the death of your loved one. The change can be a positive one, which is always good. Keep in mind, however, when you celebrate the holidays or special days, you can include your loved one by continuing to speak their name. Talk about the good memories. Laugh when you can. This will be a positive healing effect on everyone. It is not uncommon to choose to spend the holidays alone and in private, but you’ll want to be careful with continuing the private holidays and special dates because you will be left out of the family gatherings. Having family around can help you feel better and heal. Ultimately, it should be each individual’s choice; try to accept it and talk about it. When family and friends express their opinion about the way things should be done, it can be hurtful and cause confusion. It's important that you tell them their suggestion doesn't feel good for you. You would like to change things because it's the way you feel. You don't need them to think for you. It's not up to you to make friends, it's about your well-being. People do forget that. They think after a loss you lose the ability to think for yourself. That just isn't true, not totally.

Celebrating special events can be healthy and healing for everyone together. For example, light two candles and blow one candle out to represent those we’ve lost, while the one still burning can represent those of us who go on despite our loss and pain. Some people leave the one candle burning in a safe and quiet place for the duration of the holiday meal or event. You can look at the glowing flame as a quiet reminder of those who are missing. Just know there is no “right or wrong” way to handle holidays, anniversaries, or birthdays. You and your family may try several different things before finding one that best suits you. When losing a loved one by suicide, survivors will go through a range of emotions. It is important to honor and respect the needs of the survivors in the days, weeks, and months following the suicide. Often you might feel helpless. Read more on handling the holidays here: (American Foundation of Suicide Prevention). In my situation, I could not bring myself to think about Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. I would tear up at the thought of decorating or gift buying. It was so painful for me to plan anything for the holidays. Yet, my daughters, who were very close, wanted to continue at least meeting for the holidays. I needed to be around them but I was fearful of them. We spoke openly and decided I could handle someone coming into my home and in a simple fashion decorations for Christmas. I didn’t use my decorations and that was key to me feeling comfortable. No matter what took place, my son would not be with us and that did not change during and after the holidays. What I found as time went on was there were many events that came up and caused grief for me and my family. So we would talk openly about our emotions and triggers (Chapter 8) to better understand our loss and how each person was unique in their grief. We accepted that if a person cried, it's ok because we have loved so much and a loss causes pain and grief. We continued to speak Nick’s name often when needed celebrating. I was weary of having the holidays and knew I could not decorate or prepare for

About the Author

Woman, mother, wife, Nanny, friend. Penny has been so many things to many people but never thought she would be spending most of her life as a survivor. Penny was a wife and mother in her early 20s and four children by the age of 29. Soon learned what loss and grief meant at an early age; after the death of her first child before the age of 4. Penny is a survivor. She had 2 more children at home and a 4th on the way... Penny has been a stay at home mom while her children were in school, she wasn’t concerned about a dream career because her family and children came first. Once her children were grown and in post secondary education... they started to move out of the house Penny began to question what her life's purpose was. She began spiritual classes, meditation and crystal healing classes. Soon received her Reiki practitioner certificate and practiced her gift on clients. The investments in her spirituality has given her the strength to survive the loss of her eldest child at age 4 and her youngest son dying by suicide. She then survived a divorce. Penny never stopped searching for her survival tips and strategies. At the age of 54, Penny wrote her 1st hand booklet and has it available on Amazon. She is now working on The Survival Series which consist of 4 short stories. She goes on to live through the birth of her 4 amazing grandchildren, survive a life changing divorce and moving on with a new partner and career.

Penny by email: [email protected]

And you can visit her website: www.TheSurvivalSeries.com

I invite you to visit my website, browse and subscribe. Leave your comments on my website in regards to the book(s) you read. My ebook, Suvivors of Suicide Loss - Setting up a Survivors of Suicide Loss Bereavement Group | A Self-Help Booklet: ing Nicholas, is available on Amazon. Feel free to read and reread my books and if you find it comforting, recommend it to others who should also know about Surviving My Divorce.

Acknowledgments

During my years of surviving struggles and challenges through my grief and loss and pain with emotional ups and downs, I could always count on my daughters, Marsha and Melanie to be non-judgemental and encourage me to go for what I believed in. They have stood by me through the rough, tough, and emotional times through my grief journey. They knew and understood my commitment to advocate for survivors of suicide loss. My daughters knew I needed to write the book surviving as a survivor of suicide loss. We have always been open and upfront with each other. I respect them and appreciate their honesty and unconditional love. Rory (Ruaraidh) Butler has been a valued mentor throughout my journey of loss and making sense of my life’s journey. I could trust Rory for his advice and confidentiality in a safe environment. I could be honest about the challenges of being vulnerable in a world where suicide is surrounded by stigma and taboo. Rory understood my need to talk openly about the raw emotions of suicide loss. He could rationalize things and help me look at reality and think before reacting. I appreciate our relationship and him sharing his knowledge. Your Life Counts is a charity organization that assists those at risk of dying. Thank you, Rory, for dedicating your time and commitment to successfully help those who need to be kept alive. You are amazing. I met Dr. Jody and Colleen Anderson when I needed help with my back pain from much stress and damage due to loss and hard work. Dr. Jody was quick to share his learned experience with me, which added to my own tacit knowledge. I appreciate his respect for my work and commitment to survivors of suicide loss. They have both encouraged me to fulfill my dreams to write a book. Their respect and understanding have fueled me to write this book. Thank you both. Words cannot express my gratitude for those survivors of suicide loss who trusted me enough to have me in their home to share their stories with me. It has given me the knowledge along with my experiences to know there is a need for my book. Survivors of suicide loss deserve much respect for their trust in me to me in the writing of a much-needed resource book. Thank you and I

trust this book meets your expectations. A wonderful man, Dr. Jack Jordan, I have come to know well. Dr. Jack Jordan gives so much to help those in need. I have so much respect for this man as he did a couple of workshops for us and has graciously given advice on my grief journey. He has taken the time to read my ebook in the past. Thank you kindly, Jack. Our most cherished lady is Kim McAlister, who designed and maintained our website we had for years, www.ingnicholas.ca, which is no longer in effect. Kim was energetic and open to keep our website up and going while the organization was busy at work. The fundraising and events were posted on the website as needed. We couldn’t have had the website without her. Thank you, Kim, for your past and continued . I appreciated it and your efforts never went unnoticed. I can never forget the amazing by Timothy S. Lozon, Manager Community Affairs, Bell Aliant Southwestern Ontario. Tim (Timber) was an all around outgoing smiley guy. Tim has since retired and is still a personable positive guy. Our golf tournaments could never have been the success they were without ers like Tim. Thank you I want to acknowledge Susan Axelrod, my book coach, for having the ability to release the pent up stuff stored neatly away inside my brain and bring it out, unfolding layer after layer and creating this Survival Series book 1, A Path Through Suicide Loss. I am so satisfied that your coaching skills and technique has successfully helped me reach my goal for my first book. Thank you. www.whatwillyourlegacybe.com Karen Knowles, Creative Spark Coaching, my editor, you weren't afraid to push the envelope and ask for more descriptive content. You polished up the book wonderfully. Thank you.

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