From 0 To 60: A Poetic Journey 6c1i59

FROM 0

TO 60

A POETIC JOURNEY

BARBARA LEWTER-SPELLER

FROM 0 TO 60 A POETIC JOURNEY

Copyright © 2021 Barbara Lewter-Speller.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

iUniverse 1663 Liberty Drive Bloomington, IN 47403 www.iuniverse.com 844-349-9409

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only. Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

ISBN: 978-1-6632-2212-1 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6632-2213-8 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2021908613

iUniverse rev. date: 04/30/2021

Contents

Dedication

Introduction

If I Could Rule The World Today

My Babies and Me

Love Will You Ever Be Mine?

Despair

Baby Girl

“If I Should Die”

What Love Will Do

Spinning

Me – The Gemini

My Heart

Last Night

Me

My Brother

Traveling

Dee #1

Hanging Out

A Visit

Wounded

I’m Not Afraid

I Cry

Let Me Be Me

Do You

A Smile

My Baby – My Man – My Child

“Living”

“I Feel”

A Physical Beauty

Trapped

Birthday Blues

I See

A Few Quiet Moments

Reality

Candle in A Glass

This is My World

What is A Brother

I Want

Please excuse me

Just Let Me Cry

No Better Love

If We are to be Together

Death

(untitled)

The Countdown

What Have I Done – A Plea To My Mother

Those Who Forget The Past are Condemned To Relive It

“It’s Nothing Personal” Ch. 8 NBC

If I Can Make It Through The “Weekend”

When Does The Pain Go Away

Don’t Want To – Don’t Have To

I Want A Man

Living On Love

I Just Want To Be

Things I Never Said

From Zero to Twenty-Five The Hard Way

Inside You

My Phenomenal Woman

The Plan

Am I Afraid I Can’t Do It

Lost and Found

Mama!

The Books

Peace and Hope

A Mother To Us All

My Fate

For My Father

Work, Learn, Play and Pray

It Didn’t Stop Her

Mama Said

I’ve Got

My Children – All Three

I Want My Mama

A Moment

I’ll Press On

Looking Back

The Midnight Hour

How I Got Here

Giving God The Glory

Dedication

First, giving honor to God, the Father, Jesus Christ, my Savior and the Holy Spirit, my Comforter, my heart is filled with gratitude for how you’ve kept me all these many years.

In loving memory of my mother, Kay s, who loved and chastised me sometimes all at once and my father, Arthur Lee (Rev. Dr., that is) whom through God’s grace allowed us to have a beautiful relationship.

To my brother, Johnnie, who told my mother to never let me forget my dream; to my children, Lisa, YaYa and Renaldo who traveled this journey up close and personal with me, and to all of you who encouraged, pushed, pulled, dragged, nagged and offered tools to equip me; my heartfelt thanks and much love for your faith in me.

To name names is impossible for there are so many who have played an intricate part in the culmination of this work but I would be remiss if I did not give honor to my husband, Edward who jumped on a train that already had a full car and lots of baggage to boot.

Special Thanks:

Mr. Haney who shipped me off to my first poetry contest; a great financial advisor and very dear friend;

Nadine, my cheerleader, friend, typist, tech , shoulder to cry on and all around ride or die chick!!

Faye and SanRel, my Prayer Warriors who got me through many, many hard days and nights.

There’s so many more old and new; you know who you are!!

My Great-Grandmother, Mahalia, told me as a child that my heart was big enough to love any and everybody I ever wanted to and I have and always will; my glass is only half full with plenty of room for more even until it overflows.

God has blessed me with a multitude of family, friends, loved ones, a great and gracious pastor and church family and even facebook friends and family I have yet to meet.

I pray you my readers (if you haven’t already) will open up the doors of your hearts and

Let Love In!!

Introduction

This book of poems is a rollercoaster of pure unadulterated emotions tethered with innermost thoughts poured onto paper for the world to see. It contains words of agony, joy, self-realization, quiet prayers and deepest sentiments for others; together with the knowledge that God and time will see one through life’s long journey.

Intentionally and for personal reasons, the poems are not completely aligned in chronological order; so just enjoy the ride!

If I Could Rule The World Today

The School had a quiet rush about it; teachers and staff were running through the halls and whispering to one another, from past experience I knew that something was going on. After what seemed like forever, they doubled up the classrooms and started to roll in TV’s. They were showing recaps of what had happened just moments before. The President of the United States of America had been shot. Mortally wounded; as we were about to be told.

I trembled with fear that the only person in a position to help my people get in position to be treated fairly during my generation was about to die and my heart stood still as we all watched the film of John F. Kennedy being hit by a bullet and slumping over into his wife’s lap. It was truly one of the coldest days of my life and I was only 10.

As the children and teachers around me began to cry as the report came in that the President was dead; I found myself wondering what it would be like if “I” could rule the world.

IF I COULD RULE THE WORLD TODAY THE PEOPLE WOULD LIVE A DIFFERENT WAY

THERE WOULD BE LOVE, PEACE, HAPPINESS AND JOY FOR EVERY GIRL AND EVERY BOY

ALL THE CHILDREN WOULD WALK HAND IN HAND AND SPREAD LOVE, PEACE AND HAPPINESS ALL OVER THIS LAND

MY SPACESHIPS WOULD TRAVEL FROM JUPITER TO MARS AND WE WOULD LIVE IN PEACE AS A WORLD AT LARGE

IF I COULD RULE THE WORLD TODAY THE PEOPLE WOULD LIVE IN A DIFFERENT WAY

THERE WOULD BE LOVE, PEACE, HAPPINESS AND JOY FOR EVERY GIRL AND EVERY BOY.

NOTE: The original of this poem has been lost; however, it was published in the Booker T. Washington, Jr. High School newspaper during the 1966-1967 School Year (This re-creation is from memory “only”).

My Babies and Me

When I was 15 I bore my first child I had to stop and think for a while

I went back to school and got pregnant again I knew for my life that this was the end

I married a man I hardly knew And wished I never had before we were through

Then came my son and another life had just begun But soon the marriage ended and there sat all three

Each one totally dependent on me

I finished my education and got a job Too much pride to steal or rob

The roads have been rough and I’ve tried to be tough

I have to make it I can’t give up

I’m paying the bills and buying the food This sometimes leaves me in a very strained mood

And though eleven years have now gone by Still fighting for survival not asking myself why

Now looking around there sits all three Yes we’re still together

My Babies and Me

At twenty-five divorced and the mother of three I had almost begun to feel desperate; I was becoming impatient and it seemed like such a long, long time and my time had to be soon but nevertheless, love just wasn’t what the good Lord had in store for me.

Sometimes I’d just know that this is it; I’ve finally found my once in a lifetime dream but before I could bat an eye it was gone.

One evening very late I was sitting on the floor listening to some music wondering why I was all alone. So I asked the wind a question.

Love Will You Ever Be Mine?

One of the greatest mysteries of my life is Love Love is the one thing that can put me in a state of confusion

Why do you elude me? I long to have you

Why do you tease me? Making me think I have you And then you’re gone

Why do you abuse me? Hurting me over and over and over again

Why do you taunt me? Knowing I can’t have you You still appear

You prey on my weakness My desire to have you My yearning to share you

Yet you still play games with me Do you think I can’t handle it?

I can be as good to you As you are to me And just as sweet too

Still you won’t let me have you What have I done to deserve this?

Tell me what the reason is At least then I’ll understand

Right now I’m lost, alone and scared

And once again You play your same old tune again

Making my heart bloom

But tell me this Is it real this time?

I’ve waited such a long, long time

Love Will you ever be mine?

Depression is an emotion that has hovered over most of my life. I’ve often wondered why. At first I thought I must have been a reincarnation of someone very evil; then I thought God had just forgotten me. As I grew older and after many serious conversations with my mother, I came to realize depression was normal and I would have to learn to deal with it.

One evening I had a real bad case of the blahs. I tried to reason my way out of it but depression, despair and all that goes with it had a strong hold on me. Nothing was going right and it seemed I was headed nowhere fast.

That feeling led to the following lines.

Despair

Somehow I know I’m headed for nowhere but I keep on going I’m not sure when or where to stop nor how or why to stop But I know I’m headed nowhere

A part of me says have faith and it will all work out A part of me says have faith but don’t play crazy It all sounds so logical and rational

But my gut says be careful, you’re treading shaky ground Somehow it seems no matter what I choose, I lose

But that’s life or is it Heading nowhere is not where I need to be Not where I want to be

But it’s where I am

My youngest daughter, Yolanda, had just come out of surgery. Although the operation was a minor one, somehow I couldn’t take it lightly. I sat in the chair waiting for her eyes to open. She saw me but was still a little dizzy. Something inside wanted to cry, but I knew I shouldn’t. So I decided to write to occupy my mind. At first nothing happened, and then the thought occurred to me, that was my baby girl lying in that bed; she was almost nine years old but still she was my baby girl.

Baby Girl

I looked through the window and there you were Tiny and cuddly like a ball of fur Bald as an eagle and almost black as coal To me you were worth your weight in gold I took you home like a good mother should You cried all night like I knew you would You grew tall and skinny and your hair got thick I knew only your Auntie could do that trick I watched you daily to see if I could see Just how much you’d turn out like me You bounced and bubbled and talked so much I knew were blessed with my loving touch Someday you’ll be famous known all over the world But forever and always you’ll be my Baby Girl

For Yolanda a/k/a Baby YaYa

“If I Should Die”

If I should die before I wake, I wonder what everyone will think? I’m sure they’ll all start to say “Why I was just with her yesterday.”

She was laughing, talking, and shooting the bull Just having fun was her golden rule.

Oh there will be some that will sigh And they’ll say “I knew it would happen by and by.”

But I live each day as it comes and plan for the future never forgetting the past I refuse to let this cold, cold world knock me on my ass.

I’m not all the things folk think I should be; But I have comfort in knowing I’m only being me.

So if I should die before I wake “I pray the Lord my soul to take.”

And to the world, my loved ones, friends and enemies I have only one life a life the Lord above saw fit to give.

So live this life I’ll surely do

And it matters not if it pleases you!!

More times than one, people are heard to say “I’ll never do this” or “I’ll never do that”. But at one point or time in life you have to eat some of those words. I when a man over thirty was too old, when a married man was the last road, when shacking was out of the question; but most of all I when I laid down the law about what I would and would not take off of a man. Time brings about a change in everybody; and some of the things I felt at eighteen, had really changed by the time I was twenty-five. By this time I was aware, more than ever “What Love Will Do”.

What Love Will Do

Love is a very interesting subject Love is a very powerful emotion Love is one of the few things in life that can give as much pleasure as it can give pain

And there’s very little Love won’t do

Love will make you strong and Love will leave you alone Love will take you to the highest peak and Love will break you and make you very weak

Love will make you say yes when your head is saying no And that’s not all that Love will do what you see is only a few

Love will close your eyes and make you blind It will block the truth away from your mind

Love will make you smile when you really want to cry Love will make you tell the truth even when you want to lie

There’s so much more that could be added to this list But we’ll stop now and end with this

Don’t ever say what you will or will not do Cause when you’re dealing with Love there’s no telling What Love Will Do

Spinning

Even as I write these words, the truth swells up inside. A truth so unexplainable, I try so desperately to hide. The answers to my questions must be hidden deep within my mind. Answers so contemptible, no psychologist or psychiatrist not even I will ever find. What scares me most is my ability to cover in my façade. Those most eminent and possibly dangerous emotions within my heart My heart and soul are heavy, my mind is so confused and yet I manage to keep those about me so confident and amused.

I wonder if anybody knows how I feel Or if they even care

My life appears like a spinning wheel Turning and turning yet getting nowhere

In my constant quest for progress So many times I seem to digress

My problems aren’t insurmountable But my efforts are hastened by stress

I want to tell somebody how I really feel Someone must know the truth but only if it’s God’s will

My reasoning has no reasons Like weather knows seasons

Like notes played out of time And poems that never rhyme

I’m hot when it’s cold I’m young but I feel very old

Does anyone even want to know the truth Or should my story remain untold

Me – The Gemini

To put into words all the different sides of me would take forever My most dominant personalities are Survival and Procrastination

Survival gives me the will to live, the energy to work, the ability to smile and by myself Procrastination on the other hand allows me to do nothing Absolutely nothing

The effort and force these two exert battling for supremacy could be put to better use Combined I would be awesome

There’s no doubt “Survival” shall always rule Always have and always will

My Heart

If my body was as heavy as my heart I’d weigh almost 300 pounds

If my purse was as heavy as my heart I couldn’t lift it off the ground

Happy and carefree is what my face shows What is deep in my heart nobody knows

Got to shake this feeling Tired of being this way

All I know to do is to get on my knees and pray

Last Night

Last night

I stayed out too late

And drank too much

So I didn’t go to school today

Along with a hangover

Mother Nature came over

So I laid in bed all day

Me

Who’s Me? I’m Me. But who are you? I’m Me. No, I don’t think you understand. I mean who are you? Why are you here? I’m Me! What I mean is what did you do to make you significant? Now, I don’t understand. What do you mean? Well, did you invent a cure for a rare disease? No! Did you come up with a feasible solution to end the war? No! Well, who are you? I’m Me! O.K. Me, are you a teacher that made some great break through with a physically or mentally challenged child? No. Are you a doctor who performed an impossible operation?

No. Well Me, I can’t seem to find any significance in you, about you, or to which you are associated. So, tell me, who are you? I’m Me, I keep telling you, I’m Me, I’m Me! But who are you, Me, tell me please, who are you? Look inside and you’ll see. I’m a person, with feelings, with knowledge, with potential. I’m loving, caring and sharing. No, I have not performed any great deed yet, though someday, I might! But right now, I’m all I know how to be. I’m Me!

And now I will show you!

I now feel good about myself, my life, my children, my education, my career goals, and sometimes, I get bold and think I’m kind of cute.

Sometimes, my old fears come creeping in, but I read my poems and that my mother always said “I cried because I had no shoes until I saw a man that had no feet.”

Note: My Mother’s quote has multiple origins and versions.

My Brother

My 24 year old brother, the love of my life, was off in New York fighting the biased Fashion and Design job market. I wanted to write him a letter of encouragement. I thought about how I forced him to read my poetry when he was home; so I decided to write one just for him. I knew he would get a kick out of it. So I entitled this poem for whom it was written “My Brother”

You’re a success story like no other You’re a success not just because you’re my brother

You went off into the world young and bold You managed to succeed without growing old

You’ve got charm personality intelligence too It’s very obvious I’m related to you

My friends all ask “how’s your brother” most don’t even know your name But they know you’re my brother and you’re headed towards fame

Guts, determination, it’s all the same Stick with God and you’ll always win the game

Traveling

On my way North with my aunt and cousin to a camp for the men to pick peaches; something completely foreign to me, my eyes flowed back at the highway and winding roads; then a feeling came over my whole being asking why instead of looking forward to the roads ahead are you looking back?

While traveling down the long roads of life

Don’t be discouraged or dismayed

Look forward to the future with zest and zeal

For it’s not so far you have to go

When you think about how far you’ve already come

DD

Dee #1

It’s only been a few hours Since first we met

We talked You laughed I cried

Somewhere between then and now We touched

Ecstasy

ion Fantasy Dream

The sun cleared away the clouds Of our moments together

You see clearly I think rationally

We say “Later”

Hanging Out

Hanging out is loads of fun Time spent Nothing done

Lots of laughter Plenty of cheer Can’t get a thing done Sitting here

Drinking cold beer Dancing to the Music

That’s the way the party people do it

Got to get away Change the atmosphere

Want to get ahead

Can’t Do It Here

A Visit

I’m only here for a visit I don’t really live in this world

Though I often feel I belong here I only stopped for a while

You see I live in another world And it’s quite different from yours

My world is quiet uninviting and far away Little excitement little enjoyment lots of boredom

So I come to your world only for a visit To lose myself in this place and time

In a while I’ll go back to the place where I live Leaving you in your world returning to mine

Wounded

In your search for new love Let caution be your guide

Though often you may feel you should run and hide Cover your scars and mend your wounds before you start your ride

Be cool and don’t treat everyone you meet like a criminal Just be aware

A dog can spot a wounded animal

I’m Not Afraid

I’m not afraid to say I love Not afraid to express my love

I’m not afraid to say I’m mad Not shame to show I’m glad

I’m not afraid to say I’m hurt Not to proud to say my face was in the dirt

I Cry

Tonight I cry But Why

My enemies are far away And yet the hurt stays

My pain is because of you This agony is not due

I cry because you hurt me A hurt you don’t even see

You are my friend and my lover Above you I place no other

Only I am qualified to hurt myself Just me and nobody else

You My Dear Are Out Of Place

Let Me Be Me

Let me be me I’m not such a bad person

Though I it I’m no angel.

Yes, I can be sneaky, conniving, and quite surprising But I won’t resort to treachery, manipulation or lies

I’m pure woman and I won’t give up my pride If I can’t do what I want to do when I want to If I can’t be what I want to be when I want to be Then in my estimation I’m not really free

Someday I’ll change and might be what you expected But change should be gradual, real, and without hesitation Change that is forced breeds resentment and misunderstanding.

As someone famous once said “I am what I am” I’m no more but no less than you

Love me for me not for what you want me to be

Let me be me Trust me I’m good at it!

Do You

When you would draw 50 paper dolls And design dresses for them all

When studying was a game we played So we always got good grades

When we exercised together for weeks on end My waistline got bigger and yours got thin

When you graduated and went off to college And I stayed home pushing the baby carriage

When I think about the old days I feel so good What used to be our playground streets and alleys is now called the Hood

I’m so very glad to know you’re always there when I pick up the phone Because it always brings back sweet memories of the place we called home

For Johnnie

A Smile

I met a little girl about four or five years old on the bus to Ft. Lauderdale; she did not speak a word of English yet in a short while with a few smiles and affirmative nods we became friends.

A smile is a smile in any language It closes the gap between many strangers

Our words may not be clearly spoken But a smile is a gift not just a token

Though we may not understand the words we speak A smile can make friends out of you and me

My Baby – My Man – My Child

It was not so long ago you were just a child Somehow it seems it lasted just a little while

Now here you stand a grown up man With all the determination it takes to say I can

Once my, Baby, Now my Man

All my dreams All my plans

I’m so proud of you I have to say out loud

Once my Baby

Now my Man

Always my Child

For Renaldo

“Living”

Some say I live too much in the past But the past is where my sweetest memories lie

Some say I live too far into the future But the future holds the realization of my dreams

I like to think I’m more of an optimist than a pessimist and always a realist

My present sometimes gets too much to handle though someday I’ll look back on it There are very few moments in my now that I wouldn’t trade off in a minute

So I live for today while looking forward to tomorrow without ever forgetting yesterday

And as long as I have Life I’ll live it come what will or may

“I Feel”

I feel like a ship far out on the ocean Lost in a cloud of love and devotion

I feel like a bird flying high in the sky I must come down but I don’t know why

I feel like a stranger in my own home A stranger that even I have never known

I feel like a little girl not knowing what to do But I know I’m a woman through and through

I feel like driftwood floating out to sea This is all so odd because I don’t feel like me

A Physical Beauty

Oh to be a physical beauty, what a wonderful catch I’d be There would be no man in all the land who could find another like me

I’m intelligent and witty, but never too giddy I’ve got charm and grace, and a sense of humor that knows its place.

Personality galore Who could ask for more.

Oh to be a physical beauty, what a catch I’d be.

You see in my own personal opinion, there’s not another quite like me.

But alas, the truth is drawing nearer, as I stand here looking into the mirror. Old fashion glasses, thin eye lashes, a face full of splotches from a rash of acid.

A simple flat chest and hair that sometimes resembles a little bird’s nest.

Oh to be a physical beauty, what a glorious catch I’d be. But because of all my physical defects, most men hardly ever notice me.

Of all the finer attributes I know I possess, sometimes I look at myself and say surely you jest.

I just want to be pretty, for the sake of looking into the mirror and not getting depressed.

I guess all my beauty is inward, which really isn’t so bad.

I could be pretty and be a hateful wench. But oh to be a physical beauty, what a catch I’d be.

You see I finally realized there are not many finer than me.

Unfortunately, I cannot tell you in words what brought about the writing of this poem; maybe later. I only know that while sitting on the side of my bed one night, I felt the need and began to write. The following words express, in short form, what was deep within my soul at that very moment. It took longer to write the reason than it did to write the poem.

Trapped

My doors are open yet they are closed My walls are caving but nobody knows

I’m usually loud and hard to ignore My silence troubles me more and more

My friends think it’s funny because I’m always bright and sunny I only wished my problems ended with money

Behind closed doors I cry my heart out Sometimes during the day I want to scream or shout

I’m trapped in a world with no way out I’m trapped in a place where I have no clout

What can I do in a position such as this I’ve prayed to God I know I can’t miss

Birthday Blues

Hey my birthday is just a few days away My heart just wants to go out and run jump and play

But somehow I’ve got the Birthday Blues Just because it’s my birthday that ain’t no big news

You see I’m about to be thirty-six years old And everybody knows by now My story’s been told

There is one thing I want you to know I won’t give up my dreams I can’t let go

So Blues get behind me and let go my heart

Because this Birthday is going to be a “Brand New Start”

I See

You say you want to show me something, something you don’t think I see Something about a few of the people that always hang around me

But I’ve been around these people if only for a while I’ve watched and listened long enough to get a good look at their style

You look into my eyes in search of seeing what’s inside of me I hope you’re not too surprised to find you only saw what I wanted you to see

I’ve seen the things you wish to point out; that you can believe without a doubt I see a lot of things even when I’m on the inside looking out

I see the look in their eyes when they talk to me I sometimes see things I don’t want to see

You see I’m a woman just as they are I’ve learned how to see things by sitting from afar

But it’s not my friends I think about when I plan ahead in my life It’s my man and our relationship and if I can deal with being his wife

I look into your eyes and heart every time you speak And believe me I’m not always looking for marriage and love at its highest peak

I see the way you look at me whenever we’re together It’s not always the look of love and happiness that will last forever and ever

And that’s okay it’s really too soon for all that But any man I set my hooks in sooner or later I’ll catch

So don’t you worry about showing me the things you think I cannot see You just put your concentration and efforts in this relationship between You and Me

A Few Quiet Moments

Oh for just a few quiet moments I long to have them near Just a few quiet moments long gone away from here

I yearn not for more party’s new places or new faces My life already entwined like tangled shoe laces

My solitude will not turn into loneliness Only a shelter for me to make better my best

I long to let my heart run free Departing from all that harnesses me

There must be restraint this I know Without it my life could suffer yet another crushing blow

So give me these few quiet moments it’s all I ask Just a few quiet moments should complete the task

I’ve got futures to attend to success to acquire Obstacles to overcome I’ve got to grow higher

I need no other in your stead this I must do alone The very thought of it chills me to the bone

But in a few quiet moments I could solve all that too I would eat sleep walk and talk alone none of which is new

I just want you to understand What a few quiet moments would do

Reality

There are so few things I want And so many things I need

Though my needs out number my wants My wants sometimes outweigh my needs

The decision between the two is a logical one Since I must have most of the things I need

I will have some of the things I want

Candle in A Glass

When first lit, the fire is big and bright Like the eyes of a new born baby in a nursery Light

As the burning continues and life goes on The illumination seems to fade and the eyes grow red

First brighter then dark and bright again then dark and bright As the fire struggles to remain above the melting wax

Like a child growing up in this igniting world Striving to reach above the obstacles of life

The glass becomes hot as the spark attempts to blaze Indicative of the law when a man rebels or acts out of rage

The candle only needs to burn as a man needs to live The world is a glass house and life is very competitive

This is My World

This is My World

I invited you in

To share

Not overtake

To enjoy

Not find fault

To understand

Not ridicule

I didn’t say I would change it

I only invited you in so we could be together

Don’t Push It!!!

What is A Brother

A brother is the little boy you used to look down at Now you look up to

A brother may not always agree with you or thoroughly understand you But he’s always there to talk to

A brother ventures out into the world And does his best to make it on his own

A brother never forgets his sisters, brothers or mother He always comes back home

A brother is the guy you used to beat up on Now you find he’s good to lean on

A brother to his sisters may sometimes seem odd But I know for sure my brother is a gift from God

I Want

I want to be just what I want to be Not what others think I should be

I want to feel like I want to feel It matters not if it’s fantasy or real

More than anything else in the universe I want my feelings to come first

I don’t want to be hard and cold And I’m not anxious to be wild and bold

I can deal with all this stress and strife It’s been a constant part of my life

But I can’t go on trying to be what you think I should I don’t really want to even if I could

I have a need a need to be free Free to be just what I want to be

Please excuse me

I didn’t mean to get in the way

It’s just that today is not one of my days

Everything has gone wrong and I feel so all alone

I felt like I wanted to be by myself Then I realized I couldn’t face myself

Oh! Please excuse me

I didn’t mean to be rude

But I really needed someone to talk to you

And that someone is you

Just Let Me Cry

I called so you could just let me cry Why “you” I don’t even know why.

I hate it because my best friend is dead And only she knew what’s really inside my head.

Right now I really need you And it’s because only you will do.

I know you’ll listen while my tears flow And hear unsaid what only I know.

I called myself not you instead As the tears fall on the pillow of my bed

Only I can listen while I just cry And choose not ask myself

“Why”

No Better Love

I had a friend whose sexual preference did not quite agree with the norm. And yet loved with deepness, a sincerity that could not be matched by many I had known. His mate was no different; loving, caring and sincere. Their relationship was unique, special and for real. For those two people I dedicate this poem.

No Better Love Than a love that’s real and true

No Better Love Than the love between me and you

No Better Love Than the little birds in the sky

No Better Love Than me and you sharing a high

No Better Love Than the beautiful flowers in spring

No Better Love Than us doing our thing

Gentlemen, and I use that term loosely; I have come to a very profound peak in my life. I have been loved, amused, abused And misused. This kind sir must come to an end. I have come to a very definite decision. From this I have written and vowed to live by the following:

If We are to be Together

If we are to be together; I want to be loved by you As your woman I will give my love to you;

You will have your freedom; Because I want, need and will have mine;

You will respect me as your Lady As I will respect you as my Man;

An understanding we will always have When you talk I will listen and when I talk you will listen;

With open eyes, hearts and minds, neither of us will ever miss an opportunity To compromise not cop on any situation;

You can always depend on me, if only for moral And I will depend on you; don’t you dare let me down;

You will put forth your half and I mine and anything more than 100% Will be shared equally between the two of us;

I will be your up when you are down, your heat when you are cold And your young when you are old;

I will be your woman, your lover and your very best friend And any and everything within reason your heart desires;

And you will be mine

All These Things Must Be If We Are To Be Together!!!

Death

I saw death walk off with a human life Never showed his face

I saw death creep up on a loved one Take her leaving only a trace

Love honor and respect will not allow me to let you go easily into Life’s greatest debt

Because I love you and need you and wish I could take care of you And I’m not willing to let you go yet

So watch out death I saw you before and now I’m watching out for you

More and More

(untitled)

It’s the will, the determination and the faith that’s kept me alive And I keep a lot of pep always in my stride

My friends and associates find me lots of fun They have no idea how I feel when my day is done

And that’s okay; I like cheering everyone up There’s a loving teaspoon in every cup

Yes, there’s a lot of Kay s in me; that’s true And I’m really glad; because I could be you.

I’m on the “countdown” to 40 and I have no fear Cause I can only get better year after year!

The Countdown

Well, I’m 9 days to 40 and my story is the same Unloved, unmarried Guess I’ve really lost this game

There’s time to hit the Lottery or the Fantasy Five Put all the bull behind me and all the jive

You’d think I should be miserable and just sit and cry Well I’ve already done that and asked myself “why?”

You see nobody listened; nobody even heard When I tried to express myself; they thought it absurd

Nobody saw my anger! My hurt or my pain They only saw my strength and that I should sustain

Well I’m almost 40 now; so be careful of your wish Cause I could really turn into a real ‘true Bitch’

I’m counting the days and the nights as well And one less morning that I think is swell

So many of my thoughts and feelings are on paper I put them there because I know it’s safer

No I don’t think if you knew, you’d love me less But what crosses my mind sometimes could cause a mess

I’ve tested my theory on each and every one of you And as I suspected all my results are true

You like me the way you see me; as you think I should be I wonder if you could handle me just being “Me”

I’m a lot like my mama and don’t get me wrong There’s no shame in my game I like being strong

What Have I Done – A Plea To My Mother

What have I done to make you look this way Your face so thin and pale, your hair so soft and gray

Was it my promiscuities as a child or my mistakes as a woman Was I once a bad little girl or is it the end results that sent you on this twirl

Your body is so limp and lifeless too This surely is not the way I you

Was it me who made you lose your fight Or is it something that haunts you late at night

All I is how much I’ve always loved you What is it that makes you do the things you do

What have I done to bring all of this about What is it that makes you feel so down and out

Is it something in your past I know nothing of I can’t believe there’s anything you can’t rise above

You are bold and brassy, bright and sassy Your IQ is as high as the birds in the sky

Tell me what have I done to make you feel this way And what I can do to make your tomorrow a brighter day

Those Who Forget The Past are Condemned To Relive It

“Highlander” The Series

I forget how much I resented it when My Mother drank.

When I started it was all in fun I guess I didn’t stop to think.

I suppose you got mad just like I did I knew better I was just being stupid.

I’ve struggled real hard and survived my past Let my mistakes be the “Last”.

For My Children

“It’s Nothing Personal” Ch. 8 NBC

Amanda Donohoe & Bruce Dern

In a scene from this movie Mrs. Donohoe said:

“Why don’t you stop sucking this stuff through your brains and get a job and start coping with life like the rest of us”

And you might say

Look at you; you’re job scared My girl over here; her face is red.

Bills eating your pockets; everything’s due Look at me; Man “look at you”.

I know I’m buzzing and everything’s funny But your life ain’t filled with milk and honey.

So you drive a nice car and wear good clothes And me I look like what nobody knows.

You got a nice home; a good woman too But I’m too high to wish I was you.

Your words ring true; you could be right But I’m not sure I can win this fight.

I say “Try I’ll help”

“Word to the ”

If I Can Make It Through The “Weekend”

If I can make it through the weekend I think I’ll be all right

Knowing Monday morning will slap me in the face Just a few hours after Sunday night

By Tuesday I think I’m back in control But Wednesday I begin to question that hold

Before I know it; it’s Thursday again And I look forward to another weekend

Can I make it? You Bet I can! Victory is in sight!

But right now

I just want to make it through the night

DD

When Does The Pain Go Away

Must I always live in the light of my past Will this pain forever last and last

All my wrongs will never be right But is the end of my pain ever in sight

Is there ever any justice for the pure in heart Will I ever be able to make a new start

When will the “Pain” ever go away And am I strong enough to stay another day

Don’t Want To – Don’t Have To

I don’t want to and don’t have to go through this I’ve got family, medical, professional and personal needs Some of these things I can neither ignore nor dismiss

Things don’t always go right for me And if you were really looking I’m sure you would see

More than 50% of my life is spent trying to please you Add in the rest and I barely have time to give God his due

I made a wish and my wish came true I asked God for a good man and he sent me you

If we are to be together prosper and succeed Your will and my will unto God we must heed

I don’t want to or have to go through this mess

If you don’t see, feel and know about my love for you Then I must ask myself “Why” am I going through

I Want A Man

I want a man, but not just any man I want a man who will love me, Take care of me and protect me

A man who will need me and be devoted to me and Most of all try to understand me

I want a warm and sensitive man A lighthearted and humorous man A strong and ambitious man

I want a man who will dance the night away with me A man who will walk out in the rain with me A man who will dare to dream with me

I want a man and not just any man I want my Man

Living On Love

I wonder if you realize you’re living on love Right now I’m not talking about that which comes from above

A love you reject neglect and misuse A love you sometimes even abuse

All it really takes is an open heart That’s the key to a brand new start

Stop pushing it and throwing it and stomping it on the floor Or one day you’ll look up and love will walk right out the door

I Just Want To Be

I just want to be

Loved

Respected

And to know my opinions matter

Or I just don’t want to be here

Things I Never Said

For you my little sister I write these words For you who hoped and prayed when nobody else would

For you who believed when nobody else would For you who had faith when you were not sure you should

These words I write for you because of the Love You Have For Me

You’re the rock of my Gibraltar You stand firm when I have no other

You believe in me and I appreciate that Because faith to me is where it’s at

You’ll give me your last not thinking about my past To me that Love will last and last

These things I’ve never said to you

But time has ed and I think you’re due

Time to say how much I Respect Love and Cherish You!!!

For Lydia

From Zero to Twenty-Five The Hard Way

From ten months to about eight years old I was somewhat of a “Frog Princess” I had everything a little girl could want but they said I was ugly And I believed it

From nine to fourteen as I grew up my whole world changed and I didn’t fit in though I tried But then I was ugly

From fifteen to nineteen were my formative years I was a baby raising babies A mother a wife a student and a child Yet I was still ugly

From twenty to twenty-five I became a “Big Girl”

There was a never known boldness a renewed Faith in myself and God And Alas I was not so ugly

Twenty-five years of God-given life basically wasted on low self-esteem Bad really bad decisions and the consequences thereof

Why didn’t somebody just tell me Did they tell me and I just didn’t hear

For my true beauty is in my spirit a love for all mankind A treasure I will cherish in my heart and in my mind And “No” I’m not ugly

I did twenty-five years the hard way trying to get it right Almost another twenty-five years my dreams are still in sight

God’s Love Grace and Mercy has brought me through He sees the beauty in me

Don’t You!

Inside You

Inside you beats the heart of men and women who were once Kings and Queens Leaders of nations you’ve heard of but have not seen

Inside you flows the blood of a man who was once a slave A woman very frightened turned strong and brave

Inside you burns the fire of the need to be free Dreams your ancestors fought and died for but did not live to see

Inside you breathes the remnants of a praying grandmother The fortitude and stamina of your father’s father

Inside you lives the Spirit of the Most Gracious and Holy One Let it lead and guide you until this life is done

Inside you are eyes that can see past the color of your own skin A will and determination that says no matter what I can win

Inside you sleeps the future of all mankind When history is told what will you leave behind

So take what is inside you let God forge it so that it serves you well Live your life in a manner that in years to come your story they will tell

From Kings and Queens to slaves and maids to inventors and corporate CEO’s You are more than a conqueror so stand tall and let it show

Because the only thing the world will ever see Is what is one the inside of you and me

My Phenomenal Woman

For all these years I’ve had the privilege to call you “My Daughter”

I have watched you rise and fall and get back up again All the time you remained “Fabulous”

From the beautiful smile on your face To your exquisite style and grace

To your fierce determination to “Keep It Moving” No matter the circumstance

I Salute You!!

My “Phenomenal Woman”

For Lisa

The Plan

Monday I had a great Plan And a made up mind

Tuesday I was beat up hurt again and almost defeated But still believed I could win

By Wednesday I was right back where I started And unsure of my fortitude

If I wake up on Thursday I will again be sure that though the battle goes on and on

By Grace and Mercy I know in time the war will be won For this battle is not mine and I am not alone

Am I Afraid I Can’t Do It

“Great fears is to expect the unknown Small fears eat away at your heart.”

I’ve always been afraid of one thing or another Mostly I hid behind a sister or a brother.

As time has ed the fears have grown Mostly the fear of what is unknown.

Will I be the fatal victim of a violent break-in Will my love survive through thick and thin.

All fears great and small trouble my heart But with God’s love each new day I start

Lost and Found

I must be moving much too fast Nothing I get ever seems to last

I know it’s true “What will be will be” And anything I miss wasn’t meant for me

But I’m always grasping, settling for less When deep down inside I know I deserve the best

My instincts tell me to be strong stand up show a little backbone You’re a big girl now not afraid to be alone

Yet I keep on reaching Thinking get it while you can

Never realizing that what I’m truly looking for Has always been right here in the palm of my hand

From a sound sleep, I heard the alarm clock go off. It was 4:30a.m. I had made a promise and was intent on keeping it but it was very early and I had a restless night, I was tired and sleepy and could barely move, so I decided to lay there a while. My mind started to turn; memories crept into my consciousness, memories of when I was younger. I could hear my mother calling me, to get up to go to school; but I was cold and sleepy and didn’t want to move. She’d push and shove and make me get up. Those were the days I thought as I lie in my bed, then out of nowhere I felt myself saying “Mama, I’m sleepy”. Within a flash I was out of bed, sitting at the kitchen table bowing my head. With pen and paper I started to write, it was as if Mama was there as a shining light. And before I touched one page of that report, I wrote this poem, for my Mama, whom I love very much.

Mama!

“Mama”

“Yes Babe”

“Mama, I’m sleepy”

“Mama!”

“I know Babe but you’ve got to stay awake”

“Well what should I do Mama?”

“Take a wet cloth and wipe the sleep from your eyes Babe”

“O.K. Mama”

“Mama”

“Yes Babe”

“Mama I’m tired”

“Mama!”

“Yes Babe”

“Mama I’m so tired”

“I know Babe but you can’t stop now”

“What should I do?”

“Slow your pace even your steps but don’t stop you’ve got to keep going”

“Mama”

“Yes Babe”

“Mama I’m lost”

“No you’re not Babe”

“But what am I going to do Mama?”

“Just close your eyes and say a prayer and God will show you the way”

“O.K. Mama”

“Mama”

“Mama I give up”

“Mama”

“Mama I give up”

“What!”

“I give up Mama I can’t make it I just can’t”

“There’s no such word as can’t because you can if you want to” “You’ve come too far to stop now and the best is yet to come”

“Mama”

“Yes Babe”

“Look at me Mama”

“I see you Babe”

“But Mama do you really see me”

“Yes Babe I see you you’re all the things I prayed you’d be and more And I’m real proud of you”

“Mama”

“Yes Babe”

“You know many years have gone by and yet you managed to remain calm and

kept me going You had faith in me Mama, You believed I could make it And the best part is that I did”

“Mama”

“Yes Babe”

“Thank you Mama”

“You’re welcome Babe”

The Books

Long ago we were challenged To learn and recite the Books of the Old Testament

There was a prize in it so you know I was down with it So I studied the list both day and night and tried and tried with all My might

Someone knew more so I didn’t win But I learned those Books and that ain’t no sin

Who knew that what I studied as a child Would be the same thing that would carry me through Life’s long mile

I still know those Books because I learned them by heart When I open my Bible I know where to start

Now learning what’s inside those Books I can repeat

And more times than one have found myself on the “Hot” seat

But that’s okay because it means I’m growing Coming to the realization that God is all knowing

Much Appreciation Ms. Cassie a/k/a Mrs. Castella V. Cooper

You know how outsiders like to talk about “church folk”. Well I’m here to tell you a true story about them.

Back in 2000 our Pastor, Elder Willie J. Gibson was very ill and I don’t know the details of he and Elder Robert Benn’s relationship but I will tell you this; there was a church meeting and we were asked to agree on two congregations worshiping together for a while.

You see Elder Benn’s church, Hope of Shiloh had been bought out to make room for the building of the new Middleton High School and their new building was not yet complete so the two churches, Peace Progressive and Hope of Shiloh would have service together as one until the new edifice was erected.

Well, I tell you, the preachers came together, the First Ladies, Sis. Wanda Gibson and Sis. Beverly Benn came together, the choirs combined with no problems, the ushers came together and the children all got along.

Listen, by the time Hope of Shiloh’s building was done it was bitter sweet because we had become one big happy family and didn’t want to part.

To honor that sweet fellowship comes “Peace and Hope”

Peace and Hope

Peace and Hope, two of God’s greatest Gifts in our lives

Peace quiets the storms that come upon us It settles all doubt that we can’t hold out

Peace gives us joy in our everyday lives It sustains us through all our trials and strife

And Hope sweet hope of what is to come Not only on earth but for when we go home

Hope keeps us alive looking forward to tomorrow It drives away all our pain and our sorrows

Peace and Hope who could ask for more With these two gifts our lives can soar

When you add to these God’s Mercy and Grace There’s nothing else to take its place

Peace and Hope have shared fellowship in one house While others around us said it couldn’t be done

Now Peace and Hope have grown in “Great Love” That love we all know comes straight from above

No chains can bind us or distance and time separate us For we have obeyed the one who created us

Now Peace and Hope will never part Because we were in God’s plan from the start

Jesus Did It and We Helped

In Loving Memory of Elder Willie J. Gibson Peace Progressive P.B. Church 1994-2000

Special Thanks To: Elder (Sgt. Maj.) Robert Benn

And Special Thanks To:

All the of Peace Progressive P.B. Church And Hope of Shiloh P.B. Church Thank You One And All!

Mo. Barbara Lewter-Speller

A Mother To Us All

I’m lucky because you taught us to share To treat everyone like family and always care

When others call you “Mama” I stop and think I could be without mine in only a wink

You’re a mother to us all always at our beckon and call Lovingly giving to each of us your all and all

Today is so special mostly because you’re here Your love and everlasting guidance is always so near

A “Mother” to us all is what you’ll always be Your qualities I pray will someday shine in me

My Fate

If I Could or Should or Would

If I could dare to put on paper What my heart really feels

If I should dare to uncover And leave behind for someone to discover

If I would ever try to understand That my life is someone else’s plan

For My Father

For many years my Father and I were estranged but Thanks Be To Go God we came together along with my siblings and developed a loving relationship and I was able to express these words to him.

I’ve been looking for a way and time to tell you this, what better time than “Now”!!

It took a long time for us to get to where we are today Somehow I believe God planned it that way

I’ve always loved you I’m sure you know Though time and distance did not allow me to show

We’ve lost yesterday but we look forward to tomorrow Put away all the pain and got rid of the sorrow

A new beginning is what we have now And we both know only God knows how

For A.L.L.

I Love You Daddy

Work, Learn, Play and Pray

I must work in order to earn a living

I must learn in order to gain wisdom

I must play in order to have rest and relaxation

I must pray in order to have the blessing and guidance of God

It Didn’t Stop Her

I had an alcoholic mother

But it didn’t stop her from teaching me right from wrong It didn’t stop her from teaching me the difference between pride, dignity and humility

Of strength, courage and constraint; the ability to speak when spoken to, to be silent when necessary but most of all to listen

Nothing stopped her from teaching me all the things I would need to be the woman I am today; to be lady at all times

Her faults, her weaknesses, her strengths, and her “I wish I could have been” fail in comparison to the words she whispered and oftentimes shouted and even the words she spoke I dare not repeat

Nothing stopped her from the wisdom she imparted, shared and gave so selflessly

No, nothing stopped her and I am all the better and blessed because of Her

Mama Said

Mama said so many things Sometimes I don’t it all

I the rights and wrongs and the dos and don’ts But some things I just can’t recall

At this point and time this And these things you must not dismiss

Be true to you and yours for self-preservation is the first law of nature

Put all of your trust and faith in God (follow His commandments) for He will never leave you nor forsake you

Love as you wish to loved and no matter what happens true love will find you

Spare the rod Spoil the child You will live to regret it

Treat your fellow man as you would treat yourself even if he or she mistreats you God will be on your side

Patience is a virtue

Determination and persistence is the key to success

And most important of all

Always reach for the moon because even if you miss it you will fall among the stars

These are only a few of the things Mama said I’m sure you’ve heard most of them and more

Never Forget

Always

What Mama Said!!!

Sometimes you have to take time to count your blessings.

I’ve Got

I’ve got the will the desire and the determination

To succeed

And with a little help from God

That’s all I really need

My Children – All Three

My children All three Are just like me Sometimes I think only I can see

My first – so bright so witty full of glee Her soul so full so endlessly free She can mix and mingle just like me

My second – so bold so outspoken and strong Only she knows when to feel she is wrong She’s the only one that knows when her song is sung

My third – so loving so ionate so full of care Yet willing to face life’s every dare So full of determination and I know from where

My children – all three Bright and witty – Bold and strong – Determined and free

Yes – my three children are all just like me

I Want My Mama

I want that mean woman who used to always say “No” The one when you asked why it was because “She said so”

She’s the reason I now know right from wrong Even though back then I was positive she was doing me wrong

But she was there to talk to me whenever I was down And if I was ever sick she was always around

Looking back it’s kind of funny The way she sometimes call me “Honey”

And slowly rub me across the head As she gently tucked me into bed

So even now when I look back over my life Through all the mess, snares and strife

I can truly “Thank God” for the woman He gave to me Someone to ire and pray someday I would be

Today I have to settle knowing I have a “Major Angel” among all the rest And be assured that no matter how much I loved her I know God loved her best

But

I still want “My Mama”

A Moment

In a selfish moment “I” comes before “You”

In a moment of comion “You” comes before “Me”

In a spiritual moment “Christ” comes before “I and You” and “You and Me”

Sometimes you just have to get your priorities straight

I’ll Press On

If my friends fail me or mistreat me I’ll Press On

And when my mind slips into darkness I’ll Press On

Though my flesh sometimes is still weak I’ll Press On

My family may not fully understand me But I’ll Press On

You see My God said he would never leave me Nor forsake me and I truly believe that

So my Faith will sustain me and maintain me No matter where I am at (that was grammatically incorrect but deal with it) I’ll Press On

Though I may not be what I should be I know I’m definitely not what I ought to be I’ll Still Press On

I know the enemy will never leave me alone No matter how much I try not to do wrong I’ll continue to Press On

I won’t let the chains of my now Keep me from the Glory of when I go home

Yes, I’ll Press On until God calls my name I strongly advise that you do the same

Don’t let that dark power tell you that you can’t be saved Giving your life to Christ will help you ride the waves

whatever happens you’re not alone Just do like me and keep on

Pressing On

Looking Back

Looking at a portrait of myself when I was only twenty-two years old; now that I am fifty-one years old, I asked myself do you love that girl?

At first my thoughts ponder the question while listening to music of when I was only fifteen and ing how much I used to loathe that girl.

Wondering why one song seemed to mean so much and then reaching for myself and feeling the tingling of my own touch I allow a slow trip down memory lane

Again I look at the picture on the wall ask myself do you love that girl?

If you love her you must love yourself; regardless of what time has brought about and what destiny and fate has lain in your path

As I think back through the tunnels of time I she was strong and focused and nothing was going to get in her way and of all the obstacles life had already shown her she was still determined to succeed

I look again and with a smile and no hesitation I can truthfully say yes “I Love That Girl” because

I Love Me

The Midnight Hour

It’s always about the midnight hour When my thoughts begin to flow

When I’ve made it through the day And watched some TV

I’ve pined over what I did and did not accomplish during the day

Then it’s time to turn off the TV and accept the day for what it was

My mind begins to travel at the speed of thought And it runs and runs and runs

I used to run from it Just pull the covers over my head And force myself to go to sleep

But now I stay up Take my pad

And I write!

How I Got Here

Originally this book was titled “My Book of Poems and the Reasons Why” but I came to the realization that most of them speak for themselves; each of these pieces hold great meaning and purpose; some out of the agony of love, others from the joys and struggles of life and some just from the depths of my heart.

So now you’ve walked with me from “Zero to Twenty-Five the Hard Way” to “A Few Quiet Moments” and back to “The Books”. As you’ve read these words know I’ve shared with you my deepest emotions an innermost thoughts.

My greatest hope is you’ve found that what is in one of us is in all of us at one time or another.

May God Richly Bless You

Giving God The Glory

After writing my first poem upon receiving the news of the death of President John F. Kennedy I thought nothing more about this God given talent and it would be years later before it truly manifested in my life.

During my junior high school days I participated in plays and oratorical contests but these were the words of others; later (much later) in junior college I learned to dissect works of poetry and literature, using contrasts and symbolism along with the history of the authors gave new meaning to my pieces.

Along the way to the place I find myself today I’ve written a couple of plays, occasion pieces and resolutions for those gone to be with the Lord; sometimes at the drop of a hat. You see I found a fountain flowing inside of me. This gift God gave allows me to take any subject matter and turn it into something meaningful and oft times beautiful.

While preparing for publication the thought came to mind that this is a sad story; but that is a lie of the enemy; I will never be ashamed of where God has brought me from and I am sure He will take me even higher.

So as you’ve read these pages please don’t feel sorry for me and be mindful not to judge because I am better, stronger, and more courageous than I’ve ever been in my life; my journey has been long and so often hard but I am a child of the Most High King and nothing can stop me or hold me down.

To God Be The Glory!!