When Death Knocks On Your Door: Care Partners In Oneness 443q54

When Death Knocks on Your Door

Care Partners in Oneness

Myriam LaVoie

We are deeply grateful for the wisdom and grace of the people who gave us the privilege to accompany them on the threshold of their Ultimate Transition.

You have inspired our heart and soul more than you could ever imagine.

It is with gratitude that we are transmitting some of our invaluable teachings and intimate stories to the ones who are and will be travelling on this journey.

May these experiences bring you Hope, Peace, and Love.

The stories and names have been modified and often narrated in the first person in order to maintain confidentiality.

In this document, the generic use for a person refers to both the masculine and feminine genders which are mutually inclusive.

Table of Contents

1.When Death Knocks on Your Door

2.Awareness and Conscious Presence

3.The Greatness of Oneness Practising One Presence in Daily Life Manifestation in Oneness

4.Accompanying the Dying from Your Sacred Space

5.Comion is a Quality of Being

6.Time Is a Precious Commodity

7.Joy and Happiness

8.Practise, Practise, Practise

Take a Short Break Take a Longer Break: Conscious Breathing Centering and Grounding with Self-Awareness

9.Communication Goes beyond Mere Words One More Question Clarifying Our Perception What Would Your Answer Have Been?

10.Transformation and Freedom in Relationships

11.Conscious Gifts of Transformation It’s Never Too Late

12.Tools for Transformation Visualization: Healing with Love Sunset Ritual Healing Method: An Inner Dialogue How Do You Feel Right Now? Tell Me More Stillness

Journaling Automatic Writing Affirmations Dream Interpretation Self-Help Resources Ho’oponopono Mantra I Am Love Reminiscence Complementary Therapies

13.Self-Care and Self-Love Help Yourself First and Then Others Self-Care Assessment Self-Care Commitment Today, I Take a “Me” Time Being on the Receiving End One More Thought for Carers Community Resources—Reach Out My Carer Network My Carer Network List What Can You Do at the Dying’s Bedside?

14.Transition—The Time Has Come Finding Freedom and Peace

15.The Tapestry of Our Life: A Legacy

16.Final Words Recommended Readings List of Story Time Endnotes

Chapter 1

When Death Knocks on Your Door

Story Time

He was choosing his words carefully, wondering how we would react. My mind was ready to explode. Come on, spill it out. We know it’s cancer. Let’s get it over with.

Of course, I’m aware that this thought reflects my needs only. I can deal with it, but events were unfolding way too fast for him. He had no time to process what was happening to his body, a body that had been forgiving his carefree living up to now. This is a new territory for someone who has never been sick. He didn’t want to hear it: Physicians always find something wrong with you. You’re better to stay away from them. His attitude was: look away, close your eyes, and everything will be fine. And now the ground was dissolving beneath his feet; he was falling into a surreal world. These past six months had sent him on a wild ride of emotions, carrying his entire family along. His sickness profoundly strains the daily life of everyone.

I have travelled down this road before, professionally and personally. Once upon a time, I found myself at the doors of a ive palliative care unit with butterflies in my stomach and huge fears and doubts: Am I able to work in this environment? Can I meet their expectations? After a few weeks, I was at ease in a world that most people don’t even want to hear about. It became natural to accompany people during their last transition. My every word, gesture, and action became permeated with tender loving care. I have been deeply touched by the dying, their families,¹ and their close ones.² I have heard countless stories and witnessed endless suffering and tears, obviously, but also love, happiness, and grace. I have observed relationships deepening as each moment became more precious: It may be the last time. I have learned invaluable lessons such as to engage in genuine reconciliation with significant others before it’s too late. Knowing that death is imminent, it becomes imperative to find completion and peace, not only for the dying but for the living too. Doing so gives them a chance

to ease the grieving process and to live with a lighter heart and spirit in years to come.

I have learned the hard way that self-care is a priority and precedes countless responsibilities. It is crucial for everyone involved in accompanying the dying. Caring for others requires a healthy body, mind, and spirit. Sooner or later, we get caught up in endless struggles, one crisis to the next, or simply in the routine that demands more and more time and energy for months and even years. Ignoring or neglecting self-care brings us to the point of exhaustion. It’s like swimming against the current of a fast-moving river; draining our most precious energy of which every ounce is ed for to keep our head above rumbling waters. Then one day, we wake up burned out wondering how it happened and why we forgot to take care of ourselves. There is a time when we must make choices between what is essential in daily “busyness” and what we need to let go of: it becomes a matter of surviving.

Surviving? In time, we need to go beyond that stage. Surviving means making sure our basic needs are fulfilled in order to simply remain alive. We need to get out of that mode and jump into a living mode, which is to enjoy and savour every moment that is given to us now; to take time, even if it’s limited, for our personal interests. It means maintaining good health and wellness of our body, mind, and spirit. We need to share and integrate our experiences, knowledge, and expertise to better our lives. We need to reach for and connect deeply with our care partners while accepting and showing appreciation for their services and . What does “care partners” mean? Who are they? I’m using this expression in an inclusive form and in a larger sense as they come in unexpected shapes and forms. Care partners encom all people who are involved in the care of the close one: family , friends, and significant relationships; medical teams at large; and community carers³ such as neighbours, visiting nurses, pharmacists and other professionals, volunteers, service animals, and so on. Their goal is to serve as One team with love and comion for the highest good of the person in transition. Care partners are interconnected as One Spirit, One Heart in Oneness. They are on standby and ready to answer the call throughout the journey. Each and every one plays an essential role in every task, action, and skill in the accompaniment from sitting at the bedside, driving to

appointments, or istering treatments. We choose them and they choose us too. Be open to accepting offers to serve you. As a friend texted me one day: “Call me anytime. If I can’t help you, I will gather a team for you.” It was such a relief to read those words. Knowing that help is at the tip of our fingers is enough to boost our energy to carry on a little bit longer.

When death knocks on our door, we find ourselves in a space that I name “the threshold,” wondering how to answer the call. What is on the other side of that door? Do we choose to fight, flee, or welcome it calmly? Suddenly, our life turns into turmoil with decisions to be made, constant changes to negotiate, treatments to go through…We must face the music and go with the flow: the sooner the better. The threshold can be scary, too scary for some. It can bring back memories of a time too painful to face again or too recent, as the scar isn’t healed yet. It can be overwhelming at times. We don’t know how long we will stay in that space. It could go on for weeks or months; for others it can be years. It’s unpredictable even if the prognosis is clear: it’s not written in stone. New treatments and medications give us hope. The person’s willpower might modify the course. Hope becomes a lifeline. For some, it means having enough time to prepare for the Ultimate age, while others wish to see their new grandchild. Living becomes more intense when the clock is ticking. The threshold serves as a space to lighten up our Inner Being. It impels us to mend, forgive, and bring clarity in our relationships as best we can within the present situation. The heart of transition is a space in which we are called to develop more comion, love, and gratitude. It’s an opportunity to better oneself as a person living an unpredictable spiritual experience.

“Hope is the oxygen that we breathe.” Peggy Deschambault

In this book, I want to transmit experiences, invaluable knowledge, and insights gathered from patients and their close ones who have been there. The stories are about real people we have attended over the years. Their legacies are an inspiration and a beacon of light in the unknown. They will bring you guidance,

hope, and in moments of despair and imbalance and when you feel the ground dissolving beneath your feet. They will answer some of your questions: the “why, what, who, when, how” on physical, psychological, emotional, and spiritual levels. Stories are a beautiful tool to share experience and wisdom, to understand the underlying message as they tap into your subconscious mind for guidance and understanding, to awaken your inner knowledge that applies during transitions. From generation to generation, elders have used stories to transmit their wisdom so their children and grandchildren would learn and . Their wisdom is already deeply ingrained in your DNA as part of your ancestral legacy.

In addition to my stories, I’m sharing numerous teachings witnessed by personal and professional friends and colleagues that will empower you and make you feel more confident with people who are looking for your . You will find useful guidelines tools, and resources that will be of help when death knocks on your door. I aim to empower you in trying times, enhance your confidence in stepping forward in the tasks ahead, motivate your curiosity in acquiring more knowledge in how to serve and what to expect, guide you in making the best choices in what you want and don’t want to experience, and offer you indications on how to help each other. There are no quick-fixes or specific recipes for accompanying the dying, for it is a unique journey for each individual. Everyone has their own personality, values, and beliefs. Life experiences and relationships vary within social and cultural context. But there are some similarities. You must assess the situation, find out the person’s needs, and navigate from there in preparation for a meaningful transition.

You will also find brief synopses of the experience of people who had a glimpse of what to expect in the afterlife. After witnessing countless transitions, there are no doubts in my mind that we are going to a better place: a place of joy, peace, and love. Most often we are greeted by deceased close ones in the next phase of our Soul existence. Skeptics like me have been won over many times.

This book isn’t meant to be exhaustive. Many authors have brought their own

perspective on transition. You will find some references that will answer your inquisitive mind and help in your search on specific dimensions of the subject. Once you have acquired more knowledge, learned to quiet your mind chatter and follow your intuition, you will be able to better trust your inner wisdom and go deeper into this ultimate experience.

Chapter 2

Awareness and Conscious Presence

“Awareness is the power that is concealed within the present moment. This is why we may also call it Presence. The ultimate purpose of human existence, which is to say, your purpose, is to bring that power into this world.”

Eckhart Tolle⁴

To live this moment with our whole being—body, mind, and spirit—means to bring our attention and intention to the ever-changing reality in this moment, and to discipline and let go of our thoughts by focusing our wandering mind in this evolving situation. It means being aware of and deeply engaged in what is happening in the now in this experience or challenge without expectations, concerns, or worries. It means freeing our mind from the past and the future: what happened last month or years ago doesn’t have to take over the present; and future plans or concerns are not there, yet.

Living this moment is an opportunity to slow down by focusing your scattered energy back into your physical body right at its center, in the core of your being where love, peace, and wisdom reside. Staying centered in the midst of daily living is quite a practice. The most efficient way to do so is to stop for a moment, close your eyes, and take a deep breath. Be still and welcome what comes up. Be aware of your present thoughts, sensations, and feelings. Gather all your thoughts to focus on what is in this moment and what needs to be changed for your next step. The more you practise, the better you stay connected with your inner space, with who you really are here and now. Keep an open, clear mind without attachments or emotions that are not related to the actual reality. There is only you and your breath harmonizing with your surroundings. This practice can be done while waiting for someone, riding the bus, before a social event, or family gathering.

Sitting at the dying’s bedside in conscious presence means to be in this moment in the space between the two of you. Being aware in the moment helps you to provide better service so you can hear, see, and feel what the other really needs without making assumptions. When you don’t know what to say, take a deep breath, observe, think, and choose your words; or keep mum. What people need is someone to listen with understanding and an authentic presence. They need a genuine witness to their most profound life experience. Your loving and healing presence can light up the space in an unpredictable way. A comionate gesture, a loving word, or a whisper of forgiveness makes a big difference. Your communication will be totally different when you have a loving heart and undivided attention rather than a distracted and worried mind filled with fleeting

thoughts. You already have the necessary tools within you to care for others. You can use your tone of voice and the right words, listen with your eyes, ears, and undivided attention, open your heart with comion, and pay attention to nonverbal language as well as verbal cues such as facial expressions, tones of voice, posture, or eye . It takes practice to be able to do it automatically. No worries—you will get better at it with perseverance.

Live every moment with trust and confidence. As you know, changes will unfold perhaps with their solutions so your present worries will become useless. A new day will bring its unexpected gifts, and you may receive better options than you could ever imagine right now. New challenges are waiting for you around the corner. Welcome the unknown. Things may look dim…and suddenly, there is a small hope or good news that brings a sense of happiness. It may take the form of the announcement of an unexpected result or gain; perhaps a new child in the family. Take the time to celebrate, share the joy, and create new memories. This precious moment will never come back. Savour every second of it so you can integrate it into your memory bank.

How do carers live in the moment when their life turns upside down? That’s the question. It’s easy to say “Be in the moment” when life is smooth and pleasant. It’s another story when despair and anxiety hold you tight or when the ebbs of the Dark Night of the Soul drain your energy like a container with a slow leak. Being consciously present is a daily practice hour by hour and sometimes minute by minute. It may take huge determination to change your mind and feelings from despair to humbleness, angst to comion.

Once upon a time, I had never heard of the concept “being present.” I didn’t practise having an open mind, heart, and spirit. I knew how to give tender loving care: it was the motto of the day. Thanks to a colleague, I have learned three priceless lessons to apply while caring for a dying patient:

1.Be aware of my inner feelings before entering his space.

2.Transform my thoughts and attitude, as he can feel them. 3.Serve with comion and love to improve our relationship.

Story Time

What Is Your Secret?

This gentleman knew how to get the worst of every staff member. He knew how to push our patience to its limit. He thrived at watching us hold in our frustrations, as good professionals know how to do. He rang his bell ten times an hour even when we were right beside him answering his present need. I noticed that when he received care from one nurse in particular, he was pleasant and calm; he never manipulated her. She would even walk out of his room with a smile.

“Why is he so nice to you? What is your secret?” I asked.

“Well,” she said, “I like this man. I never had any problem with him. I enjoy his company.”

I was so surprised by her answer. What was I missing? Is it possible that a little love on my part could change his behaviour? If I can’t feel any love for him, I can surely find some comion for his suffering. Being aware of my own feelings and attitude was a must. First, I had to drop my professional shield and be authentic. I was now committed to a new practice: to connect with my Inner Self and find a path from my heart to his.

“Being love” is very easy with lovable people, but it’s another story with someone who jangles your nerves and triggers your emotions. This highlyeducated and intellectual man was locked in his physical body. He didn’t have much control over his life, so he had developed a sarcastic attitude toward the staff. He was a great teacher in his own way by manipulating our weakness. This man expressed himself exquisitely, which was intimidating for someone learning a second language. He quickly sensed this and enjoyed correcting my French

and English, in a harsh manner, many times a day.

“Okay is not a word.”

“Whatever we conceive well we express clearly, and words flow with ease.”⁵

Touché! His daily lessons lasted three months. I made it a point that no matter what he threw at me, I would practise filling my heart with comion while displaying a genuine smile…well, most of the time. My change of attitude had a ripple effect on our relationship. It brought more harmony and kindness to both of us. I am thankful for his tutoring.

We can develop a comionate state of mind by welcoming people’s struggles without judgment, expectation, or control. In doing so, our understanding of others at the heart level gives them a chance to release their affliction. But first, we need to be aware of and begin observing our own inner feelings and attitude so they don’t create obstacles to our receptiveness. As an example, if we feel emotionally troubled, we might have difficulty communicating effectively. It’s important to be aware of our weakness and accept who we are with our own issues. That way we can connect with our comionate inner space that will help us to stay centered and grounded within it. Only then are we capable of an authentic service. In other words, it’s only when we begin expressing comion for ourselves that we can convey comion to others. You will find more details on comion in chapter 5.

“Love and comion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive.” Dalai Lama

Every person has something to teach and possibly even more at the end of life. The lessons might come in the form of words or examples: going “the extra mile” to deal with a relationship; spending more time with family; refusing unnecessary treatments; or demanding meaningful activities. Listening to their life experiences is an incommensurable gift and provides the greatest rewards during stress and uncertainty. The dying may have learned to balance joy and sorrow, dealt with humongous difficulties, and navigated through the known and the unknown. Not taking the time to pay attention to their stories is a missed opportunity to harvest priceless pearls of wisdom that can guide us through our own lives. An old proverb says, “Whenever an old man dies, it is as though a library were burning down.”⁷

Stay still, observe closely, refine your listening, reflect, and integrate their teachings. You are learning from precious experiences as the situation unfolds, one word at a time, one step at a time, one action at a time. Don’t interrupt what this person is saying out loud or interpret its meanings. If you catch yourself doing so, stop! Ask yourself: To whom am I listening: him or myself? Is my attitude serving his need or mine? Let go of your little self or ego in that moment; get out of the way. By staying still and calm, you will notice another perspective. In that state of mind and heart, knowing how essential every moment is, you are helping the person to empty his mind. You might be the only person who is truly listening to him. You could be his only and last chance to release his doubts, questions, and even his hurts and suffering before transitioning.

To Be with this person, you need to connect with your inner voice: ask for guidance and inspiration. Learn to Be still in this endless moment. Listen to your heart: can you hear its beat and its whisper? What does it want? What else does it say? Listen deeply. Listen to your breath: pay attention to the air coming in and out. Listen to your body and observe the flow of its movements or the tightness of its muscles. Relax your muscles, bones, face, eyes. Am I tired or frustrated? If so, you might be impatient or exasperated. Focus your attention on what is going on in the Inner Self. Check what you need to let go of in order to

be fully present. Take the time. Am I with this person? Am I trapped in my own needs and discomfort? Observe your emotions: are they too raw or running too high? Just breathe in and let them go like a breeze on a summer day. Be still! Be grounded in your breath, strong in your body, soft in your heart, gentle with yourself. Nothing else exists. Check your gut feeling, and sense what is needed for the next step. Be open and ready to receive guidance because it’s coming in one way or another.

Well now, how do you know if this approach really works and makes a difference? Do you have proof? To answer these questions, let’s follow the story of a volunteer unaware of the effect of his own anger.

Story Time

A Miracle in the Making

The teenager didn’t seem to be aware of her annoying attitude. She was slamming the cupboard doors on and on. She’d reach for a cup and slam. She grabbed the coffee canister and slam again. Where are the spoons? Two drawers banged closed. Emmett couldn’t take it anymore. He was wondering what he could do. What could he say? He was aware of how difficult it is for this young woman whose father is dying, but does she have to make so much noise? After all, a palliative care unit should be a peaceful sanctuary. Her father was in emotional turmoil too. He was never satisfied no matter when or how he was served: the food was too cold, his coffee too hot, staff not fast enough. Emmett had reached his limit. He needed help before exploding in anger himself. He decided to talk to the coordinator—at the very least she would listen to him.

Emmett arrived in my office ready to blow up. His red face and eyes told me I better brace myself…again. Spontaneously, I grounded myself and filled my heart with love. I took a few deep breaths with the intention of accessing and engaging my inner wisdom and intuition. I had a feeling I was facing a serious situation. This meeting would be especially challenging since this volunteer had anger issues. His heart was so loving: patients, family , and staff had only positive comments about his work, but we never knew when and how he would be triggered. He would wisely release his emotions behind closed doors, often in my office. And here he was.

Emmett began by describing the situation. He didn’t understand why this father and daughter were so angry. He felt helpless in facing their behaviour. His frustration was building up.

“I can’t go into the kitchen or into that room anymore. I’m done. I will let the staff deal with them.”

How could I convey gently that they were a mirror reflection of his own state of being without provoking more sparks?

First, let’s bring awareness into this difficult situation. Knowing the family history, I began by asking questions with timely pauses to calm him down a little and give him time to reflect.

“Have you seen a mother figure in that room?”

“Do you think this teenager may be scared and wondering what will happen to her without her father and possibly no significant others in her life?”

“What about her father? He may feel the same way.”

“Who is going to look after his daughter?”

He considered my words in silence. Then, my inspiration kicked in. With much diplomacy, I explained how his anger amplifies other people’s anger; how being comionate could transform the room’s atmosphere. The time was ripe to suggest a tool to bring inner change: a meditation adapted to his spiritual beliefs.

“Emmett, you know your anger is not helping them. This family may feel it subconsciously, which provokes even more anger in themselves. Are you willing to try a different approach? Before you go back on the unit, spend some time in the chapel asking God to release your frustration just for this afternoon.

Visualize your heart being filled with love as much as you can imagine. Pray God will fill your Being with love while you are serving the dying. Take time to do it and feel it. If you can’t feel it, that’s fine too. Just trust it’s there and place the intention to stay connected with it during your tasks. Once you are ready to return to the unit, and before entering any room, take three deep breaths and reconnect with your loving heart. You don’t have to go back into the father’s room, but if you choose to, do it within your inner space of love. Will you try this exercise?”

Later, Emmett arrived in my office in a state of shock.

“Can I talk to you? You won’t believe it. A miracle just happened. I followed your suggestion and went to the chapel and prayed to let go of my anger and fill myself with love. I took my time, about twenty minutes. As I was walking back to the unit, I heard a bell ringing: it was this very patient again. I felt a surge of anger exploding in me. I was going to burst into his room with frustration. But before entering, I caught myself in time and stopped. What am I doing? I can’t go in with this anger. Then, I ed to take three deep breaths and reconnect with this feeling of love that took me so long to attain. I chose to be at service within my heart. A few seconds later, I entered the room, walked toward his bed, and the miracle happened. As I was approaching, the patient reached out his hand to me and said, ‘I see God through you. I see God through you.’”

Emmett was shocked. He took the father’s hand as he sat down close to him and calmly listened to his worries about his daughter, his imminent death, and much more. The volunteer stayed in his heart space with undivided attention. Everything else disappeared. They were One in that moment. It was a miracle in the making.

“When we dare to show up and be fully present, grace and wonder and mystery start to appear,

even in the midst of pain.” Mark Nepo⁸

It’s a privilege to witness such a miracle. This patient and volunteer brought exactly what each one needed for their healing. Emmett became more attentive to his own emotions and their effects on his surroundings. Now he knew how to serve from his heart versus his mind, to shine his inner love in any future encounters. This was a valuable teaching he would cherish for the rest of his life.

This story illustrates how the dying can sense you. The volunteer’s meditation practice made an impact on both the patient and himself. By staying centered and grounded, freeing the noises of his mind from past and future, he was creating a Sacred Space in which the dying was given an opportunity to go deeper within for his own transformation. The patient could feel the love energy from the volunteer’s core—the energy that permeated his mind, heart, and spirit in this precious moment. The love energy is transmitted to the one who welcomes it in his Being, consciously or subconsciously. As in this story, the volunteer began some inner healing that in turn gave the dying man an opportunity to begin his own healing. We can imagine it had a ripple effect on their relationship. Furthermore, it could have eased his daughter’s grieving process and prevented additional suffering in her future. The father recognized the volunteer’s embodiment of love. Emmett didn’t have to say anything, he just had to Be in a state of Conscious Loving Presence. He chose to change his attitude and connect to his inner love.

To arrive at this state, you need to acknowledge and release your emotions. (Read Finding Freedom and Peace, chapter 14) Repressing or denying them doesn’t help you or others who will feel them anyway. Once you are ready, let them go; then you can engage in a genuine communication with kindness in a heart-to-heart space. Clear attention and intention of Being within your heart change the flow of energy. Trust that it’s happening. Just Be, and Spirit will come through you, within you, and around you. It will carry you with Its everpresent guidance while in service. The real you will shine through. The dying

can acutely feel your state of Being. Their senses and perceptions are heightened and attuned to everyone who enters their Sacred Space. It’s like their energy field is expanding and encoming the whole room. They can pick up your own energy of kindness or resentment, harmony or turmoil, love or fear, and so on. They know when you are happy, sad, or angry even when you try to hide it. Masks come off as they see people just as they really are. This knowledge is essential to be aware of your thoughts, words, and actions; to be authentic and trustworthy. Transform your state of Being in order to bring the energy of love, truth, and lightness they most need at this time of their journey.

Chapter 3

The Greatness of Oneness

We are Oneness. This is one of the biggest secrets many of us discover. Everyone and everything is interconnected and interdependent, but here we are, living our life feeling lonely and even thinking there won’t be any end to it. If we could change our perception just for a few minutes, we would discover that all living things are part of an infinite web of life. We are much more than our body, mind, and spirit. But what does Oneness mean? Let’s see how we can understand this concept and integrate it into our daily life.

Each particle of everything we see and don’t see is part of One. As demonstrated by Pim van Lommel, this grand cosmic existence is interconnected from its tiniest particle to its most grandiose universe.¹ As an illustration, think of a single drop of water in the ocean. This drop cannot be separated from the other drops. Every drop is an integral part of the ocean; each drop is the ocean. The ocean and its rivers are both interdependent and mutually ive; nourishing the earth that nourishes us. The planet is sustained and influenced by the solar system: the sun, the moon, the planets. No one part can be separated from the other. The galaxies are interrelated and affect one another to form the infinite universe. Since we are part of the earth, we are also intrinsically part of the universe. It’s larger than what the human mind could ever conceive of.

This grand cosmic existence is also described as Pure Consciousness, Pure Love, One Presence, God, Pure Spirit. Whatever names we want to use in our personal spiritual belief or non-belief system, formal or informal religion, faith, tradition, or creed we adhere to, we need to we are interconnected with one another and we influence each other. We are drops of Consciousness that are connected to all like a gigantic cosmic wave. What we think, what we say, and

what we do permeate All That Exist just like ripples on water or butterfly wings that trigger space waves of energy. This interconnectedness, which is the Essence of our Being,¹¹ is flowing within and around you and me. We are together no matter the distance, situation, or state of our body/mind/spirit. In Oneness, the “Me” and “I” disappear in “We,” “Us,” and “Together.” The small self disappears into the larger Self. Oneness is all there is.

I am One with every human being; I am One with you, you are One with me. We are one thought, one mind, one spirit,¹² one living Being of Love reaching for joy, happiness, and abundance. We are interconnected by the fabric of life that binds us. Every living thing is part of the Consciousness. My presence is interconnected with your presence. Your Soul is interconnected with my Soul because we are One. We are interconnected with everything in a way we can barely imagine or even explain. Knowing we are part of the same cosmic experience—that neighbours, strangers, and close ones are all in the same boat— helps us open our heart-mind to be more comionate and accepting of who we are with our grandeur and challenges. It helps us be kinder with each other, starting with ourselves. It affects the way we interact with those who show up in our lives. What we do for others, we do for ourselves. What we do for ourselves, we do for others. Everything we are and everything we do matter in the immensity of Oneness.

“True spirituality is also to be aware that if we are interdependent with everything and everyone else, even our smallest, least significant thought, word and action have real consequences throughout the universe.” Sogyal Rinpoche¹³

Imagine receiving love and comion directly from the Source and trusting that healing is completed in an instant for whoever is open to receive it. In One Presence, miracles happen. It shows up in moments of true love and true comion in acts of kindness, in being together, sharing, ing, and motivating one another. While I’m holding your hand, my vibration can touch you if you are open to it. It’s your choice. While resting at home, your vibration continues to be within me as long as I want to receive it. Oneness expresses itself through a soothing voice that suggests a solution to a dilemma, sometimes even before you ask the question. Oneness expresses itself in a warm, genuine smile, the song of a bird at dawn, autumn leaves dancing in the wind, a feather floating to your feet. Oneness is expressed in the loving presence of carers, professionals, family, and friends. Your experience alters in subtle or obvious ways all life, everywhere at all times. Your Being is striving to regain balance and harmony and to open the flow of the One so It can shine and be shared with all sentient beings.

You may not always see that shining Light. At times, it is clouded by fear, shame, hurt, deception, and betrayal. It can be hidden behind thick walls of protection against illusive or real enemies. You may have snuffed It out like a blinding candle flame. You may have denied your light or repressed it to avoid people’s judgment or intimidation. You may have discarded your feelings. But how has this state become a way of living? A newborn child slowly learns that the world around her is divided. The young body and mind integrate separation from others and often unworthiness that has been transmitted for eons. Much later, as an adult, she has to learn how to change her perspective and reconnect with her true essence. Imagine the difference of having been raised knowing that you are and always have been Oneness. Wouldn’t it have been ideal to live with kindness and love in your thoughts, words, and actions within a world of like spirits? In the meantime, allow the healing process to take place and release issues that have been lying within for too long. As you are healed, you allow others to be healed too.

Transforming ourselves transforms others. It begins by reconnecting and loving the deepest part of ourselves as is and by giving ourselves the permission to heal our lives. Reconciling the body, mind, and spirit sets us free. It’s an experience

of letting go of resistance and judgments, dissolving differences, separations, and resentments. Transforming our awareness of who we really are is crucial. Only then can we transmit the flow of love and comion that comes through us in moments of peace and stillness.

Story Time

Brahms’ Lullaby

An agitated resident wanted to jump out of bed. She was too weak to stand on her feet and could injure herself, so her nurse asked me to sit at her bedside and watch over her hoping that she would somehow calm down.

As soon as I was approaching, she would become fearful and more agitated. Holding her hand wasn’t an option. By trial and error, I noticed that I had to stay about two metres from her. So, I sat on a chair, respecting her space. What else could I do to calm her down? Suddenly, the “Brahms’ Lullaby” came to mind. I could hum it soothingly while observing her reaction.

I did so with the intention that the sound of my voice would touch her heart and mind with loving vibrations. I kept humming as she was experiencing waves of calmness and agitation. At times, she closed her eyes for brief seconds. I didn’t give up: my role as a volunteer was to stay put as a safety measure. I trusted that if this lullaby didn’t work, I would receive another inspiration. At last, she became more relaxed and fell asleep. I had been at her bedside for thirty minutes, which felt like a long time beside an agitated person. I visited her regularly during the evening, humming the lullaby even if she was still sleeping, so she would be reassured at a subconscious level that there was a loving presence watching over her.

The love vibration was transmitted by sound, which was more effective than holding hands in this situation. Vibrations and intention were enough to calm her down. We can communicate in various ways with one another to create a Sacred Space filled with peace, trust, and perhaps serenity. Heart-to-heart communication needs no words, no explanations, and brings more benefits than we can ever imagine. From a larger perspective, we are a conduit for the Spirit to work through us in service for the greatest good of the people and their care partners. Each of us contributes with our unique gifts, talents, and skills, which

has a ripple effect in the global community. Our role is so simple and so grand at the same time; so sacred and so humbling.

“We can try to make a difference each moment of each day in the simple ways that we bring ourselves to each aspect of life. Our connectedness invites us to feel the sacred in every moment.” Judith M. Campbell

The importance of Being love and comion is the essence of accompanying the dying. As a close one, volunteer, or staff member, we refine our listening skills and provide undivided attention. Being present with awareness, acceptance, and appreciation creates a Sacred Space in which they can settle their life and prepare their Soul, at a subconscious or conscious level, within the little time left.

Practising One Presence in Daily Life

A new day is arising. Still half asleep, I send my intention: “May this day be filled with beautiful surprises. Everything is unfolding in perfect time. Love is flowing through my heart, body, mind, and spirit. I am One with what is.”

Applying One Presence as a daily practice implies a constant vigilance. At times, my mind struggles, especially when I’m with a close one or someone in distress. So, I recenter, take deep breaths, fill my heart with love, and imagine we are both receiving this love as One.

I repeat as often as necessary: “We are together in this moment and after your transition as One in eternity.”

When my mind sends thoughts of fear, I take a deep breath again and fill my heart with trust. I remind myself that being afraid has no place here and to let it go.

Deep breath: “I feel love surrounding us, dissipating fears and doubts. Its energy lifts me up a little and a bit more. Love increases my strength.”

I take time to connect with this feeling. I listen to my breath. I listen to my heart.

I feel its subtle beat in my whole body. I can sense my mind wanting to take over, so I smile at it and breathe consciously, one breath at a time.

I refocus: “I’m with you, with us, as One in this present moment. Nothing else exists.”

Noises muffle. Time and space vanish. It feels like being in a deeper state of consciousness. I know and understand that everything is possible. The wounds and hurts are mended in the stillness of this Sacred Space in which “our Souls are in communion. As One, we are embraced in a Sacred Cosmic Web moving forward together.” Deep breath: sensing peace in my heart, I let go and trust what is and what will be.

Communion is a state of Being One; serving with Love in every thought, every action…everything else disappears, as if we are in a no-time zone. Practising communion is a real privilege with a person on the threshold.

Story Time

An Ultimate Gift

She was semi-conscious, moaning continuously. Her nurse explained that her physical pain was under control, but it was another story on an emotional and spiritual level. She was abandoned by her family after her ission. They said their goodbyes, adding that they would not come back. I couldn’t imagine how she must be feeling—completely alone at this time of her life, surrounded by total strangers. Could her broken heart be soothed by a comionate presence? Tonight, my role was to accompany her and bring her comfort with Reiki.¹⁴

I sat at her bedside and held her hand. I centered myself, cleared my mind, and connected with the Source of Reiki. I visualized its energy flowing through my heart, going down my arm and hand, toward her hand, and filling her heart with love. Then I visualized the Reiki energy flowing back from her heart to my heart, creating an ongoing flow of energy that might release her suffering and fill her being with love. I stayed in that space for a while with mindfulness and awareness; no thoughts were allowed to distract my mind while sharing this Sacred Space with her. We were communicating within the silence of our hearts.

Suddenly, our hands felt as if they were one. I couldn’t feel where my hand stopped and where the contour of hers began. It was surreal. I continued to stay focused with love thoughts, letting the flow of Reiki embrace both of us. Nothing else existed at this moment. Our hearts were drumming at the same rhythm, the rhythm of life, the rhythm of One. I could feel an expansion of energy as the Grace of Oneness permeated our Beings, body, mind, and spirit. There were no separations between us. We were One in a Sacred Space. We were One in Spirit, in Source. Time stood still in this moment of awe. I began humming loving words gently, so gently, almost in silence. Fifteen minutes later, she stopped moaning and she seemed to be peaceful. We stayed connected in the energy for a while. I sensed that her scarred and swollen arm was calling out for Reiki, so I moved my hands to that part of her body so it could receive extra attention. I trusted that the Love energy was also flowing into her broken mind and spirit, so I placed the intention “For your highest good.”

At one point during the two hours I spent in this patient’s room, her nurse walked in silently. She left soon enough, as she could sense that something special was going on. The next day, she told me that it was the first night’s sleep this patient had in two weeks. A comionate human touch and Reiki presence was the greatest gift this woman could have received in a time of abandonment. Being and feeling the Sacred Space of Oneness was an ultimate gift for both of us.

Being in service is as simple as being present here and now with an open heart, mind, and spirit. It is serving from a space of humility that connects us to true Comion. It is serving as we would like to be served without ego, thoughts, judgments, fears, or resentments. The more we practise love consciously, the closer we get to the Ultimate Love deep within our Being. Our daily activities become the work of Spirit flowing through the depth of our Being. Nothing else stands in the way of our kindness for each other.

Manifestation in Oneness

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” Albert Einstein¹⁵

Living consciously in Oneness, or at least being conscious of its resonance, creates the conditions for manifesting what we need. Focusing our attention toward a specific outcome sends the energy in the direction of what we want now. Playing with an intention such as “Everything falls into place in perfect time for everyone involved” is my practice. Using a conscious and clear statement anchors our desire in the present moment and begins the process of manifestation.

The spirit world s you in one way or another. It’s like having a team of Spirit Guides or Light Beings waiting for your requests to assist you on your journey. Be clear in what you want, and trust you will receive it for your highest good. Sometimes, the answer to your wishes takes a different form than expected or you receive much more than what you were looking for. Observe and be aware of how situations unfold: a vacation is cancelled just as a close one needs your presence; suddenly a meeting is postponed to leave space for an important appointment; a parking spot becomes available just as you turn the corner; or freezing rain keeps you home for much-needed downtime. These auspicious synchronicities are a way of living in the flow, trusting that all is well and for the best. Life is sustaining and nurturing you. It’s much easier to live with this mindset.

I confess that at times I doubt this concept even if I am receiving proof over and over again of how real it is. As an example, if I want to meet someone, I send a clear intention for a perfect time and observe how situations change to accommodate my request. I have seen occasions in which colleagues needed to talk to me, and I would appear just at the same moment at their door, to our amazement. We have witnessed perfect synchronicities in palliative hospice care over the years, and every time we are still in awe when it happens—such as a parent holding his last breath until his son arrives from overseas; a mother surprisingly alive as she longs to spend one last Thanksgiving with her young family; people dying after the Holiday Season against all odds so they can share a joyous celebration with their family one more time.

Story Time

You Are an Angel

I’m torn between what is urgent and even more urgent. One patient is alone breathing her last breaths. My intuition tells me she will be transitioning within an hour or so. Her family is on their way, and I hope they make it in time. Someone should be sitting at her side, holding her hand, making sure she is attended to with a reassuring presence. But I can’t do it now. Other patients are in pain and need their medications and nursing care. My colleague and I are crazy busy. It’s late evening. There are no other staff or volunteers available at this hour.

I’m running between patients: more urgent requests, more pain, more distress. I was checking on the imminently dying lady frequently and praying deep in my mind and soul, Please, help me. What can I do? I feel so guilty leaving her alone. Her family should not find her unaccompanied in her last moments. Suddenly, the door at the end of the hallway opens, and a woman wearing a yellow uniform walks in. I’m in shock. What is she doing here at this time of the night?

“Are you here to volunteer?” I ask.

“Yes, I am.”

“Are you free right now?”

“Yes, I am.”

“You are an angel. Please follow me.”

I explain the situation and ask her to be present at the dying woman’s side until the family arrives. She is pleased to be of service. Still in awe of her visit, I resume my work, checking on both often, trusting that the patient is receiving a meaningful accompaniment.

The next day, I was looking for the volunteer’s name so I could send her a special thank you note. The volunteer schedule showed that nobody was on duty at that time. There was no signature in their attendance record book. I spoke to two volunteers who look like her, and they assured me they were not there the previous night. I was puzzled. No one else fit the description. Years later, I was telling this story to a new group of volunteers in training to illustrate how essential their work is within the palliative care team.

“Myriam, she was an angel,” one participant said. “You asked for help and she came to you. This volunteer was an angel.”

I was in shock. A warm wave of energy flowed through me, and I knew it to be true. This possibility never came to my mind. I wasn’t even aware of the very words I had used to greet her: “You are an angel.” How could I have not thought of it? Is it because I believe miracles only happen to others?

Such phenomena happen more often than we think, especially at the bedside of the dying. We are not alone in this line of work. We are ed beyond our imagination. It took me all those years to discover what happened that night. We ask for help, but we are oblivious to the answer when it arrives. Being One Presence is key to manifesting serendipities. Look around. Open your eyes and your heart. Observe, trust, be patient. A person may say exactly what you need to guide you through a dilemma, a book may fall on your lap giving you the

direction you need to take, or someone may show up offering and encouragement at a perfect time. These serendipities are with you all the time: it’s a matter of recognizing the connection between events and accepting that you are worthy of receiving these miracles. Do you need a giant neon billboard shouting, Hey, look! This is the answer you are looking for. Wake up! We are here for you. Pay attention. Create a space to welcome what you need to fulfill your tasks and responsibilities, and be grateful for gifts received. There is much more in store waiting for you.

Chapter 4

Accompanying the Dying from Your Sacred Space

Imagine an inner space in the core of your Being that is radiating love. This love flows through you and forms a large cocoon around you. Imagine it expanding in the six directions: east, west, north, south, up toward the sky, and down into the earth. This bubble of love surrounds you at any time and wherever you are: driving on a busy road, enjoying a festival, playing a sport, meeting friends, while working or meditating. This love can be felt by people and they can be touched by it; its energy can be shared and transmitted to anyone who is open to receive it. To go further, imagine that every individual has her/his own cocoon of love that is as unique as each person is. This is what I name a Sacred Space, which reflects the essence of your Being. As much as the essence of your Being is unique, so is your Sacred Space. In other words, you are Unique and so is your Sacred Space. It is filled with your own energy be it love, peace, or worries… Your Sacred Space touches and s others’ Sacred Spaces to some degree, and, as such, they affect one another.

The dying Sacred Space is wherever the dying are to be found: in their living room, bedroom, garden…When we take the time to sharpen our senses and perception, we can detect a particular vibe in the room, a subtle energy or a Presence that invites calmness, kindness, and respect. The dying consciousness expands even more as the person approaches the Ultimate age. As soon as you enter in their space, they can feel, consciously or subconsciously, your energy signature, your emotions, and thoughts. They will know if you really want to be there or if you want to run away. If you are afraid, they may wonder if they should be afraid too. On the other hand, if they feel your self-confidence and strength, they will be reassured and comforted; therefore, they have a better chance to find peace on their journey. This Sacred Space opens an opportunity

for communication beyond words, and for bonding and ing each other in a more profound relationship. It can be a safe place to connect at a deeper source within you that is a heart-to-heart, soul-to-soul space.

Knowing how sacred this space is for people who are entering their final journey, you can understand why it is crucial to clear your busy mind before ing in. You want to leave your mundane issues, emotions, and thoughts at the door. The dying person doesn’t need to hear or feel your concerns and troubles. You are there for their needs and not yours. And yes, they will want to know about your day, they will inquire about the latest news or the recent stock market report. Please, share your daily experiences and be yourself without overemphasizing your own trivial needs that are less important at this time of their life. It’s not about you anymore. You are here for them, adjusting to their present understanding in rhythm with their ultimate journey. This is what “Being connected” and “Being aware” of the other means. Don’t waste this opportunity to create a precious moment. It may be their very last. This is the time to share and reminisce about meaningful memories, as in a “distant” future, it may not be possible anymore…

How can you develop a mind free of any worries, fears, or concerns? Simply start with a deep breath before entering their room. You could do a short meditation practice to expand the bubble of love, comion, and harmony around you. Take the time to feel it if you can or just trust it is there; place the intention to stay connected with it all day. Even doing it for five minutes will change your perspective and the quality of your presence. It will make a huge difference in your accompaniment. The benefits are worth it. Solutions and inspirations will come to you much faster. You can add affirmations such as, Today, I am smiling and listening with undivided attention. I am practising comion. I am bringing joy and comforting words. Trust that it will be so. During the day, take a minute to be aware of your energy and what is going on within you. If you detect anxiety, fear, or chaos, take a deep breath, recenter in your bubble, reconnect with your inner Sacred Space. Reflect on your thoughts in this moment and choose them well, as they affect your energy. You are responsible for their quality. Nobody can change them but you.

Do you want to radiate loving and calm vibrations or are you going to carry impatience, anxiety, and resentment? It’s your decision and you own it. Think of a time you have met an angry or very depressed person. How did you feel during your time together? And after? You may have felt frustrated or that your energy was depleted. When you are with people who are joyful, loving, and peaceful, you may feel excited, uplifted, and calm, and you may wish to spend more time in their presence. Reconnect with your cocoon when you want to benefit from a clear communication from your heart. You want to understand their emotions without tainting them with your own. Open communication dissolves misunderstandings, assumptions, and projections, and it prevents unnecessary conflicts. It strengthens relationships. Open communication builds trust, , and harmony.

The more you are aware of your own energy and feeling, the more you can adjust them with additional love and comion. This practice becomes easier as you integrate it within your daily life. It will become a reflex response in any situation. When you connect with your inner space, you are inviting love within and around you, for yourself and everyone in your presence. It’s your gift to the dying, who deserve to be respected in their Sacred Space at this time of their lives. This is the meaning of “accompanying the dying from your Sacred Space.”

Story Time

His Smile Never Vanished

Once his symptoms were under control, Guidou explored the palliative care unit and found his niche: the kitchen became his Sacred Space. He would tidy up the place, greet families and visitors, and show them how to use the coffee machine or microwave oven. He created a homey atmosphere where people felt welcome. I witnessed how he was building trust and a sense of community by listening to the ones who needed to talk in an informal setting. His was empowering and lifted everyone’s spirit, including the staff. Guidou’s favourite Sacred Space and home remained a nearby tavern with his drinking buddies—his family. At his request, a volunteer would accompany him so he could enjoy his meaningful gathering at “Happy Hour.”

And his time came. Guidou was at his final hour, alone without family or friends at his bedside. Before entering his room, I took a deep breath and connected with my heart in preparation for this precious moment. To my surprise, a staff member was praying out loud without any regard for his personal beliefs: he had no formal religion. With respect for who he was, I indicated to the staff member that I was taking over by sitting at his bedside. I simply addressed him by his nickname.

“Guidou, I will stay with you now.”

His face beamed with joy because I acknowledged and respected him for who he was. I held his hand, made eye , and filled the space with a quiet and loving reassurance. We were both surrendering to the profound experience unfolding in his last hour. Closing his eyes, his breathing became shallower and more peaceful. His face glowed in a radiance that is often present in the transition stage. His smile never vanished…

This man taught me so much about letting go of preconceptions we might have about homeless people. I have learned that no matter their lifestyle, they can do so much good and be at service with an open heart anywhere. His human touch was just as precious and effective as that of any professional, social worker, nurse, chaplain, or hospice volunteer. His loving presence brought comfort and to so many people. It was an honour and a privilege to accompany him on the threshold.

“To ‘hold space’ for someone else means that we are willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional , and let go of judgement and control.” Heather Plett¹

Chapter 5

Comion is a Quality of Being

Comion is true caring from the essence of our Being. It implies connecting heart to heart, soul to soul, Being present with gentleness and kindness, and accepting people just the way they are. Accompanying the dying intensifies the practice of comion by maintaining an open heart in the face of their suffering and listening with undivided attention to their human experience with its ebbs and flows, sadness and happiness…Accompanying with comion is Being together no matter what to without trying to change the other person.

Everyone experiences suffering and pain; some in more severe ways than others who ease through life with lighter encumbrances. Everyone deals with obstacles, sickness, and loss. As human beings, we are on this voyage filled with bumpy roads, turbulent flights, and bursting torrents on all levels. No one is immune to them—they’re part of living. This suffering opens doors to a myriad of spiritual questions such as: “Why me? Why do I have to suffer? Why am I given these difficulties?” The lack of answers brings us back to here and now in our heart. It’s a perfect opportunity to practise comion with others, which means to be aware that they are also reaching for understanding and happiness. Living in the heart is easy enough when all is flowing smoothly. It’s another story when imbalance sets in, rocking the boat with unexpected illness and losses that throw you in the ebbing tidal current. We can be so absorbed in our dilemmas and circumstances that our communication becomes filtered and our mind engages in endless inner monologues without finding satisfying resolutions. It’s not always easy to open our hearts to the ones who remind us of past hurts and who trigger old coping patterns or defence mechanisms. The least we can do is be present to what we must deal with. We have to make the best of it with who we are and what we have learned. This is a time to express comion toward the parts of ourselves that need understanding and healing. Then it will be easier to apply it

to others.

“To train in comion is to know that all beings are the same and suffer in similar ways, to honor all those who suffer, and to know that you are neither separate from nor superior to anyone.” Sogyal Rinpoche¹⁷

So, how do we train in comion? What actions should we take? The training is right here where we are. It’s in our very presence, in our own heart. We don’t have to go anywhere or find any teacher. Every situation is a learning experience. Every person and every relationship is a unique class with its experience, beliefs, and diversity. Each class is a new opportunity to discover, learn, integrate, and grow at all levels.

As an example, when someone serving us at the grocery store is impatient or has a miserable attitude, it’s an opportunity to begin our training in comion and it doesn’t cost anything. First, let’s change our perception: She is a human being suffering, in one way or another, at this point in her life. She may be going through personal turmoil in her profession or worrying about a sick child or parent. She may be a recent widow or may have lost her home. Plus, she must work today and serve multiple clients despite her challenge. How would we react if we were walking in her shoes? Surely no better than her, unless we fake our way through the day pretending to be happy. Her attitude has nothing to do with us; it’s her own issue. It’s a question of differentiating what belongs to her and what belongs to us. This perception makes it easier to connect from our heart, to send her loving thoughts, to communicate with a gentle tone of voice that can bring much and comfort to her day. She may feel better and so might we. The alternative is to dive into frustration, which would only aggravate everyone’s mood and keep us caught in the old life drama.

The quality of presence is key to quickly transforming the situation at hand. As soon as I become aware of my impatience, I refocus my mind.

“Breathe in; breathe out. Stay calm. Fill your Being with love. Imagine this person experiencing suffering; she has the same needs as everybody else. Accept her without judgment.”

There is no Me-ego, no You-label. Who am I to judge anyway? Am I better or superior than my fellow human? Labels or judgments create separation and keep us distant from one another. Such thinking obstructs the free-flowing energy of love and sends us back into our shadowy space. This person needs listening, understanding, respect, and recognition of her present state; this is the foundation of comionate care. If I can’t express love, I can at least connect from my inner comion and offer an authentic presence that may begin her healing.

“Being a comionate presence means connecting to the sacred in another from the sacred place within us.” Christina Puchalski¹⁸

Keeping an open heart and mind is a sensible way to face challenges. You can connect with people whose possible lack of love in the past was a constant reality; they may have been betrayed, abandoned, abused. This awareness is enough to trigger the flow of comion within you and connect with them at a higher level with undivided attention. Be the best you can, and be aware of your inner emotions and thoughts that are brewing. Don’t fall into the trap of selfjudgment, guilt, or shame related to your own past issues. A deep breath clears your mind, recenters your emotions, and stretches and replenishes your energy so you can welcome any experience with better understanding. You will avoid additional regret, harm, and suffering. Change your perception and take a

different outlook on the current situation. This attitude brings more positive outcomes for all. It creates an atmosphere of trust and safety so people can entrust you with their struggles. They may confide in you when they are ready to do so and when the time is right. Now is a moment of acceptance while moving on with what needs to be tackled. You are creating a whole new dimension, step by step, in a more satisfying life. This is an endless journey of transformation.

Story Time

Her Deepest Secret

Wednesday afternoon: Social Tea. Volunteers are busy rearranging the furniture in the Bird Room, displaying the bone china cups and saucers and silver teapots. Trays of homemade cookies and scones have just been delivered from a local bakery, a weekly donation in memory of their mother. Two volunteer musicians are tuning their guitar and cello in anticipation of special requests. Patients and family are gathering for the activity.

On that day, a lady refused to participate and wanted to stay in her room. Somehow, Michael, the volunteer, felt that something was wrong just by the look in her eyes.

“She might need someone to talk to,” he said.

Once his tea round was completed, he poured two cups of tea and came back to her offering his company. There they were chatting away about everything and nothing. It didn’t take long for the conversation to turn into more meaningful subjects. Suddenly, the magic happened. Knowing that she could trust Michael, she confided to him her deepest secret: she was abused as a child sixty years ago. While unveiling details of her past, she was releasing flows of emotions. Michael took time to listen with full attention, an open heart, and gentle words, being aware of the healing process.

As he was leaving, she made him promise to keep her secret confidential, but he knew she would need additional from a professional. Without giving any specifics, Michael informed the social worker of his visit, adding, “She may need your presence soon.” This coded message implied that the patient had confided in him and the social worker may want to be on standby for urgent

counselling. Three days later, this lady opened up to the palliative care team. She knew she could trust them thanks to a volunteer who had listened in a nonjudgmental way and had respected her wishes. This Social Tea was a healing opportunity at its best.

This story illustrates how professionals and volunteers bring a comionate presence by connecting with their intuition, knowledge, and understanding. Doing so provides an ultimate opportunity to find peace before transitioning, and it reassures people they are not alone when the time has arrived.

Chapter 6

Time Is a Precious Commodity

Time is a precious commodity even more so for people in transition and for their significant others. How annoying it is to waste it waiting in medical offices, at the checkout line, or for a special delivery? Time accumulates and cannot be taken back: add these twenty minutes here, an hour or two there, then subtracted from what’s left of your life expectancy. Add to the equation your worries and frustrations while you are waiting for test results that may lead to more medical attention. Those precious hours deprive you of quality time with your close ones. Your personal life is on hold as you must postpone family events, projects, or vacations. These situations take a toll on your physical, emotional, and mental health.

At the end of life, every moment counts for anyone who wants to live meaningfully while their body is strong enough and their mind is still clear. Every moment creates memories to be cherished for years to come. They will help you rise above the depths of sorrow and darkness, mend the tears of the heart and spirit, and propel you on the path of freedom after the person’s transition. In hospice palliative care, precious moments come in various forms: a child runs down the hallway laughing while his parents try to minimize the noise; a newborn’s cries bring hope and appreciation for life; someone playing the piano soothes the heart and mind; students singing traditional Christmas songs evoke memories of cheerful times; newlyweds visit their dying parent so they can be part of their celebration. At times, a grandparent holds his grandchild in his arms for the first time before letting go of his last breath. Long-time partners get legally married surrounded by their loved ones.

In the hospice setting, the staff encourage people to create a homelike feeling.

Children’s drawings, favourite objects and books, artwork and plants, and colourful blankets and pillows of various textures add special touches of comfort and pleasure. Homemade meals arouse appetites and incite enjoyable gatherings. Fresh-cut flowers enhance the room with their evocative scents, favourite songs and music linger in the quiet afternoon while the sunshine sparkles up the cascading river close by. The significant pet companion brings much joy and opens doors of communication. The pet therapy program amplifies liveliness in a most needed time. Once, a therapist brought an unanticipated little furry friend: a jumping rabbit in the hallway bemused many visitors. The goal is to change people’s minds from sickness and to take them to a happier place to trigger laughs and memories. We speak here of improving their quality of life, which is very subjective and unique for each individual. To succeed in enriching their last days or weeks, we must discover what matters most to them at this point of their life as their conditions and desires change over time.

The person may inquire about the outside world, especially with lifelong interests such as news, sports, or politics. I one patient who only had a few hours to live. He was breathing with great difficulty and asking about the hockey game scores. During the evening, a volunteer was watching the television with him, discussing the players’ good moves. I paid attention to what was going on while caring for other patients, making sure to be ready to take over once the volunteer went home. At last, the Canadiens have won. I rushed to his room and whispered in his ear the awaited score. He still had enough strength to give a faint smile. It was a precious moment for him. Who would have thought that a hockey game would bring such happiness at time of death? A tried and true Canadiens’ fan. Accompanying the dying is about knowing what they like and doing our best with a kind heart to respond to their wishes.

Story Time

Snowflakes Dancing

The snowflakes are dancing in the window, twirling and lifting on the breath of a mocking wind. Children are screaming and laughing. I imagine them running around trying to catch clumps of flakes, standing still with their mouths open and letting them melt on their warm, rosy tongues. There I am, lying down and too weak to get up to observe this winter magic. I wish I could feel the snow one more time. Could I ask someone to help me? It may seem so trivial to healthy bodies.

The feeble words came out, “I would love to touch the snow one more time.”

The nurse looked at me with a puzzled expression. I could feel her mind searching for a solution. Whispers rose in the hallway and then someone said loudly, “Leave it to me, I will be back.”

Soon enough, in the middle of nowhere, colourful mittens were holding a bundle of fragile white crystals. My bony fingers reached for the snowflakes and felt the freezing cold substance melting in an instant on my shivering hands. I closed my eyes to integrate this pleasure into my being, into my soul. I want to engrave this experience in my mind so I can replay this moment until the end of time. I can smell the winter breeze still caught in Paul-Jean’s shirt, feel the cold air in his hair and skin. I can witness vividly through his eyes the winter land while he is describing it with a joyful tone.

“Children are making snow angels…Trees are bending under the weight of a white duvet. It almost feels like spring—we can smell it in the air.”

Please keep talking. Tell me again about the little ones playing, dogs rolling over in the dazzling crystals, people shovelling…well, you can skip that part.

“Do you the freezing air up north? It was so cold that your nostrils would stick together. You could hardly breathe. Your steps would make a crunchy sound on the snowy path. You needed to be well dressed with multiple layers, wool and all.”

Yes, spring is coming. A time of renewal, of rebirth in a new life…

Chapter 7

Joy and Happiness

“Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude.”

Denis Waitley¹

Story Time

A Guilt Trip

On a beautiful afternoon, I was walking in the neighbourhood feeling the warm breeze on my cheeks, enjoying the birds’ serenades. Suddenly, a wave of profound joy engulfed me. I was astonished. How can I be so happy knowing that my spouse is dying, that he will be gone soon? Am I a bad person? Is this normal? A guilt trip took over my joy. I didn’t know what to think. I knew I shouldn’t go down the drain in everlasting depression and sorrow. He’s surely not expecting that. I also knew I must him with, at the very least, a sense of happiness from time to time during his tribulations. My mind was going wild imagining people’s comments.

“You are heartless. You don’t really love him. You don’t have the right to enjoy life. How dare you.”

I needed professional counselling to understand what was going on inside of me.

And here I am, searching my soul in the light of the psychoanalyst’s questions.

“Describe your feelings and thoughts in that moment of happiness.”

“I felt I was betraying him; I had no right to be happy.”

“What makes you believe that?”

Suddenly, I was propelled back in time into my social and religious education, in which we were taught to suffer with others, deny our own needs, sacrifice ourselves for the happiness of others, and work hard with no play. I was surprised to learn that this part of my upbringing was still influencing my life.

The psychoanalyst explained that joy is the foundation of every human being; this is our birthright. Life will continue to throw sadness, abandonment, heartache, and sickness at us.

“You need to gather strength and resilience for this long journey. You owe it to yourself. Give yourself the permission to do so.”

She spoke about courage and determination.

“It’s not the time to go backward into past beliefs and conditioning. You must clear them out of your system. Be aware of your thoughts. Allow yourself to laugh and be happy. Your spouse is looking for comfort and hope from you—the real, joyful you, not someone who is depressed and sad. You owe yourself some quality time to sustain a well-balanced life. You owe him and yourself a life well-lived. He needs you to shine, to be a beacon of Light.”

“Find a place inside where there’s joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.” Joseph Campbell² How important it is to learn and rely on the knowledge and wisdom of friends, elders, and colleagues in challenging times. Some of them have been on that road before and can guide us through it. The path may lead straightforward or be

bumpy with long detours. It may be torturous and unusual. Our network is a lifeline to remind us of who we are and how to readjust in those moments when emotions, attitude, and mindset can cause unnecessary struggles for ourselves and others.

New questions emerged after this counselling session:

•What is joy? •What does she mean by, “Joy is the foundation of every human being”? •How do I get in touch with that inner joy? •What prevents me from living in it?

And there I was, launching myself on a path of healing and self-discovery… again. The long process was beginning with the awareness of what I had integrated in my mind and spirit. I had to accept and forgive the education received from family , schools, church, and social groups, and recognize what I had become at this time and place. Then I intended to do the inner work in my own rhythm and with gentleness. I would diligently remove and cleanse limiting beliefs, self-judgments, and attachments. I would trust and surrender into this challenging spiritual journey that requires courage and commitment. It might seem like a long road to travel in a faraway land, but the experience is worth it. And once the obstacles are removed and the veil of sorrow is lifted, I can reconnect with my inner joy that is right here, where I am at this moment, a breath away.

Joy is a state of our inner core, the foundation of our Being. We can choose to stay connected to it and stand still within it, knowing that nobody can take it away from us no matter what happens. Joy is permanent like a solid rock that has remained firmly in the ground for centuries in the midst of flash floods and other

extreme conditions. Another image is a large tree standing tall with its sap flowing with vitality and strength in all weather: rain or shine, wild wind or fire. It may lose a few branches or part of its trunk, but the tree is faithful to its true nature and continues its self-healing while serving its purpose by offering canopy shelter and fruits of joy to other living beings.

These metaphors apply to humans who learn to be well grounded in their strength, perseverance, and resilience. They may experience weakness in their bodies and minds through disease, injuries, or accidents, but they can choose to stand still in adversity and deal with life’s ups and downs from their inner joy. It’s up to them to reconnect consciously within their heart at any time to face gloomy situations, sadness, or anxiety. It is a matter of choice and awareness. Their life experience will reflect how they stay in with their inner joy, which is permanent and therefore always available.

In comparison, happiness is short-lived, as it depends on the outer events and people we rely on. Moments of happiness are ephemeral as they change along with the circumstances. Through the day, we search for it out there, so far from its source. We are looking for in the wrong places—the outside world. We are still attached to our old perceptions that keep us buried in the worst heartaches, fears, doubts, or regrets. Our expectations and dependence on receiving happiness takes over our wellness again and again. All along, the ultimate joy is just a breath away, but we don’t know that yet. How do you connect with it in your daily life? Begin by being aware of simple little things such as a phrase or a word that leads to a funny story or hilarious thought, or a song expressed with emphasis or foolishness. It can be dancing and gently spinning a person in his wheelchair or reading a favourite book to someone who is bedridden.

“Practise being happy! Practise in every action in your daily routine. We should try to be happy, just to set an example.” Jacques Prévert²¹

Here are tips to practise happiness as often as you can. The first step is to put a smile on your face and pretend to be happy. It may be hard at the beginning, but your mind will begin to believe it’s true and will transform it into reality. Plan one pleasure for your day. Find an occasion that will bring a smile in your heart and lift your spirit from within.

•Plan a tea or coffee break or have a healthy lunch in your favourite place. •Observe a child playing, flowers blooming, the sun setting. •Step outside for a breath of fresh air that will nourish your body/mind/spirit. •Go for a walk, play a sport solo or with a group. •Read a book on an enjoyable subject even if it’s only a few paragraphs. •Take a long, soothing bath while listening to your favourite music and enjoying candlelight and a glass of your favourite beverage.

Happiness is an important part of the end of life. It can be as simple as sharing time with undivided attention, being present in silence, talking about mundane news or processing the latest events. There are times when distractions, pleasures and celebrations are a must. The dying want to enjoy every minute given to them even more so when their pain and symptoms are under control and their physical needs are well taken care of. Living fully means doing what they truly enjoy, such as special projects, a daily routine, and staying connected with the outside world.

As a physician said to a dear friend, “You’re not dead yet. You still have some living to do. Enjoy it. We’ll deal with sickness as it comes.”

Family can bring their favourite food, a takeout meal, a large thermos of coffee, music for a Christmas party, or birthday gifts. These contributions create great moments of happiness that will be ed long after these challenging times.

Laughing is a great way to deepen bonds and strengthen relationships with one another and to engage in deep communication without words: “I’m with you.” Laughing releases endorphins, which are most beneficial for the body, including relieving pain and symptoms.²² A good sense of humour helps calm the atmosphere despite the seriousness of the situation. Laughing at embarrassing moments helps break the awkwardness and accept changes with lightness. For some families, joking around is a trademark. Teasing is their way of expressing their feelings; for others, it may be a way of hiding uncomfortable emotions. Be aware of it. We can reach these people with respectful humour that encourages them to talk about their concerns and unresolved issues.

“Heaven has given human beings three things to balance the odds of life: hope, sleep, and laughter.” Immanuel Kant²³

Joy is inside of you—always has been and always will be. The inner core of your Being is waiting for you to tap into a joyful life. It can be done one step at a time. It’s your choice. As the process unfolds, it is essential to find a minute or two to look at the beauty around you. Step back, go for a walk, stand still in your back yard and take time to observe nature’s beauty, to gaze into the sky, to dance in the rain. Breathe the fresh air deeply: this is the most simple and free tool you have to recenter and relax. Those moments will sustain you and give you strength and hope amid despair and anguish. Connecting with your inner space will help you emerge from the turmoil to gain clarity and understanding. Only then can your intuition and wisdom flow freely and guide your service in a meaningful way.

to multiply those health breaks on a regular basis without guilt and self-judgment. You need them to recharge your batteries in order to fulfil your role. You can’t drive your car on an empty battery. If it has crossed its threshold limit, you might need to replace this most crucial piece of equipment. Unfortunately, you can’t do the same with your physical body. You can only give what you have. You must recharge yourself in any way you can and on a regular basis. Recharging and grounding can be done in any place and at any time such as while you are waiting in line at a grocery store or at the elevator, on a bus ride before or after work, on your favourite chair at home, even in the bathroom if it’s the only quiet space available. When paying attention and observing your breath, the stress level diminishes and so does the mind’s chatter. You must take care of your whole Being—that is, maintain a healthy heart, body, mind, and spirit. You need to create moments of stillness, peace, and joy within yourself. You need moments of joy to nurture yourself first before nurturing others. You need to love yourself before loving others.

Chapter 8

Practise, Practise, Practise

Accompanying the dying requires one to recenter and take a moment to clear one’s mind and concerns so one can elevate their vibrations. Simply by using your breath, you can clear your thoughts and emotions, block out distractions, and keep you focused on the present situation. The more you integrate this practice, the easier it gets, and the more peace you transmit to the dying, who will be able to relax in your mindful presence. The following meditations are simple exercises in centering and grounding. They can be done anywhere and are accessible to everyone. If you can breathe, you can do them. Be creative, play with them, and adjust them to your needs. There is no required outfit or equipment, and you don’t need to sit in any specific posture. The only requirement is to create a space in which no one will disturb you. The goal of these practices is to be fully here in the moment and connect with your everpresent inner peace. You can then be calm and in better control of your words, thoughts, emotions, and actions. The mind will still send you all kinds of thoughts. You may get caught in your errand list, meal planning, or e-mail replies. I’ll bet your mind is getting distracted just by reading those words— that’s what I’m talking about. This is a normal part of the practice. Just be aware of your thoughts, let them go, and recenter. Begin your day with a breathing exercise in a quiet space. Even five to ten minutes will help you regain your center and open your heart. It’s a matter of awareness and discipline.

Take a Short Break

This healthy pause regenerates your energy, refreshes your mind, and restores your concentration. And you need every bit of it. You are saving so much time by doing nothing for a few minutes. Give yourself the permission to take a short break during your busy day. Stop what you are doing as soon as you feel worried, confused, or overwhelmed.

•Breathe in. Breathe out. •Take slow and relaxing breaths. Follow your natural rhythm. There is no wrong or right way to do it. •Rest your mind until you return to calmness and mindfulness. •Observe your thoughts with a smile. Be aware of what comes and goes. •Firmly tell them: “I don’t need you just now.” And let them glide like clouds in a blue sky. •Gently bring your attention back to your breathing. •Stay centered in the present moment for as long as you wish. •When you feel ready to come back, move your hands and your feet gently. •Open your eyes. Stretch your body slowly. •Go on with your day, ing you can always go back to this space at any time.

Take a Longer Break: Conscious Breathing

•Breathe in. Breathe out. Listen to your breath. •Inhale, counting 1 to 4; hold your breath counting 1, 2. •Exhale, counting 1 to 4; hold your breath counting 1, 2. •Repeat. •Be aware of the thoughts intruding on your mind: o“I have to this…I heard a noise, maybe it’s…” are the kinds of thoughts. oDon’t get attached or dwell on them. If necessary, keep a notepad handy to write them down so you can go back to them later with your full attention. oReturn to your inner breath. oAnother thought will distract you. There is no end to it. oBe aware of it, let it go, and start over again as above. •Keep your mouth closed and your jaw relaxed. Sit straight; line up your head, neck, and body. Be aware of the sounds around you. Return to your breath. •Feel the air coming in and out through your nostrils. Is your breath deep or shallow, short or long? •Notice your mind calming down. •Breathe in and out naturally. •Bring your total attention to your breath without controlling it. There is nothing else to do. This moment is for yourself only for two, five, or ten minutes. This is your “Me” Time.

•Observe your thoughts with a smile; be aware of what comes and goes. Look at them as a personal movie without emotions attached to them. •Let your thoughts glide like clouds in a blue sky. •Notice the repetition of images, ideas, emotions. •Firmly tell them: “I don’t need these thoughts just now.” •The mind was created as a thought machine. It is responding to its purpose. But it needs to be disciplined to learn and respect what you are doing right at this moment. •If your thoughts are too resistant, bring your attention to a part of your body. Are your hands warm or cold? What about your feet and legs? Are they relaxed or uncomfortable? Are your shoulders relaxed? Return to your breath. •Complete your meditation with a pleasant thought. •Breathe in. Breathe out. •Open your eyes. Stretch your arms and feet slowly and gently. •Express gratitude for the gift of this quiet moment.

Centering and Grounding with Self-Awareness

The goal of this meditation is to build a solid foundation to develop your selfawareness, deepen your practice with self-love, and transform and release any discomfort or pain. These three steps can be modified according to your availability, need, and personality. To strengthen your practice, proceed with steps 2 and 3.

Step 1 – The Foundation

•Find a quiet space. Put a “Do Not Disturb” sign on the door if necessary. •Sit down in a comfortable position with your feet on the ground, spine straight and soft, shoulders relaxed. Close your eyes. •Breathe in. Breathe out. •Take slow and deep breaths. Follow your natural rhythm. There is no wrong or right way to do it. •Feel the air coming in and out through your nostrils. Focus on it. Is it warm or cold? Is there an aroma or a scent? Stay with the sensation as long as you can. •Listen to the sound of your breath without making any changes. •Observe your chest and abdomen expanding and contracting. Imagine a space being created inside your body. •Your breathing becomes calm and peaceful. Follow your natural rhythm. •Every time your thoughts start to drift away, gently but firmly bring your attention back to your breathing.

•(At this point, if you have extra time, skip to Step 2 – Deepening the Practice.*) •When you feel ready to come back, move your hands and feet. •Open your eyes. Stretch your body slowly and gently. •Go on with your day, ing that you can always return to this space at any time. Your breath is always there. You can count on it anytime you need a break.

Step 2 – Deepening the Practice

•*Place your hands on your heart. Focus your breath within your heart. •Imagine the love from your heart expanding inside of you. •Visualize love filling each cell of your body. •Bring your attention to a part of your body that is tense. Is there discomfort, pain, numbness? •Observe the sensations without denying or repressing them. Listen to them as you would to a good friend. If it’s too uncomfortable, imagine breathing in love and breathing out that discomfort. •Imagine love filling that part of the body and melting the sensations away. •Is there an insight, intuition, or a knowing related to its cause? Make a mental note to reflect on it later. •Imagine every thought and emotion that is emerging and being transformed in your inner fire of Pure Love. •You are now in a pleasant state of relaxation, very comfortable. •(At this point, if you have more time, skip to Step 3 – Advanced Practice.*)

•When you feel ready to come back, move your hands and your feet gently. •Open your eyes; stretch your body slowly. •Go on with your day, ing that you can always return to this space at any time.

Step 3 – Advanced Practice

•*Scan your body slowly to sense if there is any discomfort or pain. Scan from your feet to your head or from your head to your feet if you prefer. Check every part of your entire body for a few seconds just as a full-body CT scanner would do. •When you find a part that is itchy, ticklish, or uncomfortable, notice it and stay in with it for a few seconds. •Breathe in and breathe out in that discomfort. Observe it a little longer and fill it with love. •Let it be without trying to change anything, and move on to the next part that draws your attention. •Repeat the above: breathe in and breathe out any discomfort. Observe it a little longer and fill it with love. •Continue the scanning until you have covered your whole body. •Breathe in. Breathe out. •Visualize your inner love from the core of your Being expanding toward the outer layer of your body. •Visualize this love spreading around you, creating a colourful cocoon. •Repeat gently: “I am love. I am present. I am love with all my Being.” •Visualize love radiating in the space around you and beyond. •Breathe in and breathe out normally and gently. •Take time to integrate this love within each cell of your Being. •You may want to take a moment to set your intentions for the day or the night while you are still immersed in your inner well of love.

•When you feel your meditation is completed and you are ready to come back, move your hands and your feet gently while staying in with this love inside and around you. •Open your eyes. Stretch your body slowly. •Take time to write down a few lines on your experience, including any significant insights you may have received. •Go on with your day, ing that you can always return to this space at any time.

Conscious breathing is a beautiful way to begin your day. While taking care of your body, mind, and spirit, you are enhancing your health and well-being, and increasing your concentration, productivity, and empowerment. It’s a win-win practice. Your work, activities, and relationships will benefit from your genuine loving presence. If you notice your mind running wild, go back to your breathing and ask yourself, Where am I right now? Where are my thoughts? Recenter and resume your task. You can breathe at any time in any place. It can be so discreet that nobody will notice, and you will do yourself good. Taking time to relax goes a long way in renewing and saving your energy so you can carry on your work and activities. You won’t be so drained at the end of the day. Later, increase your practice to fifteen minutes at a time, two or three times a day. It will become second nature. It’s also a good practice before bedtime to cleanse your mind and spirit so you can benefit from a restful and regenerative good night’s sleep. Needless to say, turn off all screens and electronics.

Regaining your center and balance is a matter of self-discipline. When emotions drag you down in a spiral dance within your mind, you lose your inner connection and waste your precious energy. Stand still and observe without selfjudgment why a word, gesture, or situation suddenly sent you into a murky land. Simply go back to your breathing. Take one deep breath, and then another. Stay in the present moment. Being aware each moment of your existence is the practice: no more, no less. It will slowly change your mindset and your attitude while learning to reconnect with your inner stillness in an instant. You will see a difference in yourself and in your life. And you will be ready for the

unpredictable…Trust the process.

Story Time

Where Is My Mind Again?

I have been practising living in the present for many years, but this new challenge got the best of me. My mind was spinning like a weathervane in a storm. My thoughts propel me into the future: possible treatments and their side effects, medical appointments, to family , financial issues…

-Stay focused. Breathe in. Breathe out. I look at my spouse, who is lost in his thoughts. My mind starts again. What is he thinking? Is he worried about the diagnosis? Is he creating false scenarios that will amplify his fears and doubts? How will he react to the prognosis? -Back to the present moment in silence. Stay focused. Breathe in. Breathe out. I’m here to accompany him; to explain what the physician will tell him. But will I be able to stay calm? I already feel like crying. It’s not the time. I need to tap into my courage and strength to him in this difficult moment. I will express my emotions and fears later at an appropriate time. -Back to the present moment. Stay focused. Breathe in. Breathe out. I’m listening to the silence. Letting him process. Respecting his pace, holding his hand, feeling my way in the rhythm of life as it is right now. -Breathe in. Breathe out. Listening with focused attention to what is happening between us at this minute, and the next one, and the next… This is demanding. There is so much information. Did I get the what, when, which, how, and why? And the treatments. Do we have to make a decision now? It depends on the results. Think about it…Fear is grabbing me…Where is my mind again? -Back in the present moment in silence, staying focused. Breathe in. Breathe out.

What? Did I hear right? A “Do Not Resuscitate” order? My mind is racing. My rebellious self is emerging…I need to decide right now about accepting or refusing unnecessary medical treatments. I will respect his will without pressure. I’m here for him. We will see what the future will bring… -Breathe in. Breathe out. I recognize our state of shock. I’m staying grounded the best I can no matter what. In the midst of it all, there is only you and I, ing and caring for each other. Everything else fades away. We are in our own bubble. -Breathe in. Breathe out. I’m quieting my mind, checking my thought process, observing my gestures, listening and being present here and now.

Now more than ever, I’m so grateful for my practice.

Chapter 9

Communication Goes beyond Mere Words

“As long as I am alive, I will be there to you, love you, listen to you and encourage you, and this with the complete honesty of my being as it continues to grow and evolve.”

Liette Deschamps

Creating a quiet space promotes good listening and keeps communication open as words and thoughts are acknowledged and taken into consideration. The person may need time to process new information. She may need to integrate the next step, make the appropriate decision, be reassured about the care and treatments available, and clarify what the medical and nursing staff said earlier. The dying and their close ones need to be listened to without judgment and interruption. They need a comionate and trustworthy sounding board. Talking out loud about their concerns and feelings helps them to find their own solutions, release their emotions, and gather their strength to tackle the next step. Silence and non-verbal communication are often best when there isn’t anything to say. An arm around the person’s shoulders with a warm presence can be of greater comfort than any words.

Listening in silence may be the most demanding practice there is. We have a bad habit of jumping into the conversation to fill the silence to cover up our discomfort. Give people time to clarify their thoughts and reflect in quietness. They may need to dig deep inside themselves to find strength and courage, and to discover the appropriate words and their own answers. In this space, you are offering them the opportunity to connect with their heart to draw on their inner wisdom. Intervene only when necessary. Sitting at the bedside, holding hands, staying still with a quiet mind may sound effortless, but try to do it for just ten minutes with a healthy friend. Minutes may seem like hours when worries come to your mind, I don’t know how to approach this subject, I feel helpless in handling intense emotions; my suggestions may or may not be appropriate… Receiving a comionate presence during their dreadful experience is reassuring. The person might your visit by the feeling you have transmitted more than a profusion of words.

“The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention…

A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words.” Rachel Naomi Remen²⁴

Communication goes beyond mere words. It is one of the most important keys for building trustworthy relationships. I’m hearing your thoughts, I feel inadequate. I’m nervous just thinking about being at her bedside. How can I be trustworthy? What should I say? How do I answer her questions? We don’t know where and how to begin, which words to use or when is the perfect time and space to do so. And the longer we wait, the worse it gets. We don’t know how much time we have left and when the last day will come. The basic guidelines are:

•Know who you are and who the person is. Consider that your differences in values, culture, and language might cause misunderstandings. •Know what you need to say. Make a list and spell it out if necessary. •Observe your communication style and patterns. Make the necessary changes if you need to. •Observe your inner reactions. Past experience and memories might create barriers and trigger defence mechanisms. •Observe people’s reactions: do they confide in you or are they avoiding sharing their real emotions and concerns?

Guidelines are meant to be adapted for each situation, relationship, and personal style. There are no specific recipes. Some people are straightforward in their approach while others give lengthy explanations. Observing and listening the space of the conversation and keep it flowing. You can use questions similar to the following to the accuracy of your perception and to make

sure you are on the right track:

•I’m not sure I understood you correctly. Can you tell me a little more? •Are you saying that it would…? •What do you mean by…? •What do you think about it? •What is your reaction to this…? •How do you feel about it? •It sounds like (XYZ) is very important to you.

The most important thing I have learned in working with the dying is: be truthful. Lying breaks communication. The person will know and feel it when you disguise the truth. She will close herself to you like an oyster does in the face of danger. A wall will be erected between you two. It will be the beginning of mistrust toward you and everyone else. It’s better to say nothing or “I don’t know,” “That’s a good question,” or “I will find out” rather than trying to hide your inexperience and lack of knowledge. Listen attentively to what she has to say and respect her silence. Observe her non-verbal language, reactions, the underlying message. Welcome the next word, thought, and insight with an open mind. You are building the foundation of authenticity, integrity, and truthfulness for emotional and spiritual in her journey.

We may have years of experience, but when it’s time to accompany a close one it’s another story. Communication can be really challenging as learned skills suddenly vanish. Our heart may be open or closed, actions could be gentle or brisk, our words loving or harsh. Personal history gets in the way, blinding us with its emotions and fears that are frozen in time. We don’t want to live our life with regrets and unresolved issues. Still, we need to kick ourselves—you know

where—to take an extra step in expressing and sharing what needs to be said. It can be very awkward for the dying and for the close ones. This is when nonverbal communication becomes essential. Take time to observe every gesture and facial expression. By doing so, you will discover the underlying message better than with words.

You can also use your senses—sight, sound, smell, touch, and taste—to know their feelings and state of mind.

•Is the environment too noisy or too busy? •Is the meal too spicy or bland? •Is there a foul smell in the room?

Some people might long for distractions such as reading, going outside for fresh air, listening to their favourite music, playing a board game, or watching a good movie. Follow their lead. Ask what will please them and observe their reactions with your undivided attention so you can recognize what they really want. They also have a responsibility in the conversation. Give them control on the subject of the day. You are there for them. You can always redirect the conversation to your concerns later when it’s appropriate.

“You don’t have to say anything. You don’t have to teach anything. You just have to be who you are: a bright flame shining in the darkness of despair, a shining example of a person able to cross bridges by opening your heart and mind.” Tsoknyi Rinpoche²⁵

Take time to communicate; don’t rush into it. Too many questions could prevent the dying from opening up, which might suppress their emotions at a time when only a reassuring presence can provide what is needed. Let the words unfold, especially vis-à-vis important or difficult issues. Sometimes, emotions aren’t easy to express accurately, there might be no words for them, or the person may not be ready. If the best you can do is stay in silence and be fully present with an open heart, So Be It! Words tend to break the magic, especially when one has difficulty communicating or describing clearly what is going on in her body/mind/spirit. Being still in your inner peace is a powerful moment, as it creates a Sacred Space in which you can communicate soul to soul. Isn’t being together in a comionate embrace good enough? Let time unfold, leaning into what is and be gentle with each other every second. The experience could be one of meeting the other in this precious moment from the essence of who you are. This is as meaningful as it can get. This is a building block for what will come in the near future. that this is a learning process, and you are growing from it together.

Some people don’t want to talk about death and dying. Others become intolerant of superficial conversations. When the time is right, they will lead you onto deeper subjects such as reflections on their life, existential contemplations, or readiness for their transition. They may need to know that you will always be there for them. They may need to be reassured that their children will be taken care of after their transition. They may need to know you will be fine and able to move on after their departure. They may need to receive your permission to die. They may be waiting for you to let them go.

Story Time

She Wasn’t Ready Yet

She wasn’t eating or drinking in the last few weeks. The young mother and spouse was so emaciated and fragile that it was very difficult to tend to her basic care without causing pain and discomfort. For some reason, she wasn’t ready to complete her transition just yet. Something was holding her back. We suspected she was waiting for her spouse to let her go. It was heartbreaking to watch his anguish while trying to console their young son. The staff were helping him in his overwhelmingly torn heart, bringing awareness in his grief, and accompanying him every step of the way. But it was now in his hands to complete the process.

The social worker was also involved with the emotional and spiritual care of the five-year-old boy. She invited him to her office, which displayed a good selection of toys. While he was playing games in the sandbox or colouring with crayons, she observed his reactions, and assessed his understanding and coping mechanisms. Even though his aunts were doing their best to protect him from this tragedy, he knew his mother was dying. Children absorb much more than adults want to believe. At school, his teacher and the school counsellor offered a ive environment in which he could express his emotions in his own way and his own time.

And one day, while playing with his superhero under her vigilant presence, the boy murmured, “I didn’t have my mommy long enough.”

Soon after, his father spent more time in the chapel. Suddenly, while praying, something inside him changed. He knew it was time to release her. He was ready.

“I’m surrendering to Your will. May she be blessed with Your Eternal Love,” he prayed.

Shortly after, holding his son’s hand, he went back to his wife’s bedroom just in time to witness her last breath.

One More Question

So many questions come to mind when we embark into this unknown territory. Small talks can lead to profound conversations. We can slide in one question or two and then follow the rhythm of the dialogue.

The person at the end of life needs a good listener to reflect on existential and emotional concerns such as:

•Why me? •What was my life all about? •What will happen to my children, spouse, family? •What is going to happen tomorrow and the day after? •How can I, in my present condition, still enjoy the time left?

We may want to investigate his desires a bit further with practical questions such as:

•Is there anything that could enhance your comfort? •Is there anything we can do to diminish your worries? •Is there anything you would like to do today? •What would be meaningful to you at this time?

•How can we help you complete your project or dream? •Do you wish to see someone in particular? •Is there someone you would like to talk to or leave a message for?

We could direct the conversation to explore important matters in preparation for his transition:

•What do you wish for yourself when the time comes? •Do you want to stay home to the end if it’s possible? •Whom do you want at your side? •How much does your family know about your wishes? •Would you like a special reading or music? •Do you want a special ritual to celebrate your life?

On a personal level, we may want to reflect on our own questions:

•What is my attitude? •Am I being genuinely ive? •Am I bringing love and/or comion to his side? •How can I make this experience more meaningful? •Is there anything I would want to say, do, or resolve?

When I am with people, I accept the present moment we are sharing as it is, and I work hard to feel the emotions that they feel, to hear the words they are saying, and to let them own their pain and distress. It belongs to them.” Claude Mailloux²

By welcoming end-of-life questions, we could help to release much angst before and during transition. The dying may want to understand who they are and reflect on their contributions within their family, friendships, and community. The meaning of their life may be right in front of their nose, so obvious and at the same time so blurred. They may wonder about their accomplishments and need guidance in finding something of which they can be proud. Personal and professional accomplishments vary and often take place behind the scenes without bells and whistles. Just to name a few extraordinary ones that are part of daily living: raising their family, working long hours to put food on the table, being a carer for a disabled or sick parent, playing a role and volunteering within the community. On an inner level, their legacy could have been breaking a cycle of poverty or alcoholism, which is an accomplishment in itself and an ultimate gift for future generations. It takes tremendous determination and resilience just going through life, which is, by its very nature, an inspiration in trying times. As you see, accomplishments are not necessarily about accumulation of wealth or social status.

When the question arises, take the time to identify the challenges and difficulties the person had to overcome. Bring them to his attention and acknowledge them from another perspective. It may seem insignificant to him, but seeing the bigger

picture may enhance his awareness of his own life story. Recognizing the fullness of one’s life, at least parts of it, is a way of honouring and bringing peace of mind.

Story Time

Meaningful Accomplishments

His Living Legacy

Her father arrived in Canada as a young man escaping the war in Europe. Everything in this new country was foreign to him: social life, culture, language, weather…Thankfully, he was greeted by the Ukrainian community that had gone through the same experience. In receiving timely , he was able to adapt to his new environment, learn the basic survival skills, and find work to himself. He didn’t dwell on missed opportunities or lost dreams. He moved on with courage and had a fulfilling life. He got married and raised a family of three children. He provided for them, met their basic needs, and gave them a good education. He was also very involved in his community because giving back was part of his values. His commitment, integrity, and determination were his living legacy that was ed on to the next generation.

Gratitude 180 Years Later

I’m just in from the country, visiting my ancestors…and talking to them while standing on their pioneer grave. I thanked them for their courage to leave Ireland in the 1840s to come to Canada to create a better future. I reassured them that as sure as I was standing over their bones, I am a product of their dream, and I am one of many of their descendants who are still here carrying out their legacy. Slan!

Clarifying Our Perception

Our shared experiences may have distorted the present reality while accompanying a close one. We may still perceive the person frozen in time as they were thirty or fifty years ago, as if they had never evolved. Our emotional attachment to past issues might have clouded our rational mind. We may jump to conclusions too fast, not taking the time to reflect and if we are on the right track. The close one can also interpret our words through the filter of his own preconceived assumptions and expectations. How important it is to bring clarity to situations or specific subjects, even if we are at a loss for words, so that there will be no future regrets.

Story Time

There Are Many Great Joys

A question lingered in my mind, and I thought, This is the time to ask or it will bother me forever. This man is only sixty-two years old. Only now can he live in peace, but cancer took its toll on him. All his life, my father toiled and struggled as a farmer, gold miner, and lumberjack to earn a living for his family. I wondered if he had some happiness through his tough life. I needed to know the truth and perhaps find some peace in my heart. From my point of view, his life seemed harsh and unfair, but was it his reality or only my impression? By the same token, I may gain some of his wisdom.

My curiosity made him smile more than once.

“You always have to know everything.” he said.

I detected appreciation in the twinkle of his eyes for showing interest in his experience. The question led to retrospection, reflection, and a search for a meaning in his journey. His answer would be short, simple, and direct to the point. My father was a man of few words. He didn’t waste time in lengthy conversation. I knew I had to brace myself during this meaningful silence that felt suspended in eternity.

At last, the answer came out.

“There are great joys in raising children.”

I was moved to hear that his eight kids gave him multiple moments of happiness. His marriage was difficult, to say the least, but his love for his children brought happiness to his life. Despite everything, he kept going, smiling, and laughing, hiding his despair and anguish in challenging situations. It was a gift to these things with him and change my interpretation of what seemed a life of misery.

His wisdom has taught me that whatever life sends you, you make the best of it. Determination and resilience pay off in the long run. This conversation will stay in my memory forever. His teaching has already sent ripple effects to people who are living in similar dire situations. They have learned to change their own perception and be at peace with whatever the outcomes are.

What Would Your Answer Have Been?

Questions don’t really come out of the blue. The dying may have been contemplating an issue for hours or even days. Each step taken from the diagnosis to this moment brings concerns and worries, adjustments and explanations, and, most important, time for integration. So, questions like: “What do you think of…? Is it normal to expect this…? Lately, I had this feeling…” are a continuum of their reflections. They may be trying to understand what’s happening to them at all levels, to figure out the progression of the disease, and eventually prepare for their transition. They may need to talk about it so they can find their own answers. A sounding board is essential to clarify details, confirm whether their thoughts make sense or, at times, consult with an expert to go deeper in their soul search. Our own attitude and honesty reassure the dying that they can trust in our unconditional no matter what. If we don’t have the information, we say so and find out together.

The following story is an exercise to practise how to deal with a specific question. As you are reading it, put yourself in the narrator’s shoes and imagine your reaction and your answer to your close one. You can modify the question to reflect your own experience.

Story Time

Rocky Shore

Once upon a time not so long ago, we were walking along a narrow river enjoying the warm sun and blooming nature. The rolling stream had no mercy for my busy mind. Thoughts were echoing over and over again. Let go. Enough of this sadness. Yes, he is dying, but not today and not tomorrow. Today is about enjoying this lovely day. I didn’t know how to relax. A dark cloud followed me everywhere every minute, exhausting my heart, drowning my lungs. I was still in shock three months after his diagnosis. We were like warriors resting after our first battle and integrating the course of events that were swirling out of control.

Sitting by the rocky shore, we were observing the cascading water grinding up multitudes of debris on its age. I was listening to its rapid flow while practising grounding in the present, but I felt as though the water was mocking me as if it knew I would be shaken deep in my bones in a few moments. Is it reading my spouse’s mind? Was River already laughing at my reaction and eager to witness how I will deal with the coming question?

“What happens when we die?”

Before you read the next paragraph, how would you answer this question? Take a minute or two. Be spontaneous. There are many ways to approach it depending on your close one, your communication style, and your experience. , there are no right or wrong answers.

______________________________

______________________________

There it is, out of nowhere filling the air. I was in disbelief. The world was crumbling apart. I was ready to burst into tears, but it wasn’t the time. I wanted to run away, but he needed to talk about it, to understand. Breathe in. Breathe out. The question is so vague. What does he want to know exactly? I shouldn’t assume I understand. Clarifying will give me time to recenter and stay on course. There are too many possibilities here.

“What do you mean exactly?”

“How do we know we are dead and not just unconscious? When I fell last spring, I blacked out. I didn’t anything during that time. I could have been dead and not have known it.”

Reflection: How would you feel about this question? How would you answer? Take a minute or two. Be spontaneous. In real time, you have only a few seconds to respond.

______________________________

______________________________

At last, the clarification is out now. I’m relieved. He wasn’t asking about life after death. He doesn’t want to know about pain or physical changes. It’s straightforward. That’s a good beginning for now. How important to understand

fully the meaning of his question. I would have taken another tangent and missed the opportunity to alleviate his distress, plus I would have gotten lost in some esoteric discussion. Breathe in. Breathe out. I’m listening carefully to every word.

Time stood still, stretching to its limit. Please, God, help me; send me an insight. Breathe in. Breathe out. My mind was racing, looking for the underlying meaning of this question. My heart was pounding in rhythm with the cascading water.

River murmured, “How are you going to handle this one, you, the expert on dying?”

My experience taught me that we don’t always have the answer. I have learned to trust my inner voice. Stay focused. Stay in the moment. Be with him. Don’t jump in. Stay in silence. Just give your best…that’s all you can do right now. In these few short seconds, I let go of my fears, my ego, my helplessness.

Just breathe in. Breathe out. Let him guide you to what he really needs. I know that inspiration will come with the right words. Keep it simple, one step at a time. Observe and listen to his body language. Breathe. At last, my soul whispered an answer…

“Being unconscious is very different than dying,” I said. “When you become unconscious, you lose awareness of yourself and your surroundings; it’s a blackout, as you have experienced. Dying is a different story. There are countless stories from people who have been reanimated from a heart attack. They share this similar experience: They are aware of everything that happens around them, down to minute details including conversations before they are brought back to life.²⁷ What do you believe happens when someone dies?”

Thinking of a similar conversation with a close one, what else would you add? Would you take the lead in bringing up one of your concerns?

________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________

I have consulted with professional health-care colleagues for their input on this question. Here is a summary of their suggestions:

•Returning the question back to him was the best thing you could do to clarify your understanding. •Respecting his belief at this time of his life diminishes possible confusion. Wait for his lead on this subject. It will come soon enough. Get ready for it by being aware of your own beliefs without imposing them as being the truth. •He wasn’t expressing any concerns, fears, or a dilemma about facing death, but it may come up in the future. Refine your knowledge so you won’t be taken aback and you will be able to answer properly. •Keep communication open by welcoming anything that comes up so you will know where he is on his journey.

Each question and conversation have an underlying meaning. It’s up to you to listen with undivided attention to the space created between you two. The person may be reflecting on what is troubling him, trusting your confident attitude and comionate presence. He is the one who has to find his own answers and his

own resolution without getting unsolicited suggestions or opinions. An empowering relationship will lead him to his own wisdom. In good time, he will request additional information, so you don’t need to jump in just yet. You can use this extra time to gather knowledge from readings and from professional consultations.

Chapter 10

Transformation and Freedom in Relationships

The Source of Love resides in your heart. Connecting with it will help you to heal everything, as Love is the Source of Healing.

Myriam LaVoie

As social beings, we belong to a network in which we are loved, ed, and valued—or we should be, in a perfect, nurturing environment. Our family of origin was the first social group in which significant carers had one of the greatest influences on our development, personality, and approach to life. Growing up with our family might be the most challenging relationship, for they encom memories of nurturing and safety as well as histories of conflicts, untold secrets, addictions, and other issues that are often buried deep in our cells and genes that were transmitted from generation to generation. Adding to the family circumstances are societal contexts of war, disaster, segregation, and so on, that could have caused much suffering. Later on, our social development expands with networks of friends, neighbours, colleagues, and acquaintances. All along, we are learning to adapt to changing environments and people as they appear in our circle, while others leave us to pursue their own path.

Experiences, actions, and words could have impacted you beyond anything you can imagine. Holding onto past stories with grudges or bitterness restrains you from being who you want to be. You are much more than your past experiences, so why are you holding onto the hurt? Is it to show the world the wrong that has been done to you? But the world knows. Everyone has gone through some kind of physical, emotional, psychological, or spiritual neglect, rejection, betrayal, abandonment… Try to find one person who hasn’t been hurt. The world knows or at least has a sense of your pain, shadows, and memories that overtake your spirit. Life is too short to be drowned in your murky mind. It’s like being chained to the persecutor or “Drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”²⁸ It’s not really the past hurt that is destroying you the most, but the ongoing poison that is grasping you and restraining you in the depth of selfdestruction. How do we get rid of this poison? It is essential to begin addressing the issue at hand while you still have a healthy mind and body. Ask yourself, Do I want to be angry, distressed, or depressed for the rest of my life? Do I want to be stuck forever in these old patterns? How long do I want to carry suffering and pain? Months? Years? Is it really worth it? The one who is hurt the most by dwelling on the past over and over again is yourself. There is no honour in living with such suffering. Let your past experiences seep out of your being.

At a soul level, all is dissolved beyond the unforgivable, the unacceptable… beyond reconciliation. Be aware and accept who you are without any additional guilt, shame, anger, blame…Observe how you feel and react to your family, friends, and colleagues in various situations and circumstances. Any emotions that cling to you or resurface for no apparent reason or leave an uneasiness, are sure signs that you need to pay attention because these issues are revealing a part of your being that calls for healing. It’s an opportunity to pay attention to them, be with them, and find the means to heal them.

We are stuck in emotions or feelings that blind us and prevent us from reaching joy and harmony. It’s like wearing an old pair of glasses that tints our situation with a different colour than reality. As an example, anger related to childhood colours the current issue with a red-hued lens, preventing kind people from entering in our life. A fear of abandonment may create a grey shadow on a new friendship, thwarting trust. We can’t or don’t want to see clearly in the given opportunities just yet. We may need to mend and straighten out some of our relationships. We may want to forgive ourselves for a role we played in a difficult situation. No one is perfect. Forgiving doesn’t mean excusing, acquitting, forgetting, or reg yourself to the wrong that was done to us. It means we are coming to with painful memories by releasing our reactions and emotions toward them. Forgiving allows us the choice to resume our life with or without relationships that don’t serve us anymore. It doesn’t mean leaving hurtful people suddenly, but at the very least we can distance ourself, start to move away from them, or at least limit our exposure to them. It means we have the choice to let go of their control and/or the restraints they have on us. It may be difficult at first, but in time we will gain self-confidence and peace.

Emotions flare up. I have witnessed how difficult it is to resolve issues in a very limited time at the end of life zillions of times. Some people are not ready to deal with their past, and they may not understand why a close one might want to dig out memories. “Better to sweep it under the carpet than face it.” Or they may perceive the suffering as meaningless. They may have healed and moved on with their own life. The worst scenario is that the abs may have forgotten the experience altogether or not even be aware of the extent of their words and actions. Perhaps they don’t know how to make amends or they are too afraid to

open the door to reconciliation.

“The more shared past there is in a relationship, the more present you need to be; otherwise, you will be forced to relive the past again and again.” Eckhart Tolle²

You may know people who are struggling with an unresolved issue and are unaware of their tendency to suppress their feelings or to project their misery on others. They may be oblivious to how they are straining their relationships to the point of causing breakdowns in their circles of family and friends. Suffering creates an inner void that is often compensated for with alcohol, drugs, work, among others. Do you know that feeling or anyone who took one of these avenues? Ask yourself this simple question, Can I forgive them for not being perfect? If you can do it at least in the Sacred Space of the dying, miracles can unfold unexpectedly. Sibling rivalries still resurface over a genuine or perceived family member’s attitude. Chaos, denial, codependency, bargaining, and indifference reflect the unresolved. How overwhelming it is to experience such animosity at the dying’s bedside. Crisis may blow out of proportion, creating new cycles of misunderstanding. Dwelling on past situations or experiences only poisons your relationships. Actually, the root of pain is mainly related to the absence and lack of love, its distortion and manipulation, or destructive and conditional love.

Being able to look at the issue, recognize and clarify it with honesty and openness, and to accept it as is are huge steps toward healing. Seizing the occasion to resolve long-standing problems is one of the end-of-life gifts. It is time to build trust and create bridges between broken hearts with a minimum of words, patience, and comion. The dying person has nothing to prove anymore. The past is vanishing, the future is transitory. Only this moment counts. Your interaction isn’t just for her; it is for yourself first. The good news is that in the final moments, most of the dying are opening up to forgiveness,

which fosters an opportunity to heal wounds in an open-hearted exchange. This can be very powerful and transformative for everyone involved. It’s an optimal time to change inaccurate perceptions of a past situation. Different attitudes and mindsets bring different results. Once you have reached her and done your part, it is up to her to make the next move. It is now her responsibility to grasp the opportunity. And you cannot do it for her. No one can predict how a person will react—even more so at the end of life.

Holding onto forgiveness is holding onto love for yourself and others. Giving or receiving forgiveness will bring some inner reconciliation. Forgiving yourself and others will free your heart, lighten your life, and bring more joy to your journey. Your energy will change your life. At the very least, your reaction to whatever comes will improve. You may ask yourself, Does it really matter? and adjust your response along the way. In letting go of old grudges, you will discover the true Self that is reaching for more fulfilling experiences. NOW is the time to regain joy and expand your everlasting energy of love from your heart. What would it be like to live from a renewed perspective, realizing that all possibilities are opening to you? The choices are now yours and yours only. Choose to start fresh every morning and stick to it for as long as you can. Fill your space with renewed joy and happiness. Choose to shine forth your inner light and watch how life unfolds in the process. Observe what comes to you when you stay connected to your true Self and compare it to the times you were disconnected and had lost your way. It may be like day and night. The world expects you to rise, to stand up for yourself, to reach for the best of your Being. The world wants you to be happy. The world wants to celebrate your new inner freedom.

Facing the inner shadows can be scary, but it is worth it. It’s time to let go and to take one step further toward joy. that everything changes in life; why not accelerate your healing process now? Be brave enough to jump into the venture and attain your freedom sooner. The first step in relieving suffering is sensing it just the way it is now without repressing or denying it; otherwise, its source will only come back to haunt you threefold later. Past is past; you cannot go back to change it, but you can correct it, make amends, and forgive. It may take days or weeks to be resolved. Don’t wait too long—the clock is ticking.

There is no need for interpretation. There is only acceptance for what is while focusing on the person in front of you without expectations or personal agenda.

You need to cleanse that junk bit by bit, step by step. You don’t want it to run your life and create feelings that are contradictory to who you really are at heart level. In her book Facing Death and Finding Hope, Christine Longaker explained how the long-standing suffering or painful experiences in the grieving process are related to the love we held back from one another.³ Once your heart has released the weight of its burden, lightness can then flood within you. You are so worthy of living from your true Self within loving relationships. There is no time to waste; let’s start now, one day at a time, until you discover your most shining Self. You may need help in this process, whether in the form of a trustworthy and nurturing friend, a partner, or a counsellor. Professionals could bring an understanding of the dynamics at play and help you transform the pain and suffering into acceptance and inner wisdom. Be humble in the process. Keep an open mind and trust that you are getting better and closer to your goal, day by day. You need to have enough comion toward yourself to reach out and find a way to get out of these murky shadows of your being. You need to free—or at least lighten—the burden repressed in your core. You don’t need to stay stuck in the unforgivable, the unlovable, the untold.

There are various methods and techniques available that can meet your needs and personality, as you will see later. You could start with the following questions. Take a few minutes or an hour a day to contemplate them.

•What is the meaning of this emotional or physical pain? •Am I attached to a particular emotion? What can I do to transform it? •Is there any outstanding conflict that needs my attention? •Am I identifying with beliefs such as “This is me. This is my persona”? •What am I getting from this situation? Does it still serve me?

•What do I need to let go of?

The key is to deal with these issues as soon as they present themselves. Make things right as you are travelling on your life’s path. Oh, yes, what a drag. And what a gift. It’s a gift from the Inner Self to bring up blockages that you may not even be aware of. It’s time to let go of long-standing issues, to break the cycle of anguish, depression, fear, addiction…for yourself, others, and future generations. Burn them within your inner fire of love. When you do, the present will be clearer and easier to live with because it won’t be filtered and intertwined with distant memories. Become an example of courage and perseverance.

Stay centered, observe the triggers, recognize them, and let them go. Imagine them sliding off your mind like water off a duck’s back. There might be little time before the person will complete her transition; no time for lengthy explanations or to say your goodbyes. The issues may have created such a gulf between the two of you that it might be difficult to reach one another, but your gain will be immeasurable, for yourself first and foremost. Practise your favourite healing method or meditation. You have an opportunity to be aware of your inner puzzle, to put the pieces together, to release your conscious or subconscious emotions. Life is so generous in sending you opportunities to become aware, heal yourself, grow, and set yourself free. Clearing issues will change the relationship dynamic. It will bring more peace and love to your heart, mind, and spirit. And then you will be able to fill the cleared inner space with joy and happiness.

Story Time

Tears Streaming Down Softly

Here we go again. I don’t have a clue about what he is requesting. He cannot communicate what he wants. His aphasia is taking a toll on us. I’m usually very patient but, between medical appointments, heavy traffic and insomnia—to name just a few things—it has been a demanding day. I’m at the end of my rope. What is he saying? The picture communication board is useless. There he is trying to explain in many ways what he needs. I really ire his perseverance, but I want out of this situation. I look at him in despair. I’m tired. My mind is ready to explode. Emotions are building up. I want to run away to another planet. I want to escape from this feeling of being trapped in a helpless situation. Twenty minutes later, we are going nowhere. I have to change my attitude and let go of my exasperating silence. It’s time to pause before I say something I would regret.

“Let’s take a break, if you don’t mind. We will talk about it tomorrow.”

The experience engulfs me in raw emotions. His condition is quite manageable for now. What am I complaining about? Months from now, it will only worsen. I feel terrible. I promised myself to not go down that path, but I get caught more often these last few weeks. I sink down into the couch feeling depressed and hopeless. Should I call a friend? No, I don’t want to burden them with my bad mood.

Suddenly, a line from an old movie comes to mind: “Where is your spiritual practice?” In this story, a grandmother was very angry at her grandson’s selfdestructive behaviour. She was getting ready to visit him at the hospital. As she was walking out the door, she stopped herself in her tracks, What are you doing? You cannot bring this anger to him. It will only cause more anguish. Where is your spiritual practice? This recollection shook me up.

I sat straighter, knowing how important it is to emerge from the ebbs and let go of these upsetting emotions. For a little while, I forgot who I was. It was time to come back to the present as a spiritual being struggling in a humbling human experience. Breathing gently, I simply placed my hands on my heart and started transmitting Reiki to myself. Tears were streaming down softly. Nothing should be repressed in my body. I don’t want bitterness and anger to be stuck in my Being and poison the space between the two of us. My suffering must be transmuted so I can return to my loving self. This will too. There will be better days.

“As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead me to freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.” Nelson Mandela³¹

Chapter 11

Conscious Gifts of Transformation

The process of a caterpillar becoming a butterfly is one of total trust. The caterpillar lives, eats, reproduces, and fulfils its raison d’être as an insect. Instinctively, it knows when the time is ripe to start building its chrysalis. This tiny creature carries on patiently to the next level of its existence through transmutation. Does the caterpillar feel it’s the end of the world? It surely is the end of what it has known up to now. But it continues its journey and the miracle happens: the chrysalis opens, it stretches its legs one by one, its wings emerge glittering in the sun. Once the butterfly is ready to fly, it takes a leap of faith into the unknown and launches itself into a new life to be discovered.

Comparing this process of transformation with people in their transition is inspiring and brings hope. Their room becomes their cocoon filled with familiar objects, grandchildren’s drawings, favourite music, and sounds of nature. It represents a part of a known reality in which ongoing changes are settling within their body as the process evolves. It can be scary; fears may arise. This is a time in which the person connects with his own spiritual practice and prepares his way to the beyond, just as the butterfly does when taking a leap of faith. The dying person sees and feels his body transforming. His old envelope is becoming a chrysalis in which his organs are shutting down one by one. Breathing becomes laborious.

The Ultimate age is approaching. Last words are whispered through dry lips. Quiet sorrows are streaming down on sunken cheeks. Inner waves of deep wisdom are bursting in appreciation. Like the butterfly, the spirit wings are growing and strengthening. Tranquil faith harmonizes with the rhythms of life. Birds are chirping in a welcome rain, a gust of wind is holding its breath for a

moment, familiar sounds of music are rising from afar. Listening to the outer journey can be a short-lived, soothing comfort, and the clock is ticking. It’s a reminder of the short time remaining for an unsought verdict too soon or too late. Confusion and exhaustion are at play in a no man’s land.

Partly here and partly in the unknown, the dying person is standing on the threshold as if someone or something is holding him. He may feel resistance, moments of sorrow, or resentment. He may want to see one more person or fulfil one last wish. He might want to die alone, not wanting to impose this experience on his family. He may need a friendly voice, a caring hand, a loving presence reassuring him up to his last breath. He may want to give this precious moment to someone who will be touched by the experience. And the clock is still ticking as the chrysalis is thinning out gradually…

Time slows down and is almost still. Breathing becomes laboured and shallow. Between two breaths, we are holding ours too, listening and observing every iota of change as life is fading away. An eternity slips by before he exhales into the depth of the unknown. Then gently, sometimes forcefully, the lungs grasp for more air as awareness whispers, Will it be the last one? Life resides stubbornly in this human shadow of himself while hope vanishes in the dimension of the heart. Emotions are rising in a rainbow of hues, building a bridge toward the ultimate sacred journey.

It’s Never Too Late

“Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.” Robert Brault³²

At the end of life, there might not be enough time to face issues that have lingered or been suppressed for decades; or it may be too difficult to bring them up at that point. Too many people wait until the last minute. The dying person may be too weak to explain or verbalize his regrets, ask for forgiveness, or handle an honest discussion. Sickness may bring confusion, loss of memory, intense pain, or quicker deterioration than anticipated. What if the person becomes unconscious or comatose as his body and mind fade away?

Well, communication is still possible, as he may still hear your voice and feel your gentle touch and warm presence, if not physically, at a soul or consciousness level.³³ Speak freely, heart to heart. Use a normal tone of voice and be as relaxed as you can. Now you have his undivided attention since he can’t react or answer back to you. You might even feel more secure and at ease to lighten your heart, mind, and spirit. Spill out your concerns, regrets, past burdens, what should have been done or shouldn’t have been done—whatever you need to get off your chest. Leave no word unspoken. The dying person may feel tremendous anguish because he wasn’t able to clear up unresolved issues and has not come to with his past. It’s a perfect time to give and ask for forgiveness so you can move on too, by replacing these hurts with tranquility. Speak about the good memories, what you have appreciated and learned. You may want to add that you and his close ones will be fine. Perhaps your heart communication will touch him at a subconscious level. It may melt down his suffering as well as yours. Heart-to-heart communication is an ultimate opportunity to free yourself and free him before transition. This is the ultimate

gift for all of you—the deceased and everyone involved in his life.

Cleansing inner obstacles will lighten the family ties so that light and love can flow through our Being. It’s like a room full of stuff: old stuff, “just-in-case stuff,” junk stuff that is bursting from the closet. We can’t breathe properly in that cloud of dust and suspicious smells; we can hardly move through the unidentified clutter. We can compare this stuff with emotions and thoughts related to past experiences. Most of us have, consciously or subconsciously, troubled memories that prevent us from taking the step we need to live our life. They cloud our larger vision of a brighter future and paralyze us, so we cannot fulfil our dreams. The question is: Do we want to live in mistrust, jealousy, and misery until our own last breath? We have the choice. We are free to transform and create a new storyline for ourselves so that we release our stress, thoughts, and emotions. We can rewrite our story as it should have been: filled with love, , guidance, and acknowledgement of who we are. We can imagine a happy childhood with loving parents and significant others who protected us and provided us with everything we needed to grow up in perfect balance of body, mind, and spirit. We can imagine that we were accepted and free to express our creative and authentic self in a ive environment and community that encouraged us to live to our full potential. Changing our narrative until it becomes integrated in our Being creates a better future in which we can make new choices that reflect our new Self. We can live freer from unnecessary drama in the present circumstances. We can live from our inner joy that is our birthright.

“When we deny our stories, they define us. When we own our stories, we get to write the ending.” Brené Brown³⁴

Right now, you are sitting by someone who is breathing his last. If the past relationship didn’t exist between the two of you, how would you relate and react to this human being? Would you be able to see this person as someone who has

lived oblivious of the consequences of his actions? Imagine this person as being you in the future: you have lived through difficulties just as he did, making different mistakes that have affected your close ones in one way or another. With this perspective, could you find a bit of comion for both of you? Could you open your heart a little? Can you break your protective shell at least enough for the light to flow in?

It’s never too late to let go of the past and reach for some kind of reconciliation. This is a time to be creative in finding a way to communicate; this is your last chance. It can be done face to face, by letters or recorded messages, or through a voice or video call if you live far away. Settling your relationship can also be done in the inner space within your own heart and mind, in your home, or at his bedside. Communication doesn’t have to be done out loud. You can use one of the visualizations “Healing with Love” or “An Inner Dialogue” in the next chapter as a guide. It will be enough to relieve some of the conscious or subconscious obstacles and resistance. Prepare yourself for what you need to say and then express it as soon as you can, even within the last few hours of the person’s transition. Keep the inner conversation going until you find your own resolution. Once your heart has expressed its burden, the weight it carries will diminish. Then you can let lightness flood within you, and love and peace will inhabit both of you and perhaps the significant others as well. Bringing love and comion within the Sacred Space of the dying can free their mind and spirit and enable them to connect to their own true Self. This is an ultimate gift and a legacy to be transmitted and cherished for each and every one.

“Go inside yourself to that quiet place where you are wisdom. Wisdom has in it comion. Comion understands about life and death.” Ram Dass³⁵

“What if I don’t arrive in time at his bedside?” Did I say it’s never too late? You can still speak to the person after his transition. Time and space are irrelevant

and have no limits in the afterlife. The unspoken words can be heard from soul to soul without his personality and ego in the way as they dissolve after the transition. His soul hears you and understands you clearly beyond words. Express everything you need to express. Don’t censure. You don’t want to carry this heartache for the rest of your life. The energy between and within both of you will be cleared and will ease accumulation of hurts and bad feelings in your body, mind, and spirit. The relationship will be healed even if the person has refused any connection before. Intend and trust that all is resolved. Your heartache might become a distant memory that can be filed away. You have a choice to make: ask yourself if your decision is contracting you in some way or if it empowers you. Open the hand that is holding onto the grief so it can flow like water through your fingers and fill that space with joy and freedom. Be gentle and loving with yourself. Lighten your heart so you can soar with grace. Oneness. We are together in the One. All is absolved.

Story Time

Last Whispers of Love

“Take this hat with you. The sun is blazing hot.”

He is wheeling me down to the hospice garden in a comfortable La-Z-Boy, covered with a colourful quilt. It may be hot out there, but I’m shivering, nonetheless. Maple tree has been faithfully greeting me daily under its majestic canopy. In full bloom now, roses and dahlias are sharing their delightful scents in subtle waves, attracting busy bees who are savouring their nectar of life. Not so long ago, I was tending my own garden just like the gardener. Mary’s gentle touch reminds me of the pleasure I had tending to this amazing miracle. From a seed, life blooms in a divine beauty that wakens all our senses.

Oh, butterfly is landing on my hand. Such a precious comfort from nature. For a moment, I let my thoughts float away on the gentle breeze toward the river. Butterfly reminds me to reach deep in my soul and rest before the children come back from their dinner. They have shared their loving presence with me every day for several weeks. We have talked and talked, maybe too much. Should we have to disclose everything? Some family secrets are better kept hidden. Well, anyway, I feel so much lighter now, but I can feel how much they are affected by them. They surely need a break to regenerate their energy.

“Go, go, go,” I said. “Don’t worry about me. I feel fine. I’m in good hands. Take your time and enjoy your meal. Have a glass of wine for me.”

I feel so blessed to have them at my side. My heart is overflowing with gratitude. Now it’s time for a siesta, and I let myself drift away into dreamland. I wonder if I could them in spirit?

Butterfly stands by on the edge of her goodbyes, capturing her last whispers of love…

Chapter 12

Tools for Transformation

There are many ways to transform ourselves. Some tools are simple, while others demand extensive practice. I have gathered a few easy methods that will appeal to beginners and to the more advanced. At times, we benefit by reviewing the basics so we can go into greater depths on our journey. What is important is to take steps to let go of the things that no longer serve us. Only then can we move to the next chapter of our life.

Visualization: Healing with Love

This simple visualization will help transform a relationship with one person or a number of people. This method consists of two steps: (1) Quieting your mind and filling yourself with love; and (2) Expanding love to a person, relationship, or situation.

Step 1 - Quieting your mind and filling yourself with love

•Find a quiet space. Put a “Do Not Disturb” sign on the door if necessary. •Sit down in a comfortable position: feet on the ground, spine straight yet natural, shoulders relaxed. Close your eyes. •Breathe in. Breathe out. Take slow and relaxing breaths. Follow your natural rhythm. There is no wrong or right way to do it. •Focus on the air coming in and going out of your nostrils. •Simply observe and listen to your breath without making any changes. •Your breathing becomes calm, light, and peaceful. •Every time your thoughts start drifting away, bring them back gently but firmly to your breathing. •Follow your natural rhythm. •Place your hands on your heart or abdomen, or any place that feels comfortable for you. •Connect with the source of love in your heart. Or visualize your heart as a warm sun in the core of your body.

•Imagine this love or sun expanding inside of you. Feel its warm energy. •You are very relaxed and calm. •Take your time to feel or imagine being filled with love in all your being. •Imagine this love or warm sun melting away your concerns, disturbing thoughts and emotions, and the parts of yourself that are now obsolete.

Step 2 - Expanding love to a person, relationship, or situation

•Clearly visualize the person, relationship, and/or situation you want to transform. •Imagine yourself expanding that love or the sun energy to this person, relationship, or situation. •Imagine them bathing and transforming in this energy. Trust that it’s happening. •Stay in this space for about ten minutes, refocusing your mind, letting go of your thoughts, breathing gently. Let go of your expectations. •Is there an insight or intuition that comes to your mind? If so, make a mental note of it for later. •When you feel you have completed the transformation, bring back your attention and intention to yourself, filling your Being with love. •Repeat gently and firmly, “I am filled with love. I am love.” •Breathe in and breathe out from that love, normally and gently. You are in a pleasant state of relaxation. •When you feel ready to come back, move your hands and feet gently while maintaining with this love inside of you. •Open your eyes and stretch your body slowly.

•Take the time to write down any significant insights or intuitions related to your experience. •Go on with your day, ing you can always come back to this space of love with the power of your own breath every time you need it.

Trust that a layer of your healing is completed. If you need to clarify a significant aspect of your insight, please do so alone or with the appropriate person at the right time and place. Each time you feel unpleasant emotions, stop what you are doing. Pay attention to your inner and outer selves. Be aware of what is going on in the very present moment without judgment and thoughts such as, What is it about? What if? Why is it? How come? Be still. Be silent. Explore what has triggered that emotion. Observe the feeling going through you. Is there an issue that reminds you of something in your past? Remaining stuck in it blocks your own transformation and ruins those precious moments that are unfolding in the present. You are missing opportunities that can replenish your spirit. You are depriving yourself of those unique gifts that are begging to be received and enjoyed.

Let go of the mind’s chattering and the disturbing voices in your head. The mind will try to distract you by sending thoughts such as, “I don’t understand. I’m going crazy. I can’t deal with this. I’m too busy. This is too hard…” It wants you to stay unaware, to run away from your inner light and to lose yourself amid thousands of things to do. The mind does its best to drive you in a downward spiral, draining your meagre energy. The good news is that you don’t have to follow it or be enslaved by it. You have the inner power to overcome it. You are more powerful than your mind. You have absolute control of your reactions, attitudes, and thoughts; be ready to re-examine them.

The mind creates thoughts that trigger emotions, and these emotions create more thoughts, and so on. This is an endless circle with no end and no beginning. Let the emotions slide through you without holding and grasping them. Acknowledge them and accept them as is. For example, instead of saying, “I’m angry,” transform it to: “Anger is flowing through me and out of my body. And

now I am filling that space with love. I am relaxing my shoulders, muscles, and body.” Repeat it as often as you need. Do it over and over again until the process feels completed. You have a choice here: practise or run away. If you run away, life will catch up, thrusting you unexpectedly into greater emotional chaos. Fighting or repressing anger will only postpone the process. The build-up of energy creates cumulative physical and emotional stress. Over time, it will burst out of proportion in a painful way for you and others. Living in the flow is so much easier and more pleasant than fighting against circumstances or trying to control your environment, health, relationships, or professional role. It’s the best way to avoid disappointments, feel awkward, or be frustrated. You may manage parts of your life for a while, then sudden changes throw more challenges. Life happens.

“Don’t cry over the past, it’s gone. Don’t stress about the future, it hasn’t arrived. Do your best to live in the NOW and make it beautiful.” Angel Chernoff³

Sunset Ritual The day is almost over. You want to empty your mind and let go of concerns o

•Form the intention that the night will bring answers and insights to your dilemma. Trust that

Personal Reflections

Write down any significant insights, intuitions, and intentions that come to you.

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Healing Method: An Inner Dialogue

“After recognizing the feeling, becoming one with it, calming it down, and releasing it, we can look deeply into its causes, which are often based on inaccurate perceptions. As soon as we understand the causes and nature of our feelings, they begin to transform themselves.” Thich Nhat Hanh³⁷

Did you notice that when you don’t deal with a past issue and you repress it in your subconscious, life just throws it back to you threefold in a similar situation? Your mind works overtime to keep it active in constant thoughts and tiresome scenarios until you say, “Enough! I get it.” Why would you want to relive your past on and on? Why would you want to cling to something that doesn’t exist anymore?

•To justify your suffering? •To define yourself by the event? •To prove that the other is wrong or did you wrong? •Are you blaming, punishing, or judging yourself for the persecutor’s actions?

Observe yourself in the present moment. Are you feeling uncomfortable with a situation? Is there something odd going on in your inner core? Are you

wondering what it is? An emotion is arising: let it surface…welcome it. When you are ready to identify its source, begin an inner dialogue with this part of you that needs your attention and wants to be released. The goal is to understand its teaching, to be aware of its role in your life, to remain with it with kindness and love, and to release it. Take time to connect with your Inner Self in a quiet space. Have paper and pen or electronic device at your side to record your insights.

Step 1: Focus Your Mind.

•Sit down in a comfortable position: feet on the ground, spine straight yet natural, shoulders relaxed. Close your eyes. •Breathe in. Breathe out. Take slow and relaxing breaths. Follow your natural rhythm. •Focus on the air coming in and out of your nostrils. •On the exhale, let go of tensions, worries, concerns, doubts… •Your breathing becomes calm, light, and peaceful. •Every time your thoughts start to drift away, bring them back gently but firmly to your breath.

Step 2: Begin your dialogue with the issue, memory, emotion, or person by asking some of the following questions one at the time. Let images and answers emerge with total acceptance. Don’t censure or suppress what comes to you. If necessary, record the answers and insights.

•How am I feeling right now in my heart and body? •What has triggered this feeling: a word, a thought, or an action? •Is it a new or a familiar feeling? Name it. •Did I experience a similar situation before? •Is there another side to it or explanation for it?

Step 3: Once you have named it and have an idea of what is going on, continue your dialogue and listen to your inner voice:

•What are you trying to tell me? •What do you represent? •What do you want? •How do you affect my life? •Where do you come from? •What are your biggest fears and worries?

Take the time to write down your answers. When nothing else comes to you and you know that the inner dialogue is completed, express gratitude for what you have received.

Step 4: Now, it’s time to release, heal, and transform this issue, memory, emotion, or relationship. Take the time to fill yourself with love.

•Breathe in. Breathe out normally and gently. •Connect with the source of love in your heart. Or visualize a warm sun in the core of your body. •Imagine this love or sun expanding inside of you. Feel its warm energy. •Fill each cell of your body with love. •You are calm and very relaxed.

•Take your time to feel or imagine being filled with love in all your being. •Imagine this love or sun energy melting away your issue, memory, emotion, relationship, and the parts of yourself that are now obsolete. •Place intentions for that space to become clear and free. •Is there an insight or intuition that comes to your mind? If so, make a mental note for later. •Breathe in. Breathe out. •When you feel the healing is completed, fill yourself with love that nourishes every cell of your body…your whole Being. •You are beaming with love and peace. Take the time to express gratitude to the source of love and to yourself for this healing. •When you are ready, come back gently while keeping with the love inside of you. •Breathe in, breathe out. •Be aware of the room around you. Open your eyes. Move your hands and your feet. Stretch your body gradually. •Take the time to write down any significant insights or intuitions related to your dialogue.

Don’t worry if the answers didn’t come to you at this time. They will emerge sooner or later. Trust your inspiration and intuition. In the meantime, you can take the next step, which is to accept the process and accept yourself exactly the way you are with kindness, love, and non-judgment. You are doing the best you can and you have already done your best. Accepting yourself is good medicine: you are learning to become fully who you are as a whole. This is the beginning of expressing yourself as the person you were born to be. So just relax and let go of expectations that can only lead to dissatisfaction. Patience is key. Ease into the practice one step at a time. The more you do, the easier it gets and the more

quickly it becomes second nature. Repeat this exercise later alone, accompanied by a good friend who can truly listen to your insights without judgment, or qualified professional who is objective and can provide understanding and discernment. Choose a safe and comfortable space to express your emotions when needed. Feel them, let them emerge, let them go through your system like a strong wind blowing through a dusty plain. It takes only a few minutes to through your body, mind, and spirit. A good cry without self-pity or feeling sorry for yourself melts blockages and cleanses trapped emotions.

If you are triggered by the same issue or emotion again, it’s because it needs more attention. This is the time to acknowledge it and to take care of it. There are often many layers to heal within the same theme. Observe and reflect on it, Is it a comment that reflects an insecurity? Did I take offence at a word? Is it an incident that brought me back to a painful memory? Once you are aware and recognize what upset you, you gain control over the old reaction and break the emotional and mental cycle. Be with that part, reassure it, and send it love and comion. Your inner dialogue could be:

•Breathe in, breathe out. •I see you, I understand you, I love you. •I’m with you. We are in a safe place. •We are getting stronger and more whole together.

Resisting the experience, denying it, fighting it, or fleeing from it will only stop the flow of opportunities to reach your inner joy. Why would one stay any longer in darkness and misery? Don’t wait too long to let go—emotions need to be expressed and seep out of your being so you can return to your natural balance and be present with a clear mind and spirit in your daily life. This is true, healthy self-care. And it goes a long way. It’s time to improve and enjoy your relationship with yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Nobody is perfect. that humanness includes imperfections from which you learn to be

comionate and kind toward yourself and others.

“When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.” Harriet Beecher Stowe³⁸

How Do You Feel Right Now?

Tell Me More

There are many tools available to help us regain balance and wellness. They must be carefully chosen to meet our needs and unique personality. An approach can be excellent for one individual and may not suit the needs of another. To find the right tool, ask for recommendations and follow your intuition. You can be guided by synchronicity, such as a book that falls onto your lap, a friend’s words that resonate deeply, or a talk show discussing the subject you have in mind. What is important is to find something you like and to practise it faithfully for at least a few months. Observe the results: if there is no release or changes, choose another method or practitioner. Let’s see what you could begin with on your own.

Stillness

A simple method is to just sit quietly. Be aware of your body and your thoughts. It is very simple and the hardest thing to do for an overactive mind. Being quiet and still is the first step in meditation. No need to sit in a specific position. You can use music or stay in silence; light a candle if you wish. Just let the mind rest and thoughts drift away. Observe the space between thoughts: That is your Soul Space in which your inner voice may whisper its wisdom and bring creative solutions. Being still means being completely in this moment, in this second, without moving, going anywhere, or answering calls. Being still is about connecting with the core of your Being where silence, peace, Pure Love, Pure Consciousness reside. The stillness may feel weird in the beginning, but give it a chance. With practice, it will get easier. (Review Practise, Practise, Practise, chapter 8)

“Let us be silent, that we may hear the whispers of the gods.” Ralph Waldo Emerson³

Journaling

Some people prefer to write down their thoughts, events, and insights in a special journal. Just a few phrases about your day or a synopsis of your week are enough. This method helps you to slow down, listen to the inner voice of your heart, and reconnect to who you are at a deeper level. Recording your journey will bring answers and guidance to your challenges and a better understanding of your experiences within the present context of your life. It will help you details that could and comfort you in months to come.

Automatic Writing

Automatic or inspired writing is one of my favourite tools. It can be used after you have experienced an intense situation or when you are searching for the cause of an emotion or a reaction. Plan a time and choose a quiet space in which you will not be disturbed for as long as you need.

•Write down everything that comes to your mind. Don’t censure or judge your words even if you think they are insignificant, ridiculous, or offensive. Don’t worry about your paper—nobody is going to read it. It’s for your eyes only. Go all the way until there is nothing more that comes to your mind. •Then breathe and wait for a moment in stillness. Pay attention to what’s happening in your inner space. When you think it’s all over, that’s when it really begins. The next thought, image, or phrase could be the answer you are looking for. •Once the exercise is completed, set your paper aside for a day or so. Read it later with an undivided attention. You may discover a pearl of wisdom.

Affirmations

An affirmation is a clear, short, and positive sentence. This useful tool focuses your thoughts in a ive way. Knowing that the mind sends thousands of thoughts a day, you need to be aware of them and learn to let them go. Write down your affirmation so it will take on a more concrete form. Post it on your fridge, mirror, or desk to be reminded frequently to pay attention to your thoughts. Repeat the affirmation during stressful situations, in the morning and at night, during your day break. Here are some examples:

•I am healthy in body, mind, and spirit. •My relationships are filled with love and comion. •Everything comes to me at the perfect time and in the perfect place. •I am living in joy and abundance. •I am grateful for who I am and all that I have.

Dream Interpretation

Dreams are the voice of the subconscious that is sending messages in the form of symbols, riddles, and metaphors. Recording them may bring clarity and understanding on what is going on in your life. They reveal your character and strength, your fears and weaknesses. You may find a connection between your subconscious desires and the changes to make for your dreams to come true. You might find the motivation to take action to reach your goal.

•At bedtime, intend to receive a clear answer to your dilemma. As soon as you wake up, keep your eyes closed and review every detail of your dream. Do so before you move even a little finger, otherwise you won’t them. Then, record the dream in your journal and give it a title. Write down the main emotion you were feeling. •Later, write down any meaningful events of your days before and after the dream. They will give you more indications of what your subconscious self is trying to tell you. It might be about an attitude to be changed, awareness of an unfulfilled desire, a close one need to talk to, work issues… •In a quiet space, read over every detail of your dream and ask yourself what it means to you. Then look at the correlation with the present context of your life. In time, it will get easier to find the association between the symbols and the hidden messages by yourself. In the meantime, you may need skillful help for their interpretation. You may participate in a dream workshop that stresses this precept: only the dreamers themselves can find their true meaning.

Self-Help Resources

You may prefer to create a space for personal growth by reading self-help books and consulting trusted websites. You can participate in spiritual and transformative conferences or workshops. Put the intention out there that what you need is coming to you now. Ask out loud for guidance and then be aware of and be open to opportunities that present themselves in unexpected ways. Listen to people who have travelled that road and know reliable resources. Follow your inner voice and intuition. Take a leap into the unknown. Freedom and a richer life are waiting for you.

Ho’oponopono Mantra

The Ho’oponopono Mantra is a simple and powerful method and very easy to use for self and others. This ancient Hawaiian practice of forgiveness and reconciliation clears negativity and removes blockages, releases the stronghold of pain and suffering, and increases peace, joy, and harmony. All you need is to quiet your mind for a moment and repeat this mantra with a conscious intention: “I Love You, I’m Sorry, Please Forgive Me, Thank You.” You will find how to proceed in the endnotes reference.⁴

I Am Love

Love yourself…or pretend to love yourself. In time, it will become real—as real as possible at this point in your life. Mentally repeat—in front of a mirror is even better—with genuine feeling, I am love. This practice helps to connect with your true essence and creates a healthier mind. By loving yourself, you can transmit more love to others. Love yourself “as is” right now by accepting all aspects of yourself. Only then can you be more open to love others “as they are” right now. If love seems to be too far-fetched, start with expressing kindness for who you are, then surround yourself with comion. Step by step, you will eventually Be love for the most important person in your life: YOU.

Reminiscence

Reminiscence is a life review of memories, experiences, events, and accomplishments. It helps people discover the meaning of their lives and be recognized within a significant life story. Reminiscence identifies one’s strengths, abilities, and coping mechanisms. Engaging reminiscence with a close one gives everyone an opportunity to bring awareness of—and perhaps a new perspective on—past situations, review positive and negative memories, and clarify unresolved matters. Life review can be carried out through journaling, scrapbooking, drawing, tape or video recording, or writing the legacy you wish to on. It can be a very pleasurable and fulfilling experience that strengthens relationships. Honouring people’s experience is a way of expressing your gratitude toward their life. You can read more about reminiscence in the research paper Reminiscence Therapy: An Overview by K.S. Latha, et al.⁴¹

Complementary Therapies

Complementary Therapies aim to and improve people’s health, increase their sense of well-being, and improve their quality of life. They can help people reduce and eliminate their symptoms or side effects caused by medications and treatments. They are used for relaxation, coping with stress and fatigue, or getting through a particularly challenging situation. Complementary therapies include aboriginal traditional healing, acupuncture, art therapy, guided imagery, healing touch, massage therapy, music therapy, reiki, tai chi, therapeutic touch, yoga. To choose a complementary therapy and practitioner, consider the benefits you hope to gain from them. Ask yourself if you are comfortable with the therapy, the practitioner, and the way it is provided. Make an informed decision and ask for references.

Your soul brings you what you need exactly at the right moment. But are you ready to receive its gifts that will ease your life? Are you willing to change your conditions? Will you have the courage and determination to meet your Inner Self? You are the master of your life. Today, take a first step in the right direction. Take a leap now to find freedom faster.

Chapter 13

Self-Care and Self-Love

“You must nourish the body with healthy food, the heart with joy, comion and love, the mind with knowledge and the spirit with equanimity and self-awareness.”

Mallika Chopra⁴²

Accompanying people at the end of life is very demanding on all levels. Some carers feel uncomfortable, inadequate, helpless, and frustrated in their role. Most don’t know how to give the basic required care or may not want to be involved in it at all. They didn’t choose to be in a situation that demands their services day and night all year round. It fell on their shoulders no matter where else they were in the course of their life. Adding to this stress, some carers are often caught between their young offspring, the vulnerable, and the sick. On a positive note, most carers find that being in that role strengthens their commitment and relationship with their close one and provides a new meaning in their life.⁴³ Yet, they feel pressured to balance and sustain their personal and professional responsibilities. Many carers have to put their personal and social life on standby as they struggle with unending tasks such as managing the household, running errands, attending to medical appointments, and so on…

They face a growing mountain of things to do that crushes any time left for rest, sleep, exercise, or preparing healthy meals. As a consequence, their energy is depleting gradually along with the increasing sickness of their close one. Taking a short respite is too often out of the question. How can they answer the call as well as they would like in these conditions that can stretch for months and years?

Carers are pulled in all directions: kids must be fed, responsibilities have to be taken care of, decisions are to be made. They want to slow down while the rest of the word is still going an extremely fast pace. Well-meaning care partners keep saying, “You have to make time for yourself.” Easier said than done…as easy as decelerating an out-of-control express train going downhill. They want to get out at the next station and change the course toward a leisurely track for a while; but too soon the engineer whistles them back on-board. They have to keep moving. Do they really have choices?

It’s crucial to start caring for yourself right now. You must be diligent even at the beginning of the person’s sickness so you can learn to discipline yourself to be at your own service too. Don’t wait for burnout to sneak in. Carers are much more effective when they are healthier and happier. You need to be aware of your own

needs and respect your capacities and limits at the physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual levels. Self-care is key for recharging your battery. Starting the day as drained as you were the previous evening is not an option. You don’t have to destroy your health in serving others. You don’t have to put other people’s needs before your own. It doesn’t have to be that way. Self-care must be included in your agenda for a minimum of at least a few hours a week. A regular and healthy routine is a must. It is mandatory. Listen to your body, which is a master in sending signals of trouble ahead, such as: feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, confused, or depressed; headaches, muscle tension in your neck and back, stomach acidity, loss of appetite, lack of sleep, weak immune system. Ongoing stress will be reflected in attitude and mood swings, memory blanks, difficulty in concentrating and making decisions. that if you get sick, you are no use to anyone; and worse, you will also become dependent and in need of a carer yourself. It’s not a pretty picture.

Where can you begin your self-care? First, be thankful for your body that allows you to continue meeting your daily responsibilities. Pamper it with proper nourishment. Add fruits and vegetables to your daily snacks and eat well even if you have no appetite. Your body needs to be regenerated and re-energized daily: it’s not a luxury. Listen to and observe its cues about what you need to do next. It is essential to prevent imbalance and illness. An unhealthy lifestyle can be hazardous for your health and could cause chronic conditions in the long term. It might take as much time to recuperate and recover your health as it took to get to this state of exhaustion. Actually, scientific studies show that a great number of illnesses and diseases are caused by stress.⁴⁴

Sickness and end-of-life have a way of teaching you how to revise your priorities and let go of what is less important or isn’t so urgent anymore. “Does this really matter?” is a question to ask yourself multiple times every day. It’s time to scale down and eliminate non-essential activities, especially the ones that feel like an obligation or a burden. Choose your battles. Choose to deal with some of them and let the rest go. You have to free yourself as much as you can from non-urgent duties so you can find a breathing space and continue with the best part of yourself in your multiple roles. You need to minimize your service to others and maximize your service to yourself. You need to renew and gather

your energy and be respected in your choices. Sooner or later, the person in your care will require more , as her/his condition will deteriorate slowly or rapidly. You will need assistance with daily tasks such as transferring, lifting, bathing, preparing meals and dealing with household chores, managing finances, and providing emotional and psycho-cognitive , to name a few.

“Taking time for yourself each day will restore your strength and your courage so you can keep going and succeed in facing any challenges coming your way.” Judith M. Campbell

Give yourself the permission to receive and be ready for it. Adjust your sail and tiller to stay on course and to find a safe harbour in which you will receive friendly encouragement and reassurance. Be grateful for what is and was. Don’t build expectations. At the end of life, one key lesson is to be in the flow with what is, cope with dignity, and respect yourself and the person who is going through such a trying time. Do what you need to do. There is no right or wrong way. Do not feel guilty, ashamed, or worthless in requesting help; this is not allowed and should be outlawed in my book. : you are perfect just the way you are now with what you know at this moment. There is no reason to judge or blame yourself for conditions, situations, or circumstances. Who cares if the room is untidy or the laundry is piling up. There will be a time to do it— don’t worry—these tasks will wait for better days. They won’t go anywhere… focus on things you can control and do well bit by bit. Even better, you could get someone to help you with them. It will reduce your stress and anxiety. Keep only the tasks that are essential and meaningful to you on this day. Make the necessary changes to be able to continue your journey in a healthier way.

It takes a village to raise a child, and it takes a community to care for and accompany the dying and their carers. This journey can be one of the most difficult experiences you will ever have in your life. In health-care settings, it takes two or three staff per shift—six to nine people per day—to provide the same care you are trying to provide at home alone on a full-time basis. Meeting

the needs of the dying becomes extremely challenging even with the best . The situation could turn worse with ripple effects that may submerge you in a myriad of situations and unpredictable changes. Actually, you have minimal control over what is coming to you. Let’s be honest: you don’t know how long this situation will last. Some people live with a life-threatening illness for five to ten years. Obviously, at one point in time, help is a must; you cannot do it any other way. Over the years, I have seen numerous family arriving in hospice palliative care drained and exhausted, looking frailer than the dying themselves, not only physically but also emotionally. Their own health was greatly compromised, often holding on only by a thread. They could barely survive the endless demands, sleep deprivation, and strenuous labour. They were barely able to make decisions.

The carer must learn to be at the receiving end. It can be hard to accept help, especially for independent people who are used to doing everything on their own. We cannot always do it alone, and we don’t have to. We are care partners with family and friends who are waiting for us to request and accept their services. Doing so will give them a chance to be recognized and validated in their abilities to serve. Giving and receiving is a dynamic exchange, a flow of energy that goes both ways. They open their hearts; we must open ours even more. We touch our vulnerability and our authentic selves, which takes a great amount of courage and inner strength to reveal. And what a beauty it is. It’s so worth it. At last, we become our true selves free of protective barriers. By accepting their help and , we honour, nourish, and all aspects of ourselves, especially our own spirit.

“Tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair, but manifestations of strength and resolution.” Kahlil Gibran⁴⁵

Requesting assistance gives you the ability to continue your responsibilities and hopefully avoid comionate fatigue and burnout. Your tasks can also be

lightened by community resources, home hospice care, and other services. Choose to live as light as you possibly can and make the most of what is available. What kind of help do you need? How do you request it? If you don’t have time to search for the information, or if it’s too overwhelming, ask someone to look into the existing resources such as counselling, nutritional advice, financial assistance, spiritual services, or groups in person or online. Identify your care partners who will help you in making clearer choices, who will guide and inform you so you can readjust your course. Choose from possibilities and alternatives that are being offered and that reflect your needs. Your close ones will go out of their way and will be happy to answer your requests. But they need to know exactly what your needs are. Help them to help you!

Even if your family and friends know you, they may not understand what you are going through or they may have no clue of what your daily experience may be like, as they have never been in your shoes. Make a list and be precise. For example, bring a home-made meal, help with a specific chore, errand, or grocery shopping, take the children to school or appointments, get medications from the pharmacy, walk the dog, have a sitter who will take over while you do something special for yourself. Even going out for a few hours a week will make a huge difference. Build a schedule and the right person will show up. Everyone has special talents, abilities, and knowledge that can be applied at this time, such as good cook, seamstress, chauffeur, or computer whiz. It will be a privilege and a gift to serve you. that giving is an opportunity to be part of the giving-receiving circle; a chance to return what they have received in the past. This is what we call Being at service for each other. Don’t wait to be rescued or for a miracle to appear when you are experiencing the most demanding period of your life.

Even after giving so much of themselves and doing everything humanly possible, some carers are still caught in an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy and failure for not completing their role at home to the end. They feel guilty for not doing enough or not being good enough. But why? Would it be wiser to accept the current reality and circumstances as they are; to be humble and trust life? It’s time to say, “I have exhausted all my personal and community

resources. I now surrender and I let go.” Take the time to remind yourself daily that you are doing a good job no matter what. And YOU ARE DOING MORE THAN ENOUGH. Just being present is already enough. Be proud of your invaluable work as a carer. You don’t know how long you will be on the threshold, so make the best of it and make every moment count. Take the lead, take opportunities for whatever is essential for you. You are living for yourself too. You are also being served. You are the focus, the centre of your own selfcare within a team of care partners.

Prevention is essential to continue your services. Don’t let yourself deteriorate because the other is dying. You don’t have to die with her/him. Your life is just as precious as anyone else’s.

Help is there when needed. That’s what a community is all about. That’s what friendship is all about. Be open to your network, build and nurture strong relationships, connect with your care partners with genuine appreciation. That is essential to your self-care plan. The threshold can be overwhelming at times. Decisions to make, ongoing changes to negotiate, and treatments to go through can be exhausting. Listen to people who have been on that road and integrate their priceless experiences without resistance. It takes courage and humility to request help. Many people are great at helping others, and many are reluctant to reach out when it comes to their own turn. Be open to accept their offers. It’s a learning process. It can be a lonely path; even more so when your social network is limited. In this case, you may want to search online networks from which you could discover resources you haven’t considered yet. A consultation with healthcare providers will alleviate stress and give you a sense of control as they assess and establish guidelines and a plan of care specifically tailored to your unfolding situation.

You may have to delegate some of the tasks and responsibilities to someone who

will be second in command in case you become ill or unavailable to provide . Leave instructions and a summary of the person’s likes and dislikes so they will be considered when your strengths are diminishing or your mind goes blank. Whatever is your choice of system, self-care is a priority. You may feel more comfortable receiving community services such as visiting volunteers to replace you for a few hours to avoid burdening your close ones or to keep them for emotional . Care partners are there to help you stay healthy, well-balanced, and strong. Together, you can share your own unique gifts and talents as a united force, especially when you don’t know the future. Create new habits that will bring comfort, health, and pleasure. Take time to delight in them without guilt. Before long, it will be integrated in your routine and you will be pleased and proud to carry on with renewed energy. Accepting and requesting assistance increases your ability to give the best of yourself within your current capacities and strengths. You need to stay focused on staying healthy by replenishing your energy on an ongoing basis. You need to be alert in maintaining and improving your well-being.

There are times when the burden of sickness, heartaches, and sleepless nights seem to never end; it’s just too much to take. But we still want to hold onto the dying, hoping that they will stay with us indefinitely. At the same time, we also want out of this exhausting ordeal and jump into a future space of joy and freedom. And then we feel guilty for entertaining such a fantasy. Guess what? Such desires are healthy and normal. It’s a way to find hope and imagine the light at the end of the tunnel. Back in the present, we are well aware that in a few months, days, or hours, an empty space will sneak in, stretching its sorrow and grief that will hug family and friends for a while. We are wandering between excruciating emotions only understood by the ones who have been in this position.

When death knocks on the door, the call may not always be as gloomy as we first imagined. To find out, we have to step into the unknown. We can choose the doors we want to go through with trust and hope. The threshold invites us to lighten up, to restore ourselves and return to the essence of life. This means repairing, mending, forgiving, and bringing clarity at all levels. This means shaking up old dust and useless stuff, including relationships that have become

distant or absent. The threshold magnifies issues long forgotten or hidden, sometimes in the hope they might magically fade away. It forces us to face our shadows and neglected parts of ourselves, to revisit the authenticity of these relationships if we have the courage to do it. It’s time to remove old spiderwebs that have suffocated us for too long. It’s time to undo their entanglements. We choose awareness about what was and what is.

Once the threshold has completed its mission, we can walk forward, head held high, still grieving, but surely proud of our accomplishments. It’s our turn to shine our light onto the world that is waiting to hear our story. It’s our turn to live fully and gracefully. And when the time comes to hear that knock on our own door, we will be ready to step in the challenge with more experience and serenity…

Help Yourself First and Then Others

Being a carer can be extremely demanding and very rewarding. Many people find a profound sense of satisfaction in their experience. To rise to the occasion, you need to commit to your self-care even more. It’s not the time to play the Superperson that says yes to everyone’s requests. : you are a human being. You have to draw the line between endless expectations and what you can assume efficiently. Learn to slow down before persistent demands; learn to stop when “enough is enough.” I hear your comments: “Yes, but they need me. How can I think of myself while my spouse is so sick and bedridden? I want to live my life without guilt and regrets.” But at what cost? Did you ever think that your future regret may very well be not caring for yourself and not learning to set your boundaries?

The following questions will help you check in and reflect on where your guilt and sense of responsibility come from. Once you are aware of the cause, it gets easier to free yourself from them and make changes in your self-care. Do you want to please everyone because:

•You need recognition and love from your close ones? •You want to prove yourself to your family or social circle? •You want to overcome regret or be forgiven for past actions? •You have assimilated a social or cultural false belief on selfishness?

When you become aware of the source of your behaviour: Stop. Breathe. Recenter. Observe how your mind is tricking you with false perceptions that trigger emotions. Unexpected reactions can be due to an underlying sense of

obligations or self-judgments. Instead of living in such a state of mind, begin your day with one of these questions:

•What would bring me joy and nourish my spirit today? •What can I do that is meaningful for me now? •How can I regenerate my energy today?

Then gather your thoughts and place firm intentions such as:

•Today, I’m choosing my well-being. •Today, I’m respecting my limits. •Today, I’m enjoying a happy hour just for myself.

At the end of the day, check to see if you have fulfilled your commitment to yourself. If the answer is yes, you are on the right track. If it’s no, what was your reason or excuse? How would you do better tomorrow? What changes can you make to be a good friend to yourself? And act on it. It doesn’t have to be grand or complicated. To have a better idea on how to do self-care, fill the following Self-Care Commitment.

I know that you know you should slow down. A timeout each day will save you time. Try napping in the middle of the day for at least thirty minutes, even more, if you can, with a calm mind and gentle heart for yourself. You will wake up with a boost of energy. You could follow her/his resting period. Find a quiet space while he/she is sleeping; it can be in a quiet room or outside on the veranda where you can sit or lie down in a long chair, enjoying the sun and

nature for a while. Contemplate an inspiring image or a picture of a natural landscape. Try a simple meditation that reflects your personality. Take twenty minutes to still your mind on a regular basis. That is a good beginning and it goes a long way: 20 minutes x 7 days = 9 hours per month, which is the equivalent of a respite day. The more you do it, the easier it becomes. It’s a practice, one breath at a time, one moment to another, day by day. It’s easy to get lost again for thousands of reasons amid tasks, responsibilities, confusion, or overwhelming emotions. This practice prevents you from jumping to hasty decisions, reacting with harsh emotions, or unconsciously hurting a close one. By slowing down, worries diminish, the “To-Do List” is eclipsed for a few minutes, and the mind becomes quieter. Practising stillness and peace of mind— a.k.a. meditation—is a commitment that helps you navigate through struggles with trust, dignity, and grace. It helps you connect with your inner unlimited source of energy. The benefits could be visible almost immediately. You will be more centered and focused, you will increase your connection to your intuition, you will be a better listener, and you will increase your physical energy. You will be able to regain and maintain your balance.

“Some days, if the only thing you can do is to take a deep breath, it is enough!” Nicole Bordeleau⁴

It is also in quiet time that you will rediscover and value your real Self, which includes strength, courage, and inner resources. By connecting with your Inner Being, you will be living from your soul perspective. You will be able to receive inspiration and intuition that will enhance your present experience. The deeper you go, the faster you will find answers. In that space, solutions will come to you with a better understanding of the issue at hand. You will be able to differentiate between what is important and what is essential so you can set your priorities clearly. It is fundamental to spend time alone in a quiet space to connect and expand your consciousness. This sacred time should be devoted to yourself only. In doing so, you are choosing to be true to yourself and respond from the core of your Being. Breathe gently, reflect on where you stand, celebrate small

accomplishments, be proud of who you are and what you are becoming. You will be more present, in better health, and ready for the challenges that come along. : you can only give what you have. You will be more efficient by serving from a peaceful mind. The key is to stay in your inner space. This is part of “help yourself to be able to help others.” Self-care is a learning process to be taken seriously. Self-care is crucial. No excuses, no matter what. Nobody can do it for you.

“Or you can go to the well, the great source of sustenance, and carry buckets of clear water to those who need it, finding there’s plenty to drink for yourself. Those who give from themselves burn out. Those who give from the source are nourished in the giving. Approaching the well, they enter intuition, sensing the subtleties of another, responding from the heart, not the mind.” Stephen Levine⁴⁷

Self-Care Assessment

This tool will bring awareness in the amount of time you give to yourself on a weekly basis. Identify the total hours you are spending on self-care and compare it to the total hours you are providing to the receivers and your responsibilities. You need to dedicate quality time to yourself in order to regenerate your body/mind/spirit on a regular basis. Do you need to adjust your “Me” Time? If so, what changes can you make? Take a few minutes to reflect on these questions:

•How much time do you spend on self-care during the day? ______________________________________________________ oMultiply this number by 7 days: ________________________ oWhat is the total of your self-care hours per week? A

•How much time are you giving to your close ones during the day? __________________ oMultiply this number by 7 days: ________________________

•How much time are you spending on other personal and professional responsibilities during the day? _______________________________________________________ oMultiply this number by 7 days: ________________________

•Add the total time you are giving to your close ones and the total time you are spending on your responsibilities during the week. B

•Compare these two totals of hours: A-hours of self-care and B-hours given and spent per week. Bear in mind that there are 24 hours in a day and 168 hours in a week. Do you need to make changes in your present situation? Yes ___________ No ____________ If so, what will you change? ________________________________ ____________________________________________________________

What is your first step in bringing this change? _____________ ____________________________________________________________

•Is your total of self-care hours enough to regenerate your body/mind/spirit? _________________________________________ oIf not, is there a way to increase your self-care time? __________________________________________________ •Do you get enough sleep during night time? ________________ •Do you exercise regularly? 10-15 minutes a day? ___________________________________________________________ •Do you take time to sit down while eating a nutritious and balanced meal? ____________________________________________ •Do you have access to family , friends, or professionals who can replace you during self-care time? Yes ____________ No ____________

•If yes, schedule a regular timeout for yourself: ________________________________________________________ •If no, how can you access additional resources? Fill the “Carer Network” and “My Carer Network List” in Community Resources—Reach Out to guide you in this process. _______________________________________________

Personal Reflections

Write down any significant insights, intuitions, and intentions that come to you.

_________________________

_________________________

Self-Care Commitment

Fill in this checklist to identify your favourite activities, leisure, and quiet time. Reserve periods of self-care in your schedule at least once or twice a week. Make an easy and realistic commitment to yourself and be faithful to it. If an urgent matter takes over your “Me” Time, reschedule it as soon as possible. Highlight your “Me” Time with bright colours on your calendar. Set a reminder, if necessary, until they are integrated in your routine.

•I am committed to my favourite leisure: “_____________,” _______ times a week. •I enjoy quiet time very early in the morning while everyone else is sleeping. •I take time out to relax with a warm tea or coffee. •I rest whenever possible such as in an afternoon nap with all electronic devices and screens turned off. •I take a long, warm bath while quieting my mind with meditation. •I focus my mind by repeating words like: love, gratitude, comion, peace. •I spend time in nature, feeling the breeze and the sun on my face and hands. •I go for a pleasure walk, enjoy the seasonal colours, textures, scents. I sit by a tree and feel the solid ground beneath my feet. •I exercise regularly: stretching, walking, swimming, dancing, yoga, tai chi… •I resume a favourite hobby or discover a new one. •I learn new recipes. I prepare balanced meals that nourish my body and mind.

•I read a book, listen to music, watch a show or a movie. •I take a pleasant day trip. I visit a museum or an exhibition. •I go shopping and discover new boutiques. •I play outside, stand in the rain, throw snowballs. •I schedule a regular massage, relaxation, manicure, spa, Reiki. •I meet with a family member or a friend who is a good listener and knows how to lift my spirit at least once a week or once a month. •I keep a journal to reflect on my moments of joy, events, and challenges. •I find a group, in person or online, in which I can learn new ways to cope and to receive guidance and resources. •I meet with other carers to share our experiences and with understanding and appreciation. •I do nothing. I sit still without distractions. I breathe consciously and let my mind wander. •Others _________________________________________________ •And more ______________________________________________

Personal Reflections

Write down any significant insights, intuitions, and intentions that come to you.

_______________________________

_______________________________

_______________________________

Today, I Take a “Me” Time

The most important commitment you can do for yourself is self-care. Only then can you be of better service for others. Self-Care is Self-Love and You deserve every minute of it.

Myriam LaVoie

Being on the Receiving End

Being a receiver of care might be difficult when you have been independent and always in control of your life. Understandably, this precarious and vulnerable position may provoke anxiety, anger, resentment, or depression. You may even be in denial of your limitations, which increases frustrations, raised voice, and sudden movement which add the risk of injuries to yourself and your carers. You have to adapt to major changes in your family relationships and in your roles at home as well in your community. Responsibilities, losses, and physical needs can be overwhelming for everyone. People do their best and will go out of their way to make your life as pleasant and liveable as possible.

Too many people take for granted and may even have a sense of entitlement to what is being done for them. This attitude can create additional emotions for carers who already feel burdened with grief. Right now, their plate is full and will be fuller. You don’t need to add aggravation. You don’t need to add more to their hardship. This attitude builds ongoing obstacles and strains in your relationships. It might even turn some care partners away. Imagine a narrow river in which you throw stones, dead trees, and debris. The flow is slowed down until the obstructions—your words, thoughts, and actions—create a growing dam of struggles and frustrations. How do you break that dam? Well, start by listening to yourself. As soon as you become aware of being critical and judgmental, stop immediately and hold your thoughts and words for a second or two. Change them into something more pleasant or hold your tongue. Apologize. Make it a habit to express your appreciation with a smile, a word of encouragement, or the genuine acceptance of a helping hand. This is the least you can do to maintain harmonious interactions. In healthy relationships, everyone wins.

Expressing gratitude brings benefits to everyone involved. Try to cultivate it every day, such as by giving thanks for food, care, friendship, and love. By doing so, it allows you to be aware of and recognize the gifts you are receiving

on a daily basis. It keeps you in a positive frame of mind and spirit. Gratitude connects you directly with your inner joy and increases your energy level. The smallest gesture or positive thought will be felt deeply in your care partners’ heart. A good practice would be to “count your blessings.” At the end of the day, take a moment to look at what you can be thankful for. You may be surprised to discover what comes up to you even in the darkest times. Yes, I know, you are experiencing some rough days. It can be quite difficult to see the good at trying times. But you may have a change of mind when you look at some of your special moments such as:

•Receiving your favourite treat or a “I’m thinking of you” card. •Enjoying autumn colours, a rainbow, or the sunset. •Listening to a bird singing outside the window. •Acknowledging all things and people that are coming your way. •Being alive for one more day, one more week.

Daily gratitude can be a lifesaver during a challenging time. Burdens slip away for an instant, your mind refocuses, worries are swapped by trust and confidence. You can use words like these: “You need a break. Let’s order a pizza. Thanks for such a good meal. Thank goodness that you are here by my side. I don’t say it enough, but I appreciate everything you do for me. I’m so sorry that my condition adds so much burden on your shoulders.” Gratitude, love, and kindness send endless ripples that touch the care partners’ soul and spirit. I have witnessed how carers hold onto those precious memories long after people have completed their transition.

Care partnership is about ing and nurturing one another, respecting one’s needs, and letting go of expectations. It’s with a heavy heart that some carers wouldn’t even dare taking a bit of time for themselves to replenish their own energy. Encourage them to take time for themselves by going out with friends,

taking a long break such as a respite day and a weekend away when possible. The latter means you might spend that time in a community centre that provides living arrangements and special care as needed. It also means you agree and accept it with grace. See it as an opportunity to meet new people and maybe new friends. In respecting your carer’s capacities and limits, you will be able to stay at home longer and feel more at peace with yourself. It’s a win-win situation. Surrender and let go of control so that serving you becomes an experience of true partnership. It will help you to better connect with your inner love in which gratitude resides.

One More Thought for Carers

It takes courage to set your limits and have your choices respected. To do so is an expression of self-love; you are empowering yourself and increasing your vital energy. People being served may not be aware of their attitude or even recognize your work for its true value. Learn to say WAIT and NO firmly. “Wait, give me time to finish my breakfast. I will be with you in ten minutes. I need to rest now. I’m going for a walk. I need fresh air.” This is a must. Feel free to remind them to respect your needs, as it is essential for you to keep going.

Reflecting on your day is a way to integrate your experience and learn about yourself. Write down the important events and their meaning. It could also be useful for later to retrace the “what, when, how, why” as months and years go by. Some of these questions can be useful in your retrospection:

•What did I learn today? •What am I proud of? •What was my moment of awe or my beautiful surprise today? •Did I receive words or gestures of kindness today? •How did I take care of myself today?

Story Time

An Old, Grumpy Man

It’s freezing cold on a typical Canadian winter day. Even the snowflakes are shivering in the arctic air. From our warm, cozy bed, I can hear the harmonious sounds of coffee brewing and the cups and plates sliding on the kitchen counter. The aroma of muffins baking tickles my poor appetite. It brings back memories of our Sundays when the family gathered around the dining table filled with home-made scones, crème fraîche, and other delights. These brunches nourished our bodies, minds, and spirits. We shared our activities, ambitions, and dreams with great happiness and camaraderie. It was a time to seek advice from the elders on our wild tribulations.

Today, my mind is peaceful and my stomach free from any suspicious waves. At last, a pleasant day. A song of gratitude is rising from my heart. Today is our wedding anniversary. We have grown together for many years now, adjusting to life’s challenges. Lately, we had to make another adaptation in our relationship. Due to my disability, she has had to take over and manage a multitude of responsibilities. My well-being is now solely in her hands. Becoming dependent is so humiliating for the man that I became. I it I still have a long way to go to not take anything for granted. At times, I expect to receive care and attention right away: “subito presto.” The manager in me likes to be in control, which creates much frustration for everyone. I have to be more patient and give my carers more breathing space to live and thrive. They have to live their lives too. After all, my disease isn’t their fault. Without them, I would end up in a chronic or long-term care home. I don’t want to even imagine this possibility.

This morning, I could be grumpy and impatient just by habit or just for the pleasure of feeling sorry for myself. But I choose to enjoy her smile and presence while she is tending to my basic needs. Everything she does is infused with love. Maybe I can make a greater effort to be pleasant today, starting by watching my words. My best anniversary gift to her will be to express my gratitude for everything she does for the family. I’m so thankful for being alive and still kicking.

“You are not dead yet. You have some living to do.”

Today, the old, grumpy man will try to be a gentle and pleasant one.

Community Resources—Reach Out

“We are all created by one Creator, and all put on the face of this earth to serve each other.” Cicely Tyson⁴⁸

The progression of diseases is unpredictable. Planning minute details of household arrangements can be time-consuming, and sometimes plans don’t go according to what we have envisioned, as the situation can change in a matter of days or hours. The Grand Design may have mapped a completely different course. We may wish to keep the person at home to the end, but our energy level may be depleted after years of care. The close one may require additional resources that might be too difficult to coordinate, if not scarce or non-existent. Financial difficulties or loss of income may cause additional stress on hiring necessary help. To top it all, an unforeseeable element or circumstance may require significant readjustment again.

What can you do to face the unpredictable tasks in the near future? First, make a list of responsibilities that can be delegated sooner or later to trusted others. Second, consult a health-care provider such as a social worker or a case manager who will assess your situation and guide you to existing resources along the way. Third, take a good look at how you spend your time and identify what can be changed even on a temporary basis. Fourth, make space on your schedule for self-care, which is essential in maintaining a healthy balance of your body, mind, and spirit.

There will come a time when you will need community-based ive hospice care. Their team of professionals and volunteers are dedicated to improving your quality of life by meeting your goals with the appropriate

services as long as needed. They are committed to enriching your experience within your unique personal needs. This network addresses every phase of the demanding end-of-life tasks such as:

•Home including a team of visiting volunteers. •Day hospice and respite beds. •Specialized visiting nurses. •A palliative care physician. •A pain and symptoms management team.

As the condition deteriorates, you may request additional services within a hospice palliative care setting,⁴ which have the expertise to guide you and you while the transition unfolds. Each individual will be accompanied around the clock, making sure that your requests are taken into consideration. This journey is about sharing and taking responsibility of caring for one another with respect and kindness. Care partners walk hand in hand to collaborate, , and serve.

Reach out. Express your needs. Let go of control. There are so many people waiting to offer you a helping hand and to share your load. They will be happy to be at your service and will feel privileged to do so. By receiving, you are giving them a chance to give back, to feel useful and appreciated, and to gain a meaningful experience. Of course, people will need some guidance on how to help you, so be very specific. You can ask a friend to bring coffee and lunch while coming for a visit, or request that someone sit with your close one while you are taking time for your self-care in whatever form it takes. Plan some “Me” Time to honour yourself, to be gentle and kind with yourself by doing something stimulating and enjoyable. You need time to increase your stamina, manage your fatigue, and bring your own health back on track. Nothing should get in the way of your self-care time.

My Carer Network

We navigate on the sea manoeuvring our sail wisely and gliding on the flow of life harmoniously. We try to maintain balance as best we can and deal with unpredictable circumstances. The crew lends us a hand to stay on course. We may be surprised and delighted to find out who is on-board and shows up beside us: total strangers, good Samaritans, or long-time colleagues and friends. We can be in shock to see who is withdrawing from the picture, and it’s all right. In the dark night of the soul, the sea may be rough for a while and navigating might demand humongous efforts to stay afloat through crashing waves. We know that the storm will , but in the meantime, we readjust our aim, steer the wheel slightly, trusting our inner com as the wind propels us into the unknown.

The goals of “My Carer Network” are to improve your quality of life and wellbeing and to reduce your stress with practical help, , and information. It will give you an overview of your network so you can succeed on the journey.

•Identify the care partners you can count on now and in the future. Write down those who are participating or will be available for the and care of your close one and for yourself. Think of family , friends, neighbours, significant relationships, and community services. In the present: _________________________________________ ________________________________________________________

Future care partners if necessary: ______________________ ________________________________________________________

•Look at the gaps in your network. Do you need to add more carers at this time? Write down the missing services in any areas or domains that are not covered yet and that you may need if the conditions deteriorate. Present gaps: ___________________________________________ ________________________________________________________

Future services: ________________________________________ ________________________________________________________

•Do a search on what services and care s are available in your community. Identify people, organizations, or agencies that provide health care such as doctors, nurses, home-care workers, consultation services, and community volunteers. The “My Carer Network List” below will help you in your answer. ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________

•Assess the whole picture. Are there any changes you would like to make? Do you need to add or put on hold some of the services at this time? ________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________

•Pay close attention to your self-care: do you have to make any adjustments that will your plan?

________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________

My Carer Network List

Write down names, emails, and phone numbers of your s in case of urgency or for your replacement in case you become ill or unable to provide care to your close one. Post it in a visible place where everyone can see it. Review it on a regular basis.

Services and Care Partners Personal Family Friends Neighbours

Home and Health Care Case Manager Home-Care Workers Doctors, Nurses, Volunte

Community Services, Agencies Day Centre, Respite Day Driving, Snow Removal Grocery, H Virtual Social Networks Online Resources Facebook, Skype, FaceTime Texting, Blogs Others Emergency s Distress Centre Special Needs

What Can You Do at the Dying’s Bedside?

It can be intimidating to visit someone at the end of their life. To feel more confident, imagine what you would like people to do for you in a similar situation. This person has the same basic needs as you. The only difference is that they need help to satisfy them. Here is a short list to guide you:

Offer a comforting presence

•Spend quiet time with the person: oEngage in conversation about her favourite topics. oSpea

Chapter 14

Transition— The Time Has Come

Story Time

Listening Attentively

Out of the blue, he brought up this conversation:

“I feel like visiting my mother’s grave. Isn’t it strange?”

(Pause…) “Sometimes, we need that connection.”

“Don’t you ever feel like visiting your father’s grave?” he asked.

(Longer pause…)

“Not really. For me that’s not where he is. It’s only his body, not his soul.”

Silence…

I didn’t know where this conversation was going. Did I answer correctly? Maybe I should have kept the conversation more open. What does he need? He had never expressed the need to visit the cemetery before. We are talking about a sixhour trip. I will let my intuition guide me in one direction or another while listening attentively for clues in his words and reactions.

I continue with his lead that is my connection to my father.

“Actually, I connect with my father in my dreams. He is there looking at me. He is at my side or waiting for my arrival at a train station. You know how dreams can be. They often don’t make any sense. When I wake up, I know that it wasn’t only a dream. I feel like he’s really watching over me.”

“I dreamt of my parents one time. It was a crazy dream. I don’t the details. Do you think they are there for me?”

“Yes, they are,” I said. “It may be what they were telling you. Our parents, sisters, friends will greet us when the time comes. They will guide us along the way.”

“When I came back from the hospital and fell unconscious, it was blank and dark. Maybe there is nothing after death.”

“I have been at the bedside of so many people observing their final moments. Some of them were seeing their deceased loved ones who were extending their hands to them. Other times, they were having conversations with them. Some were describing their vision of a peaceful and beautiful Light and they were trying to reach for it.”⁵ (Pause…) “What do you think the afterlife will be like?”

I wanted to if his belief had changed over time and let him express his concerns about his transition.

Instead of bringing my belief, I shared the dying’s stories. After witnessing countless transitions, there are no doubts in my mind that we are greeted and guided by deceased family or friends in the next phase of our soul existence. Millions of people who’ve had a near-death experience (NDE)⁵¹ describe the age from this life to the beyond with a sense of love, light, and peace. Their perception of life is one that is part of an eternal continuum in which their soul continues to grow and learn.⁵²

In her book Dying to Be Me, Anita Moorjani describes how she was propelled beyond an NDE, as she was clinically dead. Her story authenticates that there is only unconditional love waiting for us. Countless works of literature describe how people had a glimpse of what to expect in their transition. They have returned with peace and certitude of who they truly are. In the process, some have accessed deep knowledge and wisdom.⁵³ It’s reassuring to know that Love, Light, and Ecstasy are part of the journey beyond. Isn’t it time to trust that these anecdotes are facts? Do we need more proof? There is only one way to find out: by dying. Actually, we may not want to rush to this…

“The feeling of complete, pure, unconditional love was unlike anything I’d known before. Unqualified and nonjudgmental…it was totally undiscriminating, as if I didn’t have to do anything to deserve it, nor did I need to prove myself to earn it.” Anita Moorjani ⁵⁴

Why do we hold onto struggles and doubts when time and again we hear such statements? How can we lose hope and be fearful when we know that the dying person is going to a better place? Proof of what is happening during the transition has been a constant in my years of accompanying people in their last breaths. Skeptics like me have been won over many times. Therefore, we may want to reflect on beliefs and convictions that are preventing us from living the

experience to the fullest. Ask yourself these questions:

•Do I see death as an ending or as a beginning? •Do I perceive dying as a sad experience or as a soul transitioning to another life? •Do I want to keep an open mind toward the process?

While doing so, check your emotions and feelings. What is your truth? Do you need to bring any changes? that you are bringing your perceptions to the dying’s bedside. They affect your close ones in their ability to cope with and even to be fully engage in their own transition.

Our attitude and fears prevent us from creating a peaceful space for the dying. Our doubts and questions linger, “What should I do now? How will I react? What should I say?” The human personality or ego stands in the way of being fully present. What does it mean to be fully present? Well, stay still, observe closely, refine your listening. Be in a state of conscious loving presence (review chapter 2). Pretend you know how to be fully here and now and that you are at least a comionate being. And guess what? In time, the pretending becomes reality. According to Maxwell Maltz, our brain doesn’t distinguish between imagination and reality; instead, it acts based on the information we send it through our thoughts.⁵⁵ You can’t go wrong by trying to be a comionate presence, since the essence of all that exists is Love. At this moment, you are living in an urgent situation that calls for kindness. Connect with your heart, fill yourself with love. Pretend you are doing so and it will be sufficient for now. Look deep into the person’s eyes where you might see the essence of his Being. You might see the real her hidden in her personality shell. Your heart vibration will begin to radiate love to her, around her and permeate everyone that is present. This vibration will be integrated in her own heart if she chooses so, consciously or subconsciously.

There is much more to our existence than what meets the eye. In many belief systems, religions, traditions, creeds, and concepts, the common thread about the afterlife is that this present life represents one facet of our soul journey, one instant on an infinite path that has no beginning and no end. Some cultures celebrate people’s transition, which brings faith that their soul is birthing into a new life. Others perceive dying as a sad ending as they assist a declining body.⁵ Why not let go of our beliefs and live this transition consciously with love? Why not accompany the dying with calmness and hope instead of focusing on our own discomfort and suffering? Do we choose to live this experience wholly? This is the time. Let’s not blow it. It’s a great opportunity to question and reflect on our attitude.

•At the Mental Level What are my thoughts right now? Are they rolling in a never-ending replay like a hamster on a spinning wheel? Are they filled with fear? Obviously, thoughts of fear are all about “me” and not about the dying. Recenter and focus, I am totally present and engaged in this moment. There is no space for mind chitchat. I keep my mind clear. I am present. I am filled with love and comion.

•At the Emotional Level At times, I feel so sad about her transition, sad for the end of our relationship as I know it now, sad for the coming loneliness. Then, awareness kicks in. Knowing that thoughts create emotions, I become mindful of them. I intend to live in trust and harmony. Breathe in, breathe out. I choose to be aware of my emotions and refocus, What are my emotions right now? Do they overcome me? I don’t want to feel helpless or depressed. I delete self-pity, sombre feelings, as they appear. I choose to live this moment in its sacredness. I am doing the best I can with my present knowledge and capacities to accompany her so that her most important life transition will be as pleasant as possible for both of us.

•At the Spiritual Level

How can I change myself in the present so I can surrender to what is? This is an opportunity to learn detachment and letting go. Changing my perception on death and dying helps me achieve the journey with less sorrow and transform my preparedness for the Ultimate Transition. I trust my inner voice, my intuition. I open my heart and spirit to the gifts of the moment. I trust that all will be in perfect order. I accept changes and surrender to the transformation of our lives. I’m relieved that her suffering will be over. She will soon be reunited with her deceased family and friends. She will know all-encoming Love and Bliss.

These words are inspired by Anita Moorjani, whose narrative brings much hope. They lift my spirit and fill my heart with gratitude toward Infinite Life. I know that one day I will my loved ones in a great celebration. “Let go” has become my mantra, knowing that they are surrounded with love. I “let go” with the knowledge that soon enough we will be reunited in Eternal Love. I “let go” with the certainty that all is well and will always be, no matter what.

“I am genuinely happy for those who have gone to the other realm, knowing that they are in a state of pure joy, peace, and unconditional love and they wish the same for me, no matter what our relationship was like on the physical plane.” Anita Moorjani⁵⁷

Finding Freedom and Peace

How do you let go of emotions or feelings that are arising? First, ask yourself if you are ready

•Express gratitude. Express gratitude to your inner love for the release you have accomplishe

Story Time

Soul Connection

Two hospice residents were preparing for their transition, but they needed help in their final step. They asked a volunteer to teach them how to proceed. It was the first time that Lucien had received such a request and, surprisingly, they were on the same day.

The volunteer followed his intuition and knowledge using a guided visualization.

“Imagine you are walking on a nature trail at your own pace; the air is filled with fragrant flowers and reassuring sounds that remind you of moments of happiness. The wind is soughing in your favourite trees. You know that this pleasant trail leads you to the mountaintop. As you go up, you become aware that you are carrying heavy luggage too heavy for this lengthy excursion. Let’s take a break and check if you still need them. You may want to let go of a piece or two, the ones that have become useless. Leave them on the side under a tree. Let me know when you are ready to continue the ascent. The summit is getting closer. The farther up you go, the lighter you want to be. Do you want to free yourself from more items? Perhaps you only need a small backpack.

“Let’s pause. Take a deep breath. You have a few more steps to go before you reach the top. A golden eagle calls your attention to a new viewpoint. Your open heart is longing for new horizons stretching as far as the eye can see. Take your time to enjoy the view and let it be integrated in your heart and spirit. You are now reaching a large meadow that welcomes you with a soft blanket of grass, a rainbow of wildflowers, and a stream of fresh water. Take the time to rest and freshen up. Breathe in the cool mountain air. A Light Being is coming toward you. You can feel his radiating love. You know you will be guided and well taken care of during the next phase of your transition. Now, all is well, as you know what to do.”

A few days later, Lucien was working in his garage. Suddenly, he felt a presence behind him. Puzzled, he turned around to find these two men standing together and waving goodbye. He was in shock. He knew in that instant they had completed their transition, which had happened within about twelve hours. It was with teary eyes and trembling jaw that he was recounting his stunning story.

These men were total strangers in the physical life, but at their soul level, in Pure Consciousness, they were One with each other and with the volunteer. At a physical level, the volunteer was totally oblivious to what was at play. He was simply doing his work, being of service in the present moment. He had followed his intuition to guide the individuals in their request. Isn’t all that is needed? So often, we really don’t know the magnitude of our actions in the physical and non-physical realities. We must trust that we are ed in a process that is way beyond human comprehension.

You would know the secret of death…

But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life? For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one. In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond; And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring. Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity… For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun? And what is to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered? Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing. And when you have reached the mountaintop, then you shall begin to climb. And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.

Kahlil Gibran⁵⁸

Chapter 15

The Tapestry of Our Life: A Legacy

“An invisible thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance… May you be open to each thread that comes into your life, the golden ones and the coarse ones —and may you weave them into a brilliant and beautiful life.”

Ancient Chinese Proverb⁵

“What will be his legacy to you?”

I was stunned by her question. I hadn’t thought of it, but mainly in daily appreciation for what he was bringing into our life. What an important topic it is to contemplate while he is still living. I sat in stillness, quieted my mind, and connected with my inner voice. One word came: love. Yes, that’s it. He has shown me what love is and how it feels to be surrounded by it.

My childhood was about surviving and working without receiving any signs of affection or . When I was twenty years old, I met my future spouse. We connected intuitively. We recognized one another at a vibrational level: two beings who had grown up in an unive family, to say the least. I became rebellious and mistrustful. He knew love and trusted life. Oh, did I mention that we didn’t speak each other’s language? We couldn’t communicate with words, couldn’t share our dreams, couldn’t talk about who we were or what we liked, but we felt a profound sense of peace in each other’s company. Our twenties were transitional years. Personal and professional lives were seeding in fertile ground. He was a strong pillar of throughout my academic studies and my professional life, which included working shifts and weekends. Thanks to a solid foundation of love, we could encounter numerous challenges in health and sickness, for better and worse.

Legacy takes as many forms as there are individual people. Artists will leave paintings, woodcarvings, or pottery; the crafty will offer knitting or quilts; gardeners and cooks will share their secret recipes; families will down objects of sentimental value over generations. One of the most meaningful inheritances could be the family history in the form of books, videos, or verbal narrations. Stories are a wealth of information on who we are and where our personality traits come from. When we take time to listen attentively to the elders, we can integrate wisdom in the form of insights, personal values, or social commitments. Reminiscences bring the close ones together in building stronger family relationships. Gathering the knowledge from its source gives an additional sense of purpose for the dying, knowing that their contribution can be

beneficial and will continue to guide us beyond their transition. Some people regain their strength and find a second chance at life when they realize they still make a difference. Some find a new source of motivation to fulfill a dream or to complete one last project. From being in their last hours and days of their life, they may live weeks and months longer than expected.

Story Time

She Was Too Busy Having Fun

Cathy always wanted to be an artist, but now there was very little time left—a few weeks at the most. The interdisciplinary team got together to establish a plan to accomplish this one last wish. It would be challenging, as her physical condition was deteriorating day by day. With a bit of imagination, we will her. Nothing is impossible.

Let’s organize the resources as fast as we can. First, do we have an artist in the house who could coach her? I went through the Volunteers’ Talents list: one of them wrote down “acrylic painting.” A phone call was all I needed to do…well, with a bit of coaxing.

“No, you don’t need to be good at it. She’s the one who will do the painting, not you. She needs to learn how to handle her brushes, mix the colours and use the mediums. Would you be confident to teach these basic techniques? It’s her last wish before her transition.”

“Yes, I’m in. Count on me.”

The recreation therapist requested the basic materials from her family. They were so happy to bring the necessary supplies. The social worker gathered illustrated books for inspiration. The occupational therapist adjusted Cathy’s chair and easel to prevent any additional pain. The nursing team and the maintenance person created a space for her “studio.” Talk about teamwork. The volunteer loved his role so much that he was working overtime to guide her in her progress. She didn’t know that lakes were hard to paint and she did marvellously well.

Cathy was flourishing in her art: three of her paintings were part of the Annual Hospice Art Exhibition. She found a new purpose with renewed energy that prolonged her life. Cathy returned home. Death would have to wait for a while longer, as she was too busy having fun…

This last accomplishment was part of her life masterpiece, a legacy to her close ones and perhaps to the community. Questions all of us should reflect on today are:

•What do I want to leave behind? •What do I need to complete, change, or create? •What example do I want to leave from the way I tackle challenges or personal relationships? •Am I transmitting a sense of joy and love? •How do I contribute to build a better world for the next generation?

We don’t have to wait at the threshold to plan our inheritance. We can start now —the future is unknown.

“We don’t accomplish anything in this life alone… and whatever happens is the result of the whole tapestry of one’s life and all the weavings of individual threads

from one to another that creates something.” Sandra Day O’Connor

Let’s compare our life masterpiece to a tapestry. First, the structure is created with warp yarns that are held with the right tension on a strong frame that will the artwork. Once in place, colourful filling yarns are drawn through, over and under in a specific design. We could imagine the frame as the basic foundation from the essence of our Being, which is given the opportunity to build our life experiences. We can use a shuttle threaded with silk, cotton, or any raw material in a multitude of colours that will design the bigger picture.

This work of art is an ongoing evolution from our first breath to the last. The possibilities are endless depending on the decisions we make at pivotal points in our life canvas. Threads, colours, textures, lengths create the scenery unfolding in front of our eyes. We may drop out of school or quit a job, so this thread is suddenly cut short and reattached to a new hue of possibilities. Golden threads reveal our dreams and wishes, realities and constraints, years of raising children, welcoming beautiful grandchildren. Each significant person we meet has a unique hue, a connection that is represented by a specific thread for a length of time, months or years, or maybe for just the wink of an eye. Each relationship is ed in an exclusive shape fastened for a time adding colours of joy. A friend moves away, a dear colleague has died too young; we are parted in unforeseeable ways that create a void. We may resist the flow of life and struggle during our losses and suffering, which reveals tinted chunks of pain, anguish, and sadness of heavy, coarse, twisted wool held tightly in order to repair the torn weave on the reverse side of the tapestry. Life brings inevitable ages such as births and grief. Our various roles—family, social, professional—may result in a durable and smooth finish of bright and joyful colours. Serving one’s community by sharing our unique skills is woven within a multi-layer blooming flowers. Other difficulties display shadowy and sombre colours, while some add unexpected textures.

A dropped stitch is given particular attention in a breaking point of the rhythm of

a particularly cloudy fragment of the story; a period of your life that has been erased from memory might filter through the weaving in an unpredictable path that is filled with a broken heart, mended bones, shades of happiness and depression, with sudden obstacles through the flow of joyful colours. Shadows are necessary to accentuate the brightness of the whole. At times, we may let life weave and surprise us so that we want to let go of control and give it our total trust in the outcome. The reverse side of the tapestry may look like a rubbishy mess; but the right side reveals the beauty of a fabulous masterpiece. Each occurrence adds to the complexity and the richness of life just as each person encountered on our path modifies the outcomes, enhances the inner core, and brightens our being. We are interconnected just as each filling and warp yarn is an intrinsic part of the whole. The warp yarns that the artwork are the invisible threads of our inner love and comion that connect the multitude of sacred experiences of our existence. When we look closely, with a magnifying glass if necessary, we see how it is ing our journey. Whatever our experiences are, our true essence is still and will always be present throughout the weaving of our journey.

This organic tapestry is unique to each individual. We are an everlasting masterpiece in our own way, in our own right. The whole picture will be understood once it’s completed; once the ultimate creation is achieved. It’s only when we step back and stand still that we can begin to appreciate the meaning of it. We will know that everything is perfect just the way it is. What needs to be done is done, so we can now move on to the finishing touches.

Story Time

His Life Masterpiece

A friend whose husband had a short life expectancy was sharing.

“If he ever asks me, I wouldn’t be able to see the perfection of his life. He didn’t provide for his family. He was an absent father…alcoholism destroyed the best part of him.”

“Well,” I said, “you could focus on the fact that he is the father of your beautiful children who have given you precious grandchildren. They may be his most cherished legacy: a gift of life you will enjoy for years to come. This awareness would diminish his emotional and spiritual distress before his transition.”

After more reflections, she discovered that her life with her spouse contributed to her spiritual evolution.

“Thanks to him, I became a better person. It’s one of the best legacies I could ever receive.”

“As I look back at the entire tapestry of my life, I can see from the perspective of the present moment that every aspect of my life was necessary and perfect. Each step eventually led to a higher place, even though these steps often felt like obstacles or painful experiences.” Wayne Dyer ¹

Chapter 16

Final Words

“No one is wrong. In the eyes of love, all people are doing the best they can from their own levels of consciousness.”

Deepak Chopra ²

When children learn to write and read, we don’t expect them to deliver a poem or a novel the next day. It’s the same with accompanying the dying. It takes time to acquire abilities so we can feel comfortable with the process. Decades ago, people were dying at home surrounded by family, friends, and neighbours. They shared their expertise and found their way through the hardships. There was no formal training or guidelines, no books to refer to, so they had to rely on what was helpful in the past. They gathered hands-on skill and did their very best to look after their close ones. They connected with their inner knowledge, strength, resilience, and determination.

No one can predict how one will react or Be at the end of life. Maintaining peace and harmony amid emotions, thoughts, and beliefs is essential. The dying are going through their transition for the first time; it’s their first experience and maybe it’s yours too. Together, you are learning and trusting your guts. Just be attentive, listen, and trust. Yes, I know. It can be daunting—perhaps overwhelming—to face the unknown, grief, angst, and memories you have carried for so long. The process may be intense for a little while. It may rock the boat for everyone involved. The good news is when you break through the obstacles, armour, or walls of fear, you break free. It gets easier along the way. The real you is striving for inner peace and joy. There is a wealth of Unlimited Love residing right inside of you from which you can draw upon; only you can access it. If you don’t know what to say or what to do, imagine you are visiting with a good friend who is moving to a faraway land in which love, joy, and freedom reign in plenitude. If you are blessed with his last breath, imagine his soul soaring and discovering the Infinite Life. You may witness moments of awe beyond anything the human mind can understand.

“The more you trust your heart and stay in conversation with life, the more deeply life speaks to you, as you live. And when you feel overwhelmed, that your heart is stronger and larger than any one feeling it may experience.” Mark Nepo ³

Being present to someone in transition is a powerful learning experience. In that moment, the dying and their carers are rebirthing on the threshold of Pure Consciousness. This rebirthing may emanate in their present life by bringing conscious awareness in their journey and transforming their thoughts, actions, emotions, so that only love will fill their mind and heart. Only then can they truly understand and explain the grace of this gift. It’s their legacy.

Perceiving every experience as a part of a new chapter in your life will set you free from blame and resentment. Look at your story as a learning practice. Ask yourself, What would I have done differently now that I have the knowledge? You may discover at least one element you can be proud of. Delete the rest. Next time you will do better. Enough with guilt, shame, and frustration. Everything that life brings to you is integrated in who you are. It becomes the fabric of your Being. Your past has shaped your personality, environment, family and friends, and your community. Your past, with all it encomes, has left an imprint within your Being. Your reactions to these memories stored deep within are gifts that bring to your attention a part of you that is begging to be released. They guide you in cleansing the mental and emotional junk out of your attic or cellar so that love and joy can have space to expand into your life for your highest good. This is an opportunity to start fresh with renewed creativity, loving relationships, and abundance. It’s an opportunity to reveal the authentic essence you are, so your soul can at last blossom as it is meant to be.

Connect with your inner love and ground yourself in your inner power. That is all you need to do during the unfolding situation. Your ability to deal with and respond from that space will make you feel connected with all sentient beings. Your inner love will have a ripple effect in the flow of Oneness. Reflecting on the metaphorical butterfly that affects its environment by flapping its wings, ⁴ imagine the effect you have by living in acceptance of what makes the fabric of your spirit, which is your thoughts of love that vibrate into humanity, your words of comfort and kindness, and your genuine smile that touches many souls. Each one of them influences everything within the incommensurable field of energy. The question is: What, when, and how do you want to contribute to it?

It’s our personal choice to bring and radiate love and comion during the utmost significant age so the person can return to Oneness carrying these vibrations to the Source. We are interconnected beyond words, thoughts, and feelings, beyond soul and spirit. Our vibrations are expressed in unique wavelengths enriching the greatness of Oneness. You and I are one eternal vibration. We are together in the Infinite Oneness. We are One.

Story Time

One Step at a Time

Strolling on a pedestrian bridge suspended over a raging river, time stands still, stretching this precious moment. Even the wind is holding its breath in a moment of eternity. The street lights guide our steps back to the cottage. Our legs are strong but hesitating; firm and fearful. We are moving forward, trusting the future, and we are not alone on this journey. And we will never be. A whole network of people is on standby. Even the spirit world is waiting for any requests to us in this moment of crisis.

Life is like an ocean: it can be calm and pleasant, wild and untamed. The waves can sweep us away or change our course to an unknown shore. We can lose balance, have difficulty breathing, feel like we are drowning. We may be caught in a sea of emotions, wondering how to deal with them…but tonight, we are enjoying this moment, gathering strength and energy to face what life has in store for us. We are replenishing our body, mind, and spirit. Nothing else exists. The warriors are silently creating lasting memories, embracing the magnificent sunset, feeling the gentle breeze of this amazing “Indian Summer.” Tomorrow will offer its unpredictable surprises, and we will encounter them one step at a time.

Recommended Readings

•Campbell, Judith M. I Brake for Butterflies: Finding Divinity in All That Is, Renfrew, Ontario: General Store Publishing House, 2006 •Campbell, Judith M. Walking Between the Worlds: The Interconnection of Reiki, the Elements, and the Human Energy System, Book Two, Burnstown, Ontario: Burnstown Publishing House, 2017 •Davich, Victor N. 8 Minute Meditation: Quiet Your Mind, Change Your Life, New York: Penguin Group, 2014 •Dowling Singh, Kathleen. The Grace in Dying: How We Are Transformed Spiritually as We Die, New York: HarperOne, 2000 •Fincannon, Joy and Katherine V. Bruss. Couples Confronting Cancer: Keeping Your Relationship Strong, Atlanta, Georgia: American Cancer Society, 2003 •Goldberg, Natalie. The True Secret of Writing: Connecting Life with Language, New York: Atria Books, 2013 •Kessler, David. The Rights of the Dying: A Companion for Life’s Final Moments, New York: Harper Collins Publishers, 1997 •Kortes-Miller, Kathy. Talking About Death Won’t Kill You: The Essential Guide to End-of-Life Conversations, Toronto, Ontario: ECW Press, 2018 •LaVoie, Myriam. (2006) Au coeur du age: Amour, espoir et réconciliation en fin de vie, Ottawa, Ontario: chez l’auteure, 2021 •Longaker, Christine. Facing Death and Finding Hope: A Guide to the Emotional and Spiritual Care of the Dying. New York: DoubleDay, 1997 •Nepo, Mark. The One Life We’re Given: Finding the Wisdom That Waits in your Heart, New York: Atria Books, 2016

•Rinpoche, Sogyal. The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying: The Spiritual Classic and International Bestseller, 20th Anniversary Edition, New York: HarperOne, 2002

List of Story Time

What Is Your Secret?

A Miracle in the Making

Brahms’ Lullaby

An Ultimate Gift

You Are an Angel

His Smile Never Vanished

Her Deepest Secret

Snowflakes Dancing

A Guilt Trip

Where Is My Mind Again?

She Wasn’t Ready Yet

Meaningful Accomplishments

There Are Many Great Joys

Rocky Shore

Tears Streaming Down Softly

Last Whispers of Love

An Old, Grumpy Man

Listening Attentively

Soul Connection

She Was Too Busy Having Fun

His Life Masterpiece

One Step at a Time

Endnotes

¹ “Family” includes significant relationships sharing meaningful bonds such as friends, neighbours, carers, pets…Family is whoever the person identifies as such. They may or not live together. ² “Close ones” means family , friends, and any significant relationships. This expression substitutes the old expression “loved ones.” As we know, significant relationships are not always harmonious… ³ The word “carer” is a synonym for “caregiver,” who can be a family member, close one, professional, or community volunteer. ⁴ Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose (New York: Plume, Penguin Group, 2005), 78. ⁵ “Nicolas Boileau-Despreaux Quotes,” AZQuotes.com, Wind and Fly LTD. Accessed September 9, 2018, https://www.azquotes.com/author/19782Nicolas_Boileau_Despreaux. “Dalai Lama Quotes,” BrainyQuote.com, BrainyMedia Inc, 2020. Accessed March 9, 2016, https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/dalai_lama_121172. ⁷ “Amadou Hampâté Bâ,” Wikipedia. Wikimedia Foundation Governance Wiki contributors. Last revision: June 7, 2019, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amadou_Hampâté_Bâ. ⁸ Mark Nepo, The Exquisite Risk: Daring to Live an Authentic Life (New York: Harmony Books, 2005), 238. Integral version of “Centering and Grounding by Self-Awareness,” in Practise, Practise, Practise, chapter 8.

¹ Pim van Lommel, Non-local Consciousness: A Concept Based on Scientific Research on Near-Death Experiences During Cardiac Arrest, Journal of Consciousness Studies 20, No. 1–2, 2013: 7–48. ¹¹ In other words: Infinite Self, Higher Self, Soul, Being, Spirit. ¹² Jill Bolte Taylor, My Stroke of Insight: A Brain Scientist’s Personal Journey (New York: Viking, Penguin Group, 2006), 168. ¹³ Sogyal Rinpoche, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying: The Spiritual Classic and International Bestseller, 20th Anniversary Edition (New York: HarperOne, 2002), 39. ¹⁴ Reiki means “universal life energy” that is transferred through the hands of the practitioner to specific areas on the client’s body. Reiki is a method that treats the person as a whole. It promotes body, mind, and spirit healing, relieves pain and symptoms, and enhances spiritual awareness. ¹⁵ “Albert Einstein Quotes,” Goodreads Inc, 2020. Accessed March 28, 2020, https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/miracles. ¹ Heather Plett, What it Really Means to Hold Space for Someone. Uplift Media Pty Ltd 2020. August 17, 2019, https://upliftconnect.com/hold-space. ¹⁷ “Sogyal Rinpoche Quotes,” Goodreads Inc, 2020. Accessed December 28, 2020, https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/388635-glimpse-afterglimpse-daily-reflections-on-living-and-dying. ¹⁸ Christina M. Puchalski, Lifting the Patient: A Healing Encounter. May 2011.pdf. Accessed May 12, 2018, https://www.nacc.org/docs/conference/2011/NACC GWish. ¹ Denis Waitley, Gratitude Habitat. Accessed March 28, 2015, https://gratitudehabitat.com/2015/03/living-in-gratitude-

happiness. ² “Joseph Campbell Quotes,” BrainyQuote.com, BrainyMedia Inc, 2020. Accessed August 6, 2016, http://www.brainyquote.com/words/jo/joy181774.html#v7q6 ArldFWTI8Olz.99. ²¹ “Jacques Prévert,” AZQuotes.com, Wind and Fly LTD. Accessed July 23, 2018, https://www.azquotes.com/quote/494084. ²² Lawrence Robinson, et al., Laughter is the Best Medicine: The Health Benefits of Humor and Laughter. Helpguide.Org. Updated October, 2020. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/laughter-isthe-best-medicine.htm. ²³ “Immanuel Kant,” AZQuotes.com, Wind and Fly LTD. Accessed May 9, 2020, https://www.azquotes.com/author/7722-Immanuel_Kant. ²⁴ “Rachel Naomi Remen,” Goodreads Inc, 2020. Accessed December 28, 2020, https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/152272-the-most-basic-and-powerful-wayto-connect-to-another. ²⁵ “Tsoknyi Rinpoche,” AZQuotes.com, Wind and Fly LTD. Accessed March 9, 2020, https://www.azquotes.com/quote/738980. ² Claude Mailloux, At the Heart of Suffering (McGill University Health Centre 2020. December 1, 2017), MUHC Publications. https://muhc.ca/our-stories/article/heart-suffering. ²⁷ Pim van Lommel, Consciousness Beyond Life: The Science of the Near-Death Experience (New York: HarperOne, 2010), 160. ²⁸ “Saint Augustine Quotes,” BrainyQuote.com, BrainyMedia Inc., 2020. Accessed March 9, 2018,

https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/saintaugustine384531. ² Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose (New York: Plume, Penguin Group, 2005), 101. ³ Christine Longaker, Facing Death and Finding Hope: A Guide to the Emotional and Spiritual Care of the Dying (New York: DoubleDay, 1997), 111. ³¹ “Nelson Mandela,” AZQuotes.com, Wind and Fly LTD. Accessed May 9, 2020, https://www.azquotes.com/quote/415152. ³² “Robert Brault,” Goodreads.com Inc. Accessed September 29, 2020, https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/7192677.Robert_Brault. ³³ Lisa Smartt, Words at the Threshold: What We Say as We’re Nearing Death (Novato, California: New World Library, 2017), 132. ³⁴ “Brené Brown,” AZQuotes.com, Wind and Fly LTD. Accessed March 9, 2020, https://www.azquotes.com/quote/1159711. ³⁵ Ram Dass, Redefining the Metaphor for Dying, HuffPost, The Blog. Accessed October 3, 2013, https://www.huffingtonpost.com/ram-dass/redefining-the-metaphorfb3700600.html. ³ “Angel Chernoff,” 50 Quotes to Help You Let Go and Live, Accessed March 9, 2018, https://www.marcandangel.com/2013/11/20/50-quotes-to-help-you-let-go-andlive. ³⁷ “Thich Nhat Hanh,” Transforming Feelings. Living Life Fully quotations. Accessed March 9, 2018, http://www.livinglifefully.com/flo/flobetransformingfeelings.htm. ³⁸ “Harriet Beecher Stowe Quotes,” BrainyQuote.com, BrainyMedia Inc, 2020. Accessed August 6, 2018,

https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/harriet_beecher_stowe_ 126390. ³ “Ralph Waldo Emerson Quotes,” BrainyQuote.com, BrainyMedia Inc, 2020. Accessed July 18, 2020, https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/ralph_waldo_emerson_ 118690. ⁴ Joe Vitale and Haleakalā Hew Len, Zero limits: The Secret Hawaiian System for Wealth, Health, Peace, and more (Hoboken, New Jersey: Wiley, 2007), https://joevitalehooponopono.com. ⁴¹ K.S. Latha, et al., Reminiscence Therapy: An Overview, Middle East Journal of Age and Ageing. Volume 11 Issue 1 January 2014, https://idoc-pub.cinepelis.org/publication/260184759. ⁴² Mallika Chopra, Living with Intent: My Somewhat Messy Journey to Purpose, Peace, and Joy (New York: Harmony Books, 2015), 99. ⁴³ The Change Foundation, Spotlight on Ontario’s Caregivers Report 2019. Toronto, Ontario. Accessed December 20, 2020, https://changefoundation.ca/spotlight-on-caregivers-report, 15-18. ⁴⁴ Mayo Clinic Staff, Stress Symptoms: Effects on Your Body and Behavior, Healthy Lifestyle. Stress Management. April 4, 2019, https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/ in-depth/stress-symptoms/art-20050987. ⁴⁵ “Kahlil Gibran,” Goodreads.com Inc. Accessed March 9, 2020, https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/6466154.Kahlil_ Gibran.

⁴ Nicole Bordeleau, L’art de se réinventer (Montréal, Québec: Éditions de l’Homme, 2015), 199. “My translation.” ⁴⁷ Stephen Levine, Who Dies? An Investigation of Conscious Living and Conscious Dying (New York: Anchor Book, Doubleday, 1989), 171. ⁴⁸ Cicely Tyson, I Am a Firm Believer in Divine Guidance. Oprah’s Master Class. OWN, Harpo Productions, Inc. Chicago. Season 4, Episode 410. Aired on August 3, 2014. CC tv-pg. http://www.oprah.com/own-master-class/cicely-tyson-i-am-a-firmbeliever-in-divine-guidance-video. ⁴ ive palliative care “is an approach that improves the quality of life of patients and their families facing the problem associated with life-threatening illness, through the prevention and relief of suffering by means of early identification and impeccable assessment and treatment of pain and other problems, physical, psychosocial and spiritual. Palliative care: •provides relief from pain and other distressing symptoms; •affirms life and regards dying as a normal process; •intends neither to hasten nor to postpone death; •integrates the psychological and spiritual aspects of patient care; •offers a system to help patients live as actively as possible until death; •offers a system to help the family cope during the patient’s illness and in their own bereavement; •uses a team approach to address the needs of patients and their families, including bereavement counselling, if indicated; •will enhance quality of life, and may also positively influence the course of illness; •is applicable early in the course of illness in conjunction with other therapies

that are intended to prolong life, such as chemotherapy or radiation therapy, and includes those investigations needed to better understand and manage distressing clinical complications.” WHO Definition of Palliative Care. http://www.who.int/cancer/palliative/definition/en. Accessed on March 15, 2018. ⁵ Pei Grant, et al., The Significance of End-of-Life Dreams and Visions. Nursing Times 110, 28: 22-24. https://www.nursingtimes.net/clinical-archive/end-of-life-andpalliative-care/the-significance-of-end-of-life-dreams-and-visions04-07-2014. ⁵¹ James Van Praagh, “6 Fascinating Facts About Near Death Experiences.” VanPraagh.com (JVP’S Blog). Accessed July 23, 2020, https://www.vanpraagh.com/6-fascinating-facts-about-neardeath-experiences. ⁵² Raymond Moody and Paul Perry, Paranormal: My Life in Pursuit of the Afterlife (New York: Harper, 2012), 245. ⁵³ Pim van Lommel, Consciousness Beyond Life: The Science of the Near-Death Experience (New York: HarperOne, 2010), 9. ⁵⁴ Anita Moorjani, Dying to Be Me: My Journey from Cancer, to Near Death, to True Healing (Carlsbad, California: Hay House, 2012), 139. ⁵⁵ Maxwell Maltz, The New Psycho-Cybernetics: The Original Science of SelfImprovement and Success that Has Changed the Lives of 30 Million People (New York: Prentice Hall Press, 2002), 46. ⁵ Steven J. Rosen, ed., Ultimate Journey: Death and Dying in the World’s Major Religions (Westport, Connecticut: Praeger Publishers, 2008), 156; Jenny Goldade, Is There an Afterlife? Different Religious Views on Death, March 8, 2017.

https://frazerconsultants.com/2017/03/is-there-an-afterlifedifferent-religious-views-on-death. ⁵⁷ Anita Moorjani, What If This Is Heaven? How Our Culture Myths Prevent Us from Experiencing Heaven on Earth (Carlsbad, California: Hay House, 2016), 117. ⁵⁸ Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet (New York: Alfred A Knopf, Pocket book, 1998), 87. ⁵ “Chinese Proverbs,” SpiritualCleansing.Org. Accessed July 23, 2020. https://spiritualcleansing.org/an-invisible-thread-connects-thosewho-are-destined-to-meet-regardless-of-time-place-or-circumstance. “Sandra Day O’Connor Quotes,” BrainyQuote.com, BrainyMedia Inc, 2020. Accessed July 11, 2018, https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/sandra_day_oconnor_372198. ¹ “Wayne Dyer,” The Tapestry of Life. Living Life Fully quotations. Accessed March 9, 2018, http://www.livinglifefully.com/tapestry.htm. ² “Deepak Chopra Quotes,” Quoteswise.com. Accessed April 8, 2020, http://www.quoteswise.com/deepak-chopra-quotes-9.html. ³ Mark Nepo, Drinking from the River of Light: The Life of Expression (Boulder, Colorado: Sounds True, 2019), 118. ⁴ “Butterfly Effect,” Wikipedia. Wikimedia Foundation Governance Wiki contributors. Last revision: June 7, 2019, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Butterflyeffect.

When Death Knocks on Your Door: Care Partners in Oneness

Copyright © 2021 by Myriam LaVoie

Main category of the book: self-care, caregivers, care partners

Other category: death and dying, transition, end of life

Another subject category: healing, forgiveness, transformation

More categories: oneness, spirituality, stories, communication

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ISBN 978-0-2288-5298-8 (Paperback) 978-0-2288-5299-5 (eBook)