The Mirror Never Lies v2p1t

It's the third night in a row waking up halfway through, covered in a cold sweat gasping for air. It's like I'm snapping out of a terrifying nightmare without any recollection of it. I can feel my mind slowly slipping away from me. A muffled voice has picked up residence in my head, and it's getting louder. I started talking to myself these past few weeks in the mirror, and everything I hear from the other side confuses and terrifies me. Most of the time, it doesn't even feel like I'm the one talking. I feel more doubtful every day, and I lost all of my confidence. I don't like who I see in the mirror anymore, and it appears the feeling's mutual. I know everybody talks to themselves every once in a while, but this feels different. At times, I don't have any control over the conversation. It looks like two people sputtering hate at each other with no intention of listening to what the other person has to say.

I lay back down and cover my head with the pillow, trying to block any sound. The morning will come soon, and once I start my daily routine, everything will be just fine. For some reason, I think that things are going to sort themselves out. I close my eyes tight and don't move, almost trying to force myself to sleep. I can't shake this eerie feeling that there's something in the room with me. I don't believe in ghosts or any supernatural stuff, but I can't explain this. It's almost like someone's leaning over me, reaching out to grab me. I swear I feel a cold grip on my shoulder. All the hair on my body rises, and I start shivering. I grip the pillow tighter and start mumbling to myself over and over that this isn't real. I am unable to move my body as if something is pinning it down. My heart is beating out of control, and it's about to jump out of my chest. There's a weird murmur in the room, and it's making its way to me. It feels like someone or something leans over me, trying to whisper something in my ear. But what I hear is loud and clear, and it's frightening.

-You're the only one to blame for this situation!

The voice in my head is loose, and it's screaming at me. The scream snaps me out of my sleep. I open my eyes and sit up. It appears there was a whole argument happening in my head. Is this what's been going on for the last couple

of weeks? Is my mind spiralling out of control? Is there more than one person residing in my head? Or is my subconscious trying to tell me something? I want to believe this isn't real, but the voice sounds very familiar and seems to be full of resentment. Am I unhappy with my current situation? Did I started hating my life and myself a while ago and didn't even realised it? All I know is that hate has become more and more present in my life lately. I hate most people I interact with, and all I see in them are flaws. The only decent interactions I have with people happen at work, but it doesn't feel real. It's all a front. I feel like I can't fit in anywhere. I can't find any joy in anything I do anymore. Nothing I do brings me any comfort, and I became very bitter inside.

My brain is throbbing, and my head feels like it's about to explode. I almost feel like another person grew inside my head, and it's trying to get out by any means necessary. This condition doesn't last very long, and everything calms down just as suddenly as it started. I'm clear-headed again, and I try to analyse what just happened, but I can't figure it out. It has to be a bad lucid dream! Nothing else makes sense. I'm too fucking old to be scared of the boogieman! I take a couple of deep breaths and manage to relax a little bit. My whole body feels exhausted. My mind can't seem to isolate and focus on a single thought, and very soon, I fall asleep.

The sound of my alarm clock wakes me up. It seems I am a little bit jumpy this morning. Cold sweat is covering my body again, and on top of it, I am a bit anxious too. I open the shades to let the light in and chase the nightmares away. I take all my sweaty clothes off and head straight for the shower. A hot shower always made me feel good. It's almost like it doesn't only cleans my body, but my spirit too. During my shower, all I can think is how I will handle what today throws at me. I'm trying to analyse what happened last night, but my brain doesn't seem up for it. It already blocked it out or locked it deep in my subconscious. Maybe it's because my mood changed and I feel much better. Dark, disturbing thoughts are hard to access if I'm not in a bad mood. I do start to wonder just how much stuff I have pushed down, buried deep in my subconscious. Maybe there's a lot I haven't addressed, and it's starting to overflow.

I need to stop overthinking this and get ready for work. I step out of the shower, and I feel very refreshed. I head towards the kitchen to make some coffee. It's almost strange how calm I am right now. The speed with which my emotional state changes from high to low and backwards should worry me, but right now, I'm just content that I don't feel anxious anymore. While coffee is brewing, all I do is stare at the pot. I can't get a single thought going. It's time to get dressed and go to work. I take a look at myself in the mirror to check if everything fits well. I have to wear a suit and tie for my job, so that's important. I make it sound like I'm some big shot at a giant corporation, but that's not the case at all. I work at a hotel as a receptionist, and I'm ok with that. I liked the job a lot when I got it. I think I still do, but it's so hard to be sure of anything anymore. I didn't go to college right after high school, like most people. I felt like I needed a break from studying. But I had to do something, so getting a job was the logical thing to do. I tried a few different things before I got this job, and none felt right until this one.

I always thought of myself to be a people person, so working as a receptionist and interacting with many strangers came naturally to me. It felt exciting, and I was looking forward to my first day of work. A lot has changed over the many years I worked here. Or maybe only I have changed. I know that lately, I barely manage to fake a smile when I interact with people. And every time, it feels like everyone can see right through me. But I don't care anymore. For whatever reason, I decided to dislike everybody. And it's all their fault! Staring at my reflection in the mirror is messing with my head. We can't stand each other! I need to get out of this apartment. I lock the door behind me and rush down the stairs towards the exit. I step outside, and the warm, spring sunlight hits my face. I stare at the sun a bit, trying to absorb its light. A feeling of hope fills me up. Now I'm ready to go to work. It's a ten-minute walk to get to work. There's an alley right down the middle of the building complex I live in, and it spills into a major street. That street leads right to the hotel. The location of the hotel is on top of a hill next to a park. I a time when I used to enjoy this walk. It was like meditation for me. I found the whole scene quite beautiful. No matter what season it was, I always found something beautiful about it, soothing. Lately, it seems like the same beauty offends me.

Many of my neighbours are using this alley early in the morning on their way to work. I by a lot of them and keep the interaction to a minimum. I pretend to look busy. I didn't make any close friends in the neighbourhood since I moved here, but I was always friendly enough. I talked with most of them at least once, and I don't having any arguments. Despite that, I barely say hi to them. I look at them as obstacles on my way to work. Whenever I see them stop and talk to each other in the middle of the alley, I want to push them out of the way and not be gentle about it. Dark and violent thoughts take over my mind for a split second, and it terrifies me. It's not who I am. I don't have any history of violence or ill intent towards people.

-Don't worry about it! They don't like you either!

-What the...?

I say that out loud, and people turn and look at me. It appears like I'm talking to myself, so I reach into my pocket and pull out my phone. I start fumbling through it, pretending that a text or a call annoyed me. I nod my head and smile awkwardly at my neighbours. But my hands are a bit shaky, and I'm worried that I might turn into that crazy guy who walks the streets talking to himself. I'm scared that the voice in my head is trying to escape or take over. How do I fight this? Can I even fight this? I can't the last time I considered something worth fighting for, including myself. I increase my stepping, so I get off this alley faster. It feels too narrow all of a sudden, and I feel trapped. The buildings around me are old and grey, and it feels like they're crashing down on me. I need to get out into a more open space.

Once I reach the street, everything seems brighter. The trees grew fresh leaves, and some of them look like they're about to bloom. They look alive. This whole scenery makes me hopeful again. Walking through this area was always

the best part of my day. It's the main reason I stopped taking my car to work. Everything looks very vivid right now, and it's incredibly soothing. I see the hotel on top of the hill, and I'm starting to calm down. I like my co-workers, and I hope that interacting with them will get my mind off everything else. It turns out I have a handful of people left that I don't hate. Now I feel good, and I'm walking towards the hotel with a smile on my face. I see a person outside the hotel waving at me. That's Tim, stretching his legs from a long night shift. Based on his body language, it was an uneventful night. He's drinking a cup of coffee, trying to sober up. It appears it was a long, boring night.

-Good morning, Tim! How was your night?

-Morning, Michael! It was horrible! Probably one of the worst nights I had in a long time.

-Did something go bad? Were there any issues?

-Issues? Quite the opposite. Nothing happened!

-Were there no customers? Not even some of the regulars?

Our hotel is known for its privacy and discretion, plus a twenty-four-hour opened bar and restaurant. Very soon, it became a hot spot for the town's most influential people and their mistresses. These are our regular customers. At this point, Tim is furious.

-No, man. Not a single customer!

-Unbelievable! Wait! What about the doctor? Without a doubt, the doctor was here!

-Michael, listen to me! No one! Not a single fucking person!

-Wow! If the doctor wasn't here, then things are going downhill.

-Maybe there aren't any more nurses left for him to bang!

Tim and I look at each other and start laughing hysterically. We're both sure that everything will be fine. Out of all the customers, the doctor is my least favourite. He is the best surgeon in town, he has a beautiful family, and I've always assumed that that would be enough to keep him happy. I might have even understood if he had only one mistress, but the way he's rotating them makes him look creepy and disgusting! Especially since most of the girls he brings are young nurses working in the same hospital as him. You'd think that would get him in trouble or that he'd have a moral issue with it! I guess when you reach a high enough status, you're untouchable.

-Or maybe he's a real man, and you're a weak, pathetic loser!

-What the fuck did you say?

I lose my temper for a second and raise my voice at Tim, and he looks at me confused, not sure if I'm serious or if it's a bad joke. It wasn't his voice I just heard. I seem to have lost the distinction between reality and imagination. I try to force more laughter to show him that I'm playing around, but I don't think it's working.

-Are you ok, Michael?

-What? Yeah, of course, I'm ok. I just didn't quite hear what you said, so I wasn't sure why we're laughing.

Tim isn't buying this at all. We got to know each other very well over the years we've been working together. He can see that something is odd in my behaviour. I always thought that I could talk to him about everything, and I want to tell him what happened last night. But I'm too scared to do that. If I talk about it, then it becomes real.

-Whatever, man. I don't have time for this. Let's go inside so I can turn over the to you. I want to go home and get some rest.

Tim walks through the hotel door and goes inside. As soon as the door closes behind him, I let out a sigh of relief. I got away with it, but for some reason, that doesn't make me feel good. I hope that this isn't serious and that it will very soon. If no one knows that something is wrong, then it means that everything is ok. Or at least that's how I lie to myself again. I've always liked how straightforward and honest Tim is, but fear makes me keep my mouth shut. I can't stay behind for too long, or Tim will get suspicious if he isn't already. I walk through the door and head straight for the front desk. Tim's already there waiting for me.

-I left you a list of people that must clear their room today. Go over the again before informing them to be sure I haven't made a mistake.

-I'm sure you haven't, Tim, but of course, I'll double-check to be on the safe side.

-Yeah, do that.

Tim stares at me for a bit. I have a feeling he's still analysing the weird interaction we just had. I feel bad for not letting him know what goes through my head right now, but I need to better understand myself before opening up to him. I do think of him as a friend and lying to him feels very wrong.

-Are you sure you're ok, Michael? You don't seem like yourself today.

-Yes, Tim. I am fine.

-Did you get enough sleep last night?

-I think I got too much sleep, and my brain needs a bit more time to fire up because of that. I feel like I'm in a bit of a haze.

-It makes sense. If your sleeping patterns changed, that could've messed

you up a bit. But you have to get it together fast. The day shift is usually hectic, and I need you to perform at your best.

-Don't worry about me, Tim. Once I start my shift and get my flow going, I'll be back to my regular self!

I feel relieved that Tim is satisfied with this reply. He hands the over to me and starts gathering his stuff. It seems a bit outdated that we still use a big paper to keep track of our clients, but there's a good reason behind it. It's just for show! We have a computer and an online database, but I don't have access to that. Tim updates it regularly and only with information that can be seen by the public. It's a dodgy aspect of the business, but I knew it from day one. I had no complaints about it, and I prefer using pen and paper.

I could just shut up and patiently wait for Tim to leave, but I don't want the silence between us to get awkward. Or maybe I'm scared that something else might start talking.

-By the way, Tim, have you considered applying for the manager position?

-I like my job, Michael. I can handle my responsibilities just fine, and the stress load is not too high. On top of that, it pays well. I'm happy with how much free time I have and the paid vacations. I don't want to change any aspect of it. I'm right where I need to be.

-I hear you, Tim, but I think you'd be great at it. You know all the oldest customers, and you have a great rapport with them. Why not go for it?

-It's not my cup of tea. I like working close to people, not above them. I enjoy how I interact with everybody working here, from the kitchen staff to the cleaning personnel, from the guys at the restaurant to you, Michael.

-I know you and your wife we're talking about having a child soon. Wouldn't a step up at the workplace be beneficial to that goal?

-No! My wife and I are happy together. Adding more stress to our relationship would be a mistake. We have everything the way we like it. You seem interested in the managerial position. Why don't you try to get it, Michael?

-I don't think I have the brainpower to do that job, nor do I have the ambition to go for it.

-You shouldn't dismiss yourself like that, Michael. You have the same skill set I have. That should make you qualified for the job as well.

-Maybe I was a bit harsh on myself. That position requires more meanness than I possess. Perhaps that's not the right word either. I just don't think I could ever fire someone, no matter how many mistakes they make. Besides, I'm ok with where I am right now. I don't have ambitions to get that job. I just don't want Junior to get it. You understand my worries, right, Tim?

-Oh, so this was your concern! Listen, Michael, you shouldn't let it bother you at all. Mister Johnson loves this hotel. It's been in his family for generations. If he decides to leave it to his son to manage it, then so be it. We will adapt to it

and keep going. As far as I'm concerned, nothing changes. Also, I'm sure Mister Johnson will keep a very close eye on Junior!

-I hope you're right, Tim! We both know Junior isn't competent enough to run this place. He's made many bad decisions over the years, and most of them are pretty well known. His dad had to bail him out of trouble more than a few times.

-If Mister Johnson decides to put his son in charge, then it's a done deal. He's not choosing any of us over his son. Also, I heard that this might be Junior's last chance to redeem himself. I'm looking forward to the changes that are coming. They might bring some excitement!

-So typical of you, Tim, making the best of every situation. I swear your optimism is sometimes getting on my fucking nerves!

-Well, at least it's good to know that, after all these years, your pessimism hasn't rubbed off on me! Well, this turned out to be fun after all. Let's continue in the evening. I need to get home to shower and rest up.

-Ok, Tim. Have a great day and see you in the evening!

We're both in a good mood and shared a few laughs in the end. We shake hands. Tim heads for the doors, but he turns to say one more thing before going through them.

-Don't let pointless thoughts weigh on your mind, Michael. We're going to be ok. Trust me on that! Just stick to what's in front of you.

-That sounds great, Tim.

-See you later, Michael!

-Bye, Tim!

Tim finally takes his leave, and I'm still staring at the doors, and something doesn't sit right with me. Why wouldn't he take the manager position? Everyone here thinks that he's in charge anyway, so at least let's make it official. Ah, fuck it! It's not important right now. I must come up with a plan to keep myself busy all day. Right now, work should be the best distraction from my subconscious. The thought of going home tonight, and being alone in my bedroom in complete darkness, sends shivers down my spine. Just the word home itself should give me a sense of security, but that doesn't seem to be the case anymore. Everything around me is changing, and I have a bad feeling about it. I must push these thoughts down and focus on my work, but first, I'll seek more human interactions.

I'm heading towards the elevators. I want, or better said, I need to say hi to the staff. I always go to the kitchen first, located on the first floor. One of the lifts is for personnel only, and it only works with a key card. It didn't make sense to put the kitchen on the first floor, but it's better for the room service. And it was a good idea to separate the kitchen from the bar. I don't know why this thought popped into my head right now, but I wish I could have dull thoughts like this all day. I get inside the elevator and press the button for the first floor. As the doors close behind me, I start to get a bit anxious. If I didn't know any better, I'd say I'm claustrophobic, but I know that's not the case. It's the same

eerie feeling I had last night. I quickly turn and look behind me just to see nothing. Of course, there's nothing there. It never was. It's all in my head again!

The elevator doors open up, and I rush to get out. I'm so distracted that I almost bump into someone on my way out. In charge of the kitchen and the kitchen staff is a woman named Simone. She's older than both Tim and me, roughly the same age as our parents. She's loud and curious and can sometimes seem a bit intrusive. In reality, she's one of the sweetest, most caring people I've ever met. Everybody here calls her Mama. Initially, I didn't get why, but after noticing how she looked after everybody, I understood. That's the person I almost hit on my way out of the elevator.

-Watch where you're going, Michael!

-Sorry, Mama! I didn't see you there.

-Why are you in such a hurry, anyway?

-I don't want to leave the front door unsupervised for too long. I just wanted to come up here a say a quick hello.

-You don't look so good! Have you been sick?

She reaches towards me and grabs my face. She's opening my eyelids and checking my eyes. Then she puts her palm on my forehead to see if I have a fever. She's doing all those things that moms do, and that can be labelled as both

sweet and annoying.

-Hmm. Everything seems fine. But I swear something's off about you today, Michael.

Of course, something's wrong with me. I'm slowly going insane. I'm miserable, and I'm angry, and I hate everyone and everything. And there's someone in my head, screaming at me. And I don't know what it wants. All I know is that it's getting louder. And sometimes, it feels like it's going to escape from my head and hurt me. I already feel like it's chasing me everywhere, and it's so close to grabbing me. I'm scared, Mama. The truth is I'm very fucking scared. I want to say these things to her so bad. But I don't, I can't. My heart is beating fast, and my hands start to shake a little bit. I put my hands in my pockets, hiding them from her, and give her a fake smile.

-I am hungry, Mama. I left home without eating any breakfast, and I might not function properly because of that. Do you think I could find something to eat in this kitchen of yours?

-Of course, darling. Come over here!

She takes me by the arm and walks me over to a table nearby. She pushes me down onto a chair and heads over to the cooking area. I can hear her putting something on a plate. My mouth starts to water a little bit. I am indeed hungry. I just wasn't aware until now. All the restless nights messed up my appetite. Today I feel fragile and feeble. This body might be in danger of burning out. I'm hoping that some breakfast will give me an energy boost and, maybe, even improve my mood. Mama is back with a big plate filled with food and places it right in front of me.

-Here you go, Michael!

She pulls up a chair and sits next to me. She watches me chow down with a very pleased expression on her face. Knowing her, though, I have a feeling that a conversation or, better said, an interrogation could start at any moment. I don't even fully finish my thought, and there she goes.

-Are you still dating that pretty blonde girl, Michael? What was her name? Ah, yes! Mary! How are things between you two?

-Things are over between us, Mama. We went our separate ways.

-Why? What happened?

-We just started drifting apart. Different goals, different expectations, in the end, it felt like we were from two separate worlds even.

-You looked to me very much in love.

-I was. We were. Maybe that runs out too.

I take a lot more time chewing than I should before answering her questions just to have more time to think. I haven't addressed this issue before, but I know all

my answers so far are wrong. Some of them are straight-up lies. I've lied to Mama twice so far. Since I feel bad about it, that means I'm not a complete piece of shit. The conversation dies out awkwardly. We both feel a bit uncomfortable right now. In all of our times interacting, we never had a moment like this. I guess this is a touchy subject, after all. Luckily, I finished eating, and I'm going to take my leave.

-Thanks for breakfast, Mama! It was delicious and very much needed!

-You're welcome, baby. If you need anything, Mama's here for you. You know that, right, Michael?

-Of course, I know that. Thank you. I must go downstairs. I don't want to leave the front desk unattended for too long.

-Come back up anytime you want or need to.

I stand up, give Mama a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and take my leave. I nod my head in approval as I approach the elevator. I get inside and press the button to go down. As the doors are closing, I raise my head and smile at Mama. Even though things got a bit uncomfortable, she cares. And that does mean a lot to me. I regret not being honest and open about everything with her. Maybe she'd been able to understand or at least make some sense of what's going on. Cause I sure don't. The speed with which my mood changes is shocking. I also don't seem to have any range of emotions anymore. It's from one extreme to another. I'm back at my desk, and I'm trying to find something to do. I take one glance at the clock in the hotel lobby, and I become aware that it's still very early. Unless things get busy pretty soon, I got nothing to do until noon. I lean back in my chair and think about what Mama and I discussed earlier.

I miss Mary. We loved each other a lot, and we were indeed great together. My time with her is the happiest time of my life. We were even talking about living together. I got scared, and I panicked. Deep down, I was getting anxious and insecure. It was almost as if I felt I didn't deserve such happiness. I could feel something changing inside me. I started getting a lot of dark thoughts. There was darkness growing inside me, and I didn't want Mary to get consumed by it. I never wanted her to get hurt, so I figured that breaking up with her would be the lesser evil. It does seem like I was foreseeing my meltdown. Maybe that's why I pushed her away. She doesn't deserve to see me like this! She can never know how weak I truly am! Who would've thought that the one thing I couldn't handle would be being happy? I hurt someone I cared about, and I'm the one complaining. Maybe I complained about so many things throughout my life that it has become like an addiction. The moment she entered my life, everything felt perfect, to the point where it made me feel uncomfortable.

-I told you, it's all your fault! Do you think everybody else is flawed but you? Yeah, right, dumbass. Cause that's how life works!

-Shut up, you useless voice in my head. I'm not in the mood, nor do I have the strength to argue with you right now.

Things get quiet, and the voice in my head seems surprisingly docile. It's strange how earlier today, I was scared I'm going crazy, and now I have no problem talking to a fragment of my imagination. I get distracted by the sound of an elevator door opening. I see a man walking out of the elevator and heading straight for the front desk. He doesn't look familiar at all, but I'm sure he's one of the customers that must vacate their rooms today.

-Good morning, sir.

-Good morning. I'm here to turn in my key and to notify you that I will be taking my leave.

-Of course, sir. Can I please see some form of ID? I just need to doublecheck with the . It will only take a second.

-Sure. Here you go.

-I trust that you enjoyed your stay here?

I'm attempting to make small talk while I check that everything is in order. Even though I'm politely nodding and smiling, I'm not paying attention at all. I just don't care either way. I will have to find a way to jump back into the conversation without seeming like I wasn't present. I will just have to wait for a pause, but he seems to be going off on a rant right now. I can't even tell if he was pleased or not with the conditions he found here. At this point, I just missed too much of the conversation. Nevertheless, he's gone silent now, and that will be my opening. I hand him back his ID and smile politely.

-Then I hope that the next time you're in town, you'll be using our services again.

-I never know where my travels take me, but I will keep that in mind. Farewell!

-Goodbye, sir.

I sit back down on my chair and look up at the ceiling, or maybe, in my mind, I'm looking at the sky. I feel good. Surprisingly, I feel refreshed and energised. This short, polite conversation worked wonders for my mood and boosted my morale. Despite zoning out halfway through it, it still managed to trigger something within me. Even my smile felt genuine this time. It brought back memories of how much I enjoyed doing this job. Maybe, deep down, I still want this job very much. I just let dark thoughts get in the way. All I should do is focus on this aspect. Up until recently, I can't having a bad day at work. Ever. I'm not saying that things always worked smoothly and that there weren't some hiccups along the way, but they never used to throw me off my game. I dealt with every situation accordingly, and things got back on track swiftly.

I step outside the hotel and into the sunlight. I feel full of hope right now. Tim's words echo in my head. Everything will be all right! At this moment, I genuinely feel like this. I turn and look at the hotel in iration. I have always found this building superb and majestic. I also think that it fits perfectly with its background, especially during the seasons when the trees have their leaves. The hotel has a shade of red that goes magnificent with the green of the trees. I forgot just how much this view used to relax me or maybe, I just took it for granted. As I finish this thought, I notice a couple stepping out of the elevator and heading for the front desk. I rush back inside, so I don't keep them waiting!

-Good morning!

I say that as I'm approaching them to make my presence known, both of them reply almost simultaneously.

-Good morning.

-Please tell me, how may I be of service?

-We are vacating our room. We're here to complete all the formalities.

-I can help with that.

We are all politely smiling at each other, making this interaction very pleasant and, at the same time, moving along at a steady pace. Even though this process is repetitive and can seem very tedious, I've always found it enjoyable. Maybe it's easier for me to operate within predefined parameters. I learned very fast, or better said, Tim taught me early how to verbally interact with customers. It was nothing more than a few standard questions and conversation openers designed to keep things moving along. Since I wasn't that good at striking up a conversation, I felt this helped a lot and alleviated a lot of the pressure. I even hoped that this would help me in my casual interactions, and for a while, it did. Or at least, it seemed to me like it helped. But I was wrong about that too. Come to think about it, probably made me even more awkward socially. It's almost like I learned to express myself only in predefined sentences. Every time the conversation got side-tracked, I started to panic, and my brain used to freeze up for a little bit. That was the weirdest part of all. I always had deep thoughts spinning around in my head, and I did use to talk to myself in a positive, constructive way. At least, that's what I believed. I never even considered that this might turn out to be harmful, or maybe I have nothing to be optimistic about anymore. I don't recall the last time I had a ionate conversation about something.

-You , of course, you , you hypocrite!

-I told you to shut up!

-Not this time. It was when you met Mary. I know you the first time you met Mary because I . And I have access to the same memories as you. Call her and tell her everything! It might not be too late for you!

-Do you think that one person can just magically fix everything? Especially after I just hurt her? She doesn't deserve this! No one wants to go through a breakdown on their own, but I won't drag Mary in our filth!

-She will listen to you! Maybe she still cares enough to help you through this and get back together with you despite what happened.

-Maybe. But the truth is that you don't know. You're just guessing, desperately hoping that someone else will save us. If you knew better than me, we wouldn't be in this situation. And yes, it is we. Instead of pointing your finger at me, you should have taken control and made those better choices! Stop acting like you're so fucking smart! You're just as weak and pathetic as me!

-I may be part of you, but I am not you. I couldn't even speak until a few days ago. I was nothing more than an afterthought in the back of your mind. I got louder and louder only because you're cracking up and falling apart. You're embarking on a self-destruction path, and I'm here in a desperate attempt to try and get you off it. You could think of me as your survival instinct.

-You're all talk. You're just scared to go down with the ship. Since you it to being a part of me, you should have seen the signs way earlier. They were all there. You show up on your high horse after the battle is lost and start preaching and giving useless advice. Too little, too late, buddy!

-I am not weak or scared. I can't be any of that. I don't exist, and yet I'm the realist thing in your life right now. I'm only a manifestation of your frustrations. I am loud because I'm an echo of your inner screams. I showed up now because the build-up inside has gotten too much, and indeed you, we, reached a breaking point. But it doesn't mean it's too late. I have an idea that may seem a bit extreme initially but might just be what you need. It might even make you whole again.

-Yeah? And what's that?

The conversation comes to an abrupt end. I hear the elevator door opening and footsteps coming from it. I jump out of my seat, trying to look more alert. What horrible timing this next customer has. If he would have shown up just a few minutes later, maybe I would have made some incredible discoveries. Wait! Do I believe that a weird voice in my head has the answer to all my problems? Can I trust whatever this is, a ghost, a fragment of my imagination, my other self? But if we both live inside my head, and he knows what I'm thinking, how come I don't know what he's thinking? Did I compartmentalised all my life experiences very wrong in my mind, and now I cannot consciously access them? I wonder if he's the reason why weird memories have started popping into my head lately? It seems like he's been doing a lot of digging around up there, and I cannot understand what's the goal. I must stop considering him a real person. I mean, after all, he even said he's not real. But now I am a bit curious about what he has to say. I don't even know what makes him appear. I hope he'll show up again after this last customer is gone.

It's strange how I could attend to this customer and have an entirely different focus in my head at the same time. I'm operating fully on autopilot. I

am amazed at just how well this interaction went. I just said farewell to him, and he went on his merry way. He was delighted with the whole experience, from beginning to end, I might add. He couldn't even tell that I wasn't paying attention to him at all. Is this a good thing? I thought I liked interacting with people, but now it seems that the more I talked to them, the more I started to disengage. I don't believe that this is the appropriate reaction. This job should have helped me better connect with other human beings. Instead, I've turned into a robot who keeps playing the same tape over and over. Where's that voice? Now I'm the one interested in bouncing some ideas off it.

-Hey, asshole, wake up! We need to talk.

Nothing. It's all quiet in my head. That's just great! The one time I might be interested in listening to him, he decides to take some time off. So, not only have I disassociated myself from most of the world surrounding me, but now, even the voice in my head stopped talking to me! My mood altered significantly, and not for the best. I have a feeling this is going to be a bad day after all.

The hotel doors open, and a large group of people enter the lobby. They all seem to be around my age, and among them, there are some familiar faces. I believe all of them are from this town, which must be why it feels like I've seen them before. On the other hand, I think I went to the same high school as some of them. One approaches the front desk acting as the leader of the group. I already despise him! Luckily for me, I can pretend to be the friendliest guy on earth. So, I put on a big fake smile and start welcoming my new guests.

-Hello, ladies and gentlemen. How may I assist you?

-Hey there. We are interested in renting a few of your rooms for the weekend, more specifically, from now through Sunday. Can you do that for us?

His tone is a bit condescending, which is nothing I haven't dealt with before. At least it's good to know that my instinct was correct, and I was right to dislike him from the beginning. Being over-polite is always the best choice in situations like this. I witnessed, first-hand, several clients that got quite irritated at this type of behaviour. The best part was that there's nothing they could've done since I was using all the right pleasantries. I learned this trick from Tim, and it's the best way for us to amuse ourselves and do the job simultaneously.

-Of course, I can do that, my good sir. After all, you find yourself in one of the best hotels in the world!

-Oh yeah, I'm very impressed! Who would've thought that one could find such beautiful architecture in this shithole of a town!

He snapped pretty fast. He doesn't seem to appreciate sarcasm at all. He appears to be very important in his circle, in a position of power, so he enjoys talking down at people. I was never impressed by this type of human being, and I don't let his remark faze me at all. I just continue the conversation completely unshaken.

-Please, sir, there's no need for that type of language. Besides, after you spend a few days in this town, I'm sure you'll change your mind about it. Now, let's get back to the matter at hand. How many rooms would you like to rent?

-Seven rooms. From now up until Sunday. All on the same floor, all close to each other. Did you get that?

He's keeping his sentences short and snappy. The arrogance in his voice has turned up a bit too. He's trying to end this conversation as soon as possible. I wasn't planning to prolong this conversation more than I had to, but now I'm getting entertained. I must be careful, though, not to push the line too far. Let's stay on topic for now and see what happens.

-I can accommodate all of your requirements, but first, I must inform you about something.

-Yeah, and what's that?

-Our hotel's policy demands clients to vacate their rooms at noon. So, if you need to stay later on Sunday, I would recommend renting your rooms up until Monday.

-We'll be good to go Sunday at noon.

-Alright, then. I have rooms the way you desire on the tenth floor, on the sixth and third floors. What is your choice?

-What do you think?

-I would recommend the tenth floor for the view, but the third floor is your best option if you regularly venture outside the hotel.

-There you go. Finally, you provided some helpful information. We'll take the rooms on the third floor.

-Great choice, sir. I can see why you're the brain of the group.

He pretends he didn't hear that last remark. At this point, I'm under the impression that he just wants to get away from me. I'm pretty sure that he dislikes me and everything about this interaction. I can't help but wonder if we've crossed paths before. He wasn't part of the people who looked familiar initially, but his attitude is one of a man with a grudge.

-Speed this up, will you! We haven't got all day! We're tired. We just want to unpack and settle in.

-Right away, sir. I will have to check everyone's ID and write it down in our registry. And, of course, there's the issue of payment. We accept cash or card, whichever you prefer.

-Do you have to check everyone's ID? Can't you just take mine and be done with it?

-Our policy dictates that we every room to whoever occupies it. And every person must have a valid form of identification, an ID card, a port or a driver's licence. The law requires us to do so, and we must oblige.

He turns and walks over to the group to explain the situation, I assume. He

seems to be in quite a mood right now. I firmly believe that he's used to people bending over backwards to please him. He's probably angry at me for not doing that, but I don't care. Even if there wasn't any animosity between us, I still couldn't do things differently. Tim and I do make some exceptions but only for our regular customers. Usually, when they bring their mistresses or some other side pieces, they don't want their names in the record books. It's part of our shut the fuck up policy. We make some side cash, and they're having their fun. Everybody wins. The guy is walking back towards me with an irritated look on his face. He throws two ID cards on the desk in a very disrespectful manner.

-Here you go! We'll take the room closest to the elevators!

I take a look at his and his wife's IDs, and I'm starting to realise why he's acting the way he is. I do know him! I didn't recognise him at first because he changed quite a bit since high school. His personality seems to have remained the same, though. Since I can , he was a massive douchebag, and we didn't get along. He was the richest kid in high school. His parents were extremely wealthy and very well connected in town. He used to act very condescendingly because of that. We got into a heated argument at a party once, and I knocked him off his high horse. We didn't get physical, but he got embarrassed badly and left soon after. We didn't speak to each other throughout the rest of high school until now. Maybe it would be best to pretend that I don't recognise him, which was true until I read his name on the ID.

-Sure thing, Mr Jones. And how would you like to pay?

-Card!

He hands me his credit card, I reach over and grab it, but he doesn't let it go. He looks me dead in the eyes, turning this into a bit of a staring competition. I am

curious where he plans to take this. Luckily, he doesn't keep me wondering too much.

-Don't you recognise the name?

-I'm sorry, sir, but I've read and heard so many names since I work here that none of them stands out anymore.

-Right. What about high school? Do you that?

-I do . Wait! There was a Jones in the same year as me. Our classrooms were on the same floor. Is that's you? Sorry man, I didn't recognise you. I've seen so many new faces over the years working this job that they blurred out the older, more familiar faces. I'm sure you understand what I mean, right?

I lean over the desk and put my hand out, trying to go for a handshake. My gesture goes unanswered. I can see a grin of superiority on Jones' face. He was looking for an opening to humiliate me, and I fell for it. He didn't care for my recognition. He just wanted to show how much better than me he is.

-Whatever. Now you know. And keep addressing me with sir, as you should. Got it?

-I understand, sir. Here are your IDs, your credit card and the keys to your room. The elevators are that way, and unless you require my assistance with

anything else, that will be all, sir.

-There is one more thing.

At this point, this guy is getting on my nerves. He's asserting himself in a position of power, disregarding me completely. I was a bit of a hothead back in high school, a bit more ionate about what I believed. I believed that everybody is equal, no matter their background, and I tried to treat everybody the same as best as I was capable. Life showed me that I was wrong and that some people receive an elevated social status since birth. Regardless of how much I achieve in this life, I will never be considered equal by those types of people. Since I realised this, I built up a lot of anger and frustration inside myself. For the most part, I manage to control it, but interactions like this make me want to snap. I know I must tread carefully and that the consequences could be severe, but I won't let this douchebag walk all over me.

-And what might that be, sir?

-Grab our luggage and get it in our room!

-I regret to inform you, sir, but I cannot do that.

-And why not?

-I am not allowed to leave the front desk unsupervised for a long time.

-I'm not buying this excuse. I think you're trying to be disrespectful.

-Not at all, sir. I'm very polite. And the answer I just gave is usually enough to appease most customers.

-I'm not most customers! I must hear a better reason.

-The reality is, sir, that sometimes people confuse this hotel for a moving company. We were all trained, from the beginning, to discourage that type of behaviour.

-Oh? And how's that working out for you?

-It's working out great. And for the most part, people who use hotels regularly tend to understand the meaning of essential packing.

-So, you're telling me there's no exception to that rule?

-I might make an exception for a damsel in distress. This isn't the case, sir. You look in good physical shape and more than capable of handling everything yourself.

-Of course, I am.

-Besides, a small demonstration of physical strength will always impress Mrs Jones.

He seems somewhat satisfied with the last replies, or at least they were enough to shut him up. But he doesn't seem willing to go away. I'm sick of talking with him by now, but I cannot just chase him off. I am a bit worried that the conversation could turn sideways again. Maybe it would be best if I stirred the conversation towards a more friendly place. I had enough fun for today, and I fear that there might be repercussions if I keep disagreeing with this guy. You never know how an entitled vengeful well-connected person reacts to a minor inconvenience. The situation is slightly improved, but I must control how this conversation continues since he's not leaving.

-Excuse me, Mr Jones, may I ask you a question?

-Go ahead!

He seems to be more than willing to chat. I forgot that it's easy to interact with arrogant people. All I have to do is focus the conversation on him slightly, and he'll take it from there. He's going to find a way to make everything about him and how awesome he is.

-What brings you back to our town? I see that you have a large group travelling together so I assume it must be a special occasion. I just hope that it's a happy occasion.

-We were all talking for a while about getting together after college and see how everyone is doing. Who followed their dreams and who managed to achieve

them.

-So this is like a high school reunion?

-Exactly. We're going to celebrate our achievements. Well, at least those of us who have something to celebrate.

-If you don't mind me saying, sir, this doesn't sound very friendly. I was thinking of something a bit more festive.

-And that's why you are where you are in life. I never cared for things like friendship or any other type of that nonsense.

-I find that to be a bit sad. No disrespect, sir, but doesn't it get lonely?

-Have you heard the saying, "it's lonely at the top"? It's not one hundred per cent true, but there's no room for friendships. Besides, most of the people at the reunion either work for me or have worked for me. How can I consider them friends when I don't think of them as my equals?

I am stunned by what he's telling me. If I were to hear it from someone else, I wouldn't have believed it. Knowing what I know about this guy, there's no doubt in my mind that he means every word. Nevertheless, his blunt way of expressing himself shocked me. He doesn't care if anyone hears him or if he hurts anyone's feelings. At least he doesn't have an identity crisis. I hated him before but now, I'm almost envious of him. And it's not about his social status

but rather about his ability to feel nothing on the inside. I thought I was dead on the inside, but I was wrong. I wish I could have this type of emotional stability.

-Don't say that, you idiot!

-Go away, you dumb voice! You did nothing but get in the way. I will find a way to shut you off, to shut all of these pointless emotions off.

-You're supposed to feel what you feel! It's ok to miss people and to crave human touch and connection.

-Then how come I feel so alone lately? How come no one is looking to connect with me?

-That's not true! You've made yourself less and less available as time went on.

-You're lying! I spent as much time as possible with my friends, and I helped out whenever I could.

-Only because they stayed in touch. Your friends were the ones doing most of the calling, and you felt good about it! You felt desired! They were missing you. They were looking to connect with you, and what did you do in reply? You started coming up with excuses, most of them work-related, cause they're easier to sell.

-Maybe sometimes I was too tired to go out and meet with my friends. That was it. And I'm sure they all understood. How come it's you that doesn't get that?

-What I say is based on your memories, including those you have conveniently blocked out. You don't call anyone anymore, but you want everyone else to make you the centre of attention. You've turned into quite the hypocrite!

-What exactly do you mean by that?

-You are not willing to give back what you demand from others. You offer no comfort and show no solidarity to anyone but expect people to give you a shoulder to cry every time things don't go your way. What you need to do is man up and accept responsibility for your situation!

-I'm a nice person, friendly and polite. I've helped when needed.

-You're not the one who's supposed to say that about yourself! And even if that was true at some point, all you are now is a good liar. Your interactions are fake and shallow, and this is how you started treating everyone, including people that were close to you once.

-Everybody lies to get ahead and make life a bit easier. You could say that we're all hypocrites, myself included. Is that what you want to hear?

-It's not just lying. You started lying to yourself. Answer me this, did your

life got easier? Or did the lies just piled on and started weighing you down?

-You know what, just fuck off! Every time you show up, all you do is create more doubt. You haven't helped once so far. I managed to pull myself together somehow today, and I was functioning just fine. I have to compromise a bit to keep things moving, but that' how life works.

-Compromise and hypocrisy seem to be the words of the day. What happened to the boy who believed in truth and honesty? Who had morals and ideals of a just world?

-That boy is long gone. Those were nothing but the thoughts and dreams of a dumb child who had to wake up and survive in a messed-up world, a world that chewed him up. He was never going to make it!

-Stop blaming the world! You didn't grow up in a messed-up world or environment. You were constantly attracted and fascinated by messed up people.

-Maybe I was only trying to help. Isn't helping others noble and something that you should find irable?

-What you did shouldn't be labelled as help. All the people you surrounded yourself with had bad habits, and deep inside, you found that very attractive. You picked up all the bad habits as a desperate way to seek approval. And once you got that approval, you slowly started drifting away from your family and friends.

-I kicked out all the bad habits. I didn't stay addicted to any substances for a long time. I cleaned up my act pretty soon after high school.

-I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the mental aspect of those addictions. You started lying and deceiving, casually and with no remorse or regret. You stopped showing emotions and empathy towards those closest to you, only to impress nobody in the end. That's when you became a hypocrite. Today, you just became aware of it.

-You're too harsh. That was so many years ago. You're bringing stuff up from back when I was a child. I was learning how to navigate this world. I couldn't rely on the ideals and hopes of a child. That would've been foolish of me. I had to grow up.

-You should've left that child to grow. His thinking was correct. He just didn't have the maturity to apply it in the real world. He would have grown to be an honest man. You let fear take over, and you ruined him. Look what you turned him into, a frightened adult, weak and pathetic.

My head goes quiet again. The voice disappears, leaving my brain numb and a strange ringing in my ears. I seem to be zoning out for longer each time this happens. I still don't think it's noticeable, but I must be a bit more careful. Before, I was talking to myself in a way that probably, everybody does. I felt in control, guiding the conversation, easy to follow through and still be aware of my surroundings. Now everything moved so fast I barely know what's going on. I have a headache, as if someone punched me right in the brain. Everything around me feels fuzzy, and I'm just stunned. It will take me a few seconds to snap out of it and be able to function again. I still haven't finished dealing with this large group of people, and they're all still waiting in the lobby. Never mind the rest of the group, Mr Jones is still standing in front of my desk. The conversation we had is fresh in my mind, and I could just jump back into it. I wonder if he noticed something changing in my behaviour in the last couple of

seconds.

He stares me down with a victorious grin on his face. He noticed me going quiet, and he attributes that to his last remarks. He thinks that he broke me and rendered me speechless, and there's no way for me to dispute that. Luckily his arrogance will work in my favour this time. I'll be able to hide my meltdown for a bit longer. I probably have the look of a defeated man, and I am, but not because of him. He and his attitude might be catalysts, but he's not the one that broke me. Having to let him think that kills me inside. He finally seems ready to take his leave, but he decides to do one more gesture before. He pulls out some cash and throws it on the desk with utter contempt.

-Here you go! Take your lady out tonight! My treat!

He turns and walks away, laughing sarcastically. He didn't wait for me to answer, nor did he care for an answer. All he wanted to do is display his arrogance one more time and completely humiliate me in the process. He demonstrated his position of power and showed everybody who is the alpha. We all stopped quietly and watched him get into the elevator. No one dared make a sound until the doors closed and the elevator started going up. The voice in my head is right, again. The young boy I once was would've stood up for himself better than I did. He would've grabbed the money and threw them back in his face, maybe even tell him to go to hell. Instead, I'm standing here with a dumb smile on my face, pretending that he didn't just drag me through the mud like the worthless human that I am. I could have used some of those childish ideals and some of that young bravery right about now. I feel broken inside. I want to run away and don't look back. But I won't do that! I still have a job to do, and I will do it no matter how miserable I feel inside. I have grown-up responsibilities to attend. The voice in my head is reluctant to understand this aspect of my life. I must fulfil my duties at work without any disturbance. Nothing gets in the way of the job, including my feelings.

I still have a lobby full of people waiting for me to accommodate them. Two by two, they start approaching the desk so we can proceed with the formalities. I find it way easier to talk with them than before. They also seem to be a lot more relaxed now that the big dog has left. A dozen adults being bullied like this by a single person is a sad realisation. I guess since many of them work for him, they have no choice but to play ball. I understand being willing to take some shit for a job that you enjoy doing, or that benefits you financially, but why the fuck would you spend time with your bully outside work? Why travel to another town, rent rooms in the same hotel just to have a terrible experience. This reunion cannot be that important to all of them unless they all want to see who's doing the worst. There are people out there who enjoy the misfortune of others. It's almost like they savour another person's misery just to feel better about their own lives. I never thought about this before, and I find it sadistic, but nothing surprises me anymore.

Talking with them appeared easier at first, but I don't believe that anymore. While Mr Jones wanted recognition, at least he acknowledged that we know each other from high school. He probably ed all the times we interacted, even though he didn't mention them for obvious reasons. Indeed, he was a massive douchebag the whole time and considered me a lesser human, but this might be the worst. I'm down to the last couple, and so far, nobody has said a word knowing each other. Some of them were even in the same classroom as me. They're all making the same fucking cliched small talk, with a big fake smile on their faces. No one is genuine. They all disregarded me completely. At times I felt like they thought of me as nothing more than a mere servant. Not even an employee of the hotel, just someone who owes them servitude.

I hope the hotel catches on fire, and they all get trapped in their rooms and burn like rats. I should finish setting them up soon anyway. I return their IDs and all other belongings. All that remains is to present them with the keys to the room, and they can go away and leave me be. They grab everything, turn and just walk off. No goodbye, no thank you, no nothing. They tiptoe around Mr Jones, not daring to make a sound that might inconvenience him but have no issue snubbing everyone who they deem inferior. What a bunch of pricks. Fuck

this whole crew!

The lobby gets quiet again, and I can finally lay back and try to calm down. The good news is that all this activity took up a big chunk of my workday. It's past two o'clock now, and usually, this is when the most inactive period of the day starts. I guess interacting with a bunch of narcissistic assholes has an upside. I'm going to use this time to reflect a bit on the events that happened today. Spending some time alone with my thoughts seemed terrifying before, but now, it might do some good. After dealing with such complicated people, it's no wonder that I'm feeling hatred towards the human race. They seek approval and recognition but wouldn't take a few seconds out of their day to acknowledge another human being. All of them are a bunch of self-centred hypocrites!

-Did you include yourself in that classification?

-Welcome back, annoying voice in my head. I could have used some tranquillity, but of course, you had to intrude and disrupt it. Well, since you are here, have you considered having my back for a change?

-That's not why I'm here. Unless you're honest, in which case I will side with the truth. But you don't know what's true lately, and I'm here to remind you.

-I'm not a hypocrite! I accept that you might disagree with the compromises I had to make in life, but you were a bit harsh. And it's not like you to show up at a time like this!

-What do you mean by that? I think this is perfect timing.

-Exactly. Usually, you showed up when I was busy, and in the company of other people, you messed me up, seeded doubt within me, and then disappeared. So, why the fuck are you here now?

-Now, who's being rude?

-I'm not. I'm just tired of your nonsense. You appear and disappear as you please, causing more harm than good!

-And every time you told me to go away. I'm surprised that I managed to get through to you as much as I did.

-Earlier, you sounded like you had a plan or at least an idea about what's going on. And then you took off before saying what it was! I tried to call upon you when I had the chance, but you were a no show.

-Call upon me? It's not how this works. You don't just say my name into a mirror, and I appear. I'm not Candyman, you fucking idiot!

-You don't have to talk like this. Whatever is happening to me doesn't come with an instruction manual!

-I'm not in control of this, either! I'm a result of your frustrations. If you're feeling conflicted inside, then I might show up.

-I'm feeling just fine right now!

-You were raging against a large group of people. Even I could feel the hate taking over you and could see the violent thoughts in your head! That is not the appropriate response to have in a situation like this. Anger will cloud your judgement even more and drag you deeper into the mud.

-Just me? Are we not a team anymore?

-I wish we were, but you didn't seem eager to cooperate before. You were only interested in contradicting me. You're hoping to be right more than you're willing to see the truth!

-Ok, man. I was attempting to make a joke. Lighten the mood. As you said, I am conflicted, and I noticed that I have extreme mood swings.

-I'm trying to help. It's the only reason I'm here, to fix the cracks in your head and put you, put us, back together again. Maybe your mood swings got so severe they caused a split in your subconscious.

-I did get all worked up over something that may not matter in the long run, but I did not let rage take over and still managed to behave myself correctly. Besides, those last customers were a bunch of dicks! You had to notice at least that!

-Some people will always look down on you. You should know this by now, and you can't let it get to you. You're bottling up too much rage inside you lately. I fear one of these days it's going to overflow, and you're going to lash out and hurt someone close to you or yourself!

-I got it under control. Nothing of that sort will happen!

-You're contradicting me again instead of understanding my concern.

-I'm telling you not to worry about anything like that. Sure, I may have had a violent thought or two involving those guys, but only because it's fun.

-Fun? You don't find it to be a bit unhealthy?

-Don't overreact about this too. Fantasying about assholes getting hurt can be fun. It might as well be a form of therapy. I'm sure many people do it, and I don't believe it's so abnormal!

-Ok. I don't think it's necessarily the best therapy method, but since you haven't considered acting upon those violent thoughts, I'll ease up on you. For now, at least, and only about that particular issue.

-I'm never the perpetrator of the violence in my thoughts. I'm more of a quiet observer who just wishes to see some harm happening to some inconsiderate people. I'd say there's a big difference between the two!

-Maybe, but I still think you might be playing with fire. Until I see an escalation in that regard, I will let you have your so-called fun.

-See? Problem solved. Maybe we can work together and overcome this phase. Now, how about you be a good little voice and go to sleep for a while. I could use some serenity to collect myself before going up to the kitchen and looking for something to eat.

-Unless something distracts your attention and scares me away, I cannot do what you ask. I still have an issue to address. It's the main reason I'm here.

-So it wasn't the violent thoughts and the waves of anger that take over me briefly that brought you back! What else could it be more important?

-What sparked those thoughts and feelings. It's the way you interact with other human beings.

-Me? I'm doing everything by the book. I'm polite, decent, and say all the right pleasantries people want to hear. I have a few minor slip-ups every once in a while, but it's too rare to draw any attention.

-As long as it's work-related, or you can make use of those cliches you master so well, then you're fine. But your conversational skills are dropping lower and lower every day. You started zoning out of conversations a long time ago and having a side conversation in your head. I can see you tripping over your own words. You're embarrassing yourself most of the time, especially as of late.

-I wouldn't say most of the time. Maybe I struggle to open up a conversation sometimes, but I can hold my own decently once it starts. Besides, there are multiple parties involved in a conversation, so the fault should land on everybody.

-You should try to take control and stir the conversation to a more enjoyable place. You can see most of the times when conflict is about to start, so guide the conversation past it, change the topic, something to avoid getting so frustrated!

-You sound like you're reading this from a self-help book. A shitty one, too. You're just throwing stuff out there hoping to look smart!

-So what? People usually try to avoid conflict. Besides, anything's better than having hate and anger brewing inside you. If they take over and you snap, it might as well be game over for both of us!

-You keep making it sound like I'm going to take a pipe and bash someone's head. I'm willing to listen, but you have to do a lot better than this. If you're not going to be helpful, take a break, and I will get something to eat.

-I'm trying to play nice, but you don't seem to get it! There was no reason for you to get angry earlier. All you had to do is talk to the people in front of you. Instead, you wanted them to notice you. You offered no recognition, and you got no attention. Sounds very fair to me.

-It's not the same. I was the one working. Whenever the lobby is full of

people, I must move fast. I'm supposed to keep the chitchat to a minimum so that the customers don't get restless and irritated. If one of them started chatting with me, it would've been a different situation.

-Right. Cause none of them would complain about their friends. At least not out loud.

-Exactly. Everybody in the group would've kept talking amongst themselves about whatever rich people talk about, with big fake smiles on their stupid faces while pretending they all like each other.

-Or maybe what annoyed you is seeing yourself in that type of behaviour, having to it that you're just as big of a hypocrite as they are!

-There you go again with that shit! That's not the case at all!

-Perhaps you wanted someone of a higher social status to talk to you, hoping it would rub off so you can pretend for a while that you're better off than you genuinely are!

-No! I don't care about social status. Why are you attacking me?

-I'm going to get the truth out of you. Here's a more plausible scenario. In your head, you thought that they would all gather around you and shake your hand, tell you how awesome you were in high school, and how meeting you here brings them joy. You would've loved to be the centre of their attention!

-Enough of this bullshit! I was never an attention whore! I never enjoyed the spotlight, nor did I ever looked for it! Although I don't care about social status, I'm aware that people aren't equal. I came from a working-class family, and I am working class as well. These are the kids of the wealthiest, most influential people in town. We're not supposed to mix. I can accept that. But dehumanising me to my face bothered me a lot! And maybe I should've done something about it, but I was too scared or weak, or both, to do anything. You know this to be true!

-I believe you. I use unorthodox methods, but they usually get everything out into the open quicker.

-Fuck you and your methods! You talk about working together, but all you do is take the enemy's side! I'm worried about losing my mind and going crazy! I don't need a saboteur in my head to amplify that worry!

-I am helping you. We learned a lot today, and I know that we made significant progress. You'll see that I'm right, and soon enough, everything will make sense.

-No, you're not right, and you're not helping at all! You're confused and insecure, just like me. We're the most pathetic duo ever! So how about you drop dead! I'm going to the kitchen and getting something to eat. I don't need a creepy imaginary voice ruining that too. I want to gather my thoughts before talking to other people. Some of my co-workers already noticed something off about me. Stay quiet until I reach out to you, or forever! I prefer the latter!

-I don't know how to do that. I'm not the one in control!

-You're not in control, I'm not in control, no one is in control of this ship anymore! We're floating adrift until we hit a big rock and blow up into fucking pieces!

-Let's work together and stop that from happening!

-Easier said than done, man. I know I'm complicated, flawed and messed up, but you aren't a peach to be around either! The more I think about it, the more I realise that we share the same defects!

-I am you, so that isn't some groundbreaking realisation. The main difference is that I dare to voice your doubts. If we analyse them together, we may figure out what sparked them in the first place.

-I dislike you so much! Which only speaks volumes about how much I started disliking myself. Since you brag about how you have access to old memories that have been locked away deep in my subconscious and other valuable information, how about you analyse that. Be sure to check back and let me know what you discover! In the meantime, can you shut up?

-You're not behaving productively. You don't like hard work, you never did, and that's why you find yourself in this situation. Out of all the jobs you've had, this is the easiest one, and it broke you. Pathetic!

-Takes one to know one! Maybe this life finally broke me, but at least I tried to make the best I could. You stayed hidden and safe up until now! You're

the hypocrite, not me! You talk all this shit without doing anything, and I'm sick of it! Just shut the fuck up, permanently!

-I cannot shut up.

-Cannot or will not?

-I'm a voice that resides in your head. If you want to quiet me, you have to make me go away!

-I want to do that, but it proves to be more difficult than I first thought. I wonder if a bullet to the back of the head would do the trick?

-That's not funny, asshole! Some of your jokes make me believe that you have indeed given up. More than a few times, I got the impression that you can't hold on anymore. You've considered the idea of letting go, and it doesn't bother you one bit. If you want to go down without a fight, that's up to you, but you never know what other people you'll drag down with you!

-You're not people! Knowing that there's a way to take you down and out makes me feel good, in a peculiar way. Luckily for you, I'm not self-destructive.

-I'm not sure that's the case anymore. But make no mistake about it, I'm not allowing you to drag me down. Believe it or not, I was playing nice before. It was you who couldn't take a few tough questions and started playing the victim!

-I got defensive because you attacked me. I was ready to listen to you and find a way to get on the same page. I can't believe that I considered you might be here to help!

-Believe whatever you want. I don't need your trust. I will slowly tear you apart, and then, I will take over. I will save myself! If you manage to hold on, then you might survive as well.

-You sound very brave and determined. Considering you lurk in the dark corners of my mind, I don't believe any of this! You're just as afraid and lost as I am! You don't want to be in control! Then you'll have to assume some responsibility for this mess!

I hear one of the elevators. Somebody's about to walk out of it any second now, and I must pull myself together. I can't afford any slip-ups with so many pretentious customers around. But the voice is gone. I can tell when he disappears, and I'm alone in my head. The slightest noise scared and chased him away. He talks a big game, but in the end, he is just like me, a weak, pathetic coward. No wonder we're not getting anywhere. There are no new ideas between us, no brilliant revelations. We can't even figure out what's going on in my head. Maybe he is right about one thing, though. I am on the verge of giving up. I don't have the will to fight anymore. I probably never had that fighting spirit inside me. I don't the last time I resisted change. I just took everything as it happened, considering it a sign of intelligence, not of weakness. I wasn't adapting fast, I was confused, misguided, and I just followed the stream as it went. I ignored moments in my past that probably changed my life drastically. I started talking to myself a long time ago and never regarded it as an issue. I convinced myself that everybody does, but of course, I took it too far. I was living in my head for long periods out of the day. It's fair to say that I preferred it like this, instead of interacting with other people. Less than twenty-four hours ago, I had my first encounter with an imaginary voice, and now I accept it like it's part of me. I forfeited the fight for that space of my mind. I'm not even sure if I want to push it out! Am I that lonely and desperate for attention?

I can see now who stepped out of the elevator. It's Mama. I watch her approach with a big smile on her face, and it fills me up with joy. She always had this weird effect on all of us. Her positive attitude, her kindness and her concern for everyone's well-being make it hard to be upset around her. I can't resist but smile back at her.

-Hey, Michael! I had some free time on my hands and decided to come to check up on you. I thought maybe you'd like some company for a little bit.

-Sure, Mama. That's very kind of you. I was about to come up to you and see maybe I could get my hands on a sandwich or something.

-Unlucky for you then. We just received a bunch of orders, so the kitchen is busy right now.

-Bad timing, I guess. I wasn't that hungry anyway. Maybe I needed some pleasant company more than food.

-Are you having a rough day, Michael? Tell Mama, how can I help?

-It's nothing serious. I just finished accommodating a lot of people, and they weren't the best batch of customers. Let's just say pandering to them exhausted me a bit.

-We're they being mean?

-Not really. Just your typical entitled, arrogant, narcissistic rich asshole.

-Nothing surprising there. Tell me something, Michael. Do you think this group you're talking about is the same group that placed such a big order from the kitchen?

-I will have to assume it's them. It's too big of a coincidence to be otherwise. Besides, it's easy to tell. That group of customers is all located on the third floor. If the order came from there, it's them.

-Yeah, that's accurate. I don't usually go and deliver food, but I could make an exception. Do you want to get some revenge?

-What? What on earth can you mean by that, Mama?

-I don't know. We could tamper with the food a little bit!

-Ew! No, Mama, that's disgusting! Despite what happened, I would never do anything like that to someone's food, or beverages, for that matter.

-Ok, baby. It was just a suggestion. I didn't mean to upset you.

She seems a bit hesitant and concerned that I somehow got offended, which is

not true at all. I just had an honest, visceral reaction to what I heard. Nevertheless, I can't have her believing that I might be upset with her. She was protective of me like she always it. That's all. I find that very sweet, and I need to let her know that I appreciate it. I walk over to her and give her a big hug, and she starts smiling again.

-Thanks for having my back, Mama. It means a lot to me.

-Of course, baby, you can always count on me! Unfortunately, I have to go back to my kitchen now, Michael. There's still food to be cooked, and I want to supervise the final touch. Come up when you get the chance, and I'll get you something to eat.

-Sounds great, Mama. This part of the day may get a bit hectic. Costumers start wandering in and out of the hotel or to the bar, and it's best if I stay put. I don't think I'll be able to sneak upstairs until later in the evening.

-We'll see what we do about that. I'll figure something out.

-Thanks again, Mama. You're awesome!

-You're a good man, Michael. You know that, right?

-That's not for me to say, Mama, but I'm glad you think that!

She gives me a short hug and heads back to the elevator. I smile back at her and maintain that smile long after the elevator started going up. She managed to brighten my whole day with such a short and sweet interaction. What makes this even better is the fact that I know she's genuine. She's an open, caring person. Maybe in a way, I regard her as a surrogate mom. I find talking to her a lot easier than I ever did talking to my family. It could be related to the fact that I met her in my adulthood. She's very protective, and there's something maternal about her, but she never spoke to me like I was a dumb child. She probably learned how to approach people better than I, being from a different generation. Or maybe she truly is a people person and doesn't let any preconceived notions or personal issues affect how she interacts with anybody.

Maybe I was the problem all along. During my teenage years, I pushed away from my family, trying to be cool, acting all rebellious, secretly hoping to make everyone pay more attention to me. That plan may have backfired on me. My parents were working-class and spent most of the day at work, trying to provide the best life they could for their three children. They didn't have time to deal with my attitude. They just let me be, hoping I'll grow out of it. Or maybe they assumed it was just a phase I was going through. I started thinking back then that they didn't even notice. Being the youngest of three, I was used to getting most of the attention, at least, up to a point. My parents probably thought that after a while, I would mature a bit and be more reasonable. I might have even resented my siblings for stealing my parents' affection from me. I never considered that they were starting high school and how important that step was. The focus should have been on them, and I see that now. I was envious of their relationship, too, with them being twins and all that. Maybe four years apart was a little too much for me to handle. When they started going out and dating, I never got to hang with them. I thought they were cutting me out, and I began to act mean and cold around them, especially towards my sister.

I looked up to my brother and used to run to him every time I had a problem. I always felt more comfortable talking to him than to my parents. He was my hero growing up. He seemed fearless to me. I guess he had to be to protect my sister and me. I following him everywhere he went, even when I shouldn't have. In my mind, I thought we would remain kids forever. But

he grew up, both of them grew up, and started spending more and more time with kids their ages. My brother told me I should also try to hang out with children my age. I wasn't good at making friends without my brother around. I didn't have any confidence on my own and didn't know how to start a conversation. I wasn't the typical inquisitive child. I would speak, but I usually needed someone else to break the ice. Even now, I still struggle from time to time in this department.

Regardless of all that, I felt betrayed. But I never blamed my brother. I didn't dare to do that. I still wanted my brother's approval, and I ran every time he called, like a needy little puppy. Instead, I developed a grudge towards my sister. I viewed her as the catalyst that caused the divide. It was easier for me to do this. I went after the weaker of the two. I guess I didn't become a coward in my adulthood. I was a coward all along. What did I base my morals on back then? I promising myself that I'll always be loyal and just and fiercely defend those closest to me. But not when it came to my sister, or anyone else in my family, for that matter. Despite all that, my sister was always sweet and warm towards me. When my parents were out of town, she made sure I eat a homecooked meal and that I was clean. I accepted that without any issue. I almost felt like she owed me that much. But where was my loyalty? I guided it towards the wrong people. I didn't know any better, and I stopped listening to any advice my siblings or parents tried to give me. After my brother and sister left for college, I could've tried to get close to my parents again. But, by that time, I had an ego. Can there be anything worst than a snotty teenager with an ego? That was probably my first big mistake in life.

-How very mature of you! Somebody's making progress! We might even say that we have a breakthrough.

-Aren't you just a ray of sunshine all of a sudden. How about you crawl back into the shadows that spawned you in the first place, and let me think?

-Why would I do that? We finally have something so let's pull this thread and see where it takes us!

-No, I have something. I figured this out all on my own. I don't need your help! I don't need anything from you!

-You'll need to bounce ideas off someone. At this moment of your life, no one understands you better than me!

-Why are you acting so friendly? You were threatening me less than half an hour ago!

-I did no such thing!

-Don't you what happened just a few moments ago?

-I did not say that. What I'm trying to say is that that wasn't a threat. It's merely your interpretation. Your conflicted state of mind creates more conflict.

-Won't you take any responsibility for that last interaction?

-I'm not real, so, no. You want the credit for this breakthrough, but you don't deserve it. I'm the one unhinging memories from your mind, and now, here we are! One of your biggest mistakes already surfaced!

-I had a clear mind! That's how I was able to figure that part out! I like how you take credit for the achievement, but blame me for the mistake! You're such a piece of shit! Since I wasn't conflicted at all, why are you here now?

-You saw the mistake you made, but you don't know what your next step should be. Or maybe your dumb ego won't allow you to make the best decision. I also know you're scared it could be too late to fix that mistake. But I am here to help, whether you believe it or not. And to be honest, I miss my family a lot, and I won't let you ruin my chance to reconnect with them!

-Where were you twenty fucking years ago?

I get a bit misty-eyed, but I have to keep it together. All the elevators open simultaneously, and a large group of people spill out of them. Fuck! It had to happen now. And, of course, it's the group of douchebags that I can't stand. The voice is gone. I know I could've handled a side conversation at this moment. And it's not like they're going to be very chatty. Even though they won't close to my desk, I still have to be cordial to them.

-Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! You're looking very sharp this evening!

One of them mutters a half-assed thank you, which is more than I expected. Mr Jones separates from the rest of the pack and gets in front, asserting one more time his leadership. I am curious, though, if he's willing to engage in any conversation. Let's find out! I know that nobody's going to make a move without him. They won't go outside and leave him here by himself. Everybody will stay put until he gets bored and decides it's time to move out. Knowing I will cause

some inconvenience to them gives me a weird sense of satisfaction, but I wish it didn't. At some point, the conversation will derail and end badly for me, I'm sure of it.

-Are you taking the kids out for a fun evening, Mr Jones?

Everyone can hear me talk, and I intentionally phrase the question like this. I'm trying to imply that I know that all of these people are nothing more than Mr Jones' minions.

-We've made reservations to the best restaurant in town!

-As expected from a man of your stature. If I may ask, was the room service unsatisfactory?

-I didn't even care for that. I'm not going to eat in my room. I'm not a pleb!

-Of course not, sir. I meant no disrespect by that. Will you also do some sightseeing while you're out?

-Probably not. What's there to see in this dump, anyway?

-A lot has changed over the years. The city grew quite nicely. All the old buildings got reconditioned, and now everything looks modern. I think it looks great. Plus, the museum got reopened, and it contains a lot of interesting pieces

of local history.

-You're very good at advertising, but I'm not interested in anything of that sort. I don't care about history or buildings.

-I guess we all find different things entertaining. I thought this is mainly a vacation, and I tried to be helpful and make some recommendations.

-You failed. Badly. But it's not your fault. You just don't understand the business world.

-It's hard to argue with that, sir, but everybody needs some away to relax and unwind. A vacation somewhere seems like the perfect way to achieve that.

-You're too small-minded to get it. A man of my stature doesn't travel the world for such trivial things. I only go somewhere if I know that there will be social or economic benefits or both.

-Doesn't that get exhausting, sir?

-Quite the opposite. It's a rush that makes me feel alive. I won't even bother to explain. Someone of your inferior status will never understand!

-I understand enough to know that's a miserable existence!

These last words echo through the lobby, and I'm sure they sting every one of them! Jones is shocked that I had the audacity to say something like that, and we've entered a staring match. My big fake smile gets wider than usual! I want him to know that all the pleasantries are not genuine, but there's nothing he can do about it as long as I'm speaking politely. I disagree with everything he says or stands for, and I despise him to the core. But this time, I will not allow myself to get heated and argue with him. No good can come of it. I will keep my composure and worry about what truly matters. I do understand what he's talking about, though. Everywhere he goes, all he cares about is displaying his power. The more arrogant he acts, the more people will eventually mistake that for confidence. That is what attracts others to do business with him. Having to assert himself as the alpha and getting into pissing contests with strangers along the way is his addiction. He gets a rush from towering over everyone else in the room. I am disgusted with myself for feeling even the slightest bit of envy for this man.

I know that his companions overheard us, and I can tell that they are not happy with this delay. This inconvenience is my small payback, but I see that it's not worth it. I feel no pleasure from it. Instead, I pity them for putting up for so long with this asshole. Maybe they see it as a small price to pay for a rich and luxurious life. I don't care anymore about this group. I will do my best to interact with them as little as possible. Every interaction I had with them so far left me with a bad taste in my mouth, and this one is no different. Mr Jones leans on the desk towards me as if prepared to give some mind-blowing words of wisdom. Judging by the evil grin on his face, I get this creepy feeling that he will say something shocking and revolting.

-If I were to book a vacation with the sole purpose of relaxing, I would never surround myself with so many losers! These people aren't worthy of carrying my luggage! If you would've played your cards right, you could've had that honour! And I would not be caught dead in a shithole like this!

He walks away, laughing like a maniac. Everybody starts following as soon as they see him making a move. I was right to pity them, but this sight also saddens me a bit. I'm watching a bunch of grown-ups walking with their heads down and whispering in fear, and I get grossed out. Maybe I see myself in some of them, but I'm not this beaten down. There's no job in the world that's worth taking this amount of shit. I don't care what the benefits are or how much it pays.

-Don't wait up, son, we're going to be home late!

Somebody from the group decides to make a joke or mock me, trying desperately to assert dominance. Whatever the case, I couldn't care less, to be honest. I don't get irritated even after I hear them all giggling. I burst into a loud laugh of my own that fills up the hotel lobby. This pathetic attempt to appear like they have any backbone amuses me. I don't care that they can hear my laugh from outside of the hotel, and I don't care what they make of it. Fuck them all! I know I'm flawed, and I just started identifying past mistakes, and I'm sure it's only the beginning, but at least I don't have to gravel to someone constantly. I it that I'm in a miserable state and that I'm unhappy. I won't spend any more time focusing on people outside my close circle. I still have a handful of friends to care for and some people I pushed out of my life, and I'd like to get back. That will be my immediate focus. I won't let any outside factors dictate how my life goes.

There's still a lot more in-depth analysis to be done and hopefully even more breakthroughs to unveil. But it will have to wait until I get home. The lobby is full of people, and I must be extra careful in the middle of this commotion. Many faces are entering or exiting the hotel, and I must make sure there are no strange ones among them. The agitation will last until around nine pm. Usually, most customers are settled inside by then. Few customers enjoy the nightlife, and those who do, won't be back until very late. But I will be home by then, and they will be Tim's problem. Speaking of which, I wonder what he'll make of the influx of customers we had today? He'll probably tell me how he was right and that everything will be fine. I am curious to see his reaction to the

arrogant douchebags we have staying here for the next couple of days. I'm sure he would have handled them better. He commands more respect than me, even though he's only a few years older.

He reminds me of my brother in that regard. It seems I found surrogates for all my family here. I'm getting a strong feeling that I was probably wrong to do that. I should've seen everybody as an individual and not compare them to the people I had at home. I don't know if I should label this as a mistake since I wasn't aware I was doing it. I took what I learned from home and used it as a beacon to start my interactions. Unfortunately, when I stepped into the world, my family relationship had fallen apart, and I may have used the wrong guidelines. There was a moment when I refusing to see any good in them. That probably twisted my way of thinking a bit and my view of the world. I became vulnerable to people taking advantage of me. It's what happens when you're nice to everybody else except those who deserve it. I don't believe that nice guy's finish last, but when you surround yourself with assholes, that starts to ring true.

I wonder if this is another breakthrough? I wish someone would appear and express an opinion on this matter, someone who knows me as I know myself or even better. How pathetic is that? I need the approval of an imaginary voice! If I had any confidence left, this would not be necessary. That's not the case anymore. I need a third party to validate all my actions lately. If he and I are the same, does it mean that I'm searching for my approval? If we manage to get on the same page and function as one, will I get my confidence back? These thoughts are hurting my fragile mind. And to top it all off, I'm starving. There's no way for me to sneak to the kitchen, and Mama can't bring anything down with all this commotion happening. I'll just power through the hunger, and maybe that will distract me from my thoughts. I can't make sense of them on my own anyway, and it's best not to let my mind wander too much.

I start interacting with the customers in the lobby. I don't spend very long with either of them, just the short stereotypical pleasantries. I'm not interested in getting to know them, and I'm careful not to let anything they say spark my rage

or hate. I'm keeping one eye on the clock while all of this is happening. I can't wait for Tim to arrive and relieve me of my duties. But more importantly, I can't wait to get home and lock the door behind me so I can be alone with my thoughts. I don't know if I have the mental strength to make sense of everything that occurred today, but hopefully, I won't be doing it by myself. I'm relying on the help of my new imaginary friend. It may sound dumb, but we might be able to have a fruitful and uninterrupted conversation from the safety of my home. Everything that happened today weighs on me considerable, and I don't think I'm capable of having multiple conversations at the same time anymore. It's best to keep everything under control for now, if possible, and have a debate with myself later behind closed doors.

The time is nine-thirty pm. The commotion has calmed down to a minimum, and Tim should be here any minute now. I can even afford to step outside for a bit and breathe in the evening air. It has a cooling effect, and it clears my mind. I take a seat on the steps in front of the hotel and listen to the crickets. I might even be able to fall asleep under these conditions. I enjoy having this thought, but something like this won't happen. I will power through the fatigue until Tim gets here, and hopefully, I'll get a good long sleep once I'm home. I stand back up and start pacing, always looking in the direction from which I expect Tim to arrive.

-Evening, Michael. Enjoying the fresh air?

It's Tim's voice, but it comes from an unexpected place, so it startles me a bit. Since I can't see who's talking, I get a little anxious. I'm worried that I might have other voices lurking around in my skull. I just hope that I haven't turned into a full-blown paranoid. Once I see him, I relax and smile.

-Hey, Tim! I wasn't expecting you to come from the side like that. You startled me a bit!

-Sorry, man. I didn't take you for a scaredy-cat.

Tim's laughing, which in turn makes me laugh, and that puts me in a great mood. It's nice to have an honest interaction with a friend. We're now close enough to shake hands.

-Where did you park your car?

-It's in the back parking lot, to its original place.

-I forgot you used to park there.

-I used to keep in front only during night shifts, but then it kind of became a habit, so I started doing it all the time.

-But why move it in the first place?

-To make it easier for some customers to hide their cars.

-I get it. And you had a change of heart all of a sudden?

-No. I just how much easier it is to get in and out of the back parking lot. If something makes your life more comfortable, you should do it.

-Words of wisdom, Tim. I'll try to them when I have a tough decision to make. Speaking of some customers, I want to ask you something.

-Well, don't act so mysterious, go ahead!

-You're a married man, right?

-You know I'm married. You've met my wife!

-Sure, sure. That wasn't the actual question. I'm trying to phrase it properly so it's more to the point.

-Then stop deviating from it! Phrase it as best you can, and we'll make sense of it. We got plenty of time.

-Ok. Here it goes. When you see those clients, our regulars, sneaking around like that, does it bother or disgusts you at all?

-No. I don't give a fuck about those customers!

-So you don't feel anything regarding their behaviour?

-I fail to see the point of this conversation, at least until now. I will entertain it though because you're my friend. Here's what I'll say about it, Michael. The only thing you should feel about them is sadness or pity.

-I never considered that. Those customers are the most affluent people in town!

-They're miserable bastards, Michael! They all dislike each other, but they have to be around each other to maintain a public appearance. They present themselves as intelligent businessmen but are dying for the chance to stab each other in the back! And the situation is no different within their own families! When people think wealth is enough to make them happy, this is what happens!

-Are you saying that none of them married for love?

-Exactly, but feel free to draw your own conclusion. Rich people marry each other to retain their wealth or obtain more. If you take a closer look at the families of the customers you speak of, you'll notice just how little they know each other. In most cases, you can avoid that if you just take the time to discover the person you're about to marry.

-You make it sound relatively easy, Tim, but there has to be more to it than that.

-It's not easy. Getting to know someone intimately might prove very challenging. And sometimes, you might not be up to the challenge.

-What if you don't like what you discover?

-That can happen. Everybody has quirks or some habits that you might find annoying. If you can't put up with them, or if that person isn't worth it, you get the fuck out. Keep in mind that you could be the one who has some weird fixations!

-It's true. Most people struggle to notice their flaws.

-That's not the hard part. You're aware you have flaws. You just don't want to it them to the other person. That would mean you have to take responsibility and work on yourself.

-You should've been a therapist, Tim!

-You can make light of it, Michael, but you've seen relationships like that. One person is a complete asshole, and the other is too weak and just takes it.

-Yeah, many times. People sometimes just settle out of fear or even get married because society demands it. Or at least they care too much about how society views them and let that dictate one of their most important steps in life.

-Well said, Michael. I knew there was a brain behind that ugly mug of yours!

We're both cracking up laughing. Tim was always good at lighting the mood during serious conversations. He knows how to do that without taking anything away from its importance. It appears almost like a test to see if the other person is paying attention. And just as swiftly as he moves away from the topic, he brings it back around. I think in doing that, he gets a more honest reaction. Bursting in laughter is a sincere emotion, and it's hard to follow that with a lie.

-Let me ask you this, Michael. Do you think any of those people are happy?

-I never even considered this before. But the more I think about it, the more I want to say no. Nobody leaves a place of happiness in the middle of the night.

-Not even to get laid?

-No, not even for that. Maybe I'm not a playboy like they are, but it all appears to be meaningless sex to me.

-I feel the same way. Why go to such lengths just to get nothing in the long run?

-It's hard to say, Tim. Could it be bragging rights?

-They do like to boast when they get together. But I believe that's just a front. Every time one of those big-shots leaves the room, the rest start talking shit about the guy who just left. If you could be a fly on the wall, you could hear just how much their personal lives are falling apart! They all know how miserable everybody else in the group is, but they refuse to see themselves.

-You were right, Tim. It's simpler to lie to yourself and pretend everything is great. If you have the money, you might even be able to pull it off.

-I don't think money is enough to make that happen. You can have all the possessions in the world and take all the exotic vacations you want. If you share them with someone you dislike, you'll still be miserable. Happiness is a feeling, and you cannot buy that. You can buy sex, but not genuine affection, and sooner or later, you'll realise that's nothing but a poor substitute.

-Here's an idea for you, Tim. What if that's what they're chasing? Happiness?

-Happiness is a state of mind. It is something you achieve, not chase.

-Maybe they try to relive it somehow. All those people must have felt it some time, and now they desperately try to recreate those conditions.

-Do you mean like an addict getting their fix?

-Yes, something like that.

-There's some validity to what you're saying, Michael, but you can only trick the brain for so long before it crumbles down and goes haywire.

-I understand that very well.

I made this last remark at my expense, but I hope Tim is caught in the moment and doesn't notice. I know what it's like for the brain to go haywire, and maybe this conversation will help me better understand what I'm looking for.

-I'll tell you just one more thing regarding these people and their mess, Michael.

-What's that, Tim?

-There's something I do find a bit irritating.

-I knew it! It had to be something!

-I'm bored with the whole cover-up we have to do for these customers. Everybody in town, their wives, their kids, their neighbours, knows what's happening. They are pretty well known, so I assume they must often be the talk of the town. Maybe the pretence secrecy gets them off somehow! And that's it! I don't want to hear anything about this topic!

-Fair enough. You humoured me plenty. I can't believe that I was a bit envious of these people!

-What? Are you fucking serious, Michael?

-Nevermind that. You closed the topic, and I'm not about to reopen it. Besides, I do want to ask you about something else.

-Great, because you were about to anger me, and I don't want to start the night shift angry.

-It's a bit more personal.

-Make it personal! I'm tired of talking about people that don't matter.

-How are you and your wife getting along?

-Fantastic. Wait! For how long do we know each other, Michael?

-Almost four years.

-Would you say we're friends?

-Yes. I would label you as a close friend even.

-Don't you think I'd tell you if something was wrong?

-Yes, of course. I didn't mean it like that. I never heard you complain once or never saw you coming from your home in a bad mood. And when you and she are together, you seem flawless. How do you pull that off?

-That's what you wanted to know?

-Yes.

-You phrased it a bit wrong.

-True. It needed some explaining, but now you got it, so don't be an asshole, Tim, and answer me.

-Touche! We got to know each other very well. Also, I should say that after a certain age, you should know what you find attractive. Both of us are honest, direct people. When you have nothing to hide, it's easy for someone to get to know you and like you for who you are!

-Sounds a bit cliche, but now I think I understand what it means.

For how long you've been together?

-We dated for about a year, we lived together for another year, and now, we've been married for five years. Marriage, for us, was just a natural progression. We never felt any pressure to do it. We didn't care what society thought of us, and we didn't give a fuck how many people were coming to the wedding! We had a wedding for ourselves only because we love each other. No one and nothing else mattered that day! And it's been like that ever since.

-That sounds awesome. Did you do any of those old school rituals that you're supposed to do at a wedding?

-No. We never cared for any of that stuff. And we didn't allow anyone to say any different!

-That's how it should be. I believe that sometimes people get married just to brag about everything that happened at the wedding.

-I agree with that. Here's what I've learned from this whole experience, Michael. If you let people dictate and interfere at your wedding, you're going to allow that same interference throughout your marriage.

-That never happened to you?

-My wife and I don't allow any type of meddling in our relationship. If we

need a second opinion, we ask for it. We have close friends that are willing to do that, and they understand how we are, and most importantly, they respect that.

-You two are perfect for each other.

-We're happy, man!

-Everybody can see how happy you two are! Is there any more secret wisdom you want to share with me?

-I wouldn't call it a secret, but honesty works wonders. And I never take out my frustrations on my wife. If I'm having a bad day, I leave that shit at the door! When I get home, I just want to be with her. I love spending time with her, and I won't waste that time complaining about trivial stuff.

-Ok, but what if something bothers you and you need to talk about it?

-We talk all the time. We're very honest and opened with each other, I told you. There is a big difference between talking with someone, asking for advice or a second opinion and dumping your problems on someone.

-How do you make the difference between them?

-To be completely honest with you, Michael, you should know this by now. If you pay attention to the conversation and the person you're having the

conversation with, you should be able to notice when you crossed that line!

-I follow everything you're saying, and I'm not sure I get it. Sometimes you want or need to get something out.

-It's a matter of tone. If you start the conversation frustrated, you'll never get the proper . You'll put everybody on tilt and in a weird mood. Instead of getting advice, people will just tell you what they think you want to hear to get you off their backs.

-I'm starting to get it, Tim. Analise with a cool head first, then present it to others.

-There you go! Here's how I learned it a long time ago. And luckily, my wife has always seen things like this too. Someone or something fucked up your day, and now you're going to ruin someone else's day? That doesn't sound fair to me.

-You're right. That's an asshole move.

-It's also a sign of weakness. You got trapped in a who knows what situation, and you got flustered. You didn't know what to do or what to say, and whatever exchange took place, you lost.

-Very well said, Tim. I'm impressed with how wise you are.

-It's not that, Michael, I think of it as a matter of common sense. Everybody dislikes rude people, but nobody ever its to being rude.

-How ironic. I guess honesty should start with yourself.

-Nicely put. Hey, Michael?

-Yeah?

-What sparked this whole conversation?

-I don't know, just a friendly chat.

-If you need advice about something, you know you can always ask, right?

-Of course, Tim. It's been a busy day, and maybe I interacted with too many strangers. I need to be able to interact with someone without any of the fake pleasantries.

-I understand, Michael. Talking with customers can get a bit repetitive and boring. Try not to let your brain go numb while doing the job, which may affect your performance.

-I noticed. I can't believe that I haven't asked this before, but how do you do that?

-Weirdly, we haven't talked about this. You seemed capable of handling everything when you started working here.

-As it turns out, I'm not, Tim.

-Don't be a dick, Michael. It doesn't suit you. You know that's not what I meant. After working the same job for a while, your brain slips into a routine. That's what causes the numbness. Try reading the newspaper or bringing a few books to have around. I would recommend fantasy or horror.

-What if I read articles and stuff like that on my phone?

-You know phones aren't allowed unless it's an emergency. There are too many distractions on it, and it's too much of a risk. I would suggest you listen to me on this one. Before you got the job here, we fired five people within a year. And all of them because of overusing their phones. They would not listen. Once I heard the first complaint, I told them to fuck off.

-And you think I wouldn't be able to handle it?

-Listen, Michael. You never had a phone addiction. But it doesn't mean it couldn't start now. Boredom is no joke. Why take that chance?

-I hear you, Tim. I don't want to put you in a tight spot. I imagine it can't be easy having to fire someone.

-You've been working here for a while, and maybe you'll get two strikes, maybe three or five cause we're friends, but after that?

-I'm going to lose my job and probably a friend too. Thanks for the trust, Tim. If I managed to stay without my phone and texting so far, why risk it?

-It's up to you. Are you having any problems with Mary because you can't text her from work?

-I don't think that was ever the issue!

-She seemed cool to me. The two of you complement each other very well. Wait! Are you trying to say something?

-We're not together anymore.

-What the fuck is wrong with you?

-Why would you assume it's me? I mean, it is me, and it's all my doing, but you could at least pretend you're on my side!

-I'm here for you, Michael. And I didn't mean you're wrong in this situation, what I wanted to say is, why didn't you told me anything sooner?

-At first, I thought it's best not to bring it up, but I guess I was working my way to it.

-We talked for half an hour about way less important stuff. I know it's not something easy to talk about, but I'd like to know what happened!

-I don't know how to explain. Out of the blue, I started pushing Mary away, thinking it's better if things end now and avoid any further complications.

-Did she do anything wrong?

-No, she was great!

-Did you found someone else?

-No, I'm not that guy, Tim. And I can tell you with certainty that I still love her.

-Was she cheating? I understand this is a hard thing to it, but I had to ask.

-No. I never had any reason to believe that. Mary was heartbroken about the breakup. It took her completely by surprise.

-Then what the fuck was the problem? Do you know that many people would kill for what you and Mary had?

-Yeah, maybe. I don't know what the problem was.

-That makes no sense to me. I need to hear you had some reason. You still love Mary, and, from what I understand, she still loves you. Did you stop enjoying spending time together?

-Quite the opposite. We even talked about moving in together. And I was

happy about how things were evolving, until one day, I started freaking out!

Maybe I loved her too much! I started feeling like I can't live without her! Almost

like I was addicted to her! I don't know how to explain! It made no sense to me

either!

-You panicked. You got overwhelmed with emotions, and that caused you to freak out. You entered a state of flight or fight, and you had to choose one.

-But why run? I wasn't afraid!

-I couldn't tell you. Maybe you didn't even realise it. Your survival instinct kicked in, and running away seemed safer.

-I don't know, Tim. When I say it out loud, it seems more like I acted like a coward!

-Moving in with someone and possibly considering living with that person for the rest of your life can be terrifying. It could awake all sorts of instincts inside you, and you'll end up following one of them eventually.

-It's as good an explanation as any. Nothing made sense anyway, so I'm willing to accept this one. It just seems like something that a dumb person would do. I bet you didn't have this issue, right, Tim?

-You'd lose that bet, Michael. The first night after we moved together, I couldn't sleep at all. Going from spending a few nights a week to potentially spending every day next to the same person send shivers down my back.

-Did it fuck with your confidence?

-I almost lost it completely, Michael.

-Did you start thinking you made the wrong choice or that you're moving too fast?

-No. I have never doubted my wife or wanting to be with her. Once I realised how much I love her, I knew I wanted to be with her forever. Losing confidence doesn't change how you see others.

-It only makes you feel weak and incapable of offering any comfort or joy to those around you.

-Something like that, Michael. You no longer have a sense of self-worth, and you start considering yourself inconvenient to others. Entering such a slump can be very detrimental to your future. It can put you into a state of depression and ruin every relationship you have.

-Does it ever become a problem for you?

-No. I was able to fight it off very fast once I realised what was happening.

-You make it sound easy, Tim.

-It wasn't easy at all. It took all my mental fortitude.

-You're more of a fighter than me.

-It's not only about that. You allowed your judgement to get clouded. You must find an anchor in moments like this. If you cannot focus and find one, you will drift away and lose yourself and everything you once held dear.

-Nah. I don't think it's that serious. There's also a chance that my instinct was right. We should get inside.

I turn swiftly, enter the hotel and head for the desk. I want to change the subject, but knowing Tim, he won't let this go that easy. It irritates me that he's saying the same things as the voice in my head. He articulates everything a lot better, and maybe I needed to hear this from a real person, especially from a friend. I could take this opportunity to open up to him even more. But I won't, I can't, I'm too scared of what his reaction could be. He might even think that I'm not sincere, and I'm only trying to deflect from our previous conversation. But what if he believes me? What if he calls a mental facility and attempts to have me committed? I start fiddling with the , trying to divert his attention. He grabs that thick heavy book slams it shut. His demeanour turns very severe.

-I'm not done with you, Michael! When's the last time you talked with Mary?

-I couldn't tell you exactly, three weeks ago, maybe more.

-Holy shit! I knew something was off about you lately!

-No, I'm fine. I told you this morning, Tim, I didn't rest well, that was all.

-I'm not talking about this morning, Michael. My gut was telling me that something changed around here, but I never factored you in. I just assumed that you'd talk to me if something's wrong. You made me feel like a bad friend.

-You're a great friend, Tim! If anything, I'm the one who fucked up.

-Of course, you fucked up, you fucking asshole. Not a word about any of this in over three weeks?

-I'm sorry, man. I wanted to talk about it, but I just didn't know how to get to it. I thought it wasn't such a big deal, and I told myself that I shouldn't bother you with something like this.

-Call Mary!

-What?

-I said, call Mary! Three weeks or a month, however long it was, is indeed a long time, but it doesn't mean it's too late. There was a lot to process for both of you, and there's a possibility that nothing changed.

-I doubt that one phone call will fix everything.

-I'm not saying that, Michael. It might not fix anything. But Mary deserves to hear what you told me. What she decides to do with the information is up to her.

-I agree, Tim. But don't I risk causing more pain? What if Mary started the healing process and moved on?

-Then hearing your explanation could help even more. If you love Mary, be honest with her all the way through.

-And you want me to call her now?

-Yes.

-In your presence?

-Yes, Michael. I want to see you make the call and if she picks up. I'm not interested in listening to your conversation. You can step outside and talk. There are plenty of places for you to have privacy.

I can't see a way out of this. If I value Tim's friendship at all, I will have to do this. I have a real issue mustering up the courage to do it. There are so many uncontrollable factors, so many things that can go wrong, and that makes me feel

very anxious. I might not have to do it after all, or at least I have extra time to think about it. The hotel doors open wide, and a large group of people enters the lobby. It's my least favourite group of people in the world, but at the same time, I've never been happier seeing so many assholes at once. I take a few steps towards them to offer a proper welcome.

-Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen! How was your evening out?

Everybody snubs me off. I can't say I'm surprised by this. And it's not like I don't deserve this type of treatment because I do. I ran from a conversation with a friend that did me a lot of good and thrown myself to the wolves. I got scared and fled again. Every choice I have made lately seems to be out of fear, and it's always the wrong one.

-Good evening, everyone!

Tim's voice echoes through the lobby. He's good at standing his ground without appearing aggressive. His voice sounds firm and determined and gets everyone's attention. Even Mr Jones doesn't know what to do. He's not used to being overshadowed like this, and he appears to be intimidated by Tim. I feel that they've met before, and I don't think things worked out great for Mr Jones. Regardless, Tim doesn't care about social status or any of that bullshit at all. He just takes people at face value. And he's a pretty good judge of character too.

-We're not invisible, and you didn't just walk into a haunted house. It's in poor taste to leave your manners at the door. Besides, it's in everyone's best interest to keep our interactions polite and pleasant.

-And who might you be?

Mr Jones decides to step up and face Tim. He doesn't have much of a choice since no one else will. After all, he has an image to protect. It's clear to everybody present that Mr Jones is no match for Tim. I'm paying close attention to this interaction as I'm sure there's something to be learned.

-You know who I am. You all grew up in this town, and most of you have heard of me. Just like I know who some of you are. The difference is that I'm not intimidated or impressed, or give a fuck for that matter. So let's start this from scratch. I'm Tim, and I'm in charge of the night shift. If you have any issues, you'll be dealing with me. If you have nightmares and can't sleep, I'll be sure to come to tuck you in. Does anyone have any questions?

-No, I think we're all fine. We'll be on our way to our rooms.

-Are you sure? Cause judging by the looks on your dumb faces, you all seem a bit confused!

Mr Jones is speechless! He hasn't been treated like his in a long time and has no idea how to handle it. He clearly wants no part of Tim anymore but doesn't know how to escape this predicament.

-Well then, if you don't want to talk, how about you fuck off! Good night and rest well!

-Thank you, and good night!

Mr Jones turns and heads for the elevator with his tail between his legs, followed by his entire flock of douchebags. They all cram inside and avoid eye until the doors close. I am in awe of what Tim was able to do in such a short time. I am full of iration towards him and maybe even a bit envious. I cannot believe something like this took place under my eyes!

-What the fuck was that, you crazy beautiful bastard?

-What's the matter, Michael? Didn't you ever see me in action?

-I had no idea we could talk to customers like that. You should've done this sooner. It could've spared me a lot of trouble!

-Every once in a while, you have to put some of them in their place. Usually, it's a one and done type of situation, and there shouldn't be any repercussions.

-Looks great. I suppose you can't handle everything with irony and sarcasm.

-I'm sure you noticed, but most of the time, that flies over their heads anyway. Those are tricks to amuse yourself and stay in a good mood.

-That's all good, Tim. But, if you have a high number of jerks like these,

bringing out the big guns sure seems fun. I should probably don't do it, though.

-And why's that, Michael?

-I might enjoy it too much and have too much fun. In the end, it will probably cost me my job.

-As long as it doesn't turn into an actual fight, you should be fine. Sometimes going a bit overboard is justified and completely understandable.

-I can understand that, but I'm not sure the big boss would. And it's a lot easier for you to say that, Tim.

-And why do you say that, Michael?

-We both know that Mr Johnson loves you like a son. In his eyes, you can do no wrong. I would go as far as to say that he would prefer you as a son over that screw-up Junior.

-I think you're exaggerating. You are talking about a man's flesh and blood.

-I meant no disrespect, Tim. I know they're harsh words, but I'm not that far from the truth. And I'm only aware of a handful of Junior's screw-ups. I'm sure you were privy to most of his adventures, even to some of the blockbusters.

-And what makes you think that, Michael?

-It doesn't take a genius to see that you and Mr Johnson have a bit of a father-son relationship. I realised that you were Mr Johnson's confidence a long time ago.

-You're more observant than I gave you credit for, Michael. Sorry about that. I never intended to keep it a secret from you, especially after we became friends.

-Don't worry about it, Tim, I get it. You were in a difficult spot. But I am curious about one thing.

-And what might that be?

-Did you ever have to go bail Junior out of trouble?

-I'm not at liberty to discuss that aspect with you, Michael.

We start laughing uncontrollably. I wish all my interactions would end like this. No matter how serious or sensitive the topic is, things never get heated between Tim and me. Even when we're fiercely disagreeing, the situation doesn't get tense. Somehow, we find common ground and make the right decision. Or we identify the best advice, usually from him to me.

-Hey, Michael! Did any of these people give you a hard time?

-Which ones? These last ones with Mr Jones?

-Yes. You don't have to be so formal when the customer is not around, you know.

-I know, Tim. But it won't do any harm if I develop a habit of using formalities.

-True. That group of customers left me the impression that they're rude people.

-They are, and they did rub me the wrong way a little bit. But no, Tim, I don't want you to do anything about it.

-Are you sure?

-Positive. If you asked a few hours ago, I would've said to run them over with your car.

-It's a bit extreme but doable.

-I'm exaggerating, of course. When customers like these show up, they put me in a bad mental state, but you were right. They're don't matter in the long run. Rich, entitled, arrogant jerks will come and go through this hotel. I can't let all of them ruin my day. I need to do some introspective thinking and set my priorities in order.

-At a boy, Michael. , it's ok to panic and to get scared every once in a while. Just don't let fear dictate what you're going to do.

-I'll try to listen to reason more.

-And instinct, I would add. It means you no harm, but don't follow it blindly. Try to see how it filters through your reasoning. Eventually, instinct and reason should align.

-Thank you, Dr Tim. And how much will this session cost me?

We're having a bit of a laugh. I feel some pressure has lifted only from talking to Tim. I can tell there's a bit of order in my head now. I need to find the courage to apply everything I've learned today. I'll sort through my thoughts more once I get home since it's getting pretty late.

-The first session is free, Michael. And you're also free to go.

-I was about to say I should get home. I need a good night rest to be sharp

tomorrow morning.

-Do you want to take my car?

-Nah, I'm good. It's been a while since I last drove a car, and nighttime is not the best time to restart that. Besides, it's only a ten minutes walk. The fresh air will do me some good, maybe even help me get to sleep.

-Ok, Michael. Go home and get some well-deserved rest. Just sleep and clear your head. Don't give anything a second thought. We'll figure out what's the next move together. Don't worry. I've got your back.

-Thanks, Tim. I never doubted that for a second. Don't work too hard, ok? And if anyone gives you any shit, you give them hell!

We shake hands, nod our heads, and I take my leave. It's chilly outside. I find this lower temperature very refreshing. I like this route at night, especially during this season. The street lights make the surroundings appear poetic and a bit romantic even. The thoughts in my head start clearing out. Pretty soon, all of them are gone except for one. I'm analysing the conversation I had with Tim. I want to use it as a guideline, as motivation to change my behaviour. Or change the way I react to factors beyond my control. Or both. At least one of them is turning into a real problem, and it's about time I address it.

I'm halfway home when my phone starts to ring. It's probably Tim wanting to remind me about calling Mary. I could just let it ring and tell him that I had it on silent, and that's why I didn't pick up. After what a day I've had, I can't believe I'm considering not only ignoring a call from a friend but also lying to

him. I'm turning into a piece of shit, and I need to do something about it fast. I reach into my pocket and pull out my phone. I'm staring at the screen for a second, a bit perplexed. It's not Tim who's calling me. It's my mom. But why call at this hour? It's a bit late for her to make courtesy calls. Maybe something happened. I should just answer the phone and stop being a moron.

-Hey, mom! What's going on?

-Hey, son! Nothing much. We were just talking about you and wondering how you've been.

-I'm ok, mom. I just finished my shift, and now I'm heading home.

-Isn't it a bit late, dear?

-I guess. Tim and I started talking and joking around and time just flew by.

-Did you eat something?

-No. The evening was crazy, and I didn't get a chance to eat.

-Oh, dear. Do you want to come over? I'll fix something for you.

-It's too far away, mom. Besides, at this moment, I'm already in front of my apartment. I'll just eat whatever I find in the fridge. There has to be something.

-Ok, baby. I understand.

-I would love to come over and see you and dad. But I'm exhausted.

-I know, baby. Don't worry. Just make sure you don't go to bed with an empty stomach.

-Of course, mom. I'll make sure to take care of myself.

-That's great. I'll talk to you soon. Ok, son?

-Anytime you want, mom. I'll try to make time to visit you one of these days.

-That would be great, son. We love you, baby.

-Ok, mom. Good night!

I'm choking a little bit, and I have to hold back a tear. I just realised how much I missed my mom over the years. I miss all of them. I wonder if they're talking

about me often. It was so much easier to think that they forgot about me. I gave them the cold shoulder for so long that I don't know how to let them back in. I am sure they're also aware of the weird relationship we've developed. Do they blame themselves for everything that went wrong between us? I need to have an honest conversation with them soon. I should have told my mom I love her too. Why didn't I do that?

-Because you're an idiot! An opportunity just presented itself to you, and you didn't take it. You could've gone and talked with your parents now. You didn't have to make any excuses to go there or any weird phone calls. All you had to do is accept the invitation you just received and go! You failed to accomplish even such a simple task. What a moron you are! You just don't get it. You have to change something right now. You need to stop putting off important things for later. We both know you're not going to handle them. Take out your phone, call mom back and let her know you're on your way. You don't even have to call. You can just go! She'll be happy to see you! One action from you could make so many people happy tonight. Why don't you listen to me? You scared pathetic excuse of a man!

The voice in my head is going off on a rant. He's screaming his discontent with me. I'm not replying to this thing anymore. Maybe if I ignore it, it will go away. I'll maybe learn to operate with it in the background, like some sort of weird white noise. I'm not listening to him anyway. I found out more about myself today than I thought it was possible, things I didn't even want to find out. Or I finally dared it some things to myself. Whichever one it was, I did it without the help of a dumb imaginary voice. I have real people I can talk to, and I'm going to do that as often as possible, with the risk of becoming boring and annoying.

The walk home went by very fast. I didn't pay any attention to the scenery or to any people that I came across. I seem to be very focused and determined about what my next move should be. I enter the apartment building and go up the stairs full of confidence. I take out my keys and unluck the door, grab the

doorknob and press it to open the door and go inside. The moment the door opens, my hand starts to shake on the doorknob and my heart sinks. I get an uneasy feeling as if I'm walking into an unsafe environment. Why does my home frighten me? I should consider this place my fortress, the one place that can keep evil and misery out. I did something wrong here too. I'm beginning to realise it as I'm closing the door behind me.

I never left my problems at the door. Whatever horrible mood I was in, I always brought it back home with me. I screamed my frustrations in this place a lot of times. If the walls could talk, they would've told me to fuck off a long time ago. But instead, they just bounced back my worthless screams like a pathetic echo. It was my pitiful cries that kept on grinding me down and destroyed my spirit. Everything that happened came as a result of years of self-harm and selfabuse. Even though it was all psychological, it affected me severely, and not just mentally. I should be in my prime, yet my body indeed got weaker these last few years. My sleep patterns changed, which caused my body to feel tired even after a good night sleep. Lately, my body doesn't seem to recover at all during sleep. And today, I was made painfully aware that my brain also doesn't shut off during sleep. It probably spins out of control until I out from exhaustion.

The inside of my apartment appears bleak and gruesome all of a sudden. It seems like a fitting place for a tormented person like myself to go into hiding. I don't know if the apartment was always like this or if my mood makes it look darker. I can't tell if I reflect on it or if it reflects on me. Maybe some remodelling is in order. I did read somewhere that waking up to livelier colours can improve your mood. I didn't pay much attention to it at that moment, but it might be worth a try. I can afford to do it, and I should be able to find the time too. I can always take a few days off work. I'm sure Tim wouldn't mind, and he can get someone to cover for me for a while.

-You should quit your job entirely!

-What? That's the dumbest thing you said all day!

Oh, fuck! I wasn't going to reply to him anymore. He's good at getting under my skin and catching me off guard. I guess ignoring this voice at all times will prove to be a difficult task. I will have to double-check where the words are coming from before engaging in any conversation. I'm aware that delaying my responsiveness could make me look rude or arrogant, but hopefully, this situation won't last much longer.

-You should leave that job and find something else. You're incapable of noticing but working there has become very toxic for you.

I don't want to talk to him, but I must it that I am a bit intrigued by what he's saying. What could be his reasoning behind it? Indeed, his explanations didn't always make sense, but maybe there's some benefit in listening to them. Am I honest with myself right now? I need to be sure about my next move. If I'm going to engage with him in a conversation again, it must be worth it. I must not allow uncertainty and weakness to dictate what happens next. Curiosity will get the best of me, after all.

-What do you even know about jobs? I don't think you grasp the importance of having a job!

-I'm not a child, you idiot. I know everything there is to know about them. I understand how society works a lot better than you. You're too close to notice some things. Although, you probably don't have the smarts to realise what's going on anyway.

-You've become very rude lately. I was willing to listen to a different point of view, but I'm not taking shit from you anymore.

-That sounds so manly of you! It almost had me fooled for a second. But then again, I know you all too well.

-And what's that supposed to mean?

-You cannot act tough and brave with me. I know you need someone to hold your hand in the dark, or else you run scared.

-Believe whatever you want. I may appear a bit needy at times, but those are just some bad moments. Everybody has those. Luckily my friends understand that and don't make a big deal out of it. But then again, they're not assholes like you.

-I've seen how you treat your friends. I would rather be anything else than your friend.

-Well, fuck you too!

-Did I touch a nerve there, big boy?

-You have no idea what you're talking about. But I finally see how you operate.

-Did you manage to figure me out? I didn't even know you were trying.

-I understood today that I made some grave errors along the way, so I had to take a more honest look at myself. And what better place to start than with the voices bouncing in my head.

-Cut the suspense already! I'm dying to hear your discoveries!

-Every time you appeared, I thought it was to help with a situation or shine some light on an issue. Even when you had an attitude problem, I gave you the benefit of the doubt. But midway through every interaction we've had, you take a vicious turn. You get aggressive, sometimes wildly, and start attacking me. You're the voice that's making me doubt everything I am! You're the reason we cannot work together!

-You're wrong in everything you said. I'm not real, so how can I affect you so much?

-The screams you unleash in my head feel very real to me. You're the sad part of me. You're the one who can't let go of the past.

-To some degree, what you're saying is correct. But again, like most of the time, your interpretation is wrong. After years of lying to yourself, I finally saw you accept some responsibility for your actions. That didn't last for very long. How stupid of you to make the scapegoat a fragment of your imagination?

-That's not what I'm doing at all. I know I screwed up in life big time if I'm in this situation. But you're not the voice of reason here to guide me through the darkness. Maybe you're the expression of my guilt, and there was some small value to what you did, but there's nothing left for you to do here.

-Are you breaking up with me?

-Good one! Remind me to laugh next time you attempt a joke.

-What can I say? We're not funny.

-Whatever. But that just goes to show how futile you are. There's no upside to you being here anymore.

-Do you think I have nothing left to bring to the table?

-I'm one hundred per cent on that.

-If you're that confident, then I guess I'll just fade away back into nothingness. You see, confidence in your decisions leaves no room for guilt and regrets.

-What great parting words! I'll be sure to them.

-You suck at sarcasm.

-We have a lot in common. We are the same, after all, with a tiny difference. You're not real, and it's time for you to disappear!

-I must it I love your newfound confidence. We'll see very soon if it's real or if, once again, you're full of shit! Just in case this is the last time we speak, would you like to hear my plan?

-Do you mean whatever solution you thought you had to get us out of this situation?

-Exactly.

-Are you going to suggest that I should quit my job at the hotel again?

-That is my suggestion, yes. And I have solid arguments to make it.

-I don't want to hear them. I have no intention of following whatever dumb plan you have anyway. It's the best job I have had so far. What happened today was just a fluke. It was a string of bad things that came one after another.

-Do you think it's just a coincidence? Do you not see yourself at the centre

of everything that happened?

-Everything doesn't revolve around me. I'm not an egomaniac.

-I didn't mean it like that. But do you not believe that what happened today is a result of your actions?

-No. Sleep deprivation is the more likely cause. That's why I was so agitated today, and that's why I couldn't control my emotions.

-Tiredness weakens the body and the mind, but the regret and guilt that surfaced today are all yours. Those feelings have nothing to do with sleep deprivation!

-I itted some of my mistakes today, and I'm sure that I'll discover more if I analyse more profound. I regret some of my past actions, but everyone involved should share the guilt. I wasn't the only one involved, so why should I take all the blame?

-You raise a good point, and if you manage to keep this way of thinking, you might just be able to pull through. But the thing is, I think this is only a brief moment of clarity, and you won't be able to maintain this momentum.

-I bet that's what you want. You're trying to seed doubt in my mind in a desperate attempt to hold on. You crawled out of the shadows and got a taste of my world, but it's time for you to go back.

-I would gladly vanish for good if I could be sure that you're back to normal. You have no idea how vigorously I'm rooting for you to make it whole out of this.

-Your actions show quite the opposite!

-I'm ok with you believing that. I genuinely hope that this is the last time we speak and that you get control of your life. Just in case I'll be gone when you next wake up, I'll tell you what I think about your beloved job.

-I'm not interested in hearing it!

-Well then, why don't you silence me? You should be able to do it if you've taken back control. Or if you're so confident in your next moves, what I will say shouldn't phase you. You should be able to provide counter-arguments to my point with ease.

-Stop dragging this along! Make your final statement and make it fast. The sooner we get this over with, the sooner I can get away from you!

-Working at that hotel killed you inside. You lost every ounce of ion for this life, and you can't draw pleasure or joy out of anything anymore. You traded all of that for nothing.

-You're acting overdramatic. I've entered a bit of a slump, but I can

overcome it. And as far as the job goes, it has been rewarding.

-Financially, sure. But it sapped all your will to live without you even noticing. In the end, the price you'll pay will be too high. None of this will be worth it.

-Now I see you're the crazy one. You're just spouting nonsense. You have brought no arguments to what you're saying.

-When's the last time you had a hobby or some sort of interest outside work?

-I do what I can with the free time that I have. I must prioritise work before pleasure sometimes.

-Including before relaxing and unwinding. But that's all a bunch of horse shit. What happened is you started living through other people. You listened to person after person telling what great times they had in their vacations, and you started imagining yourself in their place. You started being jealous because you never visited so many places, despite how easy it is. You heard many things about many parts of the world from people and started believing that they ruined your fantasy vacation. You felt like they soiled everything for you! And then you started hating them, but in reality, you only hated yourself. You turned into a bitter bastard who forgot how to have any fun. All you do in your spare time is flip through the channels on tv. You locked yourself away from the world and started screaming at everyone. The more you saw people interacting and having fun with each other, the angrier you grew. When you see them be ionate about something outrages you. This behaviour turned into a daily routine, whether you're at home or work.

-You're basing everything on what happened today. This day was arguably the worst day of my life, and you're using it as a baseline?

-This day wasn't the base of anything, quite the opposite. You reached a peak of frustrations today, and you started going downhill. You got trapped in a snowball effect, and you're still in it. You won't be able to fake this confidence for long, and once it's gone, you're going to beg for my help!

-You are such a drama queen. I guess you're trying whatever it takes to make yourself feel needed. All the points you made so far sounded very stupid. You're not showing any intelligence, but you could demonstrate at least some dignity. Die with honour, as they say!

-You're slowly making me not want to talk with you anymore. You are very good at pushing people away, even the imaginary ones. Now I know how your friends felt!

-You fucking asshole! You have no right to mention any of them!

-Don't act all high and mighty and pretend you care about any of them! You had plenty of chances to be ive and protective, yet you didn't take them. And that's why you have no more friends!

-I have plenty of friends!

-Of course, you do. And what's the best way of showcasing that if not screaming it alone in the dark! You're too blind to notice how miserable and friendless your existence has become.

-I have a lot of friends at work!

-A lot? You're sort of friendly with two or three coworkers. And that's all. But how many long time pals did you lost touch with since you got this job?

-People grow apart. And sometimes the hours are a bit hectic to allow time for socialising. You keep spinning it around, trying to blame the job, but you have nothing.

-You misunderstand what I'm saying. The job pays well and does allow for some free time. It would be awesome, in the hands of a more intelligent person. I'm entirely blaming you, you idiot! You couldn't appreciate this job for what it was and, you let it control you. When's the last time you paid attention to a conversation? Don't bother trying to ! I'll tell you exactly when that was! Never. From day one, you stopped giving a fuck about what the person in front of you is saying and just regurgitated the same dumb lines. The only exception was when jealousy got the best of you, and you started hating the person! You could focus then all of a sudden! You wanted to hear details just to be more specific with your hate. You soon became nothing more than an envious judgemental little shit! You exhibited the same behaviour towards your friends too. You just couldn't stand to see anybody happy. And if you think it wasn't noticeable, you're dead wrong! All your friends saw it clearly, and when you started distancing yourself from them, they probably felt relief. The only thing you knew how to do was retreat in your apartment, sit alone in the dark and curse people out. You trashed friends and strangers alike as if there was no difference between them. It was all the same to you. Nobody understood poor little Michael, and everybody was unjust to him! Michael deserved better Michael should've been the centre of everyone's attention since Michael did so

fucking much for everyone else! What's the matter, Michael? Can you not find a remark to shut me up? Where are all your witty comebacks? It's hard to dismiss the truth, especially when it's so obvious. But you know all this. That's why you've been lying to yourself for so long. I do have a piece of information for you that will tie everything together. You started developing this tendency at work. All those successful men you saw prancing around with their mistresses got on your nerves. And not because you had morals or integrity, just because deep down, you envied every last one of them. You never cared that they hurt other people through their behaviour! You couldn't stand seeing them have fun and living life. Something you've been incapable of doing for a couple of years. how relieved you felt when Tim told you that they're probably unhappy? You enjoyed hearing that! Their misery is more important to you than your happiness. That's how miserable people react when they find out that someone else is sad. All of a sudden, their misfortune is justified, and there's nothing to be done. The universe is unfair, and it's out of your control. You shut down within the first week of working here and started living in your head, just like you do at home. I caught only a tiny glimpse of the murderous thoughts that through your head, but you probably had thousands of those over the years. It might be impossible to recall when it all started. You have the wrong perception that because you interact with other people here, you're not alone. But these aren't true interactions. You spend about half an hour a day around people you like, which is way too little to get any real psychological benefits. And I'm not even sure you appreciate their company. They're just kind to you, so you probably enjoy that. You think you deserve kindness, although you don't repay it equally. The bottom line is this, Michael. You don't have to be alone to feel alone. It takes focus and honesty to recognise that, and at this moment, you possess none of those. You need to get your head together swiftly if you want to make it out of this mess. I honestly doubt this will be the last time we talk. Get all the rest you can tonight. You'll need it! It's going to take a lot of energy out of you for the battle ahead. I will be rooting for you to pull through and come out whole. Oh, yeah. One more thing. Tim was wrong! Don't call Mary! You've hurt her enough already! You have no right to drag her into this. You owe her more! At the very least, let her be until you sort yourself out.

My head slowly goes quiet. All that he left behind was a strange noise still echoing within my skull. My brain is finally waking up from a slumber and starts processing this new information. All this time, I was standing in the

kitchen staring at my fridge. This prolonged argument took a lot out of me. Even though I feel like I don't have an appetite anymore, I will eat. I must be able to put together a sandwich or something fast like that. Besides, I made a promise to mom that I won't go to bed hungry. Even if she couldn't possibly check up on me, maybe it's time I stop lying and become a man of my word. What better way to start than with something small like this?

After every altercation I had with that annoying voice, it left me shaking. This time I felt different. I felt sure of myself, and I remained unmoved. I'm not disturbed by anything it said. I was right not to engage with it in a heated debate and just let it ramble. Towards the end, it all sounded like the words man. This whole day was pure madness. I wouldn't be surprised if tomorrow, after I wake up, all this will turn out to be a bad dream.

What if that's what this is? What if I'm stuck in some very realistic nightmare? Improbable, but regardless of that, my subconscious is trying to tell me something. I must change my behaviour and the way I look at this world. I have a few past mistakes that I must correct, and I need to regain my lost confidence. I don't believe there's any point in figuring out how I lost it in the first place. It probably happened gradually, and I don't think I could identify the first time it happened. It sounds like a waste of time too. I uncovered enough today, and I should be busy for quite a while. I have to talk to many people, and I have no idea with who to begin.

I lost too much time tonight. That irritating guy inside my head and his dumb speculations took up most of it. It's close to midnight now, and I believe calling Mary is out of the question. She's not one to stay up very late, and I don't want her to freak out when she gets my call. I could try to call her in the morning while I'm having my coffee. That would be a more appropriate time, and I should be well-rested and in a better mental state. I'm heading straight for bed. I don't even care about showering right now cause that might give me a short burst of energy and ruin my sleep. I take off my clothes, get between the sheets and close my eyes. I'm breathing very calmly, and I can tell that my body is about to

shut down. Everything goes silent, and I fall asleep very soon.

I feel a bright light on my face, and a dreadful beeping sound wakes me up. I recognise that noise pretty fast. It's my alarm going off. I jump out of bed, feeling rested and energised. It's been a rough couple of weeks, and this is one of the few times when I can honestly say that I had a good night sleep. I notice my hands feel stable and that no sweat is covering my body. I think the nightmare is over, and the monsters under my bed are gone. I head for the kitchen and start brewing a fresh pot of coffee. While the coffee cools off a bit, I'm going to take my morning shower. My mood is so good right now that I may start whistling at any moment.

It might only be in my head, but I'm sure even the coffee tastes better. I'm considering leaving earlier for work. Tim probably wouldn't mind if I relieve him sooner than usual. I'm hoping that the walk will also give me an appetite. I don't think I'll be able to eat anything right now, and I'm positive that Mama must have something delicious waiting for me. Speaking of Tim, that reminds me I must call Mary. I promised myself I will call this morning, and I don't want to face Tim without doing so. He won't accept any bullshit excuses. I am a bit unsure about how to approach this conversation.

There's no point in overthinking this. It's not like I'm scared to talk to Mary. I just hope I have enough finesse left in me to explain myself and not push her away even more. I might not have time to go into too many details anyway. Unless something drastically changed, she also has work in the morning. Let me stop dragging this along and just call already. I thought about all the worst scenarios by now, and if one of them comes true, I'll just have to handle it. I grab the phone and dial Mary. As I put the phone by the ear, I can feel my heart skipping a beat. I can hear it ring, and I wish with all my heart that she answers. I missed the sound of her voice very much, and if nothing else, at least hearing it will bring some comfort.

-Hello?

There's a voice on the other end. Hearing Mary calms me down and makes me smile. I must stay composed, though, and that things aren't the same between us.

-Hi, Mary. Michael here!

-Yeah, I know who this is. I still have the number on my phone.

-Right. Sorry, I'm a bit nervous. You've been on my mind for a while, and I was wondering, how you've been?

-I had some ups and downs, but I'm getting better.

-Are you seeing anyone?

-I don't think that's any of your business.

-Ok, I wasn't trying to be disrespectful. Also, that wasn't the purpose of this conversation.

-Then why did you call, Michael? Can you get to it? I have to leave for

work in a few minutes.

-Of course. It's just this isn't as easy as I would've thought. I don't know where to begin.

-Am I causing some sort of inconvenience for you, Michael?

-No, not at all. I understand that you're angry, and you have every right to be.

-You've hurt me a lot, Michael.

-I'm so sorry, babe. Fuck! I know I'm not allowed to call you that anymore.

-Never mind that now. The thing is, you can't just say sorry and wipe everything clean.

-I am aware of that. To be honest, I don't know if I deserve your forgiveness. But I would like to explain myself to you if you give me a chance.

-We can talk about it, but I don't know if now it's the best time.

-You're right. It's getting late, and we both risk not making it on time for

work. Do you think we could do this another time?

-We should be able to figure something out.

-Do you think we could do it face to face?

-Are you sure it's a good idea?

-It might be easier to explain. You don't owe me anything, so it's entirely up to you.

-It's not about who owes what, Michael. I'm considering if seeing each other again could have some unhealthy repercussions.

-I'm not trying to trick you into going on a date! Don't get me wrong. I would be lying if I'd said I wouldn't enjoy seeing you again.

-I can't say right now that I trust you completely. I'll think about it and let you know. That's the best I can do right now.

-Ok, I respect that.

-I'll text you to let you know what I've decided.

-Ok, Mary. Take care, and it was nice hearing your voice!

-Have a great day, Michael. Bye-bye!

-Bye, Mary.

That wasn't so bad. I started a bit rusty, but I kept calm, and I think I did manage to get my point across in the end. I wish I found out if Mary's seeing anyone or not. I could've been a lot smoother with that question. I don't believe she moved on that quick, but no matter whether she did or didn't, I must tell her the truth. How far to go with this truth? Do I tell her everything that happened yesterday? It's going to be too much to explain at once. I need to see her reaction to the breakup of our relationship first. I'll take it from there, but I must not be selfish and give her time and room to process everything. I'll try to be understanding of her before asking her to understand me.

Enough of that for now. It's time to get ready and leave for work. I get dressed, fix my hair and walk out the door. It's another beautiful day, and my mood seems to match it perfectly. I'm paying a lot of attention to my surroundings this morning, nature and people alike. Everything I see seems to be enjoyable. I have no issue walking around those neighbours that are stopped in the middle of the alley chatting. I watch them cordially interact with each other and feel no resentment or any ill intent. Whenever they look at me, I smile and nod my head as a hello.

Although I'm heading to work, this feels like a sightseeing stroll. I'm fascinated by how much my mood affects my perception. I wonder if Tim is going to notice anything changed at me. He will surely pay close attention to me.

He felt genuinely bad because I didn't open up to him sooner, so I must tread carefully. I'm getting close to the hotel, and I will shortly see how Tim treats me. I can spot the front of the hotel now, and the first thing I observe is that there's nobody outside. On the plus side, it could mean that Tim was very busy during his shift and still is. I'll just have to head inside and find out.

I see Tim at the front desk talking with a customer, I presume. He notices me looking at him from behind the customer, and at that moment, for whatever reason, I decided to show him the finger. I haven't fucked around like this in a while, so I'm enjoying this. He shakes his head at me, and I start quietly giggling. I sit on one of the chairs in the lobby and wait for Tim to finish up. He shouldn't take long, and he's not one to drag out customer interactions. Tim likes to keep it brief, to the point where I used to think that he's a bit anti-social. That's not the case. Unlike me, he doesn't care for the approval of strangers. Keep it short and polite, and make room for the people that truly matter.

The customer is all set and heads for the elevator. Tim gets out from behind the desk and goes outside. He probably needs some fresh air to clear his head. I follow him closely, wanting to talk.

-Rough night, Tim?

-Not at all. Busy, but it kept me active just the way I like it.

-It looks like things are back to normal. You were right. I shouldn't have worried.

-There was no need to worry. There was nothing you could have done

anyway. We had slow periods before, and everything turned out fine each time. By the way, Michael, you're here earlier than usual. Is there a reason for that?

-I was thinking of getting some breakfast. And also give you the option to leave for home sooner if you'd like that, of course.

-You can have some breakfast first. I'll double-check the in the meantime to make sure everything is in order. We'll see where we're at after that.

-Ok, Tim. Did anything interesting happen last night?

-I wouldn't describe it like that, but since you cared about it yesterday, I can inform you that the regulars are back.

-Wow. Things are getting back on track smoothly. Better said, they didn't even derail in the first place. Which of them graced you with their presence, Tim?

-All of them.

-What?

-Every last one of them. All the cream of the crop was here last night, Michael, parading their latest conquests in a grotesque display of accomplishment.

-Sounds like quite the party you had here, Tim!

-It was more a masquerade.

-Did any of them get on your nerves? You seem a bit irritated.

-No. I kept everything very civilised. And you should know by now that these sort of things never bother me. I fulfil the job requirements perfectly without allowing anyone to drag me into their farces.

-Wouldn't you say you do more than the job requires?

-Don't sugar coat it, Michael. Speak to the point. It's simpler and leaves no room for interpretations.

-I'm just saying, isn't what we do for them more than we should. How do you label the coverup we perform if not playing a part in this farce?

-I don't see it like that at all. You knew this was part of the job from the beginning. It's been going on for years. When I got hired here, Mr Johnson made it very clear that this aspect is essential. And I levelled with you from the start.

-You're right about that, Tim.

-I asked you if you have a problem with that and if you can handle it. And you replied that there would be no issues.

-And there aren't. I promise!

-I don't know if I can believe that, Michael. You seem to be envious of them, and you bottled up a lot of resentment too. Are you lumping me in with these guys? Because that would be very insulting to me!

-That thought never crossed my mind, Tim. I think very highly of you. I ed you said yesterday that this whole coverup thing irritates you.

-Very little. But I don't give it a second thought outside work. I feel that you misinterpreted what I said and treated this whole thing like some big secret.

-Well, it kind of is. I cannot talk about any of this stuff outside of work.

-You shouldn't want to or care enough about it to bring it up in conversations. I never told you to lie about what going on or pretend that this isn't happening here. Did I, Michael?

-You haven't said that Tim, but I assumed that was the case.

-That was all your interpretation. Everyone knows what's going on here. We live in a small, gossiping town. Don't become like that, Michael. Speak your mind as often as possible. Don't burden yourself with other people's secrets. It will occupy space in your head, and you will lose track of what's truly important.

-Ok, Tim. I understand. I'm sorry I brought it up.

-I'm not sure you do. No one cares if you talk about it. Knowing these assholes the way I do, they probably love being the talk of the town. I don't talk about it because I don't care about it. But I'm not afraid to speak my mind. If someone brings this up in conversation, I won't whisper cowardly.

-I saw you in action last night. Even though I never thought of you as a coward, your display was still impressive.

-I don't the last time I had to put a customer in his place like that. Be firm, be polite, keep it short and send them on their way. They're not your friends.

-I never considered them friends.

-Then why were you so disappointed?

-What do you mean?

-Only friends should be able to get you that upset. When they have something happen to them or when they fuck something up that should affect you. Because they're your friends and you care about them.

-I couldn't tell you a single moment of my life when I thought like that. But you're making sense, Tim.

-Stick around, kid! You still have a lot to learn.

-Does this mean that you won't fire me?

-That thought didn't cross my mind even once. I did contemplate about punching you in your dumb head!

-Yeah, maybe don't do that, asshole!

We have a bit of a laugh, putting this whole episode behind us. I could tell there's was tension in the air, but we managed to talk it out. Tim successfully showed me that honesty and openness are the best way to approach things. It takes balls to that, though, and I'm going to have to get mine back.

-Go to the kitchen and get something to eat. I'll take another look at the and make sure I leave everything organised for you.

-Ok, Tim.

Both of us head back inside. Tim goes right to the desk while I get into the personnel elevator and move to the kitchen. I can smell something tasty is being made even before the elevator doors open. I make my presence noticed the moment I step out.

-Good morning, everybody!

I never had any issues with the kitchen staff, and even though the formation changed from time to time, all of them have always been nice. I notice Mama staring menacingly at me, in a playful way, of course.

-Hey, Mama!

-Hey, Michael! What are you doing in my kitchen so early?

-Well, Mama, I'm here to steal some food. How do you like that?

-I think things might work out better for you if you ask politely. We wouldn't want that pretty face of yours getting smacked now, would we?

-I would rather avoid that, if possible. After all, it's my best feature. And by the way, it's the second time since I got here that someone wants to punch me in the face. I have a feeling it's not my day.

Mama starts laughing when she hears that. Everything I said was in a joking tone, so I enjoy seeing that reaction out of her. But very soon, curiosity gets the best of her, and she starts questioning me.

-Who was the first person who dared do that?

-Well, it was Tim, Mama.

-Oh, no, Michael. What did you do?

I can tell by how serious her tone got that nobody wants to be on Tim's radar. I am surprised, though, to see Mama so worried. She and Tim go way back, and I couldn't imagine them ever having any issues. Everyone in the kitchen that overhears us stops what they were doing and pay close attention. They all want to know if I managed to get myself in deep trouble with Tim. I am a bit surprised by their reaction. I never heard Tim mentioning having any problems with any of the hotel staff. But after last night, he made it clear that he doesn't leave any situation to turn into an issue. Tim handles all misunderstandings swiftly and firmly.

-It's nothing to worry about, Mama. I may have asked a few dumb questions, not a big deal.

-Are you sure about that?

-I'm very sure. I am here in one piece, am I not?

-That's true. The things that, with Tim, you know exactly where you stand immediately. He may appear demanding, but he's fair. And he's willing to give everyone a shot and see if they meet his expectations.

-I noticed that recently. At first glance, you would think Tim has too strict guidelines, but, just like you said, they're pretty fair and not that hard to follow.

-Yes, indeed. But if you knew all that, what could you have possibly screwed up?

-It was nothing major. I wasn't in any danger of losing my job or getting punched. I was exaggerating a bit, having a bit of fun.

-Ok, then. You had me worried for a second.

-We were philosophical, and I made some weird comparisons. Both of us were laughing at the end.

-That's good news. You know I always have your back, Michael, unless we're talking about Tim. In that case, may the gods have mercy on your soul!

-A bit too dramatic, Mama.

-I'm allowed to exaggerate also.

-Of course, you are. Let me ask you this. Did you and Tim ever have any disagreement?

-There were two times when I had issues in the kitchen with the staff. The first time I told him, he came back up with me, lined everybody up and explained how things work around here.

-Did he yell at them?

-Not even once. The problem was that Tim was talking to everybody, including me, and I didn't realise it. I thought that whenever I have difficulties, I'll just call him.

-Oh, no! Tim doesn't play that game!

-Don't worry, Michael. I soon found that out. The second time I went to him, he told me I need to get my shit together.

-Just like that?

-Using precisely those words.

-I don't know why I'm surprised. Tim doesn't give a fuck.

-No, he doesn't.

-What happened next?

-He said I must figure out a way to keep everyone in line and ensure that the kitchen performs at maximum potential. And I must figure it out soon because he won't do my job for me.

-It sounds like you were in quite the predicament, Mama.

-I will honestly tell you that I was worried about losing my job at that moment. However, Tim did give me some advice, and luckily for me, I understood it fast. Or maybe I was just fortunate enough to make the right call.

-I'm dying to hear what the advice was. Who knows, I may be able to use it too sometimes.

-You never know. Tim told me I need to realise that I'm in control of this kitchen and start acting like that. So far, I was only proving myself to them, over and over. I needed to stop that, or else they would never stop challenging me.

-What was your next more?

-I went back up and fired two of them on the spot.

-Wow! That seems so ruthless!

-I get that, Michael, and for a while, I thought so too. But it wasn't. In the long run, that was the right thing to do. For you see, those two not only weren't doing their jobs, but they were also distracting everyone else. Not one person in the kitchen was performing well.

-Right. You had those who cheated work and those who struggled to cover for them. In doing that, everybody failed to accomplish their assignments.

-Covering up for a bunch of little shits is never a good thing.

-You know something. I never heard you swear like this in all my time working here.

-I'm sorry, Michael. It's uncharacteristic of me, I know, but I got all stirred up.

-Don't worry, Mama. I like cussing a lot.

-I know you do. I hear the way you and Tim talk sometimes. But I don't

mind it. I just don't have a habit of using words like that unless I get worked up. Anyway, Michael, the bottom line is this. Don't take on other people's responsibilities. We all have to pull our weight. It's ok to be understanding if someone has a bad day, but that's about it.

-I'll add something to that, Mama. Doing a good job, whatever that is, can be fulfilling.

-That's very mature of you, Michael. You've grown over the years, and I like it.

-Thanks, Mama. And thanks for the food, it was delicious as always. But I must take my leave now. I want to see if Tim needs something before he leaves for home.

-Ok, baby. Sorry about yesterday.

-What happened yesterday?

-I tried to bring you some food, but I could find a way to sneak in.

-Don't worry about that at all. It was a crazy day, and by the end, I forgot I was even hungry. All I wanted was to go home and crash into my bed.

-I believe that. I was there myself many times.

-Anyway, thanks again, Mama, bye guys!

I kiss Mama on the cheek and wave everybody goodbye. I head back down to see if Tim finished up and wants to go home. It's the first time I had a conversation so deep with Mama. Even what we talked about yesterday wasn't that serious. Up to that point, we were mainly goofing around. But I guess if the situation requires it, some people aren't ashamed of talking openly. Maybe it's because they have nothing to be embarrassed about, or they accept the mistakes they've made as part of their growing process. Unlike them, I have many things I regret from my past and accepting that filled me with guilt and shame. It was hard for me to even think about those things without feeling disgusted, so speaking openly to the people I've wronged will prove a lot more challenging. But I will have to do it. If I don't address them now that I'm aware, I'll never be able to let go and move on.

I step outside of the elevator and look for Tim. I notice there's nobody at the desk, so I go out the front door. I have a feeling I'm going to find Tim basking in the sunlight.

-There you are! Are you enjoying the sun?

-No. I was moving the car out of the heat. I don't want to boil when I leave here.

-You should crack open some of the windows too.

-I already did that, Michael. How was your breakfast?

-It was great. I'm all energised and ready for work.

-That's good. I don't think you'll have that much to do today, though.

-Why's that? Aren't there a lot of people to be checked out?

-Not that I'm aware. And unless something unexpected happens, we shouldn't have and check-outs until Sunday.

-What about, you know, our friends from last night?

-They're all gone.

-Wow!

-Yeah. Most customers left by midnight, except for the doctor. He hanged around until about two in the morning.

-That's a first. A lot of them usually stay for breakfast and coffee. It's their chance to brag and talk mad shit about each other.

-It was a bit peculiar. I got a feeling as if the regulars all came here on a dare.

-Their rush is a bit unexplainable. Maybe they wanted to go home fast and pretend like they all have happy families.

-I don't care. Whatever keeps me busy is good. On a side note, it's good that it happened during my shift.

-Don't you think I could've handled it?

-Up until the conversation we had last evening, I never doubted you for a second. Now I'm not so sure. I'm not saying you can't do the job. All I'm saying is that you might've had an inappropriate reaction.

-Like what, Tim?

-Maybe after you saw how I deal with certain situations, you would've taken some liberties with customers you find displeasing. There is a chance you might've gone overboard.

-Don't worry about that, Tim. As long as I have this job, I will do it properly. I will not start acting rude or disrespectful in any way, all of a sudden. I understood what you said yesterday, and I will limit my interactions with all these people.

-Short and sweet, Michael, that. Now, there was something else I wanted you to do last night. Did you call Mary?

-I didn't get the chance to call her last night.

-Why not, Michael? Did you have something more important happening?

-My mom called me while I was on my way home, and we had a bit of a long chat.

-Is everything ok?

-Yes, we just haven't spoken in a while. I think mom's trying to plan a family dinner or something of that sort. She didn't mention anything, but she asked about my work and if some free time is available.

-That's great. If you need some time off, let me know, Michael.

-Thanks, Tim. And, of course, I'll notify you in advance so you can make the necessary adjustments.

-Ok. I predict you're going to have an easy day. Try to find something to do to avoid boredom. Don't stress yourself with pointless stuff. And on that note, I'll

be taking my leave.

-Slow down a bit, Tim. I have something else to tell you.

-What?

-I did talk to Mary this morning. I called her while I was having my coffee.

-How was it?

-I was a bit clumsy at first. Mary was also in a hurry to get to work, and I didn't want to mess her up and ruin her day. I did manage to say sorry for what it's worth and that I would like to explain myself if she gives me a chance.

-What was her reply?

-She's unsure if she can trust me again.

-That's understandable.

-True. Mary's going to let me know when we can find a better time to talk, maybe even have a sit-down.

-Well, that's not entirely bad news. If Mary agrees to meet you, that should give you a better shot at explaining things.

-I agree with that. I don't know if I should, but I can't help feeling hopeful.

-Understandable. But you should be aware that even if Mary does meet you, that doesn't mean she wants to get back together. She might not forgive you.

-Ok, Tim. Thanks for ruining my expectations.

-That wasn't my goal. I just don't want you to get your hopes too high. See how everything turns out, and let Mary set the pace. Make sure you don't pressure or rush her into making a decision. Just give Mary the facts, and she'll tell you what she thinks when the time comes.

-Sounds like a plan. I'll try to be on my best behaviour. I will honestly tell Mary what I was going through and accept whatever she decides, whether I like it or not.

-Sadly, it got to this, but you're going to be alright, Michael. I'm here if you need to talk. Don't let it pile up inside like before.

-I feel ok for now, Tim. I'm relaxed and calm. But if I get nervous or anxious when the time comes, I'll let you know. I promise.

-Ok. I believe you. And with that said, I'm going home, Michael.

-I'll see you tonight, Tim. Drive safe!

-Later, Michael. Take it easy!

Tim gets in his car and takes off while I'm heading back inside to take my position at the front desk. I look through the , and it does seem like it will be little to do today. I must not let boredom get to me. And I must avoid getting in my head too much. Maybe a slow day will be good for me. I'll try to use this and allow my brain to rest. It was a lot of overthinking and overanalysing in the last twenty-four hours. It's time I took a break from that. Maybe I'll be able to stop it altogether. Let's see if I manage to stay in the moment and not let my thoughts get out of control.

The customers start being active and, one by one, go through the lobby. I'm keeping my interaction short but polite. All I do is say good morning, maybe a wave or a nod of the head. I don't even pay attention if they answer back or not. After the conversations I had with Mary and my mom I know that these interactions shouldn't matter much. It would do me a world of good if I managed not to forget that.

Unless any of the customers engage in conversation or ask for directions, I stop after saying hello. There's no point in pretending I care anymore. Tim was right. Short and polite, and let everyone go on their merry way. Many people will through this hotel, and playing friendly with all of them becomes exhausting. Even engaging only with some of them can turn a bit obsessive and alter my state of mind. And it's never for the best. I can get trapped in their lives

and their lies instead of making sense of my own. I can't be sure right now how much progress I made, but I did have two good things happening in the last twenty-four hours. It could be even more without me realising just yet.

I must be reasonable and understand that not everything will turn out to my benefit. Tim said it best. Don't get my hopes too high, and keep my expectations realistic. That should prevent causing more trouble. I'm aware that it wouldn't be easy, especially with Mary, but I need to stop dragging everyone down. Most of the mistakes I've made should be fixable, and as long as I get a chance to explain myself, I'll try to be satisfied with that. It's a big hurdle in front of me that I must overcome, but I know I still have people in my life that are willing to help. I just have to let them. And in some cases, I have to find a way to get them back in my life. All I can do in that regard is stop pushing everyone away, and whoever cares enough to get back in will do so.

The day is ing by quite slowly, but I don't let that bother me. Unfortunately, I have no control over time. If I had, I would go back and change some of the decisions I made. Impossible. No point in letting that get to me and start worrying unnecessarily. On the plus side, it's a beautiful day outside. Every chance I get, I step out of the hotel and enjoy the sunlight. It's my way of meditating.

I check the clock in the lobby, and to my disappointment, it's barely noon. This day will indeed prove challenging, but I'm confident I can pull through. There is one test that could make or break me today. I haven't seen any of Mr Jones' group or him. As soon as the thought crosses my mind, there they are. All the elevator doors open up, and a dozen douchebags flood my lobby. Speak of the devil, I guess. But I will still be polite and use all the necessary pleasantries.

-Good afternoon!

All I get back are a couple of mumbles, just some half-assed replies. Something weird does happen, though. Mr Jones is eyeballing me, and for a brief moment, we have a staring contest. He's expecting me to start a conversation and ask about his day. I could break eye and pretend I'm checking the . I refuse to do that. I also will not engage in any conversation just to appease his ego. He surrounded himself with plenty of people willing to do that. I am not part of their world, nor will I ever be.

The whole group is heading towards the door and step outside. A few of them turn their heads and look at me, confused by what's going on. Mr Jones is the last one to walk out. For a split second, I'm under the impression that he wants to say something but stops himself. It would be beneath him to start a conversation with someone he sees so inferior. I can honestly say I don't care. Let him believe that. His opinion cannot affect me anymore. Instead, I will take this as a small win.

Everybody's gone now, and I'm alone in the lobby again. I don't feel any envy or bitterness towards Mr Jones or any of his crew. I do wonder what it must be like to get a head start in life like that. Would've had helped me at all? Or would I have made the same mistakes if not more prominent? Impossible questions to answer now. Maybe my personality and flawed character would've been the same despite a pampered life and all the riches in the world. There's no point in occupying my mind with thoughts like this. I have more important things I must solve, something I haven't addressed in years that now came back to haunt me. I am gravely affected by these issues, and I must find a resolution. I won't be able to move on with my life if I don't.

I'm counting the seconds ing by. I can't the last time I was this bored at work. Mary pops up in my thoughts over and over, and I keep replaying the conversation we had in my head. I want to text her badly, but I don't know if it will do me any good. I don't need her thinking that I'm too pushy. Maybe something short like it was nice hearing your voice wouldn't harm. No, that's weak. Besides, she knows that. I'm sure of it. Just as I'm sure that she's

thinking about the conversation we had, trying to figure out what to do, and I should leave this situation to unfold naturally and let Mary set up the pace. This whole thing probably stirred up many memories inside her, and I don't know if the good ones outweigh the bad. The only bad one I can think of would be right at the end, but that is the freshest and carries a massive impact.

Ok, so that's that. Let me focus on something else on the list. What if I visit my parents tonight? No harm can come from it. I'll call my mom after work to check if it's an appropriate time. They were up last night when I left the hotel, but I don't think they stay up that late all the time. I'll phone ahead to check their disposition. If it's not possible tonight, maybe we could set something up for later this week. Many people will check out Sunday at noon, which will keep me busy for a few hours. I can ask Tim if he's willing to show up at around five or six to take over the rest of my shift. I'll talk to him about it tomorrow morning after I call my mom and know more.

My plans are looking good. I expect that they won't go perfectly, considering some moving parts are out of my control, but I will adapt to them. In the meantime, I'll take a walk through the hotel. I haven't been to the upper floors today. I could go and have a look around, pretending to check if everything is in order. There's absolutely no reason it shouldn't be since the cleaning personnel was here in the morning. Also, it was during Tim's watch, so they were extra careful to leave everything spotless. But a stroll through the hotel should take up an hour of my time and might be just what I need to break my routine. I wonder who's at the bar? If my math is correct, it should be James, and he's more than capable of keeping an eye out. He's the guy who takes over for Tim and me when we have to go on vacation.

The bar has a strange position inside the hotel, and its access points made zero sense to me initially. It faces the back parking lot, which is also the easiest way to access it. The lobby appears so spacious that it creates the illusion that another vast room couldn't possibly fit on the ground floor. If you walk to the end of the hallway, past the elevators and restroom, you will notice that there's a

right turn there. It leads to a door that connects the lobby and the bar. That will be my access point. Surprisingly few people know about this door. I've met staff working here for years that had no idea that the corridor even makes a right, let alone that there's a door after.

The most awkward of all is a completely out of place elevator placed on the hotel's west corner. It opens up inside the bar, and it's for customers only. But it's hard to believe that most of them could find it unless we told them where to look. The regular customers are aware of this particular setup. Everything about the bar screams secrecy. Who knows how many dodgy deals these people did here between smoke and alcohol. The more I think about this ensemble, the more it seems the hotel got built as a getaway for bigshots. I can't say I hate that. Whether I like it or not, it adds a bit of mystique.

I completed walking this long hallway, and I'm in front of the door that connects us. I go through it and enter an empty bar. I look around in search of James. I notice him standing behind the bar staring at his phone. He seems bored out of his mind.

-Hey, James! What's up?

-Mickey! Come on in! What can I get you? A beer? A shot? Both?

-Nothing, man. I'm on duty.

-I won't tell if you won't.

James is only messing around. He knows nobody's allowed to drink at work. It's the one thing Tim made crystal clear to everyone that it would be unforgivable.

-Where is everybody?

-The days are kind of slow lately. I hope it will pick up in the evening. How are things at your end?

-Same. I'm staring at the clock, counting the seconds. I want to do a sweep through the hotel. Could you watch the front desk for some time?

-Of course. Maybe I'll get to see people. I hate times like this. Maybe Tim listens to me and changes the schedule in this place.

-You don't like the hours anymore?

-It's not that. I'm the only bartender left. I had an idea for a change, and I ran it by Tim last night. We need to change something soon. It's my third day of a double shift. Soon, I'll be sleeping on my feet!

-Wait! What happened to the other guy? I didn't get a chance to come to talk to you in the last couple of days. Back up a bit and fill me in.

-You had the busiest shift out of all of us so far this week. I couldn't even make my way to you yesterday. I wanted to run my idea past you, but there were

too many people in the lobby. I thought Tim filled you in, though. He probably had a lot on his plate.

-Get to it, James!

-Oh yeah. The other guy used to sample the goods. That's why I was joking about you wanting a drink. I figured you heard about what happened.

-Wasn't he new here? I haven't even learned his name.

-Man, fuck his name! Tim told him that it's ok if he makes a few mistakes initially, except that one. I thought he smelled of liquor once, but it's hard to tell when I'm surrounded by alcohol vapours all the time. So I confronted him about it.

-He denied it.

-Of course. I couldn't go to Tim without being sure. Also, I didn't want the kid to lose his job because of me. So I was a bit puzzled.

-I get it, James. It's a rough spot to be.

-Luckily, the kid made it easy for all of us. It turns out he's a morning boozer. And he got caught red-handed.

-By Tim?

-Yep.

-Oh, fuck! I wish I were there to see it.

-You would've been disappointed, Michael. Just like you, I was sure I'd see blood and guts everywhere. But, no, Tim was very calm. On the outside, at least.

-Tim's good at keeping his shit together. But how did the kid got made?

-I just finished my night shift. And we make the switch earlier than you guys at the desk to avoid any confusion. Also, we get some customers who enjoy having their seven AM coffee at the bar and watch the news, so we make the switch about half an hour before that.

-Right. I didn't understand why Tim wanted to do two weeks of the night shift, but I guess it was to keep an eye on the kid.

-Probably. The kid was on time every single time. That I can attest to, no problem, in this particular morning, I decided to go through the lobby and walk out the front door. I stopped and chatted with Tim for a couple of minutes. And then Tim said he wanted some cold water, and we both walked back to the bar.

-I think the kid was waiting for a few minutes before drinking to make sure you left. But this time, it backfired big time.

-I agree with you. The kid still had his lips on the glass when Tim and I walked through the door. It was impossible even to try and deny.

-What did Tim say?

-Get your shit and get the fuck out!

-As Tim likes to say, short and sweet!

-Exactly. And then Tim told me I must work another shift.

-It sounds like you got fucked the worst!

-You can say that again! But at least I didn't have any issues with Tim. I told him if the kid would've been clumsy and broke stuff, I could've had suspicions. But the kid was a good bartender.

-Do you think Tim was a bit harsh?

-After knowing him for so long, not at all. He thinks drunks are not reliable,

and he's right.

-It's hard to argue with that. But maybe Tim could've found a leeway or shown some pity to the kid.

-What are you talking about, Michael? You know Tim doesn't do that.

-I know, and it's probably why everything around here operates so smoothly, but he could've just scared the kid.

-I shouldn't contradict you. I did try to suggest that. Tim told me that pity is the most useless emotion a human being could feel or show.

-He's a tough guy. But enough about that, it's done now. What was this great idea you had, James?

-I suggested we keep the bar open from six PM until two or three in the morning, whenever exciting people decide to leave.

-Excellent way of phrasing it. Do you think that's possible?

-We get maybe two customers lately who want to have coffee here in the morning. It's the same coffee you get from room service, and everybody has a TV in their room. So, fuck them! I can manage easily one shift here for as long as it takes. It can stay like this indefinitely or until Tim decides to hire one more

person.

-That's a great idea. Well done, James! What did Tim say?

-He'll take it into considerations. I do believe that he liked it, though. He said he would have a reply for me when we speak tonight, at some point when we both get some free time.

-Maybe he told you this because he must talk with Mr Johnson first?

-Of course not!

-Don't you think he has to consult with the owner of this hotel?

-No. Tim doesn't ask for advice when it comes to running this place. It's the other way around every single time!

-You seem very sure.

-I'm one hundred per cent positive about this, Michael. I just realised something these past few days. I mean, it's fair to assume that most of us had those complex yet fascinating conversations with Tim, right?

-I can tell you I had them, and Mama too. And based on what you told me so far, I suppose you had them also.

-Yes. I think we all saw different sides of Tim only because he's very adaptable to every situation. And very smart. Sure, at the core, he's the same to everyone. He's brutally honest, highly determined, and overall, no one wants to mess with Tim.

-That is the perfect description. The type of guy you think you want as a friend also tells you all the stuff that’s difficult to hear.

-Very accurate. But listen to this, and understand it well, Michael. Tim is the supreme ruler of this place.

-I was pretty aware that he's the one running this place, but I never thought that far.

-I went a bit extreme with my example, but you got the point. I'm ok with it, by the way. I find getting along with Tim very easy.

-It's not always easy to accept the truth, but it's best when everybody gives it to you in the long run.

-Aha. I like knowing where I stand with people immediately. I could be a bit more honest and direct myself, but it's not easy when surrounded by so many drunks. I kind of have to play along. Or maybe I pick the more comfortable route.

-Don't be so hard on yourself, James. Some of the drunks you interact with are influential people. Pretending to listen to them all the time can become tedious and annoying, but sometimes it's the only choice.

-I enjoy working amongst drunk people, especially here. There's no danger of a bar fight ever happening, which is pretty much the only thing that could ruin my night. I get to listen to a lot of stories. Not all of them are fascinating, but almost all of them are fun. I'm like their therapist and best friend combined. And I love it.

-It looks like it. But have you ever questioned the truth of what your drunks are saying?

-I don't give a fuck about that, Michael! They can bullshit all they want. I get free entertainment, great tips, and everybody's acting delightful to me.

-Really? I think I'm in the wrong line of work then. But how can you keep everything running so smoothly?

-I don't have to do much. Paranoia does most of the work for me.

-Now I'm even more confused.

-Everyone has a hint of paranoia. The wealthier and more influential you are, the more you have it. You don't want to mess with the one person who brings you your food and drinks. People already worry about it in the back of their minds, so why take any chances?

-That's so fucking awesome! Rich people paranoia saves you always. I guess they're worried they might have too many enemies trying to get them.

-Also, for someone of their stature, picking on the bartender would look weak and pathetic.

-Picking on someone lower than you is truly weak and pathetic. But I doubt that would be beneath some of these clients.

-Maybe. But with me, it was always the opposite. My clients play the who can tip the highest game every time, which works wonders for me.

-You make this job sound very appealing!

-Why don't you give it a try, Michael? There is an opening.

-I was just saying. I like the job I have, but maybe I should think about it since both positions are very similar.

-They only seem similar, but it's a different type of interaction.

-What do you mean?

-No matter what day they had, when someone walks into a bar, the goal is to relax and unwind. The mood turns positive, very fast, and everybody has a good time. It was the same in all the ts I've worked in, from the dodgiest, creepiest taverns to the high-end establishments. I hate working at the front desk. You're lucky I like you guys, or else I would never agree to cover for you.

-What's the big difference? They're the same people, and it's the same small talk.

-When they show up at the front desk, most of the time, they're dirty and tired and just want a room. Nobody wants to talk to you. But you got to ask what

type of place they want, for how long, do they have an ID and money, and all that nonsense. Then they start asking all sorts of stuff and telling you about their preferences as if you give a fuck. Half an hour later, everybody's irritated and annoyed with each other. And the more customers you get, the more you go crazy. I swear there were moments when I wanted to run somebody over with my car.

-Believe me, James, I know the feeling. But somehow, mumbling drunks sound even less appealing. Or maybe both of us got used to what we did for longer.

-Could be. What I'm sure of is I'm never letting any of you guys ever run the bar.

-What's that supposed to mean? We don't do bartending shifts.

-Didn't Tim tell you?

-Tell me what, James?

-I had some personal issues to resolve, so I asked Tim to watch the bar for a few hours.

-Don't tell me he couldn't handle it.

-Tim can handle anything! That wasn't the problem.

-Then what happened?

-When I get back, the situation was tense. Tim has zero patience when it comes to listening to bullshit.

-Of course. But that's just how Tim is. You seem surprised.

-I didn't know this at the time. I figured we all do small talk, so what's the worst that can happen. But I realised then that we don't have the same type of interactions with customers.

-Do you know what went down?

-Not really. Nobody ever addressed it, and I never asked any questions about it. All I can tell you is what I did witness.

-Which is?

-As I was walking in, I heard Tim saying to one of the customers to stop talking to him. He has no interest in listening to his stories, nor does he care about his issues.

-Tim hates wasting time with people he doesn't care about. Do you know who the customer was?

-I couldn't tell you. Nobody talked about it, and I never dared to ask around. If I think about it, Tim might have been talking to the whole group.

-I wouldn't put it past him. But I have to it I like his honesty, and I ire how straightforward he is.

-Sure. Great qualities to have if you can pull it off. It took me about a week to get the mood back to normal. That was one of the most counterproductive times I ever had since I've been here.

-Maybe, but you got a great story out of it. And you saw how Tim does things.

-I guess there were a few valuable lessons to be learned.

-I'm not saying I want to change my spot in the hotel, but if I did, I would never do something like that.

-No one would have the audacity to do anything like that, except for Tim.

-Did you talk with Tim about what happened?

-No. It never interfered with the way things work around here. Besides, I have a great relationship with Tim, and I didn't want to tamper with it. The situation never turned into an issue, so I just let it go.

-Probably for the better. You dealt with the aftermath flawlessly and proved to Tim that he could trust you.

-Tim's not that bad. You can afford a few slipups and find ways to get back in his graces. You know what you did wrong from Tim fast, and he tells you how to fix it. You only have to pay attention and don't slack on the job.

-If you say so, James. I have no counter-arguments for that anyway. But it was sure nice talking to you. I should head up and see that everything is in order.

-Why don't you take this elevator?

-I thought it was supposed to be for bar customers only.

-It sort of is, but I'm allowed to use it. I don't see why it would be an issue if you take it. Also, no one used it in a few hours. Go for it!

-Ok, James. Call if an emergency appears, or if you get bored, and I'll rush back down.

-Take all the time you need, Michael. I doubt something entertaining will happen today. We've chatted for a while, so I'll go to the front desk and keep an eye out for a bit.

-Thanks, James. Talk to you soon.

I get in this elevator and immediately notice a different vibe. The inside is more luxurious than all the others. I feel like I don't belong here. This whole side of the hotel looks designed to make rich people feel at home. But I guess it serves my purpose for now. And it's a gentle reminder that I should stay in my lane. Extravagance is not for me, and it's not because I wouldn't want it. It's unreachable. I grew up without it, thinking I hate it but secretly craving it. I know there are simpler pleasures in life. I just have to rediscover them.

I have to shake these thoughts out of my head. No benefit can come from them, and I don't want to get depressed. I'll never achieve that status, obviously, and I have to make peace with that. I'll be happy if I get the people I love back in my life. I'm sure this goal is within my grasp. I do wish, though, that I could see an uncomplicated path. I have lost the ability to work hard for something. I'm slightly immature in that regard. I still expect wishes to come true without lifting a finger. People can't read minds, so I'll never know where we stand unless I speak up. I will try to make this my top priority right now. I'm terrified that things won't turn out as I want, but I have to move forward. At least I'll know where I stand with everybody, and I'll take it from there.

I step outside the elevator and go to the balcony. I had no intention of doing this, but my feet just took me here. The view from the top floor is superb. I haven't been here in so long that I forgot how much I enjoy it. I find it very relaxing. I can stay here for a while and clear my head. I have no emergencies to attend to, and I doubt that I'll find anything out of order throughout the hotel. I'll try to push the worries out of my head since they're useless. I can only control my actions, and I will carry out my plan of reconnecting with my family and

other loved ones. Even though Tim said I shouldn't feel too hopeful, I can't help it. I have to find some understanding from them. Also, if sorry won't be enough to fix my mistakes, I should be given a second chance. Maybe a fresh start in some cases.

I go back inside and start walking through the hallways. I'm not paying that much attention at first, but that soon changes. Since I'm so confident that I like this job and belong here, maybe I should get more accustomed to this hotel's ins and outs. It seems everybody working here has found a way to deal with the stress and the irritating customers except me. I must relearn some things. I'll start with the physical side of things and work my way up. But first, let me make sure that I enjoy being here.

I take the stairs down and through every floor. I struggle a bit to pay attention to details since everything is so similar. All the levels look the same except for the numbers on the doors. Halfway through, I get even more bored with the repetitiveness, but I managed to stretch my legs. Overall it was a good workout, and I successfully emptied the thoughts in my head. Once I get to the ground floor, I feel relaxed. I know the lobby by heart, and this sense of familiarity makes me feel at home.

I don't see James anywhere, so I head to the bar to let him know I'm back. As I walk in, I notice he has a handful of customers. He heard me opening the door and glances in my direction. I give him the thumbs up to let him know I'm back, and he informs me that there were no issues. I turn around and post myself at the front desk. I was hoping that more time would've ed, but I'll take what I can get. In the evening, things should turn more animated, and that part of the day will go by quicker.

I'm not usually this agitated, but I cannot wait for this day to end. I'm going to call my mom when I get out of here and check if I can go over for a short visit. I would like to talk to my parents about a bunch of things, so many I don't

know where to begin. The best first step I could take is to get closer to them. I would love it if we became a family again, or better said, if I could feel like I'm part of it. I know they all stayed in touch and that they're still very close. I want to experience that one more time before I die. That thought got a bit extreme suddenly. I better stop and calm down unless I desire this train of thoughts to derail into darkness. Everything is fine. I am in control of my actions.

5 PM, and still, the action hasn't picked up. I need to interact with another human being soon. I fear I was left alone in my head for too long today. I'm aware this may not be healthy and could have undesired effects. Luckily, I can create an interaction with one of the staff . I jump out of my chair and run to the elevator. I could eat something, so why not go to the kitchen? I'll get some food and a pleasant conversation.

Just a few minutes later, I enter the kitchen. I look around, but I can't see Mama anywhere. Everybody here seems rather busy, but now that I think about it, it makes sense. All the customers stood couped up in their rooms and ordered room service. Mama and her staff were the busiest. She's probably making a few runs as we speak.

-Hey, Michael!

Mama's right-hand man is the person that addressed me. Mama speaks very highly of him and deems him indispensable. I like this guy. However, I forgot his name. I'm ashamed of this, but it would be even more embarrassing if I asked.

-Hi. You guys look very busy.

-We are a bit, but it's nothing we can't handle.

-I wouldn't dream of doubting you guys. So, where's Mama?

-She wanted to stretch her legs, so she went to drop a few orders herself. She didn't go that far, only to the third floor.

-That's barely a few steps. Mama wouldn't even feel that.

-I think she was more interested in some customers.

I immediately think of Mr Jones and his group of assholes. Does everyone know what happened? I spoke with Mama and Tim about it, but I didn't expect them to tell anyone. I didn't think that they would talk to each other about it. Did my name came up in conversation, and they pieced everything together? Maybe they were talking about how weak I am or how unfit I am for this job. What if they told everyone else, and now I'm the laughing stock of the hotel? No! That would never happen! I have to take thoughts like this out of my head. Talking behind someone's back sounds more like something I would do. Mama and Tim aren't that way. I need to stop thinking everybody's out to get me.

-Does she have any friends on the third floor?

-No, nothing of that sort. Mama said there are a few more pretentious customers there and would like to take a closer look.

-That's not like Mama at all. She doesn't usually show that type of interest.

-Who knows what's gotten into her today. Maybe she picked up some new hobby.

-I guess we all need a change of pace from time to time.

-I don't know, Michael. I don't think about stuff like this. All I know is to follow the chain of command.

-Keep everything simple. Am I right?

- It has worked very well for me so far. I hated working in places where everyone overcomplicates everything.

-Just do what you're supposed to do and shut the fuck up. Am I right?

-I can get behind that. We all should carry our weight.

-Well said. Do you not believe that we should help each other?

-Outside work, if we're friends, sure, why not. Everywhere I worked, the people who needed help were incapable of doing their jobs. I have no desire to

ever work in a place like that again.

-It sounds unpleasant, but I agree. Some people are more valuable than others, though, and it's ok if you make an exception for those.

-After everyone proved how hard working they actually are, I'm willing to do that also.

-That's fair.

-Are you hungry, Michael?

-I haven't eaten since morning, but I don't know. Today was so dull that all my senses went numb. I guess I should eat something.

-Let me get you a bowl of soup. It's freshly made, and that should open your appetite.

-Sure. We'll take it from there afterwards. Thanks, man.

-No problem.

He steps away to the cooking area to bring the food, and I sit at one of the tables.

I don't know what to make of this guy. I believe he's a nice guy, and I like him, but he seems a bit too simple. I've never had such an extended conversation with him before, and he comes across as a bit dumb. He was always nothing but pleasant to me, and now I'm trash-talking him.

I'm annoyed with the fact that he doesn't dissect every little thing until he goes crazy. He's not the type of person to obsess over meaningless shit. I'm probably more upset with myself for doing that. I got so obsessed with the wrong stuff that I almost fell apart in one day. Who am I to judge? Just because I have uncontrollable thoughts spinning in my head doesn't mean I'm smart. It all points to emotional instability. Maybe it wouldn't hurt if I dumb it down a bit too. I should simplify everything. The way people act that's the way they are. And I'm the best example. I behaved so weakly over the years because I am. He's back with a big bowl of soup and places it in front of me. I wish I could his name.

-Here you go, Michael.

-Thanks!

-Let me know if you need anything else.

He turns and goes back to the cooking area. I see him talking to the rest of the staff, probably about what's left to do for the evening. Their shift will be over soon, and I'm surprised that Mama isn't back yet. I hope she didn't get in any trouble. It's not like Mama to argue with customers, though. She's probably just nosing around a bit. I doubt anybody would dare be rude to her. I'm probably making a big deal out of nothing. I feel sort of uneasy being here in her absence. I'm friendly enough with her staff, but I feel like strangers surround me.

I peek at them and realise that I don't know most of their names. I'm sure Mama introduced us at some point, but I just didn't pay attention. I could say there are too many of them to , but that would be a lie. I memorised the names of all the people that were disrespectful to me and can recall each one. Too much nonsense occupies the space in my head!

I cautiously observe the kitchen staff and keep getting the impression that they're talking about me. From time to time, I catch someone looking my way. I don't know why I think they're gossiping about me. It doesn't make any sense. I'm not important enough for them to do that. Maybe they do dislike me. I keep coming here to eat like I own the place. All the hotel staff is allowed to eat here, but perhaps I seemed cocky at times.

Why do I do this? Is it easier for me to believe that nobody likes me? That can't even be true. Why do I care? I don't consider any of these people friends. I have no allegiance to them. We all do the work as best we can and then go home. I can't let my thoughts get out of control like this. I must remain focused on what's important. After I do that, maybe I'll try to get to know everyone better. This job can become more pleasant if I like my coworkers.

I grab the empty bowl and walk towards them to return it. The soup was good. I don't feel more of an appetite, though. At least I had this much to eat, and it should last me until I get home. The same guy breaks from the group to meet me.

-Thanks for the soup! It was delicious!

-You're welcome, Michael. Would you like anything else?

-No, I'm good. I'm surprised I was able to eat. I still couldn't tell if I was hungry.

-The lack of activity can do that to you. If the evening gets busier, at least you have some fuel to burn.

-That's true. I'm sure by the time I finish work I'll be very grateful for this soup. Thanks again for the hospitality. You guys have a great evening!

-Thanks, Michael. You take care. And get home safe!

We shake hands, and I take my leave. I get in the elevator and head back down to my desk. I can't stop thinking I should've asked their names. At least for the guy that brought me dinner. All I had to do is come clean and apologise for being forgetful. It wouldn't have been such a big deal. I promise I'll make it up. I'll get to know him better and the rest of the hotel staff.

I'm back at my desk and just in time. All the customers have decided that they stayed cooped up inside the hotel for too long. The elevators are going up and down frantically. Everybody's very well dressed, and they seem excited to go out. I forgot that the weekend officially started. People are just looking for a good time, trying to relax, and perhaps, forget about a bad week. That last part was mainly for me. I wouldn't mind wiping a few days from my memory completely.

I will try to make some plans of my own this weekend. I'll see what my

mom says and maybe try to do something sweet for my parents. I have no idea where to start with that. It's been a long time since I was kind to my mom and dad or any other family member. I will need to ask for advice to figure that out. Tim might not be the best option in this regard. Mama should probably have a better suggestion. I can talk with both of them, so I'll do that and see what comes out of this brainstorming.

Why don't I take Mary out to a movie? Well, she may not want to, but I would sure like that. She could consider my invitation inappropriate. I struggle with having to wait for her call. It will take every ounce of strength I have not to her before she does. Patience was never one of my virtues. I'll see how things go with my mom, and if we don't make plans for Sunday, I'll risk ing Mary. She and my parents are on my mind a lot lately. Keeping calm with these thoughts in my head proves to be extremely challenging.

I'm trying to get my mind off all this by observing the customers. I attempt to guess where everyone is going and create fun scenarios in my head. I put myself in their shoes and pretend I'm going out with my friends. Another thing I haven't done in years. I hate the way my brain works. Why does it continually remind me of something I haven't done right? They're in the past now and cannot be changed. I have many regrets, but agonising over them won't help at all. I must focus on fixing the relationships I still have. It couldn't hurt if I try to retie some of the old friendships. I have lost touch with some people I held very dear.

I need a distraction to snap me back to reality. I'm considering engaging the customers more, but I don't want to give them much importance. I shouldn't get sidetracked and switch my focus towards people that don't matter. It's hard enough as it is to stay in control without getting annoyed by customers. Considering there are many of them around right now, there's a significant probability a few will get on my nerves.

Hello, and how are you this evening is more than enough. To be honest, it's

more than some of the customers deserve. But I still have to play the part of the polite receptionist, so I'll do that. I won't give these assholes any reason to complain about my behaviour. Today will , and I'll be ok. I must listen to Tim's advice. Don't do anything to mess up my disposition just because I'm bored. Instead of overthinking, I need to figure out a way to clear my head. There has to be something I can do to make my mind go blank. If I could develop a simple little thing that I might use as a meditation, I should be safe.

I enjoy the sound of steps on the hard floor. It's something you don't hear every day, but it's no different than someone relishing the sound of rain. So, how can I use this to my advantage? I don't think I can just sit and listen. I need to concentrate on this action in a way that takes over all the random thoughts. Why don't I try to count everyone's steps? It should require just enough focus to keep other ideas at bay while I'm able to operate without appearing distracted. It sounds ridiculous and stupid, but maybe that's why it will work. Besides, I'm not as bright as I liked to believe, so why not try a dumb plan? Here goes nothing!

For the most part, this method turned out to be very useful. I did have to reset the count a few times early on until I got the hang of it. Unfortunately, I can only use this when there are a lot of customers running around. Typically, this shouldn't be the monotonous part of the day. Maybe what I'm feeling isn't boredom at all. I'm sick and tired of wasting so much attention on a bunch of strangers. I'm angry and disappointed that I allow them to occupy so much space inside my head. Some of them ed through here a long time ago, and I still their smug faces. I wish I didn't have those types of memories. I must not let any more strangers get to me like this.

I can tell the effect of the little trick I was doing is wearing off. My thoughts got loose again. I'm calmer than before, though, so I don't feel like I'm losing control. I did manage to kill a few hours, and it's not long until Tim arrives and takes over. Once the lobby got quiet again, many ideas and memories started mixing in my head. I realise that I have no control over what memory pops up, but maybe something positive can come of it.

The hotel lobby gets quieter and quieter until it becomes dead silent. Unpleasant thoughts start creeping out of the corners of my mind. I get the impression that ghosts are floating in the air around me, and an eerie feeling takes over. I was doing well up to this point, and I can't make any sense why this is happening. Could it be that tiredness has weakened me, and I can't maintain control anymore? Maybe I was a fool to think that I'm strong enough to overcome this condition. I must keep thoughts like this out of my head. I can't seem to focus my mind on anything! There's not a single noise around me to provide some sort of distraction. Speaking to a real person would come in handy right about now. It will help ground me to reality and hopefully stop the voices from becoming alive again. I'm getting paranoid, and it's what I fear could break me. But who could be available for a chat at this time? The kitchen is closed by now, and in this panicked state of mind, I can't think of a person that would be available.

I had a pleasant conversation with James earlier, so I rush towards him without a second thought. I cover the distance between the two areas in no time and swiftly open the door. The force with which I open the door causes the air to make a windy sound. A lot of eyes turn and stare at me. I was hoping James would be alone, but there's not an empty seat in the bar. All of the regulars are here, and they have dates with them too. Why didn't they come through the front door and booked rooms from me? They're going to do that eventually. They didn't come here just to socialise. Everyone knows that everyone knows what's happening. Do all of these people dislike me? Maybe, but I bet most of them don't even know my name. They don't care enough to despise me. They're only annoyed cause I interrupted their evening. I feel the judgemental looks everyone gives me as if to say how dares this nobody to disrupt our good time. I start to believe that the disgust I felt towards them has always been mutual. Visceral hate begins to brew inside me. I want to scream at them and say, what the fuck are you looking at? But I can't muster up that much courage. I would like to know what would happen if I did that, but I'll probably never find out.

Realising this, I slowly calm down. Besides, this wasn't why I came here. I

only needed to talk to James, but that's out of the question now. He looks at me like I'm some sort of man. He has no choice, though. He must walk over to me and investigate. He gets close enough to whisper since he doesn't want to draw unnecessary attention.

-What's wrong, Michael?

-Nothing. Everything's fine!

-You don't look fine, Michael. Did you get into any sort of trouble? Do you feel sick?

-I have a strange headache, and I just realised I didn't have any water all day. I think I'm dehydrated.

-For fuck sake, Michael! Don't scare me like this!

-Sorry, James. I didn't expect you to have so many customers.

-Don't worry about them. I'll handle it. Wait here. I'm going to get you some water.

James turns and heads towards one of the fridges. I keep my head down and just stare at the ground. I'd like to look around the bar and see what everyone is doing, but I don't dare raise my eyes. James comes back with two cold water

bottles and hands them to me.

-Here you go, Michael!

-Thanks, James.

-You know you can come in here anytime, right?

-I know that. It just slipped my mind, and I couldn't tell you how that happened. The lack of activity probably messed up my entire routine.

-I guess it was one of those days. I must get back to work, Michael.

-Of course. I'll leave you to it. Thanks again, James.

I take my water and get out of there. I imagine everyone in the bar laughing at my expense from the moment I left. I feel lightheaded, and I start to get dizzy. I lean on the wall and drink a whole water bottle. The cold liquid refreshes me, and maybe I was dehydrated. I cannot say that I fully recovered, but at least the ground stopped spinning.

I made it back to my desk, but I'm not staying. I need to get out of the lobby immediately. It's almost like I'm scared to be by myself in this area. I did this job for a few years, and I never imagined something like this could happen. I understand somehow the restless nights I have at home when I can't sleep, but

this is getting insane. I rush outside and step away from the hotel.

I close my eyes and breathe deeply. I do that until my heart stops racing and I feel calm enough to think. I hear an electric buzzing coming from the lights outside. The crickets are making noise in the grass. I'm sufficiently composed to try to figure out what's going on. I slowly walk back but don't go inside. I stop a few steps from the glass door and stare through it. It's almost like I want to make sure that there's no one looking back at me. The lobby is empty, and it doesn't look menacing at all from here. I notice the second water bottle sitting on the front desk. I have no idea how it got there. I don't recall letting it out of my hand.

I have to get it, so I walk back inside without giving it a second thought. Everything is back to normal, and I feel all right. I don't know how to explain this recent collapse. I'm not exhausted and don't believe dehydration played a part in this. I haven't measured all the fluids I had today, but I'm sure it was more than enough to keep me hydrated. And definitely, I shouldn't have gotten so severe to hallucinate. Stuff like this happened to me during sleepless nights before, but I didn't pay much attention to it until two nights ago.

What's the connection between these two locations? It's me, but I feel there's more to it than that. It has to be my inability to keep my thoughts under control. Lately, when I lay my head on the pillow, if I don't fall asleep immediately, I'm entertained only by dark, violent thoughts and bad memories. I shouldn't say lately. The farther back I look, I recognise this behaviour ever since I was a teenager. How exactly did it spill from night into daytime? I can't understand. I can only assume it was a slow build-up that went unnoticeable until right now.

There is a pattern to how my brain works. I do have a few nasty thoughts every day at work too. Most of the time, they're aimed at the customers, and the feeling behind them isn't the same. When I'm home alone in the dark, there's a lot of self-loathing. I start to think that all the violent thoughts I have are about

me. Almost like I want to punish myself for all the mistakes I've made. Or maybe I feel I deserve to be hurt, so why not do it myself?

I guess the nightmares I relive over and over at home started following me at work. I now believe that whatever I'm experiencing got very serious. I should maybe tell someone before I lose it entirely or even look for professional help. But in this small town, there's no discretion. Everyone will find out. Most people already probably dislike me, and rightly so. The sad part is that I hate myself more than they ever will. So, I won't give them the satisfaction to see me broken. I'm going to keep my mouth shut and face this on my own, even if it kills me. I was confident this morning that I can pull through, and I won't let a small bump discourage me.

I take a seat at the desk and lean back. All the fear is gone, and I've completely calmed down. I'm not sure how I managed to do it. Is it because I'm confident I can change my condition or because I owe it to myself to keep fighting? Tim will be here any minute now, and maybe this also plays a factor in my serenity. He's the one person who can see if something's wrong and can fire me if he dims me incompetent. After the last exchanges we had, I doubt I'll be able to hide anything from him. If he gets a vibe that something might be off about me, he's going to call me out on it, and I won't be able to lie to him. Not anymore. He'll see right through that. So, by the time Tim gets here, I'd better be functional. I've convinced myself that everything is ok, but I must also be able to show it.

I'll find out soon enough because Tim just walked through the door. I get up and step towards him to shake his hand. He appears pissed off about something. I don't think I've ever seen him coming to work in a bad mood. Things just got very interesting.

-Good evening, Tim, and welcome to our humble establishment.

-Hi, Michael. How was work today?

-It was boring. I haven't rented a single room all day.

-It's probably going to be like this throughout the weekend. At least I see you had a productive evening.

-No. You're the first person I see in a while. There was no productivity on my part today.

-I saw the bar packed and with the right customers. They even took my parking spot, those little shits.

-Is that why you're in a bad mood? Well, Tim, I'm shocked you didn't set the cars on fire to teach everyone a lesson.

-That would have been a slight overreaction, Michael. I it it did irritate me a bit, but there's plenty of parking spaces. I can't go crazy on them over something so insignificant. Wait a minute! Are you saying that they went straight to the bar without checking in?

-Yep. I didn't know they were there until about an hour ago. I went to get some water and saw the bar full.

-They should've notified you that they're here. That wasn't very nice!

-I thought we agreed that they aren't decent people. It's ok, Tim. Maybe they dislike me as much as I despise them so, not interacting might be in everyone's best interest.

-That's not the point, Michael. Everyone has to do their part. I pay close attention to how the personnel here does its job, and as you know, I don't allow many slip-ups. But that doesn't mean I'm going to let customers do as they want and make everyone's job harder than it already is. The bar is for customers only, and they shouldn't even be allowed inside unless they check in.

-It's ok, Tim. If they prefer working with you, I'm not bothered by it. Maybe that's better for everyone.

-I like things to be done the right way. Since we all have to put up with these customers, it's only fair that we all profit.

-I get the point you're making, Tim, but this is not a big deal. You think what they did is disrespectful towards me, maybe even insulting, but I would ask that you don't do anything about it. I know you're defensive, and I'm grateful that you have my back, but this is not worth causing a scene.

-Look at you, Michael, being all mature about this. I thought you hated them.

-I do, but they are part of this ecosystem, and I must learn to live with it. No matter what these customers do, I can always find something that's bothering me. But I'm starting to think that's childish, and I need to grow and deal with the whole situation better.

-I will hold you to your words, Michael. I have to it that I am impressed with your attitude. I did almost lost for a bit, but luckily, I can listen to reason. I'm surprised that you held it together so well, Michael.

-Maybe I understood what's important, and I got tired of letting small bickerings distract me.

-Congratulations! Not to blow my own horn, but I'd like to think that our conversation had some small impact on this improvement.

-Of course. I was paying close attention to what you were saying, and I learned that I should improve certain aspects of my life. I get way too emotional in situations that require a cool head.

-I'm glad I could help, Michael. If you need advice on anything, you can ask me anytime. Or if you just need to bounce some ideas off someone, I'm always available.

-Thanks, Tim. It means a lot to me. Speaking of which, I might need a favour in a few days.

-Sure, consider it done. Can you tell me what it is?

-It's going to sound strange, but I'm not sure yet. I hope to find out more soon, and once I do, you'll be the first to hear about it. I promise.

-Ok, Michael.

-Do you want me to stay and do the check-in for the clients at the bar?

-Definitely not! These clients will take their sweet time getting here, and you might have to stay until midnight. Besides, I'm more than capable of handling all of them.

-I know you are. I meant, since the customers showed up during my shift, wouldn't this be considered my responsibility?

-No, you did everything right. Those douchebags decided to do things as if they're in charge here. And that's the reason I must put customers in their proper place every once in a while.

-You're getting worked up again, Tim. There's a part of me that wants to see you explode. I think it may be funny!

-I won't do anything extreme. I agreed with you that causing a scene would be wrong. But I will have to explain to some clients that they have to stop acting

like they own the place.

-Do what you have to do, Tim. I would say be gentle, but then again, I'd love to see what of them with a black eye.

-Stick around a bit more, Michael, and maybe you'll get your wish.

-No, I'm only joking. I'm sure you're going to handle this in a way that will benefit all of us. I would instead take off now if that's ok with you.

-Of course. There's no reason for you to hang around anymore. Get some rest, Michael.

-Ok, Tim. I'll see you in the morning.

-Bye, Michael.

I get out of the hotel and let out a sigh of relief. I'm surprised by how well I held it together. Was I that composed, or am I getting so good at pretending everything is ok? Or maybe I was able to be rational for once and had the proper response. I did have that episode at the bar, but I could easily explain it to anyone else but me. Could it be a physical issue and not a psychological one? I know I was on the verge of collapse, but I recovered fast and without any noticeable incidents. Or at least nothing that could indicate I'm having a meltdown. Maybe a complete medical check-up wouldn't hurt. I do wonder, though, will James talk to Tim about what occurred earlier? I doubt I have

anything to worry about, especially if Tim starts schooling the customers. Probably James wants nothing to do with that and won't risk getting caught in the middle.

I can't decide which route to take as I leave the hotel. One would be shorter if I should go to my parents' place. I have to check with my mom first, but I keep stalling making the call for some reason. I thought about it all day, but now when it's time to do it, I'm getting nervous and think maybe I shouldn't bother them. Why do I second guess myself so often? I have all these thoughts spinning in my head, but I get anxious when it's time to act. Maybe I should abandon all my plans and let things unfold naturally. Why am I afraid? It's just a fucking call to my mom. It makes no fucking sense. I need to stop rethinking everything and do what I said I was going to do. Man up a bit and follow through with my plans.

I was confident that I found the right solutions, but I start back peddling when push comes to shove. I'm furious with myself right now. I've had enough of this shit. I pull the phone out and dial my mom. My hand is a bit shaky, but I know there's no turning back once I hear the ringing. And I hope my mom picks up the call. I genuinely want to speak with her.

-Hey, baby. Is everything ok?

I got a bit lost in my thoughts again but hearing my mom's voice snapped me out. In a strange unexplainable way, I feel safe.

-Hi, mom. Yeah, everything is fine. I just wanted to check how you're doing. I hope it's not an inappropriate time.

-No, baby, of course not. You can call anytime you want. So, what are you up to?

-Not much. I got off work, and I'm heading home. I felt a bit bad last night because I didn't visit, and I wondered if I could fix that tonight. It's been a while since I had a meal that you cooked. I realised last night I missed it.

There's a weird silence at the other end. My mom doesn't want to say no, but I'm under the impression that she's pausing to come up with a gentle way of rejecting my visit. I should've made sure that it's a convenient time before inviting myself to their place. That was rude and intrusive on my part. Now my mom is in an uncomfortable position and doesn't know how to reply without hurting me. I have to say something to take the pressure off her. It's best if I suggest scheduling something for the weekend.

-Listen, mom. It's ok if you don't feel like it. I know it's late. That's why I called first. I'm sorry if I made it awkward. I wasn't trying to. Maybe we could have lunch or dinner this Sunday.

-Sunday would be so much better, baby. It's not that it's late now necessarily, but I just finished cleaning everything in the kitchen.

-You sound exhausted. But isn't it a bit late to be cleaning? Did you have some sort of party?

-We did have company tonight. Once we all started talking, time flew, and we didn't even notice that it got dark outside. It's the only reason I'm stuck in the kitchen so late.

-Well, at least it seems to me that you had fun.

-We had a great time! Your brother always knows to get us into a good mood.

-That's amazing. I'm glad you guys had a great night. Wait! Did you just say my brother was there?

-Yes, he was here.

-Why didn't you let me know?

-We figured you'd be busy with work.

-So what? Did you decide to keep it a secret?

-No, it wasn't like that. I tried to tell you last evening, but I couldn't do it over the phone.

-Did you know since yesterday? You all knew. So this wasn't a surprise visit! You just didn't want me around!

-Don't say this type of stuff, Mark. You can't possibly believe that.

-My name's not Mark, mom!

-Sorry, baby. It was an accident.

-Don't worry, it doesn't matter. I wish I were Mark too.

-I didn't mean like that! It was an honest mistake!

-So was calling tonight, mom. I almost ruined your perfect evening with your perfect little family.

-You're part of this family too, Michael.

-Nobody believes that. If any of you felt that way, somebody would've called. But not you, not dad, nor my brother cared enough to want me there!

-Don't do this, Michael.

-I'm not doing anything, mom. Sorry for bothering you. Let's go back to the way things were, and exchange fake pleasantries during the holidays. That worked just fine!

-Let's talk this through, Michael. Why don't you come over?

-We talked enough for one day. Have a great night, mom!

-Wait, Michael!

I end the call. I want to smash the phone on the concrete, but weirdly, I'm not angry enough to do it, not anymore. I got furious halfway through the conversation, but it's all gone. All I feel is deep sadness. My eyes filled up with tears, and I'm fighting desperately to hold them back. I don't want to give them satisfaction.

I put the phone away and start walking home. There goes my plan up in smoke. I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but I didn't expect this. The relationship between my family and me got a bit cold over the years, but this feels dismissive. Why wouldn't my brother call and let me know he was ing through town? He's probably had enough of me. Everyone has their limits, and he probably put up with my shit for long enough growing up. I can't even say I blame him. Everyone has moved on, except for me. I still look back at my past, feeling miserable about how things played out, unable to let go and get on with my life.

I guess there's not much left to do. I must reevaluate everything and see what's left of my life. What else do I have to live for? I feel completely numb. I can't even pay attention to where I'm walking. Luckily I live close, and I know the way with my eyes closed. It's mainly the sidewalk, and I don't have to worry about incoming cars. Although, maybe I would be better off getting run over by a truck. Nobody will miss me. That's how my story should end. Rotting away in

an unmarked grave, forgotten in death as I feel in life. My thoughts never got this dark before. I don't have any strength, or will, to fight them off. Knowing that life ends at some point seems to be the only comfort I have right now. Maybe that will stop the pain.

I'm staring at my apartment door, and I have no recollection of how I got here. The entire road home is a blur. I'm looking at my door, waiting for it to open automatically. It takes me a minute to realise that I must unlock the door to go inside. And now what? It's not like anything is waiting for me home. At least I can hide in the dark away from everybody. No matter how much I try, it seems I'm destined to be alone. I should keep trying, but this feeling of emptiness I have inside right now discourages me ultimately. No one wants me in their lives anymore, and they shouldn't. Since this seems to be a general conclusion, it's all my fault. I'm just undesirable. I should embrace loneliness and live out the rest of my life like this, friendless and unloved in a dark apartment.

I finally decide to turn on the lights and enter the kitchen. I walk up to the fridge, looking for food or water. I don't know. I look through it, hoping to find something that appeals to me in an attempt to fill the void. Everything looks disgusting, so I slam the door shut. I feel like breaking every plate and every cup I have in the kitchen. I want to take my frustrations out on something. The thought of having to clean up broken glass afterwards puts me off it. I'm getting angrier and angrier inside, and I feel an urge to lash out. There's no one around for me to lash out to, or deserving for that matter, except me. I would have no problem punching myself in the face right now, but I was never the self-harm type. Besides, I'm so pathetic that it would feel too much like bullying.

I need to get out of the kitchen. I don't feel hunger or thirst. I can't even describe what I'm experiencing. It's a mixture of self-hatred, sadness and utter defeat. Maybe I can distract myself by watching TV, so I start walking towards the bedroom. I throw all the work clothes off me and strip to my underwear. I turn the TV on and climb on the top of the mattress. I'm sitting on the bed, struggling to pay attention to what's on the news. It's pointless. I look through

the TV, and nothing s.

I'm channel surfing, hoping I would find something to enjoy and take my mind off everything. There’re the same channels, but it's like I don't recognise anything. At least I'm getting angry at the TV, which gives me something else to focus on. The flashes from the TV start to calm me down a bit too. I wrap myself in a blanket and close my eyes. I leave the TV on as white noise and drop the remote on the floor. So many thoughts collided in my head in so little time that it's hard to isolate one. It would be a positive aspect, but my brain feels like the scene of a brutal car crash. My mind broke, and I can't put back together all these thought fragments. Between the sound of the TV and the ringing noise in my head, I somehow manage to fall asleep or out. Either one works for me.

Somebody's grabbing my leg. I want to pull away, but I can't move it. What's happening with me? I went to bed alone but did I forget to lock the door, and someone got in? I try to jump up and check what's around me, but I can't move. My whole body is unresponsive. I feel like multiple cold dead hands are holding me down. I'm not asleep anymore, but I'm also not awake. I want to scream, hoping it would help me someway, but I cannot open my mouth. I feel like a giant squeezes me in its palm, and breathing has become very challenging for me. It's similar to what happened a few nights ago, only in an extreme form. I think I'm about to die, and all I know for sure right now is that I don't want to. It must be my survival instinct kicking in cause I can't think of another reason for being alive.

The more conscious I get of the situation, the more the condition wears off. There's no one in the bedroom. My body starts shaking, but breathing becomes a bit easier. I'm wide awake now and fully aware of my surroundings. I jump out of bed and run out of the bedroom. I turn on every light in the house and head for the bathroom. I splash cold water on my face to refresh myself and make sure I'm not inside a nightmare.

My body is burning hot, and sweat is covering me, and yet I'm shivering. I turn on the hot water in the shower and jump in. I stay under the warm stream for about fifteen minutes. Or so it seems to me, but I'm too confused to tell time. It's a long way to go until morning, and I don't know how to the time. I dried off, but the bathroom feels warm and safe, and I don't want to leave just yet. I need to collect myself before going out there again. I'm scared of what might be waiting for me. Home should be the safest place in the world, but my paranoia has turned it into my personal hell.

I wipe the steam off the mirror, not because I care, only to hang around a bit more. I see my reflection, and it looks horrible. My face is tired and disfigured, and I get this strange feeling that what's staring back at me is someone else. I don't dare look my reflection in the eyes. And as if that's not enough, it starts talking too.

-You look like shit, buddy!

-No, no, no. You can't be here! I chased you away!

-You genuinely believed that? That's adorable!

-I'm not talking to you.

-As if it's up to you. Let me guess! You're strong enough to handle this on your own. And to prove it, you locked yourself in the bathroom, hiding from an empty house.

-Why are you doing this?

-Doing what?

-You're messing with my head. It's no coincidence that you appeared now. But to attack in my sleep, in such a manner, makes you a monster and a coward.

-None of this is my doing!

-Then how come you're here?

-Because this is easier for you. Creating a fake person to talk to is better than getting stuck in your head. You want someone to reassure you that everything is going to be ok.

-And I couldn't come up with anyone better than you?

-It's better than nothing, right?

-No! You're the worst version of myself. I haven't received any good advice from you. The only thing you're good at is complaining! You do that more than I do!

-But at least I only complain about one person, not everyone and everything else.

-Do you mean me?

-You, me, whichever way you want to take it. Let's just say I look inwards for the culprit of this whole situation.

-Not everything is my fault! I try to reconnect with people, but nobody wants me anymore. I have no control over that!

-You call that a try? You expected an awkward phone conversation to fix the relationships that took you years to ruin? It's going to require a lot more effort, you dumbass!

-I was willing to put in the effort, but I didn't get the chance to show it. My family had a get-together and said nothing to me! How am I supposed to get back in?

-Maybe it wasn't a social visit. Your family might've had something important to solve.

-So what? Would I have been in the way?

-You're in bad condition right now, so, yes! You would've acted all needy

and pathetic and made everyone uncomfortable.

-Then why even bother? I'll just close off even more and live the rest of my life alone and not inconvenience anybody.

-That's one way to look at things. And I would love nothing more than to tell you that that's all you deserve, cause I hate you, but I don't want to end up like this too.

-Thanks for your honesty! At least we can stop pretending that we're in this together.

-I tried being the nice guy, but I couldn't get through to you.

-So you went on the attack instead. But since you're braver than me, you should've done it to my face. I needed the rest, but you ruined that to create an advantage for yourself like a coward.

-I had nothing to do with your condition.

-Stop with the bullshit! You want a war to see who takes over the mind, and I'm ok with that. Hopefully, only one of us will be left and do as it pleases going forward. But this body needs rest so it can handle all the stress we're about to put on it. Otherwise, it will burn out, and there will be nothing left for either of us to occupy.

-If you care so much, you should see a doctor. Or a psychologist. Probably both. What's happening is not my fault. I don't want to destroy this body or brain. I want to take over both of them.

-You'd love that, wouldn't you? But if I'm sent to a psychiatric hospital, it wouldn't do you any good. Besides, this never happened to me before. It's no coincidence that my condition started when you appeared.

-You were in control for far too long. And have accomplished nothing. I couldn't take it anymore. I hate the filth you got me in, so I had to speak up.

-You didn't speak. You started yelling in the middle of the night and attacking me, trying to tear me apart. I was unhappy enough and needed to hear that something was going right in my life. At least if you were the voice of reason, maybe some good would've come out. And stop complaining about being stuck in the same filth as me! You're not real!

-Then why not let me have a shot and take over the show? I couldn't possibly make things worst than they already are.

-I don't trust anything that you say. You contributed with nothing so far. You fail to realise that there are different nuances to these issues.

-What if I contradict you right now?

-How? Did you come up with another brilliant idea?

-Don't be so dismissive of me. You agreed with some of the things I told you. I give you the big picture. You're supposed to figure out the steps to get from point a to point b.

-By myself?

-Of course! You just said I'm not real, so how the fuck am I supposed to fix your issues? I give you the plan, and you execute it.

-Why should I listen to you? You've proven to be useless until now. I doubt anything will change soon.

-Well, actually, life showed everyone that you're the worthless one. Don't blame me for being too stupid to follow directions.

-That's how we should talk to each other. Mean but honest. We don't like one another, so let's not pretend. You don't have my best interest at heart. You think you know better and that you'd have done things the right way. It's easy to say that now, after the matter, but you would've made the same mistakes. We share the same IQ, so it's impossible for you to come up with any better solutions!

-Maybe. But I was quietly observing what's going on for a while and might be able to give you different perspectives. It won't hurt to listen!

-It will only annoy me. And I won't do what you say anyway.

-That's the spirit. Be as close-minded as humanly possible. You got so far in life like that, so why not keep at it. Idiot!

-I'm convinced that your ideas suck. Why waste any time on them? And deep down, you also know it. You don't have a master plan for any of this shit. All you did so far is tell me what I should've done after you saw me fail. That's useless.

-I'm presenting you with a learning opportunity. At least I'm trying to stop you from making the same mistakes over and over.

-And what mistake did I make tonight?

-You're forcing a reconnection with a lot of people we both know you hurt. It's a lot for them to process, and you don't seem willing to give them the time.

-I'm impatient by nature, I know that. But I didn't rush anyone. All I did is make a few calls. Why don't you tell me what you think I did wrong tonight?

-I will. Instead of going over to your parents' house uninvited, you should organise something and be the host. Put out a few invites and find a date that suits everyone. Have your family come over.

-That was your issue? The location? My parents only visited me once since I moved and hated here. It's a small one-bedroom apartment, and everybody will feel like they're suffocating.

-Not if everyone wants to be here. Give it a try. It might work!

-You don't like taking into consideration all the aspects of human interaction. But you should know that when there's tension between people, the worst thing you can do is cram all of them inside a small space. Everyone is going to get defensive. You understand that, right?

-It shouldn't be the case. If all of you are here to talk and reconnect, you can make it work.

-Doesn't it seem a bit forced to you? You had an issue with how I wanted to handle things, but this is way worst. There's a chance that all of us might say something we regret.

-It's not forced if you schedule correct, and everybody agrees to come.

-Don't you think that the environment in which the meeting will take place is important?

-No. If the same people are involved, the outcome should be the same.

-You're dumb. The amount of stress, sadness and darkness is in this apartment will eventually affect everyone who enters here. We would've all been more relaxed at my parents' house. Maybe it would've felt like old times when we were a loving family.

-Sounds to me like it would benefit only you. You want to make things as easy as possible and hope that everything will work itself out.

-This has nothing to do with making things easy! It was about everyone being comfortable, maybe getting a bit nostalgic. Reminiscing about our childhood would've been the perfect conversation starter.

-I can't believe I'm saying this, but that was a great idea. Look at me being all ive. Let's set that up!

-That might have worked until a few hours ago when I found out that they're all meeting up in secret. In my head, I saw everything fall into place, and that gave me false hope.

-Don't go down this path! You always let despair take over at crucial moments. You didn't even let mom explain what was going on.

-What's there to explain? They probably get together regularly, and I wasn't supposed to know about it. My mom slipped up tonight, and now we're here. I knew that it was difficult, but I hoped my family would show me some understanding. They don't even seem interested in hearing me out, for fuck sake!

-You're an idiot! Maybe we both are morons, but the big difference between you and me is that I don't quit! I still believe we can fix things!

-Aren't you just such an optimist? The only problem is that you can't do anything about it. And it's not because you're nothing more than a foolish voice in my head! It's because you didn't recognise what was happening until now. If you said something earlier, we might've been able to develop a plan and fix things. You were too stupid to realise what's happening! You observed and learned nothing! You were too busy blaming me, maybe even mocking me a bit! But now things have changed, and you don't feel safe anymore. We do make the perfect match, and we deserve everything that's happening. But don't worry, everything ends at some point.

-You sound like a broken, defeated man. That's why I must take over. You don't have what it takes to get things done. You're impatient and jump to conclusions without knowing all the facts. You're too stupid to understand what's going on but too embarrassed to ask. It's always been your biggest problem. And you never addressed it. If you would've been more composed when the situation required it, you could have avoided many ugly moments. We probably wouldn't be here!

-Maybe. But it doesn't take too many brain cells to understand what's happening now. It's my fault I'm cut off from the world, and I accept that. I'm weak, broken, dumb and worthless, and I'll live with this too. But I will not gravel to anyone, not anymore.

-Do you think that you can do this on your own and need no help? I would almost appreciate your attempt to act proud if it weren't so sad.

-I'm not too proud to it I need help. I am disappointed, though, that

everyone at work noticed something was wrong with me and were willing to help, while people who knew me their entire life couldn't care less.

-Can you honestly believe that? Most of the things that went wrong were your fault. It's always been your fault.

-That's just guilt talking for you. All I can tell is that if people behave like they don't care if they act like I'm a nuisance and they're better off without me, it must be true.

-I refuse to believe that! You misunderstood everything!

-It's ok to be scared. Trust me! It breaks my heart having to accept this. But it gets easier once you get used to the pain. At some point, you'll become numb, hopefully dead, on the inside.

-That's no life! How can you just lay down and accept this? Is there no fight left inside you?

-I cannot change a lot of things. And some people already made up their minds about me, and no matter how much I struggle, there's no changing that. It will be in our best interest if you accept it too. The sooner, the better. Now I'd like to get some sleep. So how about we do this another time?

-No! This conversation isn't over!

-I have nothing more to say to you. And I don't care about what you have left to say.

-I won't let you sleep!

-Scream as loud as you can! It will be inconvenient for a while, but eventually, exhaustion will cause the body to shut down. Whether it's sleep or ing out, I'll take it.

-You're making everything worst!

-Don't worry about it! I got this! Why don't you go silent for the night and let this body rest? We can continue the war the next chance we get.

-You seem excited about the fights we'll have in the future. I think you finally broke!

-Sometimes, despair and sadness turn to hate and anger. I can take my frustrations out on you too. In my head, I tried to take out my frustrations on whoever I could, but you said it's wrong. Besides, you might be one of the last people I interact with, and you do deserve everything that's coming to you!

-You're embarking on a self-destructive path. I can't let you do that. I'll use whatever means I can to prevent it from happening!

-Do what you must! But I'm not backing off anymore. I don't care if I crash and burn as long as I go out on my !

-That's not how normal people talk! Let's figure this out before it's too late!

-I'm in charge! You can try to fight for control, but you're too weak and dumb to get it. And that's coming from me! So why don't you take a back seat and enjoy the show? However it ends, it will be spectacular!

The voice keeps talking, but I'm ignoring it. I start humming, not to appear relaxed, because I'm not, but only to cover up the noise in my head. I can't act like I'm not scared to go back to sleep because I'm terrified. I don't know if the voice has anything to do with it, but he's aware. If he's not the cause, then he's just as scared as I am. Or maybe he can hide in one of the many dark corners of my mind and not be affected. However, I wouldn't be surprised if he tries to use this condition to his advantage. I don't know why I worry. He's probably not resourceful enough to do it. Our collective intelligence isn't that high to spot opportunities in life.

I get into bed and hide under the blanket. I can't shake the feeling that something's watching me. Just because it's all in my head doesn't make it less real. I can feel the dark energy surrounding my bed. Are they demons or ghosts of my past? Whatever they are, they all seem to want a piece of me. I can hear strange whispers in the room. I crawl into the fetal position and cover my head with my pillow. Tears start pouring out of my eyes, but it doesn't feel like I'm crying. It's more a mixture of fear and despair.

I'm scared that I won't be able to beat this. I could use a bit of comforting right about now. I feel the monsters grabbing me, trying to tear me apart. I'm not afraid for very long. My heartbeat and respiration slow down to normal.

Although I cannot move my body, other functions don't seem to be affected. Even my cognitive ability appears to be fully operational. It feels kind of soothing. Weirdly, I find a lot of comfort in this state. My whole body is numb and cold. I feel like I'm lying down in a tomb. I feel at peace. All of a sudden, whatever monsters are holding on to me don't feel threatening anymore. I never expected to find cold and darkness comforting, but I finally accepted where I belong, buried alive under my regrets and sorrows.

I open my eyes and raise my head from under the pillow. The room is full of light, and I instinctively check my watch. The alarm went off, but I didn't hear it. Or at least I don't recall hearing it. It rang less than two minutes ago, so I'm not in any danger of being late to work. I get out of bed slowly, with no desire of doing anything today. I go to the kitchen to make a fresh cup of coffee. Maybe that will energise me enough to start my day. The smell of coffee used to be all it took for me to feel refreshed in the morning. Now I can't even sense it. It's almost like life has lost all flavour to me.

I can't enjoy this cup of coffee. I leave it half full on the table and head for the shower. There was a time showering had a positive effect on me and snapped me back to reality. That's also gone. It became just another chore. All of my morning routines turned into a bunch of tedious tasks. I don't even feel like going to work today. It's something that never happened to me before. In the previous weeks, I couldn't wait to get out of the apartment. Now, I feel like locking the door and crawling back in bed. But I'm all dressed and ready to go, so I might as well see what happens.

I step outside in the bright light, and my eyes seem to struggle to adjust to it. I don't find anything around me relaxing or enjoyable. All the people I by are smiling and politely talking, but I just can't be bothered. Under any other circumstances, I would think this is a glorious day. Today, I'm numb to everything surrounding me. I'm not annoyed or affected in any other way by the environment. It's almost like I lost my ability to feel. I wish this would last forever. Going through life like a zombie, unaffected by anything, sounds pretty

good to me. If I can't control my emotions, why not lose them entirely? Right now, I couldn't think of a single downside to it.

I'm getting close to the hotel, and I wonder if anything will change once I interact with the staff. I'm particularly interested if Tim or Mama will notice any difference. Both of them like asking questions and noticed I've been off for a while. They seemed to be genuinely concerned, and I enjoyed how worried they were about my well-being. And I thought I was making improvements. Fuck that too! I would like it a lot if nothing happens to snap me out of this state. Maybe it's time I get a lucky break too!

I walk through the doors and enter the hotel. I see Tim leaned over some paperwork, probably checking if he has everything in order. I'm surprised he didn't raise his head when he heard me enter, so I assume it's essential. I quietly sit on the desk and wait for him to finish.

-Morning, Michael! What's the matter? How come you're so silent?

-Hey, Tim! You seem busy, so I was patiently waiting for you to finish. I didn't want to distract you. What are you up to?

-Nothing much. I'm just making sure that I didn't mix anything up. Many people were renting rooms last night, so I'm making a few notes to highlight what remained available. Just to make things easier for everyone.

-I appreciate that, Tim! How was last night, overall?

-Very busy. For the first time in a while, I feel tired. Navigating between normal customers and our regulars is a hand full.

-Well, then, I consider myself lucky that this happened on your shift.

-You could've handled it. You had shifts like this before, so I know you would've done an excellent job. You're early again, Michael. How come?

-I overslept and didn't hear my alarm go off. So I got ready fast and left the house, even though it was only a matter of a few minutes. Once I thought I have to rush, I didn't stop to recheck the time.

-I know the feeling. It happens to me from time to time. But I'm glad you're so early.

-Would you like to get some rest?

-If it's ok with you, Michael, I'll be leaving a bit sooner.

-Of course, Tim! Even you aren't immune to fatigue. Go home and get your beauty sleep. I'll take over and make sure everything goes smoothly.

-I like the new attitude, Michael! There are many new faces right now, so you might have to deal with a lot of questions. I know giving directions can be a pain, but I trust you to stay calm and appease everyone.

-You have nothing to worry about, Tim! I'll be on my best behaviour, and I won't give any customers reasons to complain.

-Don't let any of them get to you, and feel free to remind them that they also must watch their behaviour, if needed, of course.

-I'll be cautious not to let anything get out of hand.

-Oh yeah. Before I leave, I have something for you.

Tim reaches into his vest pocket and takes out something. At a closer look, I notice it's a stack of cash. He's extending it to me.

-What's this, Tim?

-It's your cut from last night.

-I didn't do anything to deserve this!

-It was your shift. You should get some of it.

-You did all the work, Tim. You should keep all the money. It's only fair.

-Some of the customers showed up on your shift. For whatever reason, they decided to go through the back door. That wasn't ok. And I made sure it won't happen again. Regardless of who did what, we are a team. I say it's best if we split the money accordingly.

-It's your call. I know better than to argue with you. But to be honest, I'm fine either way.

-Everybody can use a bit of extra money. Deposit it somewhere, and use it for emergencies. Or treat yourself to something neat. Don't tell me you have problems taking money from these people?

-From them, no. But it feels like I'm taking money from you.

-Stop it, Michael!

Tim puts the cash in my pocket and gives me a look of approval. I don't feel any better or worst. I don't care about this money, but I won't debate this anymore. I've always trusted Tim, and I'll do it again. Whatever he says goes anyway, so because of that, I won't drag this any longer.

-Thanks, Tim! I'm sure I can find some use for the money.

-Don't mention it. Put the money somewhere and forget about it. The next time you have an unexpected expense, you won't stress about it.

-You're right. You never know when something unpredictable happens. I'll put this money to good use.

-I believe that. Is it cool if I take off?

-Sure, Tim. Go rest. I'll handle everything from here. It shouldn't be that hard, considering you always leave things in perfect order.

-I don't like leaving loose ends. And besides, I do have more responsibilities than all of the staff here. If I get sloppy, it would only come back to bite me in the ass.

-That's why you run a tight ship.

-Maybe sometimes I appear too harsh, but I think I'm fair.

-You'll get no disagreement from me. I do believe that you treat everyone equal.

-I did not say that. Fair is not the same as equal.

-What do you mean?

-I value certain people more than others. They are of greater worth to this establishment, which in turn makes my job a bit easier, so I don't have to worry when I'm not here to keep an eye on everything. That's what I base my treatment on.

-You mean some people are more challenging to replace than others.

-I like having dependable employees in crucial positions. It took a while to get them, but it's only fair that I return the favour since they proved their worth. I might even give some of them a second chance if they don't mess up too bad.

-So that goes for a few only?

-Yes! Not even a handful.

-Do you not believe in second chances?

-I'm not against giving people a second chance, but I would prefer it if they took it elsewhere. Besides, whether I give it or not is irrelevant. Most people don't want to take it. They just want someone else to clean up their mess so they can start fresh. I'm not going through life doing that.

-I hear you, Tim. Once you start fixing other people's problems, you might

not be able to stop. Who knows, you could even end up neglecting your own issues.

-You get smarter every day, Michael!

-Thanks, Tim. That almost sounded like a compliment.

-I apologise, Michael. That wasn't my intention. This conversation can last for hours, and I do have places to be. At home, in my bed.

-You're right! We do tend to get a bit philosophical. But before you leave, I do have one last question.

-Ask away, Michael!

-Am I among that handful of people you'd give a second chance?

-It's best if I don't answer, Michael. But feel free to draw your own conclusions. You should know by now, anyway. Also, who's to say that I haven't already given you a second chance?

-Now I'm worried.

-Don't be. Just keep doing a good job, and no one will have cause to complain. And on that note, I'm out of here!

-Ok, Tim. Drive carefully, and I'll see you tonight!

As I'm watching him leave, I put my hand in my pocket and grab the stack of cash. I pull it out and take a closer look. It's a nice amount. It's almost as much as I would have made under normal circumstances. What did Tim do? Did he give me all the tips from last night? This new information stirs my curiosity a bit. If I still care about it when Tim gets back, I'll ask him about it.

-Or you could've just not taken the money! But that would've required restraint, morality and a bit of decency. And you possess none of those traits!

-What are you doing here? Is this an attempt to frustrate me, hoping that I'll lose control?

-Of course not! I'm only thinking out loud!

-Good one! I wasn't aware that you're capable of sarcasm.

-What can I say! I'm growing as a person each day. Just like everyone else around you. But not you, no. You're the same weak, pathetic whore you've always been.

-Usually, you try to make a point before you shower me with insults. Now you start right out of the gate. Have you finally realised that everything you say is stupid and pointless?

-Maybe I'm trying to catch you off guard.

-itting it so easy will not help your cause.

-Just because you know what I'm doing doesn't mean you can stop me. You have a fragile state of mind, and you're broken already. Now, I'm only toying with you!

-If you could've done something, you would've done it by now. I'm not worried about you anymore. You're too incompetent to succeed in your plans.

-Maybe. Unfortunately, we do share a few characteristics, including determination and mental endurance. But the way things are going, I won't have to do any of the fightings. Whatever is happening to you lately doesn't seem to affect me. You're going to lose control soon, and when it happens, I'll be there to replace you.

-What makes you sure you're going to survive it?

-I'm an optimist, ? Besides, I doubt that this condition is fatal.

-Are you basing your plan on hope? You're grasping at straws, buddy! I had a few terrifying nights, and you were nowhere to be found. You're way more frightened than me.

-Did you need someone to hold your hand?

-That would have been nice, but not by you. I was more curious about what you make of it at that moment. But I guess you found the deepest corner of my mind and cowered in there.

My head goes quiet again, and I don't feel my brain throbbing once the noise is gone. I don't seem affected by this strange voice that appears in my head as it pleases, trying to catch me off guard. Its attacks are meaningless to me, and I don't think I'll have any problems functioning because of it.

-Why did you take the money?

-What are you talking about?

-The money from Tim. It's from people you despise, and you deserve none of it.

-I have to put up with so much shit from them. Why not make some cash in the process?

-Because it's wrong. This whole arrangement has a distasteful vibe to it. And you, deep down, you've always known this. It's been weighing on your mind since you started working here.

-You don't know that!

-We both know it. This aspect of the job never sat right with you. Are you going to deny it?

-I've always hated bribes and stuff like that. I can it it. But things changed once I saw how the world works.

-You could've tried to hold on to some integrity. You could've refused to take the job after you heard how Tim runs things in this place. It's not like this was your dream job. You changed lines of work consistently. You didn't have any ion for any of them.

-Maybe that's what I was looking for, ion.

-But instead, you settled for money.

-Not having financial issues was a significant factor in my decision. It made life a lot easier.

-Did it, though? In the long run, you slowly started to die inside. I guess

money isn't everything.

-I guess not. If only I had someone to tell me that growing up.

-But now you knew! And now, after all this time, you came to the same conclusion! You can still try to turn things around. You don't have to live the rest of your life like some cheap whore.

-How exactly am I a whore?

-You're treated like shit by most regular customers. They barely show you any respect or decency and throw money at you to keep quiet about something that's not even that big of a secret! How would you describe yourself?

I don't know how to respond to this. The annoying voice found a way to get under my skin. Is this truly what I have become? All this time, I was judging the girls who accompany the wealthy customers so harshly, but I was no better. Maybe a lot of them have no other options. Who knows what background they're coming from? Some people are willing to do anything to escape filth and poverty, and who could blame them? At least they're getting something out of this, and everybody shows them a lot more respect than they'll ever give me.

-What's the matter? Did the cat get your tongue?

-Fuck off! Don't throw your issues on me. That's what you believe. I never considered myself that. It's how things work here, and I didn't have any problems

with this aspect. Ever. We all need a way to make a living, and as long nobody's getting hurt, I don't care what that is.

-What do you have problems with?

-Some people's condescending attitude. Whenever somebody's treating me like I'm inferior, that gets on my nerves.

-You're surrounded by people who do that. If you genuinely like this job, at least stop taking their money. Or else this treatment will never end.

-Tips are part of this line of work. Why shouldn't I profit too?

-Because nobody looks at that money as tips. They considered hush money.

-So? They're trying to maintain secrecy.

-Everybody knows their secret. You don't have to be a detective to figure out what happens in this place. Why would they pay to cover something up unless they knew it was wrong and could cause them trouble? That's what you're a part of. Stop it! Please!

-What's with this gentle tone all of a sudden?

-These people have no moral com anymore. Some probably never had. They lost every shred of decency and have no consideration for other human beings. But it's not too late for you. Don't become them!

-I can't do that. I'm not influential or wealthy enough to be one of these people.

-This is serious! Stop deflecting with your lame jokes! It never worked!

-Why are you trying to reason with me? I thought we were mortal enemies. Something feels off about you! What are you scared of?

-I don't know. I have a feeling we're running out of time. I may be too late to do anything!

-We? I don't know if there ever was we, but it isn't anymore! You fear that this is a temporary condition and you're going to disappear soon.

-No! That's not it! There are thoughts in your head that terrify me. You haven't seen them yet, and I don't know how long I can keep them at bay!

-Pathetic! Why couldn't the voice in my head be fearless and tell me I can achieve anything? It had to be you! The most disappointing part of me is you. The worst aspect of this ordeal is finding out that even a fragment of my imagination is a coward!

-I'm not arguing with you anymore. I was born out of anger and despair and was unable to provide any clarity. I am very sorry about that. From now on, I'll be nothing but ive.

-You're getting weird. But you know that. It's another one of your tricks to catch me off guard. It's not going to work!

-It's not! I promise! You're right to be sceptical, but I'll prove you can trust me.

-How about you earn my trust by disappearing forever? It will be the best thing you can do for me, and I guarantee that it would help me immensely.

-I cannot do that right now. As a sign of honesty, though, I will give you more room to breathe. I'll keep quiet and not interfere with you in public. But I need you to take better care of yourself.

-You sound like mom!

-Maybe. But for good reasons. One of us should keep an eye on refuelling this body. So why don't you go to the kitchen and get some breakfast? And to stay hydrated!

-I was going to do that anyway! You don't have to concern yourself with everyday activities, be helpful if you want to earn my trust!

-I'm starting wherever I can. And after the near-collapse you had last night, I'm trying to prevent a full one. I'll be quiet now, but I will be close by keeping an eye on you. Call me if you need me!

-I won't! I've never needed help from someone as pathetic as you!

I don't get a reply anymore. I've never been more confused since this voice appeared in my head. Every time he talks, he seems to have a different tune. It does remind me of my uncertainties. I don't know what my next move should be. Can I let go of all my emotions and try to live my life without feeling anything ever again? But can this even be described as living? I'm just so tired of all this pain I feel inside. That's probably the reason I went numb for a few hours. I've accumulated too much of it. I need to find a way to step back a bit and reset again. Maybe I have to reassess my plans. Or I should stop making any plans what's so ever! I'm overcomplicating everything and everyone's lives. I'm afraid that if I let things unfold on their own, my fears will come true. What if none of my old friends and family wants me in their lives anymore? Why does it matter to me so much? But at least I need to know for sure. I don't think I'll be able to move on otherwise. I am so bad at letting go of the past. I don't need these thoughts in my head. It's too early in the day for them, and the impact they'll have might be critical. Fuck!

Let's get my ass in the kitchen and see if Mama can put me in a better mood. I get inside the elevator and try to clear my mind. I would like to be calm and composed in her presence. Maybe I should stay away from sensitive topics. Mama loves to be a bit curious, but I'll try to make our conversation dull. Or perhaps she'll be busy, and I worry over nothing. Either way, I should be able to enjoy my time in the kitchen. Thinking like that, I already step outside the elevator in a better mood.

-Good morning, everybody!

I say that with a loud, cheerful tone. All the staff says hi back or waves at me. It feels good seeing people giving me warm smiles. It feels like this is where I belong, among these people. Why was I so envious of smug, arrogant assholes I'll never know. This environment should've suited me from the beginning. I was just too busy being angry for not getting a head start in life to enjoy it.

-Hey, Michael! You keep showing up earlier and earlier. What's the deal with that? Are you aiming for the manager position?

-Hello, Mama! Far from it. I have no intention of being anyone's boss. I got bored at home waiting by myself, so I come here to annoy everybody who's already at work.

-Nonsense, baby. You're always welcomed in my kitchen! Unless you manage to somehow get on my nerves, then we're going to have problems!

-It's good to see you too, Mama! What have you been up to?

Mama and I hug, which we usually do when we see each other, only this time, something feels a bit off. She's holding on a bit too long and a bit too tight. It's not anything creepy or stuff like that. It feels more like guilt. I'm very good at spotting guilt. I have a lot of practice from watching myself in the mirror. But why would she feel guilty? Could it be related to her wandering through the hotel yesterday and talking to the wrong people? Did she get herself in some kind of trouble? I hope I'm wrong about that last part, and this is all in my head. But I would like to be sure. I don't know how to ask without possibly upsetting her. I suck at being subtle. And I don't have the guts to ask point-blank. Why pretend? I just suck at talking!

-Nothing special. I was just minding the kitchen and ensuring that everyone is on point and all the ingredients are fresh.

-It smells delicious in here, so I would say you got nothing to worry about. And everything looks spotless.

-If only everyone would be so simple to please!

-What's the matter? Did anyone complain about things not being right in the kitchen?

-Oh, no! It's nothing! Don't concern yourself with it. Did you get anything to eat yesterday at everything?

-I did, yes.

-That's great, Michael. I'm sorry I wasn't here. Usually, I like to make sure that all my children are taken care of. Is it weird that I consider you all my children?

-Of course not, Mama! I think it's sweet.

-Thanks, baby! Did Nick do an excellent job in my absence?

-Oh yeah! But I have something embarrassing to tell you.

-I'm listening.

-I forgot his name. Or it just slipped my mind. I'm sure you introduced him to me, but I don't know what happened. My brain just went blank. I couldn't tell if he figured it out, but I might have been a bit awkward.

-Don't worry about it at all! Nick's a sweet guy. Even if he noticed, he'd understand. He's aware you wouldn't do that on purpose. We all have stuff on our minds, so that can happen to anyone.

-Ok, Mama, thanks. You easied my mind a bit, and now I memorised his name.

-You're welcome, Michael. How about I bring you something to eat. All this jabbering has probably made you hungry.

-You know me so well, Mama. I would like to grab a bite before I head back to the front desk. I don't want to leave it unsupervised for too long.

-Of course. I'll go whip something up that I know you'll enjoy and be right back.

-You don't have to rush, Mama. I doubt any emergency will come up in the next ten minutes. But when you come back, I would like to ask you something.

-Ok, baby. Anything you want!

It won't be long before she gets back. I must figure out a way to start the conversation without upsetting her. I'm not that worried about her getting mad at me. I just don't want to put her in a bad mood. I genuinely care about Mama, so I need to show that and not appear like I'm doing it only for the gossip. Here goes nothing! She's back with two plates filled with food.

-Here you go, Michael! A nice meal and some dessert to make it up to you!

-Everything looks great! Can you pull up a chair, please, and me? I think we have to talk about something.

-Am I in some sort of trouble, Michael?

-That's what I'd like to find out, Mama! I know you went and talked with some people on the third floor. I also know that it's not your job to deliver the room service. I would like you to tell me what that was about, if you want, of course. If you don't want to talk about it, I understand. Just tell me everything is ok, and I'll forget about the whole thing.

-I wanted to take a closer look at the people that upset you. I don't know what I was thinking. I figured no one could say no to food and sweets.

-But they never ordered anything from room service.

-Apparently, they wanted to order but had a change of heart. That's beneath people of their stature. The worst part was that I knew some of them since they were kids. Not well, but I used to go to school with most of their parents. I even used to babysit for some of them.

-Yeah, I had a talk with one of them about hotel food, and he wasn't very kind in expressing his opinion of it. What was the general impression that they left you?

-They were rude, pretending that they don't recognise me. I guess they learned that from their parents.

-What do you mean?

-There was a time when their parents used to turn their heads and pretend they don't see me when we ran into each other.

-I'm sorry, Mama. I know how much that probably hurt.

-It almost killed me inside, for a moment. But I got past it once I realised I'm not the one who should be embarrassed to make eye .

-Ok, Mama. You don't have to say anything else anymore if you don't want to. I'm not saying I fully understand, but we can talk about something else if you prefer it. I would hate to ruin your day, especially so early in the morning.

-Don't worry about that, Michael. I know you mean no harm. Besides, maybe I should talk about it and see if I'm indeed over it. This interaction has brought some memories and feelings back. It would be helpful to address them. Are you sure you want to hear me out?

-Of course, Mama! What kind of friend would I be if I ignore you right now? I'm also here for you if you need to talk.

-That's nice to hear.

There's a brief moment of silence between us. Mama re a lot of stuff she probably doesn't want to. Memories that caused her pain at some point, and she pushed down, thinking she got over them. Maybe it's best not to bring those memories back up and let them die in the past. On the other hand, old thoughts have a weird way of surfacing, of letting you know that they're not ever gone and that you might have to battle them again and again, testing our inner strength.

-You know, Michael, back in the day, socialising was different than now. Most of us didn't have phones, so if we wanted to talk, we had to do it face to face. It was a more honest interaction.

-Were you friends?

-Friendly enough. Looking back, we probably weren't real friends. We grew up together, and there weren't that many places to hang out, so we were more accidental buddies than anything.

-I think this is the case for most of us. I didn't know how to make friends in high school. I didn't know what I value in people.

-Maybe, Michael. But some people you just like and you stay in touch with them all your life. It sucks when you realise how few of those you have. Or when you notice just how few people genuinely like you.

-I doubt this could be the case with you, Mama. You're one of the sweetest, kindest people I know.

-Thanks, Michael! I'm trying to be helpful and decent, but I'm sure you could find people that would tell you the opposite. In the end, it's all a matter of how others see me.

-I disagree with that. I haven't heard a single person say something wrong about you. Everyone who knows you loves you. So it's a matter of people taking the time to get to know you. But you still haven't told me what happened. They were pretending not to recognise you.

-Right. Sorry, Michael, I got a bit carried away.

-It's ok, Mama. I am curious to hear how you dealt with that type of

rejection. I know from experience that being ignored hurts or thinking that you have way more friends than you actually do.

-It happens, but only because strange bonds are formed between humans as you grow up. In reality, your tiny kid brain doesn't know what friends are. You don't even understand who you are, let alone what intentions the people surrounding you have. The ones who mature faster are better off.

-Do you believe that wholeheartedly?

-Maybe. It's hard to find a balance between acting immature and being responsible. At least one behaviour will help you hold on to a job and other living necessities.

-I would've agreed with you, Mama, until a few days ago. But this does seem like a bleak existence, without happiness or moments of joy.

-Not really. Not if you enjoy what you're doing. As long as you have ion for something, you can still find happiness. And if you remain honest, even if only a handful of people are present in your life, those are real friends. The people I grew up with lost all integrity from a young age. Most of them, at least. There was a lot of pressure to marry young back then, and everyone was looking to better their lives.

-Climbing the social ladder was that important even back then?

-I would say that it was more important than now. A smaller town, fewer people, if you become somebody here, you would truly stand out. Everyone wanted to be referred to as a lady or a gentleman but had no issues whoring themselves to achieve that status. I was close enough with a lot of them, and I know what dreams and beliefs they had. They abandoned everything to reach financial benefit. Soon everyone turned their back on everyone. Because I remained in a low, working-class condition, most of them acted like they're above me, too good to say a simple hello to me.

-How come you didn't take the same route as everyone else? I'm not saying you should've abandoned your ideals. There was probably a way to share your life with someone without feeling any pressure.

-I was looking for love, Michael. I had no intention to settle for anything less or something material. I've always been a romantic by nature.

-Did you find love?

-Yes, a couple of times. But sadly, I was the only one who valued it. People went through a phase when nobody appreciated the simple life anymore. I guess everyone thought that it's ok to prioritise financial gain, and everything else will follow. There is love so forceful out there, and if you lose that, it will always stay on your mind.

-Don't you believe that you can come across true love multiple times in a lifetime?

-Sure, you can. But only if you don't regret losing the love you once had.

Don't hold on to the past too much, knowing that you did the best you could. Sometimes things fall apart, and there's no one to blame. If you go through life comparing one to the other regularly, you'll struggle to maintain a state of happiness.

-And how exactly do you move on without regret, Mama? How easy is it for you to let go?

-Looking back and feeling content about everything that happened in your life is hard. I would say that each of us has things in our past that we wish we did differently. I never blamed myself, even when I felt sad or lonely. I always thought that everything happens for a reason. I know it sounds dumb and probably doesn't satisfy you, but that's my belief, and it helped me move on a few times.

-That means nothing to me! It's just a cliche people use when they don't have an answer. If there's a reason for all that stuff, then what is it?

-Maybe it wasn't meant to be!

-Well, yeah, Mama, that's pretty obvious. Since it didn't happen, it wasn't meant to be. But that doesn't explain or justifies that type of behaviour!

-I guess you're right, Michael. But to me, it makes sense. I'm sorry that I couldn't help more.

I'm an asshole. I was supposed to hear Mama out and be a good friend. It started with me worrying that she's in trouble, and now I'm displeased that her answers don't fix my problems. What's wrong with me? One of the few people that still care about me, and I can't return the favour for ten fucking minutes! I reach and grab Mama's hand and squeeze it, not too hard, just to draw her attention.

-I apologise, Mama. I'm a jerk, and I put you in a bad mood. I got legitimately angry at the people who've hurt you! You're a decent person, and you've put yourself out there with an open heart!

-That's quite all right, Michael. I shouldn't have dumped all my bad memories on you like that.

-Yes, you should've. We are good friends. I got angry because I didn't like how those people treated you. Perhaps it triggered some memories when it happened to me. Sometimes my head mixes everything.

-You have a lot of empathy, Michael. I probably didn't explain things correctly. There's something I didn't say, and I should've started with it. There is something that helped me a lot when I needed it the most. When you lose all the people closest to you, at some point, you do, inevitable end up blaming yourself. I was almost getting to that point when what I'm about to tell you happened. Late in the evening, somebody was knocking at my door. My mom went and answered it. I made nothing of it since I wasn't expecting anybody. But then the door to my room opened, and my mom invited someone inside.

-Based on your mom's reaction, I assume that the person entering your room was a pretty frequent quest.

-She was my best friend. Or at least, I thought she was. Her ignorance hurt the most during that time, and it was the one thing I couldn't understand. We had been best friends our entire life. She was always welcomed to my house, and my mom always treated her like a daughter. She was hurting just as much as me, so she at least wanted to explain what happened.

-She was hurting out of her own doing! Both of you were! I can't imagine a single reason to do something like this to a close friend!

-I agree with you, Michael. But I'm curious if you will change your mind as I did after telling you her story. You see, Michael, she grew up in a broken home. She suffered a lot of violence and psychological abuse. All she wanted was to get away from that. She used to dream of a white knight coming and rescuing her. So, the first chance she got, she took. The only thing she had to do in return was to cut all ties with everything and everyone that might reveal her origin. It broke my heart, hearing what she goes through. I realised then that I had nothing to be embarrassed about. I shouldn't feel ashamed about being ignored. She was the one that couldn't look me in the eyes, knowing what she has to do to improve her situation.

-Do you think that's the case with most of your former friends?

-Probably, but it didn't even matter anymore. I understood that if I remain true to myself, I should have no regrets in the long run. I don't know what would've happened to me if my friend hadn't opened up like that. I was lucky it never got to a point where I started to blame myself.

-What about now? What feelings have surfaced after the interactions you had yesterday?

-Not guilt. I think it just brought back a lot of sadness. Or maybe I got nostalgic thinking of the many friends I used to have.

-You still have many friends! Everyone here loves you! Do you regret not taking the same path, Mama?

-Never. Everything I did in life, I did it honestly. I don't look back and relive my youth in my head, wondering what it might have been. I'm not stuck in the past, and I have lived moments of pure happiness. I can't say I accomplished everything I dreamed of, but I did the absolute best I could with what I got.

-Would you tell me what dream you couldn't make real no matter how hard you tried? If it's too painful to talk about it, you don't have to. I should get back to the front desk anyway, so we'll do it some other time.

-It's ok, Michael. I've opened up this far, so why not go all the way? Besides, it's easy to guess what it is. I wish I had children of my own. I think I would have made a great mom.

-I'm sure of it. How come it never happened to you? Were you waiting for true love and missed the opportunity?

-No, I had all that. It turns out that I can't have children. To some men, that is a deal-breaker, no matter how much we loved each other.

Hearing her say that renders me speechless. I have no idea what I could tell her that would bring any sort of comfort. It probably took her superhuman strength to overcome all this. My issues don't seem half as bad as hers, yet I struggle to stay afloat every day. I avert my eyes from her. I don't dare meet her look after what I just heard. She gently grabs my hand and gives me a warm smile.

-I'm sorry, Michael! Maybe I've said way more than I should have. I can tell it saddened you deeply.

-It's ok, Mama. I'm glad you told me everything. It is indeed a lot to process, but this should keep my mind occupied all day, which is good. The day shift has been incredibly dull lately.

-I doubt this is the best way to keep your mind occupied. You should try fun, happy thoughts.

-Some days, that's easier said than done. I should get going, Mama. It's been too long since I left the front desk unsupervised.

-Ok, Michael. Did you at least have a good breakfast?

-Of course! Everything was perfect!

-I'm glad to hear that. It wasn't an entirely ruined morning.

-Please don't feel lousy about our conversation, Mama! Even if it wasn't the most fun, it was significant. Besides, real friends should be able to talk about everything.

-Thanks for listening to me, baby! It helped to get everything out. I feel so much better, and I know there's no reason to regret the decisions I made in this life.

-That's fantastic, Mama! I'm happy that some good came out of this awkward conversation. I'm going to head downstairs now. I'll be sure to check back in when I get the chance!

-Ok, baby! Make sure that you at least come and eat.

I respond with a smile and a hug. I say a general goodbye to everyone else in the kitchen and get in the elevator. After the doors close and no one can see me, I make a fist and punch one of the walls. I'm thinking about everything that Mama told me, and I'm sure there's a positive lesson in there somewhere, but I just can't see it. All I can think is how weak I am in comparison to everyone else. The people Mama told me about had way more challenging lives than me, dealt with way more shit, and still managed to somehow end up on top. Maybe they used some questionable methods, but who am I to judge them? The only issue I truly ever had was not daring to use the same shortcuts. But I'm pretending instead that I have superior morals and that I'm a decent human being.

Pathetic! And what about Mama? She took no shortcuts in life, always worked hard, and managed to retain her integrity and morality. She did everything I wanted to do, and she can hold her head high with pride as well. I'm not angry and sad because the people in my life want to abandon me. I'm ashamed because they're right! I wasn't supposed to let anything affect me today,

yet there are so many ways life can just mess me over. No matter how much I try to not care about anything or anyone, I just can't do it.

I step out of the elevator and look around the lobby. It's empty. I take a seat at my desk and check the clock on the wall. It's still pretty early. There shouldn't be any movement from customers for another hour or so. Right as I'm thinking this, the front door opens wide. I didn't even have time to calm down entirely, and now I'm forced to talk to people. I better get my shit together fast! I don't know if I can handle rude people right now.

Three people enter the lobby and start walking towards the front desk. Everything about them screams happy family. The mother and the father hold hands, walking at a steady pace, almost strolling through the lobby, while their child starts running around, touching and grabbing everything. Watching these characters puts a big smile on my face. The more I look at them, the more I realise how perfect they are. They seem to be the embodiment of happiness. Since they're standing right in front of me, I should probably say something and stop starring at them.

-Good morning, and welcome!

-Hello, good morning!

The parents answer at the same time. The child has no interest in pleasantries. He seems busy running amok in the lobby. It appears to be the type of family that can communicate without words, just by looking at each other. The mother walks over, ensuring the child doesn't break anything, while the father stays behind to deal with the housing situation.

I use this moment of silence to observe all of them better. I notice wedding rings on both their hands, so they are indeed husband and wife. The child, a boy, is around eight years old and resembles both his parents. They look so beautiful together, and I'm mesmerised. I have to be careful not to appear like a creep. Luckily, the husband breaks the ice and starts asking about the available rooms.

-We are interested in renting one of your rooms. Do you have a place that could accommodate all of us?

-Yes, sir. We have a few rooms spread throughout the hotel designed especially for families with small children. Yesterday we had many customers checking in, but I think I should find something pleasing.

-That would be great, because we are exhausted, and we would like to clean up and rest a bit.

-I understand. Here we go! I have a room free on the fifth floor and one on the tenth floor, which happens to be the top floor.

-Can you give me a few minutes, please? I need to talk the situation over with my wife.

-Of course! Take as much time as you need.

He walks over to his wife and some and starts explaining how things are, mainly to her. He picks up his son in his arms to make him stand still while they're

having this conversation. And it works like a charm. The child settles down immediately. I can't hear what they're talking about, but I just can't take my eyes off them. As I watch them quietly discussing their opinions, I get this happy feeling inside and don't know exactly why. In the last couple of months, a conversation this long with some potential clients would've annoyed the fuck out of me. I can't fake interest or think about something else. This perfect family I have in front of me has hypnotised me, and I'm waiting to see what their next move will be.

The one thing I never mentioned to anyone, not even to myself, is that I would love to have a family of my own. I'm surprised it didn't come up in the conversations I had with the other voice in my head. It's a tricky thing to it. Why I don't understand is how come I don't feel any jealousy towards them. Knowing myself, I should have many dark feelings brewing inside me, but their happiness disarms me.

They're walking back to the front desk, but the conversation doesn't seem to be over. And judging by the looks on both their faces, they haven't decided what to do. The husband still has the child in his arms, playing with him, and it appears that the wife will make the final call.

-Can you tell me a couple of things about the hotel's position and even about the city?

-Yes, mam, of course. Ask all the questions you need, and I will provide all the information I have on the matter.

-I prefer a room with a beautiful view over a lower floor.

-Then I would recommend the room on the top floor. It oversees the park, and the view is gorgeous, especially this time of year. It's a lot of green, plus everything is blooming right now. You can sense all the flowery smells from the balcony.

-Is the balcony safe for a small child?

-Yes. We take safety matters very seriously here. It should be virtually impossible for your son to open anything by himself or climb anywhere.

-That sounds perfect! We'll be taking that room then.

She walks over to her husband to tell him the news. Both of them seem to be delighted with how things worked out. She takes the child from her husband's arms and starts playing with him. Both she and the boy start giggling, and hearing that melts my heart. Observing them like that makes me zone out a bit, and it's the husband's voice that snaps me back.

-What formalities must we complete to rent that room?

-Nothing too complicated, my good sir. A few signatures and payment. Would you like to pay with credit or cash?

-I'd like to use my credit card.

-Of course. Before we proceed, I must see some form of identification, an ID card or a driver's license, anything. And if you have any documents for your son, that would be ideal.

-Isn't that a bit much?

-I understand it can be perceived as too strict, but we like having all our bases covered.

-That is probably for the best, to be honest. And I do have everything you require in my wallet. I'll hand the necessary IDs over to you in a second.

-There's no need to rush! We have plenty of time to get everything right.

-Here you go! I believe this is everything you need.

-Yes, sir! Thank you! How long will you be staying with us?

-We'd like to rent the room for seven days. There is a significant probability that we will extend our stay for another week after that. Is that ok?

-Of course! Just please let me know twenty-four hours in advance.

-Got it!

-I wrote everything in the and swiped the credit card. We're all right here, sir. All that's left is for you to sign on the dotted line.

-Done! Is this all?

-Yes, sir. Here are all of your documents back, and these are your magnetic keys. Enjoy your stay! And let me know if there's anything else I can help with.

-We'll do!

He takes everything back, then reaches into his pocket and takes out some money, which I assume had prepared to tip me. I look at him, confused as if I forgot how things work here. But I decide at this moment not to take the cash, maybe not ever again.

-I'm sorry, sir, I cannot accept your money. There's absolutely no need for it. I'm only doing my job. Do you need me to help you with your bags?

-No, no. We travel light so we can manage by ourselves. Thanks for everything!

He pulls his hand back, a bit embarrassed. I nod my head and smile at him to let him know that nothing inappropriate happened. He walks over to his family,

kisses his wife and son, and together start heading towards the elevator. I follow them with my eyes until the elevator doors are closed. Seeing such a beautiful family filled me with joy, but very fast, that turns into misery. I get very grim, and I feel like I'm sinking in a tar pit of desperation. My eyes get misty, and tears start rolling down my face.

-What's wrong?

I look around, trying to see who's talking. But there's no one in my vicinity. For a moment, I forgot that my life got so lonely that I made up a voice in my head, just to pretend somebody wants to talk to me.

-You need to snap out of it!

-What's the fucking point, man? I'll never know happiness like that!

-It's not too late! You're still young. You can turn this situation around!

-I'm going to die alone, and you know it! No matter what type of environment I end up in, things will never change for me!

Why is this happening every time I feel things will be ok? My heart is racing, and cold sweat pouring down my back. I want to wipe the tears off my face, but my hand is shaking too hard. Very soon, my whole body freezes up, and I'm unable to move. An attack this severe never happened during the day before. My knees give out, and I crumble on the floor. I manage to grab the desk and prevent

falling flat on my face. There's a small space under the table, and I crawl in there. I sit on the floor with my face on my knees, covering my ears with my hands, trying to block everything out. But there's nothing around me! I don't feel any eerie presence, nor do I hear any voices.

How do I snap out of this? I want to pull myself together, but I can't focus on anything. All I sense is fear. I'm terrified of everything that's out there. My only safe space seems to be under this desk. I hear the elevator doors opening. Or maybe it's just my imagination. No. I hear multiple footsteps approaching. At least two people are talking, but I can't understand them. I sit utterly silent because I don't want them to find me like this. I won't be able to explain this to anyone. If they see me like this, they'll think I'm crazy. At this rate, I'll inevitably end up in a mental institute. Or my panic will give me a heart attack and kill me. If I had to choose, I'd rather die!

I hear the footsteps of whoever is at the desk, heading away and walking out the front door. The lobby is dead quiet again. I have to take this opportunity and get out. I slowly pick my head and look around to see if the coast is clear. There's no one in sight. I get up and run to the restroom. I start splashing cold water on my face trying to revigorate myself. My reflection looks atrocious. Just ugly and disfigured, almost inhuman.

-What happened to you back there? I've never seen you like this! You came close to a total meltdown!

-Go away! Now is not the best time for us to be speaking.

-You have to talk to someone!

-Maybe, but not to myself, not like this! Nothing good ever came from it!

-Then let's get you some help! Call Tim and tell him to come back, and let's find some professional advice for you. We should go to the emergency room and ask for some investigations!

-They're not going to find anything wrong with me physically. I'm sure of this! I'll end up in a straight jacket in the psychiatric ward. And I'm never getting out of there!

-You don't know that! We have to try something! I fear this is a life or death situation.

-I said, no! Besides, I can't call Tim right now. He just left. I won't be able to explain why I need him to come back. My only option would be to tell him everything that's happened. I can't do that! He won't want a person like me working at this hotel.

-I thought you considered him a friend.

-I do. But this might be too much to handle, even for a friend.

-Why do you keep doing this? Why do you keep shutting yourself off from everyone in your life? You did it time and time again!

-Nobody likes me as it is! If people knew the thoughts that go through my head daily, they'd find me repulsive!

-That's all in your mind! You don't let people know you well enough to decide if they like you or not.

-Why is it always on me? If they cared about me, getting to know me shouldn't be that hard. But nobody does. I see that more and more every day.

-You couldn't be farther from the truth! Multiple people asked you if you're ok in the last three days because something seems off about you. What do you call that?

-That doesn't mean they care. Some of those people might've been more worried about my job performance. They were making sure I don't get sloppy. And that's why I can't tell Tim! I'll power through it and figure what's happening on my own time. Until then, I still have a job to do.

-Man, fuck this job! We have more important things to consider, like your sanity.

-I'll be fine. I already feel better, so stop worrying so much.

-You're saying you're fine into a mirror while talking to an imaginary voice in your head! What part of this is ok with you?

-It will , just like everything else. You'll go away too, and then I'll be able to make sense of it all. At some point, I'll look back at this time and have a good laugh about it.

-What you're saying is psychotic! The way your mood swings is very troublesome. If you don't want to talk to anyone, at least tell me what happened. For better or worst, just try to bounce some ideas off me.

-I don't understand what happened. Are you not aware of anything that goes on? You keep saying that you notice everything, so how about you enlighten me.

-I wasn't aware that anything was occurring. It looked to me like a typical morning. You were doing pretty well, considering what happened last night. Then all of a sudden, you started shaking and crying and crawled under your desk, terrified.

-Watching that perfect family got me in a state of depression I've never experienced before.

-What are you talking about?

-The family that just rented a room. The wife, the husband and the small child. They looked so great together.

-That's why you were mumbling about happiness and dying alone?

-Yes. Why else would I start thinking something like that?

-I don't know how to say this to you, but that never happened.

-What nonsense are you telling me?

-There was no one there. It was all in your head.

-No, that can't be! I talked to that family. I gave them keys to one of our rooms!

-What are their names then?

-I don't right now. But I just had a bad episode, so my brain is a bit scrambled.

-How do they look? You have to be able to describe them at least.

-I can't recall exactly. The wife was blonde, I think, and the husband was tall.

-Blonde and tall? That's the best you can do? You just described half the world's population. What about their clothes? Can you tell me what they were

wearing?

-No, I couldn't say.

-Take a deep breath and relax. I think I might be able to help with what just happened. But I need you to calm down first so we can have a reasonable conversation.

-You're wrong! And I can prove it! I wrote their names in the , and I gave them keys. That's it! I'll show you his signature and the empty key rack for that room!

I sprint back to the front desk with only one thought in my head. To prove that I haven't completely lost my mind. It could take too long to look through the , so I open the drawer where we keep the keys. They all have their own space, so it's easy to find. I go right to that spot, and they're all there. I pick all four copies in my hand and stare at them.

-I told you, but you didn't want to listen. You have to trust me, and at some point, let me help. There's nothing to gain anymore. I just want to see you make it through this! It's the only thing that matters right now! I promise!

-Are you telling me that I started to hallucinate?

-Maybe it's not so severe yet, but it looks like it.

-No, I won't accept that. There has to be another explanation. Tim probably made a few more copies! He likes to be safe like that.

-Did he make copies only for that room? The keys from the rooms you rented are gone. Why don't you go up and check that room?

-I can't just go and enter a room that has customers in it.

-You can always knock on the door first. You could say you were curious if the parents consider the room suitable for a small child.

-They said they're tired and need to rest, so they probably won't answer.

-That's not why they won't answer. There's no one inside to open the door. If this is the only way to get you to listen to me, then let's go.

I don't even reply anymore. I just head for the elevator. I get in and press the button for the top floor. My heart is beating very slow, and I can't even tell if I'm breathing or not. I'm not necessarily calm. It feels more like everything around me stood still. I don't even know how the elevator got to the top floor so fast. I lost all track of time.

I get out and start walking towards the room, but the closer I get, the more I lose confidence. My brain is functioning correctly again, and I realise now how unusual it is to lose all those details about my encounter with that beautiful family. I'm outside their door, but I can't find the courage to knock.

-Go for it! I promise you that nothing wrong is going to happen.

I can't have a conversation with myself right now. I can't risk anybody overhearing me. Eventually, I muster up the courage to knock but do it very timidly.

-You have to do better than that! Even if there were people on the other side, no one could hear such a soft knock.

I put a bit more effort into it the second time, and the sound echoes through the empty hallway. There's no reply from the side. I knock a couple of times more, but it becomes evident that no one will answer. I use the key and unlock the door. I press the handle and open it, but I hesitate to go inside. I don't know what I want more right now. If they're inside, it means that I haven't entirely lost my mind, but how will I justify entering their room unannounced? Too late to back off now. Whatever happens, I'll have to deal with it somehow. I step inside and look around. There are no bags on the floor, and nothing seems to be disturbed. All the signs point that this is a vacant room.

-It's like I told you. You won't find anyone in this room because that family doesn't exist.

-The wife was asking about the view. Maybe they're on the balcony enjoying the sights, relaxing after a long trip.

-You don't believe that. It's a desperate attempt that will only lead to more

disappointment!

I'm not paying attention and head for the balcony, looking for someone that probably never existed. I'm convinced that it was all an illusion, yet I must do this one last thing. I don't know what I'm hoping to accomplish. But of course, there's no one there. I feel stranded. I lean my forehead on one of the windows and close my eyes. I want to empty my head and get some mental clarity.

-What's happening to me? Don't I interact with enough strangers? Why would I create some more? Why have I not hallucinated someone I knew?

-Those are all fair questions. You may have no choice but to seek counselling to answer most of them.

-You said you might have an idea of what's happening. I'm willing to listen.

-I think you weren't precisely hallucinating. It was more a daydream that somehow slipped into your conscious perception. It's a bit like when you obsess over someone, and then you start seeing that person everywhere you look.

-Isn't that what a hallucination is?

-I don't know the correct definition, but I think they last a lot longer than what happened to you. You're under the impression that whatever interaction you had took a long time. But it's not the case at all. Everything was over in a split second, like a dream. It was so fast that I didn't have time to it happen.

-That's why you were so confused!

-I call it a dream because I have seen it before, inside your head.

-I don't recall having this dream. It does make a bit of sense, considering how obsessed I am with family.

-It's common for people not to recall what they're dreaming. After you fall asleep, I have a chance to watch some of your dreams. And lately, this is one of the most frequent and one of the few that doesn't terrify me! But I didn't expect it to escape your subconscious like this!

-Is this what I want? Or are you finally playing nice, saying all the right things because you have no other choice?

-It's probably your deepest, most burning desire. You wished this for so long but never addressed it. Instead, you suppressed it deep into your subconscious. And now it broke free.

-I'm not fit to form a family. I can barely take care of myself. I didn't know how to be part of my family, so I created an imaginary one!

-Don't say that! Under the right circumstances, you can still bounce back from this. Only a few weeks ago, you were on the right track!

-I don't even know if there's any more room for me to sink, but it feels like I'm in free fall right now. Why am I not in my own dream?

-What do you mean?

-If this hallucination is one of my biggest dreams playing before my eyes, I should play a part in it. Why don't I see myself as the husband? But all I see are unrecognisable faces.

-You just can't picture yourself happy. Maybe you feel like you don't deserve it.

-No one should have to put up with me. How can I form a family when I haven't felt like I'm part of a family in so long?

-You can still learn how to do it. You can try again to get together with your family. Tell them everything that's happening and get their advice. Ask for their help. It's ok to do that. You are trying to fight this battle on your own when you don't have to.

-I don't think they want anything to do with me anymore. If mom were worried, she would have called. Or at least tell someone else about her concerns. Since none of my family called to check in, I assume they think I'm still a dumb kid acting up. I can't even blame them for that. That's what they about me.

-I'm sure they have a lot of happy memories with you. I see some of those inside your head, but I can't bring them to the surface. Try and access some of them and the good times. It will do you a world of good.

-I can't. ing happy moments from my past only reminds me of what I've lost, and I'll probably never have again. It's just too depressing.

-You already have distressing thoughts. At this point, almost all the time, looming somewhere in the background. Balance them out a bit, find one of your happiest memories and grab on to it. You might be able to use it to pull yourself out of the gutter.

I close my eyes and lean my head on one of the windows, trying to focus on a happy memory. I can't do it. I'm in a feeble state of mind to focus that far back. What's sadder is that I don't when I was last happy. I don't know when's the last time I laughed. I know I had some good times in recent years, but they seem tarnished somehow. All the guilt and regret from my past covers them up and makes it impossible for me to access them.

I open the window to let some fresh air in, hoping that will help. I stick my head out the window and feel the wind on my face. I hear the wind blowing through the trees, and I close my eyes again. It doesn't help with finding a happy memory, but it does clear my head. Not in the right way, necessarily. I feel more like a leaf, scattered by the wind, with no control of my destiny. But my problems seem to be gone.

I'm scared to open my eyes. Once I do, I'm afraid that everything will come back ten times worst. Reality will strike again like a cruel bitch, reminding me

how worthless I am. But I must get back to work. Why do I care so much about this job? Sure it's important to have a job, and the economy isn't exactly booming in this town, but what if I have my priorities wrong? Do I care about the people I work with, or do they only remind me of my family? I don't know. Maybe they're just surrogates. I see many qualities in my coworkers that I used to ire in my family growing up. Did I stop valuing those qualities? Was I incapable to properly understand them? Or maybe I got blindsided by envy from an early age.

I don't know what to believe anymore. I doubt I'll be able to figure something out in such a terrible condition. I slowly open my eyes and look around me. I used to love the view from up here. It made me feel relaxed and safe, untouchable from all the world's issues. Now I just feel alone. I lost all appreciation for the small things. The more I look down, the more I feel like the ground is calling for me. Would it be wrong if I'd slip and fell right on my face? Is it bad that I don't have a problem with this thought? Smashing my head on the concrete would end all these questions and insecurities.

-Don't you dare think that! Close the window and get back inside!

-Why not think about it? It's a quick way out. Besides, no one would care. Who knows when they would find out and what they will say.

-Everyone will care! All the people you think about right now would feel this deeply, and it would break their hearts.

-I am curious about that. I can't find out if I crack my skull open, right?

-You can find all the answers! All you have to do is just talk to people! And you know it, and the people who hold the answers.

-Perhaps. But don't worry, I won't jump out the window. I'd hate for someone to feel guilty because of my action.

-You still care. Otherwise, you wouldn't speak like this.

-Of course, I still care! That was never the issue.

-Then how about you show it!

-Nobody wants that!

-Everybody likes it when someone acts affectionately towards them. Your problem is that you don't know how to show affection anymore. When's the last time you hugged your parents or told them you love them?

-I stopped after they stopped.

-They were only giving you some space when you started acting out. I'm sure your parents never thought it would last this long. But the first chance you got to move out, you took. And in doing that, you made the wedge between you even bigger. But it didn't stop there. I don't know if it was a conscious decision or not, but you started acting colder with everyone around you from that point

on.

-I thought it was for the best if I kept my feeling to myself. Most people wouldn't have understood anyway. They would've just thought I'm a cry baby. No one likes hearing a dumb kid complain about life.

-Maybe. Or you would've seen who your real friends are from early on. Or perhaps someone else in your group of friends would have similar thoughts and feelings. If you spoke up back then, it could have done a lot of good. And not just for yourself! You did have friends growing up. You experienced pure moments of joy.

-We were kids. We had no idea how dark can the world be.

-Those are the best kind of friendships.

-And yet most of us got scattered all over the world and know nothing of each other.

-It wasn't this easy to stay in touch back then. You could've still done it with a bit more interest and desire. Have you not wondered at least how some of those old friends are doing?

-You know I did. Maybe I did give up too easy on my childhood friends. But you cannot put the blame entirely on me. They didn't seem that keen to stay in touch also.

-I didn't mean it like that. I wasn't trying to point the finger at anyone. I was only hoping to make you feel a bit nostalgic, and maybe that would've brought up some happy memories. Not everything that happens has to be someone's fault!

-Not a lousy plan, but you were a bit too optimistic. It's going to take a bit more to alter my mood. If it makes you feel better, the worst has ed, and I'm ok again.

-I wouldn't say ok, functioning maybe.

-I'll take it. As long as everything appears calm on the surface, I shouldn't draw any attention. I'll be able to get on with my day.

-This can't work forever. The cracks will become too obvious to conceal. You know, it's ok to look back at moments of your life without trying to find someone to blame for what went wrong. Sometimes it's no one's fault. Life just gets in the way, and it takes a conscious effort for everyone involved to keep in touch. You changed a few circles of friends in your lifetime. It would be best if you had learned this by now and recognised those worth fighting for.

-I am the common link in all of this, so perhaps that's why I keep feeling guilty all the time. Or maybe I'm just a bad friend to have.

It's something I've never thought about before, but it rings true. Even the voice in my head was left speechless after hearing these words. Maybe I stopped being

fun to be around at some point. I rushed to become an adult, hoping people would look at me differently and show me more respect. Or maybe I was just trying to impress my parents and my siblings. But that was never the issue. I made it up in my head. I wasn't disrespected growing up or bullied. It felt like I always had something to prove. It affected me to the point where I was struggling to become someone I'm not. I was turning into the person I thought everyone wants me to be, and in the process, probably ruined everybody's good time.

I wish someone would've said something. I doubt I would have listened, but things might be different now if anyone addressed it earlier. Maybe I would've started paying more attention to the way my life is going. We were all young. Nobody among us had the social skills to have a conversation like that. But I guess people instinctively knew it's best to let me drift away. Or they noticed how much more fun they can have without me. Maybe I got a bit too preachy, and nobody likes that, including myself. Every time my parents sat me down to give a talk, I kept telling them I'm old or intelligent enough to make my own decisions. How wrong that turned out to be.

I still believe that the few good friends I had back then should've stuck around and try to pull me back in. I guess nobody wanted to deal with me that much. I was probably a pain in the ass. Or maybe I never had good friends growing up. It's so typical of me to make up excuses instead of taking responsibility. Perhaps some of my friends had issues of their own, and they were covering them up with alcohol and by partying too hard. I didn't notice anything or cared enough to ask. Why expect something else in return.

I don't have the brainpower to think about any of this stuff. I close the window, make sure I didn't disturb anything in the room, lock the door and head to the elevator. I'm not sure how much time has ed since I left the front desk unsupervised, but I plan to get back fast and bury myself in work. I'll pay attention to every customer who comes by calmly and patiently to get out of my own head and ground me back to reality. I stopped being a fan of my existence

probably a long time ago, but what's happening in my head is getting too dark and scary. I understand now why the voice in my head is worried and fearful. However, my main concern is that, lately, I find this darkness soothing most of the time. No one can see me crying and suffering in the dark, and I can stop pretending that everything is all right, and I have my ghosts to keep me company. At my most profound moments of sadness, weirdly, I don't feel alone anymore. I know it's all in my head, and it's not how a reasonable person should function, but I started to take comfort in obscurity.

I made it back to the front desk, and there's no one in sight. I take a look at the clock in the lobby, and to my surprise, it's still pretty early. I don't think more than ten minutes have ed since I went upstairs. I cannot believe how fast things are happening inside my head. My mind operates at one hundred miles per hour, racing from thought to thought, exploring different choices, seeking new possible opportunities. Still, inevitable, they all go to the same dead end. I find myself in the same dark place, lost, depressed, and alone, and I don't know how much strength I have left to continuously pull myself out of the gutter. I am slowly dying inside, and I desperately want to make everything stop, but I just can't do it. I can't seem to find anything to grasp and hold on to give me any sort of motivation. And it's not that I don't care about anything or anyone anymore. It's quite the opposite. I don't feel like I matter anymore. I've lost all sense of self-worth, and how can I expect that anyone else sees any value or has any consideration for me when I have lost all respect for myself.

The elevator doors open up, and a few customers start walking towards the front desk. They're all fresh faces and are probably part of the wave that got here last night. I put on a big smile and fully engaged them, decided to let go of all prejudice I had about any previous customers. I don't know any of these people, and I see no reason why I shouldn't be able to have a pleasant conversation. I'm already courteous to them because the job demands it, so why not genuinely get to know some of them. I don't expect to make new friends from such short interactions, I'm not that delusional, but maybe I learn to be a little more honest again. I wish I could tear down the walls of bullshit I surrounded myself with.

I try to stay interested in whatever the customers are saying, but I just don't care. I can fake a smile and answer all of their questions, of course, but there are no real emotions behind my actions. And everything is so repetitive that I'm amazed by how come I don't get annoyed. I guess it will all help the time, and that's all that matters. The way time es should be so important to me. It should have more meaning. I spend hours upon hours at this job without enjoying a single second anymore, and then I run home and hide under a rock. I need more people in my life, a wider circle of friends, a better one or any group of friends will do right now.

I should ask Tim to give me a spot among the kitchen staff. I'm not particularly thrilled to be a cook, but I'd be working with people I like. I don't know all of them that well, but I know I enjoy being around those I do. They're decent people, and we shared a few laughs over the years. By far, the kitchen seems to be the most fun place to work in. I'd be surrounded by people all the time, and maybe I won't get the chance to feel lonely. There have been multiple times when I walked into the kitchen, and I caught everyone laughing and having a good time. It's been too long since I've been part of an environment like that. It might be just the change of pace I need.

What I'm doing here cannot be considered a real interaction with another human being. I'm regurgitating the same sentences repeatedly for a few years. I recommend the same sightseeing places and restaurants. You can figure out everything in this town without ever having to speak to me. This day turns out to be very busy, and it seems like every customer has something to ask. The questions aren't original by any stretch, but at least they keep my mind on track. It does seem that most of these new clients are in town for the first time, so they're a bit more chatty than usual. It doesn't bother me, but I do struggle to catch a break. Every one of them that steps out of the elevator seem obligated to come by the front desk. I can't complain about this, and in a way, it does feel nice to get this much attention. It's a big difference between this group of customers and the last one I interacted with. They have more respect for the little guy, and they don't look down on me for working a regular job. I would even say that most of them come from a working-class background and understand how vital small jobs are.

I must it that my mood has improved drastically. Being showed respect and a bit of human decency has brightened my day. However, I will have to look for an opening and grab something to eat. I could use some cold water too. Luckily I can find all I need in the kitchen. All I have to do is make it there. I'm hoping that when dinner time comes, most of the customers will be in their room ordering something or outside at one of the local restaurants. But for now, all I have to do is have a little more patience. Even though I wouldn't have thought it possible, interacting with these people did help a lot today. At first, I didn't care what any of them were saying, but slowly they managed to stir up my interest. If I remain engaged like this for a few more hours, everything will be excellent.

The sun is starting to set, and all the turmoil in the lobby is settling down. It's already been a few minutes since the last customer was here. I will give it two more minutes, and then I'm making a run for it. I'll go straight for the kitchen and stuff my face with some food cause I'm starving. Everything is dead quiet, and I'm not waiting anymore. It shouldn't be more than ten minutes. I can feel getting a bit anxious, and I'm not sure if it's from the thought of leaving the front desk unsupervised or from hunger. But I have to eat. I can tell I'm getting a bit lightheaded. I worry over nothing. I don't anything awful ever happening here. I'm heading for the elevator, and I'm going straight for the kitchen.

I enter the kitchen, and I get the feeling that things are a bit tense. Everybody's running around, and it seems like they are struggling to keep up with the orders.

-Good evening, everyone! Is this an inappropriate time?

-Hey, Michael! Just take a seat somewhere, and I'll be with you shortly.

-Ok, Mama. If you want I can come back at a more convenient time.

-Nonsense. You have to eat something. I just have to make sure that everything is in order and ready to go fast.

-Do you want me to help you with something? Since I'm already here, it couldn't hurt if I learn my way around the kitchen.

-Not now, Michael. We're a bit busy, and a novice would only get in the way.

-Sorry, Mama.

I'm keeping my mouth shut because I don't want to upset Mama. I don't want to become a distraction and cause her any problems. I do, however, get a bit closer to the action. I make sure that I'm not in the way and quietly observe how they operate. All of them are focused on what they have to do. They only talk if they have to. Everything seems to be a well-oiled machine under Mama's close supervision. It's fascinating to watch, but I can't help but feel that I would only get in their way if I worked here. Somehow I would end up feeling ignored, and the thoughts in my head would take the same path as usual. Very shortly, I would start disliking everyone here and not consider that I might be the issue. In reality, I'm jealous of how tight this crew is. There's no room for me to squeeze in, and I would start complaining that I'm an outsider. Not to anybody, of course, just to myself, like I always do.

Maybe the voice in my head is right about leaving this place. Sure, some people here are kind to me, but are they friends? I can't tell anymore. I'm lying to myself again, but in reality, I probably forgot how friendship feels. I don't hang out with any of the people here after work, and maybe Tim and I went out for a beer twice since I started working here. And that was in the beginning. If I listen to my paranoia, it was probably a ruse so that Tim got to know me better and see if I'm to be trusted. It doesn't even seem that far fetched. But if that's the case, then I haven't made a single friend in over five years, probably more.

I walk back to the table in the corner and take a seat. I'm going to wait here until Mama frees herself up and comes to me. I doubt it's going to take much longer. I see many trays full of plates with food, and things are settling down in the kitchen. It seems like the only part left is the delivery, and Mama doesn't do that. The staff gets a bit more lively and starts gossiping. I think that the worst is over, and it should be smooth from here on out. I see Mama walking over with a plate in her hand.

-Here you go, baby. Sorry for keeping you waiting, but we had to run at maximum capacity.

-It's ok, Mama. I had a feeling that you were going to have a busy evening.

-Was it crazy at your end too?

-Yeah! Many new faces and a lot of people thought that I was also a tour guide. They had so many questions. I can't ever a time when I had to give so many directions. And people say that there's nothing to see in our lovely town.

-If you're the explorer type, I guess you can find something to see everywhere you go.

-I suppose you're right. But overall, it was good. It's better than getting bored the whole day.

-Yes. I have to it I enjoy a hectic day like this every once in a while. It breaks the monotony and keeps us on our toes.

The phone in the kitchen rings and disrupts our conversation. Mama walks over to answer it. Someone else probably wants something to eat, and I'll have to cut my visit short, which doesn't bother me. Who knows how many orders are about to come through! And it's best if I get back to my post.

-I'm sorry, Michael, we won't have time tonight for our usual chats. A lot of hungry people are expecting food.

-It's ok, Mama. I'll finish up quickly and get out of your way. I'm starting to worry a bit that things might get crazy downstairs too.

-Ok, baby. Leave the plate on the table after you finish eating. We'll grab it when we start cleaning up.

-Thanks, Mama.

She walks back to the cooking area, and I see her writing something down. It's probably the latest order. The phone starts ringing again, and by the looks of things, the staff will have a lot of work to do. I finish the rest of my food and get up from my seat. I wave Mama goodbye and get out of the kitchen. I make it back to my desk very fast, and it seems to be pretty quiet. Most of the customers are in their rooms eating. I go outside of the hotel to get some fresh air. There's a spot where I can stand and have a clear view of the lobby just if someone shows up. After a couple of minutes of not having anything to do, I start missing the commotion that happened during the day. Time es better when I'm not alone with my dark thoughts. Or maybe I'm desperately trying to connect with another human being out of fear of losing all touch with this world.

The silence doesn't last very long, and people start walking out of the elevator. I take my place back at the front desk to welcome every one of them. They all have a similar reason for wanting to get outside, going for a walk to enjoy the evening air after dinner. Of course, there will be those who wait to get dark and then go out to look for a spot to party. I've always found random parties trivial, but I do sort of miss getting together with a lot of my friends and having a blast. But those times appear to be so far away from me that I cannot reach them. I haven't received an invite from any friends for a random party or a special occasion in ages. I am genuinely isolated from all of them, or maybe they shielded themselves from me since I became such a mood killer. A little bit of both would probably be more accurate.

I have no idea how to get back inside their circle or if it's even a good idea. I do wonder if I come up in my friends' conversations at all. If that were the case, I would think that one would call or text me. Whenever I thought of calling one of them, I stopped myself thinking that I would only cause inconvenience. Maybe they don't consider me a friend anymore, perhaps we never were, or I should probably abandon the thought that I could reconnect with them and move on. But I'm so bad at making new friends. I wouldn't even know where to begin. Some would say that honesty is the best, but it will come across as rude if I'm too honest. If I open up too much, especially from the beginning, some will say that I'm crazy. There are such fine lines to everything, and I'm horrible at navigating between them.

It's dark outside, and it's getting late, and Tim should be here any second now. I catch myself yawning, and for the first time in the last few days, I feel tired the right way. I'm not mentally exhausted like before. It's my body that demands rest after a long hard day at work, just like it should be. The last of the party enthusiasts walk out of the hotel, and the lobby gets quiet. I see someone's headlights through the window, and I figure it has to be Tim. I can hear someone parking a car, and shortly after that, someone walks through the front door.

-Good evening, Tim! Are you feeling better?

-Hi, Michael. I feel great, well-rested and ready for a long night, hopefully like the previous one. What about you, how was everything today?

-Busy. I barely had time to eat. Not that I'm complaining. Time flew by today!

-Aren't days like this just the best?

-If half the days were like this, it would be perfect. No more, or I think that we would all die from exhaustion.

-Maybe. But luckily, we have just enough busy days to appreciate it. Did anything happen during your shift?

-Nothing out of the ordinary. It was smooth sailing all the way. There's

something I want to ask you.

-What is it?

-It's about the money you gave me. How come it was so much?

-Let's not talk about stuff like this at work. I'm not in the mood. Besides, you never had any issues taking money before. Don't tell me all of a sudden you feel guilty about it!

-It's not about guilt. I just don't want it to be sympathy cash. That's all.

-Call them whatever you want if it makes you feel better. Who gives a fuck?

-If you don't want to talk about it, that's fine. I did take the money, and that's on me. I could say that you convinced me to take the cash, but I didn't put that much of a fight.

-Listen, Michael. If you must know, I charged everyone double. I made sure that you got your cut because I have your back, and they needed to see that.

-I didn't think that was possible.

-Not for you, Michael, but what you said before, I am in control here.

-Well, at least I was right about something. I do have some good instincts left.

-Relax, Michael. I'm only having a bit of fun. I just have a different relationship with these customers, that's all.

-You know, Tim, if you want, you can tell them to show up exclusively on your shift. I have no problem with that. Fuck them and their money! I wouldn't mind not seeing them ever again!

- who you're talking with, Michael! What's going on? Are you saying that you can't handle dealing with some of our most important customers? Maybe this job has become too much for you.

-I can do this job correctly. You don't have to worry about that!

-You had a long day, Michael. Why don't you go home and rest and come back in the morning with a clear head? If you still want to discuss this matter, I'll be more than willing to do that.

-Yeah, I guess you're right. It's been a long day, and there's no point to drag it even further. I had a good day, and I would prefer not to ruin what's left of it.

-Great idea. Do you want to take my car?

-Nah. I enjoy walking home after a long shift. It relaxes me.

-It started raining outside. It's not heavy rain, but it's enough to soak you.

-I leave close by, Tim. And I have to change out of these clothes and wash them anyway. Besides, maybe this rain will clean some of the filth of me!

By the time I said that last part, I was already out the door. It was more of a whisper for myself. I should've probably never brought up the subject in the first place. It's not like I found some big secret, but I look at Tim now with different eyes.

-I guess nobody here is what they appear! I tried to tell you about Tim, but you didn't listen.

-Tell me what?

-It's no surprise that he can do whatever he pleases here. He fits in with this crowd flawlessly. He throws the word friend around a lot, and you bite it every time! But he's probably a master manipulator.

-Isn't that too much?

-Believe what you want. But know this! At the first sign of struggle at doing your job, he will have no problem replacing you. I doubt he'll even give you any warning.

-He always said that work comes first.

-Before friendship? You said it yourself. You're terrible at making friends. You've been fake for so long that you have no idea how to judge someone's character, but your instinct always told you something's off about this place and some of the people who frequent it. At the very least, some sort of extorsion is happening at this hotel. Nobody talks to rich, influential people in this town the way Tim does without having something on them. These aren't all my thoughts, by the way. You said it yourself that he probably does some dirty work for Mr Johnson.

-He covered up for some mistakes Mr Johnson's son made in the past, but that doesn't imply that he does or ever did all the things you say. You know what, how about you shut up! I have a few minutes left of my walk home, and I want to enjoy the cold air and the raindrops on my face.

The voice has become very docile lately, and I don't know if it's good or bad. Is it trying to work with me and help out, or isn't enough brainpower for the both of us? It feels weaker every time, almost dying out sometimes, which I ultimately want, but I can't allow myself to believe that this will end soon or without severe consequences. I'm just not the optimist type. I think today was a good day despite everything that happened in the morning. I'm getting more and more used to being on the verge of a complete collapse. It started happening every day now, and it's hard to believe that I'll be able to ride it out every time. Eventually, it will knock me out, and I won't be able to get back up. I am aware of that, but luckily I don't have anyone close to me to see me crumble piece by piece day by

day.

I get inside my apartment and lock the door behind me. I used to feel safe when I did it before, but now I felt trapped inside with a monster. I turn on all the lights trying to scare the shadows away. But that's not the issue. It's the darkness in my mind that's terrifying. I get some cold water from the fridge and look for something to eat. I'm not that hungry, but maybe I'll sleep better with a full stomach. My phone starts ringing, and it catches me off guard. It startles me a little. Who could it be at this hour? I can't think of a single person who might want to talk to me.

I pull the phone out of my pocket and look at the screen. Seeing the name of the person who's calling puts a smile on my face. It's Mary! I know she said she'd call, but I didn't expect to be this soon. I completely forgot about it. My heart is beating faster and faster, only at the thought of hearing her voice. It's so evident that I still have feelings for her.

-Hello?

-Hey, Michael! It's Mary.

-I know. I recognise your voice every time. How are you?

-I'm all right. I just got home from work and can't decide if I'm hungry or not.

She starts giggling softly. I missed hearing this sound! I always loved her laugh, but I don't ever telling her that. I want to say to her now, but it would feel fake and inappropriate. I should've made her laugh more.

-What about you? How are you doing?

-Same as you, Mary. I just got home, and I was staring at the fridge. I don't find anything appealing inside it.

-You have plenty of delicious food at work, so you can't complain.

-That's true! Maybe I'm used to being treated with delicacies, and I'm throwing a tantrum.

-It's ok. We all have our quirks, I guess. Anyway, Michael, this isn't why I called. I thought about what we last discussed, and I believe it's best not to see each other right now.

-Why? I just wanted to talk. I would've explained myself better!

-I'm not sure if those explanations were for yourself or me, Michael.

-What do you mean?

-All I know is that you've hurt me. After everything we had when I think of you, I can only the pain I felt when you broke my heart.

-I'm sorry, Mary! I'm so sorry for hurting you!

-I believe you. And I know that you truly loved me.

-I did. I still love you.

-As I love you. But I still have to do this.

-No, you don't!

-What you feel now is guilt. Your explanations would only put that guilt on me. And I can't deal with that right now. I'm still healing, and I can't risk you opening back my wounds.

-Ok, Mary. Do everything you must do.

-Once I'm all healed up, maybe I'll better analyse and understand what you want to say. Perhaps we'll see each other then. It's the best I can do. I must put myself first to avoid suffering like this again.

-Hurting you is my biggest regret. I would take it all upon myself if I could. Maybe in a way, I already did. I hope one day you'll be able to forgive me.

-I wish I could tell you now, but I'd be lying to you and myself. I don't know what else to say to you at this time.

-It was so sweet to hear your voice one more time, Mary! Thanks for the call!

-Goodbye, Michael!

I lower my hand and let my phone drop on the floor. I wanted to reconnect with Mary so bad! She was also my biggest hope. Now I can say that there's no one left. Were my mistakes that bad? Is there no forgiveness for me? I'm not an evil person! I just made some bad decisions. If someone would've listened to me, they would understand that, but instead, they just cut me out of their lives like I'm some sort of cancer.

I go to the bathroom to wash my face would cold water. My eyes teared up a few minutes ago, and I'm surprised I held it together so far. I guess when you're a pessimist, you take bad news better. I wash my face and take a long hard look at myself in the mirror. All I see is an empty shell whose soul just died tonight.

-Everything will be alright!

-Shut up!

-Mary just needs a bit more time. She still feels love for you, and once she heals and is ready to trust again, she will reach out. You'll see! Just hold on a bit more, and we'll make it through this!

-I told you to shut up! And don't you fucking dare mention Mary's name again!

-You can scream at me if you want. It's ok. Let it all out!

-I hate you! This is all your fault! You could've said something sooner! You saw what was happening. You should've done something about it!

-I was powerless to do anything. I tried to warn you for a long time, but I was too weak to break through to you.

-Fuck you! You waited so long so you can watch me crash and burn. Do you enjoy watching a spectacular car wreck, you piece of shit?

In a blind state of rage, I punch the mirror, breaking it. Many glass fragments end up in the sink. Now I can see multiple reflections of myself. It feels like an entire audience is making fun of me. But there's something about the way the light shines from the glass. It puts a thought in my mind that was unthinkable until a few hours ago. But this is the second time it appears today. A long, sharp chunk of mirror catches my eye, and it's almost calling my name. My hand is shaking, but I reach and grab it nevertheless. The sharp edges of the shard pierce my palm, and blood starts pouring into the sink. I pick it up and press it against

my throat. Just one quick slice, and it would all be over!

-Stop it, man! It's not the way to fix things! Think of all the people that care for you and how sad this will make them!

-Do you mean all the people that want nothing to do with me? I'm doing this for them. This way, I'll be out of their lives for good, and soon they forget all about me! It's better for everyone!

-What about Mary?

-Stop mentioning her name!

-She's the last person that spoke to you. The guilt she'll feel if you do this will devastate her. Haven't you hurt her enough?

-This isn't about her! It's not fair that you bring her up!

But the voice inside my head knows me all too well! Hearing these last words make me lower the glass shard from my neck. It did leave a small cut, but I can always say it was a shaving accident. It's not deep, and it doesn't seem to bleed that much. It's a whole different situation with the gash in my palm. The second I let go of the piece of mirror, more blood starts spilling. I wrap my hand in a towel and grab something from the kitchen to clean all the fragments. I pick most of the more significant shards and then vacuum the rest. I wouldn't mind stepping in the glass, but I don't think it will have any effect on me. Even the cut

in my palm doesn't seem to hurt. It only made a big mess. Or maybe the pain I feel inside can't be covered.

I clean the blood in the bathroom and throw the towel in the tub to soak in cold water. I wash my hand and pour some alcohol on my wound. Now I can feel a sting that reminds me that I'm still alive. How disappointing! I wrap my hand tight with bandages to avoid leaving a blood trail everywhere in the house. I don't feel like showering tonight. I'm not hungry or care for anything else other than sleep. I get in my bed and try to find a position to sleep in so I don't get blood everywhere. I don't know if it's from the blood loss, but I fall asleep immediately.

The morning sunlight hits my face and wakes me up. I look for my phone to check the time, but I dropping it in the kitchen. My right hand went numb, and the fingers look a bit blue. The bandage was too tight. I unwrap my hand and start moving my fingers to get the blood flowing. The cut appears horrific, but it doesn't bleed that much anymore. It does, however, hurt badly. At least I'm able to feel something, even if it's a pain. I should be able to manage it better since it's only physical. I go into the bathroom to take a shower. I try to avoid using my right hand as much as possible, but I still get soap in the wound. The burning sensation wakes me up. I tend to the cut and make sure to wrap the bandages looser this time.

I'm heading now to the kitchen to check the state of my phone. I pick it off the ground, and it seems to be working just fine. I have almost two hours until I have to be at work. I should make some coffee and try to eat something. Before I finish this thought, I get a text message. It's from Tim asking me to show up early for work. I let him know I'll be there in twenty minutes. I wouldn't concern myself if something awful happened. It's not like the fate of the hotel depends on me. Tim's in charge, and the rest of us are just working bees. It's not like he needs advice or listens to any of us. He just needs everybody to fall in line.

I put clean clothes on and get out of the apartment. I make sure that I wrapped the wound the right way, and I can't get any blood on me. I have to think of a lie on my way to work too. I'll just make it sound as stupid as possible, and knowing Tim, he should start making fun of me instead of questioning it too much. The road to the hotel appears to be shorter every time I walk it. I guess I spend so much time in my head lately that I don't notice it at all. It feels like I just left the house, and I'm already only a few feet from the hotel.

I see the entrance to the hotel and notice a pretty blonde girl smoking outside. She seems to be in her mid-twenties, and there's something familiar about her. I don't seeing her in the previous days, so I doubt she's one of the customers. Maybe I just have a thing for blondes. I say good morning as I her by while entering the hotel. There's no reason I shouldn't be polite to her. She answers with a short hello but looks at me a bit strange. I would say a bit flirty. Since it hasn't happened to me in some time, it feels a bit odd. Everything becomes clear once I notice who's inside. That's her angle, playing on the line between being polite and flirty, to see who bites, hoping for a big fish, of course. For a brief moment, I almost felt good about myself.

In the lobby of the hotel, I see Tim talking with Mr Johnson's son, Junior. The pretty blonde outside is with Junior and has him wrapped around her fingers. Good for her! We all have to do what we can to survive. Both of them see me walk in and are waiting for me to get closer. There's a severe vibe in the air. Tim breaks the silence first.

-Morning, Michael! Thanks for showing up so fast.

-Hey, Tim! Good morning, Junior!

Junior decides to take over the conversation and let me know what's going on.

He wants to show everyone that he’s in charge. It's all useless peacocking, considering we all know what a fuck-up he is. It sucks having to play along with him!

-As of today, I am the new manager of the hotel. I want to inform you that you don't fit in with the plans I have for this hotel going forward.

-Did you just give me the two weeks notice?

-Actually, I want to make the change effective immediately.

-Did you call me here two hours earlier just to fire me? You should've said it in the text, and I'd still be in bed right now.

-I prefer to do it like this. Some positions in this organisation need restructuring, and we feel that people would be more comfortable if a girl would work at the front desk.

-Are you replacing Tim and me with a girl?

-Of course not! Tim plays a vital part in the way things run here.

Tim decides to step in and take control of the situation. He can tell that Junior has no idea how to handle things, and he's trying to minimise the damage. But most of all, I think he wants to be sure that I stay in line, just like always.

-Listen, Michael. Junior wants to try something else, and we will trust that he knows what he's doing.

The blonde came back inside, and she's walking towards Junior. As she es me by, she shrugs her shoulders and whispers something. I think she said sorry, but it wasn't in a genuine way. It distracted my attention for a second, and now I turn my head back to Tim to listen to the rest of the bullshit. Junior is standing behind Tim, and I can observe both of them very well.

The resemblance between them is stunning. I can't believe I didn't see it before. It can't be a coincidence. I just didn't know where to look until now, but it all makes sense. I'm sure both Tim and Junior are Mr Johnson's sons. That's why Tim can afford to act the way he does with everyone. It wasn't bravery. It was the arrogance you get when someone powerful has your back. I lived my entire life in this town, and I'm probably the only one who has no connections.

-Are you listening to me, Michael?

-No, I wasn't listening, Tim. I was processing something in my head. What were you saying?

-Go home and think of this of a vacation. If something happens and you're needed, I'll get in touch with you.

-Do you mean after the hot blonde fucks up, you'll call me back to minimise the mess?

Tim grabs me by the arm and walks me outside the hotel. He has the attitude of a friend who tries to calm me down so I don't cause a scene and embarrass myself. But I know that's not the case. It's more him asserting dominance and showing he's in total control. I yank my arm out of his grip angrily.

-Take your hand off me, Tim! I'm not some ragdoll that you can just move around as you please!

-You're not rational, Michael. Consider this like having some free time and try to enjoy yourself. I'll see if I can move some stuff around and find a way to get you back here. In the meantime, don't too far and stay close to your phone.

-You don't get to chase me away and also tell me how far I'm supposed to go. I'm not your fucking dog!

-Fine. I'll make sure you get the rest of the money we owe you. Good luck with finding a job in this town. Now get the fuck off my property!

-Well said, your property. I just figured you out and learned your secret. I know now where you get the balls to treat everyone the way you do. You're not brave or honest! Talking to me about how I shouldn't let various things affect me! But you're way worst than me. You've been envious of the same people I was your entire life. You hate the fact that no matter what you do, they'll never consider you one of them. You'll never be anything more than Mr Johnson's bastard son.

Tim grabs me by my jacket and clinches his fist. I can tell by the expression on his face that my words stung him. It feels good to be on this side of the interaction. No matter how high and mighty people think they are, there will always be ways to hurt their feelings.

-Are you going to punch me, Tim?

-No, I don't want to get sued.

-With the connections you have in this town, it will never come to that. Besides, the Tim you pretended to be wouldn't have cared about it. I guess it's hard to act all tough when the mask is off.

Tim shoves me away and gives me a strange look. I thought I would see anger and hate in his eyes, but it feels more like he's disappointed. I feel bad, and I have no idea why. Why? Why am I always the one who regrets when things go wrong?

-Go home, Michael! You're not welcomed back here ever again and lose my number!

-Well, fuck you and fuck this whorehouse you call a hotel!

Tim's already back inside, and I'm standing outside by myself, screaming into thin air. I turn and walk away from the hotel one last time. All of a sudden, the distance back home doesn't feel that short anymore. I feel like I'm walking in

place, never reaching my goal. I have lost everything in the last three days, and now I'm heading towards the same empty apartment. I have no idea where I'm going from now on or what I should do next.

Financially, I'll be ok for two or three months, but I still need something to do. For the past fifteen years, ever since I finished high school, I've always had a job. It's been part of my identity for so long, and I thought it would turn me into a responsible adult. But it didn't. I haven't matured one bit after all these years. It's no wonder people still treated me like a kid for so long. I've learned nothing from my experiences, and I'm pretty sure that everywhere I went, I've thrown a tantrum of some sort. Even though this can't be true, I have no one around to blame, so all the guilt weighs down on me.

I could go on a vacation, but I can't see any point in it. I was never big into taking trips, or at least that's what I kept telling myself. I thought having fun might be too irresponsible. I never understood that one could learn and grow through having fun as well. How else are you supposed to know what you like in life or where your ions lie? But I'm not going anywhere at this moment. I don't have or learned to make friends. I'd just end up feeling lonely in an unknown place. I can very well feel miserable at home without the hassle of travelling anywhere.

I'm close enough now to see my apartment, and it feels like I'm approaching a tomb. Maybe it's because I never knew how to turn it into a home. I also have this weird craving to smoke out of all things. Perhaps I should go and buy a pack of cigarettes just to take the edge off a bit. But I how much I despised this habit. It wasn't for me at all. I never found it relaxing or enjoyable. The taste of the first cigarette in the morning always made me feel like throwing up. Just the thought of it makes my stomach turn. Out of all the wishes I have, what a peculiar desire to pop into my head. I guess this is something I could accomplish, and I wouldn't feel like such a loser! I became a specialist in achieving goals that don't matter. No wonder I ended up having nothing.

I enter my apartment, and it feels strange being here when I'm supposed to be at work. I have no idea what to do with this time. I didn't take most of my vacation days in the years working at the hotel. Once I was given the option to take the money over free time, I did that. If I don't have to worry about the financial aspect, I'll move more freely. Who knew that, in reality, I was trading my freedom.

I don't even change out of my work clothes. I just take a seat on the couch and turn on the TV. I have no idea what I want to watch, so I channel surf. I don't care much about the news, and I don't have any favourite shows. I hearing friends talking about TV shows and movies and how dumb I thought it was. But it was a sweet escape from reality for a few hours. It wasn't actually that I didn't like movies or shows. I just started acting like I'm better than everyone else.

It's been hours since I'm home, and I haven't found anything enjoyable to watch. I get off the couch and try to find something to eat. I have food in the house, but I just can't bring myself to eat. I take a sip of cold water and go back to the couch. I leave the TV on a random channel and throw the remote control away from my reach. I try to focus on what's playing and distract myself a bit, but no luck. Instead, I fall asleep.

It's dark outside when I wake up, and I need to turn some lights on. I don't know if it's a strange coincidence, but my watch shows the exact time when I used to get home from work. I guess my biological clock is fucking with me. The question is, what do I do all night? I doubt I'll be able to sleep anymore. It's not a good time to sit alone in the dark and let my mind wander. However, I do wonder how things went down at the hotel today.

-You were too harsh on Tim today!

-I genuinely forgot about you! What do you want this time?

-You took too much pleasure from being mean to another human being!

-I thought you didn't like Tim. And you were saying how I need to change my line of work. You hated that hotel. Now you got your wish!

-It was more to it than that.

-I finally stand up for myself, and instead of congratulating me, you criticise?

-It didn't look to me that you were defending yourself. All you did is let out all of your frustrations on a friend.

-Friend? You were calling him a manipulative asshole yesterday! Now you changed your tune again.

-This is the last time I'm telling you this, but I have no control. All of this is your doing. Your insecurities make you change your opinions all the time. The only thing I do is bounce the ball back. You do whatever you want with it.

-So what you're telling me is that I'm talking to myself like a crazy person?

-Exactly!

-Well, then stop talking to me, and I should be all right.

-You're not paying attention. You're doing everything wrong. You go back and forth between liking then disliking someone, between happy and sad. In reality, you only hate yourself. Tim's been nothing but good to you, and you had no right to lash out at him like this.

-He acted like that because I was great at my job!

-Do you think that you were the model employee of the hotel? You were just a guy doing his job, nothing more. He taught you the ways of the hotel and had your back when it mattered. But because you're so weak, you hate people that can make it on their own!

-You saw what I saw, Tim's Mr Johnson's son. I would say that made his life a lot easier!

-Do you believe that Tim had it easy? Everyone knows that he grew up without a father, but that's not the case. Tim had one. He just wasn't allowed to go near him. He never played with his father growing up or had the chance to ask for advice. And he probably had to be the man of the house from an early age, and he probably handled that too. You're just jealous that Tim was able to maintain some sort of relationship with his father despite all that while you burned so many bridges!

-That's not only on me! And why are you defending Tim so much?

-Because you feel bad for hurting his feelings! Which would be the sign of a decent person, and that's precisely what you want to be! How can you fail so much at it is beyond me! Especially since you suck so much at being mean! Why do you think that Tim didn't hit you?

-He was scared I was going to expose his secret.

-You keep forgetting where you live, idiot! There are no secrets here! Just because somebody like you doesn't hear everything doesn't mean that word doesn't travel around! Your words hurt him! It's hard to notice how other people feel when you’re too busy feeling sorry for yourself!

-How is this my fault again? What they did was humiliating.

-Tim was trying to help out. He saw you got mad and was hoping to reason with you. Little did he knew that you only snap on those closest to you.

-That's not true! I do sometimes lose my temper and blow up, as you say. At some point, I've just had enough. What happened today to me was unfair!

-True, but it wasn't Tim's fault. The one thing everyone agrees on about Tim is that he's fair. He got between you and Junior trying to protect you, which you never did in your life.

-What's that supposed to mean?

-You never defended someone in your entire life. And the only people you ever snapped at or stood your ground, as you put it, were friends or had the potential to be friends. Do you how many jobs you had?

-I don't know, too many to count probably.

-Don't you find it weird that you didn't remain friends with anyone from previous workplaces?

-At this point, not really. I understand what you're trying to say. Nobody pushed me out of their lives! I drove everyone away through my actions! When anybody needed me the most, I acted indifferently! Except that's not true! I did listen to people and tried to help the best I could! Maybe I didn't always give the best advice, but that's not because I didn't try! It was the best my dumb brain was able to do! Perhaps I've listened to too many people and thought that all were friends. When all of them were gone, I took out all my frustrations on whoever was left close to me. My real friends and family!

-You always followed the same path, and yet you didn't see it! And after brief moments of anger, you fall into deep sadness. Can you pull yourself out of it one more time?

I head to the kitchen, and I'm not sure why. It's like I'm in a trance, and my legs just decided to go that way. I look around for something, but I can't figure out what it is. I open one of the drawers, and now I finally understand. I grab the sharpest knife I have and leave the kitchen. I thought about this twice already in

the last twenty-four hours. This time I seem to be sure about it. I take off my clothes, go to the bathroom and climb inside the tub.

-What are you doing?

-You know what I'm doing.

-I understand.

-Are you going to try to stop me this time too?

-I was never the one stopping you. Every time you were the one who found a reason. I was only here for the ride, and this is my last stop. I do believe that both of us just lost all hope.

-You didn't agree with me on anything, but now you decided to be ive? Indeed, you aren't real, are you?

-I told you many times I'm not real. You were falling apart so bad that manifesting me was the only way for you to cope. In all honesty, I'm surprised you lasted so long.

-But why all those games? Why string me along? Why even show up in the first place?

-None of that was my doing. It was all you. You needed someone with a different way of thinking. All of your beliefs started crumbling in front of you. You tried to make sense of it all, and you did put up a good fight. But in the end, I think this was unavoidable for you.

-Is this why you're here? So I'm not alone in my final hour?

-No one should go alone through something like this. Since you felt like you have nobody else, you manifested me.

-What a horrible imagination I have. Why couldn't I create something more likeable?

-I am a reflection of yourself. You saw me exactly how you see yourself, ugly and weak! All the pleasant things you once had inside you are either dead or buried way too deep ever to surface again. For what it's worth, I do believe that you tried to make it through this as hard you could!

-You're probably right. I wish I could say it was a pleasure to meet you, but I hate you! Because I am you! I guess I should thank you for sticking with me for this long. One last polite gesture I'll make. Now I’m sure this is the last time we talk! Thank you and goodbye!

Despite the deep cut in my right palm, I have no issue gripping the knife's handle firmly, pressing the blade against my left wrist and slicing it wide open. I rest my hand on my thigh and watch the blood swirling down the drain. I never imagined

that this is how everything would end for me, alone in a cold bathroom tub, bleeding out of my wrist, waiting to die. I wish I could erase myself from existence altogether, but that is not possible. I dreamed I would accomplish great things in this life and leave some sort of legacy behind, but I never managed to figure out what I wanted. After all this time, the only thing I'm leaving behind will be my disgusting corpse, and to whoever may find it, I sincerely apologise.

I should've stopped everything I was doing years ago and analyse how my life was going. Deep down, I knew that I was heading nowhere. I guess I didn't want to it to anyone that I have no idea what I'm doing. I still had family and friends I talked to back then, but I felt I had something to prove, and I couldn't let them know I made so many wrong choices. Pretending that I know what I'm doing became more important than the truth. At least I can it it now. I wish I could talk to someone. Not to hold my hand and pity me but just to provide some explanation. I destroyed so many relationships of all kinds that I have no right to lay this burden on anyone.

Who could I even dare call? My mother, my father, my sister or my brother? What about Tim and Mary? It's too late to patch things up, but one of them should hear I'm sorry. I won't make it out of this alive, and I don't expect them to forgive me, but I would love to hear one of their voices again. Still, I can't put any of them through this. The news will break them enough as it is. But I would sure love to hear my mom call me baby one more time. These thoughts trigger many memories, almost like my subconscious mind is replaying the movie of my life. I guess my preservation instinct kicked in, and it's desperately trying to save me.

I lay my head on the edge of the tub, close my eyes and observe the flashes in my head. I wonder what they will show me. I'm curious if any happy memories could surface right now. I struggled to find any of them myself, to no avail, but I wouldn't mind going out with a smile on my face. The images slow down, and I'm able to focus on one of them. It feels like I'm there, reliving everything one more time.

I'm ten years old, and I'm outside playing with my best friend. We used to run around the entire town. I see his face clearly, but I can't his name. Maybe it's not essential to the story, or perhaps he represents all the friends I used to have. I felt closer to him than anyone else. We were inseparable. Until one day, he showed up to the playground sad. He told me his parents found better jobs in a remote town, and they're moving out. I told him that it would be ok to come live with us. My mom wouldn't mind. I couldn't wrap my childish mind around the fact that he has to go away too.

I felt so sad when I watched him leave. We had so many plans together, and sure, they were kids' plans, but they were sweet and innocent. We promised each other that we would call every night at eight o'clock. We didn't have any cellphones back then, but we managed to talk on our landlines. It didn't last long, of course. Neither of us knew that talking wasn't free. Or cheap, for that matter. I don't which of us missed the first night, but I know I'm the one who started making up excuses why I can't be around when he calls. I wasn't outside playing! It took me a long time before I made any new friends! But I still knew all the neighbours and didn't lack kids to play with. Still, the sadness I felt when he left soon turned to anger, and I guided it towards him.

I resented him for leaving and abandoning me. I felt betrayed and alone. I never considered how hard moving was on him. His parents took him away from everything he knew and forced him to move to another town without any friends. He must have been terrified. It was the moment when he needed his best friend the most. I was the one who betrayed and abandoned him. The first promise I ever made in this life was towards him, and it's also the original promise that I broke. I know my thoughts cannot reach you, but please forgive me, dear friend.

Tears are pouring out of my eyes. I've identified the first mistake I made in life, and, tragically, I made it at such an early age. I didn't get close to anyone for a while after that. I hated seeing my siblings surrounded by friends. It's not easy growing up with two older twins when you don't know how to behave. Four

years apart were difficult for me to process, and I didn't understand that they were starting to mature and slowly moving away from childish things. Despite all that, both of them were so sweet and protective of me. I my brother used to take me everywhere with him. He didn't care that everybody was older than me. He could tell that I'm starting to close off and tried his best to get me to open back up and have some fun.

Things changed a bit when my siblings started high school. They had more homework and seemed to enjoy what they were studying. I could say they found their ion early on. But every time I needed something, they always dropped what they were doing and tended to me. None of them ever pushed me away. We were attending different schools now, and I was on my own. If I acted like I don't need them anymore, everything would be less painful for me. It's strange how everything I was doing was to get their attention, but I behaved like an impertinent little shit when I got it. By the time I was twelve, I had started skipping school and acting like I hated it. I figured since my siblings like school so much, I go the opposite way. I loved reading books so much, but I couldn't do that anymore because it didn't suit my newfound persona. Everything was a cry for help, and when that help came, I spit back in its face. Even though we lived under the same roof, I was already missing my family, and I never allowed myself to tell them.

The worst period was when I started high school. With my brother and sister out of the house, I turned into a real asshole. Everybody at school knew what good grades my siblings always got, and I could feel a lot of pressure to be like them. I didn't dare to it that was what I also wanted all along. I could see how everyone looked at me, so I used to have a chip on my shoulder. But I put on an intimidating front. I started smoking, drinking beer, and I was hanging out with the problem kids. Luckily everyone fell for it and didn't call me out, or else I would've gotten my ass kicked throughout high school. My brother realised what I was doing and explained why and how wrong I was, but I told him I don't need his advice! I was a man! Yeah right! The fifteen years old kid who pretended to be a man is now a thirty-five years old man crying in his bathtub like a little boy! How poetic!

Why do these memories still hurt so much? And the worst is yet to come. I'm fifteen or sixteen, and I'm coming home real late. I was out with my group of wannabe bad boys, drinking and smoking. It's probably two in the morning when I got back in the house, and my mom was still up worrying sick about me. She was on me the second I got through the door.

-Michael! Where have you been?

-Out.

-What do you mean out?

-Just like you heard. I had some stuff to do, business to take care of, you know, grown-up shit.

-Don't you dare talk in front of your mother like that! You haven't earned it! And it's too dangerous for you to be outside at this hour. There are bad people out there!

-I'm not a kid anymore, Gina! I can take care of myself!

-What did you just call me?

-That's your name, is it not?

-While you live under my roof, you will show me the proper respect and call me mom!

-Or else what, Gina? Are you going to kick me out and be the family you always wanted to be?

I seeing tears in her eyes, but I still didn't stop. I was determined to push it to the extreme and show the world what a badass I have become. Who cares that all my loved ones were getting hurt? The most fucked up part of it all was watching her like that was breaking my heart! I was only acting out, trying to grab all the attention. I didn't mean a single word, yet she'll never know it.

-As soon as I'm old enough to get a job, I'll move out of the house, and you'll never see me again!

-You're lucky your father isn't home to hear you speak like this!

-What would he do about it? Beat me up?

-How can you say that, Michael? He never did anything like that! I wouldn't have married him if he would've been that type of man! I don't know what's gotten into you lately, but you need to snap out of it! No one here is trying to hurt you! I will never let anything like that happen to you!

-Whatever. I'm tired, and I'm going to bed. Good night, Gina!

Instead of hugging her and say I'm sorry, I decided to throw one more jab at her. Why couldn't I let her have the last word? It was just her and me at home that night, and I the sound of her crying echoing through the house. Neither of us got much sleep, and the following day was very awkward. We barely spoke to each other, and there was no eye . It was a school day, and she was making breakfast for me, and every time she caught me looking at her, she would avert her eyes. I told myself that she was disappointed in me and that she could stand my presence, but that was a lie. Every time she looked at me, she got sad, ing all the harsh things I told her. She felt she failed as a mother when, in reality, I was the one who disappointed all my family, as a son and as a brother.

Out of instinct alone, I grab the edge of the tub with my right hand, reopening the cut in my palm, and try to pull myself up. I'm now bleeding from my palm and my wrist, but I don't care. I will make it to my phone and call my mom to say I'm sorry. I will beg her forgiveness, tell her how much I missed everyone over the years and how much I love them if it's the last thing I do. She needs to know this from me, but I'm scared to tell her directly. Once she realises what I've done, it will crush her. But I need to get my message across. I don't care what most people will think, but those that matter need to know the truth. I don't know if I can take away their sadness, but I can at least take away their guilt. All of them have to know I am the only one to blame!

I can't fully stand up, but I somehow manage to climb out of the tub. I have lost too much blood, and I immediately collapse on the floor. I am too weak to walk, but I will crawl on all fours until I get to my phone. It should be in my bedroom, and luckily I left all the doors open. I leave an enormous trail of blood behind me, but that means nothing right now. I see the pile of clothes I undressed in the hallway, and I that I never took the phone out of my pocket. I better be right about this because I'm about to blackout, and if I don't find my phone there, I won't make it back to my bedroom. I made it to the pile of clothes. I grab

my shirt and wrap it around my wrist. It won't change the outcome, but at least it will buy me a few more seconds with my mom. I find the phone in one of the front pockets and take it out. The screen is so bright that I can't look at it. I can't see what I'm doing, but my hand instinctively dials something. I don't know if I can stay awake for much longer. I hear ringing and someone on the other end picks up. The voice that picks up on the other end is familiar, but it's definitely not mom.

-I told you to lose my number! -Hey, Tim. It was an honest mistake, but since this might very well be my last phone call, I want you to know that I'm sorry. -Are you drunk, Michael? -I was mean and wrong to tell you all those things in the morning. I should've paid more attention and noticed sooner. If I were a better friend, so many things could've been different. I desperately wanted to believed that I'm a decent person. But forgot to show it when and to whom it mattered the most. -I'm not in the mood, nor do I have the time for this conversation. -Time is running out, indeed! I hate having to put this burden on you, but I doubt someone else would be able to handle it. I'll start by saying I understand now how hard it was for you to grow up the way you did. You had to work for your father just so you get the chance to be near him. If I would've taken my head out of my ass sooner, I could've been a better friend, the friend you deserved. Forgive me, Tim, for what I did and what I'm about to put you through. -Of course, Michael. Why don't you swing by the hotel, and we can figure everything out. I'm here for you, buddy. Please don't do this to me! I think Tim has finally realised what's happening, and he's making a legitimate attempt to help me, to save me. And here I thought he was going to hang up on me the moment he heard my voice. He's a much better person than I ever was! I've disappointed so many good people along the way, but at least this is the last time!

-Please tell Mary that none of this is her fault. She was nothing but kind and loving to me, and I'm grateful for every moment I got to spend with her. I want her to fully enjoy her life and be happy. I can't think of a single person who deserves happiness more than Mary. I take some comfort in knowing that I got to tell her how much I love her one more time. -You can tell her all of this yourself! -It's too late for that. I made sure of it when I repaid her love with pain. Besides, I'm too ashamed of who I became to ever look Mary in the eyes again. Knowing this already makes this life not worth living anymore. -That's not entirely up to you, Michael! There are plenty of people who care for you a lot and want you in their lives! -All of them are better off without me! I can't maintain consciousness much longer, but I still need one more thing. Please tell my mom I regret making her cry that time. I'm sure it happened more than once, but she'll know what I mean. It was the time I became an asshole, and we had our first actual fight. You have to tell her that I didn't mean a single word! Not one! I was a stupid kid who took a wrong turn in life. This is all on me and no one else! And tell my mom I love her, I love all of them! Forgive me, Tim! In a perfect life, I would've loved to be your friend! I failed you in this one. Goodbye. -Just hold on a bit longer, Michael! The ambulance is on its way, and I'll be there in less than a minute! Do you hear me, Michael? Hold on! Michael! Michael!

THE END.