The Misery Of Addiction 2u3q40

The Misery of Addiction

Johnnie B.

Copyright © 2021 by Johnnie B. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below. Christian Faith Publishing, Inc. 832 Park Avenue Meadville, PA 16335 www.christianfaithpublishing.com Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Love Is Real Life and Death All I Want for You Is Love Life Is Not So Wonderful Drive-By Goodbye Pain Why? Part-Time Friends Men Don’t Feel When Will It End? Christmas at CATS Springtime in the Country Fantasy Why Is Life So Cruel? Why Do I Want Him? Poor Me

I Want to Die Holiday Blues I Feel So Happy I Quit Where Are My Children? Hope Why Are We Here? Tasha To Samela and Cheryl Andrew Hold On Mi Amore Gateway I Know a Place Good/Bad/Ugly Why Am I Here? Leave Me Alone Final Chain To Deb. P. They Told Me I Am a Little Sad

I Love You, Deb. P. Happiness Is a Wonderful Word At Odds John Dear John WRS Plans I Can Do This My Life in Jail Where? My Baby Boy Alone I Have Pain Sad Keep Yo Shit, Deb. P. Alone My Baby Boy Lemarilyn Grace Home Addiction

My Love Tomboy John A. Bellegante Mom: Junio Brenda: Mommy Love I Wish I Were Dead All Alone Repeat Metamorphosis I Will Die No More I’m Tired Revolving Door Our Love Dying Is Easy Crimes against Myself Crimes against Others What Jeanine Thinks about Calvin Shelia From Kimberly to Michelle Michelle Jenny

John Happy Birthday Part 1 Happy Birthday Part 2 Problems Ain’t No Way Cindy, Cinderella Dig My Grave I Close My Eyes Happiness Sharon A Special Goodbye Gloria The Misery of Addiction Winter Wonderland Johnnie Love Is Like a Pistol I Truly Love You Little Miss Christor Today Is Your Day, Mom Hickory Dickory Dock My Beautiful Little Valentine

Love Is Real

Love is real Every moment you steal Becomes a lasting memory To last for all eternity Peace within I want for you Joy forever, I want it too For God is good and God is great For his love you’ll never wait Love Everlasting For God so loves you Your good, your bad, and all you do He gave his one and only Son He knew his work was never done life has wonderous variety You’ll need it all for your sobriety.

Life and Death

As sweet as cotton candy, As precious as brand-new pups. So take your fill. Drink a toast A toast to me. Bottoms up. I want to die. I want to see If God will ever welcome me. To die would make me more than glad. To live like this is very sad. I want peace. I want love More than all the heavens above. To know that death is full of joy But life to me is just a toy. Life, death. Who would really care? They properly wouldn’t be aware. If I disappeared today, I wouldn’t be missed. I’d just fade away.

All I Want for You Is Love

All I want for you is love More than all the heavens above To reap success in all you do To carry my love away with you Out into the cold, cold world With no one left to do my curls I love you, Chanda. Forever and ever Will I ever forget you? Never Take my love for you and your son Think about them from dusk till dawn They are your strength. They are your power Watch that Chris. He’s the man of the hour All I have right now is a quarter Oh yeah, thank the Lord you didn’t have a daughter.

Life Is Not So Wonderful

Life is not so wonderful The days are not so colorful The nights are very long Misery’s grip is very strong I long for something concrete So that insanity doesn’t repeat I want to be at peace To escape at last from the beast My heart is heavy. My soul is cold I want to escape my memory’s hold To close my eyes. To close them tight To dream sweet dreams for just one night I don’t want to see his cold, cold eyes Or wonder what will be his next surprise I want to learn to be alive I want to know I can survive I want to get him out of my head Before I let this disease spread

To all my beautiful little babies To drive them mad, almost like rabies I want to live. I want to die I don’t know which. I don’t know why Help me, Deb. P., help me to see How in the world can I be free?

Drive-By

Wow. She’s gone I can’t believe it She barely even had time to sit The wind blew her in The wind blew her out I barely even had time to shout Hey, wait a minute You gotta say goodbye It’s okay I didn’t even say hi I hope her life turns out okay I hope I’ll see her again someday I hope she wins her little war Over those little ones she adores Life will deal you a good hand It’ll only give you what you can stand Hold your head high, accept the deal Treat it all as if it’s real Things will change, the sun will shine

And everything will turn out fine.

Goodbye

My life is gone. My love is gone I’m sitting here all alone Wondering why it had to be Praying that God would set me free Let me fly. Let me soar Let me the one I adore Let me lie down at his feet Where the ocean and the sky meet Let me live until I die I just want to say goodbye To hate, to hurt, to shame, to life Release me from this sorrow and strife Let me be with you, oh Lord Help me fill this huge void Let me die. Let me lay For peace, any price I would pay In death I would cry no more No one will ever know the score

No one will know how life did treat me No one will know how life has beat me.

Pain

Pain is poison Pain is fright Pain is anger With fists closed tight Pain is sorrow Pain is need Pain is emotion On which others feed Pain is pressure Pain does grow Pain is awful But it’s all I know.

Why?

Why me? I always say What next will happen today? Will I cry? Will I die? Will I scream? Will I dream? Will I hope? Will I use dope? Will I lie? Will others pry? Will I grow? Will I know? Why me? I always say Because God meant it that way Pray!

Part-Time Friends

Friends, a joy to behold Friends, distant and cold Friends, wonderful now and then Friend, until they get under your skin Friends, they shower you with love Friends, put on your boxing glove Friends, part of the time Friends that treat you like slime Friends for all eternity With you, I need no enemy.

Men

They smile so sweet They sweep you off your feet They buy you flowers All so they can have more power Power to amuse you Power to abuse you They make you think they are so smart While they rip and tear at your heart They take your pride and throw it away I don’t care, is all they’ll say So run away and hide your soul Because Satan and him will take control They’ll take your soul and your life Their words will slice you like a knife So run, hide, save yourself Outside of you, there’s no one else.

Don’t Feel

I know what it’s like to be Behind a brick wall One that entirely surrounds me And makes me feel so small Do you know how it feels To harbor so much hate? To let someone inside My very small gate To let them know who I am To let them know I care To let them know I feel things Do I do it? Do I dare? I’ll never let them know me I’ll never let them see I’ll never let them understand How much they’re hurting me.

When Will It End?

Here I sit, all alone. The thought of living chills me to the bone. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. Tomorrow will be a repeat. Spinning, turning, I can’t stop. I feel my mind is about to pop. Evil lurks in every hall. I keep hitting the same brick wall. When will that b—— stop bothering me? I open my eyes, but I can’t see. I close them again. It doesn’t matter. That evil b—— keeps getting fatter. That cold-hearted b—— is called cocaine. She’ll eat your brain and drive you (me) insane, I think.

Christmas at CATS

Christmas at CATS A wonder to see The staffs running around Making coffee and tea Santa’s coming early With gifts all yellow But for me only me Lots of Jell-O.

Springtime in the Country

As happy as can be The birds are singing joyous songs Just for you and me The animas whisper secrets Known only to their ears That springtime lasts forever Throughout the coming years.

Fantasy

I saw him in the distance Standing tall and bold A breeze blowing through his hair A whisper of secrets untold His scent then reached my nostrils His magic touched my heart The vibes his presence sent me Was tearing my soul apart I started walking toward him This man I had to see My eyes flew open and there I was In bed, a quarter to three.

Why Is Life So Cruel?

Why is life so cruel? Is pain always the rule? Is everyone always full of hate? How much am I supposed to take? Why do people want to lie And stick to it until they die? I sometimes wonder, is it me? Or is it just my company?

Why Do I Want Him?

Why do I want him? Do I know? Do I love him Or let him go? I wonder why My mind’s in such a state. Am I so needy That I can’t wait? I ask myself, why? Why must I die? Why must I cry? In hell I’ll fry. I tell myself no, I won’t hurt no mo’ I always feel low. Then I’m out the door. Life is a pill. Death is the thrill.

It’s cold, I feel chilled. Oh God, who must I kill? I ask myself who Is that beside you? What is he going to do? Why is he feeling blue?

Poor Me

Poor me. Poor me That’s what I always say Maybe I’ll get the message And straighten up someday I know that what I’m doing Is very, very wrong For what I did to my children I need to be hung When will I wake up And stop all this crying? Am I gonna let go Or just keep on dying? The only way to change things The only way to stop this The only way to stop crying Is to get those kids I miss The only way to do that Is to stop the self-pity

To change everything about me To leave this stinking city.

I Want to Die

I want to die I want to see If God would truly Welcome me Would he open His great big heart Or will he tear My soul apart? Would he love me As I am? Would he curse me? Would I be damned? I want to know God I need to know peace I want to be with him Then the pain would cease God, open your arms Please, open your door

Maybe you don’t want me Because I was a whore.

Holiday Blues

Christmas is here again And I’m so alone I don’t know who I am Or where I belong I am so depressed I’m so very sad I feel like getting angry I feel like being bad The tree is so beautiful The lights are so bright There’s joy all around me I only see the night To me, it’s very dark To me, it’s very cold With no one to love me With no one to hold I get no presents Except a lump of coal

It doesn’t really matter My life’s a toilet bowl

I Feel So Happy

I feel so happy What can it be? I guess I’m really going To A. T. C. By the grace of God I’m getting out of jail I won’t have to be Alone in this hell I can see the world And all its discoveries I may even get a chance Again at recovery I know that God Has plans for me I just have To wait and see My God and my heart Will know the way

When I go this time I’m going to stay.

I Quit

This is the end of the line I could go further, but no, I decline I don’t want to ride any longer This whirlwind is getting stronger My head is spinning like a top At any moment I could drop The tide is getting bigger and bigger I guess you should know. My mind’s the trigger It’s closing in on me now The time has come to take a bow I can’t keep fighting this thing forever Will I find peace? I think never I’ll go away. I won’t look back I have to save myself from crack I won’t live my life a drug fiend I want to spend the rest of my life clean I don’t want to die out here alone Old, dirty, diseased, without a home

Why can’t I just die in peace And drink God’s glory, or be Satan’s feast? I really don’t know which one All I know is that I’m done I quit.

Where Are My Children?

Where are my children? I’d like to know You know I could never Let them go They want me to try To live without them They want them to grow up Not knowing about me But I can’t do it I can’t go on Not when their lives Have just begun I’d rather swim The wildest sea Don’t take them from me Don’t do it, please! Don’t let them Forget my love

Let it surround them Like a glove Don’t stop giving I don’t have a clue But always I love you.

Hope

Sometimes I feel so bad I feel like I’ve been had I got a small taste of peace And then suddenly it ceased I wish I could find someone Who’ll stay until we’re done Someone who won’t mind Being there all the time Someone who’ll hear me when I say That someday I’ll make them pay Someone who’s there for me Someone to make the me a we Someone who knows what I’m going through Someone who’ll love me no matter what I do Why can’t people really see What kind of person I’m trying to be? Why can’t they help me learn About the trust I need to earn?

I want a friend before tomorrow I don’t want to live in sorrow Why can’t there be someone for me? To hold me, and love me fully I guess I’m destined to be alone Never really knowing a home.

Why Are We Here?

Why are we here? The message is not clear A point to be taken Is not to be mistaken Life is a b—— When you’re with the wrong clique Life can beat you down Hit you, kick you, knock you around It can take you to fantasy Then drop you into reality It’ll break your world in two But no one will know it but you Because you’re alone. You have no friends You wear a mask and you pretend Pretend that someone really cares But no one cares. You are aware No one wants to really know That you really love them so

But why do you keep trying? Persisting, but no one’s buying You love so hard, you love so much But love eludes you. You’re out of touch But do you give up on love? Fly away like a dove? Hell no! I don’t think so I’ll never stop. I’ll never let go.

Tasha

Hello, my love, I miss you Your eyes so sweet. Your soul so blue I want to touch your heart So that nothing can keep us apart I miss ya, girl. I miss your crying I miss you so much I think I’m dying Read my mind. Reach out to me So my loneliness will let me be I love you, Tasha, with all my soul I have to stay focused, stay in control I feel myself slipping, I want to let go If I did, I wouldn’t see you any mo’ I can’t handle that, that’ll never happen If I had wings, they would be flapping Take me away, away from it all Let’s leave now before someone calls They’ll talk me out of it. They’ll make me stay Even when they take you away

They’ll make me spend my life alone Without you, I have no home They say it’s better to do it by myself And put my feelings for you on a shelf I can’t do it, I’d rather die I’ll never be able to break the tie That binds me and you together forever They are there for eternity: she’ll break them never.

To Samela and Cheryl

Envy, hatred, cold, hard reality Ugly feelings that are not healthy I try so hard to understand To extend an open, loving hand To someone who hates my guts I really think they’re all nuts They envy me for what I am Their tempers burst, like a dam They overflow with animosity I look at them with curiosity That someone could feel so much emotion Without love, hope, or devotion Just hatred, pure and simple To them you’re just a pimple At least they try to make you think A cup of humility, they should drink Do you really think I’m all that? You really do? Is that a fact?

I think you are a very sick puppy You and that big fat guppy!

Andrew

I guess I have to move So I have something to prove I really have to go away So my son can get to stay He can’t stay if I’m here So I have to disappear The only way to ease his pain Is to wash it away with the rain The pain of having to stay clear Of all the people he holds dear When I’m gone, he can stay I will make him happy, I pray They say he can’t be here with me But I have to go so suddenly.

Hold On

Life is not so bad I can’t go on being sad I have to let go of this pain Before it drives me insane I don’t have to sit around Feeling like my ship has run aground I can get up and face my problem Make some plans and try to solve them Life is only what you make it God won’t give it if you can’t take it.

Mi Amore

I really love you More than you’ll ever know My love is like a river With an eternal flow My world is like a flower My life is like a rose My dreams are about you My past’s about to close I see only good things In my life with you I see beautiful magic In everything you do You mean so much to me You have so much style Stay with me forever Not just a little while You are my special guy I love you more and more

You are the only one for me I love you, mi amore.

Gateway

I think I hate this place With all its noble staff I want them to know my feelings I want them to feel my wrath The people are all sick They don’t know what they’re doing They’re spinning around in circles The addict is really showing Stay away from me Your hearts are really cold Do you have a conscience? Do you have a soul? The Gateway Philosophy Say it to each other Maybe then you’ll think Before addicts become your brothers.

I Know a Place

I know a place Where there’re lots of smiles Where large open arms Extend for miles But what’s on the surface Is not what’s real There’s danger everywhere Beyond the sex appeal Watch what people say Don’t listen to a word ’Cause when they start talking It’s something totally absurd Everyone’s in your business They have none of their own They act like little children Who don’t know how to be grown I want to grab and shake them Wake up and smell the coffee

Get some business about yourself If you want recovery.

Good/Bad/Ugly

It’s a mind game Gateway, and all its shit Let them psych you out It won’t hurt a bit What have you got to lose? Except maybe your mind Take what Gateway has for you Leave everything else behind Gateway gives you love Gateway gives you hope You have to take the bull——! Would you rather use dope? Is this the place for me? I think it’s really lame But I can’t leave this place Because I would go insane.

Why Am I Here?

Why am I here? I don’t know Am I working on something? Or is it just a show? Right now, my children Are all I think of I care more about them Then all the stars above I really hate people I wish they’d all leave I don’t really need them For what I want to achieve I want to be alone I never want them to see What these stupid people Are really doing to me.

Leave Me Alone

Leave me alone. Let me be I just want to be happy To live my life, alone, in peace Not to be bothered with life’s defeats. I wish I could just sail away Never to come back again, I say To buy an island all my own Where no one but me will belong I don’t want to be here Not even a part of this hemisphere Why can’t you just leave me alone I’m the one without a home No place to lay my very tired head Constantly seeing the people I dread I just want to go to sleep To out now without a peep To sleep for now, to sleep forever To wake up again, in this world, never

To sleep the everlasting nod To finally say, “Why?” to my God.

Final Chain

Well, I guess the final chain is broken They’ve taken away my last token Of love and friendship I have with my daughter Take it off, well keep it. Get over it. You really oughta.

To Deb. P.

My eyes are open I think I see What is really Wrong with me I need to run I need to hide Deb opened a hole That’s way too wide She opened it up And left me hanging She left those bells Banging and clanging I really needed To talk about it She told me to talk And didn’t help a bit She opened me up Then shut me out

She didn’t know what to do. Without a doubt. Deb. P. I guess you Really think you’re smart Where did you get your license, K-Mart?

They Told Me

They told me I could see them They really made my day I wish that I could free them But their hearts are made of clay They will never let me spend Any time at all with my kids This is the beginning of the end My children are up for bids I’ll never spend any time With my four little hearts I guess I’m just a piece of slime Worse than a big ugly wart So take them all away I don’t deserve to be Any kind of mother anyway And they don’t deserve me.

I Am a Little Sad

I am a little sad Maybe even mad To sit back and think How much I really stink How sorry I really am To be caught in such a jam How can I understand And get the upper hand To grasp again success And return to WRS.

I Love You, Deb. P.

Hello, my friend, Deb. P. Friends forever we’ll be You are my pal forever You are so damn clever I wish I could see your face And really know my place Where I stand in your heart And will we always be apart? I guess I really messed up Lord knows I’m a stressed pup But I will find my way back My future isn’t totally black I wish I could talk to you I love you, no matter what you do Don’t walk away from me When I close my eyes, it’s you I see I wish I had never walked away When you f—— up. You have to pay

For all the pain you’ve caused others For all the hurt you’ve caused your brothers But I know I will survive ’Cause as long as I have you, I am alive.

Happiness Is a Wonderful Word

Happiness is a wonderful word To think you’ll get it is totally absurd You wish for it with all your heart You know you can’t get it from Kmart It’s something that eludes you You really want it to include you Happiness is something I think we need I nurture the soul and plant the seed The seed of hope, the seed of faith All you have to do is participate In what life has to offer you In any fulfilling thing you do.

At Odds

Why are we at odds? We have things to resolve I want the fighting to end There is no reason We all should get along This animosity is wrong I want to kick someone’s ass But this too shall I want to yell and scream I want this all to be a dream Make it all go away It’ll get better someday Maybe I should get the f—— out This is sh——, without a doubt Is there something about me Something that I don’t really see That I’m just as good as mink? I look in the mirror and all I see

Is a worn-down, drugged-out me.

John

My life, my love, my happiness That’s what this person is Whose life has brought me nothing But joy, replacing my tears His smile so sweet and inviting I really can’t ignore His face is so damn handsome His eyes, I truly adore I want to get to know him I want to enter his head I will not live without him I would rather be dead To know him is to love him To kiss him is a must To get lost in his eyes To know that you can trust I’ll never make him wonder How I really feel

I’ll never let him forget His wonderful sex appeal Why has God blessed me? With such a wonderful man Maybe he wanted me to be The very best I can With him I feel alive With him I feel at peace I could only be unhappy If our love would cease So if you ever wonder What I could truly be Open your eyes and look at mine It’s John that you will see.

Dear John

I have to go away I wish that I could stay I love you so much I’m starting to miss your touch I want to touch your hair I want to hug you like a bear I close my eyes and wait for a kiss To feel your lips, I really miss I have to go away from you To break away and start all new You would do better without me Without me, who knows where you’d be You might turn out to be somebody Just stop hanging with this nobody So go away, save your life You could have anyone for a wife You can do better than me Take a chance, you will see

That life isn’t so bad You can’t keep something you never had You thought in me you had a friend When all you had was a dope fiend I’m sorry, baby, I really am But after a while, you won’t give a damn You’ll go on. You’ll get over it After a while, it won’t hurt a bit I will never stop loving you No matter where you are or what you do I will never forget the pain My life is going down the drain I won’t hurt you anymore You’re the only one I adore But I have to say goodbye I can’t keep hurting you. I’d rather die So, I’m running away from you I love you so much I don’t know what to do But if I choose to kill myself I won’t be hurting you with my death ’Cause if I leave and not around

I couldn’t stomp your heart into the ground I love you, Mr. Bellegante Please, John. Please forgive me.

WRS

Life at WRS Recovery at its best The women are so fine Sixteen, all in a line The staff is on their toes Where group is nobody knows Steve is being smart Making sly remarks Rich is so sweet He doesn’t miss a beat He likes to read your mind And Deb’s not far behind Deb. P. says, “Get over it” And she means it. Every bit Margo’s the big cheese It’s her you got to please Violia’s being cool But order is the rule

Evette is so nice Spirituality’s her slice Beverly’s in a mood ’Cause chocolate is her food Evette took her chocolate back And the clients are gonna get the flak Tara’s wearing a pretty dress Who is she trying to impress? Forget it, Tara. Take it back Go home and get yo comfortable slacks Deb. R. is so little She’s always in the middle Of something or another Fighting with Tamika or her brother Claudia is a gentle sort But guess what, girl? You still short Mary has a lot to say She oughta do politics one day Latayna is so kind She can stay. I don’t mind Kelly is so bright

All aglow with golden sunlight Kimberly, I just don’t know She bounces back and forth, like a yoyo Life at W.R.S. What’s the point? We all belong to this psycho t.

Plans

God has plans for me What is my destiny? He didn’t bring me through it all Just so he could let me fall I believe there’s something else He wants me to do it by myself To stop doing all this crap To not go off when people snap He wants me to survive He wants me stay alive I look up and I understand Why my Lord makes such demands He wants us all to love each other And never make war against your brother He wants me to spread the Word To let it float like a bird God has always been there for me He has my love completely

Listen, people, you’ll find out soon Your joy will rise to the moon You’ll think you see lightning rods And you’ll know the glory of God.

I Can Do This

I can do this I’m going to get clean You know what that means I have to change everything Deal with what life brings I have to face life sober Realize it’s not over The fight has just begun I’ll fight, I want to run I can do it. I can live I can take what life gives I have to do for more than me I have to do it for my babies.

My Life in Jail

My life is an adventure Living in this cell It’s like taking a walk Through the bowels of hell I wander around the pod With nowhere to go I don’t know if the weather Is rainy or it’s snow I sit and watch TV All day long I gotta watch Oprah What’s really going on? Is this rehabilitation Or is it just a joke? And this food they give us They must be going broke And what about the clothes? You see the underwear

The seat is all yellow In every single pair.

Where?

I want to know If you can see What’s this thing That’s come over me I see a haze My world’s a daze My mind’s a blur There is no door I want to see What it’s like to be Free of pain With power to gain Let me be free I’ll live in peace, maybe? I’ll go to sleep at night I’ll wake free of fright Or maybe I’ll just go Where? I don’t know

A place where I can grow Where peace and love will flow.

My Baby Boy

If a man stood ten feet tall He would be nothing if he had to crawl Take his dignity. Take his pride And you’ll wonder how he died inside You stole his soul. You stole his worth His manhood, his will to live, an’ so forth You took it all, now give it back Or just hang him upon a rack You got him whipped. You got him beat There’s nothing left but a piece of meat I’m sorry.

Alone

I sit here all alone A lost soul without a home I think of all the things I miss About the pain, I reminisce I think of when I felt the hurt Of someone’s hand under my shirt I think of when he touched my thigh I think of why I’m always high To dull the pain. To smother the fire To stifle my joy. To still my desire I hate this intrusive, demented man I want to fight him. I hope I can I live each day with him touching me After all these years, just let me be I can’t forget his cold, cold eyes I think of you, I want to die Release me, please. Let me go I don’t believe I can take anymore

When I say my prayers at night I wake up suddenly, ablaze with fright I can’t go on living this way God Almighty will make you pay.

I Have Pain

I have pain Within my soul I can’t fill This big hole I see red I see blue I see loneliness Without you I hate you I hate me I hate life Just let me be

I really miss you, Andrew. I love you so much. I need to see you. I need to touch you. Can you read my mind? Can you feel my vibrations? Can you see I still love you? Do you know I’ll always love you, Andrew? Never forget me, baby. Never stop loving me.

Sad

I am very sad Where is my dad? I want someone to care I’m hanging on by a hair I wish I were dead I don’t want to move ahead I want to lie down In a stream and drown I live a silent death I can’t catch my breath My heart is really sick It’s as heavy as a brick There’s nothing left of me A future I don’t see Take away it all I feel so f—— small I see white. I see black Once I leave, I’ll never come back.

Keep Yo Shit, Deb. P.

So I guess you really think I’m lying Is that why you’re always prying Trying to find a hole in my story Projecting and hoping I’ll say, “Poor me” If that’s what you think, I should say goodbye Why stay here and make up lines? And hang around knowing that I’m fine I don’t need your distrust and doubt That’s not what I’m all about You believe what you want. You say what you will You will never know if my story is real But I’ll tell you this, Miss Deb. P. You’re full of sh——. Even you can see I don’t think I like you anymore You make me feel like running for the door Your head is spinning in all directions With these constant resurrections I want you out of my head anyway

The bull—— is over. Starting today Who cares, right? It’s not your mind Why the hell should you help it unwind Get over it. Isn’t that what you always say? I’m gonna do that anyway!

Alone

I sit here all alone A lost soul without a home I think of all the things I miss About the pain, I reminisce I think of when I felt the hurt Of someone’s hands under my shirt I think of when he touched my thigh I think of when I’m always high To dull the pain. To dull the fire To stifle my joy. To still my desire I hate this intrusive, demented man I want to fight him. I hope I can Why must I live with him touching me After all these years, please let me be I can’t forget your cold, cold eyes When I think of you, I want to die Release me, please. Let me go I don’t believe I can take no mo’

When I say my prayers at night I wake up suddenly. Ablaze with fright I can’t. I really can’t live this way I wish you were gay.

My Baby Boy

If a man stood ten feet tall He would be nothing if he had to craw Take his dignity. Take his pride And you’ll wonder how he died inside You stole his soul you stole his worth His manhood, his will to live, and so forth You took it all, now give it back Or just hang him upon a rack You got him whipped. You got him beat There’s nothing left but a piece of meat Release me, please!

Lemarilyn

Beauty, they say, is only skin-deep But who knows what you see after you sleep? Beauty is in the mind, in the heart, and the soul Beauty is something each of us can control Lemarilyn, you’re pretty. Lemarilyn, you’re sweet Lemarilyn, your friendship is something I wanna keep You’ll always be fresh and clean in my mind Someone like you I know I’ll never find When you’re cold and lonely and full of fright Take your higher power to bed and you’ll sleep tight He’ll give you comfort. He’ll give you peace He’ll keep you close and safe from the beast That beast called addiction. That pain called relapse He’ll help you stay clean and safe from its grasp Surround yourself with people in recovery Open your eyes. Make new discoveries Life is good, as good as you make it That new step, be sure you take it

I know that life sometimes isn’t fair Break it down. Stack it up. Just like yo hair.

Grace

It’s a wonder to me How happy I can truly be I look around and all I see Is all the people loving me I see flowers and trees I see bushes and bumblebees The air is fresh as a summer breeze I see all this with the smallest of ease Recovery is so beautiful God’s grace is so plentiful His love is so bountiful To be alive is so wonderful.

Home

Happiness is when I open up the door And all my little babies Are sitting on the floor I walk in the house I get a lot of hugs I even get one from The turd-like little bug I adore my little babies I’d do anything for them The chances of me leaving Are very, very slim They know I’m not leaving They know I’m going to stay They know my love is with them And never going away.

Addiction

Addiction is a process Gateway is a mist If you think you’re getting over Your mind they’re going to bust I don’t know where I’m going But I know where I’ve been Getting high to me Ain’t even worth a fin I take a hit, I sail It takes me straight to hell The madness never fails To take me straight to jail.

My Love

Love is in the air I feel it everywhere I know I really need you I really love the things you do You better keep on loving me You are all I want to see Life is really looking good Hold me like you know you should Make me think of only you Stick by me, just like glue I will never leave your side Never again will I run and hide There’s no one left to scare me away Only with you can I stay’ You make me feel good within Lord knows my love was wearing thin You light the fire that burns my heart Never will we be apart

You stole my heart. You captured my soul You filled it, that big hole Stay with me. Enjoy my love It’s all for you. My snow-white love.

Tomboy

Kimberly, who did you hit this time? Did you know you committed a crime? I guess they’ll take you away to jail Maybe we all should say farewell Do you really want to be The biggest trip anyone will see? Or do you want to be a lady? With pretty shoes and hair, maybe? I really want to see you soar It’s much better than hearing you roar Did you know that you’re a girl? Let me put your hair in curls You really are quite pretty Wearing those jogging pants is silly So wash your face and comb your hair Or else I’ll tie you to the chair Long enough to do your do I’ll only do it ’cause I love you.

John A. Bellegante

I met a man He’s very sweet His style is cool His word concrete He’s very sensitive He’s angry inside His heart is warm He’s full of pride When he’s sad I feel his pain I won’t let his love Be in vain His hair is jet black His eyes are magic To lose his love Would be tragic I want to keep his love I want to touch his heart

I want to make him immortal So we can never be apart.

Mom: Junio

Happy Mother’s Day to you I love you no matter what you do You give me hope. You give me love Your warmth covers me like a glove I know you’ll always be there for me She always has been. Can’t you see? You won’t stop giving. I’ll always know That’s exactly why I love you so.

To Lillie Brown with Love

Brenda: Mommy Love

I know sometimes we don’t get along But only through you can I be strong I know sometimes you don’t believe That there’s anything I can achieve But through it all I know you care You carry my love everywhere And when sometimes you’re feeling low Read this poem so you can know That no matter where you are or what you do I will always believe in you And more than all the heavens above Nothing means more to me than your love

To Brenda, from her children, William, Tressie, and Mechelle

I Wish I Were Dead

I wish I were dead To close and lock my hand To this terrible thing I’ve done Who would understand? No one If I closed my eyes Let all my problems fly Never opened them again Boy, would that be a plan I wouldn’t have no more problems Lying in a coffin I would see no more pain I’d have nothing to gain No one would really care If I actually chose to dare To cross over into a new plane Or stay here and go insane No one would really fight If I got kidnapped tonight

No one would care if I stayed Or if I just fade away.

All Alone

She called me on the telephone I should have said, I’m not at home Instead I sit here all alone I should have taken wings and flown Away from all this hurt and despair And all this hatred in the air I used to live life with such a flair Now I’m alone, naked, and bare.

Repeat

I can’t keep doing this Over and over and over again I keep feeling this awful pain Wider and wider the circle keeps getting Impossible goals I keep setting Making plans I know I can’t keep How stupid to think I could sleep I just want it all to end I don’t want to just pretend Pretend that I can’t be hurt That I can’t be moved by people’s dirt This circle is going around and around Where am I? Nowhere bound Destined to spin around in circles Forever wishing for a miracle Just to get off this whirlwind I will break. I won’t just bend.

Metamorphosis

If nothing changes, nothing changes That’s a cool thing to say But if you’re not listening Then move out of the way You are blocking progress You are an antique You are heading nowhere fast Your future is very bleak Change is very important It’s like night and day You take the good, you take the bad Be it as it may Change is not about location It’s not about where you are It’s what’s going on inside you That will take you far So open up the very thing That makes you stand apart

For no change will ever work Unless it’s within your heart.

I Will Die No More

I want to die I want to see If God will really Welcome me I want to close My eyes and go To a wonderful place Where I’ll see God’s glow I think I really Want to believe That I will have The chance to achieve All my hopes And dreams one day Without the heavy toll I’ll have to pay Why don’t My God love me?

Why don’t people Just let me be? I guess I know I will not grow I will not learn In hell I’ll burn I will not sleep Soul is deep I’ll cry no more No one to adore Why must I try? Why can’t I die? I will not live If I can’t give All of my love To the ones I adore I’ll know no peace When will I cease? When will I stop? Stop spinning like a top I will cry no more

I will die no more.

I’m Tired

I’m really, really tired Of being all alone I want my little babies I want to go home I’ve been in treatment so long I know no other way Why are they doing this? Will it end one day? When I leave this place I go to another It’s getting hard to breathe I think I’m being smothered I’m tired of all the people Involved in my life All they’re really doing Is causing more pain and strife I’m tired of waking up In someone else’s bed

I can’t keep doing this I’d rather be dead.

Revolving Door

I’ve been here forever And I keep peeping The very same people They just keep creeping They come in the door Looking like death They stay overnight Barely catching their breath They go to court in the morning The judge let them out I’ll see them again There is no doubt I wake up in the morning There they are again I’m really starting to wonder Do they ever win? They steal, rob, or sell drugs They say they do it well

I just have to wonder What are they doing in jail? If I had the wings of a dove I would soar in the heavens above I would search for a place Even if it’s an empty space I would run away from here I would literally disappear No one would ever find me No one I didn’t want to see I would hide from you all You’ll think I’m having a ball But you know what, in all honesty I’ll be looking for true reality You know life, the real thing Take it no matter what it brings You’ll find out what it’s all about Then you’ll want to jump and shout Guess what, world, I made a discovery It’s great living in the world of recovery.

Our Love

I really love you, baby I want to be your lady I want to love you more Than anyone has done before I want to enter your head Then take you into my bed And love you till you drop And beg me not to stop Baby, you are my life I want to be your wife You mean the world to me Open your eyes and you will see Just how much I’d do for you I’d love you no matter what you do Learn to accept my love, sweetheart Know that we’ll never be apart I really love your sense of style Your magic wand drives me wild

Say you love me just as much Say it once and then I’ll hush All I want is to be with you And know that you want me too If you do, just say so Say it loud so I can know I don’t want to feel the pain Of knowing our love was all in vain.

Dying Is Easy

Dying is easy, living is hard Especially when cocaine makes you a retard I don’t want to live like this Living forever in a cocaine bliss I need to step out of the cloud To look in the mirror and feel proud Why can’t I live a normal life And be happy forever as someone’s wife? Sometimes I think that I’m a fool Living my life in a drug cesspool But now I think I got the message Now I know the right age To take me really far away In this place, where would I stay? I will take the road that’s new I’ll know the pain and be blue To take the road that’s easy To some may sound pleasing

That road will take you nowhere Go the hard road. Take a dare Dare to be totally complete Dare to be completely free.

Crimes against Myself

Life doesn’t mean anything to me anymore I sold myself for drugs I pollute my body with unknown substances I lie to myself about how serious my situation is I sold material things that mean the world to me I lost my dreams My hope for the world is gone Self-respect and self-worth are gone I love no one, and no one loves me My lifeline is gone I hate myself I hate everyone I have no friends I have no family I have nightmares every night I want to be dead My God has forsaken me.

Crimes against Others

I sold my kids to D.C.F.S. I sold my children’s things I destroyed my kids’ life I took away their home.

What Jeanine Thinks about Calvin

I think I’ll have a heart attack I feel someone jumping on my back I think I have a headache No, it’s Calvin on my head with a rake I think I’ll have myself some pie Calvin’s thrown it in my eye Oh no, my shoes are lost again Calvin’s got ’em. What a pain I go to bed and fall asleep Calvin is sleeping awfully deep I thank God and the heavens above For every moment of Calvin’s love.

Shelia

Check my work, Shelia It’s eight thirty; my work is done It’s time for group I’d better run Shelia, check my work, it’s all complete I think I’ll go and take a seat What is this? Do I see dust A complete chore is a must A stain on top and dust in the crack Forget it, girl. You’re coming back Clean that shelf. Mop that floor Or you’ll find yourself at the door Forget about homework. Forget about group Who do you think you’re trying to dupe? I’ll come back in a little while And you’d better do it all with a smile Who’s the best checker? I can’t hear ya Run! Hid! I think it’s Shelia We love you always!

From Kimberly to Michelle

I’ll miss you a lot When the days turn hot I’ll think of your fire When it’s time to retire To my bed for a good night’s sleep When it’s quiet and you can’t hear a peep I think of your laughter and your smile It’ll keep me happy for a little while But most of all I’ll think of you And all the funny things you do when you and Mom would fight What a funny, funny sight The house was in an uproar Boy, how your tempers would soar But what I’ll think about instead Is when you’re gone, the house will be dead.

Michelle

Michelle, Michelle, Michelle, Michelle The beautiful black vixen from hell When she walks in the room, the temperature rises Grab something sturdy. Be ready for surprises She blows you away in the blink of an eye She’ll leave your head spinning and wondering why But watch her sometimes and you will see A wonderful personality when she sets it free She plays with the kids, up and down the hall In any crowd she’s loft-tall A room full of people, she’ll stand out Just looking at her makes me want to shout Wake up! What’s up? Smell the coffee Don’t you know you’re on the road to recovery? Aren’t you scared? Don’t you feel anything? Don’t you wonder what this new life will bring? But about your kids, I know you care To take them with you everywhere

They’ll help you in the early days When everything seems to go by in a haze sober thoughts and hold them true And that we all love you.

Jenny

Spitfire, that’s her name Spice and fire, it’s all the same Jenny’s a pistol. Jenny’s a pill Jenny’s a natural at coping skills She makes me laugh, she makes me mad She’s leaving now, it makes me sad I love you, Jenny I’ll miss you a lot But I know your mind is in the right spot You’re a good person and a wonderful mom But you must where you came from The heartaches, the loneliness, the awful pain It’ll make your sobriety go down the drain Don’t forget the hurt. Don’t forget the fear Open your heart and your mind. Be sure you hear The voice of the people who cherish you Who else, but the W.R.S. zoo crew We love you

We’ll kiss you We’ll miss you We’ll hug you We’ll tug you We’ll believe you We’ll relieve you We’ll care for you We’ll be there for you.

John

(A Father and Grandfather)

A father is someone Who will always love you He’ll smother you with kisses And lots of hugs too A father will fight for you And whip you when you’re bad But time after time after time again He’s the best friend you have A father isn’t someone who uses you A father is someone cares A father doesn’t pick and choose His love he always shares A father is someone who doesn’t care Who is or isn’t his child So rest now, daddy. I love you too Sit down and rest awhile.

Happy Birthday Part 1

Wow! It’s your birthday I think that you should know That every year that goes by You head is going to grow Your hair will disappear Your middle will expand Your neck will start to wrinkle Your diet will be bland Gravity will take over Body parts aim for the cellar But your inner beauty stays the same And I’ll love you, whatever Happy birthday, old boy!

Happy Birthday Part 2

A tisket, a tasket A penny in a basket A nickel for your heart A quarter from the start What about a dollar Will it make you holler? A fifty would be better Put it in a letter My tastes are expensive My wants are extensive My birthday is here Make the money appear The letter has arrived But to my surprise It has lots of love and kissing But the money is missing Happy birthday!

Problems

What really is the problem? This dumbass doctor asks. He wants me to go deep To delve into my past But why would I bring out The pain I have inside? I say f—— all you people You can see it in my eyes I’m all alone now Nobody here to help me I made to eighteen by myself Don’t even ask me how Some say that I’m conceited Some say that I am selfish They need to shut the f—— up They don’t even know what hell is I don’t sell drugs Even though I think I should

Or maybe tame a gun and cap a nigga Like John Gotti would But I don’t need Anyone to tell me how to live Because I know What to take and what to give Everyone’s got problems But not many people can say that They’ve been through worse Especially at age eighteen

Jermaine Brackett (my son)

Ain’t No Way

There ain’t a man alive that can scare me Compare me To other niggas that you see Standin’ on the corner daily My heart’s turnin’ cold Ice running through my veins My dreams turn to nightmares With blood comin’ down as rain The hate I feel every day Is f—— up my brain I can’t stop madness It’s driving me insane Look into my eyes Pain is underlyin’ Some nights I stay awake Too weak from all the cryin’ Sometimes I get so mad I can kill a f—— brick

I made it all this way Ain’t no way that I’ll quit.

Cindy, Cinderella

Cindy Cinderella Dressed in yella Went downtown To see her fella How many kisses did she get? One, two. Cindy, this one’s for you Three, four. Tell me, did she score? Five, six. Foxes. Check out this Seven, eight. Don’t stay out late Nine, ten. I better see you again

Cindy, Everything I feel for you can’t be explained. I don’t know where to start. All I know is that you are very real. You don’t put on airs. You shoot from the hip. You have a lot of class. You carry yourself very well. You don’t have to be perfect as far as I’m concerned. Your beauty, inside and out, make you very special. I love you just the way you are. I’ll be there always, Johnnie

Dig My Grave

Dying is easy Living is hard Facing the truth Is only part I know that loving Any man I can’t do it It’s not in the plan I want to close my eyes And never open them up I want to so bad It fills my cup My life is nothing To write home about It’s all f—— up Without a doubt The silver lining In this dark cloud

Is my sweet babies They make me feel proud Sitting right across from me Is John A. Bellegante His eyes are so sad Looking at them makes me mad I know he’s sad because of me Maybe I should let him be I think his life would be much better I know, my eyes would be much wetter I can’t live my life without him Even if my chances were slim But if to save him I say goodbye Dig my grave, ’cause I would die.

I Close My Eyes

I close my eyes and all I see Is all the people hurting me I see a really dark cloud I scream, but not out loud I keep it all totally inside I feel there is no place to hide I know I should try to dream But I see demons, really mean I can never go right to sleep The pain, it runs too deep It’s really hard for me to try To be happy. And I don’t know why I just need to end this pain To walk alone, in the rain So the rain can hide my tears And all the hurt will disappear I guess you can say I want to go But there’s no place, I really know

To run and hide would be so nice For peace, I’d pay any price.

Happiness

Happiness is something I think we need It nurtures the soul And plants the seed The seed of hope The seed of faith All you do Is participate Happiness is wonderful It makes you feel great If you’re willing to go for it It’s well worth the wait.

Sharon

I think you’re very nice Wonderful at any price A special person indeed I hope you will succeed In everything you do After you leave the zoo crew I wish you plenty of love All from heaven above To live in God’s great light And forever shine bright Become a success. Do what you feel is best But do it with God. I love you always.

A Special Goodbye

A special goodbye for you Full of caring and loving too To do with as you wish For the mouse who become a b—— I wish you plenty of love That heaven sends from above To live in God’s great light And forever may you shine bright I think you’re very nice Wonderful at any price A very special person indeed I hope in love you will succeed.

Gloria

I wonder why they call her glow I think she puts on quite a show A bag of wind. Hear her blow , girl, you reap what you sow Take your time. Take it slow The anger should have been gone a long time ago You’re a wonderful person. That I know Carry us with you wherever you go Take our love. Let it flow Watch it blossom. Feel it grow I walk down the hall. I look up. Whoa! Gloria’s flying by. Look out below!

The Misery of Addiction

I feel fine! I feel great! I got it all under control. I can do it! Right!? I don’t know what I feel I just hope this isn’t real I just got a great surprise I took a ride on the enterprise! Hey! Look there! I see Scottly He introduced me to Mr. Potty Some people call ’im Mary Jane I just call him Mr. Pain He hangs around just to play He’ll totally make or destroy your day He comes around once in a while Hanging with him is totally in style But let’s not forget his homey, Shine Knowing her completes the bind Her name is short for the mighty sun Where everything ends, and everything begun

Cocaine’s the b——. She’ll blow you away She’ll make you crawl, then make your day She’ll make you think of only her You’ll change totally, you’ll transfer You can’t fight her. She’ll always win To fight her, you enter the lion’s den You fight for your life. You fight for your soul But you’re slipping fast. You have no hold I stop fighting. I give in Then the total misery begins You die inside. You become a zombie Your world starts to look crumbly If I keep doing this, I’m going to die I’m not happy inside I need to have help. I cannot hide I don’t understand. I’m so confused I am going to blow a fuse It’s too much, I can’t do it I can’t do it. I can’t do it. Why, you know Why, you know what you have to do

Do it, Johnnie. Do it Surrender. You can’t Win if you don’t fight It’s the only way You know what you are. You know what you’ve become A drug addict. A nothing. A bum. You have no life. You have no home Your soul is destined to roam Why me! I always say Is there a price I have to pay? Tell me, please. Let me know, Only fast, before I go. I don’t when, I don’t know where But living like me is living a dare Only God knows why I’m not well Only he can break the spell I have to do something. I have to try Johnnie, you know that if you Don’t do it, you lose anyway Go to jail. At least there you Will be safe. You are out of control

You can’t do it by yourself. I Only regret leaving John. I will miss him But I’m doing the right thing. Plus I won’t be forever. I can write him Too. I love John. I really do. If I don’t stop, I may lose him to. So I’m doing it for my love. So he can have The real me. Wife, mother, lover, friend. It’s going to hurt him a lot. I know it But I’m hurting him more by doing drugs We won’t break up. I know it. I think! My kids are going to disappear. Andrew First. There’s no telling what’s gotten into him in that place. He’s so alone He’s so cold. He needs me to cover him Up at night. He’s so alone. I can’t, I have to save him. I have to get him Out of there. I have to win. I love you. Andrew. I want you. I need my children. My children Are gone, gone, gone, gone.

Winter Wonderland

(I wrote these for greeting cards. I never sent them in.)

Winter is so cool Winter is so white Winter is so gray Bundle up tight I love snowball fights I love the changing seasons I wouldn’t change anything Not for any reason.

Johnnie

Johnnie, Johnnie, I love you You’re so pleasant and smart Where’d you get that personality From Jewel or maybe Kmart.

Love Is Like a Pistol

Love is like a pistol You just point and shoot You wipe it off, pay them off And then give them the boot.

I Truly Love You

I really, really love you I really, really do I just wanna kiss you Just because you’re you! Let me make love to you Under the sky so blue I want to be near you I shed my tears for you I’ll write a song for you Every word is true I’ll place no one above you Because I truly love you.

Little Miss Christor

Little Miss Christor Sat on a thistle Drinking a 7Up pop Along came a Faa Faa And yelled and screamed, Mom-my And frightened Miss Chistor away Little Thomas Horner Wasn’t a er But wanted to get with the crowd He bought a new hat But was blind as a bat And the children just laughed out loud.

Today Is Your Day, Mom

Today is your day, Mom I wanted you to know I think you are the “bomb,” Mom And I love you so So, on this special day, Mom I give you all of me My life, my love, my hope, Mom For you, I charge no fee I love you, Mom.

Hickory Dickory Dock

Hickory dickory dock I guess you think you’re a jock Then start looking up You’ll fall in your cup Hickory dickory dock One for the money Two for the show Three to get married Then I don’t want no mo’.

My Beautiful Little Valentine

My beautiful little valentine How I love you so Your eyes twinkle and shine Your sweetness makes you glow I give you all my love I give you all my dreams I’ll give you the stars above I’ll make you my king Happy Valentine’s Day!

About the Author

Hi, I am an addict. I am in recovery, but I am an addict till the day I die. I want other addicts to read and find themselves in my thoughts. I hope my poetry can help someone to get clean. Even if it’s only one person. I hope it’s more, but my thoughts are all here for you. God bless.